I always wished I could've gotten more context on the Cullens' first moments as newborns. Bella took everything so coolly when she turned in BD and basically skipped over all of the newborn confusion that I was kind of really hoping for. There's brief mentions of how tough that first year was for Edward in MS/Twilight (especially with the whole mind reading thing to deal with too), so I hope this chapter does justice to that. Let me know what you think!
It was all too overwhelming.
Just as I thought I'd found peace, the entire world came crashing down on me. The sounds, the smells…the way everything seemed too sharp all at once. While my brain suddenly felt like it had an infinite amount of room to think, that space only seemed to complicate matters when it came to sorting my thoughts. I couldn't concentrate on anything…
Except for the burn.
It was unnervingly easy to focus on just that. It felt nothing like the paralyzing flames from before, but rather a thirst. A need to quench a desire… but a desire for what exactly? No matter how hard I tried to avoid thinking about it, the sensation would linger in my throat, constantly reminding me it was still there.
I couldn't explain any of these feelings. It bothered me. I had a faint memory of the weakness I had felt before the fires started. I must have been very sick. Or was I dying? I was straining to remember, but everything from the past seemed to be obscured in a thick fog.
Stupid, I thought to myself. I was foolish enough to think I had reached heaven. This was clearly an extension of my former hell.
My eyes were the first to notice the changes. The blinding light I had seen was just the daylight coming from a large, open window facing me. It was an overcast day, but the clouds turned the sky into a powerful, bright sheet of white light. Coming to think of it, the word "blinding" seemed inaccurate— I could clearly see the circular shape of the sun hidden behind the clouds. It glowed in a dizzying array of colors that kept on gradually changing as it made its way across the sky. My gaze quickly readjusted and shifted focus toward a collection of dust particles floating in the air.
I followed one of those motes as it settled on a few densely woven fibers of a blanket scrunched up at the foot of the cot I was laying atop. It was astoundingly easy to discern the intricate patterns of the individual threads that formed the pliable fabric. My discoveries felt like they must have taken minutes to unfold, but truthfully, it had only been mere seconds since I'd first opened my eyes. How was I even doing all of this?
I was thoroughly convinced I must have been dreaming or perhaps hallucinating. There was too much happening all at once and I couldn't manage to find a reasonable explanation for any of it.
The shock brought out a jagged breath from my lungs. I realized then I hadn't been breathing since I woke. I inhaled once again, this time catching the taste of something in the air.
It was bitter and stagnant, heavily lingering all around me. I quickly noticed the salty, off-putting flavor was coming from the sheets beneath me. Was that sweat? Confused, I took in another unnecessary breath, but my attention had already shifted elsewhere. The sound of a faint exhale echoed in my ears.
I wasn't alone.
Before I knew it, my legs abruptly launched me into the air. I landed in a crouch with my back facing the furthermost corner of what appeared to be a bedroom. My throat let out a low, rumbling growl as I refocused on the face of a pale, blonde man.
He slowly raised his opened hands to show he wasn't planning to attack, but something in my head was convincing me otherwise.
"I mean you no harm, Edward."
He must be terrified.
Despite the calmness of his voice, my instincts continued to keep me on the defensive. I scrutinized the stranger. He was no older than 25, but seemed to carry himself with the air of someone much older than him. In terms of physique, although I had a thinner build, we seemed to be around the same height. If he attacked, I thought I could take him on.
I quickly scanned the small room for the first time, scoping potential routes for escape. Thanks to my sudden jump, I was completely cornered. My body tensed at the advantage I had foolishly given this person. Hands still raised, the man cautiously took a small step in my direction.
"I know this must all be very disorienting, but I promise I am not here to hurt you. I'm here to help." There must be something else I can do to reassure him…
The man's voice lingered in my head. I couldn't understand why it did, though. He took another slow, deliberate step toward me. I scanned the room again and focused on a window on the far left side of the room. I darted my eyes back to the man and realized I would have to tackle him to leave through the window.
"Don't," he said sternly as soon as he noticed me readying myself to escape.
I don't know if I'll be able to stop him if he tries to leave.
I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to stop the voice from prodding further into my brain. "Who are you?" I asked. It caught me by surprise to hear myself speak. The smooth voice parting my lips felt disconcertingly different from what I thought I remembered.
"I'm Dr. Cullen, but please feel free to just call me Carlisle," he said. I felt him take another measured step toward me. My eyes immediately flashed open, backing further into the wall before hearing a loud cracking sound from behind. My head turned back and I gaped in shock at the sight before me. The previously smooth wood paneling lining the room now had a large hole in the shape of my shoulder blades. The planks had somehow splintered, jutting out of the walls in dangerously sharp wooden shards. How—did I do that?!
Must be more tactful with my approach. He's still incredibly new to all of this. Perhaps if I explain…
I looked back at the man as he knelt to my level. "I'm not sure if you remember me, but you were under my care during your stay at the hospital. The Spanish influenza took a hard toll on you."
It was difficult to piece all the details, but his descriptions brought back a faint picture of a woman's figure lying feebly on a bed. There was a feeling of love mixed with loneliness and… pain?
My mother!
I struggled to find a clear image of her face, but all I could grasp was a deep sense of dread and regret before the memories dissipated. "My mother… She didn't make it…" I mused, more to myself than to Carlisle.
"—Yes," he hesitated. "She passed away. I am very sorry." The sorrow in his tone was palpable. Like he somehow felt responsible for not being able to save her.
"Thank you," I responded flatly. There was a tinge of pain coming from the phantom thoughts I could hardly remember at all now. I tried to search for more memories through the mental fog, but the burn in my throat came back with a pulsing intensity. The discomfort was growing and I didn't know how to get rid of it.
Suddenly, it was all I could think about. My hand rushed to clutch my throat to extinguish the flames. The movement was so quick it frightened me.
"What's happening to me?" I asked. For a moment, my words bounced around inside my head involuntarily before they mixed in with the voice again.
Where should I begin? I don't want to scare him.
I winced at the noise again and Carlisle took note of my expression this time. Could he also hear what I was hearing?
"Should I be scared?" I whispered. The question confused him for a brief second before he spoke again. "When your mother asked me to save you, I did the only thing I knew I could do to make sure of that." I still do not understand how she knew… He took a slight pause, contemplating his next words.
"What I am, what you and I both are, is different," he emphasized.
"The reason the influenza did not kill you is because I–" Carlisle broke off again, worry tainting his smooth features.
Vampire.
The word echoed in my ears. I shook my head and closed my eyes as I tried to ignore the strange idea. No, that couldn't be it. I had to be going insane. "What did you do to me?" I demanded.
"—I turned you into a vampire." He said the words quietly, struggling to elaborate on the subject.
My hands clenched themselves into tight fists. I looked down at them, noticing how pale they looked for the first time. Unnatural. I scrutinized Carlisle's face, trying to find some sort of indication that this was a joke, but all I could see was genuine concern in his expression.
Vampire. That was impossible. Vampires belonged in novels and old wives' tales. They most certainly did not look anything like the peaceful man standing in front of me. "I-I don't understand," I replied.
"I am sure you've likely been feeling at odds with yourself. There are things you can do that are beyond regular understanding." He looked at me reassuringly, waiting for me to register his words, then continued.
"It takes some time to adjust, but these new abilities are a part of who we are." He noted my confused expression as my gaze drifted back to the broken wooden planks behind me. It was impossible to shake the revulsion I felt from knowing I had done that by myself. "The newfound strength is among one of those capabilities. And don't worry about the walls, I haven't been very fond of that wood grain to begin with," he quipped.
I should be laughing, appreciating his lighthearted attitude, but the shock mixed in with the pulsing thirst in my throat made it impossible to react accordingly. It was so easy for him to maintain his composure around me. I could not understand how or why he was doing it.
"The thirst you're feeling can be very uncomfortable and overwhelming at first. We'll need to hunt soon and get some blood in your system to make it more manageable."
Blood. My throat flared up thinking of the word. An unexpected urge to attack filled my insides. I could feel my body shake as it groaned in frustration from my inaction. It needed blood. I needed it. The intense desire confused me for a moment before I finally dawned upon the obvious.
Vampires drink blood to survive. Vampires hunt humans. Vampires—
"No– nonono. I-I can't do this! I can't be—" My words cut out before I could say it. Killer. I scrambled to get up. I needed to get out of here.
Oh no. He misunderstood.
"It's not what you think!" He spoke quickly to try and ease my tension, but I was beyond reason at this point. Just as I was about to spring toward the door, Carlisle blocked my path.
"Get OUT of my way!" I growled, bending into a defensive crouch. Get OUT—Get OUT of my—Get OUT of my way! The looping echo of my words suddenly pounded my head.I staggered, unable shake the din out of my thoughts.
"No," he said firmly. His back straightened as he held his ground in front of me. "I am not here fight you, but please just let me explain."
—Won't be able to fight him…It's important…I need him to understand…He's frightened… simply be forthright—
I tried to keep my eyes fixed on Carlisle, but the internal dialogue kept berating me. The more agitated I grew, the louder the voice, no, the noise, became. I couldn't focus. Overwhelmed…he needs to feed…doesn't have to suffer…
Disarmed, I fell to my knees, angrily banging my hands against my temples. The pain, the voices, the emotions— I couldn't get a hold of myself. Would this ever stop?!
"Hey– it's all right! None of this is your fault." Carlisle's words cut through my mental panic. He left his post from blocking the door to kneel beside to me. "No one needs to get hurt. There is no need to hunt humans."
"What do you mean?"
"We do have to feed on blood, that much is true, but it does not have to be that of humans. Animal blood works just as well."
Animals? I furrowed my brows, trying to piece together the new information.
"I'm aware none of this makes sense at the moment, but if you'll allow me, I can show you." The sincerity of his voice made me want to believe him, but something inside of me kept warning against it. Can't trust him. Don't trust him. Leave. Now.
The suggestions repeated themselves in my head, but I could not bring myself to do anything out of fear of losing control again.
I reconsidered running; but if I did, where would I even go? I already knew the answer: nowhere.
I had no true connections to my past life, no place to call home. This stranger was my only lifeline to avoiding the vile thing that so desperately wanted to reign over me.
"I don't expect you to trust me immediately. I understand how confusing all of this must be." As soon as he spoke, unfamiliar images laced with bursts of emotions flashed in my head. A dark cellar, pain, miles upon miles of wilderness and thirst. I flinched at the pictures. They were foreign, but they somehow felt disturbingly real. Flustered, I tried to refocus on Carlisle's face. "I promise you'll feel much better after we hunt."
My body tensed again. "Not humans. Just animals," he repeated reassuringly.
"Right. Just animals," I breathed out.
