"So this is it," said Lincoln, screen paused at the very end of the previous episode. "The fight between JoJo and Santana. This is gonna be-"

"Just play it already! I only have time for one more episode!" said Lynn.

"Okay, just trying to get you guys excited," said Lincoln. "Let's do this!"

~BT~

The episode opened with a shot of the sky, the camera panning down to the hacienda as foreboding music played. "JoJo," came Stroheim's voice, a dissolve cut moving to the control room. Joseph was looking at the Pillar Man with a hand on his cheek. A bandage was wrapped around the Hamon user's forearm. "I've heard so much about you." Stroheim grit his teeth as he stood up, putting his hat back on. "Listen, and listen good! Santana here, the so-called Pillar Man, uses a mask to turn men into vampires! He does this to make them stronger, and then he devours them!" As Stroheim spoke, the camera cut between Santana and Joseph as they stared at each other.

~LBR~

"What would be the point of making them stronger before eating them? Does he like to work for his food?" wondered Luna.

"I know I do," said Lynn.

"No you don't," said Lana. "The most work you've done is trying to fit those giant subs of yours into your mouth."

"And that takes work!"

~BT~

"Destroy him!" shouted Stroheim, his hands on his head. He took them off and held them out at his sides. "Take him out while there's still time!"

Joseph simply lowered his arms, letting the army jacket call to the ground. He inched towards the unflinching Pillar Man with his left arm extended. "Don't do it, JoJo! He's dangerous!" warned Speedwagon. But Joseph paid no mind as he took a couple steps closer. Closer, closer he moved. And once he was in reach of his enemy, this monster who just wiped out three-quarters of the men in the room including five armed guards without any trouble, he moved his hand closer…

and tapped him on the nose. "You're it!" Joseph chuckled as he jumped away from Santana, the latter still unmoving.

~LBR~

"What is he doing?" asked Lincoln.

"Got me," said Luan. "Even I'm not desperate enough to joke with that guy."

~BT~

"Oh, I get it!" said Joseph, pointing at Santana and raising a hand. "You're one of those strong, silent types, right?" He moved his left arm so that his hand was under his head with a curved palm to the ground, his other hand the same with his arm pulled back like it was a snake about to strike. "Ever thought about modeling? You've got a nice look there!" He turned with his left arm sticking right out, his left shoulder facing Santana. "Come on, let's see what you've got! Gimme a smile!"

~LBR~

Luan started giggling at the display. "Okay, this is awesome! Forget what I said earlier, I'd totally try and do this to see if I could get a smile out of him!"

"'And make it real, or else forget about it!'" joked Luna.

~BT~

Speedwagon and Stroheim just stared at Joseph, nonplussed by what was either the bravest or stupidest shenanigans either of them had ever seen. Santana remained as stone-faced as ever. "I know you can do it! Show me some vulnerability!" said Joseph as he wagged his index fingers. "Work with me! Make some love to the camera! Ready, set…" Joseph put his hands under his chin. "Give me happy!" Then he jumped on one foot. "Now be silly! Show us those pearly whites!" Joseph gave a goofy grin as he held out two fingers, the opening starting up.

~LBR~

"This is already an amazing fight!" laughed Lana. "JoJo is the best!"

"I wonder what trick he'll use to fight Santana?" wondered Lincoln. "Maybe an attack from a distance so he won't be absorbed."

"Not to mention what Santana will do," said Lynn. "Did you see how he's able to mess with his body like that? He can probably pull off all kinds of crazy crud in the fight!"

"Just one way to find out, dudes!" said Luna, the group silent save for Luna humming along to the opening.

~BT~

As the episode resumed, the camera was on the metal floor. Bodies were strewn about as pools of drying blood were everywhere. In the corner, the episode's title was displayed, translated as "Episode 13: Joseph vs. The Ultimate Lifeform." "Come on, big guy!" said Joseph. "Smile at the birdie!"

"JoJo!" shouted Stroheim. "Stop this nonsense immediately!"

"Don't provoke him!" screamed Speedwagon. "Please, JoJo, Santana is dangerous!"

"Yeah," said Joseph in a skeptical tone, pointing at the Pillar Man, "I know you think he's dangerous, but I have a theory that maybe he's not so bad."

~LBR~

"Hmm, maybe JoJo can actually befriend this guy," said Lincoln. There was a brief moment of silence as soon as these words left his lips.

"Nah~," said the five in unison.

~BT~

"Let me test something out here." Stroheim was flabbergasted as Joseph spoke. "I don't want to assume he's evil just because he killed a bunch of brainless—"

"What are you, insane?!" interrupted Stroheim as he pointed to the corpses. "If he's not evil, why did he kill all my men?!"

~LBR~

"He does have a point there," said Luna with a shrug. "If nothing else, I don't think those doctors would've done anything to harm him, so it wasn't just self-defense."

~BT~

"Don't know," said Joseph as he marched up to Stroheim. He pointed his finger right in the major's face, pushing on his nose. "Some would say you're responsible for what's happened! Weren't you the one experimenting on him and trying to blast him away in the first place?" He pushed his fingers up Stroheim's nose, making the major groan in discomfort.

~LBR~

"An even better point," said Lynn. "These guys are the ones who kept laughing at him slipping and calling him a brainless animal. Also, I haven't had a reason to want to punch Santana in the face yet. I've had several moments where I wanted to do that to this tool."

~BT~

"Not that I really care about that," said Joseph as he looked away, the camera cutting to the shocked Speedwagon. "The only reason I'm here is to make sure that Speedwagon makes it back to New York safe and sound."

Joseph turned his attention to Santana, who had yet to move a muscle since the Hamon user started taunting him. Joseph smirked as he pushed away Stroheim. "Anyway, I'm not here to fight." He held his hands up in the air before flexing his muscles. "And I'm feeling generous!" he said before moving his arms up and down in a goofy manner. "Come on, loosen up, big guy! How about that smile?"

But as he turned to Santana with closed eyes and an open smile, Santana just walked right by him. Joseph gasped at the sudden movement, the background going pitch-black as Santana walked past him frame by frame.

~LBR~

"Guess he isn't interested in fighting either," said Luan.

"I wonder what he's up to," said Lana. "It's not like there's much to look at in that room."

"Maybe he's gonna use the projector and see how he looks on film," joked Lincoln.

~BT~

Joseph held his upper arm, covered in a gold and purple filter over a red background. "That was rude. He just walked through me like I wasn't even there. Who the hell does this guy think he is?" He suddenly smirked, a mischievous glint in his eye. 'Maybe I should teach him a quick lesson.'

The colors returned to normal as the scene cut to an overhead shot, Joseph pivoting around. "Have a nice trip!" he shouted as he kicked Santana's ankle, a brief flash of Hamon shooting out.

~LBR~

"Hahahaha!" laughed Luan, her siblings looking at her weird.

"Really? That was one of the most basic jokes, dude," said Luna, unimpressed.

"Exactly! It's a classic, same with this line! 'See you next fall!'" Her siblings just rolled their eyes as Lincoln resumed the episode.

~BT~

But something weird happened. Santana's ankle seemed to roll over Joseph's leg, the part of his pants that touched said ankle being ripped apart. Once Santana was past Joseph, his leg returned to normal as Joseph fell onto the ground. Joseph was gasping in disbelief. "Wha-What the hell was that?! That was the weirdest feeling, and it hurt!"

~LBR~

"I've heard about rolling your ankle, but this is ridiculous!" laughed Luan, having too much fun.

"The dude's insane," said Luna. "He can take his skeleton apart like it's made of LEGO and reconstruct it any way he likes. How do you even fight something like that?"

"At least JoJo's Hamon means that he won't end up an after-dinner snack for Santana," said Lana. "At least, I sure hope not."

"Doesn't look like it did much to slow him down," said Lincoln.

~BT~

Santana kept walking until he reached one of the soldier's machine guns, picking it up. "What is this, this… tool?" he asked as he studied the weapon. "Cold, and… long. Many… different pieces."

Speedwagon stared in shock at the Pillar Man, eyes wavering as a purple and orange filter covered his face. 'He DOES understand!' thought the imprisoned tycoon. 'He's not simply mimicking! It took him practically no time at all to completely master our language!'

~LBR~

"At least the words that he'd know, anyway," said Lynn.

"Now I wonder how he'd describe modern day things like video games and cell phones," said Lincoln.

~BT~

In an instant, Santana got to work. He began to disassemble the weapon he had only learned of today as if he had used one his entire life. The three humans just watched in disbelief as the pieces of the machine gun fell to the floor. "Ho…How is he doing that?" asked Joseph as the last piece clattered onto the ground. "He took it apart! He dismantled that entire weapon like some expert gunsmith!"

"It takes a soldier thousands of hours to learn how to field strip his weapon that fast!" shouted Stroheim as he pointed at Santana with a shaking hand.

"He's-He's using his advanced intellect to learn everything!" gasped Speedwagon.

~LBR~

"He's learning pretty fast," said Luna. "He's might be up there with Lisa."

"Not even close," said Lana. "I doubt this guy could build a robot, let alone several."

"Maybe if he knew what a robot was," said Luna. "I doubt any of the others in the show do either. It's 1938."

"Actually, it looks like the word was coined in the 20's," said Lynn, looking at her phone.

"Huh. But I doubt whatever he makes can chill juice boxes," said Lana.

~BT~

Santana shielded his eyes as he turned to the spotlight. "So bright," he said. "This light is new to me. What is it?"

"Don't you see? We weren't the ones observing all this time!" shouted Speedwagon as Joseph ran up to the Pillar Man. The scene cut to Santana's face. "He was actually watching us!"

"Hey big guy, you wanna learn a new joke?" said Joseph as he tapped a small water basin against the back of Santana's head. The Pillar Man's eyes turned to face the distraction. "Just stop me if you've heard this one before." He put a hand on his hip and kept tapping the back of Santana's head. "Knock knock. Knock knock!"

~LBR~

"Who's there?" asked Luan. "Come on, it's just rude not to answer!"

"And it looks like JoJo's fallen into the same trap that he chastised Stroheim for," said Lincoln. "Antagonizing the dude who just killed a bunch of people."

"He's got one thing on him that Stroheim doesn't," said Lana.

"What's that?" asked Lincoln.

"He hasn't called him dumb yet."

~BT~

A split screen of Stroheim appeared as Joseph started pulling on Santana's ear, the major gawking at Joseph's audacity. Another split screen appeared, this one with Speedwagon. "JoJo, get away!" begged Speedwagon.

~LBR~

"And Speedwagon is still the sane one," said Lana.

"What's Stroheim acting all surprised for? He's way more guilty of doing that than Joseph," said Lynn.

~BT~

Santana's rib cage seemed to push against his body from the inside, like an angry twitch. "You are playing games, primitive," said Santana. "I do not… want to play… games!" His ribs started pushing against his sides again, until all eight of them popped out. They were curved backwards and sharpened like meat hooks, shooting out as bony blades.

"What the?!" exclaimed Joseph as the blades circled around him, ready to stab into him. He held his hands up and filled them with Hamon, pushing his forearms against the ribs. He grunted with effort as he struggled to keep himself from being sliced up.

~LBR~

"Aw yeah, now we're talking!" said Lynn as she threw a fist into the air. "The fight is ON!"

~BT~

"Rib Blades," said the narrator, "sometimes known as 'Fighting Ribs.'" A text box appeared with Japanese text relaying what the narrator was saying, alongside two parameters of the technique. The subtitles translated those parameters: "Maximum extension: 132 cm." "Maximum pressure: 825 kg/cm2)." "They're capable of being manipulated in any direction!"

~LBR~

"Why does every enemy have stats for their abilities now?" asked Luna. "Is there gonna be a quiz at the end of the episode? Are we supposed to be writing this stuff down?"

~BT~

"JoJo!" shouted Speedwagon. Joseph was launched into the air, losing his boot on the leg that Santana had touched. The Hamon user hit his back on an air duct above him, still holding his arms in front of his body as he dented the metal. The Hamon fizzled out as Joseph coughed up blood, Santana turning around as he heard the loud crackles of the rippling energy. Joseph fell from the ceiling and collapsed onto his back, limbs splayed out.

"Sparks… energy," said Santana as he retracted his Rib Blades. "This human seems… different from the others." A brief flashback of Joseph struggling against the razor-sharp ribs played as Santana kept monologuing. "I was not able to absorb his body into mine. He just… flew away." Turning to look at Joseph, who had rolled onto his stomach with his face on the floor, he studied his right foot. "And somehow… his leg, it remains. It still seems fine. This one is something… new. I have yet to see… such a human."

Speedwagon stared at the Pillar Man fearfully as he continued. "Is he a unique specimen? Or do all humans of his particular class possess the same properties?" Speedwagon's mouth widened as Santana continued, noises of horror coming out of said mouth. "Could it be related to age?"

~LBR~

"Considering how old Tonpetty was when he helped fight those zombies, I doubt it," said Lincoln.

~BT~

Santana started walking over to Speedwagon, the latter only able to turn his head away as his screams died in his throat. He was covered in a periwinkle filter as the now magenta Santana put his hand against the side of his face, fingers phasing into his body. Speedwagon let out a noise of discomfort before he finally screamed at the top of his lungs, his eyes bulging.

"Ah, now I see," said Santana as he looked up, the color palette restored as Speedwagon whimpered in the background. "My instinct was right. That human… is unique."

~LBR~

"Did Santana just read Speedwagon's mind?!" asked Luan.

"Apparently he did," said Luna. "Not what I expected."

~BT~

Speedwagon continued to panic. "JoJo, please!" he pleaded. "Make him stop, PLEASE!" Stroheim just looked at Joseph in shock as the Joestar started to get up.

"Speedwagon…" muttered Joseph as a techno tune started playing. "That bastard," he growled as he turned to Santana. "Let the old man go, Santana!" Getting up, he raised his fists. "Now I'm in the mood! Come on, big guy, you wanna try and take me on?"

~LBR~

"Oh, now things are REALLY getting good," said Lynn. "Punch this guy back to whatever year he came from, JoJo!"

~BT~

Santana turned to Joseph. "It would… seem… that humans have… evolved… their confidence."

~LBR~

"Why is he talking like that? He's acting like he's always out of breath!" said Lana.

~BT~

The Pillar Man turned to face Joseph as he ran over, pulling a fist back. "Hope you're hungry!" yelled Joseph as his fist shimmered with Hamon. "One Hamon sandwich coming up!" He delivered a powerful punch to Santana's stomach, the Hamon rippling across his body in shimmering rings.

But something wasn't right. Joseph saw small droplets of blood floating around him from the men Santana killed. "What the devil?! My Hamon is making that blood float!" A pull-back of the camera revealed that his Hamon was being forced into the ground. "Something's wrong here! My Hamon is running off him like rain off a raincoat! He's somehow repelling it and pushing it into all of this blood! I don't understand it!"

The angle changed to the emotionless face of Santana. "His skin is acting like a ground! Somehow, it's behaving just like Straizo's scarf!"

~LBR~

"No way," said Luna. "Is… is he immune to Hamon?"

"I don't know if anything short of direct sunlight can take this guy down," said Lincoln. "Maybe JoJo has to blow a hole in the ceiling. Bring the spotlight down on him."

"And probably the whole place along with it," said Luan.

~BT~

"My body… and his body seem to be repelling against one another," said Santana. Suddenly, his stomach seemed to open into a fleshy flower, four flaps closing around Joseph's hand. Joseph screamed as he pulled his arm back while the makeshift mouth shut, his hand completely gone.

~LBR~

"JoJo, no!" screamed Lana. "His hand is gone!" The others were speechless.

~BT~

Joseph gasped in surprise as he saw his hand cut off at the wrist. "Wha… What have you done to my hand?!" Speedwagon and Stroheim gasped in surprise as they saw what happened.

"Wait! It's…" Suddenly, Joseph's hand was back as he rolled his wrist up, the hand never being lost in the first place. He extended his fingers one by one, starting with the pinky as the music cut out. "Still there!" he shouted as he bent his body back. The businessman and the major stared again, but this time in disbelief as Joseph pretended to remove and reattach his thumb. "But check it out! I can completely remove my thumb! Doesn't anyone have a sense of humor left? Come on, guys, this is funny stuff here!"

~LBR~

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" snapped Lynn as she stood on the couch, her screams drowning out the thunderous laughter of Luan and Lincoln. "Are you really gonna screw around like that when he's actively trying to kill you?! Take this seriously!"

"Hey, that's the JoJo charm!" said Luan as she caught her breath, slapping the cushion.

"He's a master magician! I have to pull that trick now!" said Lincoln.

~BT~

Santana didn't find the trick to be particularly funny as his glare hardened. "But seriously, folks," said Joseph, "lucky thing I rolled my wrist just in time. The beast's immune to Hamon." Joseph grit his teeth in frustration.

"That's not true, JoJo!" shouted Speedwagon, gaining Joseph's attention. "Don't you see? It was Hamon that was protecting you! It kept your body from being completely absorbed into that thing!"

"Idiot!" shouted Stroheim. "It's like eating a blowfish for him! He knows he must kill it first, and then remove the poison parts! That is how Santana plans on absorbing JoJo's body!"

~LBR~

"That makes too much sense, honestly," said Lana as she scratched her head. "Like how most people blow on food they drop on the floor before eating it."

"What do you mean by most people?" asked Lynn.

"Well, I'm not most people," said Lana.

"She is the one who ate a green muffin from under the couch," said Lincoln, the youngest one there nodding in confirmation with a wide smile.

~BT~

Joseph was briefly covered in a lime green filter as he put a hand over his face and thought the situation over. "Well, too bad for him I'm not a blowfish," he said. "Regardless, I need to think of something fast here!" He pointed at Santana. "Maybe it's time to make my emergency escape."

"You can't do that!" yelled Stroheim to JoJo's surprise. "The danger of Santana escaping is too high! No one leaves until he's dead!"

~LBR~

"But wouldn't sunlight kill him?" suggested Luan.

"Maybe, but considering the kind of luck our heroes tend to have, the sky will probably be overcast the second they get out of the lab," said Luna.

~BT~

"Oh, shut up!" retorted Joseph as he pointed at Stroheim. "You released this monster, and now you're saying you need someone else to clean up the mess?!" Joseph's eyes briefly moved to the side. "I don't need anything else on my plate, von Stroheim!"

~LBR~

"What was he looking at?" wondered Lincoln.

"Don't know, but I'm sure JoJo has a plan involving it now," said Lana.

~BT~

Joseph gasped as Santana started to sprint towards him, the color shift from the end of the last episode returning. Using his bare foot, he grabbed the handle of a dagger from one of the soldiers and sent it flying into the air. "Ha! Let's see if I can inject some Hamon into his system with something sharp!" shouted Joseph as he grabbed the handle between his toes and pushed the blade towards his opponent.

~LBR~

"Is that what he was looking for? Because it's on his other side," said Lynn. "He was looking at his right, not his left."

"So you're saying that wasn't the RIGHT object?" asked Luan with a chortle, her siblings groaning. "Get it?"

~BT~

But as the blade made contact, Santana's body behaved weirdly. Rather than being pierced, it bent inward like a cushion as a sound effect appeared. Joseph gasped as the scene replayed in slow motion, the flesh sinking and stretching as the blade moved in slowly. "His skin is malleable like rubber!" Joseph jumped into the air, using the handle of the knife as a stepping stone and kicking back his left foot.

"See if you can dodge this one, big guy! How about a dose of Hamon right in the eye! I hope you're ready for your can't-miss close-up!" But as a red filter covered Joseph and a green filter covered Santana, the latter's head bent down like a melting wax figurine. Joseph's foot passed right over, much to the shock of Joseph.

"What? That's impossible!" he yelled. "Even his eyes feel like they're some kind of rubber!"

~LBR~

"His bones can be rearranged, his flesh is rubbery and can absorb people… what the heck is this dude?!" asked Luna.

~BT~

A split screen appeared as Speedwagon started yelling at Joseph. "JoJo, get out of there right now!" Just as soon as he said that, Santana bent over and moved his leg over ninety degrees backwards, kicking straight up and hitting Joseph in the chest. "JOJO!"

"That hit to the solar plexus completely knocked the wind out of him!" said Stroheim as Joseph collapsed onto the ground, flat on his back and unmoving.

~LBR~

"Come on, JoJo, get up and fight back! You can't go out with one little hit!" shouted Lynn as she punched the air.

~BT~

As he lowered his leg and stood up straight, Santana observed the unconscious Joseph. "He seems to create… his own energy. He controls it with his breathing. But… lying there now, unconscious," he said, the camera cutting to Joseph as the Pillar Man stepped closer out of view, "he is as vulnerable as any other human." Reaching out, he pressed his fingers against Joseph's face as they started to phase into his body.

"JoJo! You've got to use your Hamon breathing!" yelled Speedwagon. He and the major gasped as Santana lifted Joseph and started to push him into his body head first. Speedwagon screamed in horror. "You've got to breathe!" he yelled before toppling his wheelchair over, unable to do anything but watch as Santana continued to devour his prey. "Use your Hamon breathing! Breathe, damnit! BREEEEEEEATHE!"

~LBR~

"He's asleep! He can't hear you!" yelled Lincoln.

"'I had the weirdest dream. I was flying, and then this little bird started yelling at me to breathe,'" joked Lana.

~BT~

"No! There's no stopping him!" shouted a terror-stricken Stroheim as he turned around and made his way to the control panels. "I've got to initiate the self-destruct sequence!" The camera cut to a spherical metal button, Stroheim breathing heavily as he stared at it. One push of the button would blow the base, and everyone inside, sky high. Including himself. "For the Fatherland," he said as he shakily raised a fist, "and for eternal glor-"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" Stroheim's lowering arm froze in place. In split screens, he, Speedwagon, and Santana looked at the source of the voice in disbelief. The color shift vanished as Joseph Joestar, face halfway inside Santana, smirked at them.

~LBR~

"Wait, he's awake? So he was just pretending to be knocked out?" wondered Luan. "Why would he do that?"

"The reason is bound to be awesome," said Lynn as she crossed her arms and smirked.

~BT~

"Everyone just calm down here," said Joseph as the opening of his theme started playing. "Looks like my gamble paid off! Figuring that attacks from outside are no good, I'm going to send some Hamon into him while he tries to enjoy his meal!"

"JoJo!" yelled Speedwagon in a mixture of relief and concern.

"I waited for you to start devouring me," said Joseph as his entire body glimmered with Hamon. "This is gonna be fun! Enjoy your Hamon blast!" A golden sound effect flew across the screen as Joseph, covered in an orange filter that matched the star-covered background, crossed his arms. A now purple Santana let out a moan of pain as his body was ripped in half, chunks of flesh flying as his legs and stomach were separated. A blue filter covered the screen and froze the scene as the show's logo appeared in the corner.

~LBR~

"That should give Santana a stomachache at least!" said Lincoln as he pumped a fist in the air.

"Even if that probably won't finish him off, Joseph's got a major advantage now!" said Luna. "Hit him where it hurts, JoJo!"

~BT~

When the episode resumed, the two halves of Santana flew away from each other as Hamon crackled throughout his blood. Joseph fell on his side with a grunt as pieces of the Pillar Man fell in front of him, the monster's legs and upper body being behind and in front of him respectively. The Hamon user put a hand to his head as he took deep breaths.

"I… I think I get it," he said. "Now that I've seen him from the inside, I understand. His whole body is one big digestive system! Every one of his cells, they're all filled with aggressive digestive enzymes, making it possible to dissolve his prey! It looks like he's absorbing them, when actually he's digesting them whole!"

~LBR~

"That is super weird and gross," said Lana with a smile. "My kind of bad guy!"

"They just gave an explanation for something horrifying and made it more horrifying in the process," said Luan. "Checks out!"

~BT~

As he finished his explanation, Santana's eyes opened. "Hamon," said Joseph as a yellow and red filter covered his body. "That was what kept me from being digested! I sent it inside him when he tried to eat me!"

"JoJo, your Hamon wasn't enough!" shouted Speedwagon as Santana slowly lifted an arm. "You have to find a way to completely destroy Santana!" He flinched when Santana's upper half flipped itself over, then pushed itself into the air. The Pillar Man started careening towards Joseph. Thinking quickly, the trickster grabbed a knife attached to a chain and threw it at his opponent. The chain wrapped around Santana as the knife stabbed his hands and pinned them together. Pulling the chain, Joseph slammed the ensnared Santana onto the ground.

~LBR~

"So that's what JoJo saw earlier," said Lynn with a snap of her fingers, clenching her hand into a fist. "This is making for a sweet fight!"

~BT~

"The separated parts of Santana are trying to connect to one another," said Joseph as he struggled to keep Santana chained. "That's pretty much exactly what happened with Straizo. Lucky me, I figured you would try to go and do the same thing!"

~LBR~

"And he's using his past experiences to help him in battle again," said Lincoln.

~BT~

"Von Stroheim!" shouted Joseph. Stroheim didn't respond, his entire body quivering as he saw one of Santana's disembodied legs crawling on the floor. Joseph decided to get his attention by throwing an army helmet at him, knocking his hat off. "Come on, get a hold of yourself! Does this thing have any weaknesses?!"

"Uh… sunlight!" said Stroheim. "Ja, that's it!" A yellow-green filter covered Stroheim as the background became a purple version of the temple's stone carvings. "It was there, on the walls of the cave! Sunlight is his natural enemy!" An image of the stone mask scrolled onto the screen. "The very reason he made the masks in the first place was to conquer the sun!"

Joseph smirked at Stroheim's explanation. The scene cut to the heavy metal door of the laboratory as it slowly started to open. With a grunt of effort, Joseph forced it open to reveal a stone staircase.

~LBR~

"Time to bust out the secret technique again?" asked Luna with a smirk.

"And this time, the bad guy is joining him!" laughed Lana.

~BT~

"Are you insane? What are you doing?!" asked Stroheim. "You can't let Santana escape into the outside world!"

The scene cut to the door at the top of the stairs, light peeking through the gaps. Panning down, Joseph was shown to be on the bottom of the stairs as he dragged the Pillar Man's upper half up. "On the contrary, I think he needs to go on a nice sunlit stroll!"

~LBR~

"Do you think this'll work, Lynn?" asked Lincoln.

"Eh, probably not."

~BT~

With immense effort, Joseph started to pull Santana to the door. He was sweating bullets as he inched up the stairs. "He's running out of breath!" screamed Speedwagon. "He won't be able to control his Hamon! He hasn't had enough training with it! This fight has completely exhausted him!"

~LBR~

"Oh, I missed him stating the obvious," said Luna fondly.

"He's been waiting fifty years for a chance like this, and he's gonna take it!" said Lincoln.

"And you can't say that he won't take it lying down!" joked Luan as she pumped her fist in the air.

~BT~

Santana glared at Joseph from his bindings. "Cease this foolishness now, you lowly primitive," he said. A color shift turned the walls and stairs cyan and Santana's hair green, the monster jumping into the air and lunging at Joseph. The Hamon user, whose outfit was blue-green and hair dark green, blocked the overhead strike from Santana's arms, though his wrist was bent backwards by the impact. Joseph was surprised that he was still able to fight back after everything, while Santana merely chuckled.

~LBR~

"Ow, your wrist should NOT bend that way," said Lana as she held her own wrist.

~BT~

"Remember! You must control your Hamon breathing!" yelled Speedwagon, unaffected by the color shift.

"If I could breathe, I probably wouldn't be so tired in the first place!" snapped Joseph as he kept on climbing, desperate to reach the door. "Come on, big guy!" Speedwagon and Stroheim just watched in disbelief at the sheer determination. "I think we've all had just about enough of you! But fortunately for me, we're just a few steps away from the two of us catching some nice rays!"

~LBR~

"Anybody else getting a sense of deja vu?" asked Lynn. "This feels a lot like the rugby scene from the first part."

"Only with higher stakes," said Lincoln.

~BT~

Joseph kept dragging Santana up, only to suddenly stop. "What the hell?" he asked as a gross fleshy sound could be heard in the background. "I… can't move! I feel so heavy!" Looking behind him, he gasped as he saw small chunks of Santana's flesh leaping onto his leg and covering it. "What… What's happening to me?!

A text box appeared beside the wriggling flesh, more chunks jumping on. "Meat Invade; also known as 'Foul Flesh,'" said the narrator.

~LBR~

"Even his pieces are deadly!" shouted Luna in disbelief.

"Man, imagine being the poor guy who got killed by a bunch of evil pork chops," said Luan.

"There are worse ways to go, I'm sure," said Lana with a shrug.

~BT~

'They're pieces of his flesh!' thought Joseph. "They… They're feeding on me!" he shrieked as he collapsed, glaring at the door only a couple feet away as Santana smiled behind him. "You-You son of a… ahhhhhh! Got to stay focused!" Split screens showed Stroheim and Speedwagon watching in shock as Joseph still reached forward despite the parasitic Meat Invade swarming his leg.

~LBR~

"That determination is unreal," said Lincoln.

~BT~

"I never once imagined a human such as you would be born during my slumber," said Santana. Stroheim kept staring at the scene as he sweat bullets. But as Speedwagon watched from the floor, the major took a step forward.

"What?" asked Speedwagon as he looked up at a determined Stroheim, a German chorus in the background as the music changed. Stroheim took off like a shot, jumping up the stairs and past the Englishman and the Pillar Man. Inside the stairway, Stroheim's hair and suit turned lavender while his eyes turned red. He clapped his hands together as he jumped to the door, turning around to face Joseph.

"Joestar! Leave the rest to me, Colonel Rudol von Stroheim!" Stroheim turned back to the door. "Opening the door will end all this," he said. "Allow me to help you destroy this vile creature!"

~LBR~

"Wait a second, he's helping JoJo?!" asked Lincoln. "I didn't expect that at all!"

"And I thought he was a major. What's with the sudden promotion?" asked Luna.

"It's not like he has any men left to correct him," said Lynn.

~BT~

"Wow, Von Stroheim," said Joseph in disbelief. "I would've never thought-" But a sound cut him off as he looked behind him. Santana was leaping into the air, strands of flesh on Joseph's legs to keep him in place.

"Hm," grunted Santana midair, fleshy tentacles extending from his midsection. "Well-attempted, primitives." The tentacles shot out, wrapping around Stroheim's left leg before he could grab the handle. Stroheim screamed in pain as the strips of flesh impaled his leg, tearing his pant leg and boot apart as they fastened themselves to the walls. Stroheim fell to the ground, still reaching for the handle.

~LBR~

"So close, and yet so far," said Lana. "Stupid Santana!"

"Hey, this fight isn't over just yet!" said Lynn.

~BT~

"I can… almost reach the door!" cried out Stroheim.

The camera cut to Santana's eyes as Stroheim attempted to open the door despite his fleshy tethers. "A meaningless struggle," said the Pillar Man, the tentacles pulling Stroheim further away.

Joseph watched the scene in anger. 'This is bad,' he thought.

"Joestar! Get up! Don't just lie there like a baby!" commanded Stroheim.

~LBR~

"Hey, JoJo's stuck too!" said Luan. "It's not like he has much of a choice!"

"Come on, those wimpy things? I've seen shoelaces that are thicker," said Lynn. "He can break through them easily!"

"He's also got those meat chunks eating him," said Luna. "The dude's probably not strong enough to break through them with those things, even if he could use his Hamon at the moment."

"Let's just see what happens and save the debate for when Lynn isn't on a deadline," said Lincoln as he resumed the episode, Lynn giving her brother a smile.

~BT~

"I'm trying to think here!" rebutted Joseph. "If you hadn't noticed, we're both in deep trouble!"

"Sileeeeence!" barked Stroheim. "Do you see those axes on the wall next to you? Reach up and grab one!" Joseph turned to the wall, a pair of crossed axes hanging from the wall. Multiple were lining the hallway. "Take one, and chop off my leg!"

~LBR~

"What the what now?!" shouted Luna in disbelief. "Did he say what I think he did?"

"He just asked JoJo to… to chop his leg off!" said Lana. "That's crazy!"

~BT~

"I-I can't do THAT!" shouted Joseph in disbelief.

"You coward!" bellowed Stroheim. "Cut off my leg, it's the only way we're getting that door open!"

"Maybe you're right, but…" said Joseph, "are you sure about this? I mean, there has got to be some other way!"

~LBR~

"And now JoJo is hesitant to do him harm, even after all he's done," said Luan. "Looks like we all pegged Stroheim wrong. And it looks like they're going to-"

"DO. NOT," said Lynn, Luan nodding fearfully. "Okay, good."

"They're buryin' the hatchet!" Lynn craned her neck back to see Luan with Mr. Coconuts, the dummy shrugging at Lynn. "What?" he "said." "You didn't say nothin' 'bout me sayin' the punchline, toots!" Lynn just groaned as Luna and Lincoln tried not to laugh.

"Hey, she's got a point," said Lana. "It's like when Mom told me I couldn't eat gum off the floor at DairyLand! She didn't say a thing about other stuff!"

~BT~

"Do as I say!" yelled Stroheim, the scene cutting to Santana's leg and organs crawling over to him, reconnecting themselves. "He's recovering, Joestar!"

"But I'm no doctor!" screamed Joseph. "I have no idea how to do this right!"

"I am a proud servant of the Wehrmacht!" yelled Stroheim. "I am prepared to do whatever is required to fulfill my duty! I'd proudly give up my leg for the Fatherland! Now hurry up before it's too late!" The scene cut to Santana standing up, his torso fused back together as his other chunks started to reattach themselves. "Damn it! Do it now, Joestar!"

~LBR~

"Wow," said Lincoln with a smile. "I never thought I'd say this, but… Stroheim is awesome!"

~BT~

"Okay, I'll do it!" said Joseph nervously, standing up and grabbing one of the axes as the color shift ended. "If you really want me to chop it off, then off it goes!"

~LBR~

"Wait, what happened to JoJo's tentacles?" asked Luan. "I don't think those would let him stand up."

"I'd say that Santana would bring them back to himself, but what about the ones on Stroheim?" asked Lynn.

"He must not think that JoJo is much of a threat anymore," said Lana.

"Or he's too busy trying to put himself back together to care," said Luna.

~BT~

"I demand that you chop it off NOW!" screamed Stroheim, his voice hoarse.

'I figured this guy was just some bloated power monger,' thought Joseph as he lifted the axe, 'but I gotta hand it to him. He's got guts! I wish there was some other way, but if he's courageous enough, then…'

"FORGIVE ME!" shrieked Joseph as he swung down the blade, a splash of blood appearing on-screen as the leg was severed. Stroheim's eyes shrunk as he grit his teeth, stifling his screams of pain. Pushing through it, he managed to reach out and grab the handle with a raging cry, pulling it down to open the door and let the sunshine fill the hallway. Santana jumped back as the chain around him shattered, desperate to avoid the sun's rays. As the sunlight touched his skin, he roared in pain as the screen went white.

~LBR~

"They did it!" cheered Lynn. "In the last few seconds on the clock, they pulled out a miracle play!"

~BT~

The scene transitioned to the building they were in, panning down to show a nearby well and the open door to the control room. "Tell me, big guy!" shouted Joseph. "How does that sunshine feel on your skin?!" Santana shrieked as his skin started to crack.

"We did it!" said Stroheim in relief as he turned around, the Englishman and the German soldier lying side by side on the top step.

But the fight wasn't over yet as Santana glared at the two, jumping into the air and twisting his body unnaturally. "What's he doing?!" asked Joseph. The contorted body of Santana sped by him, causing him to look behind him.

~LBR~

"What, is he going into the corner?" asked Lana.

"Well, he has been pretty bad," said Lincoln.

~BT~

Stroheim screamed, the camera pulling back to show Santana squeezing into the stump that was once his leg. "Help me! That monster is trying to crawl inside my leg! AHHHHHH!"

"Get out of there, you!" yelled Joseph as he swung the axe. The Pillar Man slipped into Stroheim completely before the blade could land, Joseph hitting nothing but the stone floor of the village. "Whoa, this is a shock!" he said as he stood up. "Von Stroheim's basically okay, and he's free of any Hamon!"

~LBR~

"Well, that one soldier he possessed was most… ly…" said Luan as she trailed off, the realization hitting her hard. "Oh man."

~BT~

Joseph saw Stroheim get up and start hopping away from the door with his remaining leg, crossing his arms over his chest and gripping his shoulders. "Dammit! You get out of me, Santana!" shrieked Stroheim, back arching backwards.

"I… I can't believe this thing's willpower," said Joseph as he put a hand to his face. "I've never seen anything like it!" Stroheim kept squirming before he fell over, Joseph moving his hand away and sweating. "If he stays inside von Stroheim, he'll be totally fine even here in broad daylight!"

~LBR~

"Like hell is that gonna happen!" said Luna. "Come on, JoJo! Bring it home and drag that parasite out of Stroheim!"

~BT~

On the ground, Stroheim looked at what was left of his left leg. "I can feel him! This can't be real!" he screamed as the upper leg started twitching. He looked at Joseph. "Do you want to know what the worst part about this is?! My leg doesn't even hurt anymore!" He moved a hand to his face. "It feels pleasant, you believe that?!"

~LBR~

"This is getting really freaky really fast," said Lincoln, horrified.

~BT~

"My god," muttered Joseph as Stroheim got back to his… foot. "Von Stroheim!" He started running to Stroheim as the army man bent over, stopping as he watched him move around. With great effort, Stroheim pulled something out from his belt and lifted it into the air. It had a wooden handle with a metal screw cap on the bottom, a cylindrical metal canister on the top. On the canister were the words "VOR GEBRAUCH SPRENGKAPSEL EINSETZEN" in white writing, German for "Before use, insert detonator." This was a Stielhandgranate, also known as a stick grenade.

~LBR~

"What is that thing, a baton? What, is he gonna start hitting himself until Santana pops out?" wondered Lana.

"I don't think so," said Luan. "I think… I think that's a grenade!"

"Are you serious?" asked Lincoln. "But that would mean that… he wouldn't, would he?"

"He already had JoJo chop his leg off," said Lynn. "So I can see him blowing himself to kingdom come to let the sun burn Santana to cinders."

"JoJo was right," said Luna. "Stroheim really does have guts."

~BT~

"Wait! What are you doing?!" asked Joseph, waving his hands in front of him. "Put it down, Von Stroheim!"

"STAY BAAAAACK!" shrieked Stroheim, unnerving the Hamon user. "You've seen what horrible things Santana is capable of! There is no hope! My destiny has been determined!" He shakily moved his hands together. "So now, all I can do is destroy the both of us!" He unscrewed the cap at the bottom, letting it fall to the ground and revealing a pull cord.

~LBR~

"He's actually doing it," said Luan. "This is no joke or bluff, is it?"

~BT~

"But I have one more thing to say to you before my time is done!" said Stroheim. "If you know what's good for you, you'll listen close, Englishman!" Joseph gasped.

~LBR~

"'Tell the rest of my unit to bury my comic book collection in my stead! Let nobody know my dark secret… that I prefer American comics!'" joked Lincoln, shaking a fist to the sky. His siblings couldn't help but laugh, even in the dire circumstances in the show.

~BT~

"Our Wehrmacht, we-we did not awaken Santana simply for scientific research or military gain!" Stroheim gripped the grenade's handle in his mouth, trying not to drop it as his hands shook.

"Then why?" asked Joseph as Stroheim grabbed the explosive with his other hand. "Why did you risk it?! Tell me!"

"Silence!" shouted Stroheim, shutting up Joseph. "It's your destiny to hear these words from my lips, Joestar!"

~LBR~

"Whatever he has to say, it can't be good," said Lana.

~BT~

"Santana is just the tip of the iceberg! The Wehrmacht has discovered another pillar in Europe!" Stroheim shrieked as he felt Santana move inside him. "We now know that Santana is not the only one of his kind around!"

~LBR~

"WHAT?!" shouted the Louds in unison.

"There's more than one of these monsters?! How much stronger could they be, I wonder?!" asked Lynn.

"Remember the opening? Those silhouettes that stood on top of the pillar? They must be from the other pillar!" said Luna.

"With all the trouble he's having dealing with one, JoJo better train his Hamon. And fast!" said Luan.

~BT~

Stroheim's jacket suddenly burst into shreds of fabric as the major spat blood, Santana wreaking havoc inside his body. "Wait! So there's more of them?!" asked Joseph. "Where are they? Tell me, Von Stroheim, where?!"

"I'm sorry, but I don't have that answer for you, Joestar," said Stroheim. He had a hand on his face as his arm rippled. He had become an overlay on a pillar displaying a man covered in ornate jewelry. "There are more Pillar Men out there, and they have powers that are beyond our wildest imagination! For millennia, those powers have remained dormant, but that won't last and they soon will awaken! You must find another weakness other than just sunlight, or else hope is lost!"

~LBR~

"Sounds like we're going to get crazy new powers from both sides," said Lynn with a grin in anticipation, rubbing her hands together like a supervillain.

"Or in JoJo's case, crazy new ways to use Hamon," said Lincoln.

~BT~

The scene cut to Joseph as Stroheim continued his explanation. "That's why we were experimenting on Santana! We were looking for that weakness! There's a battle against the Pillar Men yet to be fought! The events of fifty years ago call upon you for that battle!" Joseph gasped as he heard that last statement.

~LBR~

"Fifty years ago? But that's… the deaths of Jonathan and Dio," said Luna.

"How does Stroheim know about that at all? Did Speedwagon tell him something about it?" wondered Lana.

"That's gotta be it," said Lynn.

~BT~

"Listen to me!" shouted Stroheim. "You will need more than just your Hamon to overcome them!" Standing up fully, he pointed to Joseph with the hand holding the grenade. "You must go to Rome! There, you will find someone who can help you! It is someone that your Speedwagon knows very well!"

~LBR~

"Speedwagon's apparently told them a lot," said Luan. "Is there somebody from the first part who could help JoJo? Somebody in Rome?"

"Poco's the only familiar face who comes to mind, but he's probably too old," said Lincoln. "It might be that blonde guy from the opening, but how does Speedwagon know who he is?"

"We'll just have to wait and see," said Luna.

~BT~

Suddenly, Stroheim's body was jerked back to the well, his foot pressing against the stone as he stopped himself with his free hand. "Santana is… trying to move my body into that well, so he can hide again!" shrieked Stroheim as he hopped back. "But he can't stop me from opening up my body completely to let the sunshine in!" And with that, he bit down on the pull cord and pulled it out with his teeth, spitting it out and letting it bounce on the ground.

"Von Stroheim, don't you dare," said Joseph.

~LBR~

"He's already pulled the pin," said Lana. "I think you're a bit too late."

~BT~

But Stroheim just chuckled at the order. "Heh heh heh… human greatness lies in having the courage to face down one's fears! Do you know who said that? The Greek historian Plutarch!" Joseph just stared back at the man, who seemed to be at peace as he closed his eyes. "Farewell… you annoying Englishman!" he shouted as he tucked his body over the grenade, ensuring that only he would feel the blast.

"Don't do it!" shouted Joseph as the scene went into slow motion, the Englishman running towards the major. "I still have questions for you! VON STROHEIM!"

The scene cut away just as the grenade detonated, a cloud of fire and smoke rising over the walls. Joseph was blasted backwards by the impact, backflipping and landing on his hands and feet as he skidded across the ground. "Damn that crazy German and all his honor!" he yelled with tears in his eyes. "I'm sure that we could've found another way!"

~LBR~

"I can barely believe it," said Lynn. "I thought that I would hate this guy until the bitter end after how he acted in his first appearance. But now that he's dead… I actually kinda miss him."

"The dude seriously redeemed himself in the last half of the episode," said Luna. "The Joestars have a good habit of bringing the best out of people, even those you'd never expect."

"Yeah! Even Speedwagon started out trying to rob Jonathan and slice him up, but now he's the Joestar's best ally and one of my favorite characters!" said Lana. She put her right hand over her forehead, Hops popping out and doing the same with his front leg. "You had some good in you after all, Major Rudol von Stroheim! I'll be missing ya!"

~BT~

Joseph grit his teeth as he held back his tears. But he gasped as he looked up. Standing on his toes, completely intact, was Santana. He was glaring at Joseph with intense rage as his skin cracked in the sunlight. Joseph growled back at him. "SANTANA!" he roared.

~LBR~

"No way! He-He-He's still alive!" yelled Lincoln with his hands on the sides of his head. "Was Stroheim's sacrifice… all for nothing?!"

"No way! The big guy is still breaking apart!" pointed out Luan as she put her hand on his shoulder and smiled. "One last hit from Joseph, and he's down for the count!"

~BT~

Santana leapt over Joseph. "You annoy me, primitive!" he shouted. "I will destroy you!"

Joseph started to rapidly breathe, his breaths quick but controlled even as he looked terrified. 'Steady your breathing. Use your Hamon technique,' he thought. The familiar ringing sound of Hamon filled the air before golden bolts of energy appeared.

~LBR~

"And they say that Speedwagon is still telling him that he has to breathe at the bottom of the stairs," said Luna in her best impression of telling a ghost story, cracking up the others.

~BT~

The two cried out as their fists collided, ancient abilities and rippling energy colliding. Neither was willing to back down. But even as the sunlight continued to break Santana apart, the force of his punch was enough for him to be sent flying back towards the well.

Santana jumped after Joseph, grabbing onto him as they began to plummet. "Primitive, why oppose me? You were doomed here from the start!"

Joseph just scoffed and pointed at his enemy. "Ha! I know just what you're going to say next! You'll say, 'I've seen right through you all this time, Joestar!'"

"I've seen right through you all this time, Joestar!" yelled Santana with a smirk as they finally reached the inside of the well. A red filter covered his eyes as he realized what just happened.

~LBR~

"And with that, the fight's over!" said Luan.

~BT~

Joseph simply tilted his head, the sunlight reflecting off the water at the bottom of the well. Right into the face of Santana as he shrieked in pain, his skin cracking. "It's high noon over this well! The sun reflecting off of the water should cook you nicely, although I doubt you even thought of that! You were thinking of jumping under the nice cool water and getting out of the sun, right?!"

~LBR~

"That's actually genius! Maybe JoJo planned on getting sent into the well so that Santana would get barbecued!" said Lynn.

~BT~

Joseph took another breath to recharge his Hamon, digging his feet into the stone walls of the well. "Well, screw that idea! I'm not letting you touch the water!" He screamed as his heels dug into the bricks, Santana screaming as his body hardened into brittle stone. His screams became distorted as his cells hardened, his arms breaking off. Joseph came to a stop right over the water, his back getting soaked as Santana was left as nothing more than a statue.

~LBR~

"'What's that, Lassie? Little JoJo is stuck in the well?'" joked Lana.

~BT~

Joseph let out a deep sigh of relief as he put the back of his head in the pool, staring up at the petrified remains of Santana. 'I'm alive,' he thought as the opening to Roundabout played, 'thanks to the sun. He's a statue now, but we finally got that smile.' And with that, the "To Be Continued" arrow appeared.

~LBR~

"That was awesome!" said Lynn as she pumped a fist in the air. Her eyes widened as she heard Vanzilla pulling in. "Oh, gotta run and get changed! The Kangaroos are counting on me!" She jumped off the couch and bolted up the stairs as fast as her cleats would let her.

"More Pillar Men, huh?" said Lincoln. "I can hardly believe it."

"Well, don't stop believing," said Luna. "I'm just wondering about this person that Speedwagon knows about. Who do you guys think it is?"

"Don't look at me, I haven't watched nearly as much as you!" said Luan.

"Whoever it is, they're bound to be a big help to JoJo," said Lincoln. "Now then, onto the next episode!" But as he said that, the main menu popped up. "Uh, as soon as I put the next disc in!"


The halfway point for the first season has been reached! This chapter was a bit shorter than the previous ones, but hopefully it's just as good. So yeah, Lynn has been benched for a bit so she can go to her game. The question is, will it just be the remaining regulars and Luan, or will somebody else make it a party of five? You'll have to wait until the next episode to find out! Now onto the guest reviews!

Bruuh: Your patience is greatly appreciated. I want to make sure each chapter is quality, after all!

Mudad: You'll have to wait and see for that, my friend...

Some random dude: No, each chapter is simply ready when it's ready. I don't have goals or deadlines.

Guest: Part 3 will be done, rest assured!

And finally, I have something a bit more serious. To the guest who has been flooding me with shitposts in the reviews. STOP IT. The reviews are meant for comments on the story, questions for me, things that people like or don't like. Bombarding me with memes that I constantly have to moderate isn't helpful, and it definitely isn't funny. So please cut it out. This is your first and only warning.

With that out of the way, I hope you're all looking forward to the next chapter, when things start to get really crazy! Starpion out!