This was another chapter that was tricky to write. I hope it doesn't sound repetitive in the story, but I think a few issues needed closure (like SakuraXXstrawberry and Car45 said, things are not over yet with a few smashed clay pots and I am giving Varian time to recover). I have the feeling I just completed a puzzle/jigsaw, and that all the pieces are in place where they should be !
Lorraine48, I do have ideas about a future reunion with Rapunzel (and they look different from the hints I had so far in the comments), but that would require a whole sequel, haha !
Welcome, angstisMyLifeUwU, given your username, I bet you will like it here ! XD
Rain4evah, if you read your inbox, you know I have already things in mind… an important interview coming up next chapter !
Thank you all for your comments ! I take a lot of time here to explore the feelings and the mess they can bring because I can do it with this media (and I enjoy it !). I don't know what the show has for us in store, but I trust the writers will have found a very clever and efficient way to show us the rollercoaster Varian will go through emotionally, one way or another (I even suspect it will be a tougher ride than we expect). And I can't wait.
I might be a bit slower with my upcoming update, as I am currently on another project for St Paddy/ Valentine's Day on tumblr. I am hyped by this and I would really like to complete it ! I also added a new piece of fanart on mycove-art.
Chapter 53
A low rumble could be heard in the distance over the dull sound of pouring rain. Ruddiger's ears backed down and he tried to make himself very small – the poor raccoon was never comfortable around thunder. Whenever it happened, back in his village, Varian would make sure to comfort his furry friend by petting him letting him hide his muzzle in the crook of his arm. Skinny as it was, it was for Ruddiger the best place in the world to wait for storms to die away.
But Varian did none of that. He didn't move an inch, didn't gave a glance. In fact, he looked like he didn't register any of this, his gaze lost in the void and his mind numb.
"By the Sun of Corona, child !", Ethel's voice gave such a jolt to Varian's weak frame it was a miracle that he kept the bowl straight in his hands. "You're never going to feel better if you don't eat !" She pulled up a chair so she could sit next to him and yanked the bowl from his hands. "Look, boy, I'm not going to have you faint again over your chores, not under my watch, you aren't !".
Varian blushed at being scolded like a child. Arianna stepped out from behind the screen, wearing now a comfortable velvet dressing gown.
"What are you talking about, Ethel ?" she asked with a tilt of her head as she tied the sash around her slender waist.
"Oh, right, you weren't in that day, Your Majesty," she replied nonchalantly. Behind her plump form, a wide-eyed Varian was gesturing madly, obviously panicking hard and trying to get her to keep quiet, but the old maid paid no attention.
"My, I found this young man sprawled on the floor in one of the guests' rooms on that Science Expo day because he had overworked himself until he collapsed with exhaustion. I had to pat his cheeks so hard to make him regain consciousness, they were bright red after that ! And as soon as he could speak, all he could think of was get back to his tasks straight on, because he needed to have them completed for a friend, he said. But you know me, I didn't let him get away so easily, not until he drank a cup of warm milk and honey in front of me."
Arianna was standing there, stunned, looking at Varian with round eyes. She saw the embarrassed look on his face and decided not to push this further.
"Well, Varian, I guess you know what to do, now," she replied sternly to match Ethel's tone as she proceeded to take every pin out of her hair bun, silently hoping that the boy would comply without a fight. Feeding him had been an issue almost every day he had spent in this castle. Maybe she should think of organizing another picnic soon.
Varian knew better than upset the old maid. She had forcefully grabbed the bowl and the spoon, so he assumed he had even lost the right to feed himself at his own pace and didn't dare ask them back. He braced himself and tried to prepare mentally to swallow some of the food in front of him.
Arianna brushed her long silky locks before weaving them into a thick braid. She hadn't thought of bringing another dress to the physician's chambers, so for now, the casual hairdo and the dressing gown would have to do. It was still too early to go to bed, barely 6 o'clock, but she could tell by the dark bags under Varian's reddened eyes that the kid wouldn't be able to stay awake for much longer. She could at least make sure he would peacefully go to sleep before focusing on being properly dressed for the time of day.
To say the truth, Ethel's soup was delicious, and much to Varian's taste. Or at least it would have been normally. After three or four mouthfuls, the teen felt his stomach tense again, as if locking itself up by its own will. Pain seared with every breath he drew, and he felt the urge to lie down and try to relax.
"Can… can we take a break now, Ethel ? Please." He didn't mean for his voice to sound so apologetic, but he couldn't take any more. He winced at how pathetic he sounded. His panted breath made the old maid frown in worry and she brought a hand to his forehead to check his temperature. The boy's skin felt slightly cold and clammy under her touch.
"Right, Varian," she said, keeping her growing concern hidden, "you must be tired." She left the soup on the table for later and helped him lay down. For once, Varian complied without a fight, too weak to even protest for being so much babied.
Arianna turned her head at Ethel's words. She heard the maid's message between the lines. Time to make sure Varian closed his eyes and let sleep take him over now. As on cue, Ruddiger tiredly snuggled under Varian's arm and leaned against his torso. The raccoon's warmth seeped through the boy's shirt and into his skin. Varian's breathing immediately became deeper and calmer. Arianna smiled. Ruddiger was the best hot water bag ever.
"Thank you so much, Ethel. You may leave us. I will take it from here."
Ethel bowed respectfully and left. The Queen moved to the other side of the bed to close the curtains hanging in front of the barred window. It didn't make the room completely dark, but at least it was now bathing in a dim light. The rain could still be heard outside, persistently playing its soothing song.
But Varian's heart was anything but soothed.
"He would hate me, wouldn't he ?", he muttered as soon as it was darker.
Arianna froze. She knew, with a pang in her heart, who he was talking about. She came over and sat down next to him. Her eyes were slowly starting to get used to the lack of light. The boy was still lying down on his back, staring at the ceiling.
"Varian," she began. "Honey… your father loves you, no matter what. He loves you so much."
"I've done… terrible things. Horrible things," he went on, ignoring her. "I've poisoned half of the castle staff. Pushed the Princess to commit treason. Stole the flower. Injured so many of the guards. Took you way from you family and tried to…"
"Shhh, Varian. You're exhausted. Why don't you close your ey…". Varian shook his head and cut her off.
"I tried to encase you in amber, just like my father was," he cried, "in cold blood. All I wanted was to get the Princess to help me." Tears spilled from his eyes as he squeezed them shut. His voice became louder as he lost control. "She promised. She promised."
"Varian…."
The boy threw both his forearms over his eyes as he continued screaming and sobbing.
"And then, I attempted to kill you. And Cassandra. I wanted nothing else but to do it. I wanted to see Rapunzel suffer as much as I was." Varian was stuck in a terrifying agony. He knew his body was in a bed, in Remyus' chambers at the castle of Corona, but his mind was convinced he was back inside the automaton, this time watching from aside a very angry boy push and pull levers with bared teeth, watching himself grab Cassandra and the Queen and relish the moment of glory, of power, of control. The moment when he could have caused irreparable damage.
"She had you. She had her father, she had her friends. She had love. I was left with nothing. Nothing at all, nothing and no one to live for."
"VARIAN !"
Arianna's suddenly harsh tone took the youth by surprise, as much as the tough clamp around his arms. She lowered then gently but firmly, and he met her face, tight with a frown and a quivering lip.
She sighed and her gaze softened a bit. He stared at her, frozen, tears threatening to burst again.
"That I won't hear, honey. Listen, I know you are hurt. You've been through a lot, Varian. Please allow yourself time to process all this. Yes, you made bad calls out of rage and grief, what's done is done and we can't change the past. But now you have to move on."
"How could I ?" he whimpered, flashbacks about the amber encasing his father and his blind rage after that flickering and invading in his mind again. "What I've done to you… to Rapunzel… to my Dad…. what I could have done… I'm scared, Your Majesty… I'm so lost. I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore."
Arianna moved one hand to his cheek, cupping it and feeling the moist of his tears. She could see the deep distress in his eyes. She felt sick to the core for the immense shame and guilt the distraught teen was feeling, even though she knew it was inevitable.
"A lot of damage has been done to you too… There are so many things we could have handled differently. I'm so sorry, Varian." She paused to catch her breath and subside her own urge to cry.
"There is more in you, Varian. You are young, you are still learning. You may have made mistakes, but you are truly sorry for them, and I'm sure you will try to do better in the future. Only you can decide what choices you'll make and who you'll be."
Fresh tears spilling, Varian shot up and rolled on his side, crushing Ruddiger under his light frame in the process and buried his face on her lap, shoulders shaking. Arianna moved one hand to his back, rubbing soothing circles, and the other to his thick hair, caressing it softly as she let him cry himself to sleep.
Arianna's dressing gown was all wet when Varian's sobs quieted down and she gently put him back to bed, carefully leaving him on his side so she wouldn't move him too much. Just as she thought he was out cold for the night and let go of him, his eyes shot up open and his hand, quick as lightning despite his fatigue, grabbed her slender wrist with surprising strength, his big, round, tear-filled eyes locking with hers.
She understood his unspoken plea.
"I'll stay with you until you are sleeping, honey. And I will spend the night here, right next to you. I'll be there when you wake up," she explained, holding his hand in a firm grip
"Promise ?" he asked under his breath.
Arianna gave a start. Those words. They couldn't have been easy for him. It just showed how desperate and vulnerable he felt. And at the same time, it also meant he was ready to trust again.
"Promise", she replied, meaning it with all her being.
As she drew the covers all the way up to his chin, she heard him whisper :
"Thank you… for not giving up on me." And with that, he drifted off into sleep, letting darkness overtake him.
Arianna listened to his breathing peacefully slowing down and evening out. At least, he fell asleep with the knowledge he wasn't alone. Ever so gently, she stroked his hair on more time, pulling back his bangs and placing a kiss on his temple.
"Sleep tight, my fallen angel. You are more loved than you think."
