so... i wrote another part... enjoy;)
as you already know, english is not my first language
sour
"Donna, look, I appreciate what you're doing, but unless you have this other way in your pocket, please, just leave me alone and let me try and think this thing through."
"You wanted to see me?" Harvey says as he cheerfully walks into his boss office.
"I did." Jessica Pearson was waiting for him, sitting on her couch, drinking her problems away, just doing rich lonely lady stuff.
"I take it you heard about Liberty Rail." Cocky bastard.
"I did." Same sentence, different intention. In all honesty, if someday she decides to change her career path, she would be a great actress.
"See? No harm, no foul, no mass exodus of clients." He is standing right in front of her, putting up a show enjoying his victory, but that isn't his real celebration, though. His real celebration is waiting for him at their house to talk trip arrangements after his dinner with Evan Smith to discuss the deal.
"I'm glad." She says in a soulless non-characteristic tone.
Sensing the tense air, he places his hands in his pockets, activating business mode. "What's on your mind, Jessica? You don't seem-"
"I know you told Donna about Mike Ross."
He chuckles. "First, you've always known that. Second, I didn't tell Donna; she overheard it with her intercom."
"I figured out that." She is speaking in a very neutral way, unsettling him.
The tension is pilling up so much that he has to sit down, preparing for a conversation he is not sure he wants to have. "Jessica-"
"I was never mad about it; I just want to know what made you want her to know those things about you, the things we aren't so proud about." Her curiosity sounds genuine. She has never shown real interest in his marriage, maybe concern but never curiosity. For her, it was fascinating to see how he found his soulmate in the lonely world they work in. She would never admit it out loud, but she was jealous.
"You want to tell Jeff the truth about Mike Ross." She nods while taking a sip of her whiskey. "What changed between now and when you fed him that Louis bullshit?" Believe it or not, he is being careful with his words. Neither of them was good at feelings, but he has had Donna translate all of his thoughts, in all of these years by her side, he learned a thing or two about how to make people open up to him.
"Nothing's changed- I just don't want to lie to him anymore." She doesn't think that she has ever been this honest about anything. She has finally found someone worth fighting for. She is tired of the loneliness, of being at the top of the throne with no one to enjoy the view.
"He told you he loved you, didn't he?" He says with a tiny smile on his face. Donna would be so proud of him right now.
"After twelve years, she is finally rubbing off on you." Jessica takes a sip of her drink. "When the hell did you start figuring shit like that out?" She is genially surprised and more determined with her decision. She wants that kind of change. She wants someone who will bring out the best in her; Jeff is her someone.
"She hasn't; it isn't that hard to figure it out."
She looks at her drink, smiling. "Then answer my question, what made you decide to be honest with her?"
"That's not what you really want to know." He places his elbows on his knees, leaning closer to her. They usually have a conversation like this once a year. Harvey doesn't know how to handle it. He is just copying Donna's mannerisms, thinking of how she makes him comfortable. "What you want to know is how are we still together even with all the unproudly things?"
She raises her eyebrow at the smart observation. "How?"
He diverts his eyes from her for a moment. It is a hard question that he might never be able to answer. Sometimes, he doesn't know how she is still by his side even with all the bullshit he has put her through because she loves him. Cameron Dennis, Daniel Hardman, and Stephen Huntley, the man she agreed to fake date for him that ended up being a murder. Donna did all of those things for him without asking for anything in exchange. He is a damn lucky man.
He sees all their life together through his eyes in that second. He grins, knowing she was unconditionally there for him. "I cannot answer for her, but I do know that I keep trying to do and be better because of her." He stands up from the couch. "In our line of work, there is always going to be hard conversations, you told me that, but there's always going to be something harder, change. I will never admit it to someone else, but I am not even near perfect. I act like I am, but she-" He takes a deep breath. "Donna couldn't care less about that." He smiles, feeling lighter. "Every day I wake up by her side, I'm a little closer to being the kind of man she deserves." He fixes his suit indicating that his heart is now closed, too much sentimentalism for a day.
He is about to leave her office when Jessica sporadically makes the highly anticipated decision. "Harvey, wait." He stopped in his tracks and turned to face her; she was standing with a new glow in her eyes. "I'm going to annul the prenup." This is her first step towards being a better person. Little did she know that she was about to take three steps back.
The rollercoaster of life never allows you to be at the top for too long; even a person like Harvey must go down now and then. He thought he would end his night with a settlement; instead, he got sued.
No, she got sued.
It is ironic how he thought he would get home early. He wrongly assumed he would spend a great night with his wife. Harvey Specter even thought of doing something nice and romantic for her. He feels like a fool, allowing himself to be cheesy for the first -and only- time in his life. Donna always handles every single meaningful thing from gifts to anniversaries, always her. She was the emotionally clever one, not because he couldn't, he just didn't know-how.
She is more intelligent than him; she should've been more intelligent than this. He should've been more intelligent than this.
He gave her too many responsibilities in their relationship. He knows she took too much under her charge because he never showed any signs of wanting any. Under those conditions, he would never blame her for anything. He doesn't blame her for what's happening. Her guard was down because she was busy taking care of him when it should've been the other way around. Turns out, he has been doing an awful job protecting her from the unproudly things.
As Ray drives him home, he takes a moment to admire the city. Usually, he never looks up; he has never had a good reason; right now, he's seeking comfort in the skies. All he is capable of seeing is her. The stars remind him of the freckles on her skin. Their glow is so similar to her smile after an I love you. Don't even get him started about how tonight all the traffic lights seem to always be on red. He would always find her without looking. She will always haunt him. However, nothing could ever compare to the real thing, and to think that there is a huge possibility that she will have to be taken away from him.…
Harvey doesn't wave Ray goodbye; he just walks right into his building. He enjoys the walk, loving the control he has on his steps. She might be slipping through his fingers, but he allows himself to forget about it for the whole elevator ride. He feels guilty the second it ends. He enjoyed that last moment of power way too much. He gets to their apartment; without further to do, he pours himself a Macallan and sits down to wait for her.
Donna gets home three drinks later, or in an actual time measure, an hour later. She is surprised to find him waiting for her. "Harvey, I know what you want; even though I feel great tonight, I'm not in the mood. I promise I will make it up to you, but I'm thinking that maybe we could have dinner-"
The alcohol took all his patience and the remnants of his good mood away. A small part of him expected more from her. He was being delusional, thinking she would come home and tell him everything. He has always been such a fool for her, but he has never felt like a fool because of her. A tiny difference that he is not willing to tolerate. "Well, this isn't that." She didn't see that outburst coming. "I want to know why Liberty Rail has a video of you in their file room."
Donna feels the air leave her lungs, but she refuses to give in that easy. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the fact that our smoking gun just became inadmissible," Harvey says. She is alarmed by how angry he sounds.
Donna sees him put his drink down on their coffee table, so she takes the cue and places her bag and keys on the counter. She gets closer to him, but she doesn't sit. She doesn't feel comfortable enough to do that. "Harvey-"
"How did you get those documents?" She can feel him growing impatient. Changing her mind, she sits to be at his same level. She needs to look at him in the eye before she loses him to his temper.
She takes a deep breath. "Are you asking me if I did something illegal?" She rests her elbows on her knees. Her tone is neutral; her body language is screaming approachable. She doesn't want to fight about this. She doesn't even fully know what's happening, and she can tell that he is barely keeping it together. His loud tie is telling her what he isn't- he is worried. "Because I didn't."
"Donna," Their new proximity makes him weak. He grabs his drink and finishes it in one gulp. Immediately, he pours another one. "they went to the D.A., which means they think you did." She sits straight and crosses her legs. "I'm gonna ask you one more time, how did you get in their file room?" The uncertainty is suffocating them, driving them to the edge. "Answer me." Harvey starts bouncing his leg -a thing he rarely does- and Donna grabs his drink. "Please?" He says softly.
She takes a sip of his whiskey for courage. "By walking through the door they buzzed open." She very ashamedly whispers. She starts playing with his drink, distracting herself.
"And why would they do that?" He is trying to remain calm. He does not scream. He masks his anger with concern; he is doing what a good husband is supposed to do instead of what her boss should be doing. It's killing him, but he needs answers.
"Because I'm me." She looks at him straight in the eyes.
He runs his hands through his face. He is tired and hurt, and most importantly, he doesn't have time for this. "What does that mean?"
Donna feels cornered; she takes another sip for even more courage. "It means that I led the woman to believe that I was an official from Washington."
That comment is enough to break their fake civility. He stands angry. "Led them to believe it, or flat out told them?" For her luck, he is not screaming yet. "Because one kills our case, and the other puts you in a world of shit." Never mind, he is screaming.
She sits straight. "Harvey, I'm not an idiot, and I don't appreciate being treated like one." Even in one of her worst moments, she puts her dignity first. "I told you I didn't do anything illegal, and I didn't."
"Not an idiot? What the hell were you doing there in the first place?" His tone is getting more aggressive, but one of them must remain sane. She knows it.
Donna just looks at the drink like is the most interesting thing in the world. She has been married to a lawyer for more than ten years. She is always prepared for surprise depositions, like this one. "Harvey-"
But today, he is not having any of her calming techniques. "It was Mike's idea, wasn't it?"
"No!" She stands from her now beloved leather couch. "He didn't even know about it, but what you expect me to do after I had to hide in the closet while you gave him an impossible deadline." His face immediately shows how his anger turns into disappointment. He can't take it anymore. He moves from their living room and grabs his coat. "Where are you going?" She fearfully says.
"To see Mike." He snorts.
She turns to look at him. "I told you, he didn't even know I was going to do it."
"I don't care, because unlike me, he sure as hell knew after." He puts on his coat and walks to the door.
She follows him, and when he grabs the knob, she speaks. "You don't get to walk out on me. We don't walk out on each other." Her voice breaks by the end, her emotions overwhelming her.
He gasps because he knows she's right. His parents ran away from each other, he swore, to her face, to never do that to her. Nonetheless, he also made some unspoken vows to her. The most important of them, he vowed to protect her, and that's his priority right now. He will be back to pick up the pieces later when he's sure that she's safe. So, he does what he does best, he leaves.
She throws his glass to the door in full rage. She could go to jail, but that fact doesn't hurt as much as the trace he left.
Donna wakes up with the slight hope of finding him by her side, but after years of feeling his weight in the mattress, complaining about how much he moves and an arm around her waist every night, she doesn't need to open her eyes to know that he isn't there. The last time she slept alone was when she got fired from the firm. The memory makes her giggle with irony. She thought that was going to be their biggest fight ever.
She opens her eyes to contemplate the empty space, not because she wants to, because she knows reality needs to sink in. She places her hand in the empty sheets; they aren't warm. He left her alone. Donna is aware that it was probably for the best, but it doesn't make it hurt less. She feels betrayed. She also feels like she has no right to be angry because this time, she screwed up badly first, but he was supposed to be there. He promised he would always be there. She may go to jail, this could've been one of the last nights they spent together, and for a man who is so pissed about it, he left her alone in a glass prison.
She is Donna, so she manages to crawl out of bed. She also brushes her teeth, takes a shower, picks an outfit for the day, and changes her clothes. She pushes through it, not caring about doing it alone, just for the thrill of it. She did all this stuff before him, and she could do it without him. Nonetheless, she could smell his aftershave; she could see them having a shower together. She is way too attached to this man. She huffs, hating herself for allowing him to have such power over her.
She leaves her room with the intention of making herself a cup of her comfort coffee. To her surprise, he's sleeping on their couch. The sight of him eases her aching heart quickly. She lets herself watch him from a safe distance. If they were on better terms, she would wake him up with a kiss. She remains glued to her spot, admiring all of him until something catches her eyes. She rapidly goes to him.
"Harvey," She shakes him a little bit to wake him up, then she kneels in front of him. "Harvey, what happened to your hand?"
He slowly stirs, his eyes going directly to both of his hands. "I must've cut myself cleaning the tiny pieces of glass." He doesn't move or even flinch when she starts checking his left hand. He has multiple tiny cuts that add weight to her guilt. Perhaps, going to sleep without cleaning hasn't been the best of her decisions. Lately, she has been pretty bad at those.
"I'm gonna get the first aid kit." She tries to stand, but Harvey grabs her by the arm, stopping her.
"I'm fine. I don't want you fixing another mess you caused." He bitterly says.
A knot forms in her throat, and she has to look away in shame. She doesn't feel capable of holding the weight of his sight. She is still feeling very fragile after last night. Regardless of her feelings, she will hold on to the last straw of dignity she has left. "I will take that 'cause I know you're mad at me, and you are hurt. I hurt you. It's all my fault. I get that, but can you please not hate for a second? I just need my husband for a second, and then you can go back to being my lawyer." She didn't stutter even though her whole body was shaking. There was something inside of her screaming her to do this. That something that tells her things she shouldn't know from someone just by looking at them, it's one of those moments where her super talent becomes a burden.
His ego was huge, a couple of people would say that it's bigger than Manhattan, but he can put aside for a minute, he can do that for her. Despite his awkward position on the couch, he grabs her chin. This is how they communicate, with their eyes, neither of them is that good with words, and words will never be enough for them. They need this, the touch, the close distance, the shared breath. They need the purest version of each other.
They don't kiss; they just move even closer, their foreheads are touching by now. It doesn't matter how much their bodies -and souls- are suffering. They make the most of their minute. A minute to let the so far unspoken fear come to the surface, they could lose each other. Whether she goes to jail or not, this fight can break them, and they know it. They know things are getting uglier by the second, so they enjoy each other as if it was the last time.
It's too much for her, a single truthful Demi Moore's tear slips her eye, but before it can reach the corner of her lip, he catches it, taking them out of their addictive trance. Neither of them wants to move. However, something in Harvey is pulling him away, an unsettling feeling in his chest, so he lets go of her face. Not because he can't take it, because he has to do something so they could forever stay in that moment. He stands up from the couch, walking directly to their room, leaving her on the floor, laying there alone.
He's too tired for this. Between sleeping alone on the couch, having conversations/fights with almost every single person he knows, and too much scotch in his bloodstream, he's just tired. Talking to Terrance Wolf didn't help at all.
Harvey has never been a very self-conscious person, but now, he can perfectly read the signs of betrayal on himself. His palm gets sweaty, he must look up to the sky at all moments, and he feels this weird need to speak with no words coming out of his mouth, he feels like he has something to say, but he doesn't understand what it is. Who would've thought she would make him this vulnerable?
But if there's one thing he would never be able to forget, it is how to give an order. "My office. Now." Donna quickly stands from her desk and follows him to his office. "Close the door." He turns to look at her. She's going to hear what he can't comprehend.
She follows his order, using those seconds to find her strength. "Harvey, what happened?" Her concern is attached to every word. The Harvey in front of her is unsettling her. She doesn't have the energy to keep fighting. Neither of them has it.
"What happened is, you lied to me." He furiously says.
"What are you talking about?" She responds surprised while she starts doing a mental search of what he could be referring to.
"You told their secretary you were with the NTSB?" He hates surprise attacks. He hates that he should've pushed her further yesterday. He hates her new habit of keeping things from him.
"That's not what I said." She regretted her choice of words the moment they left her mouth.
He has had enough. "Bullshit!" She is taken aback by his tone so much that she takes a step backward. "I know when I've been lied to. Come clean right now." He lowers his voice not wanting a lecture about raising his voice at her.
She has no words. "I-"
"Right the hell now!" Maybe he doesn't care that much about getting anything from her because he screams again.
She jumps and starts shaking. "I never said I was with them. I said: Have you ever heard of the National Transportation Safety Board?"
He just can't believe how much of a fool both of them had been. "How is that any different?"
And for the first time in her life, she truly feels like one. "I'm sorry, I-"
"You're sorry?" He says with malice in his tone. He is doing a thousand things he promised to never do to her, but the only thing he asked from her is to never lie to him.
"Harvey, I swear I didn't know that that made it a crime." She feels on the edge, again.
"You knew when I point-blank asked you, and you lied to me about it." Seeing her like this is waking up his need to wrap her up in his arms, so he turns. He moves towards his desk, wishing to put an end to this conversation.
She can only do so much self-pity. "Well, I thought that you would take care of it." The only thing she achieves with her snarky remark is to offend him.
"How can I take care of it if you don't tell me the goddamn truth?" He stands behind his desk, putting a physical barrier between them because the emotional one was slowly breaking down, letting them see this as a fight between Mr. & Mrs. Specter.
"Do you think that I didn't want to tell you the truth?" She's now the one screaming, reaching for him with glassy eyes.
"Then why didn't you?" He asks more softly, knowing that all hell just broke loose.
"Because I was ashamed!" That comment falls heavy on both of their shoulders. She doesn't feel relief, and he doesn't feel sympathy. They both feel guilty. "I know that it sounds stupid, but you and Mike and everyone pull these rabbits out of your hats all the time, and I just sit outside, answer the phones, make you dinner and fuck you behind closed doors." He gulps. "And then I got those documents, and people said I saved the day."
"Donna-" He doesn't even know what he wanted to say, but he felt like he needed to say something. Nevertheless, he's relieved that she interrupted him.
"No!" She pushes him away with one hand and places the other in her hip. "Now, you listen to me." She takes a breath calming herself. She doesn't feel compassion towards him. She needs to be capable to speak. "The next thing I knew, you were waiting for me on the couch without love in your eyes. Coming at me like I was some sort of criminal and not the woman you have been-" She cuts herself short, knowing they're in the office. Suddenly, he remembers that he has been keeping some information from her too. "For more than ten years, and I panicked, and I lied. I did it because you didn't seem to recognize me like I don't recognize you right now."
She's crying by the end of her speech. This was years in the making, you can't treat the most important person in your life only as your assistant for too long, but she took it. She took every single year, canceled dates, denied affections, strong remarks, jealousy attacks, and even a prenup because she fell in love with him. The second she saw him, she felt so bright, like never before. It was a feeling she would never be able to translate into words. Loving him is so easy, simple, and bright.… most of the time. If you ask her, she will do it all again for him, but if she had put herself first? She would've run away years ago.
"Donna-"
She's not finished yet, and she will probably never will. "I'm sorry, Harvey." She says with her heart in the palm of her hand. The only thing she has left.
"I know you are, but this just got a thousand times harder for me to get out of." Sadly, he is not willing to take it.
She scoffs. "You mean for you to get me out of."
"Donna, you of all people should understand by now that to me, they're the same thing." He says, outraged.
"Should I?" She tills her head slightly to the side. "Or should you read the prenup before doing something that jeopardizes your job?" With her head high, she leaves his office.
As usual, he doesn't go after her.
It's easy to say that the last twenty-four hours have been some of the worst Harvey has ever gotten to live, only topped by his father's death, but at that moment, he had her. She took care of him like never before and was there for him every step of the way. For legal reasons, she wasn't at the funeral with him, but she was there every night after, every nightmare, every stage of the grief. Finally, he's happy to say he saved her too.
Donna's desk phone rings, startling her. She only reads the first five numbers before identifying who it is. "Harvey."
"I did it. I took care of it." She can finally breathe. "Donna-"
"Harvey-" They say their names in unison, making her giggle. "I'm sorry." She speaks first. She can thank him later. She needs to be sure that she will not be sleeping alone another night, feeling guilty about convincing him to get a big comfy couch.
"I know, me too." They both smile, but neither say anything for a while, enjoying the presence of the other.
It feels good not wanting to kill each other.
Again, she breaks the moment. "Harvey, we need to talk." She says softly, intending no harm.
"I know, we will talk, enjoy your freedom, you can express your gratitude to me later, preferably, naked." Here they are again, The Specters.
She laughs because she can finally do it without remorse. "God, I love you." She brings her hand to her head, not believing she married a goof.
"I know."
Did he just Han Solo me? "Since when you know everything, mister?"
"What can I say? You're finally rubbing off on me." He smiles remembering his conversation with Jessica. He thinks tonight he can finally tell her about the annulment. "I gotta go, love you." He hangs up before spilling the surprise.
She bites her lip, feeling like a teenager again. "Love you too." She says to the phone even though nobody hears it. She just feels like saying it again, ignoring that those feelings are going to get forgotten soon enough.
