Cereal
As I was walking through Mondstadt, placing the occasional waypoint along the path we were taking, waving at bypassers, and following Kaeya in general…
Jaeger, I need to ask a question. Like, a really important one.
Yeah?
What am I going to do when I get to Jean?
I dunno.
I dunno? Wait a minute.
What do you mean you don't know?! This entire operation was your idea!
Lmao yeah I just didn't think you were going to actually do it lol.
Wha- Jaeger, I'm literally in the middle of Mondstadt being escorted to see who's essentially the stand-in for the leader of this country. Please, you're the hundreds of years old god here, you must have a good idea, right?
…
Jaeger?
…
Wai- JAEGER?! DID YOU JUST GHOST ME?! THAT SON OF A BI-
And calm…
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO!?
Jean
"So, this week's problems are… Stormterror is still rampaging… I believe some taxes are about to be overdue… And… Klee said something about… A 'Cereal' person who was coming to Mondstadt…"
Hm… So… The Cereal issue should come first… Or maybe the taxes? Well, it does depend on if Cereal is a real person or not… Hm, I am feeling a bit peckish but it's a bit before lunch…
The door to her office suddenly opened, in the doorway was the Knights of Favonius librarian, Lisa.
She had a casual look on her face for all of two seconds before it shifted into a worried look, "Oh dear. Jean, has anyone not told you yet?"
...Told her what? "Ah? Did something happen outside?"
"...Cereal is a real person. In fact, I just saw Kaeya slowly walking up here with him in tone… His appearance is a bit… Odd. You'll know when you see him."
...Wait.
What?
Cereal
Jaeger? Jaeger! Jaeger?! Jaeger!?
"Ah, are you ready to enter or do you need more time?" Kaeya politely asked. And by politely, I mean 'formality that you have to answer with yes otherwise you'll sound like a dick'
That being said.
JAEGER! I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID! HELP ME!
"YES." I said instead of what was in my mind.
As I enter the headquarters, I do two things. One, admire the scenery, two…
JAEGERPLEASEJAEGERPLEASEIDON'TKNOWHATTODOTHISENTIREOPERATIONWASYOURIDEADUDEPLEASEJAEGER?!
[System Explanation - A device used to create a holographic screen to explain the PvP system to anyone listening.]
Use this, dumbass.
That's… Ooooohhhh…
Ahem, yes, I knew that was an option that I could take. Of course, I was uhh… Only testing to check if you knew it. Because… I knew it, so I wanted to make sure you knew it.
…
...aNYways, what the heck were you doing? I was screaming in my mind like crazy for you… To grab your attention, I mean.
I was dying of a copium, hopium and doomium overdose.
I-uh, I see.
Kaeya coughed to grab my attention, "We're here, by the way."
Oh, alright, we're here.
...We're here. Ah shit.
Fortunately, Kaeya was kind enough to open the door, and inside, I saw the one character I hadn't bothered to level up back in the game because I leveled up Qiqi.
Jean
Canon Character
Level 63
Vision: Anemo
Hp: 5,000
Stats:
Str: 65
Dex: 78
Int: 55
Wis: 60
End: 70
Jean visibly blinked at me, "...Oh."
You know, I wasn't really prepared for this moment, I have no idea what to say.
Kaeya does butt in though with an extremely audible cough. So does… Oh, is that Lisa over there?
Lisa
Canon Character
Level 55
Vision: Electro
Hp: 3,500
Stats:
Str: 30
Dex: 35
Int: 70
Wis: 75
End: 40
Ah it is! Another character that I… Didn't use.
Jean seems to have finally gotten her act together and stood up, "Ah, my sincerest apologies. I was a bit tired before you came in. My name is Jean Gunnhildr, acting grandmaster of the Knights of Favonius."
Ah, right, this is the part where I speak, "MY [CODENAME] IS [cereal]! I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF [Freedom Sauce] AND YOU [Supplier] ARE EXACTLY WHAT I NEED!"
...Wha- okay, whatever. I pull out the explanation device and put it on the table.
Jean just stared at it for a moment before looking at me again, "Excuse me?"
How do I, okay, distraction… "ARE YOU WILLING TO [grab your strings] AND FLY [To the Big One]?"
Jean confusedly looked at me, and everyone else in the room before awkwardly saying, "...Yes?"
"[HOLY CUNDAGAROO]! [I FEEL SO] [I FEEL SO] [I FEEL SO] [good]! JEAN GUNNHILDR! YOU'VE WON [Kromer]!"
I wasn't even saying not even half of those words anymore, and it's killing me inside to know that my words are basically not my own anymore, but I press on and press the button on the system explanation pad or whatever it looked like.
And then the hologram showed up and I inwardly prayed that whoever made the explanation isn't a lunatic.
My hopes were almost completely dashed when a fucking schoolgirl catgirl appeared on screen doing the most stereotypical catgirl pose I could've ever thought of.
Oh, pfft, I saw the recording process of thi-
SHUSH.
PvP System, Hero Edition!
"Hello! My name is Gaienyan, and I'm here to explain to you Fair and Balanced Incorporated's PvP system! Hero edition!"
Gaienyan then moved to a whiteboard, and then pulled out a big stick out of nowhere, pointing it at #1, "Firstly, what is the PvP system? Well, it's a magical system made to give the gamer power to anyone with it! It's made by our glorious developers here at Fair and Balanced Incorporated!"
Gaienyan then moved the stick down to #2, "Now, who is your gamer- I mean, player? Well, it's the one who gave you the device that's playing this explanation, silly!" Gaienyan's expression then turned a bit embarrassed, "Well… Unless… We'll ignore that for now."
Then down to #3, "Now, your player's goal is to kill the villain player! Who is the villain player? Well, that's for you to find out! But the rules are simple, the hero player just has to show up and fight them a little bit! But you cannot kill the other player while your player isn't around! Because that would be boring! Doing that results in that player winning and your player losing, so be sure to don't kill the other player without your own player!"
And apparently, the last one, #4, "Now, how will the players fight? Well, it's a bit too much to go into detail here, but they can choose classes and abilities to have that they can do things with! You can get more details off of your own player!"
And then Gaienyan just kicked the whiteboard away, "Now, the rewards for winning and the consequences of losing! For the players, to win is to have a nice and easy path to become a god! And the loser has to serve the winner for all eternity, forever bidden to the winner's whims! If you have any more questions, your player can probably answer them! Goodbye!"
The video abruptly ends.
Everyone was still silent, a whirlwind of emotions going through their head currently.
Holy fuck, that's awful. I thought I was watching Attack on Titan season 4 part 2 again. That's not what the villain version looks like… Right?
I decided to end the silence with my own opinion, "HOLY [SHIT] THAT WAS AWFUL."
...THAT went through my broken speech and got accepted?! I really need to just speedrun this whole PvP thing and get that modifier removed…
...Speedrun…
...Am I on a speedrun route?
"I-uh, er, the- ah, Hm." Jean stammered out, trying to think of words to say, "...Thank you?"
How did she get to THAT?
"Ahem," Kaeya said from behind me, "I believe I understand the situation… You need someone dead to… Become god, so you came to us for help, yes?"
...Yes. Mhm, that is, in fact, the exact reason I came here.
You're taking these secrets to your grave, huh?
I am.
"[DING ding DING]! YOU'VE WON A [special prize] FROM [Heaven]! IT IS. IT IS. IT IS. [hyperlink blocked]."
Lisa finally spoke up for the first time since I came in, "But why us, then? Why not the fatui, since they have arguably the most powerful country? Or Liyue, with Rex Lapis as its god?"
"I GOT HERE FIRST."
"...Oh."
"AHEM." Jean forcefully coughed and interrupted our conversation, "Ah, yes. If it's our help you seek in finding this… Villain player to help you… Become a god, then yes, we will help you to the best of our abilities."
Wait, that actually wor- Well, of course it did! What were they going to do? Rudely say 'nah, not my problem'?
I held my hand out, looking for a handshake of agreement, "WONDERFUL [Freedom] YOU MADE! [The BIG] SMILES ON YOU!"
Jean shook my hand, and I definitely felt a lot better after that.
Random quest I made up on the spot.
We win these.
Rewards: 350 exp, 1 gacha token.
You have leveled up 3x [Level 7 to 10] [Exp: 9/137]
Int: 24 to 30
Wis: 17 to 20 [Mp: 100]
End: 45 to 55 [Sp: 2,750]
You have gained 15 stat points.
Int: 30 to 40
Vit: 40 to 45 [Hp: 900]
You have gained skills: Replace hand, Builder's eyes.
[Replace Hand - removes a hand from your body that can easily be replaced with another object.]
[Builder's eyes - When this ability is in use, you will see a slight image of what you want an object to look like.]
Why is automaton so overpowered? There's almost no visible downsides to getting 5 stat points per level.
No sex, according to the person balancing the species, and Skryb found it funny enough to let it slide.
...Ah.
Well, I guess I can see it from a certain point of view. But I sort of feel like the invisible threat from the other player is enough to kind of put sex on the backburner…
You'd be surprised how horny people are lmao.
...I don't think I would be surprised.
Well, putting that aside, I pulled out the gacha token in front of everyone, and then briefly realized I should explain what's going on.
"I FINISHED A [very important thing] AND NOW I [get gambling]"
That… Okay, whatever, I crush the token in my hands and get-
[Zavvoxian Ore - Legendary - Blood of the old god, Zavvox, that has crystalized into ore. Even looking at it will slowly make anything go insane. Crafting material.]
Oh shi- Jaeger, am I cheating? Are we cheaters?
...I think you are, what the fuck. I didn't even realize we put items based on our employees into the gacha lmao.
...Then who decides what's in the gacha?
That… Is a good question, I never asked.
Let me guess, you're too busy overdosing on copium or something to ask?
...Yeah…
...Do you need a hug?
...Yes.
Maybe later, then.
...Screw you. You know, how are you going to use an ore in your building efforts? It's not like you can craft weapons or anything, since that's the blacksmith's job.
...Wait, shit, you're right. I actually got a useless item disguised as a legendary. That's a bit sad.
"Uhm, excuse me? Cereal?" Jean's voice came and knocked me out of the conversation we were having.
"YES! I WAS JUST HAVING THE GREATEST TIME WITH MY GOOD FRIEND."
...Hey, twisted the words, but without any random cuts! I'm feeling lucky today!
Tossing the piece of ore into my inventory, I then had to ask.
"SO, WHAT NEXT? [i didn't think i would get this far lol]"
An:
So a few things.
1, Tartaglia came home, let's goooo.
2, AoT season 4 part 2 in January let's goooo. I'm overdosing on copium and hopium as we speak, channeling the r/titanfolk spirit.
3, Rip 'replacement', crashed and burned in the end just like the other 3 MHA fanfics I did. Maybe that's foreshadowing this fic's end, where I somehow manage to crash and burn and kill all my motivation to write for this fic.
Now, there is one optimistic view to that 3rd one. It was a MHA fanfic, and since this is a genshin fanfic, crashing and burning at the end shouldn't be an issue… Or I'll get a completely different curse, I dunno. Maybe crashing and burning is just a Skryb guarantee.
For a completely different issue, I made automaton a tad bit too overpowered and I don't feel like going back to changing it, despite this being only 5 chapters long right now. So… Maybe I'll just… Give the other player something cool.
...Actually, I still haven't decided whether to put the other player on Inazuma or Liyue. If I put them on Inazuma, I could probably just end it in 1 fight and have a neat idea on why it's just in 1 fight, and if I put him in Liyue, he's kind of fucked probably with Zhongli hanging around.
...But I kind of don't want to go through the hassle of Cereal and co realizing 'is he really in fucking Inazuma.'
Welp, another thing to toss down the road lmao.
[In this chapter, we go down the speedrun route of 'not being a bitch and telling the good guys about you.', which seems like a boring, but most logical route to go down.]
[I'm sleep deprived while writing this, and if I've learnt anything, writing anything while sleep deprived has made me write my worst chapters. Despite that, I move forward.]
