Disclaimer: George Lucas owns Star Wars
A Shift in the Force: Chapter Forty-Two: Contemplations
AN: Can you believe that ASITF turns 3 today? It's kind of insane how long I've been writing it!
Concerning what's left in book 2: I can say there's one major arc left and a mission or two before a time jump. Book 2 is probably going to be one of the longer books in ASITF and it's already at 27 chapters. But I promise everything going on should keep your interest. :)
The first thing Talik did after she'd hugged Sabé tight enough to possibly break a few bones was force her into the nearest 'fresher, telling her that she reeked of bacta, which was probably a fair assessment, but left Sabé feeling slightly miffed.
She found herself staring at the image reflected in the mirror, slightly intrigued.
The dark spiraling tattoo along the side of her neck, spilling over her shoulder was something that Carina had gotten more as a flight of fancy, but Sabé was sure it was more her style than Carina's.
She touched the swirls, thinking of the rolling waves of the sea and the warm wind that Naboo offered, nothing like Coruscant, where nothing grew unless you grew it yourself.
Sabé's plants on Coruscant were probably all dead. Unless one of the Jedi that was known to meditate on her veranda had decided to water them.
Her hand cupped the stump of her right arm, smoothing over the long-healed scars that not even time in a bacta tank could rid her of. She'd grown far too used to having two arms, albeit one that was artificial.
A frown wormed its way onto her lips as she stared at her reflection, her hair dyed black hair growing out to reveal the brown roots, the style short and choppy with uneven sides. The shorter half wasn't as short as it had been when she'd first had it cut, but it was still rather short.
There was a sudden knock at the door that had Sabé jolting.
"It's me," came the soft voice, "do you mind if I come in?"
Sabé sighed, sitting down heavily on the toilet. "Go ahead," she said.
The door slid open and shut behind Sola who was holding a bottle in her hand.
"Hi," Sola said, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she gave her older sister a faint smile. "How're you doing?"
Sabé thought about the blur of the red saberstaff and screams echoing in her ears. "I've been better," Sabé conceded, running a hand through her hair that was long enough to do so. "How's your baby?" She still remembered telling Sola it was going to be a girl.
"Pooja's healthy, and a girl," Sola gave a small smile but it faltered and faded, earning Sabé's attention.
"What's wrong?" Sabé asked, befuddled.
"Darred's…" Sola swallowed thickly, blinking furiously, even though it'd been more than a year now. "Darred's gone now. There –there was an accident."
"Oh." Sabé's face fell. She'd only met Darred the last time she'd been on the planet, but he'd been very kind, and clearly a very good father. "Oh, Sola, I'm so sorry. How are you doing?"
Sola scrubbed at her eyes, rubbing away the tears before they could fall. "I'm handling it…it's not easy, but Ryoo and Pooja help…and having you back helps."
Somehow Sabé doubted it.
Sola brushed back a stray loose hair, shaking her head out. "I came in to help you. So, this mixture should strip the dye out of your hair and I could cut it for you, so it's even…if you wanted."
Sabé looked at her reflection in the mirror.
"If you don't mind," Sabé finally said decisively, tugging on a dark lock with a frown.
It took Sola a few moments to leave the 'fresher and grab the necessary supplies to cut her hair, and then she had Sabé turn away from her on the toilet as she cut the hair away slowly.
"I don't think I've ever seen you with your hair out of braids," Sola mentioned, just to make conversation.
"It usually gets in my way when it's not," Sabé admitted, listening to her snip away at her hair, the stained locks falling around her. "I've been braiding it since I was a youngling…I guess it just kind of stuck."
"Well, your hair's going to be a little too short for braids for awhile," Sola pointed out. "Maybe you want to try something else for now."
"Maybe," Sabé muttered to herself.
"We need to get you a new arm."
Sabé blinked, looking down at the stump. "That's all right," she found herself saying, "I'll make a replacement myself."
"You sure?" Sola asked, finishing the last cut before squirting the substance from the bottle onto her hands, rubbing her hands together before lathering it into her hair. She'd helped Padmé bathe when she was smaller and had always wondered if Sabé would do the same. She liked to think Sabé would; Sabé had a maternal sort of air about her, particularly when Talik was around.
"I'm not as good at mechanics as Anakin, but I'm fair enough," Sabé gave a soft chuckle. "I think I'd like it better, making it myself, I mean."
Sola opted not to point out that it might be a bit difficult making an artificial arm with only one in use, she didn't think it would be very well received.
"Pooja's Force-sensitive," she mentioned, waiting for the mixture to soak into her hair and Sabé turned around cautiously, her eyebrows arching in surprise.
"How do you feel about it?" Sabé asked and Sola had to wonder if she was surprised that her niece was Force-sensitive.
"I took her to Coruscant when you were…away." Sola tiptoed around the matter at hand. She didn't understand the Jedi as much as Padmé did, and she didn't understand what Sabé had gone through the past year, other than what she could see of the scars on her abdomen and back. She knew enough to know what Sabé had become, albeit for a good cause, was the exact opposite of a Jedi, hence why she'd been stripped of title as one. "Talik looked her over…and do you know what she said?"
"Something wise beyond her years, no doubt." Sabé's lips curled faintly, her expression entirely too fond.
"She said she thought the Jedi would have to change quite a bit before I'd want to consider my daughter join them."
Sabé smiled. "Sounds like me. I must be rubbing off on her."
There were so many flaws with the Jedi Order that sometimes Sabé couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better to take a hint from Djinn Altis and split off from the Jedi to form her own sect. Even in her head it sounded ludicrous, but…
"The last thing I remember," Sabé said suddenly and Sola blinked, "was screaming in the Jedi Temple…how did I even get to Varykino?"
Sabé definitely wasn't imagining the spike of unease she'd sensed from her sister as she had Sabé stand, leaning her head into the refresher, slowly washing the mixture from her hair.
"Padmé bullied them into it, from what I hear," Sola said, almost evasively, bringing her back out.
That got Sabé's attention. "I didn't think anyone could do that," she said, narrowing her eyes.
"Well, Padmé Amidala can do anything she sets her mind to." Sola's smile didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Sola—"
"Sabé," Sola drew her up short, "I'm sure that Talik will explain everything to you when you're out of the refresher, all right?"
Sabé frowned as Sola swept up the hair, stuffing it into the trash bin before leaving the way she'd come, leaving Sabé feeling a bit flummoxed.
Had something happened?
Sabé sighed before turning on the refresher and stepping into the water. Something had happened, there was no denying it. She could sense it in the back of Talik's mind, but she hadn't yet mentioned it.
Was Sabé going to like what she heard?
It was only Sabé was clothed once more –in what appeared to be a sleep shirt and pants so she was guessing that Talik didn't have high hopes for her ability to remain conscious– that she got a good look at her hair.
The style was much shorter than it'd been, but at least it looked a bit more even, in a style that she thought Nubians would call 'pixie'. She wrinkled her nose. It wasn't so bad, and it would grow out, so it wasn't the worst thing.
Sabé exhaled sharply and stepped out of the refresher to see Arthree was waiting for her, beeping encouragements that had her smiling as she reached down to pat his domed head with her only hand.
She'd had Jay-Seven shut down for the time being; he was just wasting his battery life and there wasn't much use for a security droid on Naboo.
But Arthree rolled close to her heels as she moved through the hall, keeping her hand against the wall the case that her legs weren't strong enough to hold her up.
"Oh, Sabé!" Her mother cried when she saw her step into the sitting room, moving around a couch in order to reach her side, wrapping her arms tightly around Sabé. "Father and I've been so worried."
"I'm sorry," Sabé said weakly, feeling so very small despite now being thirty years of age. "I tried to do the right thing and it blew up in my face."
"No," Jobal shook her head, running her fingers through Sabé's still-wet hair, "you were brave, no matter what that blasted Jedi Council says."
What did that mean?
Her father hugged her next before breaking to cup her cheeks, looking on her with a painfully soft expression.
"What?" Sabé asked, feeling self-conscious.
"Can't a father admire his beautiful daughter that he never sees?"
Sabé rolled her eyes, a faint smile curving her lips.
"Ah! A smile!" he cried. "I must be doing well."
Sabé shook her head, exasperated, glancing to the side to see Talik resting comfortably in an armchair with her legs crossed, waiting patiently for their reunion to conclude. Sola was keeping a close eye on her daughters. Pooja was held in her lap, rocked every so often and Ryoo, a small girl of four now was watching Sabé in interest.
Ryoo barely knew her aunt, but Sabé was certain she recognized her on some level, because of how she smiled and waved.
Sabé grinned back, fluttering her fingers in response.
"Come sit down," Ruwee added, trying to take both her hands, only belatedly realizing that she had only one. It was such a strange thing to forget about, but Sabé didn't fault him; she hadn't ever made it a habit to remove her arm.
"Is Padmé still at the palace?" Sabé asked, sitting down next to her mother, who interlocked their hands right away as if she was worried that Sabé would disappear otherwise.
"Yes, but she'll be back once the day is done," Ruwee promised.
Sabé had thought she sensed Padmé's presence at some point, but it had been a bit more hazy, so she couldn't be completely sure.
She eyes flitted towards Talik, who was keeping her eyes steadily down, her uneasiness rolling off in waves.
"Tell me," Sabé's words stopped just short of being a command and Talik winced, finally bringing her eyes up to meet Sabé's. "I can feel your emotions roiling, Talik…just…just tell me."
Talik chewed on her lip briefly. "Well, um, you're no longer a Jedi, Master."
Sabé blinked once, and then twice. The words went in one ear and out the other as she stared blankly at Talik.
"What?" she asked, her tone bleak and her words flat.
Evidently that had been the kind of response that Talik hadn't really been hoping for.
"I mean, it's not really permanent, I think Yoda wanted to kind of leave it up to you, but if you wanted to leave they gave you an out but there's also a chance for you to come back—" Talik knew she was rambling, but at this point there was no turning back.
"I've—" The words failed in her throat and the air around her felt unbelievably heavy. "I've been exiled?"
Her thoughts drifted to Meetra Surik, the Jedi Exile, whose powers had been moderate at best until it was discovered that her power grew with every life taken, and whom many on the Council had considered to be a perfect opportunity to discover how and why Jedi fell in the first place. Surik was where Sabé had gotten the idea to cut herself off from the Force when she was a child, though it had ultimately backfired.
"For now," Talik acquiesced, standing this time to approach her, "Master—"
"I'm not your master anymore," Sabé said faintly, still trying to wrap her head around the idea that she'd been exiled from the very organization that she'd dedicated her life to, the one that she'd lost her arm and her peace of mind and mentality of the dichotomy of light and dark to.
"Sabé," Talik said gently still, "if the Jedi don't want you, they don't deserve you."
Sabé's eyes flashed up to meet Talik's, the expression stunned and Talik froze. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Sabé said finally, feeling a heaviness like durasteel in her bones. "You just…reminded me of Korinth'Kel."
Talik's face grew pained. "I'm sorry," she said quickly.
Sabé opened her mouth to say that she hadn't meant it the way it had come out, but the words failed in her throat.
Exiling Jedi wasn't exactly a common thing to do within the Order, and other Jedi had fallen to the Sith before and come back, were welcomed back. The pain stabbed at her heart.
She removed her hand from her mother's and stood slowly and uncertainly.
"Sabé?"
"I-I'm tired," Sabé finally managed. "I need rest…and time."
Arthree gave an encouraging sort of buzz that made her smile faintly as she vanished back to the room that she'd used the last time she was in Varykino.
"I think that went well," Sola said dryly and Talik frowned.
"It could've gone worse," Talik conceded, before moving to follow after her former master. "Sabé…how do you feel?"
Even she didn't know what to say as her master sat down heavily on the bed, her expression lost.
"I gave thirty years to the Jedi Order," Sabé said slowly, her head bowed slightly, her eyes fixed on her knees. She looked so much younger than the weathered woman that she was. "Thirty years…if I'm not a Jedi then what am I supposed to be?"
Talik knelt in front of Sabé, taking her hands in her own, the contrast rather evident. "I don't have all the answers, Sabé…but I think you should do what you think is best, and if the Jedi aren't a part of it, then don't go back to them, but if you decide that the Jedi are still a part of what you are, then you should know that there are people there that love you and will always stand by your side."
And into her hands she deposited the Heart of Fire that Aayla had given her to in turn give to Sabé.
Sabé's eyes widened as she took it in, hands keeping a firm grip on the warm stone. "Where did you get this?" she demanded.
"Master Aayla wanted me to give it to you." Talik was smiling before bringing out the bag she'd packed for Sabé. "I've also got a lot of your spare clothes from 500 Republica and your Holocron and that saberstaff that Obi-Wan said you used against him…I left your lightsabers in your room, though."
The Force hummed in approval in her ear.
"That's probably for the best," Sabé found herself saying. "They've served their purpose."
"Master?" Talik slipped in her surprise. Sabé loved those lightsabers, she'd dutifully carved leaf patterns into the metallic surface when she'd only been ten years old. It had been symbolic, Sabé had once said. The Force gave her life and it was life, it was only fitting that her lightsabers reflect that.
"It's all right," Sabé smiled, somewhat sadly. "Those 'sabers belonged to who I was before…I think I've changed too much over the past year to even consider picking them up again."
Talik's eyes softened. "Sabé…"
Sabé cupped her old Padawan's cheek, her thumb smoothing over the skin there. "Sometimes I wonder who was supposed to be the master between us."
"I'm a Jedi Healer, I'm supposed to care," Talik's fiery personality showed itself and Sabé smiled.
"Oh, my darling, Tali," Sabé said. "You care so much…but this isn't something you can fix. It's time for me to forge my own path and decide if the Jedi are really something I can see a future with."
Talik swallowed. "Are you going to meditate?"
"Yes," Sabé agreed.
"For a long time?"
"Undoubtedly."
"Maybe you should at least wait until Padmé sees you," Talik suggested, inclining her head just slightly towards her old master. "And when you're ready…I want to hear about what you remember."
That was going to be an interesting conversation.
Sabé removed her hand from Talik's cheek, maneuvering herself onto the bed lengthwise. "I look forward to it," she said and Talik was almost certain that Sabé was lying, but with her it was so difficult to tell; Sabé had made a living lying, after all.
"Sleep well," was all Talik said as she left Sabé, holding tightly to the Heart of Fire, closing her eyes, her breathing deepening as the seconds wore on.
Talik sighed and slid the door shut behind her.
For the first time in a very long time, Sabé didn't dream. There was nothing terrifying to make her heart race, there were no screams echoing in her ears, there was just the silence.
Sabé didn't know if she liked that more or less.
She blinked her eyes open slowly, her bones weighing heavily under her skin as she looked to her side in order to see a young woman sitting there, datapad in hand, keeping her focus there.
Sabé hadn't seen her youngest sister since she'd left Naboo after her meditative retreat had concluded, but she looked as focused as she was the queen, brown locks in curls falling around her face as she frowned over what she saw on the datapad.
"One day," Sabé said thickly, making Padmé jump, "you're going to need to take a break."
Padmé's smile was impossibly wide. "When was the last time you ever took a break, Sabé?"
"To be fair, I'm a very busy person," Sabé had to admit, moving so she was closer to a sitting position than a lying one.
Padmé tried not to look at her sister's missing arm. "How are you feeling?" she asked softly.
"I am getting tired of people asking me that." Sabé's tone was rather bland with just a hint of irritation. "The answer is going to be fine until something goes wrong."
"That's the spirit!"
Padmé was entirely too cheerful, but that might've been because she was overcompensating; Sabé tried not to think too much about it, only making a noise of surprise when her sister put down her datapad in order to hug Sabé.
"It's all right," Sabé said, wondering how many times she'd said that phrase in the past few hours. It had to have been more than four, right? "I'm all right."
"I'm glad," Padmé said into Sabé's shoulder and Sabé raised a hand to cup the back of Padmé's head, her fingers tangling into the curls. "Talik told me she broke the news to you…I'm so sorry."
Sabé released her sister to fall back against the pillows with a sigh and Padmé leaned her head against Sabé's shoulder.
"I'm still bitter about it," Sabé admitted, "but I'm not completely surprised. The Jedi don't really like it when Jedi fall to the Dark Side. It probably would've been better for them if I'd just left on my own…Count Dooku did that. Dark Jedi are one thing, but a Sith is completely different."
"What's the difference?" Padmé couldn't help but ask curiously.
"Ideology. Dark Jedi are simply those that use the Dark Side of the Force, but they don't completely understand it or even believe in it…sometimes it just drives them mad from over-exposure."
"Like Korinth'Kel?"
Sabé thought of Korinth'Kel from what was so long ago, a cold smirk on her lips, eyes impossibly bright and long fingers holding a red-bladed lightsaber, a far cry from the image she'd seen in her comatose state, the silver eyes gleaming with ancient knowledge and her smile kind.
"Yes," she said finally, "like Korinth'Kel."
"How do you really feel?" Padmé pressed. "About the Order's decision?"
Anakin had a lot to say on the matter, and it had been one of his data-messages that she'd been reading. He was angry and Padmé was his only outlet, the only one to try to help him rationalize how he felt without Sabé around. She wondered if Sabé knew what an impact she'd had on his life.
Sabé said nothing for the longest time, gathering her thoughts.
"Lost," she said at long last. "There are so many things that just –they make me so angry and I can't figure out if it's because I was a Sith for so long or if I'm finally expressing all the emotions the Jedi taught me to bury deep inside."
Padmé squeezed her only hand. "To be angry is to be human."
"And yet it is not the Jedi way," Sabé said archly.
"Then it's a good thing you're not a Jedi."
The words sent a visceral shock through Sabé's entire system. It seemed like such a simple thing, admitting that. Sabé had once been so proud to be a Jedi, no matter how many escalating arguments she'd had with various members of the High Council concerning the Code and how the Jedi Order had remained stagnant, refusing to change with the times. She'd been proud to be one of the youngest members of the Council of First Knowledge. She'd been proud to be a Jedi Shadow.
Sabé frowned.
Or had she?
Jedi Shadows were a part of the Jedi Sentinels, but she had never officially been a part of them; she'd been trained as a Jedi Guardian first and foremost, her ability in lightsaber combat emphasized. It had only been right after she'd been knighted that Knight Maw had approached her with the opportunity to be a Jedi Shadow.
"Yes," Sabé said finally. "I suppose it is."
Chancellor Sheev Palpatine considered the enormous opportunity that he had been granted. It was as though the stars were smiling down on him.
When Captain Panaka had mentioned that Sabé Amidala was being brought back to Naboo by her youngest sister within a bacta tank, it had been most intriguing, particularly the woman herself had been revealed to have fallen to the Sith.
It was luck, then, that none of the assassins that he'd hired to kill the bounty hunter masquerading under the name of Darth, because he had a holo-recording of Sabé Amidala, yellow-eyed, trying her hardest to strangle Anakin Skywalker (thus the moment being the only time he would ever be grateful for Obi-Wan Kenobi).
When his elderly apprentice Darth Tyrannus had said that there was a possibility she could turn, he had to admit, that this outcome was far greater than he'd been expecting. That she had actually willingly turned was the best news he'd heard all day. That she had returned to the Light now meant little, in fact, the whole experience had undoubtedly made her more susceptible to the Dark.
And though Anakin was the ultimate prize, his power, his abilities, Sabé was the close second and sooner or later it would come time to enact his plans that would bring the Republic to its knees.
AN: Sabé's got road ahead of her, and maybe you'll be seeing Obi-Wan and Anakin sooner rather than later, but I make no promises.
As always: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!
