It became a game of who would talk first.
Ben had been waiting for her, and somehow that made finding any words to express their current situation nigh to impossible-made more impossible by the simple fact that he had yet to put on a shirt, seeming none too bothered by the blustery wind that blew through the fields and Rey only hoped that it wasn't because the potential fragility of the subject was somehow keeping him warm.
"Could you…" She threw a vague hand gesture over his bare chest, turning her gaze away lest she be entranced by a view she had seen many times before. Not that she would ever grow tired of seeing it. "Do you have a shirt or maybe a cowl that you could put on?"
"You're not coming." He concluded, and when she didn't provide an answer, he turned his head with a disbelieving scoff.
That only made her feel worse.
The faces of the Force Sensitive children swam to the very forefront of her mind. She remembered being that young, knowing something had lied dormant inside of her but having no one to help acknowledge or tell her what to do with it. She'd been lost for a long time, and concluded then that she didn't want anyone else-let alone children-to follow her example.
Rey couldn't stay, but she couldn't leave them. Not yet. The thought lurched her insides but this time she had to resist the natural inclination to grab his hand. It was a weak and futile attempt to veil thoughts and emotions that he'd already seen, thoughts that probably only made him angrier because he was right.
When he'd first seen her, a spark of relief had ignited in him now that where they stood had been private-mostly private-a look of relief taking to his face until he'd seen her own expression in comparison. Once a place for them to simply be, and talk without worry of who may have been listening or why. A place of no judgement, no harm, and a place for their Dyad to surge.
The complete opposite of what was happening now.
Except that their Dyad did tug at her, beckoning her to draw closer much faster and reach out to him.
Just as quickly as she'd felt it, it'd been snuffed out. He maintained a few feet of space between them, his thumbs and index fingers rubbing together at his sides. The revelation had hit him hard-both of them-and it was enough to make him retreat further, his expression twisting into one of confusion, of hurt and betrayal.
"You're going back to the Resistance?"
Rey should have expected it. Their lives had taken them down two completely different paths, so much further away from the other and in a place neither would be able to reach unless they lost some part of themselves. Ben had lost a part of himself to return home with her, an entire life that he had made in order to cope with his newfound power.
He'd let it go, had given it up to bring her back to him on Exogol, but now he was forced with the choice of letting her go too. At least that was his choice to make. "Why?"
Kylo Ren had begged her once to let the past die. Rey had heard the weight of the memory stir itself alive within her mind as he unfurled his disbelief and hurt to her. She felt it quake across the Force, a promise of intent so very cold and definite, it tugged her back to a time so far removed from when Ben had not been Ben, but something much darker and more volatile. He begged her now in his own unspoken away.
Don't go.
"Finn asked for my help. There are things that I still need to do before we can go to Naboo," she began helplessly trying to formulate a good enough reason into words. The weight of her heart hammered like lead in her chest, the thing they shared-their Dyad-demanded closure of the space between, but he wouldn't have it. She couldn't bear his rejection even if she deserved it.
And by the stars did she deserve it.
"We've saved Force Sensitive orphans. We can house them back on base, and I can train them to hone their abilities. There could be a new generation of Jedi properly guided- She was rambling, but it came out of waves of desperation aching for him to understand. This wasn't forever. It was only right now. The idea of their separation cleaved her in two, especially if she would be leaving Ben to face things on his own, but this other matter was larger than even her.
And all she could return to again and again was recalling how often she felt like a nobody: misplaced and forgotten, surviving by the skin of her existence with a latent power that simmered through her veins. "It won't be long." She promised. "I'll come for you, Ben," she swore it with every single part of her down to the smallest atom. Her throat ached with the strain of unbidden tears, hands reaching for him to get that degree of physical connection to root that sincerity in him. Wherever he would go, she would follow.
Just not yet.
Not while she had the opportunity to make something right. How could she turn her back on the Force's calling and shut it out as Luke had?
"A new generation of Jedi?" Ben practically spit the words out, recoiling from her touch to stand so much farther back, separated from her, looking at her with contempt and distrust. "Have you learned nothing from Snoke, from Palpatine, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker?" He actually laughed, an incredulous half-hearted laugh that breathed the ridiculousness of the subject between them, as if he couldn't believe that she could be so foolish.
Trembling fingers ran through his hair in frustration, tousling it in a way that made her heart leap. She frowned at him.
He was playing dirty.
He was turning on her, his words lashing out with every bit of aggression as he could muster, his brows pinched together as the Force trembled around them with a ferocity. It shuddered and quaked, Ben throwing a hand to the side to further iterate his point. "The only thing you'll be accomplishing is making more threats! A new threat to the galaxy, Rey!" The weight of his own words hit him just as hard, not just that she was willingly reigniting a new Jedi Order when the war was finally over, but that she was turning her word on him to do such.
"I won't be." She reassured him, her eyes widening at the sudden hostility in his tone. "I can show you. Just let me try!"
"I told you to let the old ways die. Everything. I told you to kill it, and you might think that you can properly guide them, but you can't."
Rey's expression dropped, her heart plummeting into the bottom of her stomach.
He was still going before she had any time to make up an excuse, pointing his fingers directly at his own chest to further iterate his words. "My own parents couldn't control me. The Skywalker bloodline couldn't control me. I fell to the dark side of the Force even with their influence. Sometimes you just can't." The outage in his voice was clear, raw and unspoken anger that he lashed out at her now. Every ounce of betrayal, of hurt, of disbelief echoed across the field and settled around them in one tense, heated wave.
The darkness was already in you, Ben. Your parents betrayed you, Luke Skywalker betrayed you.
But she couldn't say that. Couldn't will herself to repeat what she knew to be the truth. He'd been manipulated by Snoke, his family had feared him and offered no support. Luke Skywalker's solution was to kill him. Rey wouldn't make that mistake.
"I will guide them just like the old ways. I can help them find light just how the Jedi Order did so many years ago."
"The Jedi are failures. They're a dogmatic, pious cult with stubbornness and arrogance as their established power structure." A visible tremor in his limbs betrayed any semblance of calm, not that he was trying to hide anything from her now. His mind was wide open. "The Force doesn't belong to the Jedi. Strip away their myth and they're failures. They allowed Darth Sidious to rise, create the empire, and wipe them out. It was a Jedi master who was responsible for the training and creation of my grandfather. They turned children into obedient soldiers just like the First Order."
Rey shook her head. It was not difficult to read the stubborn determination on her face, the unwillingness to abide by a simple no. The voice of reason stood unperturbed by the voice of reason. "He was misguided. He was influenced by the dark side just as you were."
"You're promising a future downfall for the Resistance, and I will not be a part of that." The hand that he had extended before was closed, now a metaphorical fist as every wall was put up to protect him. From her. All of his memories of manipulation came crashing back to her so fast, countless downfalls of many Jedi from previous Force users. A repetitive process, running in one circular motion before imploding on itself.
Ben believed she had known that. He thought that she would know better than anyone. Curse him for thinking that he could be right about something.
He both walled himself off from her and let her feel the brunt of his ire at the same time. It blunted against the softness of her vulnerability, slitting uselessly against her defenses as he let his anger consume him. Despite it, all of his words spoke to a logic that she rejected. "No-" She argued, biting back against the rising panic and the welling of tears in her throat. "No! We will be giving them the tools they need to hone their emotions so those kinds of threats don't happen!"
A futile attempt to mostly convince herself, to convince him as she pressed. "Doing nothing and leaving those children behind in the conditions they were in, it would only create something monstrous out of them!" A memory tugged at her awareness, her own voice resounding viciously inside of her mind, echoing like a phantom of years long passed.
You are a monster!
The acceptance in his eyes, the weary expression belonging to Kylo Ren bleeding through it and into their current reality. A mask layered atop another mask. Her-on Ahch-To, so young and naive, hopeful still and full of unfounded arrogance. Him-on the Starship separated by parsecs but unnervingly close in every way. Even then.
They had both grown in completely different lifestyles and yet had taken opposite paths. There was a way that she could influence them, using herself and Ben as an example. She had pulled Ben to a light path, and she knew with enough effort, she could do the same for the children.
And keep them there.
Ben had tried to convince her again and again. She shook her head, frayed and loose tendrils of hair brushing against her neck. "Please, Ben." She begged for reprieve from his anger and dared another step closer to make up the distance he'd withdrawn from. The aura of his wrath permeated her own, spiking with recognition as if her very tainted blood understood the darkness that still stirred within Ben Solo-the darkness that she had been so adamant had been buried.
Whatever she offered him, whatever they were or tried to be, it wasn't enough. The very Force seemed to quiver in their peripherals, attempting to contain the raw emotions festering between them. It demanded balance, always. "If I can overcome it-being who-who I am, they are deserving if being given an opportunity, not to be left behind where the dark side would surely consume them," she heaved a breath as if touching on the rare subject of her lineage was exhausting enough already. Her lashes fluttered, gaze lowering to avoid his as she searched the space between them for answers.
Rey only wished for Leia's hope, Luke's guidance, or even Han's ability to swindle a moment's comfort. Instead, she was met with a resounding hollowness that carved out her chest and filled it with an ache that had become all too familiar. Anger and anxiety mingled in a miasma that threatened to choke her.
He was going to leave, and she was going to let him and they would both be alone again.
"To hone their emotions?!" Ben spat. "Light and dark create a balance and you really think that teaching them pure light will keep them out of the temptation of the dark side? By simply manipulating their emotions?"
Every muscle anticipated an old temptation begging for release.
"It will not be manipulation, but I can guide them on the right path!" She reasoned. "I will help them just as I did for you."
The grass that swayed at their feet whipped against their legs, a quiet splitting sound scarcely heard. "You're so adamant to make the same mistakes that they all did! The reason that they all fell was because they weren't taught to equally hone the other side. They dismissed the dark side!" It only urged him back further, taking her pleading with an indignant scoff of his own.
His fists clenched at his sides in a white knuckled grip, hardened gaze sweeping over her only to shake his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, blinking what she believed to be tears away that threatened to come through. "You're a damn fool, Rey. And clearly I've made a mistake in trusting you."
One quick push through the Force shuffled her back, whipping weeds that blew the opposite direction of the wind with it.
"What is wrong with you?" Rey's lip curled back, looking into his eyes that were so dark in that moment, eyes that held not a single ounce of warmth that she had familiarized herself with the last few weeks. There was only raw hunger, an aching underneath his rigid form that begged him to lash out as he would have before, to destroy everything in sight in order to cope with his emotions, rid his body of some of his pent up energy that only added to his frustrations.
His lips cocked back into a half-smile, no joy. Nothing but hurt. His eyelashes fluttered, turning his head up with an exhausted sigh. "That is," he ground his teeth, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants. "That is funny coming from you."
"I do not understand."
"Do you honestly believe that after everything that's happened, I would just leave you alone?" One hand perched on his hip, the other raking through his hair again, unruly with the aggressive breeze. It wasn't doing hers any favors either. "Let you go do whatever idiotic plan that you've happened to come up with on the spot?"
"I don't have to explain to you about why this would be beneficial. It would mean less lives lost to the Resistance, we would have the numbers to stand up against-" She caught herself, thinking back to the advice that Finn had given her when she was leaving the mouth of the overhang to find Ben.
Do not tell Ben about the New Order. When prompted why, he only reminded her as to how he was, about how he would take it-not well was the assumption-how he might go back even if to pull Hux from power, delve back into the dark side, take back over… That and it would not help her convince him as to why her plan was a good idea, considering he would most certainly remark about how history would inevitably repeat itself. Again. And again.
And she could deal with it. Ben didn't have to be involved.
"It's less Resistance lives, fine, but what about the children in the future? How about when one of them strays from your teachings and kills the rest of them because you taught them how to be soft? Are you going to be like Snoke and make a promise of a brighter future, or Luke and reassure them that there is always a balance and the scale never tips. That balancing a precariously uneven scale is unnecessary. What about Palpatine. Are you going to tell them that family lineage doesn't matter and they can do things if they just put their mind to it?" It sounded more elementary when put in that way. "It's a plan that's doomed to fail."
"It's not." The shrug that she offered only added to her meek defense, her head snapping to look at him with a glare, the beginning lines of a scowl etching itself into her features.
Ben ran a hand down his face, balancing all of his weight on one side. He was struggling to maintain his composure, a tense hush falling between them as he caught his breath. Taking on a barely recognizable posture, one that no longer bled strength or security, but anger, a hard line formed in his mouth, and he'd moved to ruthless indictment instead.
His teeth snapped together as he yelled, startling her with his newfound proximity as he abruptly closed the space between them, pointing a finger directly at her, downright accusatory, blaming. "Snoke, Luke, Palpatine-You are all of the bad things about all of these people!"
Their faces were only a few inches apart, Rey squeezing her eyes shut as he continued to rant. "I didn't even want to come back to the resistance but you asked me to," he threw a hand up, a frustrated huff heaving in his chest. "We left and I've been going through all of this shit to make sure that everything turned out okay-for you, for us-and you're leaving it behind because they asked you to?"
Ben had tried really hard, but she didn't deem it as being nothing to her. Nor was she choosing to leave any of it behind and pretend it hadn't happened. "I'm not anything like them." She protested, the thread snapping taught between them, crackling with a fiery intensity as the weeds between them whipped harder, the water running so much louder and so much more profound. In the distance thunder rumbled as a creature cawed with a newfound uncertainty.
"Yes, you are! Because they all took steps that you are taking that inevitably turned people into obedient soldiers-kids to die to save your Resistance friends! You're following old teachings, not your own. Was there even a point to all of this? The Resistance turns up asking for your help and you drop everything?" His brows furrowed. "Is that what you want?" His hair frayed into a disheveled mess, briefly obscuring his eyes, his face a burning red, veins protruding.
Rey threw her hands up. "I don't know." She answered helplessly, beginning to burn out from continuously trying to validate herself to him. Her eyes finally dropped from his.
"What do you want?"
"It's not as simple as that."
"Except it is!" He inhaled sharply. "Forget about the Jedi, forget about the Resistance, forget about me. What do you want?" He loomed above her, standing so impossibly tall and menacing in a way that offered comfort, but also didn't.
She shook her head, grasping for an answer that he would accept through blind rage, but she found nothing.
Ben scoffed. "You do whatever anyone asks you to do, and what happens when someone asks for something else? Are you going to abandon that too? When does it end?"
This wasn't Ben, his anger getting the better of him, making him lash out at her. Albeit there being some truth in what he said, she knew that if he were thinking clearly, he would understand, or if he didn't, at least offer some other solution. "I will come back for you in a few weeks, I promise you-"
"No, you're not. They will say whatever they have to. I'm not going back to act as their prisoner so that they can feel superior. Never again."
Rey narrowed her eyes. "They told me that you were destined to be a carbon copy of Darth Vader, that there was no light left in you, that you were beyond redemption. I defended you." She then pointed fingers at herself, a crease forming in her forehead as she leaned forward. "I saved you."
"If you go this way, you're going to end up on the same path." The thread was demanding, lightning streaking across the sky somewhere in the distance with an oncoming storm. It seemed to intensify their rage, having to yell to be heard above the elements around them.
The thread crackled, sparked with demanding insistence, the energy under both of their fingers growing with their heated argument. "You and I both know that you chose this. You wanted to come out here with me until you didn't and now you're using me-"
"I am not using you!" She snapped back.
The thread strung taught, vibrated.
"You are and now you're blaming me. You used to always tell me that I was wrong, and that I could be so much better and yet you're going back to follow the same example of all of those wrong choices!" Somberness leaked into his eyes, then suddenly hardened and trapped his morality inside through a reddening complexion.
"You tried to destroy the galaxy." Rey reminded him, unable to control the trembling of her own limbs, clenching her trembling fingers, her nails digging into her palms. "You wanted to wipe out the Jedi, the Resistance. You have to give them time. It was not just them who was upset by the actions of you-Kylo Ren."
"You shouldn't be upset by what I did, you should be upset that I actually managed to see through all of the bullshit." Ben drew in a shuddering breath, speaking through pure desperation as he fought back against the tears blurring the edges of his vision.
Once the first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. "I wanted to do so much more and I didn't. And I loved you and I didn't want to lose you, but I didn't want to lose myself to your side where you're still living a fantasy."
If she didn't know any better, she'd almost imagine him crumpling beneath her with the force of a person vomiting on all fours. But she shoved aside the confession, ignored the sudden jerk of her heart lest she give in and change what was already set in stone. No, she wouldn't abandon them. They would not live as she had.
"You saw through all of the bullshit because your parents gave their lives to get you out of it." She countered.
The thread twanged, Ben standing so incredibly still as if she had just punched him in the face. There was no going back now. She'd drawn first blood and she didn't wait for him to reply, rather shouldered through. "I have to do this. If you're not willing to follow me, then there is nothing that I can do. I wanted to be with you. I tried to get you to turn and I did, but I need to do this before I can move on. I won't leave them to do this on their own."
Ben shook his head dismissively, turning to avoid looking at her, one hand cupped over his mouth. "Every day that I wake up, I keep waiting for you to fall to the dark side. If I could guarantee that you would be okay, I would take it back for you. I'd let Kylo Ren in and damn the whole galaxy if I could, but I can't." He sniffed, his lips and his eyes raw and puffy. His voice gradually rose to a higher pitch through every bated breath and honest word.
"That isn't going to happen." She promised, and her heart did ache for him, but even as an apology bubbled at the back of her throat, begging for release, she fought it back down, shedding some unbidden tears of her own that she wiped on her sleeve. Strained and her voice shaking, she said, "We talked about this. I don't feel the dark side like you do."
"Tell that to your friends when you see them. Ask if any of them inhaled any dust from your last trip." The statement came out with a better sense of calm, though hoarse from keeping the majority of his tears at bay and he hadn't the breath to get the words out correctly, blinking furiously before he turned his back on her.
"Ben-"
"Leave." He demanded, his lips shuddering as a tattered breath slipped through. "Go."
He was the one who shuffled away, snuffing every bit of remorse from his being and leaving her in the cold to stare at his back with not so much as a goodbye or a promise that they would see each other again.
It was a tender moment, one that left a flitting anger in her heart and a tugging on their thread.
That was the first time that she'd ever felt it snap.
