So, last chapter, following bookishdiplodocus' observation, I did less head-hopping (changing the point of view several times) to focus most of the time on Varian's emotion. Kudos to Potkanka who mentioned it ! Have some cookies, you made my day (and theirs !)
Here, all, have a full-on fluffy comfort chapter !
CHAPTER 69
His lower lip was quivering as the words left his mouth, his hand fisted on the sleeve was shaking. His whole body was actually wracked with tremors, from both physical and mental exhaustion. Even his voice was quavering, not to mention raspy from the cries the night before and the lack of use thereafter. He was burning up with fever and his head was spinning from the effort of sitting up.
He choked back a sob, head still low.
"…I'm sorry", he blurted out, tears building up in his burning eyes. "I'm so sorry, I… I didn't want to fight, I just… I'm sorry… I keep getting into trouble and yet you…. Still you…"
He stopped and gasped, taking a sharp inhale when he felt arms surround him in a tight and warm embrace. Before he knew it, hot tears were flowing down his cheeks and he couldn't stop them. The dam broke, for him as well as for the Queen. Arianna held him close, her cheek against his and her eyes wet, while he was crying a litany of apologises.
"I'm sorry… I never should have punched him…. I'm so sorry…" he repeated over and over again through hiccupped sobs. "Please… I know I deserve punishment, but… I can't… I can't go back to the dungeon again !", he shouted as fresh tears spilled from his eyes.
"Hush… Varian, calm down," he heard her shush the soft words in his ear. "I know… I know… I'm here, now. I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. You're safe now."
"They… They're right… I'm dangerous… All it took was a few jabs and I…. What's wrong with me ?". There was a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach when he said those words. In the blink of an eye, he had become that mad, enraged boy who was ready to hurt, or even go for the kill.
A slender hand ran through his hair at the back his head and he gritted his teeth, fighting back his tears.
"Don't say that, Varian. You are a good kid. You've just been through too much to bear. Now, tell me what happened."
Varian felt his chest was going to burst. It had never burnt so badly, not even when he cried his heart out in the same arms after he lashed out at the clay pots to release his anger.
"That guy… Hans… he started to say those things about my father, and… but still… I shouldn't have…"
"Varian, please don't blame yourself", the soft voice spoke again. "I'll have a conversation with Hans and make sure I set things right. You should rest now. Everything's fine."
But Varian wasn't done.
"No… no, I don't deserve your forgiveness. It's all my fault, and because of me, you came back from an important event and you ruined your beautiful dress…"
He felt her pull out suddenly and her hands cupped his face so fiercely it almost hurt. His eyes met hers through their tears.
"This isn't about forgiveness, Varian, because there's nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong, honey. No official event could be more important than you. And I would tear a hundred gowns like this one for you if I had to, Varian, because you're worth far, far more than all the silk and all the jewels in the world, don't you know that ? Why is it so hard for you to believe it ?"
Varian stared at her, and she held her gaze, giving him time for the words to sink in. He could feel how much she meant those words in her eyes. Thinking again… he knew. Yes, he knew that already.
He lifted his sore arms so his gloved hands covered hers. His left hand couldn't make it that far though. Curse that handcuff, after all.
"… I knew you would come back," he finally confessed in a shaky breath. "I knew you would, this is the only thing I could hold on to, down there."
Before his mind could register it, he was back in the soft embrace where he knew he could let go and cry all his tears out, where he didn't have to fend for himself against the rest of the world, where he would be welcomed and understood. Where he was cared for. Where he was loved.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Remyus came back to his chambers with a clean rag and a bowl of fresh water and found them still bundled up together on the bed, with a raccoon huddled against their lap. Varian's tremors had slowly subsided, partly from exhaustion, partly from the white poppy mixture he took earlier. His body ache from head to foot, and he finally relaxed, relishing the feeling of sagging against another person. No matter how much weight he would lean against her (not that he was heavy), he could feel her there, steady and strong, a rampart against the pain this world could bring.
In harmony with his body, his mind started to calm down as well. Varian drifted in and out of consciousness like he was rocked by gentle waves. The high level of stress that had invaded him brutally was receding, allowing the boy to feel more serene than he had been in a long time. Any form of fear was now kept at bay.
"Mmyour Majesty," he mumbled, his speech slurred now he was on the verge of sleeping, "please don't take 'em away…"
"What are you talking about, Varian ?"
"The shards from the broken jar… don't dispose of 'em, I need 'em…"
That sent a jolt through the Queen's body. She had almost forgotten about that piece of glass Hans supposedly found on the boy, and they still didn't have an explanation for that.
"What do you need them for ?", she tried before he fell completely asleep.
"…wanna make… something… for you. 'ts why I had one in my apron… wanted to see if I could carve it…"
Arianna's eyes filled with more tears as relief washed over her. Not only the boy had kept faith that she would come for him even when he was panicked in the cell, but he was also trying to take a step towards her. Not that she expected or required any gift from him, of course. To see him well and happy was her greatest wish, and that was the only kind of recognition she was yearning for. He didn't need to do or make anything, he didn't need to try and impress her, she loved him for who he was. A strong, sensitive, caring and loving boy at heart. But for the first time since he came here, he wanted to do something for someone else. That was a sign that all the progress he made was still there and that it was worth every hurdle. He was getting better.
Varian had come to the point where his eyelids were so heavy that he just let them dip, not having the energy nor the will to open them again. He felt so comfortable and safe he wished that moment never ended.
"I… I never intended to hurt anyone else with it… I swear….'d never hurt you…", he added in a semi-conscious state.
"Shhh, Varian, that's fine," she coaxed him gently, wishing he would just give in to his much-needed sleep now. "No one can blame you for wanting to make Hans pay."
"…'s not that… I never…. wanted to hurt anyone else with it…", he repeated, each syllable more difficult to produce than the previous one with darkness tugging at him.
Arianna's brows furrowed as she tried to understand what he meant. Was the boy's system so overrun by the white poppy mixture that his words couldn't make any sense ? She looked at Remyus, confused, and she saw he was knitting his brow, thinking hard.
The physician came closer to speak softly in Varian's ear, hoping his hunch was wrong.
"Anyone else ? Anyone else than who, Varian ?"
"…me."
And with that, his energy definitely flagged and he fell into a dreamless sleep.
