It left him with a feeling of suffocation.

To hold so much pain inside himself; to grasp at that anger and uncertainty and use it as a crutch to get him through all of the bad that ran rampant inside of his head. Things that made him see, made him think, and only because of his own weakness could he not get it to calm.

While it had changed him into something that he was never meant to be, and had transformed him into a person that he didn't recognize, even in the present he still couldn't let that part of himself go.

Instead, he held it tight against his chest. Channeling into that part was sometimes necessary, and if he wanted to hold onto the smallest sliver of light that Rey and his parents had given to him, he had to remind himself of what he could never afford to be again. He grasped tightly to every lesson, every decision, every failure and hoped.

He thought about it all the time.

Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.

It was the only way to become who he was meant to be, to crush his memories of rejection and hurt and usher it toward something else. Tell himself that everything that he'd found, he hadn't done so alone and if he were to lose that-lose her-he would surely lose all of the progress he'd made toward who he tried so hard to be. A fleeting memory tumbling back into the dark and dragging him down into what it believed was some inevitable destiny.

Alas, you're no Vader. Just a child in a mask.

So he'd destroyed that mask, and while he believed that Snoke's jabs had been intended to push him further to the dark side, it ushered his own emotional turmoil and split him more. Ben was a failure to the light and dark and so sitting precariously in between the two gave him something if also nothing at all.

And he'd failed the resistance, the Jedi Order, and the politics of it all. But he saw the truth in it-the imbalance-and that was enough for him to have confidence that not picking a side was the right decision. Ben Solo didn't belong, but that was at least his choice.

He could at least say there was a sense of calm that hadn't quite been there before. Only because for the last few days, he hadn't the chance to do anything but worry. Strangely, he wasn't sure what to do now that he wasn't.

It was strangely rejuvenating.

And standing on the loading dock watching Rey twirl around as if she had never seen rainfall left him with an equally warm feeling in the very center of his chest, a prickling sensation that made his chest heave when he breathed.

They had landed on a much smaller, secluded planet toward the inner rim. A wide river stretched out in the distance, outlined by grassy plains and waterfalls lining the horizon.

The Falcon was parked in the middle of a field. Ben looked up, holding out his hand as rain splashed against his bare palm. Strangely, he felt as if he was opening up a part of himself to the world removing his gloves to further himself from Kylo Ren.

He tried not to shy away from it.

Rey practically scampered through the fields, throwing herself into the brush and extending her hands out to the sky as if inviting an even heavier downpour. There was something oddly childlike about it, and in a way endearing. He was unable to hide the inevitable smile that creeped up his lips before taking the remaining distance down the ramp. "All of your traveling with the resistance and you're still not used to it?"

She whipped around, cheeks holding a soft flush but not out of any show of embarrassment. Instead, she grinned-one strangely innocent-before she turned her gaze up again, closing her eyes against the elements. "We've been on dry planets the last few weeks. It's refreshing not sweating through your clothes all the time."

Ben nodded in a mutual understanding, jerking his head toward an obscured path ahead. What had once likely been a bustling community had been resorted to nothing but grass and overgrown weeds. He wondered if they had retreated further back onto the planet to better hide, or if it had been too late for them to even try. "I want to show you something."

Rey cocked her head. "Show me what? You've been here before?"

"Not personally. I remember looking at the map layout when I was with the First Order. We sent Troopers down here once looking for the Resistance."

Her head swiveled around. "What's the planet called?"

Ben grimaced. "I don't know. They were just coordinates I crossed off a list."

She moved on with no comment, but the subtle disappointment that flitted across her features was impossible to miss. Maybe because that silent disappointment came from her-and for a long time since turning to the dark side, her opinion had been one of the only few that had mattered.

There was something oddly protective about the way she chose not to remark. Something delicate and rude as if aware of the fragility he carried around with him about his past and tried to pretend like every crime he committed was done by someone else entirely.

While they walked side by side, he spared a glance over to Rey's content expression, walking along with a slight skip in her step as if the last couple days hadn't happened-rather she only remembered the good things, excluding the fact that she was nearly killed in a tavern and expelled from the Resistance by the popular demand of her friends.

She didn't talk about Palpatine, or the terrors in her dreams. That overbearing light that he had such trouble looking into before was blinding again, showing not even an inkling of darkness that he'd caught the wariest glimpse of before. It settled something in him, an anxiety that he hadn't realized he'd felt until he simply didn't feel it anymore.

"What is it?"

His attention snapped back. "Hm?"

"You're thinking." She pointed out. "About something, but I can't see it."

He cleared his throat. "Just that I have a surprise to show you."

"I thought that you said you'd never been here before?"

"I saw it on the holomap."

"What is the surprise?" Her brows furrowed.

"That defeats the whole purpose of what a surprise is." He pointed out.

Rey made a small sound of frustration in the back of her throat, but didn't press. The curiosity was picking at her however, her facial expressions shifting with every possibility that came to mind, only to turn her head and look at him, cocking her head. "Is it a new saber?"

"No."

"Is it a new ship?"

"That would be pretty difficult without getting rid of the Falcon. And neither would be visible from a map."

Rey rolled her eyes. "I don't like surprises. That usually means I'm about to be in trouble."

"You'll like this one." The high grass dwindled as a hill sloped upward ahead of them with an array of wildflowers. Blue, purple and green all swaying underneath a gentle breeze. "Just over that hill." He pointed.

The dark clouds overhead were just beginning to disperse as they ascended, beams of light splitting through and casting its rays across the river-a wide winding thing snaking through the planet. There was only one bridge that connected the two stretches of land on either side, and while the mountains loomed in the distance, the sunlight offered a glistening effect over it all.

Rey gaped beside him, crouching down to take it all in. The trees that gave way to more grassland and the hill that they had climbed gave them the clearest viewpoint of it all. Being used to nothing but hot, sweltering heat, rock and sand, she looked as if she had never seen so much green in the entire world.

He had, only for it to be turned to flames and ash by the end of his excursions. For once, it felt good to just look, for there to be no other purpose than to simply enjoy it without thinking of routes for convenience or possible hiding holes and how much could be dissected from it for personal gain. How much could be destroyed and whether that would be an inconvenience for him later should he need it.

"It's beautiful out here." Rey remarked, casting her gaze up to the sun splitting through the clouds as the rain finally began to ease.

"It is."

"I like this surprise."

"I knew you would."

Without missing a beat, she carefully maneuvered down the other side toward the river. He trailed after, his boots more practiced in the rough terrain than Rey who clumsily slid down and struggled to catch her footing. It didn't act quite the same as sand, and no doubt it was steeper than the terrain on Luke's island, but she didn't complain.

Instead, when she reached the bottom, she snatched a canteen from her belt and snaked it through the water, taking a few quick gulps and going down for another drink, splashing her face before finally settling down onto the grass, knees bent at an angle, her arms draped over top.

Ben stood beside her, retrieving a stone from the bank, rolling it over in his palm before chucking it into the running water. It didn't skip, but with the current he wasn't necessarily expecting it to.

Long grassy vines leaned over the river, and a few birds drifted over the water-clear and fluid-chirping. "This area has been mostly left alone by the First Order. Nature ran its course over the last excursion and took back the area from when the order was last here."

Rey undid her saber from her belt and set it down in the grass along with her spear. "It would be a good place to settle. People probably did settle here before," Her gaze flicked to him before she quickly added. "But the river probably gets too high when it rains and they likely moved their settlement to higher ground."

Nice save.

His back had been turned to her initially, looking out over the surrounding area in all of its depths, anticipating what may have been waiting for them were they to trek out there. It wasn't likely anyone was looking for them now, most certainly not him, but he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling creeping down his spine that warned him against maintaining a semblance of calm.

"The water looks inviting." She mused gently. "Do you know how to swim?"

"Just enough not to drown."

He turned to acknowledge her words with a confused collection of his own, and he froze. Blood rushed to his face, and he suddenly stood rigid.

She was already removing her sandals and tossing them to the side, wriggling out of her tunic and her pants and leaving herself in just her bindings and underwear.

"Good enough." A tentative step onto the first rock, holding out her arms to keep from slipping, and then she was off and thigh-deep in the water, letting out a little shriek as her legs immersed fully. The current was already trying to pull her along, and when she took a few steps forward she began to paddle trying to stay in one spot.

But the image in his head was proving more difficult to ignore, willing it from his mind but it refused. The stark redness of his face only heightened and he hoped that she couldn't see it. He sucked in a sharp breath, turning slightly again and perched his hands on his hips.

"Ben?"

"Yeah?" His voice was at a slightly higher pitch as his chest heaved. He cleared his throat.

"Come on."

With a defeated sigh-and being careful not to look too far-he crouched down next to the bank, Rey splashing somewhere just outside of his peripherals next to him as he willed himself to ignore it. To think about something else. Anything else. He reached a hand out and touched the water, felt the coolness beneath his hand, flexed his fingers in it.

It did feel good.

He kicked off his boots and rolled up his pants to dip his feet in it, discarded his shirt to the bank beside him-nothing she hadn't seen before considering she'd accidentally seen everything. He leaned over to press his face into his hands, rub up and down, hands snaking back into his hair and pressing against the nape of his neck.

"I'll tell you next time I want to go for a swim so you can avert your eyes. Force forbid I offend you."

When he looked up, there was no hint of malice or general offense on Rey's face, just a gentle playfulness. He gave her a soft glare that only made her laugh. "I think that we should follow the coastline along, get across the river and then head down. There might be something around there." She went on.

He was still on the grass when he turned to look at her. Just look. Her features soft shadows, her eyes that glinted and lit up when she smiled, her soft laugh that rang in his ears. He looked at her and there were a lot of possibilities that he could say. An unspoken question constantly lingering between them and flickering in and out of existence when it happened to be most convenient.

But it was also an apology, an excuse, a generic saying that it wasn't her but him and that it never could or would be her and while he did need this, whatever this was, he didn't want to ruin it. That didn't mean that he didn't want to try, but that was the only time that he could say that he was actually scared of something.

But he was always better with actions than words anyway.

The breeze was cold on his bare skin, but he moved into the water until he couldn't touch the bottom anymore anyway. Weightless in the clear current, briefly suspended and completely submerged. Oddly, it was like some sort of cleanse.

If something could cleanse him of everything. He'd seen bad, done bad and had plenty of bad done to him and for a long time, he was the outright definition of everything bad. Now he was nobody and nothing with an almost fresh, clean slate and an undying hope that he wouldn't ruin everything again.

He could actually fix things.

Not everything, but some things.

There was a little distance, and they were still working their way gradually toward each other. If they rushed, it wouldn't ruin it-ruin them, but it wouldn't be as satisfying in the end. Not as satisfying as he wanted it to be.

Later, he figured he'd think about how it felt to be aware of everything in the current moment and he'll pass it off as some kind of weird dream. Being confident. Unafraid. Ready. There was fear, but also acceptance.

His hand found hers under the water, or maybe it was hers that found his. When they broke the surface together and they found a spot where they could touch without being swept away, she draped her arms over his shoulders with a noticeable bit of distance between them. Droplets hung off of strands of her hair like a beaded curtain, her face flushed and a smile splitting wide across her cheeks.

Ben's palms settled shakily over her hips-and she sucked in a breath deep and ragged, his trembling fingers brushing against her bare skin. His heart leaped into his throat as she grew closer and while he waited for the cold, a particular heat flushed between them instead, their Dyad crackling with a ferocity as they drew closer, the thread between them drawn in tight and seemingly getting shorter.

He stared at her, blinked the water from his eyes. Exogol had changed something between them, and now it became startlingly apparent what exactly that was. They were heightened, a more permanent and forceful connection, one that left little room to simply drift apart lest they somehow in some way be dragged back together.

And she'd held his hand underneath the water where that something seemed to change. Where they went under and came back up and who they were suddenly became more clear. Rather, it became more clear that this, what this was actually could be.

Kylo Ren had been insistent that he would destroy her.

Ben Solo wanted to be there to pick up the pieces. To help her come out stronger than whatever lay ahead. He denied it at every step, insisted that he couldn't, that there wasn't time, that there was more ahead they simply weren't ready for.

If the Dyad had allowed it, why couldn't he? Some strange cruelty when the Dyad promised them mercy? They both deserved a little mercy, he thought.

It was complicated. It made him dizzy to the extent that he had to close his eyes. It wasn't how Ben Solo's life was supposed to be, and most certainly not Kylo Ren's. He likely should have rallied against destiny and its sick sense of humor, could have insisted that he would take what was given to him and whatever lay beyond that could never happen and somehow in some way whatever he ended up with even if it was neither wanted nor needed would somehow be a better alternative.

But this… she was so much better.

And it scared him.

Rey's fingers gingerly reached up and tucked a wet strand of hair behind his ear, her hand lingered just beside his cheek, eyes flickering over his face for what felt like an eternity as he grasped for the thoughts that passed through their thread.

I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand.

Rey. I want you to join me.

For a short moment, neither said anything.

The sun seemed to move and the shadows that cast across the ground grew larger. It still touched her, gave it the slightest bit of a glow and her brown eyes seemed brighter, more free. Content.

Content with him. Content with what was currently happening.

Ben kissed the palm of her hand, pulled it away from his face to rest against his rapid heartbeat and leaned down to press his forehead to her own, thumbs sweeping across the ridges of her collarbones to linger down by her hands again. Her skin was icy but somehow also heated at the same time.

Her nails gently grazed the length of his chest and he shivered, her hand finding his under the water, their fingers intertwining.

When she leaned up to meet him, her mouth was against his, her lips pushing his further apart. She was not shy about it, there was no hesitance, not now. There was a force-although not the Force-rather there was insistence, hunger and it left him too dumbfounded to do anything except feel it.

He didn't pull away, didn't seize up. He laid his hand against the corner of her jaw, his thumb against her cheek and angling her so that he could kiss her deeper. Low heat pulsed through him, and he gently sighed against her lips.

No guilt, and no fear even if he should be scared.

Only because it was an unfamiliar territory he had maneuvered in only once before in a dark unsure path. He pulled back for a second-enough to draw in a breath and catch a glimpse of her wide, bright eyes. A part of him wanted to keep that resistance, maintain his distance. He felt like he should have, should have let whatever this is constantly lingering between them go.

"Rey-"

"Be quiet, Ben." Rey whispered and tugged him down again.

He snorted, and it was a little dry and exasperated but he didn't put up as much of a fight this time. Never had. She pressed closer to him and he realized how well they fit together before, how well they fit together now. How well they always had.

Rey felt right.

His breathing was slow and steady to fight the thoughts creeping up on him, keep his mind from betraying him and telling him that this wasn't okay and he really wished it wouldn't even try. He wanted to set that quiet longing part of himself free, to find the light in his darkness that would let him have this. Rey found part of it, and he only wanted desperately to find the rest.

And he wanted so much for Rey to show it to him..

He touched her with purpose and meaning, slow and deliberate strokes up the length of her arms, her shoulders, her hips, one hand dropping to the small of her back and closing what little bit of distance between them lingered still. When he lifted his head to look into her eyes, he could see the confusion, the fear and the understanding as she lifted her hands from his chest and slid them up to his arms, his shoulders, his neck, cupped his face in her hands.

Ben wanted to speak but words wouldn't come, couldn't make themselves known between them. Not because he had nothing to say, but because he didn't want to ruin this, ruin them. He brought his hand to her face instead, snaked his fingers back into her wet hair, palm against her cheek and his thumb skimming across her lips before he kissed her again.

He did love her. And that seemed like the beginning and end of everything.


Author's Note: Hey guys!

I know it has been a while since my last update (going on two months actually) and I apologize seeing as I had been very efficient at updating weekly. I had trouble figuring out how to go about writing the next few chapters, and after a couple of weeks with constantly deleting and rewriting things, I decided to take a step back from it for a while and let it rest before I burnt myself out on it.

So I wrote some other things (one fic I'm working on that I'm actually very excited about) did some other things, and gave it a little while to see if maybe taking a break would be enough to push the gears back into motion so to speak. I wasn't getting anywhere and I was getting very discouraged about the fic as a whole, meaning I was looking at the chapters I had already written and contemplated that my lack of ideas and motivation originated from some of the other chapters falling short somewhere, so I contemplated redoing them. I started rewriting the whole thing, edited some chapters, realized the thing was coming on 300 pages and realized I was not motivated to redo everything.

So I sat back and looked at it, and I came to the realization that I adore it. I have the whole thing mapped from start to finish with room for some extra chapters put in there, and it is probably the only piece of writing I have done that I have mapped out and planned in all of its complicated entirety. So, why mess up what I've already built when I could keep going with what I've already got? The support from everyone has been amazing and I have appreciated every single comment/review, follow, favorite, etc etc etc. Seriously, it's been amazing!

After my two month hiatus, I decided that I was going to sit down and just work on it. Chapter be damned if I have to constantly retype or rework or edit it fifty million times until its right! And so I finished it today and it is here and it is updated and I am (mostly) back on track with where I need to be! 3 So I hope that you guys enjoy it and I hope that you continue to enjoy it from start to finish as I promise that it will eventually be finished, and hopefully there will not in the future be another super long hiatus. Bonus points is that I managed to get a lot of pieces of other chapters typed out and managed to map in some new plot points and stuff so there was a plus side to it all I guess. XD

Other Note: I hope everyone is doing okay out there with everything going on in the world. Stay strong and don't forget to help each other out until all of this chaos is over! I hope everyone has a lovely day today! 3 :)