New Year's Day

Source Episode: VOY 7x12 Lineage

CW: Description of, and discussion about, sexual abuse in a dating relationship. Edited for language and explicit discussions of sexual encounters.


After the orb experience with Captain Sisko, I did exactly what he told me to do—I responded to Ezri Dax's letter, asking for information on the orbs and other related religious artifacts.

While I waited for Dax's response, I devoured everything available in Voyager's database. Sisko gave no indication of what, specifically, I should be looking for, so I read it all. I even went so far as to ask Iliana, Celes, Gerron, and Tabor for anything they might know that the database didn't cover.

Nothing stood out.

Thankfully, Chakotay offered to help me organize and study the information gathered—and to keep me sane through my research. He seemed to enjoy the work more than I did. It was nice having a second set of eyes, especially through longer stints when my own eyes grew so weary they seemed to go cross.

Meanwhile, repairs chugged along. Word spread among our allies of Equinox's disappearance at the blue nebula battle, and everyone kept a sharp eye out for our companion ship. For the moment, she seemed to be keeping a low profile.

As for the crew, life aboard Voyager carried on.

Schmullis removed more than half of Lyndsay's implants, and she looked almost like her old self again—though she changed her hair to auburn rather than her natural brown. Annika moved back into her old quarters and resumed her relationship with Megan. First, Third, and Fourth moved to Korok's ship, while Mezoti and Second—who opted to reclaim his birth name Icheb—took bunk assignments on Voyager. Ensign Grigori Levin and Crewman Antoine Toussaint adopted the baby I'd rescued and named him Asher. It meant, "happy."

Like the name Harry and I had given our daughter in Alixia's visions.

Within a week of escaping the blue nebula, one baby was born and another pregnancy was announced among the lower decks. Asher would have at least a couple of friends to grow up with, and they'd have big-sister Naomi Wildman to watch over them all.

Captain Janeway's worry back at the beginning of our journey was coming to fruition. Voyager was becoming a generational ship—not just a Starfleet/Maquis experiment for the sake of survival, but a village. Soon we would need to devote time and space and thought to all the things growing families would need.

"What kind of life would we be giving them aboard a starship traveling through unknown and hostile parts of space?" she'd asked.

Now that we were in a dangerous war with the Borg, I couldn't help but think she'd been more right than I gave her credit for.


It had been two months since B'Elanna came to me asking for counseling. I'd never mentioned it since then, and neither had she, though I'd hoped she talked to someone about whatever she was struggling with.

Then she found me in the mess hall during lunch and asked if we could talk later.

Harry was on beta shift that night, so the meeting was easy to arrange. It was probably why she'd chosen that day to ask.

When she sat down in a chair across from my couch, she squirmed and fidgeted with her hands as if she wasn't even comfortable in her own skin. "I tried those self-help things you gave me."

"Did they help?"

"A little. I'm still doing them, I just…" She drew in a sharp breath and met my eyes. "I need to talk some things out with a real person... a friend."

I gave a slight smile. "I'm listening."

It was a few seconds before she spoke again. "In the last data stream from Starfleet, I got a letter from the Klingon Defense Force." A sheen of tears wet her eyes, but none welled up or fell. "Apparently my mom died four months ago in a Klingon attack on the Dominion."

"Qapla'," I murmured.

"Qapla'," she muttered in reply.

"I'm so sorry, B'Elanna."

"Me, too. The last time I saw her was when I left Qo'nos for Earth to attend the academy. We got into this huge argument and I stormed out of the house. You know what the last thing I said to her was?"

I shook my head.

"I told her I was leaving because I hated Qo'nos, and I hated being Klingon, and I didn't want to be like her. I told her that I wasn't coming back... and I never did."

"I can imagine that might make you feel guilty."

She looked down at her hands, folded loosely in her lap. "Yeah, it does. But the thing is, it wasn't actually about being Klingon. It was about my dad, stuff he said and did, stuff I said and did, and—" She sighed. "It fucked me up."

"What do you mean?"

"So you know Max and I dated at the academy, right?"

That was a strange jump in subjects, but I nodded and let her speak.

"The first time we met, I didn't think he'd even noticed me. At least, not any more than the way everyone always noticed me." She gestured to the ridges on her forehead. "But then he came over and talked to me. Bought me drinks. He listened to my stories, asked good questions, and looked at me like I was the most important person in the room. A Terran! And a cute one at that. He never once stared at my ridges. He always looked me in the eyes. He made me forget about what I was for a little while."

"He saw you as a person rather than a species."

"Exactly. He even offered to walk me back to my dorm. He asked if my roommate was there, and I said no. She wasn't around much. We didn't exactly get along. So he asked if he could come in. I told him I didn't want to rush into anything, but he said he just wanted to have some coffee and keep talking because he liked me so much, so I let him in." She bit her lip, looking hesitant to continue.

"Did he respect the boundaries you set up?" I asked.

"Not... exactly. I mean, we did talk and drink coffee. After that, he helped me clean up, put the cups in the recycler, and then... he kissed me. Honestly, it was something I'd wanted him to do all night, so I kissed him back. And, well, things got kinda heated. One thing led to another, and we..."

"Had sex?"

"Yeah."

A sick feeling curled in my stomach the way it did when my intuition was trying to tell me something was wrong. "Was it consensual?"

B'Elanna frowned. "Well, yeah. It's not like he raped me or anything. I mean, okay, maybe I wasn't super into it, but he didn't do anything until I said yes."

"Why did you say yes if you weren't into it?"

"Honestly? To get him to shut the hell up. He was all, 'I need you,' and 'I just think you're so amazing.' Plus it felt kinda nice being wanted. So finally I was just like, whatever, and I let him."

I frowned. "So he pressured you to have sex with him when you weren't ready?"

B'Elanna looked down at her hands. "Yeah, I guess that's true. But he was young. That's what guys that age do. He's not a bad person."

My blood boiled.

Tom had been right about Burke, and I'd brushed it off as simple jealousy. Burke was a charming predator—charming enough to convince B'Elanna he was a good person despite manipulating her into bed against her wishes. Would she even hear me if I told her what he did was wrong?

Taking a deep breath, I pressed onward. "What happened after you and Max had sex?"

"I couldn't sleep that night. Couldn't eat the next day. Couldn't even stand the smell of coffee. I'd be walking to class, see someone who looked like him, and put my head down so he wouldn't see me. Or I'd smell someone with the same cologne and suddenly be on edge. I even yelled at someone for blowing coffee steam in my face."

It sounded like she'd been traumatized.

"That's not what a person is supposed to feel like after having sex with someone," I said.

"Probably not. Except when I was with him, it wasn't like that. When I was with him, I felt wanted. And it felt good. Most nights, he'd follow me back to my place or take me to his, expecting sex no matter how I felt, but I'd let him have it anyway because I liked how much he wanted me. And sometimes I'd get off, which was nice."

"So what happened?"

"I started having panic attacks. Not because of him, but for no reason at all. I guess the stress of classes and asshole professors and stuff was getting to me. It was all just too much. So I quit. Dropped out.

"Max showed up while I was packing and we just started yelling at each other. He wanted me to stay, said I was wimping out and needed to get over myself. And he was right, but I told him to fuck off and left anyway. I never saw him again until the day we found Equinox in that nebula."

He told her she was wimping out and needed to get over herself. He'd actually said that. And all these years later, she still believed he was right.

I ran a hand over my face. "Have you been involved with him since then?"

"No. He's tried to put on the moves once or twice, but I told him no and that's the end of it. But he's been so nice about everything. I tried to apologize for the way I left things, and he wouldn't even hear it."

"He hasn't tried pressuring you into sex again?"

She groaned. "You keep focusing on that, but I told you he's a good person. Guys do stupid, selfish shit to get laid when they're young. It's just what they do. But he's not like that anymore, okay?"

No. It absolutely was not okay—not then and not ever. I wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her until she understood that, but something told me it would end the conversation right there if I did.

I cleared my throat and selected the only response in my head that wouldn't shut her down on the spot—the theme my counselor's mind wanted to focus on. "You said you liked being with him because he made you feel wanted."

"Well, yeah. Everyone wants that."

"Yes, but that's not the only reason to be in a relationship."

"No, but it's a pretty important one. Shouldn't the person I'm with want me more than anything else?"

"Was Max what you wanted the most during your time at the academy?"

She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it and frowned. "No, he wasn't."

If that was what she'd expected from Tom, then no wonder she'd left him after what happened between him and me. I bit my tongue to keep from bringing it up, but I didn't know what else to say.

For a long moment, the silence stretched on as B'Elanna seemed to process through something in her mind.

Finally she shook her head and focused her gaze on me. "That's not the point. The point is Max made me feel good, and I abandoned him when things got too hard. And it's the same thing with Tom. As soon as the relationship got complicated, I ran. Because I can't commit. Because of what happened with me and my dad."

"What happened with you and your dad?"

B'Elanna's eyes filled with tears. "We were inseparable. He spoiled me and I worshipped him. But the older I got, we just grew apart. He ended up organising this camping trip with my cousins. I guess he just wanted to, I don't know, make things better again."

"What happened?"

"One of my cousins put worms in my food, and when I got upset he said something about how that's what Klingons were supposed to eat. I got mad and went off on my own. When I came back, my dad said I overreacted, that it was just what kids did and I was too sensitive. After they sent us all to bed, I overheard dad talking to Uncle Carl. He said..." Her voice trailed off, silence lingering in its wake.

"What did he say?"

"He said mom and I were too much, that he couldn't handle living with two Klingons. So I got it in my head that I should just leave. I tried to run away after Uncle Carl went to bed. It was so stupid. I mean, where was I going to go? But dad caught me. When he tried to stop me, I told him what I heard, and you know what he said to me?"

"What?"

"He said I shouldn't have been listening to a private conversation. As if talking shit about mom and me two meters away from my goddamn tent is private! So I threw it right back at him. He shouldn't have said those things. Then he said I was twisting his words. It made me so angry."

"You had a right to be angry. What he said was hurtful, and he wasn't willing to own up to his mistake."

B'Elanna shook her head. "It's not what he said, though. It's what I said." She sobbed, her whole body shaking with the force of her agony. "I said, 'If you can't stand living with us, then why don't you just leave?' And that's exactly what he did twelve days later. And he never came back."

All the air seemed to leave the room at once. Was this the burden she'd been carrying around all these years—the reason why she seemed almost afraid of identifying with anything Klingon? Because her father had expected B'Elanna and her mother to conform to his Terran standards, and abandoned them when they didn't?

She blamed herself for everything, but the truth was he hadn't deserved her.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hug her, but she'd never been one for hugs. The most physical affection she'd ever shown or accepted from me was a brief hand squeeze, and even those were rare.

"It's not your fault," I said.

"Of course it's my fault! I could have worked harder, been a better daughter, but I pushed him away instead."

"B'Elanna, what happened was between your parents. It was not because of you."

"He left because I told him to! I did. Not mom. Not anyone else. I said it, and he did. And now I'm just like him. Any time things get too hard, I leave. I left Max, the academy, my mom, Tom… everyone. And then I wonder why nobody wants me."

"That's not true."

"How can you say that! It's so obvious. This is why I asked for help. I have to fix this—fix me. I don't want to be like my father, but I don't know what else to do."

Fuck it.

Sliding from my seat, I perched on the coffee table in front of B'Elanna and grabbed her hands. "Listen to me. You are not your father. You're not. You left the academy because it wasn't the right fit for you. You left Max because you needed to take care of yourself. You left Qo'nos because it wasn't where you needed to be. None of those things are abandonment. You wanna know what I see in you?"

"What?"

"You haven't abandoned your post once. Not on Valjean and not here on Voyager. We've been through hell, but you always put one hundred and ten percent into what you do. More than that, you've done a lot to integrate our old crew into Voyager's. And you always defended them when any of the more uppity fleeters tried to push them around.

"The past few months, you stayed my friend even though you had every right to never want to talk to me again. And you refused to let our group dissolve over what happened between me and Tom. You did that in a situation that would make most people want to give up."

She pulled a hand away to wipe her tears.

"That doesn't sound like someone who runs away when things get hard. It sounds like someone who isn't afraid to fight for what they need and for the people they love, even when it hurts."

"You think so?" she whispered.

I smiled. "I know so."


On New Year's Eve, standard time, a number of the crew gathered in and around the mess hall for Neelix's new year party. Most of the mess hall's tables had been moved out, and the ones left behind were spread out around the edges of the room. The doors on both sides of the hall were left open, and tables full of food lined the corridors where many of the crew stood in clumps to talk.

In the center of the mess hall was a synthetic wood floor for dancing. Musicians set up their chairs and stands in front of the massive viewport on the hall's aft side, giving them a lovely backdrop of shining diamond stars. Harry sat among them warming up with his clarinet. He'd jumped at the chance to play with other like-minded musicians, and even shared a couple of his original compositions for the ensemble to perform at the party.

The grin on his face as he chatted with the rest of the ensemble was brighter, by far, than the stars sparkling behind him.

As the band played and the night wore on, I stood off to the side watching more than actually socializing. It was life-giving to see the crew mix and mingle, lovers and families and friends moreso than comrades.

When the ensemble got to an upbeat swing song, Lyndsay dragged Celes onto the dance floor. Celes's face went pink with embarrassment, but she laughed and gradually loosened up as Lyndsay guided her through the steps, Bajoran engagement bracelets gleaming in the overhead lights.

Near the bar that wrapped around Neelix's galley, Annika and Megan bowed their heads together so they could converse despite the loud music. I could only imagine what they were talking about. Musical genres? Dancing styles? Neelix's near-fatal homemade liquor? How much they hated parties? Whatever it was seemed to be very interesting.

And then there was Tom and B'Elanna.

For a while, they stood with me—watching everyone else, sniping playfully at each other. Flirting. Eventually, the subject got around to dancing. Challenges were made, fighting-words exchanged, and soon enough they were dragging each other to the dance floor.

About time.

Zero-hour came and went with kisses and hugs and cheers. In ones and twos and threes the crew filtered off to their beds while a few of us stayed behind to help clean up. When the food was recycled and the tables put back in their places, B'Elanna caught Tom's hand and tugged him out the door.

I smiled to myself.

It was very early in the morning when Harry and I returned to our quarters. "Happy new year, ja'lat," he murmured, dragging me close and kissing me deeply.

I couldn't have replied if I'd wanted to.

So I slid his shirt from his shoulders and laid my hand against his thudding heart, determined to show him just how much I loved him, too. Because I'd wasted so much time taking him for granted and longing for the wrong thing. What if one or both of us died in the war and this was the last new year we had left?

Maybe Alixia's visions had been a call to war, but perhaps they had also been a wake-up call to all of our weary souls. Maybe the Emissary had manipulated us, even condemned us to a life and death far away from home.

But perhaps he had also saved us all.