Chapter Four: Counting Snowflakes
Forks - January 22nd
Alice missed countless snowflakes in her half-hearted attempt to count them all, lost in their multifaceted uniqueness. Their graceful descent from the gray-purple overcast night sky made the world seem trapped inside of a vast dome, like her own personal snow globe prison. The snow was light, the kind that drifted, and any small breeze could pick up the surface layer and spin it around like a thousand ice fairies dancing in the wind.
The small cyclones of snow seemed so perfect, that somehow despite the nature of snow, those crystals had been preserved, albeit briefly, in their original form. Rising up and then down with the ebbs of air currents, until they finally came to rest, melting in with the rest of their brothers and sisters into a blanket of white sameness. So beautiful and yet so temporary. So… human.
Humans, how she envied them. How their lives came and went like a candle flame. Touching their immortal lives with their light, and the heat from their short chaotic lives. On very rare occasions, they would come across someone who could melt their stone hearts, whose mere existence burned like a bonfire. The heat from them was dangerous, for to stand next to close for too long risked being consumed by their passions. In her long life, she had met only one that had touched her in such a way.
One she had run away from, when all she wanted to do was fly towards her, like a moth to the flame.
In that instant she lost focus and let in the sounds coming from the rest of the house. Carlisle was in his office humming absentmindedly to himself, most likely to distract him from the dull, pedantic, almost mechanical voice of a doctor explaining his experimental technique for a revolutionary new procedure. It was one of a series Carlisle had been watching over the last few weeks. His new identity had finally established him not only as a doctor, but a surgeon again, licensed to practice in the state of Washington. The reason he kept giving for listening to the lectures was that he was brushing up on a few new ideas that had come up in the years since he was an active surgeon. Alice knew it was more about reclaiming what he'd lost. Due to timing and appearances, life as a vampire had prevented Carlisle from practicing in a hospital for decades, a sacrifice he silently endured despite missing his chosen profession acutely.
Esme was humming along with him in perfect harmony, as she mixed paint for her new masterpiece. A work of art no one except her family would ever see. In the same instant Carlisle sighed and turned off the lecture, Esme began to beat her brush against the lower frame of her easel to knock off the excess turpentine. Her subject was from memory, an image of a seemingly random street long forgotten to time. She hadn't realized where her painting was heading until she had blocked it out. She smiled softly at the bittersweet memory it would conjure for herself and the rest of her family when it was finished. A tribute, although a subtler one than was hanging on the wall not ten feet from where she worked, to someone she loved and missed every day of her endless life. She went to work, letting her practiced hand dance across the canvas with perfect precision and a supernatural attention to detail, her considerable natural talent distilled into something otherworldly.
Rosalie was making the most noise, her machine shop in the garage was her private haven, and a loud one. She was restoring her old car, fabricating a piece that was impossible to find for a vehicle nearly a century old. While working on it gave her a sense of purpose and peace, she didn't care for the memories it conjured; a black note of their existence, an eternal regret, and a relationship she had never understood or even figured out. Normally she would seek out her husband in moments like these, his honest heart was always capable of soothing her troubled mind. Instead she let the memories in, since it was so close to the anniversary, which was a time when they could all think about her without fear of Edward hearing. She did take a moment to listen to her husband play the game he was currently involved with, a classic early twenty-first century shooter emulated on the old fashioned tower computer he insisted on keeping in the living room with the big television, before going back to her project.
Jasper was in the sitting room, wrapped in an embrace with his wife Adara. They were murmuring to each other as only lovers could. Sweet nothings, that easily passed the time. While she was relatively new to the family, she was an essential part of it. The two met in Calgary fifty years prior, and their connection was both powerful and immediate. It surprised almost everyone when Alice stepped aside without hesitation, as if she were waiting for an excuse to separate herself from the man she had called a mate.
Over time it was clear that Adara had a calming influence on Jasper, which surpassed anything that Alice had been able to do for him. It wasn't even a gift, but rather their natural connection and bond. She was quite the opposite of Alice physically, nearly as tall as Emmett, athletic and Amazonian. Her senses keen, and nearly twice as sharp as most vampires. But it was her personality that attracted Jasper the most, she was serious and quiet and above all, calm. Not one to excite emotions, at least on the surface. Yet Jasper had confided in Alice that beneath her cool exterior was a deep passion for life and a love of immortality.
At first Adara and Alice struggled to get along, until eventually Adara realized that Alice harbored no jealousy, and no inclination towards Jasper as a mate. They became fast friends, or as friendly as Alice was able, since nothing induced Alice to be fully committed to anything in her endless life. Her attempts at design were lifeless, until she finally just gave up and began moving from distraction to distraction in a vain attempt to pass the time without a real sense of what she was doing. She let herself enjoy the moment, because that was essential to hiding her true feelings.
That need to seem alive was nothing but an act, when in reality she had been dead inside for years. It got worse when she knew Bella had reached an age that few mortals lived beyond, even with current medical technology. An age that all but confirmed Bella was gone forever, and Edward had finally gotten his wish for her to die with her humanity intact.
Her façade was working too, until Edward suggested that the family move back to Forks, to the same house, the same life they had abandoned nearly a century before. He introduced the idea with very little option to refuse, mostly because he had convinced Carlisle first. Rosalie and Emmett had hinted a few times that they were considering going off, not wanting to start the cycle of high-school students again. Until eventually they relented, and the entire family set up in Forks. A place full of so many memories, painful impossible memories.
Alice stifled a sigh as she made her way into the house, right into the sound of Edward sitting down to tinker with one of his older compositions. No one could understand why he had put his Baby Grand in storage, but his current piano had a good quality of sound. She fell onto the chaise part of the living room couch next to Emmett who had given up on his game and was listening to Edward play. In fact, the entire house had gathered together, even Rosalie, to listen to the arrangement. The piece was initially hopeful and beautiful but turned halfway into something dark and somber. Ending with a slight hint of the hope from the beginning. He had written the first part when she was in their lives, and the second on the day after they had settled into their new home after leaving her behind.
It had been a welcome distraction, and despite who wrote it, Alice loved the melody. It helped that his musical aptitude was unparalleled. Yet despite how close they once were; Edward and Alice never repaired their relationship after he convinced them to leave. Almost on cue, as soon as he finished, he got up and moved over to Alice. Emmett turned his game back on to distract him from what Edward was about to do.
"I'm sorry Alice. I forgot that piece was the one I wrote for her; did you hear the changes? I think that fits her memory even better than before." Edward smiled at her and waited for her response.
"Yes, it sounded good. I actually like that piece; I have no problem listening to it." Alice attempted with her usual bright tone of voice.
"It's coming soon." Edward's expression was sympathetic with a touch of melancholy longing.
"Eight months to go, her birthday is in September." Alice corrected Edward, although he knew exactly when her birthday was. That was the catalyst for his insistence on them leaving in the first place.
"Actually, I meant... never mind." Edward started and then stood to move away from the couch.
Alice stood and followed him, "Meant what exactly?" She grabbed him by the arm and turned him around.
"I didn't want to bring this up, but I went to the cemetery when we first arrived. She died in March." Edward took a deep breath and waited for the family to gather with the news.
"When?" Esme said with more than a little sadness in her voice.
"That's not important." Edward tried, but even Carlisle shook his head.
"I know it will be hard, that's why I haven't said anything before. It was six months after we left. She went missing, they never found her body." Edward appeared saddened, his shoulders hunched and his face a tapestry of pain and misery.
Esme practically collapsed, Carlisle helping her to the couch. Rosalie's face hardened, becoming unreadable. Emmett got angry, his eyes wide and focused on Edward. Jasper looked calm, but inside he was boiling. Adara gripped her husband's hand tightly, while not intimately familiar with their lost human, she knew each member of the house loved her in their own way. Carlisle, while trying to comfort his wife, was clearly devastated. For several long seconds no one spoke, until Alice turned and started to walk back towards her room.
"I expected some response from you Alice. I know you blame me for leaving her." Edward threw at Alice's back. She stopped and turned without a sound. Then she walked to stand a few feet away from him.
"That's the thing Edward. I don't blame you. She was my best friend, I loved her. I never even said goodbye to her, because I couldn't. I wouldn't have been able to leave. So here I am, living the life you chose for us. I mean, you loved her right? She was your mate. Yet, you seem to have moved on so completely to be flippant about the fact she only lived for six months after we left. How, why? Make me understand." Alice wasn't screaming, her tone even and almost unemotional.
"I didn't mean to appear flippant, when I found out what happened I mourned her. Next September I will celebrate her life. In March I will mourn her death again. My Bella. We will all go visit her soon. I feel no joy that she died so young, but I am happy she did so with her soul intact." Edward said to the room, his words playing a familiar tune.
"No." Alice said resolutely, then turned to go back to her room.
"You chose to leave with us sister. Don't let this news change your belief that what we did was for the best." Edward said after her.
"Of course, brother, how could I forget why we left." Alice said without looking over her shoulder then continued back to her room without another word. She moved back out onto her balcony and listened as the family discussed the trip to visit Bella's gravestone. Rosalie being the only one to refuse to go along with Alice. Then most of the house went out on a hunt, although Alice couldn't really make out who went and who stayed behind. A few minutes later someone came out onto the balcony where she stood.
"You'll never be able to count them all." Alice had gone back to counting snowflakes, and wasn't really paying attention when Rosalie spoke, which startled her as the taller woman moved to stand next to her leaning against the balcony.
"I know, but it gives me something to do." Alice replied wistfully, still counting snowflakes as they fell.
"Have you watched the news, looks like the attacks in Seattle finally stopped." Rosalie turned towards Alice as she spoke, which struck her as odd because Rosalie detested small talk.
"I haven't seen anything about it, no visions at all. News said that there's been nothing for days. I guess that means the Volturi finally stepped in to handle it." Alice realized what Rosalie was doing and thanked her for it internally. The last thing she needed was Edward to eavesdrop into her thoughts, while her mind was directed towards the past it was easy to let her longing to see Bella's chocolate brown eyes just one more time slip through into her conscious mind.
Then a small smile curled at Rosalie's lips as a strange hoot echoed through the forest. "I love that man." Rosalie said before sighing slightly and turning more fully towards Alice. "They are beyond Edward's gift." Alice nodded letting the memories in more fully.
A lingering smile, a gentle touch. The warmth of Bella's skin as she hugged her. A thousand moments, all chaste under the guise of friendship when Alice wanted so much more.
"I never told why I disliked Isabella." Rosalie said softly, pulling Alice out of her daydream.
"Rose, you don't have to…" Alice began to say but Rosalie shook her head.
"Yes, I do." She smiled at Alice while pausing to gather her thoughts. "At first I thought it was because she was choosing this life. Choosing to be with a vampire, effectively condemning herself to this existence. Something I would never inflict on anyone. I wanted more for her, so I was happy when she chose not to come with us. But, after a while I still felt angry inside. Angry with her, for not choosing us. It should've been simple, we left, and she chose life. Yet, it's so much more complicated and it's taken me nearly a century to come to terms with it, and I just figured out why. Isabella was a member of our family; her ghost haunts this place and our memories." Rosalie looked out at the snow-covered lawn towards the edge of the forest. "I think I'm angry at myself, because she was my sister and I never got to tell her that."
They stood in silence, neither sure of what to say next. Until Alice shook her head. "It doesn't matter. She's gone."
Rosalie nodded, "How're you really holding up?"
"We live in the same house, and all I see are memories of her. It feels like she could walk through our door any moment, but now I know that's impossible. I see her in every room, I can hear her laugh. Sometimes, I can still… feel her. It's like she's not really gone. Nothing has changed, nothing ever will, and it's my fault. I left her." Alice slumped onto the railing, wanting desperately to cry. Rosalie rested her hand on her back and leaned in close.
"There are no words that will take it away. But know that I'm here, we all are. We're all going through it too, and we love you Alice. Maybe someday you could find a way to live again for us." Rosalie closed her eyes for a moment, knowing that the sentiment was right but that it wasn't the right time. It was a curse she was well known for; speaking her mind instead of curbing her words to spare someone else's feelings. She thought about trying to apologize, but instead she turned away and headed back to her garage. When she was on the ground she looked back up at Alice. While she could see that Alice looked haunted, Rosalie didn't know the depth to Alice's pain.
Bella, my Bella.
Alice kept repeating the name again and again in her head. Recounting the time, she had gone to Volterra, under the pretense of visiting the Volturi on behalf of her family. She went in with every intention of having them end her life, even going so far as to allow Aro to read her. Something that he had always been keen to do. Yet he seemed shaken by the connection, and while aware of her request, gave her nothing but dismissive pleasantries. He didn't even extend his customary offer to join the ranks of the Volturi. It struck her as odd, but she didn't press the issue.
After she left Volterra, Alice realized the hurt she could've caused. She couldn't abandon her family, especially like that. Which left her trapped. Unable to live her life, and unable to end it. Weak. Immobile. Cursed. She couldn't bring herself to leave them the first time around, through all the guilt and second guessing. Upon her return from Volterra, Jasper began to use his ability to keep her even, manipulating her like a supernatural anti-depressant.
After decades it became clear that nothing was going to lift Alice's malady. She faked it well for the family, even with Edward to an extent. Yet nothing was ever going to change for her. Jasper stepped it up when they returned to Forks, but it was an imperfect fix. The heart of her pain was in a loss she could never recover from. She would've given anything to take it back, but it wasn't an option. So, with nothing left for her she went back to the only thing that seemed to pass the time… Counting snowflakes.
Author's Notes:
I imagine the first question would be, why move this to chapter 4? Well, simply put I wanted the introduction of the Cullens to be as slow burn as the rest of the story. We need to discover them when Isabella does. This also gives us a new perspective, which up until this point has been entirely from Isabella's point of view.
Next would be why shift this into a 3rd person perspective. While I admit some of the pathos is removed by shifting into 3rd person, it also creates narrative consistency. There are no first person chapters in this story anymore, and for good reason. The world is too expansive, the characters too varied. While Isabella and the Cullens are the primary characters, there are other places and people that will have a chance to shine (you may know who if you've read the original).
Finally, why shift the final conversation from Jasper to Rosalie? Well, because Rosalie is important in the story, and I needed to make sure that is established early on. I also wanted to make sure we had consistency in her characterization, which is far more compassionate than she was a century ago.
