"So I wonder what this Pillar Man can do," said Lynn as the ending played.

"Same stuff that vampires can do?" suggested Luna. "Blood sucking, hypnosis, freezing people, eye beams-"

"Did you say freezing?" asked Luan.

"Yeah, Dio could freeze people with a touch. He's as cold as ice, and willing to sacrifice!" explained the oldest there.

"Oh, ICY what you mean," said Luan with a wink and a smile, causing her siblings to groan as she guffawed. "Get it?"

"Shhh! The next episode is about to start!" said Lincoln. That got everybody to quiet down, the last few seconds of the outro playing before the next episode began.

~BT~

The episode opened on a shot of the Mexican desert, a huge mountain range in the background. The only sound was the wind as the air rippled from the intense heat. Joseph's motorcycle popped up on a hill as he drove down a dirt path. As he was speeding through the sand, he suddenly turned his head. Squeezing the brake lever, he turned his bike to the side as he skidded to a stop. "Alright, enough!" he said. "Something's going on here. I've felt like someone's eyes have been on me all morning, watching my every move!"

~LBR~

"'It feels like somebody… WANTS TO SELL ME SOMETHING!'" shouted Lana, pointing at the screen with a fake look of terror. The others chuckled at her actions.

~BT~

A tan cloak fluttered onto the ground. There was no sign of its owner, though. Joseph took off his goggles. "Why? Clearly, I'm alone." He got off his bike and started walking towards the cloak. "Nobody could have followed me all the way out here. I'm out in the middle of nowhere. But I can't shake the feeling…" He grabbed the cloak and threw it behind him. "That someone's here!"

~LBR~

"Did he really expect somebody to be under that?" asked Lynn.

"He's probably just pretending so that he can catch his would-be ambusher off guard," said Lincoln. "Sounds like something JoJo would do, anyway."

~BT~

Joseph closed his eyes and smirked. "Damn my imagination," he said. "Must be the heat playing tricks with my mind." But as the cloak fluttered in the dry winds, a gloved hand gripping a familiar segmented knife came out of it. Joseph saw the shadow of the knife and turned around to block the attack, but he couldn't stop the knife from piercing his arm.

~LBR~

"Where did he come from?!" asked Lincoln. "Was he… did he actually hide under the cloak? How did he do that?"

"Maybe he hid behind a cactus or something," suggested Luna. "The whole place is full of them."

~BT~

Joseph stumbled as the figure jumped away, the cloak being pulled back. They perched themselves on a cactus, revealing brown boots and a tight black bodysuit as part of their outfit. "Well, aren't you a sharp one?" said the pursuer in a German accent. It was a dark-skinned man with a large cleft chin, maroon hair, and dark red marks around and above his light blue eyes. Over his black sleeveless suit, he wore a maroon top with gray buttons and yellow trim on the outline of his torso and the collar. "You somehow sensed my presence, although I was engaging my skills of stealth this entire time. Even wild bats can't do that."

~LBR~

"Looks like one of the major's elites, that or a German bounty hunter," said Luan.

"And he's not a vampire or a zombie, otherwise he'd be nothing but a pair of combat boots filled with ash," said Lana.

"I'm just surprised that this guy somehow kept up with a motorcycle," said Lynn. "He must be one heck of a long jumper."

~BT~

"Why the hell are you following me? I've got no business with you!" shouted Joseph.

"Oh, I'm not following," said the man. "I'm in the business of capturing, see. Our army would like to ask you some questions about Straizo, JOSEPH JOESTAR!"

"Straizo?" asked Joseph. "Why would you be interested in him? And who is 'our army?'" Before the hunter could respond, the opening began.

~LBR~

"So this guy is JoJo's next opponent," said Lynn. "Probably just a warm-up exercise compared to Stroheim and the Pillar Man."

"He's still a lot more dangerous than the cops and that gangster," said Lincoln. "Unlike those guys, this man actually landed a hit."

"I'm still more worried about whatever comes out of that pillar," said Luan. "They're giving it a lot of blood to drink up. And who knows how strong that guy will be when he wakes up from his beauty sleep?"

"He's nothing that JoJo can't take care of!" said Lana confidently.

"Looks like it's time to find out, dudes," said Luna as she pointed to the screen, the music dying down.

~BT~

The episode resumed with Joseph staring down his pursuer, jacket blowing in the desert wind. The title of the episode was in the bottom right corner, translated as "Episode 12: The Pillar Man."

"By your accent, the cut of your face, and your smell, I'd guess you're German," said Joseph.

~LBR~

"Well, that was just rude," said Lana.

"Hey, these were different times for England and Germany," said Luan. "They were at war, after all. Besides, Joseph isn't known for being polite to anybody save his friends and family, so I doubt he'd just tip that hat for some weirdo with a knife following him everywhere."

~BT~

"I want to know what business a thug like you has with either Straizo OR Speedwagon!" demanded Joseph before he threw his aviator hat to the side. "But if you're not gonna say anything, I don't mind having to beat some answers outta you!"

"You think you can take on the blade of S.S. Commander Donovan with just your bare hands, little boy?" asked the man, Donovan. He licked his brown leather gloves in anticipation. "I'm almost insulted."

~LBR~

"Donovan? That's another reference!" said Luna. "He's a Scottish musician, has a Beatles kinda style with a whole bunch of mixed styles."

"As long as he isn't as creepy as this guy, I might give him a listen," said Luan.

"I'm getting Doobie flashbacks," muttered Lynn. "Where's an anvil when you need one?"

~BT~

Donovan pulled his arm back, dagger at the ready. "But since you insist, I'm happy to oblige!" he shouted as he jumped from his prickly perch towards Joseph.

"Great!" said Joseph. "But how about I give you back your flea-ridden magic rag?!" He threw the shroud in front of him to blind and trap Donovan, the commander covered by the cloak. The reverberating sound of Hamon rang out as Joseph punched the cloak and the man behind inside of it. To his surprise, he was the one who felt a surge of pain, pulling back his fist to reveal several spikes sticking out of it. "Gah, cactus needles!"

~LBR~

"Ooh, that had to hurt," said Lincoln as he gripped his hand.

~BT~

As Joseph's fist twisted in immense pain, Donovan threw off the shroud and gripped Joseph's collar. Before the Englishman could react, the German's knee slammed into his face hard enough to make him spit blood. Joseph fell to the ground beside a cactus, while the recoil let Donovan right himself midair and land on his feet.

As soon as Joseph hit the ground, a boot was pressed against his face and grinding against his cheek. "Victory!" shouted Donovan, looking down at his opponent with crossed arms. "I really thought that you were going to give me more of a challenge there. What happened, little boy?!"

~LBR~

"Stop calling him that! It's weird and gross!" said Lana, pointing at the screen as if she were scolding the character like a dog that tracked mud in the house.

"And he's over six feet tall!" pointed out Luan.

~BT~

Donovan leaned over and stuck out his tongue. "Repeat after me! 'I never should have challenged your superior power, Herr Donovan!'"

~LBR~

"And now he's messing up JoJo's catchphrase!" said Lynn.

~BT~

"I… I never should have challenged your… superior power," choked Joseph.

"What's that?" asked Donovan with a hand to his ear. "I can't hear you!"

"I underestimated your etiquette."

"Huh?" grunted Donovan.

"You really are quite the gentleman for letting me rest right here and giving me these moments to recover safely!" The camera pulled back to reveal waves of Hamon pulsing through the ground.

~LBR~

"Looks like JoJo has another trick up his sleeve," said Luna. "And right on the fly too."

"He said it himself, he's very fast," said Lincoln. "In mind and body!"

~BT~

"What are you talking about? 'Recover safely?'" asked Donovan. He didn't notice as a chunk of the cactus next to him began to expand, crackling with Hamon. "Have you lost your mind, little boy?" The angle changed to Donovan and the back of the expanding cactus, showing a slowly growing hole opposite of the expansion.

Donovan finally noticed the odd sight. "Wait a sec, what's this? What's up with this cactus?"

"You should take a closer look," said Joseph. Donovan did just that, leaning in and putting a hand on his chin in thought. The cactus suddenly burst open like a balloon, chunks of it spraying everywhere as its needles flew in every direction. Donovan recoiled in pain and screamed as the prickles stuck themselves in his body, his fingers twitching while Joseph stood up behind him.

~LBR~

"Guess the Wehrmacht didn't hire this guy for his common sense," snarked Luan.

"Yowch! They're even in his tongue!" said Lynn.

"Serves him right for sticking it out like a creep!" said Lana.

~BT~

Donovan held his head and shook it as he tried to get over the pain. With his back turned, Joseph took the opportunity to kick the mercenary to the ground. Donovan skidded to a stop on the stone before Joseph put his foot on his head, their positions now reversed. "That cactus was my goal all along, Herr Donovan!" explained Joseph with a hand leaning against his head. "Cacti are made up of nearly ninety-five percent water, and they're known to be fabulous conductors of Hamon. Now then, repeat after me, Herr Donovan! 'I promise to tell Joseph Joestar everything!'"

~LBR~

"Nice reversal," said Lynn. "JoJo's on point today."

~BT~

The scene cut to a shot of the sun, a somber piano piece playing. The camera cut back to the desert, lowering to Joseph sitting on his unmoving motorcycle. "Okay then," he said. "When Speedwagon's body disappeared, I swore to myself that I would never give up hope, no matter what." The camera was on his goggles, which he held in his hands. A single tear fell onto one of the lenses. "Turns out he was safe all along. Man, it's nice to hear some good news for a change." He put the goggles on his forehead with a smile. "I can't wait to tell Granny Erina! She'll be so happy to hear about this!"

~LBR~

"Heck yeah she'll be," said Lana. "Especially after what happened in the restaurant."

"Looks like JoJo was just as hopeful as you were," said Lincoln, smiling at his younger sister.

~BT~

He put the goggles over his eyes, smile disappearing. 'Although,' he thought, 'there's no way of telling how the Germans have actually been treating him.' Translucent images of Speedwagon and Erina smiling side by side appeared in the sky. 'Regardless, I'll bring him home, and Granny Erina's smile will shine like the midday sun.'

With that in mind, Joseph turned the key and fired up the engine. Cranking the accelerator twice, he sped off with renewed vigor.

"Hey!" shouted Donovan, who Joseph had tied to a cactus upside-down. "Don't leave!"

~LBR~

The Louds couldn't help but laugh at Donovan's predicament. "Look, it's the world's ugliest piñata!" laughed Luan. "You think candy will come out if you whack him?"

"Maybe JoJo didn't do it hard enough," said Luna.

~BT~

The scene cut to the metal room which held the Pillar Man. The disgusting slurping sound echoed along the steel walls, the pipes leading to the pillar shaking as blood flowed through them. "Look, Major von Stroheim!" yelled one of the scientists. "The pillar's shell is starting to crack!"

"It's currently holding the blood of five prisoners," said another, the lights in the control room having been dimmed. "We still don't know what its full capabilities are. Feeding it any more could push it beyond our established safety zone!"

~LBR~

"Cowards," muttered Lynn. "You've got to give it 110 percent!"

"I'm worried for you, Lynn," said Luna.

~BT~

"Hmm," said Stroheim as he stood up, putting a hand near his face. "I'm curious how the blood was extracted in the first place." He then held his hand out in a stopping motion as he sloshed the water in his mug. "No, wait! I don't want to know. I can imagine what sort of things you came up with." He walked over to the sink and took a sip of his water, gargling it and spitting it out before he left his mug behind.

Turning around, he looked at Speedwagon, who was staring at the Pillar Man in terror and shaking like a leaf. "Oh, Speedwagon~," said Stroheim in a coy voice, hands behind his back. As he got closer, it was revealed that Speedwagon was sitting in a wheelchair so that the Germans could move him around, since he was still bound by the straitjacket. "No need to look so pale," said the major as he got behind Speedwagon and put a hand on his shoulder. "I told you from the start there was nothing to fear."

~LBR~

"And now you're just jinxing it," said Lana. "If something bad wasn't gonna happen before, it is now thanks to you."

~BT~

"Stop being so arrogant!" shouted Speedwagon, a purple filter covering his panicked face. "You've no idea what he's capable of!"

"Relax, old man," said Stroheim as he walked in front of him. "That test chamber is impenetrable." The scene cut back to said test chamber. "It has iron walls nearly twenty inches thick. It's equipped with flamethrowers, machine guns, and explosives if we need them."

~LBR~

"Realistically, the best weapon to deal with this thing would be a sunroof," said Luan. "I guess nobody thought to shed some light on that!" Her siblings groaned as she chuckled to herself.

~BT~

Stroheim turned back around on his heel. "I shouldn't be surprised that all of your courage doesn't even add up to what I have in my little finger!" yelled the major, pointing to said little finger. "You coward!"

Stroheim got right up in Speedwagon's face. "Want to know what I think, Speedwagon? I think that thing is simply a statue of petrified caveman bones that's wasting my time!"

~LBR~

"Yeah, forget the major archeological discovery of an ancient human being," said Lynn, rolling her eyes. "Even I know that just because something can't fight in a war, that doesn't mean it's useless."

~BT~

Suddenly, a crack in the pillar sprayed blood like a fountain. More and more cracks opened in the stone shell, spewing the visceral contents. "Major, he's erupting!" shouted a soldier. Speedwagon broke into a cold sweat as he saw the scene unfold, screams dying in his tightened throat. Stroheim simply looked behind him with a curious grunt.

"It's blood!" shouted a scientist. "That blood it took in is spraying out everywhere! I can't see a thing!"

"Activate the sprinkler system!" ordered Stroheim. Sprinklers at the top of the test chamber slowly sprang to life, a soft drizzling of water dousing the blood and cleaning the viewing window. But as the blood was washed off the pillar, something else sprang to life. The stone body of the slumbering Pillar Man started to change colors, becoming that of flesh. It opened its mouth as it took in the first breath of air in centuries. The scientists and Stroheim gasped, Speedwagon trembling as his sounds of terror went up an octave.

~LBR~

"No way," said Lincoln, completely dumbfounded. "The Pillar Man… he's free!"

"What has science done…" muttered Lana.

"Just saying that whatever happens to these guys, save Speedwagon, is their own freaking fault," said Luna as she crossed her arms. "What, do they think they'll be able to control that thing? May as well try to catch the wind."

~BT~

The Pillar Man slowly started falling from his stone prison, pieces of stone armor breaking off. Before long, he was completely free as he fell to the floor. The scientists and the soldiers gasped. Speedwagon kept trembling, paralyzed in horror. But Stroheim had a wide-eyed look and a sinister smile as the fruits of their labor had paid off. The Pillar Man was finally free.

The sprinklers kept spraying as the Pillar Man lay on the metal floor, hands pressed against it. "His outer layer is transforming!" shouted a scientist. "It looks like it's morphing into flesh!" The Pillar Man had olive skin, his body rippling with muscles. All he wore was a simple leather loincloth, and he had long vermillion hair. Slowly, he pushed against the floor as he tried to stand. "He's trying to move! I-I think he's alive!"

~LBR~

"You 'think?'" asked Luan, arching an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure that dead things don't try to get up."

~BT~

Stroheim stared at the sight, hands on the control panels. He stood up and burst into maniacal laughter. "Well, he'll need a name. Something better than 'The Pillar Man.' As his new godfather, I suppose this task falls onto me. Let me see…" Stroheim thought for a second before leaning into the camera. "I'll name him after the Mexican winds! He shall be known as Santana!"

~LBR~

"And that's another musical reference to add to the list," said Luna. "It's a rock band founded by this Mexican-American guitarist named Carlos Santana. The dude can play like a dream!"

"Is there really a wind called Santana?" asked Lincoln.

"No idea, bro," admitted Luna.

"Might as well try and look it up," said Lincoln, pulling out his phone and putting it into the search bar. "Well, there's a wind called Santa Ana. Must be that."

"And in this week's episode of things I learned that will probably never matter, Stinkoln is filling in for Lisa, surprisingly," said Lynn.

"Glad I could help!"

~BT~

The sprinklers slowly stopped, with only a few drops of water that were left in the pipes trickling down. At this point, the newly christened Santana was on his hands and toes, mist from the sprinklers surrounding him. "Look, he's trying to stand!" said Stroheim. "Rise before us! Rise up and show us what you are made of, Santana!" Slowly but surely, Santana rose to his feet, moved to take a step, and promptly slipped on the wet floor and fell on his face. He trembled and grunted, the scientists watching the display with confusion.

~LBR~

"Hahahahahahaha! Oh man, they should've added a wet floor sign or something!" laughed Luan. Her siblings joined in laughing at the pratfall, caught completely off guard.

~BT~

Santana raised his head, revealing thick eyebrows and a gear-shaped mark under his left eye. He started smelling the surrounding area, almost like an animal trying to get a feel for its new surroundings. He managed to stand with much more success the second time around, rolling his shoulders and loudly cracking his neck. He moved his arms around to try and straighten his back, then started scratching the top of his head like he was combing for something.

Stroheim burst into laughter at the display, pointing at Santana with tears in his eyes as his cackling filled the room. Speedwagon was shocked that he found the display so entertaining, as he was still overcome with fear.

~LBR~

"I've got good news, Luan!" said Lana with a toothy smile. "You're off the top ten most annoying laughs I've ever heard!"

"I'd take offense, but I'm glad that there's at least ten laughs you hate more than mine," said Luan.

"Out of morbid curiosity, what's the top spot?" asked Lynn.

"That one monkey thing Jabba has," said the animal lover.

"Oh yeah, that thing," said Lincoln. "Ugh."

~BT~

"You see that?!" wheezed Stroheim between guffaws. "Santana might have a future doing comedy in the cabaret! The ultimate organism? More like the ultimate idiot!"

~LBR~

"Yes, by all means, keep insulting the centuries-old monster. Nothing is gonna go wrong," said Lincoln. "What next, is he gonna paint a target on his uniform?"

~BT~

Stroheim turned around and pointed at the display window. "What do you think there, Speedwagon? He's got the brains of a feral animal! He's trying to smell his way around! He's really just a primitive man!"

~LBR~

"Oh my god, can this guy SHUT HIS FACE HOLE for even a minute?!" shouted Luna. "This dude is the worst!"

"You can say that again," muttered Lynn.

~BT~

Speedwagon was in shock, unable to respond. A color shift happened as Stroheim turned back to face the test chamber, the uniforms and hair of the soldiers turning different shades of blue. "This is a farce!" declared Stroheim with a smirk. "Regardless, let's just move on and assume he made the masks!" He turned to one of his subordinates. "You there, start the experiment." He used his thumb to point to the wall. "Somebody open the door to the next chamber."

"Yes sir!" replied the soldier.

~LBR~

"I'm guessing that there's a Rubik's Cube or something in the next room to test his intelligence," said Lana with a chuckle.

"'To test your strength, you will remove the lid from this jar of pickles,'" joked Lincoln. "'And make it snappy, I haven't had lunch yet.'"

~BT~

The shot changed to behind a circular door that slowly opened with a loud mechanical whir, revealing the chamber with a now red fog. Santana, now sporting blue hair and a white loincloth, turned to face whatever was inside. He covered his face with his arm as what was behind the door was revealed. It was a muscular pale-skinned figure wearing nothing but blue briefs and arm bands, on its knees and toes with both hands pressed against the roof of the chamber.

~LBR~

"Why the heck was it posed like that?" asked Lynn. "Nobody could see it, and there's no way that's comfortable."

"I've given up trying to make sense of the posing," admitted Lincoln.

~BT~

Speedwagon gasped, his hair and restraints now sea green. "What… What's that supposed to be?" he asked, having finally found his voice.

"A prisoner," said Stroheim. "Well, a prisoner with a mask, actually."

"Is that a vampire?" asked Speedwagon.

The camera cut back to said vampire, panning up its body until its face was in view. It had red eyes, a purple mark on its lower forehead, purple spirals below its eyes, and large red and green earrings. It also had purple nails which were long and sharp, and a fog was coming from its mouth. "Only a few days ago, that thing was a feeble, toothless old man knocking on death's door! We still haven't fed him today, so he must be thirsty. I think he'll go straight for the attack!" As the vampire stared at Santana, his body seemed to ripple as images of his body floated around him. "Who will win? I can hardly wait!"

~LBR~

"This will be over quickly," said Lana. "And probably result in something that'll haunt my nightmares."

~BT~

With a shriek, the vampire lunged forward. Both of its clawed hands pierced the Pillar Man, going through to the other side. Oddly enough, there wasn't a drop of blood.

"What? That's all?" asked Stroheim, hands on the controls as he leaned over. "He didn't even put up a fight! He's an ordinary man after all!"

"We don't have any other subjects for this test, Major von Stroheim," said one of the scientists, catching said major's attention.

"We planted explosives in the prisoner's head for this exact situation," said another. "Just give us the word and we'll activate them immediately!"

Stroheim turned back to the scene before him. "Major?" asked the first scientist.

"Fine!" snapped Stroheim.

~LBR~

"Again, sunroof," said Luan. "Would've been a lot easier."

"But not nearly as fun as flamethrowers and explosives," said Lynn.

~BT~

The vampire opened its mouth wide and bit down on Santana's neck. An orange filter covered the Pillar Man as he stared blankly, barely reacting to the sharp teeth that just pierced his body. Suddenly, as the vampire tried to suck his blood, his body appeared to phase into Santana.

~LBR~

"Now what's happening?! Is he a ghost or something?" asked Luna.

"He has been in that pillar for centuries," said Lincoln.

~BT~

Speedwagon gasped in shock. "Wait! Stop!" shouted Stroheim as he pointed at the testing room. "I rescind the order! His jaw, look! What's happening there with his jaw?!"

The scene cut to the test chamber as the vampire kept sinking into Santana, the latter pointing his hand at his face. "His hands, his arms! What's going on with his arms?" Suddenly, Santana turned his body, taking the vampire's lower jaw with it. It was gone, having somehow been absorbed into Santana's body. The Pillar Man lifted his arm and pulled his torso back, revealing that a chunk of the vampire's arm and most of his chest and stomach was gone too. "I'd given him up for dead in the beginning, but look. Santana is somehow absorbing the prisoner!"

~LBR~

"Oh my god," muttered Lynn. "How is JoJo supposed to fight this thing?! Any hits he lands might lead him to being eaten!"

"And I thought drinking blood through fingers and hair was weird, but this guy's pretty much got an entire body for a mouth! That's so freaky!" shouted Lana, though she had a smile on her face all the same. To her, this was a good kind of weird and gross.

~BT~

The prisoner let out a gurgled scream, its lower jaw and part of its neck having been torn away. Santana suddenly grabbed its head. As the prisoner struggled to escape his grip, Santana brought its head to his chest as he started absorbing the rest of its body. The vampire screamed the whole time, its cries becoming gurgled and faint. "He's pulling him straight into his body! He's devouring him!" shrieked Stroheim. A red filter covered Santana and a yellow one coated the prisoner as the former kept absorbing his meal. It was only now that two small black horns were made visible in Santana's mess of hair.

"What a marvelous creature!" shouted Stroheim. "The masked man was no more than fodder for him! Santana feeds with his entire body!" The scene cut to a closer shot that showed Stroheim was now sweating, fear starting to sink in. "So—So nothing is lost! He can absorb every bit of his prey's life force, down to the last drop!"

~LBR~

"And it was in that moment that Stroheim knew he screwed up," said Luan, a goofy grin forming on her face. Lynn saw it and immediately realized what was coming.

"Don't you dare…"

"MAJORLY!" It took every last bit of strength that Luna, Lincoln, and Lana had to stop Lynn from throttling Luan then and there, Luan laughing all the while. "Oh, come on! Cut me some slack, Lynn! It was right there on a silver platter! It'd be a crime not to say it!" After a few minutes of threats and curses from Lynn, she finally calmed down enough for her siblings to release her.

~BT~

Once more, Speedwagon was terrified. He was scared enough when he saw Santana up and about, but now he knew a fraction of what this monster was capable of. "He ate him!" shouted one of the scientists. "He actually ate the masked man!"

"How is that even possible?!" asked another.

The scene cut back to Santana, posing with his arms bent behind his head. The legs of the vampire had yet to be fully absorbed, and were sticking out of his chest. This also helped to show that Santana had grown a bit, his muscular frame even larger than before. "Ah! And now look!" shouted another scientist. "He's grown… something!"

~LBR~

"Now that's freaky," said Lincoln. "How big is this guy gonna get?"

"We barely know what Santana can do, and what we do know is horrifying," said Luna. "Imagine being there, just one room away from this abomination."

~BT~

"Get a grip," said Stroheim as he walked up to the scientists. "As long as he's still in that chamber, he can't hurt you. He just gained a little weight after his feeding! That's all it is."

~LBR~

"Someone's in denial~," sang Lana, Hops croaking in agreement from her overall pocket.

~BT~

"His… his intelligence." Stroheim turned around to see Speedwagon talking to him. "And what about his intelligence? What level of thought is he capable of?"

It was Stroheim's turn to go silent, unable to answer his prisoner's questions. "Huh!" he gasped before turning back around, hoping to see the answer for himself. Santana had finished his meal, and seemed to be staring directly at the major and his associates through the window.

"Ma… Major von Stro… Stroheim."

A sinister sting played as Stroheim leaned forward and put his hands on the control panels. "What?! But how did he— he said— HOW COULD HE KNOW MY NAME?! He's not even supposed to be able to hear anything from in there!" Santana just glared, eyes unblinking as the show's logo appeared in the corner.

~LBR~

From the moment that Santana spoke to the halfway point, none of the Louds made even the slightest noise, not even a breath. "Guess that… um… gimme a sec here," stumbled Luan, desperately wanting to make a joke to lighten the mood. Making her family happy was one of her favorite things to do, after all. But her mind was drawing a complete blank, her well of pun-spiriation running dry.

"You're good, Luan," said Luna with a wave of her hand, staring at the paused scene. "I don't blame you."

"What the hell was that?" muttered Lynn underneath her breath. "Did he absorb the guy's memories when he swallowed him whole?"

"For a while, I didn't think he could talk at all," said Lana.

"I guess we were right," said Lincoln as he picked up the controller. "This thing is worse than even Dio." With that ominous note filling the air, he hit the play button.

~BT~

The episode resumed on a shot of binoculars, Joseph peering through them. The hacienda that the Germans were using as a base was visible in the reflection of the lenses. 'There it is,' thought Joseph. The camera cut to a shot of the base before pulling back, the air over the sand rippling from the heat. Joseph was propped up on a slanted rock with his elbows. 'According to my dangling cactus pal, Donovan, the underground facility I'm looking for is hidden down there somewhere. If he was telling the truth, Speedwagon should be inside.' He moved the binoculars and propped a hand against his head. 'So now, how am I supposed to get in there?'

~LBR~

"My suggestion? Look for a box to hide under," said Lincoln.

~BT~

The scene cut to the gate to the village, a stone arch with a palm tree in front of it. "Vegetables, canned goods, meat, ham, eggs," listed a man with a German accent, likely a security guard. "Looks like you've got a nice basket of food there, alright!" The scene cut to the outer wall. Four women holding baskets were visible: one elderly, three younger, no more than their late twenties. All of them had looks of worry.

The scene cut again to two German soldiers. One of them had a large scar on his face that curved between his left eye and nose, going down to his chin. He had his palm pointed at the women, fingers apart. The other soldier had his eyes half-lidded and his tongue sticking out, bending and unbending his fingers in a perverted manner. He had a few stray bangs peeking out from under his helmet.

"Now then," said Scar, his deeper voice indicating that Bangs was the one talking earlier, "it's time for the frisking!"

~LBR~

"Oh god," muttered Luna. She felt this was gonna go EXACTLY where she thought it would.

~BT~

One of the soldiers started to rub his hands along the dress of one of the younger women. She let out an uncomfortable moan as his disgusting fingers brushed against her upper leg. "Oh, come on now," said Bangs with a creepy face, Scar now sticking his tongue out, "stop making that face! You can give me a little smile!"

Scar turned to the others. "Lift up your skirts and smile!" he said with a beckoning index finger. The two younger women begrudgingly complied, lifting their skirts from the front while the camera moved to the back. Scar put a hand on his chin and bent down, "inspecting" the two with a creepy smile and chuckle. The women blushed furiously in embarrassment.

~LBR~

"Ugh, I don't like this at all," muttered Lana, hands over her eyes.

"I think I need to run my eyes and brain through the washing machine. On heavy duty," said Luan. "What even is this? This isn't fun, this show is just showing off the worst of humanity!"

"Buck up, Loud!" yelled Lynn in her best coach voice, startling the comedian. "Just remember that the worse they are, the more satisfying their comeuppance will be."

"Yeah, you're right," said Luan as she turned back to the TV. "Thanks, Lynn."

"Don't mention it."

~BT~

"You're clear to go!" said Scar, the women relieved that they could lower their skirts. "Next!"

The next person to be inspected was… a sight to behold. It was Joseph Joestar, having disguised himself in drag. He was wearing a purple dress with light red and yellow triangular patterns and golden beads around the collar and along the sleeves. He was also wearing pink air decorations with fringe sticking out, a golden necklace, and golden earrings that looked like three coins stuck together. He even put on lipstick and blush to complete the disguise, and had stuffed something into the dress to make his chest bigger. In his left hand was a bottle of tequila, an identical bottle in a basket hung around his arm. He had his hip sticking out and one eye closed, his lips pursed together. "All I've got under my skirt is more tequila, big boy!" said Joseph in an over the top falsetto. "Is it alright to bring that through too?"

The soldiers just glared at Joseph with a violet background behind them, not impressed in the slightest. Joseph let out a flirty sigh and put a hand to his face, doing his best to charm the two.

~LBR~

Five sets of jaws hit the floor, the Louds staring slack-jawed and buggy-eyed at the sight before them. A chuckle came out of Luan's mouth as the corner of her lips twitched. Then another, and another. Finally she burst into roaring laughter. She was laughing like she never laughed before, and that was saying something. Tears formed in her eyes as she bent over, clutching her stomach. She bent over so much she actually fell onto the floor. This just made her laugh even harder as she turned onto her back.

The other Louds were in hysterics as well, though none of them toppled over. "What the heck led to THAT being his plan A?!" laughed Lynn.

"Where did he even get all that stuff?" chuckled Lana as she wiped a tear away.

"That line, that face! It's all too good!" snickered Lincoln.

"Hahahahaha! Unpause, get him off the screen!" laughed Luan. "Hahaha! It's too much! Ha ha! I can't breathe!"

It was quite a while before everybody was finally calmed down, the uproar of laughter reduced to a few giggles. Luan climbed back onto the couch and sat in her spot. "Let's see how JoJo DRAGS this one out. Haha, get it?" Whether it was the timing or the lingering mood, this got a round of chuckles out of her siblings.

~BT~

The soldiers raised their guns, pointing them at Joseph. "Hands up in the air!" ordered Bangs.

"Any funny moves and we shoot you dead!" threatened Scar.

"What?" asked Joseph, feigning ignorance as he pulled the other bottle of tequila out and started strutting towards the gate. "Put your guns down! I haven't done anything!"

~LBR~

"I still can't believe he actually thought this would work," chuckled Luna. "This guy's a treat."

~BT~

"That's a funny move there!" shouted Scar.

"FIRE!" yelled Bangs.

"Nooooo!" begged Joseph, raising his hands. "Please don't shoot! I'm not moving and I've got my hands in the air!" He turned his head to the side, annoyed expression on his face. "Alright," he said, using his normal voice. "Damn, you Germans are so smart! You saw through my disguise almost immediately!"

"Are you crazy?" asked Bangs with a smirk. "Of course we saw through that thing! You're disgusting!"

~LBR~

"Yeah, and you're clearly the picture of beauty," said Lincoln, rolling his eyes.

~BT~

"Even my big sister isn't as ugly as you, and we used her to plow the fields!" laughed Scar. "She was an ox!"

~LBR~

"That's… disturbing," said Lana.

"Let's move on, please, before the implications sink in," said Lynn.

~BT~

"You should have spent more time in front of the mirror this morning, big sissy!" insulted Scar.

"What was that?!" shouted Joseph, turning his head back to the two. The soldiers just chuckled as they pointed their guns at him. The sound of Hamon filled the air as the familiar golden energy surrounded the neck of the tequila bottles. "Hamon!" The pressure from the liquor launched the corks into the air like rockets, some of the tequila splashing out.

The corks flew to the top of the palm tree and hit the coconuts dangling under the leaves. Two of them were knocked loose, falling down and conking the soldiers in the face. As soon as they were distracted, Joseph ran up and swept his leg out, kicking the two in their heads and sending them flying. "OH, JEEZ!" the guards shouted mid-flight, landing with a loud thud offscreen.

~LBR~

"Now that was awesome!" cheered Luan. "That'll teach them for saying JoJo isn't pretty!"

~BT~

The scene cut to the side of the wall, two trails in the sand from Joseph dragging the unconscious guards out of sight. "Well, that was disappointingly easy," muttered Joseph. The scene cut to him wearing one of their uniforms, trying to button up the jacket. The guards had been stripped down to their boxers. "If I can get this thing to fit," he said, turning around while leaving the jacket unbuttoned, "this uniform should work nicely." He pulled down the helmet a bit to hide his eyes.

~LBR~

"Pretty smart, using their uniforms to sneak in undetected," said Lincoln.

"If he only needed the one, why did he strip both of them?" asked Lynn.

"Guess his rippling guns were too powerful for the first uniform, so he needed to use the other," said Luna with a shrug.

~BT~

The scene cut back to the control room. "What— What's going on?" asked one of the scientists.

"I— I don't know," said a second.

"You don't know?" asked a third. "Weren't you watching?"

~LBR~

"What's going on in there?" wondered Lana.

"Nothing good, that's for sure," said Lincoln.

~BT~

"Major von Stroheim, I only looked away for a moment," said a scientist with a blonde flat hairstyle. "Surely, you understand?" The scene cut to his face, showing his panicked expression and his shaking hands. "I mean, you were here as well, right? Everybody here was watching! It just… happens that nobody saw anything."

Stroheim just stared at the scientist, sitting at a desk with his hands folded. The scientist reached for a mug of coffee on the desk, his shaking hands causing the mug to clink against the saucer. As he went to take a sip, Stroheim got up and slapped it out of his hands. "Put that coffee DOWN!" he ordered, the mug shattering on the floor and spilling the precious coffee everywhere.

~LBR~

"'Put that cookie down! Now!'" quoted Luan.

~BT~

The scientist put a hand over his mouth. "It was only for a moment. I took my eyes off him for just a few seconds. That's all, I swear! It makes no sense! I mean, my vision is perfect!" Stroheim gasped as the scientist kept explaining, his voice becoming more frantic with every word. "We all have a clear view! But we don't know what happened!" Speedwagon started trembling at this point. "This is unbelievable!"

The scene cut to a shot inside the test chamber, showing the empty pillar still supported by the pipes. "The chamber is completely sealed, and still the subject managed to escape!"

~LBR~

"Oh, DUDE," muttered Luna. "Santana is free?!"

"That guy is walking around the facility by himself? Who knows what kind of havoc he can do?!" asked Lincoln.

"Hopefully, he'll start with Stroheim," said Lynn.

~BT~

"None of the walls show any sign of damage!" said the second scientist.

"I don't care what you saw," barked Stroheim, "I want him found!" The major had stood up and was facing the wall opposite of the window, one hand on his hip and another clenched into a fist. "Keep in mind that he may have concealed himself somewhere inside the chamber! Simply cut off the oxygen supply in there. He'll turn up when he finds out he can't breathe."

As Stroheim gave this order, the sound of a metal door opening and closing was heard. The scene cut to a soldier standing by said door, something tucked under his arm. "The recorded film is now ready for your viewing, Major von Stroheim!" he announced.

"What are you waiting for, set it up!"

"Yes sir!"

~LBR~

"Time to watch the Nazi Pillar Man Experiment blooper reel!" said Lynn.

"Complete with a live studio audience!" added Lana.

"Ugh, I hate that," said Luan. "It always feels so artificial these days, since the laughter is just a button they press. Let the audience decide what's funny for themselves!"

"Sounds like you need that more than anybody," teased Luna.

"Hey, I get plenty of laughs at the Chortle Portal!"

"Can we get back to the show, please?" asked Lincoln. "Instead of fighting?"

"Okay," said Luna, turning to her roommate. "Sorry, sis."

"No hard feelings, that was a low-level heckle anyway," said Luan, hugging her older sister. Lincoln smiled at the two before resuming the episode.

~BT~

The soldier placed the heavy projector down on a table with help from another, setting it up to play the film reel. "Roll the film," ordered Stroheim. The projector started up, the searchlights in the room being turned off. The film was projected onto a viewing window, the classic startup counting up from one to three before an image of Santana appeared.

~LBR~

"Wait, that's weird," said Luan. "Film leaders are supposed to count down, not up."

"Of all things, THAT'S weird to you?" asked Lynn. Luan just shrugged in response.

~BT~

The film showed Santana cracking his neck back and forth, then interlocking his fingers in a clasp and rolling his wrists. It seemed like he was trying to ensure his body was limber, though for what was unclear. The Pillar Man opened his eyes and started sprinting across the chamber floor. "See that? He's running towards the wall," commented Stroheim, sweat running down his face. "Ja, but why?"

Once Santana reached the iron wall, he kicked off of it and flew into the air. He slowly lifted his right arm straight up as a gross crunching sound could be heard. Suddenly, his shoulders seemed to twist and contort themselves, his shoulder blades pushing together. The fingers on his raised hand twisted together like coiled strings. As his body turned around, his face had been stretched out and distorted.

~LBR~

"Oh man, and I thought the Zoom Punch was bad! It looks like he's breaking every bone in his body to do that!" screamed Luna.

"It's like he can manipulate his body in any way he can think of," said Lincoln. "This'll definitely make for an interesting fight."

~BT~

The scientists all gasped at the display, Stroheim in complete shock. "Was ist los?" he asked as the scene cut to Santana worming his way into a slot on the wall. "He's squeezing himself into the ventilation ducts! Those slots are less than two inches tall! How the hell could anyone possibly stuff an entire body through a gap that small?!"

An orange filter covered Speedwagon as he stared at the film, mesmerized and horrified by the display. 'Incredible!' he thought. 'He didn't simply dislocate his joints, he somehow disassembled his entire skeleton so that he could completely alter his shape at will!' The colors returned to normal as the last of the film was fed into the projector. Everyone present stared at the recording of an empty room before the projector was shut off, the searchlights turning back on.

"You know what this means," said Speedwagon with a grave expression. "He is now wandering around freely somewhere in your base's ventilation system!"

"Santana already knew your name somehow, Major von Stroheim," said a scientist with glasses, "and I think I might know how." The scene cut to the various air vents in the control, a sinister sting with each cut to a different vent. "The only way that would be possible is if he heard your name through the vents."

~LBR~

"Is it just me, or is this turning into an Alien movie all of a sudden?" asked Lana.

"Okay, how do you know what that is?" asked Luna.

"I checked out freaky-looking aliens on the internet," admitted Lana sheepishly. "I just thought they'd be cool, I didn't expect them to give me nightmares."

"So that explains why you and Leni spent a night holed up in her room, crying about brain-sucking aliens," said Luan.

~BT~

Stroheim turned around, even more panicked than before. "The vents lead directly into this room!" He held his hand out to a guard standing by the vent. "You, soldier!" he ordered, the guard turning around when he was addressed. "Turn around and move away from that vent immediately! Go, you idiot!" The soldier in question turned back to the vent curiously, grabbing his gun and inching towards it with his finger on the trigger.

~LBR~

"Yep, that settles it," said Lynn as she threw her hands into the air. "The whole Mexican base is where the German army dumps their craziest, stupidest, and most obnoxious soldiers so that nobody else has to deal with them."

~BT~

As the soldier peered into the vent, a pair of blue lights flashed in the darkness. The soldier barely had enough time to scream before whatever was inside rushed towards him. Another color shift occurred, turning the soldier's hat and uniform burgundy, as he recoiled. Sticking out of his face was the body of Santana, the head seemingly inside the man. He writhed in pain, mouth open in a silent scream as the rest of Santana's body slinked into him.

"AAAAAAHHH!" shrieked Stroheim, his hair periwinkle and his uniform an odd mustard yellow. "It's him! It's Santana!"

~LBR~

"Hey, look!" said Luan, pointing at the screen. "Major von Stroheim has been promoted to Colonel Mustard! Hahaha, get it?"

"Uh-huh," nodded Lincoln, too dumbstruck by what Santana had done to the soldier to register what she said.

~BT~

"Ahhh! What's happening to me?!" screamed the soldier as he turned around, those that were near him backing away as he stumbled around, eyes cast in shadow. "Major von Stroheim, what's happening? Where did everybody go?! And why is it so dark in here?! Why can't I see anything?! Somebody please help me, I can't see! What's he doing to me?!"

"Santana is trying to take control of that soldier's body!" concluded Speedwagon, his straitjacket the same color as Stroheim's uniform.

~LBR~

"It's like he's a parasite," said Lana. "This is a whole new level of creepy."

~BT~

Everyone in the room gasped. "Someone, anyone, please don't leave me alone!" begged the soldier as he gripped his head and hunched over, his body trembling. "You can't abandon me! Don't leave me here alone with him inside meEEUGH!" His body started to warp and bulge, the soldiers and scientists gasping in horror as his voice became gurgled and incoherent. As his chest, neck, and face swelled up like a fleshy balloon, the soldier let out screams of anguish.

Finally, his body transformed, his jacket being torn apart. His chest and stomach were grotesquely distended, his cheeks bulging as well as though his body was ready to pop. Drool waterfalled from his mouth, lips twisted into a creepy smile. Only one eye was visible, said eye bulging out of his skull. "Well, well," said the mutated soldier with a much deeper voice. "I don't fully understand what's happening here, but I feel like I'm practically bursting with new life!"

~LBR~

"The slightest breeze could probably burst him literally," said Luna.

"Santana turned him into a Left 4 Dead monster," said Lincoln, staring at the abomination that was once a man.

~BT~

'What a catastrophe,' thought Stroheim as he pulled down the brim of his hat. 'If this thing escapes, I'll be known for creating the fatherland's most powerful enemy!' He gripped a fist in frustration, eyes shut tight.

~LBR~

"Glad to see he has his priorities straight," said Luan with a roll of her eyes.

"At least he's taking responsibility, so that's something," said Lynn.

"And he seems a little more concerned about his country than himself," said Lincoln. "Maybe he's not as bad as we thought he was."

"I'm not gonna hold my breath," said Lana.

~BT~

"We must destroy him!" yelled a soldier.

Stroheim opened his eyes, face full of determination despite the nervous sweating. 'At this point, it's either him or us.' "Very well, take him out!" He moved his hand to the side before pointing his hand at Santana's host. "Open fire and shred that monster to pieces!"

His men did not need to be told twice, four soldiers pointing their machine guns and firing a hailstorm of lead. The bullets pierced the monster's body as he laughed in delight. "Stop, that tickles!" he shouted. Finally, he fell to the floor face-first with a splatter of blood, the men holding their fire. Their still smoking guns were pointed at their enemy just in case that assault wasn't enough.

As it turned out, it wasn't. Mumbling, the monster lifted his arm and started to push himself up, lifting his head. "AAAAAUGH! He's still alive!" screamed one of the soldiers as the host started crawling forward. "Impossible!"

"The bullets, they have no effect on him!" shouted another. Stroheim just stared at the sight in horror, unable to speak as his eye twitched.

~LBR~

"Getting a real case of deja vu here," said Lynn.

~BT~

"He's an abomination!" said a soldier as the monstrosity rose to his feet, still laughing. Slowly, he lifted his right hand and pointed his finger at the four, hand turned to the side as though pointing a finger gun. This odd action started freaking out the soldiers.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"Why is he pointing at us?"

"Nobody move!" ordered Stroheim. "Don't you see he's imitating one of your machine guns?" The scene cut back to the host, a disturbing smile on his face as he raised his pointed finger. "Look! He's just copying what he's seeing!"

~LBR~

"'Quickly now, one of you shoot yourself in the foot and see if he copies it! I may have a plan that will involve only a small number of casualties!'" joked Luna.

~BT~

The scene cut back to Stroheim, a smug smirk on his face. "So, when he spoke earlier, he only SAID my name," said Stroheim, "but did not understand it, which means he's not intelligent! He just apes what he sees!" He tilted his head up as a scheming smile grew. "And that gives me a great idea! If he's only capable of acting like a monkey, we should start preparations for using him like one!"

~LBR~

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!" shouted Lynn, making Lana and Lincoln jump a bit. "He just freaking ate a vampire, snuck into the room you're all in, and is now inside one of your guys planning to do god knows what, and you still insult him and plan on using him like a trained animal? Are you actually stupid, or did you finally snap?!"

~BT~

Suddenly, the lower jaw of the host seemed to decay and fall off. "You…" said a deep, reverberating voice. It had no accent to speak of, this being the voice of Santana through the body of the soldier. "Which one of you… was fool enough to disturb my slumber?"

~LBR~

As terrified as Lincoln was, he couldn't resist. "'Touch nothing but the lamp,'" he said in as deep a voice as his prepubescent vocal cords could muster.

~BT~

"He-He spoke!" shouted Stroheim, backing away.

"He's clearly capable of higher thought," said Speedwagon, Stroheim turning to his prisoner. "I'd bet he possesses a great intelligence! He just learned our language. Don't you understand that he did that in almost no time?" Stroheim just stood there, whimpering.

"Die," said Santana, Stroheim and Speedwagon turning to face him. The pointing hand of the host burst apart, leaving Santana's hand in the same position. The soldiers gasped as he extended his arm, the remains of the hand falling to the floor.

"What the-" started a soldier before the tip of Santana's finger burst open, a bullet flying from it and blasting the soldier right in the forehead. The soldier flew backwards as his scream of pain petered out, dead before he hit the ground. Four soldiers stared at his corpse in shock.

~LBR~

"Now that's what I call a finger gun!" said Luan.

"Hold on a sec, something's weird," said Lana.

"What's up, dude?" asked Luna.

"Okay, so four guards shot at Santana, right?" asked Lana, her siblings nodding. "Well, including the one who just got shot, there's five of them now."

"Huh, weird," said Lynn.

~BT~

"That must've been one of our bullets!" said one of the soldiers. "He's shooting at us! He's gonna kill us all!"

~LBR~

"Look, now there's four again, including the dead guy!" said Lana. "What's going on?"

"I think I know what's going on," said Lincoln as he recalled an earlier scene.

~BT~

Speedwagon stared at the body in shock, a soldier with spiky hair and obscured eyes leaning towards him. "Let's go, old man. We better get you to safety. There's no telling how many more bullets that monster might have inside of him."

~LBR~

"Ohhhh," said Lana. "It was Joseph! That makes sense!"

"And he couldn't have arrived at a better time!" said Lynn.

~BT~

"Just leave me!" said Speedwagon as he struggled against his restraints. "The last thing I need right now is help from a German flunky!"

"What a pain," said the soldier, walking in front of Speedwagon's wheelchair and getting into a pose. His legs and arms were bent, left arm facing down and right arm facing up. "You never change. I'm glad to see that you're still just as stubborn as ever." Speedwagon looked at the soldier, recognition seeping in.

The screen briefly cut to black as something tore open, Stroheim and his lackeys staring in horror as the color shift came to an end. Santana literally stepped out of his host body, ripping the corpse to shreds as he exited it like a suit. He got on one knee and held an arm to the floor, a green sparkling filter covering him as blood dripped down his body. Santana slowly looked up at the group, face without emotion.

"AHHHH! Some-Somebody do something! Open fire!" begged Stroheim as Santana rose to his feet. The mysterious soldier took off like a shot, sprinting towards Stroheim. "No! Stay away!"

~LBR~

"Is he screaming at Santana or JoJo?" wondered Lincoln.

"Probably Santana, but the thought of him being so scared of one of his own men is a little funny," said Luan.

~BT~

The soldier grabbed Stroheim's hair, knocking his cap off. The major squirmed in anger and discomfort. "Pardon me. I'll need a bit of your hair. Just a small handful or two."

"What do you think you're doing?!" shrieked the major. "Let me go!"

"The more you fight, the more it will hurt."

"You're assaulting a superior officer! Ow!" yelled Stroheim as the soldier ripped a small clump of hair from his head.

~LBR~

"And thus Stroheim's cycle of retribution begins," laughed Lynn.

"I'd ask why Joseph didn't use his own hair, but considering how painful that would be and what Stroheim's hair looks like, I can't complain," said Luna.

~BT~

"Who are you?" asked Speedwagon. "I know that demeanor, but it couldn't be-"

An electric guitar started playing as the background turned crimson. The lump of hair in the soldier's hand started to ripple as a golden aura coated it. "I call this one the old Hamon Hair Attack!" shouted the soldier as his accent changed from German to British, getting on one knee and putting his hand beside his head. The hairs suddenly straightened out like needles, the soldier throwing his hand in the air and jumping to his feet. His helmet flew off as he did so, the heavy headgear falling to the ground. Yet another color shift occurred: the walls and floor of the room were red, the Hamon user's hair was light blue, and the uniforms of all the military people except for the Hamon user were cerulean.

~LBR~

"What the heck? This is the third time they've used different color shifts in this episode! Take a chill pill!" said Lana.

~BT~

Speedwagon gasped. "But that means… that means you're… Joseph Joestar!" he yelled, the unmasked Joseph smirking with a hand full of Hamon-filled hair.

Santana unleashed a barrage of bullets from his fingertips, the recycled bullets mowing down the soldiers and scientists like they were nothing. But Joseph wasn't about to let him or Speedwagon suffer the same fate. "Barrier up!" he shouted as he threw the hair in front of him. The bullets that were aimed at him, Speedwagon and Stroheim were deflected by the hair barricade, Joseph spinning his arms around to keep the Hamon flowing. Eventually, the sound of gunfire died out as Santana ran out of bullets.

~LBR~

"That was awesome! Probably one of the weirdest and coolest uses of Hamon I've seen yet!" cheered Lincoln.

"You said it, little bro!" said Lynn with a fist pump.

~BT~

Smoke seeped from Santana's open fingertips as the opening bars of Roundabout played, a brief shot of the floor by Joseph's feet revealing a small pile of bullets. Santana's fingers slowly closed up.

"You're gonna lose your hair if you're not careful, mister German army man," said Joseph, dropping the hairs as Stroheim held where they had been ripped out. "That felt like sandpaper. You should consider investing in a decent moisturizer."

"But how long have you been here, Joseph?" asked Speedwagon.

Joseph turned around and raised two fingers. "Nyeh, just got here."

Santana knelt down and picked up one of the hairs from the Hamon Hair Attack. "Ha… hair," he said.

Joseph turned around and took off his "borrowed" jacket, revealing a star-shaped mark below his shoulder. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "I'd have been here sooner if I'd known what kind of party was going on." With that, the "To Be Continued" arrow appeared.

~LBR~

"Oh yeah! Next episode, JoJo versus Santana!" cheered Lynn.

"Wait a sec, was that a star tattoo on his neck?" asked Luan. "I guess it makes sense for-"

"We already made that joke," said Lana.

"Really? Dang! Wait, how so?"

"Jonathan had the same tattoo," said Luna as she pointed to where the mark was. "Must be a birthmark or something."

"Anyway, you girls ready for the next episode?" asked Lincoln.

"Born ready!" said Lynn. "This is the last episode before I'm off to my game, so let's make it count!"


Happy New Year, everybody! This was another chapter that was a long time coming. Especially considering this episode has one of the best moments from my favorite JoJo. Anyway, not much else to say, so let's move on to the guest reviews!

Bruuh: I'll still keep going, don't worry. And I celebrate Christmas.

Mudad: I've gone over this before. I won't use name changes that were made to avoid copyright, but I will use ones that are from translations.

And that's it! Catch you all next time! Starpion out!