*Spamelot song playing)* I am not dead yet !
This chapter took a long time to be complete, because I've been exhausted/sick these days, and especially because this chapter was not easy to write (as I expected it would be, but still). I'm not so good at expressing anger in general, so I guess… it's great that Varian can do it ?
And Guest, I totally agree, the root of Varian's issues lies in the relationship with his Dad, and in consequence, in his own behaviour (which is shaped by the aforementioned Relationship. Does that make sense ?)
Anyway, I hope this chapter makes the wait worth it, and please leave a review if you care for the story !
Chapter 50
The sun had retreated behind the clouds, its golden light leaving the beautiful garden of the castle for a while. The air was hot, suffocating even, as it can be during summer, making the people of Corona yearn for the cool, refreshing rain.
But Varian didn't really pay attention to the weather. With his goggled secured over his eyes, the only clue on his face was his mouth. Its ends were drooping slightly but it was also tense, as was his jaw. Behind gritted teeth, a lump formed in his throat, and the shallow breaths he took because of stress didn't help. His heart felt like it was squeezed while his stomach was churned and made him feel sick. Varian's whole system was like a volcano about to erupt.
Flashes of distant and recent memories alike kept fighting in his mind. His brain had suddenly gone out of control, with too many pieces of information to deal with at once. Each thought sent a wave of rage and frustration through his skinny body, like too many arrows piercing his heart.
Varian meandered for a while amongst the clay pots, dragging the metal pole behind him, its ends scraping against the footpath with a screeching sound. There were so many things he was feeling angry for. So many times he had felt betrayed and hurt, and he never complained. So many unshed tears for the sake of others.
Oh, he did cry at times. When he was alone, except for Ruddiger, when the world's harms were too much too bear. Because Varian never wanted to talk about it, to anybody. How could he let such a weakness show, when all he did each and every day was try and prove he could be strong and skilled and worthy of their interest ? So after his experiments or his inventions failed, which was the case more often than not, he would make sure nobody would know how he truly felt.
And above all, he would never go to his father for comfort. Not to him, the leader of their village, such a tall, strong man, flanked with him, Varian, a poor excuse for a son.
The silence was unbearable, but Arianna didn't want to interrupt the unstable teen's train of thought. With Phil on her heels, she picked up Ruddiger, knowing that the sweet critter may want to run to his friend too early in the process. She was making sure she was standing a respectful distance away from the goggled boy, although she never lingered too far behind so he would know she was there.
And hoping with all her might that it would be enough for him not to lose his mind completely.
"Your Majesty ?" Varian called out over his shoulder after a while, catching the Queen off-guard. His voice was weary and sounded older, not matching his real age. "Do you know what it feels like ?"
Unable to find a word for all his bottled-up feelings, the boy didn't wait for a reply as he swung the metal pole around him and over his head. With a heart-breaking cry, he struck another pot as he brought it down violently. Immediately moving on the side, he raised the pole again, a painful pressure building up in his chest. His next words came as if violently pushed out his mouth by pure rage, his voice barely recognizable.
"Secrets." CLANG
"Lies." CLANG
"Broken promises." CLANG
Shattered pieces of clay jolted around as he spat the words.
"From the people you TRUST !" he yelled as he smashed another pot, never stopping his motion.
"From the people you LOVE !" he went on, breaking yet one more vase. Only then did he realize he was panting hard, struggling to catch his breath.
"Why does nobody care ? Why am I not worthy of their trust or even their interest ?"
His bowed his head, and with a frail and childlike voice, he whispered : "Why am I doomed to be alone ?"
His hands shaking, the boy took a sharp inhale and looked up, his glance lost far away in the sky for a few seconds, just taking the pain in, feeling it. Then, under the thick goggles, determination flashed across his eyes, and within a couple of long strides, he approached a group of awkward clay pots, including the ones made by Phil's sisters.
CLANG !
CLANG !
CLANG !
CLANG !
The boy strained his weak muscles beyond their endurance as he angrily and mercilessly smashed the metal bar against each of the clay pots. His heart was racing, his arms would probably awfully painful after the night, but he didn't care.
Behind the Queen, Phil was clutching his halberd in his gloved hands so hard it might break. Varian's cheeks had gone red, with effort or rage, probably both. His teeth were either tightly clenched or bared as he snarled about his grievances. For the first time, Phil saw Varian's inner rage take control over that small body, and it was more scary to watch than he could imagine.
"He wouldn't tell me ! My Dad didn't want me to experiment on those rocks, but he knew something about them, and he wouldn't tell me ! All I wanted to do was help ! No one would do something about those rocks ! My Dad and the King ignored them ! They ignored ME !"
CLANG !
"And do you know the best part ? My father said I wasn't READY !"
CLANG !
A bitter scoff passed his lips and he shook his head. "But Dad… tell me Dad… do you think I was ready for this ? Do you think I was ready to be on my own, abandoned by…
CLANG !
Absolutely.
CLANG !
Everyone.
CLANG !
Including.
CLANG !
You !"
CLANG !
"Have you got any idea, Dad", Varian continued after a few loud breaths that sounded like whines, "what it's like to cry for hours at the bottom of the gigantic amber prison in which you're likely to be DEAD ?"
CLANG !
Phil glanced at the Queen, hoping to make eye contact in a silent plea to make this stop. But the royal lady was standing straight, Ruddiger secured in her arms despite the critter's protests. She held her head upright, her gaze straightforward and never leaving the boy in front of her. She might as well have been turned into a statue. So Phil tentatively took a step forward, but before he could address her, his attention got caught on her soft lips that were mouthing inaudible words.
Go on, Varian. Don't hold back. Go on…
A stray tear fell from her eye and ran down her cheek. Phil decided he should trust the Queen and keep quiet to give Varian a chance to meet his anger face to face, even if it hurt.
"Have you got any idea what it's like for me to be so close but not be able to touch you, to reach you ? Can you imagine what's it's like to scream and shout until your voice can scream and shout no more, but nobody can hear you anyway ?"
CLANG !
CLANG !
CLANG !
Varian's words were sometimes interrupted because of his ragged breathing, and he was now sweating profusely, if the dark stain on the back of his shirt could be trusted.
No longer able to talk, Varian went on, breaking and hitting and smashing, moans and cries of rage escaping from his throat. In time, his blows got weaker, and his arms started to tremble as the last bout of strength left them.
"No one…came…. No one came… for me… no one…" came the fragile voice again as the boy pulled his goggles back so they could sit on the top of his head. His eyes were full of tears and they could stream down his face freely now. The broken teen didn't even bother to wipe them away.
He stood there, eyes squeezed shut and sobbing through clenched teeth as a few drops of rain started to fall from the dark clouds. His legs seemed to suddenly give up carrying his weight and he sank to his knees. His gloved hands released the metal bar, not willingly but out of exhaustion too, before they reached out in front of him as he doubled over and planted his palms into the ground. He gasped for breath through his tears, but his gasps quickly turned into gags as his stomach twisted. Before Varian could do as much as turn away, the remnants of his meagre lunch were splattered on the rocky footpath.
"Your Majesty…. "Phil winced, unable to bear it any longer, but unable to look away.
Stoic as before, Arianna gently raised her hand to shush him, slightly tilting her head in his direction, but her eyes were still locked on the slumped frame a short distance away. This wasn't over yet, Varian's retching proved as much. She was silently crying too, the only thing that kept her standing there instead of rushing by Varian's side was the necessity to let him expel all the emotions that were ripping him apart from the inside.
Because that too, was healing. There was an infected wound that had to be cleansed to give it a chance to heal properly. The pangs in her own heart didn't matter.
When his stomach heaved no more, Varian absentmindedly wiped his mouth with the back of his gloved, eyes unfocused. Then he put his hand on the ground, finding the metal pole again and using it for support as he got to his feet.
"Why did you leave me, Dad ?" came his shaky, broken voice as he took a few wobbly steps. "Why did you have to push me out of the way ? You should have left the amber engulf me. I'm the reason why the amber sprouted up ! It was all my fault ! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME !"
CLANG !
The Queen's eyes went wide and she clasped her hand over her mouth to stifle a cry of horror. Ruddiger seized the opportunity to wrestle his way out of her embrace and rushed to his boy.
Arianna had had a hunch about the reason for the amber, all this time, because she saw him pour the drops on the rock next to her when she was chained to the floor, helpless. She was suspicious that Varian knew how it grew.
But to hear the story from him… to hear how it happened… it was an accident, a terrible accident but Varian had played a part in it, even if he never intended to hurt anyone. His words kept ringing in her mind : "you're likely to be DEAD". The boy was a scientist, as he proudly called himself, and he always had openly rejected any kind of magic. Any logical mind would conclude immediately that with the lack of air, Quirin probably died of suffocation seconds or minutes after being entirely encased. Surely Varian's brain kept reminding him that scientific fact.
But still, Varian couldn't give up. So he made a desperate choice : give up all his former beliefs, trust in magic for once, get the flower, and when that didn't work, get Rapunzel to come to his lab so he could use her hair. And when that didn't work either, put all the blame on her.
Because at that moment, the only other option for that forsaken boy who was crying on his knees next to the amber rock, would have been to face his own responsibility for his father's death.
The rain started to pour down harder as Varian's hand let the metal pole fall loudly on the ground, ignoring the raccoon at his feet. He fell onto his knees again, his whole body shaking violently and tears streaming endlessly down his face. He wrapped his arms around himself and curled into a ball, his head sagging more and more with every sob.
