"PROMOTION?!"
"Yes." Komamura patiently waited for his Third Seat to stop freaking out as she ran in circles around him, hands flailing about in the air while she kept screaming about how bad an idea it would be to promote her of all people.
Considering that Kurui is an expert on Shunpo, her usual running speed is enough to kick up a mini tornado in the room that they are at. She is now a black blur from how fast she is running.
"Calm down." He reached out a hand and grabbed her, a feat that not many can boast about, before picking her up in the air like a struggling lost puppy. Said lost puppy is still kicking her legs and swinging her arms while yelling out loud.
"-put me as VICE-CAPTAIN?! I will doom the entire Seireitei! Then what will happen next?! Put me as Captain?! OH! MY! GAWD! What if I decide to cast an illusion from the moon because I'm feeling bored or use my stone collection to try and end world hunger with a snap of my fingers-"
"Kurui."
"-or I decide to become a pirate, laughing hohoho and a bottle of rum! and set sail for a place far far away from here to find the ultimate treasure with my only companion who is a boy made of rubber and wearing a straw hat while laughing shishishi the entire time-"
"Kurui."
"-and instead we found out that Davy Jones Locker is a real thing and in it are seven objects that an evil wizard had split his soul into in his mad quest for attaining immortality and to conquer the wizarding world-"
"Kurui."
"- but BAM! IT'S NOT VOLDEMORT! The seven objects were actually created by a wizard by the name of Zeref- mmph!"
"If even the barbarian known as Zaraki managed to be a Captain, then you can be a Vice-Captain." Komamura decided that enough was enough as with practiced ease, he randomly took a nearby orange and stuffed it in Kurui's mouth, preventing her from going on and on. "Question is, all Thirteen Divisions currently have their Vice-Captains positions filled, but Captain Commander is open to the idea of having two Vice-Captains in a division, meaning that someone would have to share the seat with you. Central 46 had also reluctantly agreed to this arrangement."
"Mm! Mmmm!"
Right, she cannot speak with the orange in her mouth.
"You can just take the orange out of your mouth already, you know?" He reminded the girl as she continues to flail her limbs about childishly from where she is still dangling in midair in his grasp. All she needs to do to speak properly is to use her hand and take the orange out, or simply stop biting on the orange.
Of course, she chose to continue biting on it. Should have known that something like this would have happened.
"Mmm! Mm!"
Never mind. If she wants to continue biting on the orange for whatever strange reasons, then so be it. He is immune to her eccentricities at this point. One doesn't become a Captain without having the ability to be adaptable to any and all situations thrown his way.
"If you want to join Tetsuzaemon here as the Seventh Division's Vice-Captain, you are more than welcomed, although I highly encourage you to try out the other divisions to get a wider exposure." Komamura carried on in his explanation as he turned around to get the form for Kurui to fill in if she wants to accept the promotion. "I don't think I need to remind you, but Soi Fon and Kurotsuchi would probably murder you the moment you join their division. So choose any division but theirs."
"Mm!"
"Here's the-"
Komamura turned back around and-
Wait
Since when did Kurui change her uniform's colour to a light pink? And where's the orange? Why is it that there's now a piece of bamboo in the orange's place? There's even a large black haori she's wearing over her now pink uniform. Where did she even get the large haori from?
What just happened in that short moment that he turned around?
"One day, Kurui. One day, I will find out how you keep managing to do the impossible."
"Mm!"
He shoved the piece of paper in her hands.
"Don't take too long to decide on whether you want to take up the promotion, and if you do, which Division you want to join. Got it?"
Kurui gave him a salute.
"Mm!"
"Why."
Miss.
"Are."
He missed again.
"You."
"MMM!"
"Holding a piece of bamboo in your mouth?"
Kuchiki Byakuya watched his sister grew up, but that doesn't offer him immunity against Kurui's endless array of weird and crazy antics. This time, she had decided that holding onto a piece of bamboo in her mouth for the entire day sounds like a fun thing to do.
He had heard of Komamura recommending Kurui to get a promotion to Vice-Captain, because despite how weird she can be at times, there's no hiding her intelligence and strength. That fact alone made him swell with pride for his little sister. However, given that all Vice-Captain slots are currently filled, she will have to share that position with someone else who is already a Vice-Captain. The Captain Commander and a few other Captains had agreed that his little sister is more than ready to be a Vice-Captain, and she was even given the freedom to choose which division she wants to join.
Right now, she is bothering him in his office in the Sixth Division, waving that piece of paper in her hand right in his face. He can understand her wanting to wear something pink, but that piece of bamboo has to go. That is ridiculous.
So naturally, his first reaction when he saw that offending piece of wood held in her mouth is to take it away.
He hasn't been successful thus far. Even if he's not being entirely serious in catching her, it goes to show just how much Kurui had improved in her Shunpo if she can now constantly evade him.
"Mm! Mm Mm Mm~~"
"Take that piece of wood away from your mouth and I might be able to understand you."
"Mmm!"
His gaze trailed to her uniform, which is now pink in colour instead of the standard black.
"And remember to turn your uniform back into its original colour. I don't know how you turned it pink, but I know you can turn it back to black. As nobles, we need to uphold the rules-"
"Mm Mm Mmmmmmmm!"
The Captain of the Sixth Division let out a long and resigned sigh as his palm met his face. Give him an entire army of hollows to fight and he can clear it within seconds. Give him his little sister and it will take an entire week just for him to convince her to take out something as stupid as a piece of bamboo that she is currently holding using her mouth.
What possessed her to do it anyway? Demons?
"Kurui."
"Mm?"
"Can you just take out-"
"Mmmm!"
"I will rip it with Senbonzakura."
"Mm!"
"Capta- Kurui?"
"Mm? Mmm Mmm!"
Kurui jumped excitedly on the spot and waved wildly at Renji when he made his sudden appearance in Byakuya's office.
"Why are you biting onto a piece of bamboo?"
"That's what I've been asking her for the past ten minutes."
"Mm!"
Kurui shoved the piece of paper in her hand into Renji's, who quickly read through it.
"Wait, promotion? That's great! Why not come to the Sixth?"
"Mm Mm Mm!" Kurui shook her head violently as she pointed a finger at Byakuya, who only raised an eyebrow at the gesture as he continues to sign the large pile of paperwork on his desk.
"Oh, right. Captain would probably chain you down in his office to get you to do actual work."
"Mm!" Kurui nodded exaggeratedly at Renji's words. Byakuya's eyes narrowed a little in confusion. Renji can actually understand all of Kurui's 'Mm'?
"Then which division are you planning to join? Or maybe just remain at the Seventh?"
Kurui shuddered as she somehow produced the same pair of shades that Iba Tetsuzaemon usually wears out of thin air and did a fine imitation of him before doing a big 'X' with her arms while shaking her head.
"Right, so you don't want to work with Tetsuzaemon, because he's no fun."
"Mm!"
"Then which division?"
Kurui put a finger to her chin in thought as she paced about the room, walking to and fro from one end of the room to another. After about half a minute, she slammed a closed fist into her open palm in realisation, letting out yet another 'Mm!' as a lightbulb flickered into existence above her head for a short split second before disappearing.
Byakuya blinked and rubbed his eyes with his hand before squinting it to observe his sister once more. Where did the lightbulb come from? That's not possible.
Or maybe he pulled too many all nighters and now he is having hallucinations? That must be it. Hisana had not been very happy about how he is overworking himself recently. He will need to curb his workaholic tendencies a little if he doesn't want to worry her.
"Oi, Kurui. Where did the lightbulb come from?"
"Mm?" Kurui tilted her head to a side like an innocent puppy at Renji's question, her eyes staring innocently wide.
"Don't Mm me. I was sure that I saw it."
Byakuya blinked. Ah, so he wasn't hallucinating then.
Kurui blinked her eyes a few more times in confusion before doing that same fist hitting palm action again. The lightbulb flickered into existence once more as Kurui pointed a finger at it, as if saying 'Oh? This one?'
Renji made a quick grab for the lightbulb, only for the lightbulb to disappear even before he got near it. Renji narrowed his eyes as he slowly turned his head towards Kurui.
"One day, I will find out how you keep doing all your weird shit."
"I'd rather you don't." Byakuya commented as he continues to sign off the papers, ignoring the fact that Kurui had somehow defied all common sense and the laws which made up their reality. "For the sake of our sanity, just let her be. I don't want to know, find out, or even understand how she could do half the things she did on a regular basis. Stay your hand. That is an order."
"Mm Mm Mm~"
"You had decided on a division already, haven't you?" Byakuya cut all the nonsensical things short as he brought their attention back to the topic at hand once more. "Which one?"
Should he be worried that even he himself isn't sure if he would want to have his sister in his division? On one hand, he can better protect her this way. On the other hand, who knows what mayhem Kurui might stir up. Knowing her, she will stir something up.
Kurui held up ten fingers.
"Tenth Division?"
"Why."
Hitsugaya Toshiro gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, trying very hard to rein in his temper, irritation, and frustration the moment he spotted that annoying Kuchiki striding through the main entrance of the Tenth Division barracks, lugging an entire cart of her belongings behind her and humming an obnoxiously loud tune while doing so.
"Why must she choose to come here? What did I do to deserve this?"
"Hitsugaya-kun, the temperature's getting a little chilly here." Matsumoto said in a silky voice as she continues to chug alcohol down her throat.
The wielder of ice forcibly clamped down on the release of his power, just in time as a blur dashed past him and knocked him into the ground.
"Kurui-chan!"
"Mm Mm!"
"Kurui-chan!"
"Mm Mm!"
Here it goes again. And why is that annoying midget biting onto a piece of bamboo? Can't she just let go of it and speak properly like another normal person?
Time seemed to slow a little as the two most annoying people in the Seireitei met each other in a huge hug. Common sense had been defied once more as right before their very eyes, their surroundings transformed into an endless beach of white sand with lapping waves and the setting sun as the background. There are even seagulls flying overhead while squawking, as if laughing at his plight and this madness that is currently eroding the last remnants of his sanity.
Stupid Kurui and her stupid sunset of youth. How did she even summon an entire beach here?!
"Mm Mm Mm!" Kurui waved at him excitedly while jumping up and down.
"It's Hitsugaya to you, Kuchiki." He stressed, already hearing the 'SHIRO-KUN!' in her three Mms earlier.
"Mm Mm Mmmmmmm~"
"It's Hitsugaya. Hit-su-ga-ya."
"Mm Mm Mm."
His hand slowly reached for the blade strapped onto his back. If reasoning with this annoying midget doesn't work, then maybe violence will. If this is all it takes to get his sanity back, then so be it. He will deal with the repercussions from Kuchiki Byakuya later. He's sure that he can figure something out.
"Now, now, Shiro-kun. That isn't really nice." Captain Shiba Isshin put on an exaggerated look of disappointment as the Captain grabbed onto his wrist with a hand while shaking his head slowly from side to side.
"It's either Hitsugaya or Toshiro. Unhand me, Captain. That annoying fly needs to die."
"Mm Mm Mm~" Kurui whined as she flapped her arms about like a bird, as if she's hurt by her words.
He calls bullshit. That annoying midget is doing this just to annoy him, because she derives joy and satisfaction from watching him suffer.
Besides, it doesn't matter even if his Captain is preventing him drawing his blade since he technically does not need to draw it out to invoke his Shikai.
"Sit upon-"
"Mm Mm Mm~!"
He knew it. His workload only increased the moment the midget became the Vice-Captain of the Tenth Division, a position she now jointly shared with Matsumoto.
"Cheers!"
"Mm!"
"Bring out more!"
Hitsugaya Toshiro's eye began to twitch uncontrollably when he saw his Captain and two Vice-Captains partying with countless bottles of empty sakes strewn about in the office the moment he entered it. WHY is it that he's the only sane one out of the four of them?
"Captain. Vice-Captains." He said in an eerily calm voice as he placed the pile of papers he had been carrying here at an untouched corner of the office. "It's not even noon yet. WHY are you drinking?"
"Oh, Toshiro!" An obviously drunk Captain Shiba slung an arm around him while bringing a sake bottle near his face. Toshiro scrunched up his nose at the smell. "Come on, drink up! This is good stuff!"
"Mm Mm Mm~"
"It's Hitsugaya to you, Kuchiki."
"Mm Mm Mm~~~~"
"We don't even need to work because Toshiro had already taken care of all the paperwork~ He is such a good boy~" A drunken Matsumoto slurred as she patted him on the head, which increased the frequency of the twitching of his eye. He is not a pet dog.
"And good boys need to be rewarded!"
Without warning, another sake bottle was shoved into his face as Matsumoto tried to forcibly drug him with the whole bottle of the alcoholic beverage.
"W-What the? Let me go! Unhand me!"
"Resistance is futile!"
"Mm!"
"Just take you reward, Shiro-kun~"
"What in tarnation?! I'm not taking part in the crazy things the three-"
"Open his mouth!"
"Aye aye, Captain!"
"Mm!"
"No! I WON'T be subdued! I won't- Mmph! Mm! Mmmmmmmmppphhh!"
"Oh, wow, this is definitely not a sight for children." As if suddenly turning sober, Shiba Isshin used his hands to cover Kurui's eyes to prevent her from witnessing the R Rated scene in front of them. Instead of chugging the sake down Toshiro's throat, Matsumoto, in her severely drunken state, had accidentally tripped and fell onto the white-haired boy and is now suffocating him with her large breasts.
"Mm? Mm Mm?"
"No, no, my dear Kurui. You are still too young to be seeing this."
"MMPH! MM! MMMMMMMPPHHH!"
Why is Toshiro struggling to get out from his current situation? It's heaven's blessing! A situation that many men would have died for! Death by suffocation from huge breasts! Matsumoto's breasts! That's eternal paradise!
Goes to show how much of a boy he still is. A true man will just take it all even if it cost him his life, no questions asked. That is what being a man among men truly means, it is when a man comprehended this thought that he reached true enlightenment. The realisation of such an enlightening moment cannot be taught, it can only be experienced.
It may be a little too early, but this experience is precisely what Toshiro needs to grow from boy to man.
"Mm?"
"Nah, nah, Kurui. Not yet." Shiba Isshin's hands are still firmly covering Kurui's eyes as Toshiro futilely tried to squirm his way out from how Matsumoto is now having a death grip over him and smothering him with her breasts, talking incoherent things like needing to give a cute boy like Toshiro some womanly love. She's obviously still drunk from emptying more than ten crates of sake earlier.
It's a wonder that she is still alive and not dying from kidney failure.
"You need to understand, Kurui. I cannot tell you what exactly is going on right now, but this is a necessary rite of passage for all boys to become a man. Toshiro needs to undergo this. I'm sure Matsumoto doesn't mind this at all."
"Mm."
"Yeah, we need to keep this a secret from your brother. He will rip me a new one if he knew that I taught you how to drink. This is your first time drinking, right? How are you such a good drinker on your first try?"
"Mm Mm~~"
"Right, of course you would have already tried drinking behind your brother's back."
"MMMPPHH! MMMMMMMMPPHHH!"
"Don't be shy, Shiro-kun~ What will Hinamori say if you reject her advances in the future because you are too inexperienced in picking up her subtle clues? Or miss the right opportunity because you were too shy in accepting her womanly love? You need to get this tsundere shyness out of you! Isn't that right, Captain?"
"Of course!" Isshin did his signature good guy pose as Kurui mimicked him despite being unable to see a thing with his hand over her eyes. "I leave it to you to make Toshiro a real man, Matsumoto! Man among men! This is for his own good!"
"Mm!"
"Consider it done, Captain!"
"MMMPPHHH! MMMMMPPPPPHHHH!"
