Learn to Let Go
Edited for sexual content. M-rated version on .
2404
"The time is 0600."
The computerized female Cardassian voice repeated itself on loop until Harry called out to silence it. I blinked against the station's artificial atmosphere and looked at the shadowy outlines of furniture in our darkened quarters. Hearing Harry's intake of breath, I squeezed my eyes shut in preparation for his command to activate the lights.
Instead, he rolled on top of me and kissed me thoroughly.
His straight grey-and-black hair hung down to shoulder length, loosed from the topknot in which he had worn it over the past few years. The ends tickled my collarbone as he painted kisses across my chest.
I groaned at the contact of his lips and arched into it despite my protest. "You're going to be late for duty, Captain."
He slid his hands under the hem of my shirt. "I don't care."
Thirty-one years of marriage had not quelled my desire for that man in the least. If anything, time had made us stronger. We had both changed, and we'd endured stresses that should have torn us apart many times over, yet we survived together.
"Yes you do," I murmured.
He peeled the shirt over my head, tossed it aside, and looked down at me with dark eyes. "You're right. I do. But I always have time for you."
"Such a romantic," I teased, pulling his hips flush with mine.
"One of us has to be," he murmured. "Otherwise, you'd never slow down."
"You started this one, sir. You can't blame it all on me."
He sucked my bottom lip between his teeth, running his tongue along it before licking into my mouth. When he broke the kiss, he admitted, "I wanted to be with you one more time before I go."
Sliding my hands up his back, I tucked his hair behind one ear and smiled. "Then let me feel you, ja'lat. We can go as slow as you want."
"Yes, ma'am."
2375
I was practically panting when I woke up. Flicking my eyes around the dark room, I reassured myself that I was, indeed, in my quarters on Voyager. Just as with the last one, Alixia's vision felt so real while I was in it.
The sound of Harry's deep breathing filtered into my consciousness, grounding me back in the present. We were side-by-side in bed, and he was still fast asleep. I smiled to myself. Someday, we'd be happy again. Truly happy.
Turning onto my side, I slid an arm around his strong body and spooned myself against him.
The pace of his breathing changed. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," I said as I pressed my lips to the back of his neck. "I didn't mean to wake you."
He laced his fingers with mine. "I don't mind. Are you okay?"
I hummed in affirmation as I pulled him even closer, then explained, "I was just having the most wonderful dream. About us."
"Oh?"
"Mmhm." I trailed more kisses along the skin exposed by his undershirt, smiling when his breath quickened in response. "We were us again. Happy." I slipped my hand from his and under the hem of his shirt, fingertips skating across his stomach. "Making love early in the morning when we should have been getting ready for duty shifts."
His muscles tightened when I played over ticklish spots, and he sucked in a breath.
I was treading dangerous ground, enticing him in a way I'd been too sick and afraid to do in so long. But I wanted to touch him. To recapture that dream.
To stop missing him even when he was right there with me.
"I like the sound of that," he murmured.
"Yeah?"
Shifting onto his other side, he gave me the same bright smile that I had fallen so hard for after just a year working on Voyager together. It was just as irresistible as it had been the night he asked me to dinner—the night he first kissed me.
"Yeah," he said. "You know, I was thinking, once we make the jump with the transwarp coils, we'll have a good shot at convincing Captain Janeway to give us some shore leave. And if my calculations are correct, we should end up pretty close to one of the nicer Zahl colonies along the Turei Communications Network. It might be an ideal time for a second honeymoon."
A chance to get away from Voyager, to put some distance between myself, Tom, and all of the things that still reminded me of the insurmountable losses we'd suffered in recent months. A chance to hit the reset button with Harry and rebuild our marriage.
I smiled, grabbed his face, and kissed him. "I love it."
He stroked my cheek. "I love you."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't."
"Yes," he said firmly, "I should."
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I whispered, "I love you, too."
He pressed a soft kiss to my lips, then gave a coy smile. "Now about that dream."
I laughed, though I couldn't stop the hint of anxiety lacing it.
There was nothing to be afraid of, yet my mind had knotted Harry's love and Rojel's death together in a way that was hard to untangle. It wasn't outright fear anymore that having sex with Harry would lead to another pregnancy and another loss. With my sense of reality restored, it was easier to argue back against that untruth.
Now, the problem was purely in the realm of emotion. Our rhythm had been broken, the notes of our song coming out choppy and discordant because I was still inexplicably scared to open myself up to him again.
But, oh, that dream...
Harry tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "We don't have to do anything if you're not ready."
I bit my lip, sliding my hand up his stomach and chest. I wanted to see his skin—to smell it and taste it. The dream played out before my mind's eye, growing both my desire and my fear.
I wanted that—wanted him. Tonight, the desire outweighed the fear.
"I'm ready," I whispered.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel pressured."
"I'm sure." His skin was warm and pliant beneath my touch as I felt my way back down to his hips and ran my fingers over the band of his boxers. "I miss you."
His thumb traced my lips. "I miss you, too."
Still, he didn't move in. Maybe he was scared, too.
But the more I entertained the thought of making love to him, the more sure I became that it was exactly what I wanted tonight. So I kissed his thumb. Then his hand. And then his lips. I rolled him onto his back, worked his shirt off, and covered his chest with kisses.
Slowly, we rediscovered each another one centimeter of skin at a time. After a while, the fear and hesitation faded away. We gained more confidence, found more trust. Grew more brave.
And when I finally accepted his body into mine, it wasn't scary at all. It was natural. Right.
The safest place I could possibly be.
Personal Log: Stardate 52773.6
Reading through Annika's logs nearly crushed me. I got through it, wrote my report for her record, and found the information B'Elanna had been hinting after. We installed a transwarp coil on each ship and traveled nearly twenty thousand lightyears—fifteen Earth-years closer to home.
After that, I submitted a request for shore leave to the captain, explaining that Harry and I needed time away from Voyager to heal and learn to be together again.
Harry was right. Given what we accomplished with the transwarp flight, Janeway didn't put up a fight. In fact, she heartily supported it. With her blessing, Harry and I disappeared on a friendly planet for two weeks where we could talk, laugh, grieve, and love without the stresses of duty or the threat of danger constantly wearing us down.
This morning when we returned to Voyager, we were greeted by Elentia and Sinta, who arrived yesterday from the Krenim Commonwealth. Elentia is here on important business of some sort, though I won't find out what it is until I meet with her and Captain Janeway later. Undoubtedly, it has something to do with the Commonwealth's recent conflict with the Borg.
Which means that shore leave is definitely over.
When I walked into the briefing room, Elentia and her aide were already present along with Captain Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Captain Ransom, and Lieutenant Commander Burke. Two extra chairs had been situated at the far end of the table.
"Who else is coming?" I asked as I made my way to the open seat beside Tuvok.
"Settle in, Commander," Janeway said. "It's going to be an interesting meeting." She turned to Elentia. "Minister?"
"Thank you, Captain," Elentia replied, dipping her head. "As you all know, several weeks ago—your time—the Borg sent a scout ship through the blue nebula and into Krenim space. Although the vessel was ultimately destroyed, we have reason to believe the collective gained more than just intelligence. We believe the individuals who were assimilated during the incursion have also survived and are now a part of the Borg Collective."
"How can that be possible," Ransom asked, "if the vessel was lost with all hands and there were no other Borg ships close enough to transport to?"
Elentia nodded. "Allow me to introduce you to the newest allies of the Commonwealth's effort against the Borg."
At Janeway's command, the tertiary door slid open. I could hardly believe my eyes when Mike Ayala entered, escorting two people I truly believed that I would never see again.
"Dr. Riley Frazier," Elentia said, "and Orum tr'Khevek of the Unity One Cooperative."
"Thank you, Lieutenant," Janeway said to Mike, dismissing him from the room.
"Ma'am," he answered with a nod before exiting the way he came.
Janeway gestured to the two open seats. "Please, have a seat."
"Thank you, Captain," Riley said as she and Orum sat down.
They looked just as they had when I last saw them. Riley's blonde wig and elbow-length sleeves covered up any evidence of cybernetic implants still in her body, but Orum couldn't hide his past so easily. The dark ocular implant in his right eye socket made it clear to Ransom and Burke that he and Riley were former Borg drones.
A barely-there southern drawl made Riley's voice slide off her tongue like honey from a down-turned spoon. "It's good to see you again, Commander Chakotay, Commander Eelo."
Chakotay grunted, not bothering to hide his displeasure.
"And it's good to meet you, Captain Ransom and Commander Burke. Equinox and Voyager are lucky to have found each other."
"Yes," Ransom said. "I've read about your community in Voyager's logs, but I can't say I had expected to meet you in person. The Nekrit Expanse is a long way from here."
"It is," Riley agreed, "but our new friends thought it was important to bring us through the underspace network so that we could meet in person."
"To tell us what, exactly?" Chakotay asked.
"As you know, I was assimilated at Wolf 359 by a Borg vessel sent to scout Earth. You also know that vessel was destroyed. The reason I am here today is because the Borg possess a type of transporter technology that I think has become very important for you all to know about—technology that is almost always used to send captured individuals of interest across thousands of lightyears so they can be integrated into the collective by the nearest queen."
I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better and closed it. How had I never known about that? It had struck me as strange to find two former Borg who had been assimilated at Wolf 359, but I'd never thought to ask or to search for an answer when I was linked to them back in her cooperative.
"What is the range of this technology?" Tuvok asked.
"In the collective, it's essentially limitless. It sidesteps the matter-conversion process altogether and records it like data down to the quantum level. Then it transmits that data to a receiver where the matter is reproduced on the other side."
"The Augier Method?" Burke's dark eyebrows halfway up his forehead. "That's ridiculous. By the twenty-first century, Terran scientists knew that was nothing more than science fiction."
Riley shook her head. "Not for the Borg. As long as there's a neuroelectric signal, there's a way to transmit biological data through subspace as easily as they transmit thoughts through the hive mind. It's how I'm alive, and it's why I believe the Borg now have drones from the Hirogen, B'omar, and various Commonwealth species. Anything those people knew is now known to the entire Borg Collective."
"Our involvement in bringing down Annorax and his weapon," I said, giving Elentia a concerned look. "The existence of the Srivani and their cloaking technology—"
"Equinox," Ransom interjected, "and our cloaking technology."
"Minister," Tuvok said, "were any of the Krenim casualties aware of how Krenim temporal technology works?"
Elentia nodded. "Chroniton torpedoes and shields. Queen Nessav has been careful to protect any individuals from the old regime who still know anything more dangerous than that, but considering how widespread the chroniton-based weaponry was, there was simply no way to protect that indefinitely."
"No one is passing blame here, Minister," Janeway reassured her. "But we need to know what they know."
"That's the worst of it," Elentia said, "but I have an itemized list that outlines all possible gains the Borg made."
"There is something else," Orum said. Given his silence up until that point, it was a small shock to hear him speak. "After Captain Janeway granted Riley and I limited access to Voyager's mission logs, I reviewed your heist on the Borg sphere. I can't say with absolute certainty that this is the case, but I feel obligated to tell you—" He paused, glancing nervously around the table.
"Go on, Mister Khevek," Janeway prodded.
"Please, Captain, call me Orum."
She smiled slightly and inclined her head. "Alright, Orum. What is it that you found?"
"When your operations officer lost Crewman Hansen's biosignature, it was believed that she had integrated herself with the vessel as drones often do. While I agree that is what happened, I do not believe she was on that vessel when it self-destructed."
It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped down my back. "What?"
"You think she transported to another Borg ship?" Chakotay asked.
"I do not know for certain," he said, "but I can tell you what I know. In the collective, I was a medical drone. I know what bioscanners see when a drone enters an alcove and integrates with the ship, and I know what it looks like when a body is transmitted through the Borg network. Based on the readings I saw in your ship's log, that's what it looked like."
For a moment, no one said a word.
After letting out a deep breath, Janeway broke the silence. "If she did utilize this transportation technology, is there a way to track where she might have gone?"
"Not at this juncture, Captain. I apologize."
"But at least now you know it's possible she's out there," Riley added, "and you can keep your ears open for any news. For our part, we'll let you know if we hear anything from our work with the Unimatrix Zero rebellion."
"If she's out there," Chakotay said, giving Janeway a sympathetic look, "that's where she'd be."
Janeway nodded. "We'd appreciate anything you can tell us, Dr. Frazier."
"Of course, Captain."
Janeway looked to Elentia. "Was there something else?"
"There is." Elentia nodded to her aide, who stood and exited the room along with Orum. A moment later, they returned carrying a medium-sized metal box between them and set it on the table.
"What is it?" Chakotay asked.
Riley looked at me when she answered, "The Orb of Peace."
Tuvok spoke next. "Are you saying that this case contains the artifact created by the Prophet who inhabited Lieutenant Commander Eelo at the time of our last meeting?"
"Yes, Commander, it is."
As I stared at the box, a dreadful sense of destiny wrapped itself around my pagh. I licked my lips and took a shaky breath. "W-why did you bring this?"
"The Prophet told us to. He said that we had accomplished what he wanted to help us accomplish—unifying our community and finding peaceful solutions to our conflicts—and now it's time he returned to you."
"I'm sorry," Captain Janeway interjected. "He?"
Riley's voice sounded a bit sheepish. "Well, the Prophet presented himself to us as a Terran man. Is it disrespectful to refer to a Prophet using gendered pronouns?"
"No," I said, unable to tear my eyes away from the box. "Captain Janeway was probably confused because I referred to the Prophet in feminine terms, as that's the default pronoun in most Bajoran dialects. As far as we know, Prophets have no gender."
"I see," Riley said softly. "Well, I can't tell you how much the Prophet has done for us. I honestly didn't think we had any hope for survival, let alone peace, beyond reactivating the link, but he—they—proved us wrong."
There was a pause. I could sense the eyes of the room on me, as if everyone was waiting for me to speak, but I said nothing.
"Well," Janeway finally said, "I'm glad to hear that, Dr. Frazier. Thank you for coming. I'm sure we'll be in contact."
I was vaguely aware of Riley and Orum being escorted from the room, Ransom and Burke seeing themselves out, and Captain Janeway sending Chakotay to show Elentia to her guest quarters. There was a brief muttered conversation between Tuvok and Janeway before the doors swished open and closed again.
Then, Tuvok's voice. "Might I suggest moving the orb to a different location, Commander?"
"I'm not keeping it in my quarters."
"That was not going to be my suggestion."
"Then where?"
"Mine."
Taking a breath, I finally managed to break whatever spell the wretched thing had cast on me and turned towards Tuvok. "If that's what you want, have at it."
"I did not make the suggestion for my own sake, but for yours. I sense a great deal of distress in you regarding the orb. Your psychological health need not be burdened by the weight of its presence in your quarters. It will not disrupt my life as it would yours."
His words seemed to reverberate in my chest. "You... you sense my distress?"
"That is correct. However, this is not the time, nor the place, to explain how such sense is possible. Suffice it to say that I believe we will all be better served by storing the artifact elsewhere for the time being. Are you amenable to my offer?"
I took a moment to examine his dark eyes, looking for the promise—the reassurance—in them. It was there, just as I expected. A strange sense of calm slipped beneath the dark roots around my pagh, relaxing the stranglehold of dread just enough for me to breathe again. "Okay. Your quarters." I let out a slow, intentional breath and nodded. "Thank you."
2404
When I opened the eyes of my pagh, and saw that Cardassian space station once more, I wondered if Alixia thought I needed a reminder of where the dreams had left off.
Not that I minded reliving this one.
Harry's straight grey-and-black hair hung down to shoulder length, loosed from the topknot in which he had worn it over the past few years. The ends tickled my collarbone as he painted kisses across my chest.
I groaned at the contact of his lips and arched into it despite my protest. "You're going to be late for duty, Captain."
He slid his hands under the hem of my shirt. "I don't care."
"Yes you do," I murmured.
He peeled the shirt over my head, tossed it aside, and looked down at me with dark eyes. "You're right. I do. But I always have time for you."
"Such a romantic," I teased, pulling his hips flush with mine.
"One of us has to be," he murmured. "Otherwise, you'd never slow down."
"You started this one, sir. You can't blame it all on me."
He sucked my bottom lip between his teeth, running his tongue along it before licking into my mouth. When he broke the kiss, he admitted, "I wanted to be with you one more time before I go."
Sliding my hands up his back, I tucked his hair behind one ear and smiled. "Then let me feel you, ja'lat. We can go as slow as you want."
"Yes, ma'am."
The last time I had dreamed this dream, all I'd been aware of was the passion swelling between us as we fused our bodies into one. This time, a wholly different layer of truth existed within our union.
The impending approach of death.
A few light-years away from the station where we lived and where I worked, there was a barrier separating the Federation from the Borg. Although the barrier had held for nearly two decades, there was always a possibility that the Borg would find a way to adapt their weapons and break through.
And when they did, Harry's ship would be on the frontline.
He didn't have to say anything out loud, and neither did I. After so many years together, we knew exactly what was being communicated in the love we made that morning. So we rocked and kissed and clung tightly to sweat-soaked skin, speaking a language that reached far deeper than our words ever could.
This was how we said good-bye.
