Soooo, the finale happened, and the series are over... but I hope that the fandom isn't dead ! I intend to keep going for a good while anyway :)
"Nothing left to lose" was a great moment. I went back to my early chapters, when he's in jail by himself and reality hits him. I'm quite happy with how I wrote it, many ideas were quite close to the ones in the song. Did I mention that I love that duet ?
Also, the scenery here is inspired by the painting "La Madeleine à la veilleuse" from Georges de la TOur and that was painted in 1642-44. It's the one you can see in the Little Mermaid when Ariel sings "Part of your World". The painter loved to play with light and shadows, and I wanted to use this special atmosphere.
Sorry about the glitch earlier guys... I usually check the chapters since it has happened before, but it was very late for me and I forgot...
Here's a fluffy chapter, so enjoy - we'll get back to angst soon !
CHAPTER 80
At first, Varian remained motionless on the chair. The room was big but it was lightly furnished and the ceiling was ridiculously high. He felt very small and simply sat there, listening to the Queen's laboured breathing. There was a lump in his throat and his whole body was tense.
Strange how she always seemed to know what to do when he was sick or injured, and how he felt so helpless now. All he knew was that he wasn't sure how he could cope with the feeling that was wrenching his gut.
Fear. Immense fear.
He couldn't lose her. Not her too. She couldn't die.
She seemed so tired and fragile. It seemed to Varian that her life could be gone as easily as the flame from the candle next to him if he blew it.
Yet, that flame was still there, dancing and wavering, fighting against the darkness in the room. Like the Queen, still fighting for her life.
Exhaling to try and soothe his nerves, Varian peeled off his gloves -a thing he would seldom do – and left them on the bedside table. Taking with utmost gentleness the rag from her forehead, he dipped it in the nearby basin. The coolness of the water on his skin was refreshing and grounded him a little. He told Remyus he would take care of her for the next couple of hours, so he pulled himself together and tried to mentally gather up what he could do.
Pneumonia is a very serious condition. Keep the rag cool and wet, make her drink whenever possible. Listen to her breathing, check her pulse.
He gave the rag a wring to remove the excess of water, letting the water run freely between his fingers. He placed the cloth back on her head and wiped his hands absentmindedly on his own shirt.
After a while, Varian broke the silence.
"You know, I remember a time when I wouldn't let you come close to me, Your Majesty. Not for anything in the world". He chuckled awkwardly. "I just couldn't. I know how insane it sounds, because you took care of me from day one, but… you see, I spent so much time… on my own… believing that no one would help me… I decided I wouldn't wallow in sorrow, it was too painful. So I stopped crying, I stopped being sad. I only knew fear and anger and hate. Even the fear I would push away while working, but it would come back at night anyway."
Now his fingers were pretty much dry, he twined his fingers into her locks and started to style them into a loose braid as he went on.
"I had to keep on moving. Making plans. Preparing my revenge. As I went down that path, I knew that I was spiralling into darkness. I knew it was wrong, but it also was the only thing that felt right for me at the time. And I really didn't care about what I would have to do, what I would become. It felt like I had nothing left to lose anyway.
"But I was a fool. After that, I lost the battle and I was arrested. I don't remember everything from it, but I remember the pain, the rage in my heart. My hands tight around the levers of the automaton. How I wanted everyone to pay, especially Rapunzel."
When he was almost done with her hair, he separated a thin lock from the others, twisted it gently and swung it round the tip of the braid. Then he tucked it under itself to secure the hair in place. Not willing to let go of the soft touch, he kept stroking his handiwork when he was done.
"But when I found myself locked in the cell, down there… I… I don't know… only then did I realize how far I had gone. What I did. And what was left. That was the moment I realized I really lost everything."
Varian swallowed hard, memories and sensations flooding back. His eyes started to sting and he blinked the sensation away.
"That's why…. That's why I was afraid to go near the light, because I couldn't face the fact that I could hold onto it and that it might vanish. I was afraid to let you in, Your Majesty, because I was scared of losing you. I just… I refused to go through that pain again so I pushed you away as hard as I could."
He was hardly aware of the tears spilling from his eyes.
"But," he almost sobbed the word out, "now, even though I'm so scared of losing you, I don't want to turn away. I… I want to see your bright smile over me again, want to feel your arms around me again. I want you to play the harp for me again.
"There is not a day when I don't regret what I've done. I thought everyone would hate me forever for this. But you proved me wrong. And I can't go back to being alone – I just can't !"
He covered his eyes with his forearm, trying to hold back his tears.
"I don't know If I'm good or bad," he cried, unable to stop the sobs that now shook his body. "But with you, I can just be myself. I… I know you'll be there for me no matter what. So…. So please, Your Majesty,…. Stay with me. Please…"
His hand on the bed tightened into a fist, squeezing the sheets inside. Then, softly, gently, he felt the touch a warm hand over his. His cries stopped, his breathing ragged and he lowered his forearm.
She was awake. And she was looking at him with her feverish eyes.
"Varian…", she whispered faintly, "Will you… "
"Yes ! What do you need ? What can I do for you ?" he readily enquired, forgetting about his breakdown at once. He got up and leaned over her so she would have to strain herself. "Do you need water ? Are you hungry ? Are you cold ?"
"Please, Varian…." – a pause for breath – "Will you…. call me… Arianna ?"
Varian's eyes opened wide, tears still blurring his vision, but it wasn't the reason for the disbelief on his face.
Had he heard right ?
The boy held his breath for a few seconds, then he let out a choked cry. A cry for joy. He fell on his knees and let his upper body rest on the mattress next to her, letting his tears flow freely now.
"You…I…yes….yes, Arianna !"
He felt like his heart was going to burst. He couldn't have said how he finally ended up all cuddled next to her on the bed, his hand in hers, and he didn't care. Relief was flooding into his system, releasing the tensions he had endured for far too long. His body relaxed with each breath, his heart rate slowing down as his tortured mind was finally at rest.
The words "Stay with me, please" mean a lot to me. They were my plea, once. I was 2 months pregnant and we were fearing a problem that may have resulted in losing the baby.
Maybe baby heard. Stayed and lived.
Please review !
