TRIGGER WARNING for self-harm intentions.
I would like to remind everyone that the whole fic is rated T. Although I'm not going into something extremely dark and / or violent, it is important that you are warned.
So please don't read the last part if you know it is not for you.
On a lighter note, I would like to give a few shout-outs to very regular readers who follow up the story actively - I know there are a lot of regular readers (maybe more than I can imagine) and I would like to thank everyone for bearing with me. Now I would especially like to thank (sorry if I'm not naming everyone, it's late and I'll stick to the most recent ones !) Car45, chinesepotatochipleader, Totallynotvarian, L, Crystal, crystalcritter2007 (same reader ?), Shia Rephic, Lorraine. 48,beweme and jidfanfic for their continunous support through comments and thoughts that are so helpful for me. I write the story because I really, really want to, but sharing it with people is the icing on the cake.
In a perfect world I would love to reply to everyone individually, but writing takes a lot of time, and I can't get less sleep than I already do ! :)
Now, if you're ready for another quite dark chapter… (but there is a light at the end of the tunnel… Arianna can be stubborn too and won't give up)
I wrote the part about the ring a while ago, because I felt like I wanted to explain why in the series it seemed a challenge for the Queen to forgive Eugene(it looks like she makes her decision at the last minute in the episode). And as you will see, this story is very much about forgiveness (in my opinion).
And btw, I know I am kind of letting Nigel rot in jail at the moment, but I am not leaving him out. All in good time...
Chapter 42
Arianna was stunned by the boy's harsh words.
"Varian, I'm not acti…"
"ARE THEY ?" he yelled, fists clenched tight, teeth bared and eyebrows frowned like he was enraged.
Arianna closed her eyes. She had to keep her composure. Not just for herself, but for the angry boy in front of her who, she understood that now, was now scared beyond words by his own actions and their consequences. But there was a fine line between choosing her words wisely…and lying.
She chose to be honest.
"All right, Varian, if you have to hear the truth, these events still haunt me. I can't say that these actions are forgotten. Or forgiven. Not yet at least. I can only hope that someday I will be able to put those grudges behind me."
She took off a ring from her slender hand. It was a simple yet beautiful ring with the symbol of Corona on it. The sun with seven rays.
"This, she stated, was taken from me years ago. A petty, young thief broke into my carriage and took it. It was just an object. But I felt angry and hurt whenever I would think of that missing ring for years and years after that. Do you know why, Varian ?"
Varian kept his jaw clenched and shrugged, trying to maintain his "I couldn't care less" look on his face, but not succeeding completely.
"Because this ring is a gift from my mother, and it was destined to be my daughter's one day. When she would become Queen." She closed her eyes and paused to exhale deeply. When she opened them again, it was like she was looking at the ghost of her lost child. "My baby girl was stolen in the dead of the night many years before that. To have this ring taken away too… it was like my daughter was kidnapped for a second time. As long as I had that ring with me, I could keep telling myself : she will be back, and I will give this ring to her."
And then suddenly, I had no daughter and no ring. I'm not saying that the ring is as important as a person, but that was the last straw. I was angry at everything, at life itself ! Was it going to tear off every last bit of hope ?"
"Angry ? You ?" asked Varian is disbelief, almost forgetting his facade.
"I took me a long time to leave my anger aside. In fact, I was still mad at that petty thief, even when I recently found out who he was and how he had come to this. You see, Varian, he too was angry at the whole world, and believed he had no other choice than stealing to get what he wanted."
Varian was silent, listening and waiting, sensing that the Queen was coming to something with her story.
"The thief's name was Flynn Rider, Varian. Eugene was his real name."
The boy's jaw dropped when he heard the name of his idol (or ex-idol). It mouthed words aimlessly for a second or two before he could ask :
"But, but you were able to forgive him. After all, it was only a ring, right ?", ventured Varian, shivering at the thought of his own actions. And they had little to do with the theft of a mere object.
"Not exactly. I found it in myself to forgive him when I started to think about who he was back then, and who he was later on. You see, Varian, he was young, and he has come a long way and regretted his mistakes. Fixed them. Made sure he would not make the same mistakes again and become a better person. That's why, in my eyes, he deserved a second chance."
"A second chance…" Varian murmured.
The boy was thoughtful for a second, before his features tensed. His jaw tightened, his hands clenched into fists, nails digging in his palms and knuckles turning white.
"But…" he uttered under his breath, head bowed. Overwrought, he looked up, tears in his eyes already swelling and yelled at the Queen's face : "But some of us just don't deserve a second chance ! I can fix as many cracks in the walls as you want, it won't change what I've done !"
"We all make mistakes, Varian", she replied, standing her ground. "And you can learn from them, if you can accept what happened and forgive yourself. You are a good person, Varian, I know it. Please. Don't let pain and rage consume you."
As she spoke, she came closer and reached out. Her fingertips barely touched Varian's upper arm, causing the boy to rip it away and turn his back to the Queen, breaking eye contact. His right hand reached his left upper arm, a reflex of his whenever he felt insecure. His shoulders were so tense they almost reached his ears.
Arianna sighed, fearing that she would get nothing more from him, when she unexpectedly heard his voice, quivering and barely above a whisper.
"I… I would like some time alone, Your Majesty. Please."
His voice sounded so childlike suddenly, void of bitterness and anger. It was a desperate plea. Varian wouldn't have been able to explain why he was yearning for loneliness so much if he had wanted to. As much as he dreaded it, it was an old companion of his after all, one that wouldn't judge him. At that moment, it seemed that he would feel safer if he were alone.
Arianna was torn. The young alchemist was going through a physical need for comfort and reassurance, she was sure of it, and her instincts were kicking in hard, begging her run to him. But Varian clearly spelled out that he was not ready to accept that now.
"All right, Varian", she relented. "Please get some rest. I'll make sure that a full dinner will come up for you, and…" She swallowed hard. "… I'll see you later."
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Arianna's own words were ringing in her ears.
Pain and rage.
Varian was full of contradictions. A brilliant alchemist and engineer, yet still a child in many ways. It was like the scientist in him couldn't understand the outbursts of that boy who still needed much emotional support and guidance. With great intelligence and knowledge, possibilities were almost unlimited, but the choices were still the ones of a child and so were the mistakes that go with it. Two sides of a coin, an explosive mix.
He was also torn between sorrow and hate. He'd been hurt and that was an understatement. Anger stepped in, to save this young soul from withering into despair.
If only she could find a way to…
An idea crossed her mind and hit her like lightning. She picked up her step to hurriedly get her cloak. She had to make it in time to the marketplace, before the shops closed for the night. She would need all the help she could get to take the rage out of Varian's heart.
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Varian's breath hitched and turned into bitter sobs as soon as the Queen left the room as he let his tears fall. There were so many things he regretted already. He should have known by now, that nothing good ever came when he let his anger fits take over. His words said "leave me alone, I don't deserve any help", but at the same time, he was terrified that she would eventually turn away for good.
He wanted so badly to run to her and let her warmth thaw his violent emotions away, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Reject or be rejected, and he couldn't go through the latter again. And also… accepting love and care from the royal family would be acknowledging that they are not such bad people…so what would that make him ?
It would take away the stone securing the bottom of the ivory tower of the certainties he built himself, mainly the one that he wasn't wrong.
Giving a soft croon, Ruddiger came to cuddle his friend's legs, hoping that Varian would pick him up and take him in his arms or over his shoulders. The boy remained as stiff as a tree trunk, with only his shoulders shaking as he cried.
Through half-closed eyelids, Varian caught an unexpected glint on the floor next to the fireplace. Blinking a few times to chase his tears away, he recognized where it came from : the shards from the carafe he broke earlier. Ethel was right : Remyus wasn't a very ordained person. He took great care of his patients, Varian had to give him that, but when it came to tidiness, he obviously wasn't as dedicated.
Still ignoring Ruddiger, Varian approached the messy heap of purple glass and knelt down. His gloved hand picked up one of the pieces between two fingers. The boy was completely still for a while, studying it like it was the most incredible thing in the world. He wasn't crying anymore, but he swallowed bile several times.
It was tempting beyond words, beyond reason. To use the piece of glass and run it on the tender skin of his arm, just to feel another kind pain for once. Maybe it will stop the sorrow inside.
Varian never felt that kind of urge before, and it scared him. He couldn't understand the feeling, especially for someone who knew very well that he couldn't stand the sight of blood. But he was tired. So tired to feel bad and upset and hurt. He just wanted to forget his pain for a little while.
His hand was trembling. He gave out a whine.
Cold glass touched his forearm, ready to slash through skin.
Something dashed onto Varian's lap and the teen felt he was hit in the stomach and fell on his back, letting go of the piece of glass in the process. Jolting out of his trance, he looked around wildly before focusing his gaze on Ruddiger, who was standing on top of him, paws firmly planted in his chest, and scolding his human friend in what sounded like the rude language of a very upset raccoon.
Varian stared at his furry friend, wide-eyes and stunned by the fact that he was being lectured by a raccoon. Then he exhaled, shoulders dropping, and let the back of his head rest on the floor, laughing nervously.
"Have I sunk so low, Ruddiger, that you have to act like my guardian ?". His laughter turned into scoffs. "You know what, Ruddy ? You've always been there for me. Funny, hey, that you are the only living creature I can talk to. Or pathetic." Scoffs turned into whimpers. "You are my angel. I've lost count of how many times you have saved me. And I…I'm so… I'm such a fool. Will I ever feel better?"
Varian was a nervous wreck as he was lying on the floor and crying himself out. He hid his face in the crook of his arm, too embarrassed by his own weakness, even in front of his raccoon.
Ruddiger froze and let sadness engulf him too. Crooning softly, he came closer to Varian's face to nuzzle his chin. Without a word, Varian wrapped his arms around the chubby animal and shifted to turn on his side, curling into a foetal position, letting himself cry for the time being and see if maybe the tears will wash the sorrow and the pain away.
