When they separated, she thought that she heard the thread open up only to sigh in disappointment. Rey agreed with it, but this was preferable to him shying away, pretending that their connection was some grand and important thing that benefited only the fate of someone else.
It wasn't very long ago that Kylo Ren was traversing the galaxy set on ending her life while she tried to untangle the meaning of their connection. Now, she was stumbling along toward an uncertain future and following this new dynamic so blindly. The adrenaline enveloped her leaving behind a rush that never quite went away even when she laid down to rest.
Stress, she told herself.
Nightmares. Everything with the resistance, with Ben recently re-realizing himself. It left her vulnerable, wishing for things that didn't quite make sense given the moment, and it also wasn't the time. She felt his feelings resounding so strongly against her, even if he didn't quite realize it himself, but there was some form of restraint, something holding him back.
It could've been her, or what he was afraid she would become-he had seen her dreams; an extended version that she could only imagine what horrors had awaited him there at her hand-or an unsureness on his end at pursuing something that felt so far out of their reach.
There was nothing in the way.
They shared a connection, a future.
And there were plans for the both of them, an unforeseeable possibility that Leia warned her about. Would their Dyad be what ultimately dragged them down?
Was it something that Ben was unwilling to risk?
Would ditching their identities completely still not be enough?
Her heart lurched in her chest, her eyes crinkling with her falling expression.
They shared a kiss on Exogol-one she remembered quite fondly-but was it only a relief at being alive; mere gratitude and thanks? What were they destined to be in the end? How would they lead themselves to a much more peaceful conclusion?
Would she ever know what the words be with me meant?
"We need to move on," Rey spoke gently, ducking underneath his arm. "It's not foolish to think that we may have been followed back. I don't know where we could dock next but-"
"Hold on."
"But you've explored more than I have. Surely you know another place that we could restock supplies, trade the ship-" She didn't stop to catch his expression when she passed, but he caught her arm, turned her around to face him before his thumb was wiping at a spot above her eye. It squeezed shut at the gentle prodding.
"You're bleeding."
"Bleeding?" She echoed, fingers fumbling against her face. Her index finger and thumb rubbed together, and as he said, scarlet coated the tips. "I hadn't noticed."
"Are you okay? I didn't get the chance to ask when we left."
"I'm okay. It's just a cut."
"Does anywhere else hurt?"
"Besides everywhere?" She chuckled softly, a soft smile touching her lips as she looked up. Heat emanated from him, feeling the faint rasp of his callouses against her skin. Kylo Ren seemed to strip away more and more with his habiliment, and she saw a neglected boy working toward letting go of the bitter resentment he had held onto for so long-the lonely, troubled spirit that was Ben Solo.
He was becoming so much more. Someone that she knew his family would be proud of if they could see him now. Maybe they could. Even if he was still clinging to old scars, he knew that it was pointless to attempt to erase the past rather than reconcile with it. Old enemies were gone, and they couldn't hurt them anymore, not here.
Maybe she could simply reconcile with her lineage, remind herself that even if it was a part of her, she had chosen a different path, and now that it was gone, every fear was just that. Fear. It wasn't real. It couldn't be made a reality unless she wanted it to be.
And he was quiet, looking at her as though he were dazed. She gently prompted, "Ben?"
He smiled, a genuine one that pulled at both corners of his mouth before he backed off, a space between them that left her shivering despite the Tattooine heat. "Come on. We should look you over just in case."
Without protest, she followed him down the hallway where the medical bay waited, rather the small examination room that passed for one. Her fingers continuously fumbled at the wound above her eye; having pointed it out it stung, but it was a small pain in comparison to the aching in the rest of her muscles.
Rey sat down on one of the beds where he directed her, running her clammy hands down the length of her thighs as she breathed. She was only just coming down from the adrenaline, and her earlier hallucination still had her chest heaving
Ben rifled through the cabinets, grabbing a small kit before returning to her side. He cupped her chin in the palm of his hand, dabbing at the wound above her eye. She winced, tugging back slightly. His grip remained firm.
They were both quiet, unspoken moments passing between them while he focused on the spot above her eye. His expression was intent, and for a moment she marveled in it. Seeing that concentration outside of something besides battle left her with a feeling she couldn't quite explain.
"You kept your hair down." Ben observed, his focus unwavering. "I thought with Tattooine's climate, you might put it up."
Rey attempted to turn her head, his neutral expression obscuring any of his thoughts to her. She scoffed. "I didn't keep it down for you." She insisted.
"I never said that you did." He shrugged with a light smirk that brightened his usually stoic features-at least the stoicness that she was used to. Seeing him smile, hold expressions was a new experience that while most certainly welcome, still managed to throw her off balance. More off balance.
She tugged back from his grip, and his hand dropped to his side, useless. "And what of your hair?"
"My hair?" He echoed, arching a brow.
Her heart skipped a beat, her eyes darting between him and the floor. "It needs a trim. With a bit more time, it will be even longer than mine, I think."
"Are you trying to change the subject?"
"What?" Rey bristled, head snapping up. "No. Of course not. I am merely implying-"
"Back in the cockpit you were thinking about something." Ben went on-much to her frustration, closing the distance between them again, spraying a medicinal salve against her skin and pressing on an adhesive despite her protests. It stung momentarily, but a comforting burn soon took its place. "What was it?"
The brief memory of her unspoken thoughts came crashing back to her, and she couldn't laugh despite the awkwardness of it, even if she stared at him, lips slightly parted and an incredulous expression that she was sure gave it away already.
"You're staring." He mumbled.
"I wasn't thinking about anything." She insisted.
"Nothing?"
"I was thinking about what we should do since we couldn't trade the ship here." She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't know of many places that have similar trading systems. Not unless you wanted to try Jakku, of which I am not leaping at the chance to go back to."
Ben cocked his head, and she avoided his eyes as they swept over some random part of the room instead, over medicinal bottles and supplies, over freshly washed sheets and polished surfaces. Whatever she could find as a distraction that would stop the heat from flooding her face and giving her away.
"That's not what you were thinking about." He dipped his chin, motioning vaguely toward her abdomen. "Do you mind if I look?"
"Sure." She mumbled.
Her hand wrapped around the fabric of her shirt and lifted it up to grant him better access. A small shiver ran up her spine as his calloused hands brushed across her bare midriff. It wasn't a bruise yet, only the beginnings of one large ugly discoloration from having been sent careening into too many tables and hitting the ground in some lame attempt to hide her Jedi nature.
Her nerves flared, breath hitching as he sprayed more medical salve over the mark. Ben studied it, his breath hot against her skin, his head bent at an angle to see it better. The hair on her arms rose straight up, her entire body tensing with it.
"Are you uncomfortable?"
"N-No, it just stings." She lied, her tone a slightly higher pitch than normal. Her teeth gnawed at her lower lip.
"You're tense."
"No, I'm not."
Ben exhaled softly, gingerly pulling the fabric of her shirt down for her. "Thankfully, you got out a lot better than you could have."
"Thanks to you."
"You gave me my life." He reminded her. "I shouldn't have suggested we split up. It's a mistake I'm not going to repeat in the future." He sounded so sure, as if promising himself such a thing.
Her heart sank into one pounding mess at the bottom of her stomach. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" He repeated, taking a step back so that he could see her more clearly. It only made her want to squirm more. "For what?"
"I was stressed." Rey snaked her head back to look up at him. "The nightmares, everything with the resistance. It was making me afraid of a possibility and I took that out on you. I made it seem like you hadn't ever felt similarly and I know that you have." She whispered, her thoughts unveiling themselves before she could stop them. At least, a portion of her thoughts. Never could she admit other such private things. "I know that you have been through more than enough, and I just-I shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry."
Ben mulled over her words, watching her with a certain intent.
"You wanted to kiss me." He stated.
"Huh?" She asked dumbly.
"In the cockpit." He leaned back, folded his arms across his chest in smug satisfaction. "That's what you were thinking about."
She snorted in disbelief. "No, I wasn't." And she smiled, attempting to give off that she was rather confident in that fact, but he didn't buy it, dipping his chin and scrutinizing her more closely. It wavered that confidence, just enough for her to look away from him.
"I could sense it through our connection."
Kriffing Dyad…
"And you're delusional."
"You're thinking about it right now. I can feel it."
"I'm feeling rather embarrassed right now, actually." She retorted, standing and running her still clammy hands down her clothes in an attempt to calm their trembling. So what if she was still thinking about it? "And pressured by all of these accusations when we should be moving on."
She wanted to say more, but words never came. She gulped, feeling heat brush across her face. Her chest rose and fell and she slunk around him, her hand pausing on the edge of the doorframe when he acknowledged her again, this time with a tone more deathly serious, insistent that she listen.
She did.
"You know, they train Jedi from a young age. I was sent to my uncle even though I didn't feel like I was ready, like I ever would be ready. Snoke was in my ear for as long as I could remember, and the rejection from my parents, Luke's distance, it was really difficult to deal with. For a child." He stood there, several feet away from her, his hands folded inside his pockets.
"I can only imagine what you went through, Ben." She whispered, resisting the urge to go to him, to prove to him that he was right by kissing him then, succumbing to her fantasies. She could only be a comforting presence for so long before it would no longer be enough.
And she hoped that she still was, for what it was worth.
"When I was about ten, and I was training, there was a presence in the force. It was bright and pure, calm and innocent." He scoffed a smile. "I didn't know what it was at the time, but I spent several years trying to reach through the force to find it. Eventually, I forgot. But when I left the Jedi temple and pursued my life as Kylo Ren, I started to remember. Then I found you and I realized our connection."
Rey nodded slowly, standing there, her fingers gripping the frame tighter. What was she supposed to say? She hadn't felt anything since she ran into him in the forest that first time. After all, he was much more proficient in the force than she was so perhaps that was why it wasn't all that much of a surprise.
Her heart picked up its pace, threatening to leap from her chest.
He didn't wait for her to answer at least. "I guess-what I'm saying is-is that our connection means something. To me."
And then her heart soared. She dipped her chin, and her brows pinched together. "I almost gave up on Exogol. Leia asked me not to, for you. And a part of me wanted to be here, to help you. I still do."
"I'm glad that you didn't. I prefer it this way I think. Running as a fugitive with no clear destination. Definitely doesn't leave much time to think." He chuckled softly.
There was a moment of nothing, just a gentle exchange of understanding. A mutual happiness that tugged into the barest hint of a smile between them.
A puff of air blew through his nose despite it. "Snoke was watching me. Always. In the beginning before I even realized what was happening. Manipulating me and pulling me to the dark side." A tick worked itself in his jaw. "And I had everything. I had a family-"
"They abandoned you."
"I had friends, a future. Even still that wasn't enough." He finished lamely, his lips pressed together. "But you-you lost everything. You grew up on a wasteland with no idea who you were, with no clear future or a clear plan of tomorrow and yet you still clung to the light." He gave her a widened grin."You're too strong to ever fall to that temptation. You've had every reason and yet you were stronger-stronger than I ever was or could hope to be."
"But you turned back."
"With enough sacrifices to get there, and even still I can feel it. It holds a part of me, as it always will, but at least with you, I have a reason not to."
She mulled it over, her eyes darting down before looking up into his gentle expression once again. "I thought about what would happen if I took your hand in the throne room. I entertained that possibility, but I wanted you-to be with you as Ben."
And she smiled one final time, stepping the remaining distance through the doorway that would lead them back to the cockpit. "I just want you to know that our connection means something to me too."
