I'm sorry it's difficult for me to reply to everyone individually, but thank you, thank you for your reviews !
Crystal, just to make it clear, the poison has no influence on Varian's behavior (except for the fatigue and all). His memories are back, and they are making a big mess in his head. There is a reason for his reaction to Elora and Ruddiger, wait and see !
L, thank you for your Star Wars parallel, it is so true. Slowly, Varian will go back from steps 4 to 1, but with all that happened (and still happens in his head), there is a long way to go.
I'm going to have a few days' break, so I may not be able to update within the next few days (but I'll be back !). Hope the long chapter makes up for it. Emotional pain is hard to write ! Take care, all, and please continue to share your thoughts !
Chapter 30
Varian opened his eyes and saw the Queen sitting at his bedside. She wasn't smiling down at him. That was new.
"Glad you're awake, Varian", she said sternly, her tone not quite matching her words. "If you would please sit up, it is high time you ate something."
She didn't sound absolutely mad at him, but her body language and the controlled irritation in her voice were a clear indication that it was a wrong time to mess with her right now.
Indeed, the Queen was having a hard time keeping her self-control. Not only had Varian got up and sneaked out of his room, but he also lashed out at Elora and Ruddiger.
Yet, Arianna knew that being mad at Varian would only result at him crawling back into his shell, and become this angry, defiant boy who was her keeper in his lab. This was definitely not the way to make him listen – and talk.
Plus, the boy had a very, very empty stomach, after being forced to throw up all its content the day before to get rid of the poison. No wonder he passed out in the hallway during his outburst. Before leaving his patient to get his own rest, Remyus confided to the Queen how baffled he was that Varian was able to get up at all. He never thought the kid would be in condition to go anywhere.
Varian was a very sensitive boy who was intuitively capable of feeling what other people need or expect from him. And from what he could perceive from the Queen, she sounded very capable of getting the funnel at once and shoving it down his throat herself. Silently, he shuffled on his bed to sit up. This time, Arianna let him manage by himself. Her cold gaze on him started to freak him out.
Arianna kept her mouth shut as she took a bowl from the nightstand and started to scoop up some soup for him.
Varian realized how hungry he actually was with every spoonful, and they wouldn't come fast enough to his liking, Arianna making sure that he had time to swallow before the next one. He had to hold himself back or he would have grabbed the bowl and drunk up all its content. The soup was all gone too soon anyway, and if he didn't know better, Varian would have asked for more. But, first, he could feel he couldn't overload his stomach. Second, he was too anxious about the discussion he knew was coming up to say a word.
It came swiftly and abruptly.
"Now," Arianna began as she set the bowl and the spoon aside, "I want you to tell me what happened earlier in the hallway. And you know exactly what I'm talking about, Varian."
She was poised – as a Queen should be, and Varian shrank as he felt he was about to get a lecture like a small child. His features tensed even more as he remembered Elora's panicked face and Ruddiger's scared eyes. He turned his head away, his jaw set and teeth gritted, blatantly refusing any kind of communication.
Arianna sighed. She had run across Elora on her way to visit Varian after she woke up, and had spent almost an hour trying to calm her down. The little girl managed to explain between sobs what happened with Varian. She also told how the whole ordeal woke up Remyus who arrived only to watch Varian crumple to the floor and how he then took him back to bed to tend to him.
"Varian", he heard her, "I know that you now remember all that happened during those past few months. I'm sorry your memories had to be back the way it happened, and I'm sorry that we let the person who wanted to hurt you get to you."
Hurt me ? Call it as it was, please, Your Majesty, he wanted to kill me. But, well, you know, no sweat, he thought to himself with bitterness and irony. But still, he didn't move an inch to turn around and meet her gaze. Knitting his eyebrows together even if she couldn't see his face, he kept staring at the wall.
"And…I know you are angry at us, at Corona and at our family, but this is not the point right now. The point is, Varian, you can shout at me, and yell at me, and lash out at me all your heart's content, I am ready to hear your words of hate. But you cannot, absolutely cannot do so to the young girl who wants nothing more but be your friend."
Varian scoffed at her words but said nothing, building walls around his heart. He too, only wanted to be friends with Eugene, Cassandra and Rapunzel. He thought they could be friends and that he could count on them. That they wouldn't turn their back on him when he needed help.
"Varian, will you please share with me why you were so angry at Elora and Ruddiger ?" Arianna ventured one last time.
Arianna kept her eyes on the teenager and gave him a few seconds, hoping he would eventually be ready to open up to her. Varian hated how he could feel her gaze upon him and how it made him uncomfortable. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them with his arm. He was definitely back in his shell, physically and mentally. Arianna was at a loss what to do, and her own frustration grew with Varian's mutism.
"Very well", she said in a tone that was as neutral as she could. "I will leave you to think about it while I go wash the dishes."
She stood up, picked the bowl and spoon, and turned her heels without another word.
In their respective contained anger, neither Arianna nor Varian noticed that Ruddiger was missing.
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The metal bowl and spoon clanked loudly against each other as Arianna set them a little too roughly in the sink in Remyus's main room. She stayed still for a moment, upset inside. Shortly afterwards, she broke down and quickly covered her mouth to stifle a sob.
Right now, dealing with injuries, memory loss or even some deadly poison seemed so much easier than this. She had, in her opinion, barely prodded the boy and the result was a disaster. He was so stubborn, and so reckless! How could she help him if he didn't let her ? How to encourage him to talk ? She was never taught how to make a defiant teenager listen to reason. She had no idea how to deal with him anymore.
Her mind reeled over the past events. Arianna was deeply shaken by the what-ifs that stumbled into her thoughts. What if Varian had escaped ? What if he had attacked Remyus in his sleep ? She had a responsibility in this, and Varian could have hurt himself, but also other people. She had even considered using the shackles on Varian again, and felt sick to her stomach with guilt, torn between her hate for cuffs and the safety they provide – the safety she should provide.
She also felt guilty for being so cold towards him, but she had to show him that his attitude could not be tolerated. If anything, the boy needed limits. He had been on his own for far too long, and it took him down the wrong path. As much as she hated to play that part, she had to be strict with him, or he would end up in a cell again. They were lucky so far that Fredric didn't find out what happened, since he was busy with royal duties first thing in the morning.
"Okay, just breathe, Arianna", she said to herself. This didn't add up and she needed to understand. That he was upset with her or the King, or Rapunzel, she could understand. She knew the story. But why would he reject sweet Elora and his beloved Ruddiger ? What could he blame them for ?
With that in mind, she gathered her courage and went back to Varian's room.
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When Elora joined her mother and grandma in the kitchen, eyes still red from crying, they both scolded her at first for disobeying and visiting Varian, but in the end, they couldn't ignore her distress. They did whatever they could to soothe her before they had to go on with their duties.
Elora tried to keep her hands busy by washing frying pans to distract her troubled soul, but it didn't work. She could still hear Varian's angry voice in her head and she performed her task mechanically, wondering over and over what she did wrong.
The foam in the sink and the pan's handle sticking out of it suddenly reminded her of the fog and of the monster's huge tail she saw that night. Varian said… he said that the monster was his raccoon.
With a gasp, she left the pan as it was and left the kitchen in a hurry.
She had to find Ruddiger.
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Varian was in the same position as the Queen left him, except for his shoulders that were slumped. She couldn't see his face, but she could tell how miserable he was.
She came closer and sat down quietly, trusting the rustling of her dress to indicate to Varian that she was here. A moment passed without either of them saying a word.
"Varian, I'm sorry about your father." The Queen ventured at last. She wasn't sure at all it was the right way to start, but it was what her heart told her.
"Don't talk to me about my father", replied the teenager who shrugged without shifting from his position. "You didn't care back then, why do you now ?"
"I'm here now, Varian, and I want to help you. I know it seems hard to believe for you right n…"
The explosion came. Varian's head snapped and turned around to face her.
"Hard to believe ? Hard to believe ? Yes, it is hard to believe. It's impossible. That's what people do anyway. Oh, but I've learned my lesson, Your Majesty." She could hear the sarcasm from the way he enunciated her title. "The people who pretend to be my friends always betray me one day or another."
"That's not true, Varian"
"Do you really think so, Your Majesty ? Rapunzel didn't keep her promise and let the guards throw me into the snow storm. Then my own village turned against me because they heard that I attacked the Princess. And I'm not sure Cassandra bragged about how she let me down when she said she would be my assistant at the Science Expo, just because she had a better opportunity that was more important than our pretended FRIENDSHIP !"
This last word was ripped out of his throat with a strength that surprised even him. His voice echoed in the room in the silence that followed.
Arianna looked down and tried to process his words. No wonder that after the beating, his brain decided to shut down all the memories from the Science Expo onwards. That day was the first pang he felt in his heart. The first of many. No wonder he outright refused to go through that again.
"Varian, is that why you reject everyone ? Even Elora and Ruddiger ?"
"They will turn their back on me at some point anyway, like everybody else !" he spat.
"Varian, Elora loves you like a brother. And Ruddiger has always been there for you. They would never hurt you on purpose and you know that. Now stop blaming others and give me the true reason why you turned them away, Varian !" shouted the Queen, pushing the boy to his limits. He had to say it himself.
"They would !" he replied at the top of his lungs. "They would hurt me and they will ! They have every right to do so ! Because if they don't hurt me first, I will be the one to hurt them eventually ! I have hurt them already!"
Varian felt silent, a mix of rage and despair on his young face. His pantings were the only sounds heard in the room. Arianna was holding her breath.
"Why would they stay by my side ?" he murmured after a while. Tears were starting to well up in his eyes, and he wiped them quickly with the back of his hand, sniffing. "I have hurt them. No matter what I do, I always end up breaking things and hurting people."
Varian was shaking. He was trying to hold back his tears, refusing to break down in front of her. In his head, a voice kept saying ; "I did this. I did this." He squeezed his eyes shut hoping it would stop.
He gave a start as he felt a hand upon his. He opened his eyes and met Arianna's. The Queen reached out her other hand and cupped his cheek.
Varian let out a sob. Before he knew it, he felt warm arms around his frame.
Hesitantly he let his head down, hiding his face in her shoulder, and the dam broke. His whole body rattled with erratic breath and uncontrollable sobs, he at last allowed himself to let his sorrow take over for once. He couldn't find it in him to return the Queen's embrace, but didn't try to pull away either. He had so many unshed tears in him, and he needed her to let them flow.
"Oh Varian… ", was the Queen's silent prayer for him. "What your hell must be…"
