Being back in the familiar forests around Konoha is a relief that Tobirama hadn't expected. It's nice even if there's the tension from the possibility of getting caught lying beneath it all. He avoids the patrols expertly, noting they use the same guard patterns as his original universe had used. Either his alternate self had stuck around for long enough to implement it or Touka, who had given him the idea for it in the first place, had managed to come up with patrol routes near enough that they look the same. Either choice is likely, he decides, and it's not particularly important anyway.
"Hey look!" Shukaku says suddenly, twisting to poke his head more fully over Tobirama's shoulder. "That human comes in miniature!"
"It means he's not grown up yet," Matatabi informs. "Like how you and I are children."
"I don't think I was ever that small," Shukaku says in wonder, despite being the size of a small child at this very moment. Tobirama turns around, peering through the foliage towards where Shukaku had been looking. He ignores the bijuu squirming to face the same direction in his arms as he scans the forest floor. His eyes settle first on the adult- Uchiha Hikaku, he had been amiable with the man in his former universe. Hikaku is smart and is relatively sane in comparison to the other Uchiha. By his side, clearly bored and practicing with a pair of kunai, is...
Kagami. What luck they have.
"Good job," Tobirama murmurs to Shukaku. "That kid's one of the ones I've been looking for." Shukaku beams up at him, proud to be of help.
"Why were you looking for him?" Matatabi asks curiously.
"Oh I knew an alternate version of him in my first universe," he returns absently. Matatabi stares at him for long enough that he realizes what he just said. Is this bad? He feels like it should be bad.
"Please tell me you're joking," the Nibi says faintly. Should he go along with it and (hopefully) erase his mistake? ...Nah, it'll be fine.
"Ask the snow leopards," he says. "They know everything." Matatabi laughs disbelievingly and quietly before collapsing on their tree branch and thumping back against the trunk. Tobirama shushes her and she's still stunned enough not to snap back.
"I don't think you can switch universes," Shukaku says hesitantly. Tobirama pats his head.
"It is possible, just not very likely," Tobirama explains. "Yukiko, Yuki, and Akane can tell you more later."
"Uh..." The three of them turn back to where Hikaku and Kagami had been only to find Kagami on a nearby branch, staring at them with wide eyes. "...Hello?" The boy says hesitantly. Shikaku grins from his place in Tobirama's arms.
"Hiya! Wanna be friends?"
"I uh," Kagami swallows, leaning away a bit. "I don't think I'm allowed." Shukaku activates his Cute Mode, eyes widening and watering as he clutches to Tobirama and his mouth pulls into a pout. Really pulls on your heartstrings. Tobirama decides to help the bijuu along a bit, staring at Kagami flatly, trying to silently ask if the boy is really going to contribute to Shukaku's breaking heart. Matatabi is still broken, muttering under her breath angrily, probably about Tobirama's big reveal. Kagami is saved from having to respond when Hikaku finally realizes what's going on, exploding from the leaves to level his staff at Tobirama.
"Hello," he says politely to the Uchiha. Hikaku hesitated for a moment.
"Why are you here, Tobirama?"
"I'm just passing through," he lies, plastering the most innocent face he can manage on. Hikaku and Kagami both look wholly unimpressed. Tobirama is sort of insulted. Why must everyone always think the worst of him? Just because he's lying this time doesn't mean he's always lying!
"With... two children?" Hikaku asks, flat and disbelieving.
"Yes."
"Where did you get the children?"
"They're mine, I birthed them." Tobirama has no idea what possessed him to answer Hikaku's question like that and frankly, he's a little concerned. Mostly about Matatabi, who still seems to be in a haze, but his own mental health is under consideration.
...
He considers it sound, moving on!
"Guys can't give birth," Kagami says factually. Tobirama nods at him.
"They can now," he says. He doesn't bother explaining.
"You know what?" Hikaku says faintly. "Just leave. I am not going to fight the mentally ill." Tobirama glares at Hikaku, scooping up Kagami.
"I won't stand this slander," he hisses and takes off into the trees. He's sort of surprised he made it out of that without having to fight Hikaku but he supposes even he must have lucky days.
"Wah- hey! That's my apprentice! This is your daughter! Tobirama, get back here!" Tobirama ignores Hikaku and speeds up. Matatabi can take care of herself, He's not sure Kagami has had the proper training to take care of himself. He initiated contact with an S-rank missing-nin, for crying out loud! Clearly, this Kagami needs a proper teacher.
And father.
Carrying on! He should really hunt down the other five, as well. If Kagami was on his own in an apprenticeship, who knows who the other five got saddled with. ...Hikaku is keeping up irritatingly well. Hiraishin, perhaps? There's one relatively close by. He teleports without further hesitation.
"Hey Kagami, do you know Sarutobi Hiruzen?" He asks curiously.
"U-uh," Kagami stutters articulately.
"Shimura Danzo, Akimichi Torifu, Mitokado Homura, Utatane Koharu? Any of these ringing a bell?" He presses. It wouldn't do for none of them to be friends. Why is he still running? Hikaku's nowhere near. He comes to a stop, putting Kagami down carefully on the branch next to him so he can look the kid in the face. Kagami's eyes are wide but not in the way they get when he's scared, which is good. Or bad— who taught this kid survival instincts? They did a worse job than he did with his original universe's Kagami, and that's saying something.
"Um... Akimichi Torifu is the brother to the Akimichi heir?" Kagami offers hesitantly. "And Sarutobi Hiruzen is the Sarutobi heir..." Tobirama stares at him for a moment.
"...You know, you probably shouldn't go around telling rogue nin Konoha's information." Kagami goes bright red at the admonition, looking studiously away.
"You asked," he grumbles.
"Do you tell anyone that asks everything they want to know?" Tobirama asks. Kagami huffs, crossing his arms.
"I was being polite, I'm sorry you don't know what manners are." Tobirama exchanges a look with Shukaku. He's not really sure the bijuu actually understands his exasperation but he pretends well enough so it works out.
"Kagami," Tobirama says patiently, "what if I was asking because I was going to attack Konoha?" The Uchiha gives him the flattest, most unimpressed look. It's more impressive than Madara's which... he supposes makes sense if he's been trained by Hikaku in Tobirama's absence.
"Yes, because you were going to attack Konoha for five-"
"Six," Tobirama corrects.
"-six children, half of which aren't even, like, important or anything." Kagami pauses, then makes a face. "Wait, six? I think I can count, you only mentioned five names."
"You're the sixth," Tobirama informs. "I could hardly have an unbalanced team, could I?"
"I..." Kagami looks so lost, it's a bit concerning. He wonders if Matatabi is still broken. Considering she hasn't tracked down and murdered him yet, he thinks yes. "Were you seriously gonna attack Konoha to kidnap a bunch of kids?" Tobirama smiles.
"No, but I was going to kidnap you. For a bit. Just a bit! I was going to return you." Kagami stares at Tobirama. "...Eventually. Look, I hadn't planned everything out yet, but I promise I was only going to temporarily... borrow... you."
"Holy shit," Kagami breaths. "I can't believe I managed to get myself kidnapped by the one person stupider than Madara-sama."
"Hey!" Shukaku says, affronted, the first he's joined the conversation. "Tobi's not stupid!"
"Thank you, Shukaku," Tobirama interjects before the two can start arguing. "So Kagami, how do you feel about getting trained by rogue nin?"
"I don't think that's, um, allowed."
"A shame, really," Tobirama muses. "But not really an answer."
"I, um, I guess I would like a team? But I don't want to be rogue nin. Or threaten Konoha!" Kagami looks a bit panicked. "I promise I don't know much about Konoha and I'm not going to help you break-in and- and-" Ah, it looks like the brat does have some common sense, although it kicked in a bit late.
"I'm not going to threaten Konoha- I like Konoha. I'll leave a note with my cousin so that she can tell your Hokage not to worry," Tobirama says, waving off Kagami's burgeoning concerns. Also, he should really figure out which Uchiha brother is Hokage at some point, thinking of it as a nebulas being is bad for his shinobi-born suspicions. He should also really focus on the problem of the leech, given its emotion-controlling side effects where anger and hate are involved but no one has ever accused him of taking care of himself.
"So?" Tobirama pushes. "I'll even let you be the team leader." At least until Hiruzen grows into himself and the team and ends up naturally taking the position over.
"I... You know what? I don't have anything better to do. As long as you take the fall, I'm game."
"...Sage, children have no survival instincts," Tobirama mutters. "Alright, kid, time to go kidnap your new teammates." Kagami grins brightly.
"Sounds fun!"
"Hello! Remember how you- stop screaming, I'm not going to hurt you -remember how you asked if the leech had any adverse affects?"
"How did you get here? How did you know where I live?! Why do you have more children?!"
"I walked, I'm a shinobi, and this is my new team."
"...I need a drink. What did you do with the girl? The blue one?"
"...Shit. Shukaku, we forgot your sister in Konoha."
