i guess that now i'm writing a full story lol
i have a lot of ideas for this story and i will continue, please, be patient with me. i'll try to update as often as i can.
the usual disclaimer, english is not my first language:)
inside her fantasy
"Well, we'll find out when she's about to be convicted, and I offer her a deal."
And in the blink of an eye, it was real.
Before, it was an untouchable possibility that lingered in the air creating chaos, but now, it was real.
Thirty seconds ago, she thanked her lawyer for saving her ass, but life was never that easy. The truth slapped her in the face with malice, showing no mercy on her, knocking her out with the one simple blow. She has her arraignment tomorrow at nine am, and a prosecutor is using her to get to Harvey.
Oh, God.
After Terrance Wolf leaves, she emulates his concentration method; she strides straight to the window. However, the perfect city doesn't soothe her.
She has always loved the view; she has never felt small while admiring the tall buildings, she couldn't explain it, but the cityscape has always treated her as an equal. Nonetheless, looking through it now is overwhelming. She can't imagine herself trapped in a cell in an area where the place starts losing its name.
The worst part is that she can't picture herself alone. "What happens now?" She mumbles with tears in her eyes.
"What happens now is, we go in there tomorrow and enter a plea of not guilty." She hates that he sounds so confident as much as she hates that she's falling into the stereotype of damsel in distress. She hates that she's counting on him to be the strong one this time. She hates her head for replaying the memories of what she is about to lose.
She hates that she did it.
"But I am guilty."
He hates that too. "Donna, intent to commit fraud is a bullshit charge, and he's just using you to try to scare you." I'm the one who taught you how to read people. She rolls her eyes. Suddenly, the sunlight becomes too much. She moves from the window running away from the unbearable light.
"Well, it's working. I'm scared." She says it because it's the only logical thing she comes up with without giving away how terrified she actually is.
Harvey knows she's scared. He notices how tense her shoulders are, the shakiness in her voice, the wobbliness in her legs that forces her to sit down on the couch. He can see it all. After twelve years, he can read her just like she has been capable to do with him since day one.
"Donna." He tries to do something, but she cuts him short. She has had enough of minimizing the subject.
"What's the punishment?" Some part of her doesn't want to know; however, she will prepare herself this time.
He sits down on the couch in front of her, close enough to help her and far away enough to protect himself. "It doesn't matter because I'm gonna get you out of it." He seems offended. Donna feels that the question struck a little too hard.
I'm not doubting you. The sentence never escapes her mouth. "Harvey, what's the punishment?" Nonetheless, she does need her answer, so she asked again with more strength in her tone.
There's a brief moment of silence that hangs in the air as a gift from the universe; both of them use it to prepare themselves. "Three to five years." He went to college to know stuff like that, but hell, right now, he wishes he didn't. It's all he's been able to think about since he found out.
"Oh, my God." She will never be capable of explaining what she went through in that second of realization. It is another type of pain that they never warn you about, the kind that takes your breath away and makes you think if it was worth it. You think about what you will lose, the moments you will miss, and the people who will move on without you.
Three to five years doesn't sound like a lot until you think about putting your whole life on hold for that amount of time. Five years turn into sixty months, sixty months turn into one thousand eight hundred and twenty-five days, and just like that, five years becomes a lifetime without you.
All that hurtful information invades her, taking power over her, redefying everything she knew, and she will know, about herself.
Donna hears Louis enter the room, she feels how Harvey stands up, and then her mind starts to wander. Everything feels so far away. Her body is in the room with them, but she has no idea where her mind could be. Your life is ending is all she can process. Everything else -everyone else- becomes background noise.
A chill runs through her body, building up her anxiety levels causing a phantom feeling on an itch in her wrist. She tries to rub it away with her hand, not caring about being gentle. You are not in handcuffs; she tries to say to herself, but the background noises become too loud. "This isn't helping." She says, not feeling sure to what exactly she's referring to.
They were talking, no, they were fighting, but Donna just sits in the middle of them like a grounded child. She nods and looks at Louis when she hears Harvey say she's guilty. Unsurprisingly, the thing that brings her out of her mental cage is her need to defend Harvey.
She stands up from the couch to prevent another episode of whatever that was. "Harvey didn't even know I did it." She looks directly to Louis when she says it. Evading Harvey's judgemental gaze, still, she can feel his eyes burning into her neck.
"You know what? It doesn't even matter because I'm taking over." Louis exclaims, outraged and ready to leave the room.
"No, you're not." Harvey strikes back firmly. There is no way in hell that he's going to let someone else represent her. No one will ever be able to fight for her like him.
And no one should.
Louis is almost outside of the office when angered by the lack of common sense, he returns. "He's trying to get her to turn on you. You cannot be her lawyer." He uses his theatrical body language to emphasize his point. Harvey needs to be objective.
"She's not going to, so what difference does it make?" Harvey's anger is growing by the second, but if there is one thing he is sure of is that Donna will never turn on him. She can't.
"The difference is, if you're out of the picture, Wolf backs down." That comment gets under Donna's skin. Louis is right; she is not the one the prosecutor wants.
But for Harvey, if they want one of them, they want both. "From where he's standing, I'm in the picture, and he's never gonna back down." He sounds so mad, making her feel so guilty of thinking that if she wants to set herself free from this mess, she needs someone else's help. All she needs is him.
"You don't know that, and this is Donna's life." He is my life. She doesn't feel like talking. She is just looking at Harvey, trying to find the answers in his face. She's searching for doubt, fear, realization, anything that could tell her what to do.
She is my life. "And I'm not putting it in your hands."
"And it's not your decision to make." Louis is the only person in the room that isn't blinded by love and need. He can't understand what is going on through their minds. He's just trying to be a good lawyer and an even better friend.
Harvey is a lot of things too, but the difference is that he wouldn't be anything without her. "No, it's not. It's Donna's." Their eyes locked for a short -enough to be ignored- moment but long enough to give Donna her answer. "And she's sticking with me." He walks to his desk, putting a definitive end to the conversation.
Donna is so baffled; however, she found what she wanted, not even Louis' gestures make her change her mind. "Louis, please, I know that you want to help, but just go." She tries to be polite about it, but it comes out ruder than what she intended. Louis exits the room speechless, leaving a wrecked Donna with a new emotion towards Harvey; doubt.
Donna gets home first this time around, dropping her keys and Hermès bag only God knows where, kicking off her Jimmy Choo's stilettos.
She rushes straight to the kitchen. Mentally thanking their eccentric taste, she opens the alcohol cabinet with too much enthusiasm and grabs a bottle of one of their most expensive red wine. They were saving that bottle for a special occasion, but who cares? She is trying to learn to be less materialistic.
She grabs the biggest wineglass and goes straight to their guest's room. Yes, they have a guest's room, and her dramatic husband still chose to sleep on the couch these past days. She completely understands him when she goes into the room with the intention of dropping herself on the mattress. Instead, she locks the door, rests her back on it, and slides to the floor without grace. The bed is too big for one person.
She analyzes the wineglass for a little bit and places it aside when she decides that a glass is too glamorous for what she is planning to do. Without her usual elegance, she rudely opens the bottle and starts drinking directly from it.
Donna laughs at herself. Pathetic, she thinks. However, rock-bottom feels so great when you have nothing else to lose. She doesn't notice when the tears start streaming down her face or how her sobs grow gradually louder. She just wants to let it all out.
When Harvey gets home, he's welcomed by a symphony of sobs. He is bewildered by the sound, so he follows it, leading him to their guest's room. "Donna?" He asks, receiving no answer. He tries to open the door only to find out that is locked. He doesn't ask that she lets him in, feeling that she needs to be alone. He walks away to the door and goes to the kitchen.
He is not surprised that her favorite glass is missing, nor does the lack of their good wine bottle surprise him. He grabs a glass for himself and picks the Macallan 18 from the coffee table. He doesn't feel like talking, and he has the feeling that neither does she. Unconsciously simulating her moves, he ends up on the floor with his back resting on the door.
Donna can feel the extra weight on the other side of the door letting out a tiny smile. She loves how unintentionally poetical the situation is. She slides her hand that isn't holding the bottle in the space between the door and the floor, she feels stupid for doing it, but when his hand reaches her own, it makes sense. The alcohol in her system, his fingers brushing against hers, make her feel less alone.
But is not enough, it will never be.
They stay like that for hours, taking some occasional sips of their drinks, without sharing a word. Neither of them remembers who moved first or when but when they wake up in different beds, the whole night feels like a fever dream.
The morning is even weirder. Nobody says a word, but they do their usual morning dance in silence. Donna makes his coffee. Harvey makes her breakfast, both float around the kitchen without touching, enjoying each other's company allowing fear to be the one in control.
These silent days are going to destroy them inside out.
"All rise."
The judge's voice sounds like a distant echo in her ears. Donna feels the room shrinking her. The loud thud of her heart makes everything feel massive. The huge weight on her shoulders doesn't help; her car ride with Harvey didn't either. Ray was too scared to talk. Harvey didn't know what to say, and she, well, all she was capable of doing was play with her fingers.
Everything is too much, and she's feeling too little.
"You okay?" Harvey asks. He still feels the awkwardness from the car on his words, but he is worried by how pale and out of it she looks. He asks more out of politeness than something else, though. He knows the answer.
"Mm-hmm." She hums a fake affirmation. "Am I gonna have to talk?" Please don't tell me that I have to do something I don't have the strength for.
Luckily, her lawyer had good news for her. "Just be polite and say: your honor. It will be over before you know it" I will make this end before you know it.
"State versus Donna Paulsen."
The echoes are back. Her senses are numbing. She knows she must talk at a certain point, so she tries to remain a little alert, but it gets harder to pay attention to something that doesn't feel like a threat. She may never forget the face of the man in front of her, but she can't understand what he is saying. It's like she forgot how to speak her language. She forgot who she was in that courtroom.
"Ms. Paulsen," She stands up, keeping her hand on the table to ground her. "you have been charged with felony intent to commit fraud. This carries a maximum sentence of up to five years in prison. Do you understand the charges against you today?" She feels so exposed. Like she's in hell with the ruler of all that it's evil reading her sins for everyone to listen. The judge has no blame, but she can't help wishing he didn't exist.
"Yes, your honor." She speaks. Of course, she understands the charges. I just spent the whole night crying about it.
"How do you plead?"
She feels Harvey's eyes on her, and just for a second, she hesitates. "Not guilty, your honor." She says with fear in her tone. She has become a criminal that lied in court. How worst can this nightmare get?
As the sound of the judge's gavel hits her, she drowns in her own mind. Donna stays frozen in place, watching how life takes its course without her. She can't move. She's too frightened for it. The weight on her shoulders disappears; everything does in a blur. All that is left is that now-familiar background noise.
Her senses feel activated, but she perceives nothing. The adrenaline in her system raises the necessity of running to a hundred, but she can't. Her chest feels so tight that she's sure it's going to explode, she tries to place her hand on top of her heart, but she can't. Her brain is giving orders that she can't follow. Some people are moving, but she stays there.
She seeks Harvey with her eyes because what else could she do?
She is not a lawyer here; she is no one. Another case, routine for the judge, more money for the prosecutor, she is no one. She watches him defend her honor with no success.
The prosecutor looks at her directly in her eyes. "You're gonna have to go find yourself a new secretary, and please, this time around, don't marry her." Harvey is taken aback by the comment. "You think that I wouldn't find out?" Terrance Wolf leaves with his head high.
Harvey feels the need to go after him, but Donna grabs him by the arm to stop him. He looks at her with a mixture of surprise and anger. She doesn't say anything, she intertwines their fingers and guides him to the exit holding his hand. They have nothing else to lose.
Harvey goes on with his day. He acts as if he is working on someone else's case. Donna tries to do her job; however, her fear paralyzes her. Every time she tries to be productive, her soul leaves her body, taking her to a place in her mind she's so used to by now, but wishes that she had never found.
Sometimes she replays every conversation, decision, and little moment that she could think of. Other times, she stares at his office as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Over the years, she has spent a good amount of time watching him work, finding comfort in the mere sight of him. Today she observes him, hoping that he is fighting hard enough. She hates that she can't do anything to save herself, well, except one thing.
He's trying to get her to turn on you. You cannot be her lawyer.
Louis' words travel her mind every now and then. He's right. He is so goddamn right. Terrence Wolf looked at her as an extension of Harvey. A peon in his game to get to her husband. I am no one. So, she stands up from her desk. She is going to do something.
Donna walks into Harvey's office with determination in every step, a thing he ignores. "Donna, why don't you go home? You know I like to be alone when I'm getting ready for a trial." He sounds so dismissive, making it easier for her to speak up.
"I need to talk to you." All her bravery flies through the window when he closes his computer.
Harvey looks at her straight into her eyes. "What is it?" He is annoyed by the interruption; he doesn't care if he acts like it. He needs to work.
She takes a deep breath. "I think maybe Louis was right." She says without stumbling through her words. She is determined.
"You think Louis was right about what?" He was there; he remembers the conversation. He just can't believe what she is about to do.
"Maybe he should be handling my case." He drifts his eyes away from her with shame.
He feels so hurt, so he handles it in the only way he knows. He grabs the case files, puts them together in the folder, and throws them in front of her. "Okay, well, if that's how you feel." He bitterly mutters.
His actions are so obvious to her that she almost feels stupid for even mentioning it. "I knew it. I knew you would take it as an insult." She was tired of the same old tango that their fights tend to be. She can't keep living like this.
"How exactly would you like me to take it?" But he was clueless and hurt. It was all that mattered to him.
"I would like you to take it seriously and talk about it with me." They were both too tired to keep arguing like this.
"Okay, Donna, why exactly would you prefer Louis to handle this?" He mocks the demeanor he thinks she would like him to take.
She doesn't take that gesture well. "Because I sat in that arraignment today, and it hit me that I might actually go to prison." She takes a pause preparing herself for the next confession. "And you were more concerned with attacking Terrance Wolf than you were with me." It takes a piece of her to admit that he didn't take care of her. Maybe he did, or maybe he didn't. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Donna didn't feel like she had his support in that arraignment.
As usual, he listens to what he wants to listen to. "So, you think Louis is right. I piss off the D.A. too much."
"Well, you sure did today." She quickly responds. She may not blame him for putting her in this situation, but she is angry. She has the right to be.
"Because he's coming at us." In pure honesty, he is feeling helpless too. Pissing people off is his way of defending himself, is how he does things.
She knows that, but that doesn't mean she has to keep tolerating it. "And you're pouring gas on the fire." They don't handle crises the same way.
"Because that's what I do, and I don't need you coming in here second-guessing how I do my job." He feels offended because all he is trying to do is save her. The worst of him put her in this position. The best of him should get her out of this.
Why is she making it so impossible?
"Harvey, why are you attacking me? I'm not the enemy." The tension in the air is unbearable. This conversation is breaking something between them. They're suffering some damages that will be hard to mend.
He stands up, tired of her negligence over his feelings. "You sure as hell are right now."
She feels how he stabbed her with his words. "What? Why am I the-" When is this nightmare going to stop?
"Because I'm getting ready for a fight, and you're telling me you don't think I can win." He raises his tone. He needs to be clear with her.
She needs him to listen. "I'm not telling you that. I'm telling you that I'm petrified." Both sides are bleeding with every knife sharp sentence, but this time, neither of them wants to back down from the fight. This has never been just about Donna; this is about them. Are they strong enough to handle it?
"And I understand," Do you? "but I don't have time to comfort you." He is dying to do it, but he needs her to be safe. That is his priority.
"Well, I need you to make time." She raises her voice at him for breaking the rule. Tonight, they are breaking their three most important rules: don't raise your voice, don't say something you cannot take back, and don't lose faith.
"And I can't, because-" If only he wasn't so stubborn.
"Harvey, this is my life!" She shouts, and both go silent. She regrets how all the love in his eyes shreds into pieces. So many times, she has sworn that she was in this with him. It was their unspoken vow, and she just broke it as if his efforts didn't matter, as if he's not going to lose her too, as if she didn't understand that she was his universe.
How can I remember all that when you treat me as another client?
He swallows the knot in his throat. He wants to scream something meaner, hurt Donna even more than she did with him, but he has finally seen it all clearly. He was breaking her too.
Donna continues because pandora's box was now open, it was her moment. "When I told Louis how you got me out of this thing, he told me how scared he was at the thought of me going to prison, and I just…need…you…to-" Be my husband. Her voice is breaking so much by the end, that she is grateful for the interruption.
"Donna, the thought of you going to prison makes me want to drop to my knees." Saying it makes it real for him. She wasn't expecting to see him like that. In so much despair, almost desperate. "You want to hear me say it? There it is." For the second time in her life, she is speechless. "But that's not gonna happen because I'm not gonna let it happen." He walks to her. He doesn't feel like he needs to keep spilling his feelings. "But in order to do that, you need to let me do what I do." He tries to close the distance between them, but she takes a step back. He still is way too angry for her liking. She knows he meant every single word, and she does want his comfort; that's the whole reason they're fighting but not like this, not when it feels forced.
"Harvey-"
"That's enough; you want someone to give you a hug? Go to Louis. You want somebody to get you out of this thing? You need to leave me alone." He regrets his words when all the love in her eyes shreds into pieces just like his moments before. He may have taken it too far.
"I just want you. Is that so hard to understand?" She leaves him alone the same way he left her all those times when she needed more. Their situation just turned into something he might not be able to fix.
And in the blink of an eye, it was gone.
Before, it was an untouchable possibility that lingered in the air feeding the chaos, but now, it was gone.
In some sort of déjà vu, the pattern repeats. Well, not exactly. Harvey texts her the good news this time. They are aware that they are not ready to speak to each other, so a text does the job. Donna replays a thank you that doesn't feel enough, so in an impulse, she tells him to meet her at their first apartment.
Call them melancholics, but neither of them wanted to get rid of the place, so they kept it as a reminder of where it all started. In these walls, they got engaged. Harvey carried her through that door on their wedding night. This place holds their first memories as a couple. How can they sell that?
Donna opens the door with the spare key she carries around just to be overwhelmed by memories. This time, the good kind. She adores the place's decoration. They worked so hard to buy new furniture that most of them are secondhand pieces they restored. This place was the foundation of who they were and who they became.
She walks through it, admiring the fine job the cleaning company they monthly pay has been doing. Everything looks impeccable, just as they left it. The last time they were here, they used it to have a dinner party with Donna's mom and some random boyfriend. The dinner sucked, but she laughs, remembering how happy she was. She remembers how on that night, everything made sense. It didn't matter that her mom had a shrimp in her hair; it was the moment she realized that marrying Harvey had been the best decision of her life. She wanted to stay frozen at that moment forever.
A knock on the door startles her. That was fast, she thinks.
Harvey observes the 206 with nostalgia. He never had to knock before, and he had his key with him too, but he felt like intruding wasn't the most appropriate thing to do. He is not sure of where they are standing.
She opens the door smiling at him. She can't be mad at him in this place. He shrugs at her, raising his hand showing her a bottle of wine he brought as a peace offering that apparently works. She grabs the bottle and turns around, allowing him to enter. Unlike her, he doesn't get overwhelmed with the place. Harvey has been here a couple of times, reminiscing all that he earned in an apartment he used to hate because it didn't represent the man he wanted to be. As expected, he was wrong.
He goes straight to sit on the couch. "Do you remember the night we got married?" He asks out of the blue.
The question surprises her that she decides that she must be close before talking at all. She was gracefully pouring them some glasses of wine at the cute dining table. She walks to the couch and sits while handing Harvey his drink. "What do you mean by that? Of course, I do." Her voice has an offended tone that she doesn't want to be misinterpreted, so she adds something. "I have you to remind me of it every day." Her little joke makes them chuckle. For the first time in days, they don't feel so heavy around each other.
"I mean what we said to each other." He sounds calm. He is not looking for a fight, but he's too passionate.
"We said and did a lot of things to each other that night." He gives her an I'm trying to be serious look. "We said that we could never go back." Her arm is resting on the backrest of the couch, allowing his hand to travel to her waist. They are close enough to kiss but far away to breathe their own air, a perfect distance to talk without distractions. After days of feeling like touching was forbidden, all he wants to do is go back to the place he truly feels at home, her body.
"Yes," He snorts. "but you said: as of today-"
She feels she must be the one who says it. Again. "You are my most precious liability." She smiles at knowing she is not the only one who never forgot about it. She also takes a sip of her precious red wine to hide her blushing cheeks.
His eyes go to his glass, and elegantly takes a sip of his drink too. They look at each other while the alcohol enters their systems, unconsciously recreating how they used to flirt in this same living room before getting married. There's a familiar feeling covering them like a soft blanket, joining them even more together.
Feeling his nervousness, she decides to break the silence. "And you told me-"
"I told you I'd never let anything happen to you," She brings her arms and glams closer to her body, forcing his hand to leave her. "and I won't ever." He puts a necessary emphasis on that word. "So, you don't ever have to feel scared like that again." You noticed it. She spent these past days feeling so ignored that she failed to notice he was miserable too.
She thinks so many things to say, but they all sound passive-aggressive. "I thought you said you didn't do the comfort thing." She snarks. She is feeling cheerful tonight. She raises her eyebrow at him with so much sass that it makes him laugh, taking him a little bit out of his serious state.
"I didn't say I didn't do it. I said I didn't have the time because I was so busy saving your ass." She contemplates how he finishes his wine, and suddenly everything is bright again. Her superpower included. The Harvey in front of her is the Harvey she knows like the palm of her hand.
"I'm sorry I doubted you." He is looking at her, he is glad for receiving his very longed-for apology, but he feels guilty for getting it first. He gently guides his left hand to her cheek, stroking it briefly in a sweet gesture. She takes it as you didn't need to say it.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you." He doesn't let go of her cheek just yet. She leans into his touch relishing in his tenderness. "Anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter, but with you, it will always be different." The dim lights encourage them to kiss. They savor each other's lips as if they were greeting an old friend. They were addicts that couldn't handle a few days of abstinence, as people say, old habits die hard.
She breaks the kiss to take some air. They instinctively connect their foreheads, laughing a little bit with outbursting joy. They were finally home; however, he remembers the information he's been keeping from her.
"I need to tell you something." She tilts her head with curiosity. "Jessica annulled the prenup."
She separates herself from him, breaking all the contact. "When did you find out?"
"The night I found out about your lawsuit." Through her eyes, all kinds of emotions travel at lightspeed.
All she wanted came to her when she needed it the most, and he didn't tell her?
And just like that, they were back to square one.
