Fire in my Head

CW: Discussions of emotional and sexual abuse, exploitation, sex work, and drug abuse.


2375

Within an hour of the vision's end, Tuvok and I were seated on the couch in Captain Janeway's ready room. The meld had left me with an abnormal sense of inner calm. I didn't fidget, shake my leg, or wring my hands. I simply sat, watching Janeway rest her hip against the rail and cross her arms, waiting for an explanation.

Tuvok was more unsettled than I'd ever known him to be. He did his best to conceal any outward displays of anxiety, but I could tell by the way Janeway looked at him that even she had noticed the difference.

Inwardly, his katra sent a barrage of strong emotions my way—feeling after feeling, mixed and overlapping. It was chaos. I knew they had all originated in me, and he only carried them because of the meld. Yet somehow, for the first time in perhaps ever, I was able to passively observe them as they came and went, like a mindfulness exercise that came inexplicably naturally to me.

Was that what it had felt like for him ever since the day he saved my life and bound our souls together?

The words flowed easily from my lips as I explained everything to the captain—the promise Alixia asked me to make, the dream-visions she'd given me, and the dark future they revealed. I told her about the Emissary—that he was the Prophet who had come with me to Voyager to guide us along our path.

Were it not for the meld, I may very well have held my tongue from pure embarrassment. It was all so absurd, so far-fetched, and so mystical—way outside of anything I would have normally considered to be likely or rational. I sounded like one of the ancient ranjen-poets telling their flowery bullshit tales of miracles and visions and prophecies.

Except it wasn't bullshit—not this time, at least.

Janeway kept a mostly-neutral expression until I mentioned that, after the Borg invasion of Cardassian space, Section 31 had grown and become a legitimate branch of Starfleet. Her eyes widened at that, but little did she know what was coming.

"The Cardassian representatives wanted collateral for their intel," I told her. "They wanted the identity of the agent in attendance. There were actually three officers at that meeting who had connections to Section 31, but the Cardassians didn't know that."

When I paused, Janeway's brows lifted. "And? Who was the agent?"

"Myself and Dr. Julian Bashir were loosely connected due, at least in part, to our research. But the agent who revealed their identity to Iliana and Garak—" I paused again. "It was you, Captain."

She gaped at me, eyes so wide I thought they might pop out of her head. "Me?"

I studied her carefully, looking for any sign of ambivalence or deception. It wasn't so long ago that she'd first brought up Section 31 to me, and every sign pointed to her not being one of them at the present moment. Still, she could have been lying. "Are you currently affiliated with Section 31?"

She looked at Tuvok. "You didn't tell her?"

"I did not, Captain," he said.

Janeway looked again at me. "No, Commander, I am not affiliated with Section 31. In fact, Mister Tuvok and I have been actively working to investigate Section 31 for nearly a decade in hopes of eventually exposing them in a way that will leave Starfleet no choice but to eliminate the agency and strike them from the Federation Charter. So you can imagine my surprise at your claim that I will work for them in the future."

"The Federation changed after the Borg took the Cardassian Union," I said. "Starfleet changed. There was no exploration anymore—only defense. Only survival."

"Given the imminent threat of war with the Borg, I can't say I'm surprised. What's that old saying? 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.' I suppose that's what I decided to do."

"Indeed," Tuvok agreed.

Janeway sighed. "What else did you see?"

I told her about the intel Iliana and Garak had shared at that meeting. "They knew Marnah worked for Section 31. Evidently, when Gul Dukat joined the Dominion and slaughtered the Bajorans of Valo, he ordered that Marnah be captured alive. He had her brought back to Cardassian space so they could probe her mind for information. They learned about my genetic enhancements, as well as my brother's. There were a few other things they learned, but it wasn't much, so they put her into stasis. But the war went badly for them, and she was forgotten. When the Borg invaded, she was assimilated."

"So your mother is alive?"

Tuvok hissed.

Janeway's eyes flicked to him. "Tuvok? Are—"

His strained voice cut her off before she could ask after his well-being. "I apologize, Captain, for the outburst."

I didn't need to look at him to know he was feeling my pain at the thought of Cardassian torturers carving up Marnah's brain with lasers at that very moment. I took an unsteady breath and pushed the thought aside. "Yes. She is alive and in the custody of the Dominion. If this future comes to fruition, the Borg will know all she knows. They will turn her into a weapon to bring the last remaining Borg faction to heel under the queen."

Janeway frowned. "Which queen?"

"The one Annika knew from Unimatrix Zero, the El-Aurian named Loran. The next vision I saw—the first one Tuvok experienced—placed me in Annika's head. She was in Loran's custody."

"Is she there now?"

"No. Right now, she's somewhere working with the Unimatrix Zero rebellion. But the rebellion won't succeed. A few years from now, Loran will capture Annika and destroy the last remnants of the rebellion. She'll use Annika's knowledge to assimilate all the rival Borg factions into her own. Then she'll use Annika against us."

Janeway looked away for a moment, silently absorbing the weight of my words.

"Captain," I added, "Loran is a predator. She lied to everyone in Unimatrix Zero about who she is. She has abused Annika in more ways than one, and she will abuse her again if we don't get to Annika first."

Janeway frowned, returning her gaze to me. "A Borg who can lie, manipulate, and wield absolute power over the collective mind? How is that even possible?"

"I don't know. I didn't see how it worked, and evidently all my experience and research into Borg psychology in the future couldn't explain it, either. But I think that I might be at least partially responsible for her coming to power."

"Oh? And what makes you say that?"

"Because I was designed to be a weapon against the Borg."

Janeway's eyes bulged. "I beg your pardon?"

"By Section 31," I clarified. "After El-Aurian refugees brought stories of the Borg with them to the Federation, Section 31 designed a bioweapon—a genetic modification that would infect the entire collective and disrupt their neural link. What we saw on that sphere after the virus was released? That's what would have happened to all of the Borg."

"But when it was combined with Iliana's virus for splitting Unimatrix Zero drones from the rest of the collective," she said, "it split the entire Borg collective into pieces."

"Right. But things didn't work out like anyone thought they would. And now I can no longer be an effective weapon because all of the Borg factions are familiar with my DNA and have been able to adapt. Whoever did this acted too soon."

Janeway sighed. "We need to find out who modified those nanoprobes."

Tuvok spoke up. "During the meeting in which intel regarding General Eelo was discussed, it was stated that Captain Michael Thomas Paris was responsible for recruiting her into Section 31. Perhaps clandestine activity, much like formal Starfleet service, is a Paris family affair."

I frowned, a sick feeling bubbling up inside of me. For the first time since the meld, I couldn't entirely suppress it. "You think Tom is involved in this?"

Tuvok seemed to sit up straighter, as if the effects of the meld were beginning to wane. "Mister Paris does have access to sickbay, and he is unusually adept at medical practice for a flight control technician—above and beyond even his medic training. Additionally, if you will recall, it was Mister Paris who diverted us from our course to examine the strange readings put off by the gravitational anomaly."

The sick feeling in my stomach swelled. I shook my head. "No. No way did he take us there on purpose. That's completely ridiculous."

"I understand your skepticism, Miss Eelo," Tuvok said. "However, I believe it is a possibility that we cannot afford to overlook."

"I agree," said Janeway. "We'll meet again tomorrow and have Mister Paris join us for questioning. For now, I recommend that you both get some sleep."

Tuvok nodded. "Aye, Captain."

"Captain," I said, forcing my mind away from the strange turn towards Tom and back onto the bigger picture, "you understand that our endgame has to change now, don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"We can't just stay on our course towards home and let this war resolve itself. If we do, the Borg will win. Then they'll bring war to the Federation and, eventually, win that one, too."

Janeway sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "And what do you suggest that we do about it?"

"Find Annika and help Unimatrix Zero win."

Dropping her hand to the side, Janeway flashed me an agonized look. "Did Alixia or your Emissary tell you this?"

I shook my head. "They didn't have to."

Her eyes slid sideways. "And you, Tuvok? What do you think about this?"

"I also got that impression from the final vision. However, I think it would be wise to avoid making too hasty a decision on this matter."

Janeway considered us for a moment, then sighed and dipped her head. "Get some sleep—both of you. We'll discuss it further in the morning."


I did not sleep well.

Every so often, when I did manage to lose consciousness, my overactive mind would bring up horrifying images. I'd see Marnah's assimilated corpse on a biobed, Loran's teeth stained with Annika's blood, a thousand Borg ships swarming Bajor, and Tom steering our doomed shuttle into the gravity sinkwell despite my pleas for a return to Voyager.

Needless to say, it was a very long night.

The next day's senior staff briefing was postponed until after our meeting with Tom. Captain Janeway, Tuvok, Tom and I sat clustered around the head of the table, and Janeway locked down the room so thoroughly that only a red alert could have interrupted us.

Tuvok and I had both returned to our normal, pre-meld, selves. He sat straight and still, his expression neutral. I felt like I would rather jump out of my skin and disappear through the nearest airlock rather than have to face the possibility of betrayal from my longtime best friend.

Tom glanced from one person to the next as he shifted nervously in his chair. His eyes lingered on me, and he gave a questioning look.

I turned decisively towards the captain.

Thankfully, she took the hint. "Mister Paris, I have asked you here this morning so that we might discuss a matter of upmost urgency. It is imperative that you answer honestly, regardless of what any other authority may have ordered you to do." Leaning forward, she fixed him with a firm, narrow-eyed glare. "Not only is this a matter of Voyager's security, but the survival of the Federation, and perhaps the entire galaxy."

Tom's eyes went wide. "Captain?"

"What do you know about Section 31?"

He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing beneath the skin of his throat. For a long, drawn-out moment, he didn't reply, nor did he break the captain's gaze. Finally, he licked his lips and huffed a laugh. "Galactic security, huh?"

"Perhaps," Janeway said, her tone entirely devoid of the levity Tom had forced into his.

Tom raised his eyebrows. "You're not sure?"

"If Lieutenant Commander Eelo's Prophet-friend is to be believed, then yes, that's exactly what is at stake. But I haven't quite made up my mind yet."

His eyes slid over to me. "What do you know?"

"You first."

The ice in my voice seemed to shatter his flippant attitude. He glanced from me to Janeway and Tuvok, then ran a hand over his face and sighed heavily. "Shit."

"What do you know, Tom?" Janeway prodded.

"Honestly? Not much." When Janeway twitched an eyebrow in response, Tom threw up his hands. "It's true. I was only ever on the fringes. She never told me anything."

"To what 'she' are you referring?" Tuvok asked.

Again, he looked at me—this time with an expression of apology. "My handler, Eelo Fayeni."

"When were you recruited into Section 31?"

Tom's eyes went to Tuvok. "That's gonna take some explaining."

Janeway folded her hands on the table. "We're listening."

He hung his head and sighed. The room fell into uncomfortable silence for several seconds before he relented. "Alright." When he looked up, he looked Janeway in the eyes. "In high school, I was introduced to a little drug we called 'snick.'"

"Snick?" Tuvok asked.

"Cylestamine," I said. "The kids at academy prep used to call it 'snick' because of the sound the vial made when inserted into a hypospray."

"I see."

Tom pressed onward. "Anyway, I developed a bit of a problem. My parents didn't know anything until after Tal convinced me to get help." He scoffed. "Dad was furious. After that, I just about moved in with Tal's family—at least until he cooled down. Treatment worked like a charm, and I managed to stay mostly clean through the academy. I didn't touch it after I graduated. I thought it was behind me.

"After I was discharged from Starfleet, I took the first transport out of Sol system. I didn't care where I was going, just as long as no one could find me. Wasn't long before I found some snick, and I—" He looked down at his hands. "It destroyed what little was left of my life. Within a year, I had a bounty on my head for all the debts I racked up and couldn't pay. I tried to disappear, but then some hulking Bajoran guys picked me up on Neethia and brought me to Tal's mom."

"What did General Eelo tell you about Section 31?" Tuvok asked.

Tom looked up. "Nothing at that point. It wouldn't have mattered if she did, cuz by the time I got there I was sick from withdrawal. She gave me a stash and said if I did everything she told me to, she'd take care of me. So I did. I showed face in the Maquis camps, tested with their highest-ranking pilot, crashed parties, fucked around, picked fights, and made sure everyone knew my name. Exactly as she said.

"After about a week or so, a bounty hunter came looking for me. Found me on the come-down from a dose. I didn't have the energy to fight back, but Eelo stopped him. Killed him right in front of me. Then she put me on a raider and flew us out of the Badlands."

I frowned. "Why didn't I know about any of this?"

"You were out on a mission, and no one else noticed the hunter. I was..." Tom swallowed hard. "I was strung out behind your bunkhouse, but of course no one was there. Didn't your mom tell you anything?"

Anger heated my muscles. I squeezed my hands into fists and shook my head. "No. She didn't. I thought you just left, like you did after Caldik."

He winced.

For a moment, no one spoke. Then Janeway said, "Go on, Tom."

He nodded. "On the raider, Eelo told me she was an operative for some secret agency, though she didn't give me a name. Said I had potential, but I needed to prove myself. Hard to do with bounty hunters on my tail and a drug problem. But she said if I laid low, got myself off snick, and gave her agency what they needed, I'd get money to pay off my debts and opportunities with her agency that I couldn't have dreamed of in the fleet.

"I jumped at it, of course. A chance to pay off my debts, stay out of prison, and be a pilot again? No way I was turning that down. Only..." he looked down at the table. "The place she took me was a pleasure house in the Orion district on Qo'nos."

My stomach turned.

"She slipped a databank into my pocket and dragged me in there as if she'd caught me on the run. Told them I owed her a lot of money but I was too pretty to go to jail, so I was gonna work it off there. I didn't really wanna do it, but at that point I wasn't exactly in a position to argue. They gave me a job, food to eat, less-harmful drugs to keep withdrawl at bay, and a room to work and sleep in. So I did it. And every time one of her people came around, I gave them all the intelligence I could."

His confession was like taking a hard punch to the gut. The air seemed to get sucked right out of me. Breakfast threatened to make a reappearance. Even after Caldik Prime, after he ran away without saying goodbye, I would have let the whole Federation turn to ashes rather than use Tom's weaknesses against him or exploit him like that for any cause. But Marnah was a kind of ruthless that I would never be.

A kind I never wanted to be.

"I stayed at the pleasure house gathering intel for months," Tom continued. "One of my most interesting clients was a Betazoid woman named Syrenna, who was clearly hiding something important, but I couldn't figure out what. When she found out I used to be a pilot, she offered me a ship. Evidently, her husband had a shipping business, and he needed good pilots who could outrun raiding parties along the Cardassian border. I told her I was the man for the job, so she took me to meet her husband.

"When I saw the guy, I couldn't believe my eyes. He used to be my grandpa Mike's aide way back when I was a kid. He was much older, of course, but still, it was a weird coincidence. Except that it wasn't actually a coincidence. The guy's name was Luther Sloane, and he said he worked for Section 31. So did his wife, but she wasn't really his wife. The piloting job was just a cover. What they really wanted was for me to pass them information on Eelo and the Maquis."

Janeway frowned. "Did they tell you why?"

"Only that they thought she might've had divided loyalties, and they wanted a non-Bajoran keeping an eye on her."

She turned to Tuvok, who offered a look of mild surprise.

"Not too long after that, Eelo sent Seska to bring me back into direct involvement with the Maquis, using my ship to run supplies."

I held up a hand. "Wait a minute. If you were working separately for two operatives of Section 31, why did they let you get arrested by Starfleet?"

Tom shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Like I said, they didn't tell me anything. I was just a messenger. If I had to guess, though—" He paused.

"What?"

His eyes softened. "Your mom might have suspected I was spying on her, but lately I've started to think that was only part of the reason. She knew—" He licked his lips and swallowed hard. "She always knew how I felt about you, Tal. But she also knew I was a fuckboy, and she knew you weren't ready to settle down to be the Eelo tahl'ral yet, so she didn't bother to intervene... until that night, when you visited me on my cargo ship."

With his admission, a jumbled mess of puzzle pieces suddenly fell into place. I thought about how Marnah had questioned my affection for Tom the very next day. How suddenly she had cut Seska from her inner circle after learning that Seska left Tom for Chakotay. How she had thrust me at Chakotay, knowing how competitive I could get around Seska. She'd been manipulating all of them just to manipulate me.

"She did it to split us up," I murmured.

Tom nodded. "I think so."

"Because I was supposed to be the future of the Eelo house. Because your Sloane guy was right—her loyalties were divided between serving the Federation and restoring glory to Bajor."

"Yeah."

For a moment, no one spoke, allowing our new realization some time to sink into our minds.

Tom broke the silence, stretching his hands towards me. "Tal, I'm so, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me for all of this?"

The sound of his pleading voice snapped me from the haze of epiphany. As I looked at him, the question that had kept me up all night slammed into my mind, sending a hot jolt of anger through me. "The gravitational anomaly. Why did you redirect our course for background subspace fluctuations?"

Tom's face drained of color. He shook his head—slowly at first, but then more quickly. "N-no. Tal, no. I didn't—"

My eyes filled with tears. "I was at ops, Tom, and I didn't see it. How did you know it was there? And why did you even give a shit?"

He ground his teeth to stifle a sob, but he couldn't stop the moisture welling up in his own eyes. He looked like he was in physical pain. "I didn't—"

Slapping the table with my palm, I stood and leaned over it so that my face was level with his. "Why, Tom? Why did you take us there?"

"Commander," Janeway warned.

"Did you mean for me to be hurt so you could turn me into a weapon?"

Tuvok grabbed my arms, pulling me away from the table.

"Did you tell Annika how to use me against the Borg?"

"Commander Eelo!"

I both heard and felt Tuvok's voice, snapping me out of fight mode and shunting energy into higher parts of my brain. At the same time, he sent waves of calm through his katra like a cooling balm on my hot emotions. Suddenly, I realized that Tom was crying, and then I started to do the same. "I'm sorry," I choked out. "Tom, I'm sorry."

It took Tom several seconds to regain the ability to speak. "It wasn't my idea. I promise. I don't even know what you're talking about."

"Tom," Janeway said, "whose idea was it?"

He glanced around at each of us, looking hesitant to snitch on someone else. When his eyes came back to me, he relented. "Jenny Delaney. She found the readings using the astrometrics sensor array and ordered me to detour from our return course so I could get her some better data. I didn't know why, or what it was. I swear, Tal, I didn't know. If I had, I never would have... Please believe me."

As I sank back into my seat, I wiped my eyes with the edge of my sleeve and nodded. "I do. I believe you."

"Ensign Delaney ordered you to examine the anomaly?" Tuvok asked.

"She's an agent," Tom said. "In 31, she outranks me."

"I think that the both of you should take the rest of the day off," Janeway said. "Get some rest, go to the holodeck, do whatever you need to do to process this. Obviously, I cannot allow you to share this information with anyone outside of this room. Understood?"

"Yes, Captain," Tom and I replied.

She nodded. "Good. Dismissed."