Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to The West Wing, Hamilton, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, or The Beatles (courtesy of the Chapter title).

Note:

1) I apologize for posting a week late; this is a big and important chapter and I had to work out some kinks before I could post it.

2)This takes place in the episode 17 People.

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Sam's POV

"Ainsley? Ainsley!" Sam bellowed over the howling boiler as he walked through the dungeon-like hallway to her office with a rolled up copy of the speech in his hand. 'Wow it smells like a locker room down here more than usual. When's the last time the air filters were replaced down here? Because she could get sick, being down here in this moldy air all the time.'

Clickety clack-clack cluckety click click clackety cluck cluck.* Her dainty fingers danced on the keyboard to classical music.

"Ainsley." Sam repeated as he turned the corner at the door of the stairs.

"Ainsley." He entered her office.

"Hello, Sam." Ainsley said.

"Didn't ya hear me shouting?" Sam said.

"Yes, I did." Ainsley replied.

"And...?" Sam asked.

"I chose to ignore it." Ainsley said.

"Because...?" Sam asked.

"You were shoutin'." Ainsley said.

"You're adorable." He said as he stepped in her office. 'Especially wearing that FBI sweatshirt with your hair tied up that way.'

"Yet ill-adored." Ainsley said.

"Go figure." Sam said. 'Do you have any idea how much I adore you?'

"Yeah." Ainsley said.

Sam picked up a newspaper that sat on her filing cabinet. "What're you doin'?"

"I'm goin' up to Smith College tomorrow." Ainsley said.

'So much for going to the Correspondents Dinner with her.' Why?"

"It's my alma mater." She explained.

"Reunion?" He tossed the paper back onto the filing cabinet.

"No, the women's studies department's having a panel on resurrecting the ERA." Ainsley said.

"Who else's on the panel?" Sam asked as he walked to the bookshelf on the other side of her office, where he examined a model Navy plane and saw a picture of Ainsley from her Navy Fighter Pilot days. 'Hot diggedy damn, that's badass sexy.'

"Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem, …Anne Coulter, Naomi Wolf..." Ainsley leaned back in her chair and then got up to retrieve more computer paper from her bookshelf.

"Ya know, something like 40 percent ... of all women ... oppose the ERA, ... and in my entire lifetime, ... I've never met one of 'em." Sam said.

Ainsley held out her dainty hand as she turned back towards her desk. "Ainsley Hayes, nice to meet you." She flashed a smile with a tilt of her head.

'No.' Sam stopped in utter shock. "You're not..."

"Yes." Ainsley's large green eyes twinkled.

"You're not!" Sam shouted.

"Yes." Ainsley returned to her desk.

"You're not, you're not, you're NOT one of those people!" Sam's volume escalated.

She deposited the paper into the printer shaft. "Sam, if, by those people, you're referring to Episcopalians..."

"You're goin' back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?!" He railed as he gestured with the rolled up speech in his hand.

"An' get some decent pizza, yeah!" She clarified as her fingers clacked on the keyboard.

'Of course food's a motivating factor.' Sam thought. "They're gonna hate you." 'As if that's stopped you from doing something before.'

"Sam, I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina…. Ya don't think they hated me the first time around?" Ainsley said.

'Why did ya go there then?' "Yeah."

"What're you doin'?" Ainsley asked.

"I wanna punch up some of the jokes for the Correspondents' Dinner, an' I'm looking for people left in the building who are funny. I can't find any, so I came to you." Sam made his way to the door.

Ainsley batted her eyelashes. "I would think, Sam, … with your infectious sense of humor, …. you would have no trouble."

'God, Ainsley, I can't think straight when you does that.' "Do ya wanna help me or not?" 'Please?'

"I need to do this." Ainsley said.

"We've ordered Chinese food." Sam said.

"Okay." Her jade eyes twinkled at Sam and she sashayed out of her office as he held up the paper as if to playfully swat her.

XXXXXXXXX

Ainsley's POV

"Hey!" Sam said as he and Ainsley joined Josh, Donna, Ed, and Larry in the Roosevelt Room.

" 'I don't mind, just don't stick me with the dinner check?' " Josh read the rough draft of the speech.

"I know, it's like he's playing Grossinger's." Sam said.

" 'I know some of you are troubled by my frequent use of Latin references. Well, all I can say is 'No te preocupas'." Donna read.

"The joke there's that it's in Spanish." Larry said.

"It's that kind of Latin." Ed continued.

"And that's probably where you'll want your first dead audience joke." Donna said.

"We're not gonna need a dead audience joke." Josh insisted.

"Donna, who gave you those beautiful flowers on your desk?" Ainsley served herself some mandarin orange chicken.

"I did. Me. Those are from me." Josh boasted.

"What's the occasion?" Ainsley asked.

"Nothing." Donna spat.

"Our anniversary." Josh said.

"Our not anniversary." Donna corrected.

"Donna doesn't like to talk 'bout it." Josh said.

"I really don't." Donna confirmed.

"Okay." Ainsley furrowed her brow as she put the takeout container back on the table. 'Only Donna and Josh would have a 'not anniversary'.'

"A few years ago, Donna's boyfriend broke up with her, so she started working for Josh. But then, the boyfriend told her to come back, and she did. And then they broke up, and she came back to work." Sam explained and then he saw Donna's glaring eyes. "I thought ya meant you didn't want to talk about it. I'm a spokesman ... it's in my blood."

'Oh Sam….' Ainsley suppresse a laugh. "Well, they're nice flowers." Ainsley said to Josh.

"And I'd also like to thank our host, Bill Maher..." Larry started.

"We're not making fun of the host." Sam said.

"Who are we makin' fun of?" asked Ainsley.

"Republicans!" Sam, Josh, Ed, and Larry said in unison Ainsley rolled her eyes.

"I only wish the Speaker were here tonight, but he's held up in negotiations on the Hill. He's demanding his latest pre-nup include a line item veto?" Sam said.

"There it is!" Josh gestured to Sam.

"All right! Two groups. ... You guys over there, we'll stay over here." Sam said.

"I wanna be in the other group." Ainsley pouted as she batted her eyelash.

"Why?" Sam asked.

"The Kung Pao Chicken." Ainsley said.

Sam rolled his bright blue eyes. "Get the Kung Pao Chicken an' come back here! Let's go! In a half hour, I wanna make Toby laugh."

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Sam's POV

"All right... Here we go!" Sam clapped his hands together as Josh returned to the Roosevelt Room. "Equality … of rights … under the law,… shall not be denied … or abridged… by the United States, … or any state, … on account … of sex." Sam proclaimed as he read a passage from a law book in his hand. He slammed the book shut.

"What's the joke?" Josh asked.

"It's not a joke." Sam sat down.

"It's the Equal Rights Amendment." Ainsley shook her head.

"When'd that come back?" Josh asked.

"Read what these guys have." Donna handed Josh the notepad.

"Shall not … be abridged… or denied… on account… of sex." Sam repeated. "Very dangerous language... This must be stopped… What could possibly be your problem with the ERA?"

Ainsley smiled. "It's redundant."

'What?' Sam thought.

"Why're we talking 'bout he ERA?" asked Josh.

"She's doin' a thing." Sam said.

"Yeah, but it's not back or anything though, is it?" Josh asked.

"Certainly, … not if Phyllis Schlafly here has her way." Sam said. 'Hopefully she won't, but she could definitely have her way with me…. not the real Phyllis Schlafly, I mean Ainsley….. you know what, I'll just stop before I hurt myself.'

"Look..." Ainsley threw down her pencil and stood up.

"It's redundant?" Sam creased his brow. 'What? What does that mean?... No, I know what redundant means… but what does she mean?'

"I'm a low maintenance lady. I've got the 14th Amendment. I'm fine!" She grabbed a Stout beer.

"How about..." Sam looked at Ainsley as Donna attempted to hide a smile.

Ainsley continued as she grabbed some paper and returned to her seat. "The 14th Amendment, which says that a citizen of the United States is anyone that's born here, … that's me... and that no citizen can be denied due process. I'm covered. … Make a law for somebody else."

Josh stood with one hand behind his head. "Alright, here's a joke based on the premise that the party afterwards is hard to get into and that the President is the Commander-In-Chief. "I hear the Bloomberg party is gonna be hard to get into this year but I'm not worried. I'm going to the party with the 82nd Airborne.'"

"And then the President says 'Wow, I haven't heard a room this quiet since we lost the signal on Galileo.' " Donna said.

"Or 'Wow, I haven't seen my staff update their resumes this quickly since the last time I TANKED at the Correspondents' Dinner!' " Josh's volume escalated as he leaned over the table.

"Josh." Donna said.

"Yeah?"

"When you yell, you make it harder for people to find the funny." Donna said.

"Hey, who gave you those flowers on your desk?" Josh asked.

"A mean man who can't read a calendar." Donna snarled.

"Sam." Josh motioned for Sam to follow him to the corner.

"We're doin' fine. Toby's gonna come in here an' nail it. This is his thing." Sam whispered.

"Yeah, cut the Speaker joke, okay? Mrs. Bartlet might not be there." Josh said.

"Okay." Sam complied. 'That's odd.'

"Alright, so uh... we're gonna be fine here."

"No! We're doing great!" Sam turned to the group. "We're doin' great everybody, right?"

"Sam, we've got one here but it involves a John Wayne impersonation an' a sock puppet." Larry said.

Sam whispered to Josh. "Yeah, we're eatin' it." 'When's Toby gonna get here?'

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam's POV

"Self-deprecation." Sam walked around the room.

"Yes." Ed agreed.

"Self-deprecation's what we need." Sam continued.

"Yes."

"Self-deprecation's the appetizer of charm." Sam stated.

"We need jokes about the staff." Ed fiddled with his employee badge.

"We need jokes about the staff." Sam agreed.

"Let's start with you." Ainsley batted her eyelashes at him.

"Problem is there aren't many jokes you can make about me."

Donna spun around. "How about this. Um, 'Knock knock.' 'Who's there?' 'Sam and his prostitute friend.' "

Ainsley, Ed and Larry guffawed as Sam's eyes shot daggers at Donna. 'WHAT THE LIVING HELL, DONNA?! YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT AINSLEY.' "See, I think that was a bit of misdirected anger there." Sam fired back.

"I'm okay with that." Donna retorted.

'Ok Donna. Two can play at that game.' "Well, in that case, Ainsley, you know why I got you flowers in April instead of February? 'Cause ya ditched me the first time around to go back to the guy who ditched you the first time around, only to have him ditch you the second time around."

THWACK!* Donna smacked Josh upside the back of his head.

"Ow! What the hell? That was him!" Josh whined.

"He was being you!" Donna scolded.

"Well, ... in fairness,... I think everybody should have a turn." Josh smirked. "Sam, is there anything we can pull, anything funny we can recycle?"

"Yeah, pull something I wrote from October called 'Government-wide Accountability for Merit System Principles.' " Sam said.

"That one was a barn-burner,... wasn't it?" Josh groaned as he stood up from the table in search of the speech.

"Do ya have any idea how much grief I took from him when I came back?" Donna asked.

"How much?" Sam said.

"None. … I walked in the door, and he said, 'Thank God, there's a pile of stuff on the desk.'" Donna spat as she made notes for the speech. "This is his way. …. He's just going to snark me every April. Prince of passive-aggressive behavior."

"What does "snark" mean?" Sam asked.

"I dunno, but he's doing it." Donna answered.

"There any coffee left?" Sam asked.

"In the mess." Ed replied.

"Anybody want anything?" Sam stood up.

"Do ya think they have cheesecake down there?" Ainsley asked.

'There's no humanly possible way you can be hungry.' Sam checked his watch. "It's quarter after midnight. The pastry chef usually stays on 'til dawn." 'ButI'd like for you to come with me.'

"I'll go see if there is." Ainsley skipped out of the Roosevelt room with Sam.

"Ya know, we should make a joke about women, 'cause there's no law against that or paying them less money than men." Sam said as they turned the corner.

"Well, there is a law against that. It's the Pay Equity Act. It passed in 1964, when women were making 59 cents to the dollar." Ainsley corrected.

"What're ya makin' now?" Sam inquired.

"79 cents." Ainsley said.

"So, ... everything's fine." Sam said.

"No, there still are some problems, but I'm not worried 'cause the federal government's coming to the rescue." Ainsley leaned into Sam's side.

"Look..." Sam started to say.

"You think pay disparity's 'cause some sexist in human resources hired two people for equal positions and paid the man more?" Ainsley asked.

"Oftentimes..." Sam started.

"And oftentimes women make less money over the course of their lifetimes because they choose to." Ainsley said.

"Oh, goodnight nurse!" Sam exclaimed as they went down the stairs. "They don't choose to make less money. They're financially punished for having kids."

"They made a choice to have kids. And since facts matter,-" Ainsley corrected.

"Well, ... not necessarily if you guys have your way, but that's a different can of tuna. … I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500." Sam declared.

"Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram. As I was saying, who's financially punishing the female entrepreneurs making 49 cents to the dollar, especially considering only 29 percent of them list making money as their number one priority in compared to the 76 percent of male entrepreneurs who list making money as their primary priority? Unmarried, childless women actually make more than their male counterparts, assuming you you control for all other variables. And furthermore, if women could be paid less money than men for the same work with the same qualifications, why wouldn't all of these companies hire women exclusively because could pay them less for the same work?"

'Damn she's good.' "If the Amendment's redundant, then what's your problem if it's passed or not?" He asked as they entered the Mess.

"Because I'm a Republican! ... Have we met? ... I believe that every time the federal government hands down a new law, it leaves for the rest of us a little less freedom. …. So I say, let's just stick to the ones we absolutely need in order to have water come out of the faucet and our cars not stolen. That is my problem with passing a redundant law." Ainsley said as they gathered the cups and saucers. "Sam?"

"Yeah?" Sam said.

"The all-night pastry chef, you were just kidding about that, right?" Ainsley said.

"Yeah." Sam said as she shoved the tray at Sam.

"Ainsley, didya really think that we can afford to have an all night pastry chef at the White House?"

"No, but I was hopeful. It wouldn't be the first time the Federal Government wasted tax dollars." Ainsley pointed out. "Hey Sam, do ya know if they have peaches?"

Sam stared at her. "Peaches? …. You want peaches?"

"Yeah, ya know, like the fruit." Ainsley said.

"I know what a peach is, Ainse, but why do you want one?" Sam asked.

"Republicans eat fruit too, Sam." Ainsley said.

"Really? I didn't know that you could digest it. Aren't you a different species?" Sam said.

Ainsley rolled her eyes. "We do eat it, we just don't wanna be pressured by a government regulation or law. We all know how that worked for Prohibition."

"That's comparing apples to oranges; one encourages-" Sam started.

"-the public to eat healthy food and the other banned alcohol consumption. But they are comparable because they are both authoritarian measures to control the individual's choice, whether or not they should make that choice." Ainsley said.

"We also have laws against murdering others. Should we give the people the freedom to do that?" Sam asked.

"No, because murder violates the victim's right to life. Talk about comparing apples to oranges." Their fingertips met with tentative desire. "Sam."

"Yeah?" Sam asked.

"The-"

"Oh right, the peaches. …. There should be some in here. I'll get some down for you." Sam climbed up the ladder in the storage closet.

Ainsley giggled when Sam tumbled to the floor with the strawberries. "Lemme help you with that Sam." Ainsley crouched down to the floor and then their hands touched as they both reached for the pick up the last strawberry. "Oh. Sorry." Sam removed his hand when the vacuum cleaner's rumble startled them.

"It's okay…. No worries." Ainsley assured him as the ripe, bruised strawberries' juice trickled onto her hand just before they returned to the main area of the Mess. Sam and Ainsley collided into the staircase floor going up the stairs. They cachinnated for a few moments and then gazed into each other's eyes. The strawberry aroma on her breath and her skin intoxicated Sam as her coffee-soaked sweatshirt seeped into his gray sweater. With their lips less than an inch apart, Sam gently caressed her jaw and the small of Ainsley's back as her sticky strawberry hands interlaced behind his neck. "Um… we should probably ... clean this up ... and get more coffee…." Sam said.

Ainsley nodded. "They'll be … wondering where we are ….. and be needing coffee…. to get through….. the speech writing."

"Yeah." Sam bit his lip.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam's POV

"What the hell took so long?" Ed asked Sam as he and Ainsley entered with a tray of coffee and cups.

Donna made eye contact with Sam just before he explained. "We got the coffee, but then I spilled it coming up the stairs, ya know, the first couple of times... Where's Josh?"

"You sent 'im to get the thing." Donna studied both Sam and Ainsley's awkward body language.

"For how long? … I've had time to spill coffee, you know, a lot." Sam said.

"I'll find him." Donna left the room.

"So, guys..." Sam said.

"Yeah?" Ed looked up at Sam.

"When I was downstairs, I made a decision. I'm gonna register with the Republican Party, and I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people." Sam said.

"We also like beef." Ainsley handed out the coffee.

"Ya know, you insist government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose, but don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom." Sam said.

"Yeah? Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter's had an abortion..." Ainsley said.

"We believe in the ERA." Sam said.

"Well, go get 'em." Ainsley said.

"How can you have an objection to something that says...?" Sam asked.

Ainsley stood up in opposition. "Because it's humiliating! …. A new amendment we vote on, declaring that I am equal under the law to a man? … I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before... I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me. And I went to law school just to make sure." Ainsley paused and then opened the double doors. "And with that, ….. I'm going back down to the mess, ….. because I thought…... I may have seen, there, ….. a peach." Her eyes danced just before she left.

"I could've countered that, but I'd already moved on to other things in my head." Sam sat down. "Hey guys, when's Toby gonna be back?"

"No idea." Ed and Larry said together.