I'm a coward.
I really am.
As soon as that thing crumbled away, my first action should have been to survey the house for other survivors. What if my ears had deceived me, and some of the others still had pulse or heat? What if they were still breathing, needing a doctor for their injuries? At least if I checked I could be sure...
But I didn't.
I left the children in the house. The minute the demon dissipated, I grabbed Sayo. From what I heard, the blow it landed on her wasn't as deep as the others. She was still warm, and the pulse on her throat vibrated feebly under my blood-crusted finger. As soon as her heartbeat made itself aware, I ran.
Left the others to rot.
If they still were clinging to life, flies and maggots would take them soon. Somehow, perhaps I had condemned them to a worse fate.
Idiot, idiot, why didn't you go out to look for Kaigaku? I knew there was something wrong when I couldn't hear him around the house. So why did you trust them? You're stupid. Stupid and useless and I hate you, if you only looked for him we'd be fine, if you only could see, you'd make that decision to look for him, if only you could see.
None of this would happen.
The woods have tough paths, but through habit I've managed to traverse them through remembering landmarks, travel time, direction...even in the heavy rain that's drowning out most sounds by railing against the earth.
I stop to hoist Sayo more securely on my back. She's limp and unmoving but not stiff. Her warm blood from her clothes into the collar of my shirt. It only scratched the arm, but for such a small kid even a cut there can kill her. Doctor...the doctor's half an hour away. Run faster..FASTER GODAMMIT.
"You're ok Sayo, sensei will make sure you're ok. I promised you'd never get hurt and you never will. Just stay...come on, please fight. Please...fight..."
I have to stop talking. It hurts to breath. Lately I've been short of breath, but I have to push through it. Even if I die of exhaustion at our destination, I have to get her help on time. No, not "have to", I need to correct that. I am going to. For all the idiocy everyone including me has committed today, I will not let anyone else die under my watch.
The pangs of anger, guilt subside to make for flashes of our past. One day she brought me a dandelion, and it plays again and again like some broken film reel while the aroma of that flower assaults my nostrils, its saccharine making my stomach churn. But at least it helps me run. If I keep up this current pace, Sayo might still have a fighting chance. After all, her unusually persistent pulse is still keeping her body warm and alive. Perhaps she is just extremely lucky or blessed with oustanding health for such a little kid.
Then through the murkiness of water, there's another scent replacing the dandelion. This one is blood. I stop and inhale to clear my head. Definitely, it's blood. Even the heavy wafts of rain and wet earth can't obscure it. I move Sayo into my arms to check her pulse. She's still stable. What if the demon had attacked another on its way here? Sayo's still alright so it might not hurt to investigate. I walk over to the source of the smell. My hands find their way over to a small body on the ground. A...child?
Upon further rummaging, my stomach flips as they feel the smoothness of an all-to-familiar pendant. I force myself to not retch.
"Kai..."
He's warm with a pulse but...also let it in.
"He tried to kill all of you." The voice in my head says.
"But he's our child." Another snaps back.
Kai did indeed put out the incense which left the rest of us to die. He was never disobedient or unhappy at home, so I did not expect that to happen at all. Then again, after last night other than Sayo's innocence I didn't know what else to believe in. Kaigaku is a turncoat. Everyone else is a liar. I'm supposed to be the responsible adult but bought the story of a bunch of dumb kids.
"How do we know we can trust him? Or anyone other than Sayo? We can't even trust ourselves now. What if he turns on us and kills us and her?"
"LOOK WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME. SAYO WILL DIE IF WE STAY HERE. WHAT WILL YOU DO?"
The "what will you do" booms at me like cannons in the background of an orchestra stuck in a warzone. The last time it called me, the demon bore into the throats of Mirai, Kokuji, and Takeo, all because I didn't go to pull them back behind me or muster up the air to scream. The longer I remain still, the larger it vibrates, drowning out the rush of the rain and pulsing against my head until, to quiet it, I act.
Kai may have put out the incense, but I really don't want anyone else to die today.
We take Kai with us...after he and Sayo get help, I have to make sure she stays safe. I'll even leave her with a good family if it's needed. Then-then maybe I can leave with Kai, just the two of us so that if he decides to hurt someone again, I'll be the only one on the receiving end.
I'll deserve it anyways.
