"HANOI AT 9 O'CLOCK!" shouted Ai.
Fujiki Yusaku looked to his left, but all he saw was an empty street.
"Sorry, I meant 3 o'clock," said the purple artificial intelligence sheepishly.
Yusaku looked to his right and saw Kogami Ryoken, Taki Kyoko, and 3 other people whose real names were never established. Playmaker knew them as Revolver, Baira (in that order), Spectre, Faust and Doctor Genome, and they also knew Yusaku's identity.
"Let me guess," said Yusaku. "You're here to challenge me to a duel with Ai on the line."
"If we wanted that, we would have challenged you in Link VRAINS," said Ryoken. "On the contrary, we came to see you in the real world to call a truce."
"Seriously?" said Zaizen Aoi skeptically. She had been hanging out with Yusaku and the rest of the people-who-know-Playmaker's-identity club in front of Kusanagi's hot dog truck.
"To be honest," said Ryoken, "as soon as we learned that the dark Ignis survived, again, our first reaction was to try to eliminate him, only this time we planned to avoid collateral damage. But then we heard Jean-Michel Roget's confession. Not only did he corrupt my father's experiment…"
"That experiment was already corrupt as hell," interrupted Yusaku, who had suffered severe trauma from the aforementioned experiment 10 years ago.
"I was referring to the resulting data that Roget corrupted," said Ryoken. "Not only did he do so up front, but he probably continued to pull a lot of strings in real time. In summary, this war we Knights of Hanoi were fighting against the Ignis was a pointless distraction from our true enemy. Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to exact my revenge against Roget, there's nothing I can do to him that Akaba Reiji's Lancers haven't already done."
"You think you're angry?" said Yusaku. "What Roget did to you was a mild inconvenience compared to what he did to me."
"Your coffee's ready, Miss Zaizen," said Kusanagi.
"Thank you," said Aoi. She stood up from her chair, took her cup of coffee, then returned to the table. At the moment she was about to sit down, guess what randomly materialized on her chair?
"Ding, dong!"
The next thing they knew, everyone who knew Playmaker's identity (including Yusaku himself) was in the middle of a school courtyard.
"Al right, who forced us to log into Link VRAINS against our will?" said Homura Takeru, AKA Soulburner.
"I don't think this is VRAINS," said Aoi. "We still look the same as we do in the real world, which a few of us do already."
"Why are you looking at me when you say that?" said Zaizen Akira.
"For exactly the reason you think, big brother," said Aoi, who currently looked nothing like Blue Maiden.
"I think our heads are disproportionately large compared to the rest of our bodies," said Yusaku. "Other than that, nothing's changed."
"EXCUSE ME! WOULD YOU LIKE THIS BABY?" shouted Espa Roba, who was holding a baby with green hair identical to his own.
Yusaku and the others quickly ran in the opposite direction, where they found shelter inside the school building.
"YOU DON'T DESERVE A SPOT IN THAT SCHOOL!" shouted Espa Roba. "BUT YOU MIGHT MAKE A GOOD COASTER FOR MY DRINK!"
Inside the school building, Yusaku and company heard more screaming, but not from Espa Roba. "YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, AQUA!" screamed an angry female voice.
"Aqua?" repeated Ai, who immediately left Yusaku's duel disk and quickly phased through the walls. The humans followed him on foot, but were unable to take the same shortcuts for obvious reasons.
Meanwhile, in a hallway a few walls away…
Shaltear finally caught up to Aqua, grabbed her, and pinned her against the wall.
"Despite what you may think about vampires, we still need to breathe!" said Shaltear angrily, "which is really difficult to do when sneezing 21 times in a row!"
"How is that my fault?" pleaded Aqua.
"Albedo confirmed that she heard you gossiping about me with 21 consecutive repetitions of the same two phrases!" answered Shaltear.
"Um, That's just a silly superstition," said Aqua. "Do you honestly think that gossiping about someone can actually make them sneeze? Heh heh."
"TWENTY-ONE TIMES! IN A ROW!" screamed Shaltear. "Any superstition is more believable than such a bizarre coincidence!"
"It's nothing personal! I was just trying to send a message to Kazuma in Morse Code," confessed Aqua.
"Then why didn't you gossip about him instead of me?" demanded Shaltear.
"I tried to," said Aqua. "But I only got 3 dots and a dash in before I started sneezing myself."
"Come to think of it, Kazuma did sneeze 4 times before I sneezed 21 times," said Shaltear, still pinning Aqua against the wall. "But why didn't you just start over on him?"
"Because then I would have interrupted myself by sneezing all over again!" said Aqua. "The only words I could think of for Kazuma were 'kuzu' and 'saitei,' and I'm allergic to self-referencing codes, even across multiple languages!" ("Kuzu" and "saitei" are both adequate Japanese words for "scumbag")
"KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY SISTER!" said an angry man who grabbed Shaltear from behind and shoved her aside. "Aqua, I'm so glad you're alive! Love the new look, by the way. Just how many chibi SOLtis bodies are in this world, anyway?"
"Do I know you?" asked Aqua.
"It's me, Ai!" said the SOLtis. "Even with this new body, you should have recognized me with your truth detecting powers!"
"I'm the goddess of water, not of truth," said Aqua. "I'm not fond of lies, but I'm not that good at detecting them either."
"You're not my sister," said Ai. "You're just a pathetic namesake who lies about being a goddess and then claims not to approve of lies."
"I'm not lying!" said Aqua. "I really am a goddess!"
"A goddess who gets easily overpowered by a vampire?" said Ai skeptically. "Not to mention your allergy. What was it again? Oh, that's right. Bing Is Not Google."
"ACHOO!" sneezed Aqua.
Yusaku and his fellow humans finally caught up to Ai. "Where did you find that SOLtis body, Ai?" asked Yusaku.
"It was randomly standing against the wall behind the vampire lady," said Ai. "What are the odds of that?"
"I have a name!" said the aforementioned vampire lady. "It's Shaltear."
"You're new to this world, aren't you?" said Aqua. "Eventually you'll get used to the plot armor that keeps popping up. You may even become fluent in fourth-wall-breaking."
Author's Note: This is an author's note.
"ACHOO!" sneezed Aqua. "I take it back. The fourth wall sucks when it's broken."
"Let me try!" said Shaltear. "I hear that 'oxymoron' is literally Greek for 'sharp and dull,' or 'keenly stupid.'"
"ACHOO!" sneezed Aqua again. "That's it! I'm giving divine punishment to the next person who says one more self-referencing acronym, author's note, translation or Morse Code message."
"The factorial of N equals N times the factorial of one less than N," said Spectre, who had no personal grudges against either of the Aquas, but he just plain enjoyed watching others suffer.
"ACHOO!" sneezed Aqua. "I warned you!"
"You never said anything about recursive mathematical definitions," laughed Spectre.
"DAMN YOU AND YOUR LOOPHOLES!" screamed Aqua.
"Hahahahahahahaha! Class is about to begin!" said Vanir, the mask-demon and homeroom teacher of Class 1. "While I certainly enjoy listening to your meta-humor, I'd appreciate it if Aqua and Shaltear reported to Class 2, while the rest of you follow me to Class 1."
"Promise not to kill me on the way back!" said Aqua.
"Don't worry, I've thought of a more fitting revenge," said Shaltear. "I know your weakness, and you'll need to sneeze 17 more times before we're even, either by gossip or by allergies, although I need to be present to confirm it. By the way, what part of speech is the word 'noun?'"
"ACHOO!" sneezed Aqua.
"5 down, 16 to go," said Shaltear.
IseQuaru! (Transition to Classroom)
"Hahahahahahahaha! Please welcome Class 1's new transfer students!" said Vanir.
"I hope you know how to play Duel Monsters," said Reinhard van Astrea, the Sword Saint. "Otherwise, you've missed several classes that taught us exactly that."
"We've been playing that game our whole lives," said Yusaku.
"Literally, in my case," added Ai. "I've known how to play since the day I was born."
"Will the new students please introduce themselves one by one?" said Vanir. "And don't hold back on the details. You can't hide anything from me, since I'm telepathic, so you might as well tell the whole class."
"My name is Fujiki Yusaku, alias Playmaker. There are three reasons I don't belong here. One: I already have a school life. Two: I never signed up for a transfer. Three: I really hate being kidnapped."
"My name is Ai, alias the dark Ignis. I'm the sole survivor of 6 sentient artificial intelligences."
"My name is Kusanagi Shoichi, alias Unknown, at least it would be if I were still keeping it a secret. I'm just glad my younger brother and I are still together, even if we're both kidnapped."
"My name is Kusanagi Jin, alias Kusanagi Jin. Ten years of my life are a blur, 6 months of which are completely blank, but apparently I was kidnapped and traumatized along with 5 other people, 3 of whom are in this room. Lucky for me, I don't remember any of it, not because the memories are repressed, but because Lightning the light Ignis completely erased those memories from my brain, so the most I'll ever know about it are second-hand accounts."
"Lucky bastard," said Takeru.
"Hahahahahahahaha! I would appreciate it if you watched your language!" said Vanir.
"Whatever. My name is Homura Takeru, alias Soulburner. I wish I could forget being kidnapped during the Lost Incident, but even memory loss wouldn't bring my parents back to life. Not to mention Flame, my late fire Ignis partner. Each Ignis was created from the mind of a different kidnapped child, but now that Flame's dead, I feel like I've been kidnapped and traumatized for nothing. At least Yusaku has something to show for it, since Ai is still alive."
"Speak for yourself. I'm Spectre, alias Spectre, another so-called 'victim' of the Lost Incident. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a textbook case of both Stockholm Syndrome and Schadenfreude. Google them."
"I"m Faust, alias… that joke's getting old. Unlike Spectre, I took no pleasure in the criminal activity I was previously involved in."
"Pleased to meet you, That Joke's Getting Old. I'm Doctor Genome, alias Dad. I enjoy any opportunity to study DNA, even if I end up using unethical tactics."
"My name is Taki Kyoko, alias Baira, and I'm a real doctor. I don't know where Doctor Genome got his degree, nor his sense of humor. The only reason dad jokes never get old is because they were never funny to begin with."
"My name is Kogami Ryoken, alias Revolver. I'm the leader of the Knights of Hanoi, a former criminal group that currently seeks to right our past wrongs. Although I don't see how this 'school life' is supposed to help."
"My name is Zaizen Akira, no alias. I'm 26 years old, and before I came here, I was the CEO of SOL Technologies. I doubt I'll still have that position when I return, unless I can go back right now."
"My name is Zaizen Aoi, alias Blue Angel, alias Blue Girl, alias Blue Maiden. I was never one of the Lost Incident victims, but my childhood friend Miyu was. Her kidnapping led to the creation of Aqua, the late water Ignis, not to be confused with that self-proclaimed goddess from Class 2. That underachieving megalomaniac is an insult to the water Ignis's memory."
Meanwhile, in Class 2…
"Achoo!" sneezed Aqua.
"6 down, 15 to go," said Shaltear. "I didn't hear anything self-referencing, so someone must have been talking about you. Probably one of the new transfer students in Class 1."
"You mean the Shield Hero guy, or someone even newer?" asked Kazuma.
"They just transferred today," said Shaltear. "One of them was a robot calling himself Ai. I didn't catch any of the other names."
"His name was Ai?" repeated Yuzu. "I feel like I've heard that name before. Wait, you said he was a robot? Could it be…?"
To be continued…
