"WHAT do you mean Captain Shiba went missing?"
"Exactly like I said, Vice-Captain Kuchiki." Toshiro said in irritation. He already has too many things to handle upon his Captain's disappearance. He is really not in the mood to be entertaining the annoying Kuchiki girl that is his Vice-Captain.
"All we know is that Captain had made a visit to the Human World. As to where exactly, we don't know. All we know is that it has been two weeks since then and no one is able to find neither hide nor hair about him."
Kurui did an audible click of her tongue as she folded her arms. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere, as if contemplating about some nonsensical nefarious scheme about the 101 things that could have happened to Shiba Isshin.
"I see. Thanks for the info, Shiro-kun."
"It's Hitsugaya-san to you, Vice-Captain Kuchiki." Toshiro emphasised, his right eyebrow twitching in obvious annoyance.
"Eh, only when you managed to grow taller than me. Until then, Shiro-kun!"
Kurui vanished in a flicker as she did a cheery wave, leaving Toshiro behind as he shouted at her disappearing form. She's only taller than him by three centimeters. THREE!
"IT'S HITSUGAYA TO YOU, KUCHIKI!"
"IT'S VICE-CAPTAIN KUCHIKI TO YOU, SHIRO-KUN!"
It's not all that bad, living in the Human World.
Sure, he had lost his powers and there is a high chance that he might never get it back. He is now powerless and defenceless against any enemies that he might have made as a former Captain of the Gotei 13. If Yamamoto found out about what he did, he had no doubt that the strict elder will order the execution of himself, Masaki, and maybe even the whole of his clan. Just because he broke the laws of Soul Society.
But did he regret saving Masaki?
No, he didn't.
He still finds it a pity that he can no longer hear Engetsu's voice but he knows his partner will understand. If all goes well, their separation will only be temporary. It will be hard for him, living the life of a human as a Shinigami. While he is now a human, he is still in essence, a Shinigami. Assuming that he doesn't get himself killed while still in human form, he will definitely live to see the passing of his wife and children, if he ever got around to having any. And when Masaki passes on, his powers will return.
To live long enough to see the passing of his entire family if he ever has one. That is the price he will have to pay.
Right now, he and Urahara are working on trying to adapt him to living in the Human World. He is currently learning about medicine since he has some knowledge of it as Shiba Isshin. If all goes well, he will be able to get a doctor's license in the human world by the end of the year so that he can have a stable job.
He let out a sigh as he took a break from reading all the boring medical books that Urahara had so generously donated to him. From where the weird shopkeeper found them, Isshin had no clue.
He stood up and walked to the kitchen of his small apartment to get a drink. Urahara had offered him a job in his little shop but Isshin had refused. While he is grateful to the man for helping him save Masaki, he still doesn't fully trust him. There isn't a single soul that isn't Yoruichi that can ever get a good read on him. For now, Isshin works part-time in a few odd jobs around town to get by, managing to secure a small apartment for himself. Hopefully, this arrangement can last him until he gets his doctor's license.
His jaw nearly dropped onto the ground when he saw who was sitting on his kitchen countertop.
"Hi Captain Shiba! Glad to see you are alright!"
Isshin closed his eyes, took a deep breath, did a mental count to ten, and opened his eyes again.
Nope, his eyes are working fine. Kuchiki Kurui is indeed waving at him in that usual cheery manner. Her Shinigami robes had been changed into human clothes. Is she using a Gigai? That has to be it. There's no other way she can interact with him otherwise. He had lost his ability to interact with Souls and Hollows the moment he lost his powers and became an ordinary human.
Still, just where did she get a Gigai from?
"Kurui-chan." He breathed out a sigh and rested his forehead against his palm. "Not that I'm unhappy to see you, but…"
"Don't worry! I won't tell a single soul about what happened! Pinky promise!"
"Thank you." Isshin thanked the teenage girl sincerely. While Kurui's actions can be described as weird, she is fiercely loyal to her friends. If she gave her word, she will see it through unless she has very good reasons to go back on it.
"Mou~ Life will be so boring without you around! Who will tease Shiro-kun with me now that you are gone! Our 'Make-Shiro-Youthful-Again Project' now has to be put on indefinite hiatus! Wah~"
"I'm sure you alone are able to make him youthful again." Isshin let out a hearty laugh, one that he hadn't had in the confusing two weeks in the Human World. He then narrowed his eyes at her.
"You won't get into trouble for sneaking here, will you? And where did you get a Gigai from?"
"Have some faith in me, Captain!" Kurui flapped her arms animatedly as she threw a mini tantrum. "I am the awesome Kurui! I fooled the entire Second Division!"
"Of course, how could I forget about that?" Isshin drawled out in amusement. It's true Kurui's skills in stealth are almost second to none. The only ones that can match her are probably Sui-Feng and Yoruichi. If Kurui doesn't want to be found, then she wouldn't be found.
"And this Gigai is pretty cool, isn't it? I got it from clown-face!"
"Mayuri? How did you manage to get one from him?"
"Well, I may or may not have just waltzed into the Twelfth Division empty handed and I may or may not have accidentally grabbed onto a Gigai that happened to be in the right place and at the right time…"
"You mean you stole it." Isshin deadpanned. Of course she did. What made him think otherwise?
"I didn't say that!" Kurui exclaimed as she pointed an accusing finger at him. "Everything was just a happy coincidence! Coincidence! Lady Luck was smiling at me! I am a lucky person! Believe it!"
"Yeah, and black youthful hair will grow on old Yama's shining head again." Isshin snorted before realising that something is very, very wrong.
His feelings became one of dread when he finally noticed the eerie silence from the girl, who is now stroking her chin in thought as her head angled upwards at 45 degrees.
"Hmm… That seems to be a nice idea…"
"You can't be serious."
"Why not? I mean, can you imagine it? Captain Commander with HAIR?!"
"No."
"See?! That is precisely the point!"
"Kurui-chan, no."
"Kurui-chan, yes!"
"That aside, I have a favour to ask of you." Isshin diverted Kurui's suicidal thoughts away as his composure got a little more serious. "I know it is a lot to ask, but if you can, help me to take care of-"
"I will help the Shiba clan if they ever need it. I will try my best. You can count on me, Captain."
"Thanks." He said sincerely as he ruffled her hair fondly. "That means a lot to me."
"Weeeeell, it comes at a price…"
"Alright, you little terror. Name your price." He said in amusement and in mock anger.
"If you ever become a father, I will be the godmother of your children?"
"No. You will definitely terrorise them with your antics and traumatise them for life."
"What about just your firstborn then? Just your firstborn! Pleeeeeeeeeeassssee? Pretty pretty please?"
"You are asking me to offer my firstborn to you? What are you? A devil?"
"Muahaha! I am the Devil Kurui! The incarnation of sacrifice! Offer your firstborn to me or- ACK!"
"Alright, whatever, I offer my firstborn to you as sacrifice and now you are my firstborn's godmother." Isshin said in amusement as he chopped his hand down on Kurui's head, cutting her off before she went ranting on and on with her evil monologue. She will never stop otherwise. "Happy now?"
"Very!" Kurui cheered as she continued to chat with him just like old times. Isshin indulged her. They both know that it will be at least a few decades, if not a century, before they can talk to each other like this again.
But why is his sixth sense screaming at him that it was a wrong choice to let Kurui be his firstborn's godmother?
"So this is the result?"
Gin looked on with Yachiru at the small container of cream resting in Kurui's hand. She's crazy. This is madness. The three of them had done some really nasty and ballsy pranks before but nothing can be compared with what they are scheming right now.
"I had to practically blackmail clown-face with everything I have to get him to create this 'Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream'. We only have enough for three tries so we abso-really-lutely cannot fail, Ginny, Yachiru. I cannot stress this enough."
"Yay! Captain Commander with hair!"
"Only if we managed to somehow get him to apply it on his shining bald head." Gin helpfully reminded the Vice-Captain of the Eleventh Division. "There's no way he's going to let us do that to him."
"That makes it all the more fun, ne?"
"Enough for three tries, right?" Gin asked Kurui for confirmation which she returned with a solemn nod. A snakish grin slowly worked its way on his face.
"Then how 'bout a little competition? Each of us has only one try to make our dear Captain Commander's barren head grow hair again. Whoever managed it first is the winner and the holder of the title 'Ultimate Prankster of the Seireitei', how 'bout it?"
Judging from how both Kurui's and Yachiru's eyes lit up at his proposal, Gin knew that they had accepted his challenge.
Oh this will be fun alright.
Look left.
No guards. Good.
Look right.
One guard. Wait for him to pass by… now!
With a hop and a leap, Kusajishi Yachiru silently leapt to the wooden beam above without any guards in the First Division barracks noticing her presence. She felt for the small bottle of cream hidden in her robes. Good, it's still there.
She will be the first to complete the best prank of the century! She will be the one to hold the title of 'Ultimate Prankster of the Seireitei'! She will make Ken-chan proud and Rui-chan and Ginny acknowledge her as their better!
Like Kurui, sneaking around is her specialty. Evading the silly guards of the First Division is no problem to her. These buffoons are too stupid and slow!
Her idea is a simple yet brilliant one. The objective is to make old man Yama grow hair, right? Then it's simple! She will simply mix her portion of the 'Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream' into his shampoo! That's it! All she has to do is to sneak into the Captain Commander's bathroom and tada! Black hair old man Yama!
She purposely picked a time where she knew the strongest being in Seireitei is out of the First Division barracks. It wasn't hard to get Ken-chan to do something silly that warrants the old man to get out of the First Division to scold Kenny like he always does for accidentally destroying something again. This is her only chance!
She pressed her back against the wall outside of the Captain Commander's room and pressed her ear against it. Nobody's inside as far as she can tell. Good. She slowly and silently slid the shoji door little by little and took a peek. Nobody. Nothing. She quickly entered the room she wasn't supposed to be in, closed the door behind her and carefully tiptoed around the traps she can spot that the Captain Commander set in his room to catch any would-be invaders.
Like an Onmitsukido, she stealthily and quickly checked the bathroom. Nothing. Another quick sweeping look of her surroundings got her to spot the bottle of what must be shampoo. Even bald people have to use shampoo to take care of their scalp, she checked with Pachinko Head to be double sure about that. With great glee, she opened up the bottle of Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream and was about to mix it in-
"Vice-Captain Kusajishi."
She let out a high-pitched EEK and she might have jumped several meters up in fright. She slowly turned around while shaking with a sheepish smile on her face.
"C-C-Captain Commander? Uh, Hi Captain Commander! I was about to see if you have any sweets like usu-"
The Captain Commander's gaze merely travelled to the bottle of Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream in her hand, which Yachiru swiftly hid behind her back before her real motives were exposed.
"Sweets are in the kitchen, not in the bathroom."
"R-Right! I must have gotten lost on the way here! Hehehe…"
Yachiru slowly inched her way out towards the exit under Shigekuni Yamamoto's watchful gaze. She was about to walk out of the room and swiftly bolt out of here when the aged warrior called after her once more.
"Vice-Captain Kusajishi."
"Y-Yes?!" She froze in her movements with her back ramrod straight upon the sudden calling of her name. Strange, she's usually not so afraid of this old man but getting caught red-handed like that really made her shiver all over for some reason.
"I like my head the way it is."
Aw crap. He knew.
This is really a tricky prank to pull off, but hey! If he could do it while the other two Vice-Captains can't, then it means that he is the Ultimate Prankster of the Seireitei, right? 'Sides, he's the Captain here! There's no way he's gonna to lose to two Vice-Captains!
He doesn't know what Yachiru and Kurui are gonna do to be perfectly honest with himself, but he has his own plan. The sun had been rather harsh lately and many people had gotten lots and lots of sunburns when they were up and about doing their patrols. Guess what would be selling like hotcakes right now?
Sunblock.
He's darn sure that even the Captain Commander applies sunblock nowadays because that's how hot the Seireitei is right now. The sun rays are merciless. The Captain Commander goes on his patrols rather regularly and that means that he has to apply sunblock rather regularly too. And if there's one thing that Gin knows for sure, it's that the Captain Commander applies sunblock at the top of his head too! Because that's the area where the sun will constantly shine on!
Gin cannot help but snigger at the thought of his grand plan. If he succeeded, not only will the Captain Commander grow hair on the top of his head, he will grow hair everywhere on his body! Like a hairy monster! This is it! This will be the ultimate prank in the history of Seireitei! Muahahaha!
This, is called strategy. Sticking by Aizen's side for so long has its upsides, it seems.
"Come and see! Come and see! Hot deals! Buy one get two free!"
He decided to take this chance to make a killing by actually setting up a random stall at the road right outside the First Division barracks and selling actual sunblock. Why give up the chance to make a quick buck when it's right in front of you?
And there's now a loooooong queue of Shinigamis waiting to buy his sunblocks. So long that he is starting to believe that the only thing longer is the released form of Shinso. Still, his target had not appeared yet. He's still waiting for him to come out.
He wasn't disappointed. It took everything he had to control his excitement when the Captain Commander himself walked out of the barracks to see what was causing all this commotion.
"Captain Commander!" Gin waved excitedly at Shigekuni Yamamoto in his usual energetic self. "You want some sunblock? Buy one get two free! While stocks last!"
The Captain Commander's facial expression didn't give anything away, but the aged warrior walked up nonetheless as the long queue of shinigamis greeted their Captain Commander when they spotted him. The aged warrior merely acknowledged them with a nod of his head and waved at them with a hand to get them to continue whatever they were doing.
Gin wasted no time in selling his product to his Captain Commander.
"Best product ya would ever find in the Seireitei, Sir! Made from the best herbs and has this refreshing smell that keeps you energised the whole day! Protects ya from the sun and the elements and totally waterproof! Tested it myself and I have to say it's the best sunblock I'd ever used! Whaddya say, Captain Commander? Want one? I can even give ya a free sample! How 'bout it?"
The Captain Commander merely looked at the sunblocks on display with a deep look of contemplation. A little push is needed then.
"I can even give ya a ten- no, twenty percent discount!"
"Five bottles then."
Yes! YES! HE TOOK IT! HIS PRANK IS DONE! IT'S A SUCCESS! HE'S NOW THE UNDISPUTED ULTIMATE PRANKSTER OF SEIREITEI!
"Coming right up!" Gin immediately packed the sunblocks into a bag. These are the special ones that he made that have the Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream mixed in it just for his dear Captain Commander. Just imagining the Captain Commander applying these to his body and then- MUAHAHAHA!
"I even packed another ten extra because it's buy one get two free! Nice doing business with ya, Captain Commander!"
Yamamoto merely gave a nod as he handed over the payment before hobbling off with the bag of modified sunblocks in hand. Yes! HE DID IT! THE PRANK IS DONE! WOOHOO!
There's no ruining his good mood. Gin turned back to the queue and got right back to attend to his long queue of customers with renewed gusto. The faster he finishes, the faster he can use his earnings to throw a big party and celebrate! Woo!
"Come and see! Come and see! Hot deals! Best sunblock in the Seireitei! Even our dear Captain Commander bought some! Buy one get two free! Buy one get two free!"
"Captain, what's that?"
"Hmm?" Yamamoto took a look at what his Vice-Captain is pointing at. "Oh? That bag? I recently bought some really good sunblock from Ichimaru. I plan to give it out to our men because patrolling in this hot weather has been taking its toll on them. Sunburns aren't pleasant."
"That's nice of you, Captain. Do you need me to help distribute among our men?"
"That will be a great help. Please do, Chojiro."
And thus when Chojiro walked out of Yamamoto's office with the bag in hand and a skip in his steps, he totally missed the faint smirk on his Captain's face and the low chuckle he gave out.
'Trying to prank me? The two of you are at least a thousand years too early, brats.'
"Captain Commandeeeeer!"
"Vice-Captain Kuchiki." Yamamoto greeted when the girl wriggled into his office from the window again. He took a look at the clock. It's a little late. Kurui usually don't visit him at this hour.
"You have to help me, Captain Commander! You have to!"
"I already did." Yamamoto said slowly while stroking his long beard. "I didn't let Vice-Captain Kusajishi or Captain Ichimaru succeed, did I?"
"B-B-But that would only mean a draw between us at most!" Kurui waved her arms animatedly and held up a small container in her palm. "To be the true Ultimate Prankster of Seireitei I have to make you grow hair on the top of your head using this Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream!"
Yamamoto let out a low hum as he gave the issue some thought.
"You have a minute to convince me. Starting from now."
"Uh, uh!" Kurui visibly flustered for a second at the sudden chance given to her before starting to go on her tirade. "Firstly, you are the Captain Commander! People look up to you for your strength, right? So what's the first impression they get when they see you? An old man! An old man with no hair and the only hair left are white hairs because of the long beard! And uh, uh, that's not really an inspiring image to new Shinigamis that just joined the Gotei Thirteen, right? You must look strong! Strike fear into thy hearts of the enemies! If our enemies fear you then it's half the battle won! And what is the best way to strike fear into our enemies' hearts? A YOUTHFUL you! The you in your prime! And what way is better than making you youthful again? YOUTHFUL BLACK HAIR! The Genryusai in his prime! The one who single handedly defended Soul Society from Yhwach with nothing but a raging inferno by his side! One swing created fire! Two swings created a burning hell! Three swings brings about utter destruction and that was you with youthful black hair! That's the Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto that we all know! The Captain Commander in his prime! The youthful one! This Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream can do just that, to give you a better image!"
Yamamoto simply stared at the girl.
"That's it?"
"That wasn't convincing enough?!" Yamamoto watched on with amusement as Kurui nearly screeched at his question. "Uh, then, then-! Ah ha! Imagine if you have black hair on top and white hair at the bottom! Black hair and white beard! Perfect balance of black and white, Yin and Yang! Like how we Shinigamis maintain the balance of the worlds because it is our job! As the Captain Commander, the leader of all Shinigamis, you should embody this very meaning of Shinigamis! Perfectly balanced! As all things should be! It starts from you! It starts from your hair! Perfect ratio of black and white to signify the balance! That's why you need the Youthful Black Hair Regrow Cream!"
Yamamoto continues to stroke his long beard, glad that his beard and mustache are as long as they are because it hid his amused smile from view. Perfect balance. Honestly, he was more than just a little convinced by her logic.
"I will try it out for a week, then I will decide if I really want that new look."
He shook his head in amusement when Kurui literally jumped in the air in joy.
"YAY! YOU ARE THE BEST! YOU ARE THE BEST CAPTAIN EVERRRRRRR! WOOHOO!"
That one week was the most bizarre one week ever.
For one, the entire First Division save a few lucky members grew hairs from all over their body. Face, arms, legs, some in areas that cannot be properly described and for the best interests of everyone should never be described. It was not a gradual growth of hair either. It's like those hairs magically sprouted overnight from almost any place on the human body that nobody could ever imagine. The screams on that fateful morning when everyone in the First Division barracks woke up and saw the hairy monstrosity that their fellow Shinigamis had become was the alarm clock for the entire Seireitei that day. Rumours have it that even souls living in the outer districts had heard the screams.
As for how monstrous the length the hairs could grow, the length of the magical youthful black hair that had suddenly grown without reason could easily be over a meter on average. That was the average length it reached in one night. The record for the longest hair grown so far was 20.20 meters. People are still waiting for someone to grow hair that exceeded that legendary length. To date, 20.20 meters was still the record of the reigning champion, Sasakibe Chojiro.
It wasn't long before there was a high demand for shavers because the hair just kept growing back overnight. The First Division officially became the hairiest division. If people of the Seireitei spotted a bunch of walking bundles of hairs going about doing their patrols in that one week then there's no doubt they come from the First Division. It's a wonder how most of them are able to even walk in a straight line given how most of them have their unnatural hair growing out of their faces itself and thus obstructing their line of sight. Seeing members of the First Division tripping over their hair and yelling in pain at something pulling at their hair while they were on their job soon became the favourite pastime of the entire Seireitei.
This incident was soon dubbed as the Monster Hair Phenomenon and the term 'Monster Hair' was soon added into the books of the Fourth Division's medical books as a legitimate medical term. Rumours had it that some of the hair that some of the First Division Shinigamis grew turned out to be so grotesque that it actually scared the hollows in the outer districts away when the First Division members were doing their patrols over there but that is a story for another day. What people do know is that hollow sightings dropped to an all-time low in that one week. The widely accepted explanation was that even hollows don't like to eat hairy food and none of them would have the patience or skills to skin the hair off their prey and that was that.
Naturally, this phenomenon clearly falls under the Fourth Division to take care of since it is clearly medical related. Captain Unohana wasn't amused at needing to cure this 'sickness' for an entire division of hairy monsters but she was very interested in the cause. Like a detective finally coming across a mysterious case that caught her attention, this incident became her secret side project to investigate. For that one week, Captain Unohana put aside her Captain robes, donned her detective cap and with a large magnifying glass in hand, took up the temporary identity of Detective Unohana.
Detective Unohana soon pinpointed the blame on the Captain of the Twelfth Division, saying that this has to be his work. Captain Kurotsuchi vehemently denied all accusations. And so Detective Unohana dug further into her investigations and soon found out that all of the victims of this Monster Hair Phenomenon had all used the sunblocks the Captain Commander gave out at one point or another to help them from not getting sunburnt when they were out doing patrols under the scorching hot sun. She soon traced the sunblocks to be the handiwork of one Ichimaru Gin.
Ichimaru Gin had made quite a killing from the sales of his sunblocks but the profits he earned was no more because he was now forced to compensate the affected Shinigamis of the First Division in terms of medical fees and more shavers. Tears actually leaked from the eyes of the Captain of the Third Division as under Detective Unohana's stern gaze and outstretched hand, he reluctantly took out the necessary cash from his wallet to quell this mess much to everyone's disbelief. Ichimaru Gin, crying?! How did the tears even manage to make their way out of those slits for eyes?!
The biggest surprise will still have to be the Captain Commander himself.
The Captain Commander was affected by the Monster Hair Phenomenon and grew black hair as well, but it seems that his case was a lot more gentle and thankfully their leader didn't become a hairy monster like what his men turned into. On the first day when the Monster Hair Phenomenon made its appearance, he appeared before the Captains with smooth silky black hair on the top of his previously bald head and did his hair in the same hairstyle he sported in his youth. Captain Kyoraku and Ukitake both took a trip down memory lane and so did Detective Unohana. The rest of the Captains were simply tongue-tied at the sight. No other Captain's Meeting had felt so memorable than the one held during the week of the Monster Hair Phenomenon. That was a Captain's Meeting that no Captains will forget.
As fast as it had come, the Monster Hair Phenomenon died down soon enough once people realised that Ichimaru Gin's sunblocks were the culprit. Nobody ever bought or used anything of his after that, not even his long time friend Matsumoto Rangiku. The Captain Commander himself also reverted back to his original look as he shaved off the black hair that was on his head for a week, saying that he prefers his aged look over the youthful one. With that, the Monster Hair Phenomenon came to a close and Detective Unohana concluded the case with a shut of her notebook titled 'Analysis of the Monster Hair Phenomenon Volume Thirteen'.
If there's one missing fact that Unohana Retsu knew but never noted down in all her thirteen notebooks, it's that right after the Monster Hair Phenomenon made itself known Kuchiki Kurui had started to walk around proudly claiming herself to be the Ultimate Prankster of Seireitei. She was almost to the point of swaggering around the entire Seireitei as she told everyone she met of her self-proclaimed title. People ignored her as per usual, too used to her eccentricities, but Unohana knew better.
Kurui must be involved in this somehow.
Still, nothing harmful came out of this and if her Captain Commander didn't say anything when he clearly knows something, who is she to point it out? Although the self-proclaimed title Kurui made for herself kind of fits her.
Ultimate Prankster of Seireitei indeed. Well played, Kurui. Well played.
Detective Unohana approves.
