Evangeline woke hours later to a shift in the mattress. For a brief moment, she suspected it was Tora coming back to check on her, the girl always her protector. But then she felt Cedric's arms wrap around her torso, pulling her close to him. She couldn't bring herself to acknowledge him verbally, however, she didn't pull herself away, the warmth of his body welcome after having spent so long in the cold attic without adequate heating.
"Come back downstairs," he said softly as he rested his cheek against hers.
She shook her head more out of uncertainty than stubbornness.
"We don't have to talk. I'll sleep elsewhere if you like. I don't want you catching a cold up here."
"It used to suit me fine," she said, leaving out the fact she would have had more than just the summer sheets on the bed and candles lit for warmth.
"Please, Evangeline," he peppered her face with kisses as he spoke, "I'm sorry. I never should have yelled at you."
Her voice shook. "You shouldn't've."
"I'm so sorry."
She couldn't speak. Even if she could, what could she say? She didn't have it in her to say the wrong thing again. She didn't dare say she was sorry, even to mean it in a way where she was sorry this was what they were going through.
Cedric took sharp and sniffly breaths as he held on to her tighter and rocked her gently. He muttered further apologies. He pressed his lips to her cheek. He waited patiently, not willing to risk much else tonight himself.
So much time had passed that he assumed she'd fallen back asleep and even started to drift off himself. At least she hadn't pushed him away. He could take comfort in that. But she eventually spoke, pulling him out of his doze.
"I'm scared, Cedric. If the baby is changing us this quick, what's going to happen once he or she is born? I don't want to lose you as much as you don't want to lose me."
"You're not going to lose me."
"I feel like I already am."
Burying his nose in her hair, he mumbled, "I don't know what came over me tonight. I can't believe all I said... how I said it."
"I said a couple things I regret myself, but I can't take back most of it."
"Like how unhappy you are."
"Frustrated is more like it. And utterly confused."
"What can I do to make it up to you?" he replied.
Turning onto her back, Evangeline reiterated her earlier plea. "Tell me what I'm meant to do or say." She shut her eyes tightly, holding back more tears. "I can't keep trying to figure it out on my own. It's not about pleasing you. It's about not knowing where I fit."
Cupping her face in his hands, he leaned in and kissed her. "You belong here with me. I never want you to doubt that."
"But how do I belong?" She pushed his hands away, speaking seriously. "Yes, I'm your wife, but it's not as simple as all that. I never expected it to be."
"Evangeline, I don't want to talk about—"
"You never do. Not alone with me. That's the problem. You only speak of the way she died and expect the same of me. You haven't given me a chance to live since I've told you."
Cedric sat up. "It's not... comfortable... talking about her... with you alone."
Moving to sit next to him though she kept her bare feet nestled under her to avoid touching the cold floor, she said, "I know it isn't. That's why I haven't pushed. It isn't easy for me, either. I knew her, after all. I knew you two together. I saw your love. I can't pretend I'll ever compare. You'll always love her more. You loved her first."
"That isn't fair," he pointedly said, trying hard to keep his volume level. "I don't want to have to pick who I love or loved more. I love you differently than I loved her. There's no more or less about it."
"Be that as it may, I'm still living in her shadow. I think there's a part of you that compares me to her. I'm not mad about it, but it's becoming a problem now evidently."
"When have I ever said that you do something differently from her? That you should act more like she did?"
"It's more in the way of expectation. You're expecting my pregnancy to be like her last, never mind the six that went well."
"Again, that isn't fair. It only takes once."
"But you're refusing to give me a chance. My worrying about this taking my life isn't going to help me get through it any. You said yourself I need to be at rest."
"So, you want me to pretend I'm not concerned?"
"No," she said firmly, "but I want you to at least try and be hopeful. I can't be strong through it all on my own. I'm scared, too. I'm scared of the pain. I'm scared of the changes to me, to us, and to our family. I need you more now than perhaps I ever will."
He took a deep breath. Without turning his head, he reached over to take her hand.
Evangeline continued. "Intentional or not, there's been a lot of expectation on me as the second wife. I've been expected not to conceive. I don't get to come to bed every night and make love to my husband. I have to mind my place with the children, wondering what oversteps the line between mother and stepmother. At the same time, it's expected of me to have no expectations. All along I should have been joining in on your time with the children. I'm expected not to consider the first wife and carry on as normal. Perhaps even carry on as she might have because that's what you know. I'm not supposed to apologize when I've failed at any of these things. On top of it all, I have to deal with the village's gossip about my being your scullery maid turned wife. That isn't easy to come from myself, never mind what everyone else thinks about it. It's a lot to deal with on a normal day, but now having to deal with pregnancy and having all of the normal worries multiplied? It's too much."
Wrapping an arm around her, Cedric pulled her against his side, kissing her atop her head as he did so. "I only wish you'd said all this sooner."
"How could I? It's as you said, you don't like to talk about her."
"This isn't all about her."
"Everything leads back in that direction."
"I'm not going to pretend that I don't..."
"That you don't miss her," she finished.
"You're not the only one with expectations to live up to."
"I tried to bring her into the conversation in the beginning."
"You also said how happy you were to be my wife."
"I am."
"Even now?" he questioned.
"I could have lived without this evening," she answered truthfully, "but usually? Yes. I am."
"Will you forgive me for that?"
She nodded, though wasn't quite ready to say the words aloud. Instead, she said, "We're going to have to deal with the children. Simon and Tora know."
"Yes, I know," he lamented. "Simon gave me a good talking to."
"Did he now?"
He nodded. "Poor boy's afraid I've scared you off."
"I told him we'd work things out."
To her surprise, he chuckled. "You can take comfort in knowing the children will always take your side."
"I'd rather them not need to pick and choose."
"I'd rather not as well."
"So... what did you say in response to them knowing about the baby?"
"I figure the same as you did. Try to keep it from getting to the younger children and let us find out for sure."
"Good."
"At least we know they won't take it poorly."
Evangeline shrugged. "Simon didn't seem too keen on it, but I suspect he'll come around."
"He hasn't another choice."
They let silence take over for a couple of minutes, still trying to figure out where they stood at the moment. Along with the quiet and the darkness of the room, a draft was present. With a gust of wind hitting the window, Evangeline shivered.
"Well," she said with it, "I suppose we ought to get back downstairs."
Standing, Cedric gathered her shoes and stockings and brought them to the bedside. "We can... try and figure this out tomorrow."
She nodded.
"I truly am sorry. I'm ashamed of myself."
"We have more we need to discuss."
"I know."
"But for tonight, I'd like to forget about it," she said wearily. "All I want now is to sleep."
