Ben opened his eyes. Between the throbbing at his forehead and the expectation that he would soon be cornered by the resistance, he could for once say that he felt a twinge of anxiety not marred by hate or emanating from the dark side, a feeling of being lost belonging to Ben Solo and not shoved to the backburner by Kylo Ren; snuffed out and replaced only by a stark reminder that he had to do what was needed, rather than what had exactly been moral at the time.
It belonged to him, and because of that he could maintain an air of calm.
Mostly. Rey had been scratching at the back of his mind for hours, and while her rampantly running thoughts had gone quiet hours ago-sending a barrage of muddled gibberish that he couldn't quite piece together-he was left with nothing to do but sit, his back against the wall and wait for rest that would never come. Not now.
It had only been a day-maybe two-and the scenery around him hadn't changed, not that he expected it to. If it had been Kylo Ren, there would be nothing left of his "quarters"; Metal and steel, and the very limited furniture left inside would be shattered pieces and remains of nothing.
Kylo Ren would not have taken to being locked in the same room for days on end with a viewing window like a caged animal.
Strangely enough, Ben was growing used to it.
Since arriving back a few hours ago while Rey had been whisked away to do whatever it was that urged her to pound her muddled and discombobulated thoughts into the back of his skull, he forced himself to relax. He'd slid down the back wall with his legs stretched out and bent at an angle, willed himself to think of anything else other than openly thrusting his feelings through their Dyad or thinking about what he was going to say in their isolated corner earlier.
It'd been all he could think about, head leaned back, looking up at the stark white ceiling with its blinding fluorescent lights and now various different video feed cameras, and every fleeting moment passed time much more slowly and flittered back to her. Because she was there, pushing herself through the thread. He could feel her coming, and as her voice drifted into the very front of his mind, as she appeared in front of him-albeit not physically but there sitting cross-legged a few feet from him, the only shift in his form was his eyes drifting downward, arms crossing over his chest rather than fumbling in his lap.
"I didn't realize that you would become such a prominent, incessant subject of my conditioning." Rey admitted, noticeably straining to see him, looking tired, confused. Like she had just left a very heady interrogation and was struggling to make sense of whatever logic belonged to her, or them.
"It's not that much of a surprise." Ben remarked, closing his eyes as he breathed in, straining and willing her to be so much closer than she actually was. "Considering this morning, I have no doubt they'll be wanting to place the blame on my end. I just wish you hadn't been involved." His eyes opened again, caught her there watching, the connection strong as if she were actually there, sitting with him.
He wished she was.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought you back here. This is all my fault."
Ben scoffed; shook his head. "It was my choice to follow you this far. I easily could have gone somewhere else if I hadn't thought I could handle my due punishment." He assured her. "I had already mulled over this possibility. I was right. That's just it."
"You're unhappy. I can feel it."
"I'm not unhappy." Ben exhaled. "I'm frustrated at how easily avoidable this all could have been. Not the resistance, but choosing to listen to Snoke, falling to the dark side, and while I hate to admit it-a part of it, I can still feel it. It feels good, but I know it's wrong." He shrugged, almost helpless.
"I just want this nightmare to be over, no matter how childish of a wish it is. I want you by my side, as you're supposed to be. As the Dyad willed it."
His gaze settled on the spot in the floor between them, empty but her form just barely visible on the outskirts. "My spot here is something temporary. Not something that can just be built on or improved. One way or another, they won't keep me." Ben drew himself back from her, leaned his head back once again. "I just wish you would see it."
And just like before, he hadn't a choice in how his life would be, rather someone would decide it for him.
"I do see it," She murmured with a sincere regret, because he knew that his words rang true even if it was a harsh inevitable truth that she wasn't ready to face let alone accept just yet. "But I see you, too."
The force had a way of sharpening his intuition, and he loathed to believe that it could be right this time. He could sense her there amidst the chaos of his thoughts pressing hard into his mind, her presence alone overshadowing her racing worries, her anxiety latching onto his vague flickering light threatening to drown in his own sea of doubt.
The faint pulse of it going under was loud and demanding and he hoped that it had gone in silent passing by her, the idea an almost frightening concept despite having gone through it once before. Eventually it would snuff out, but his companion was maintaining her tight hold, even now.
Rey filled up the space of his quarters, and he remembered then just how real she could be, their connection always so profound and stronger than what he could make sense of, transcending time and space just to be near one another. Able to touch, and talk.
Ben knew her much better since then, shared a closeness that he hadn't been built on taking her down along with the resistance, and now he felt the distance between them and only longed to close it for good. Interfering with death was unnatural. Force healing Rey had taken more out of him than he'd like to admit, and truthfully he was almost content with becoming one with the Force, ready to exist until his energy ceased to be. It hadn't felt unnatural to go back with Rey, nothing that had advised him against it. No emotional response, no desires for less and more.
Did he want that? He didn't know. Was it preferred, more than living with such strong uncertainty?
"I just wish things were different." Rey went on, more quietly, the confession one that clung to her with a heavy guilt, locking her down with just as heavy a weight that justified her jumbled feelings. She was angry for wanting things to be better, as if they were obligated to deserve even that much.
"That makes two of us." Ben held out his hand, if to just extend the gesture that he was there and wasn't going anywhere. Not that he necessarily had a choice in that regard.
"I used to think that I'd be alone without the resistance." Rey mused softly. "Like I didn't have a place without them, but now I feel just as strong a distance, as if I don't belong here, either."
Leaning his head back against the wall, his fingers came up to run through his hair. It had grown slick with oil and sweat, having not washed it since his dip in the bafta tank. "I'm just wondering what I am now without any sort of purpose."
It'd been his initial thought as soon as Rey had left him on the remnants of the Death Star. Where he belonged, what he should do, how to further bury Kylo Ren into the ground. "It just seemed right to follow you. I'm glad I did. It's not my ideal situation, but it's where I want to be." He paused. "Sort of."
"I'm sorry. It won't always be this way. Somehow, this will all get better, I'm sure of it."
A very small and subtle shrug followed his words, wondering if all of the people walking by could see him now, thought he was crazy; dangerous. More crazy. His eyes cast over his prison, just above her head, settled on her again. "What did they say in conditioning? You're more agitated than normal. And out of it."
"A truth serum, yes." Rey laughed quietly. "And a follow-up of adrenaline. We can talk about the conditioning later, actually."
Was she afraid to talk about it? Did she know what was next for him? He could sense her anxiety as easily as his own, her forcing herself to grab a hold of her emotions and steady it. Maybe it was a side effect of the serum, throwing her emotions in a myriad of different directions, unsteady and chaotic.
Before he could delve into it too far, she was scooting closer, crossing her legs and he relished in the simplicity of her illusion. Close, but not there. Almost teasing him, taunting him for wanting something more than he could have. "Where would you go?" She asked suddenly. "If we could leave, I mean."
"What?"
"Where would you want to be?" She watched him with some attentiveness, like the scavenger that she was so eager to pluck what she could from his soul to save and fix and make him better if only she could.
He believed she could. As far-fetched as it sounded.
"If we could leave?" Ben's stare swept over her, searching, looking for some sort of truth behind her curious question, or whether she would be, for some reason, joking.
He shifted uncomfortably, not having any answer except to shrug again, brows furrowed in thought. The concept of a new home hadn't dawned on him before, since leaving the Jedi Temple, it hadn't even been a question he'd had the time to entertain. Not the resistance, not Alderaan, not the Jedi Temple, not the First Order…
"I guess if I was with someone I cared about, I wouldn't care as much about where as much as who I was with." That seemed honest enough, or at least it was as good an answer as he had, only because it was the truth even if a very lame and generic one. "I've seen a lot of the galaxy. Nothing ever stood out to me." He drew his legs to his chest, further folding himself back from her, solemnly in confirmation to his own answer. "Where would you be if not here?"
Where did a girl in which the galaxy was much too large for, one who knew only of endless seas of sand and skies that plummeted to a flat and lifeless horizon see as home? Watching ships come and go, going somewhere and coming from somewhere.
What did she see beyond the resistance, beyond chasing what had once been the ghost of Ben Solo? The one time he had spent in her room, he'd noticed she still slept curled tightly, reminiscent of the days spent on Jakku sleeping in the remnants of an AT-AT, and he only knew that because of the image that suddenly flashed in his mind. He didn't have to pry, didn't have to search too far to see her whimsical images of endless sand, water, fresh skies and brightly lit stars across the galaxy, clinging to the thread and balancing itself there.
Rey's cheeks prickled with a rush of heat as the thoughts painted themselves into both of their subconscious. The sap of their force bond always acted at the strangest times, passing some thoughts through the barest indentation that they otherwise tried to keep to themselves. She wasn't faring too well now, another side effect of the serum, leaving her open and vulnerable.
He didn't look.
"We could go somewhere warm." She confided. "Not Jakku, somewhere else." Noticeably she didn't offer a suggestion, having not explored the galaxy as much as he had, and that thought seemed to fluster her with embarrassment. "I couldn't imagine half of the places that you have seen," But she seemed to share his sentiment at least.
Home wasn't a place.
"I would go wherever you wanted to go." She confessed, and reached out, sitting so close to him now, their knees brushing one another, and he was certain that if he reached out, he'd feel her as fluidly as if they were in the same room. With her and not locked away in some steel cell. "Naboo maybe. Your mother told me about it once."
The two of them, no opinions, the legacy of Kylo Ren far behind them. To Ben, that seemed good enough. "Naboo." Ben confirmed. "We could go there. Someday." He'd been there his fair share when he was nothing more than a padawan still under his wing. Of course, it would be a place that she could want to visit. It was warm, calm, quiet. Spared from the chaos that otherwise plagued the galaxy.
"If you'd like to."
So very carefully did he reach out his hand to her, bare and absent of gloves which was still a new concept that gave him a level of vulnerability he didn't appreciate having in the open. A level of vulnerability that he'd only ever had with her. "Come to Naboo with me, Rey. Just the two of us. Away from the resistance, and responsibility. You've done more for them than they could repent for in a lifetime." And the words sounded sincere, almost pleading as his eyes fixed on her own, soft in expression. Absent of Kylo Ren's cold stare. "It's time that you found your life, too. I'd like to find mine."
"Ben-"
"I think that I could, if you were there." He asked once again. "Be with me, Rey. Please?"
Ben could ask anything of her, and hope that she would at least consider it. He had suggested carving out a life for himself, finding what he could as Ben Solo, and he could see her flitting expression, half torn between hopeful and unsure at the same time. Whether it was his words, or the expression that was so like a time before when he'd held out his hand to her, they both remembered it quite well.
The throne room had been set ablaze, broken and battered bodies scattered around them, the work of their power working together as one, how they'd fought in such sync instead of against each other.
And he'd begged, begged her to join him. Something about then hadn't been right to her, and they'd suffered so much-enough-to see their stars align and he hoped that his words were resounding through to her just as equally powerful now. It was for once spoken in a place of light-however dim it may be and there was no intent for corruption, no other motives. Just Ben Solo asking her to stay.
Rey extended her hand to his, letting him envelope hers. Their fingertips touched, laced together as the force sparked with their connection, and her thumb stroked the ridges of his knuckles. His heart skipped a beat. "Naboo it is, then." She nodded, her lips tugging into the barest trace of a smile that dimpled her freckled cheeks. A genuine expression broke through her usually focused features, casting a glowing light in her eyes.
"As long as you continue this path in the light, I will follow you. I swear it, but if you ever descended back in, I would follow if just to bring you back to me." And even if it was a part of him he didn't want to entertain, he thought that meant at the expense of herself, of everything. Ben smiled despite himself, pressed their fingertips together and marveled at just how close she was, or how close she felt. Every night spent on First Order ships, Rey had always felt startlingly close, just out of his reach and never close enough at the same time. But she was there, always there whether in his thoughts or speaking to him through the thread that entwined them. "Naboo it is."
