Imperfection
Personal Log, Eelo Talia, Stardate 53274.4
As of this morning, it's been three months since we left Sinoso to search for Equinox. Still no sign of them or of any warp trails with a Federation signature. Clearly, Burke doesn't want to be found.
The Turei are pissed. They hail us every few days asking for updates, and we have nothing to give them. Captain Janeway offered to help them mine their underspace network with communication buoys like we did the first time we searched for Equinox, but the minister she spoke with only said, "I'll pass it up the line," and cut the comm. We've been waiting for another hail, but nothing has come through yet.
I'm still not having any luck with this absurd search Sisko has me on. He won't confirm anything. He just asks what I've learned and what it means to me, then tells me to keep looking. When I press him about the orb fragment in my tagh, he just says, "It's not time."
Meanwhile, people are dying or being assimilated.
Even Chakotay's getting frustrated with this. Last night, he suggested we might get our answers more quickly if we did a few vision quests. It was a joke, but I'm honestly tempted to try.
Whatever else Sisko wants me to find—if he actually does want me to find something—doesn't matter. When Loran comes, I know what I have to do. After three months of training on the holodeck, I feel more ready than ever for the fight to come. I'll save Bajor, Earth, and everyone else with or without Sisko's help.
I won't fail anyone again.
"You're wearing your earring," B'Elanna said as Tom, Harry, and I sat down with her for lunch the next day.
My fingers touched the stud, sliding over the gold square with B'hava'el cut into it. The thin chains connecting it to the cuff brushed my knuckles, and the charms dangling from it tinkled quietly against each other. I hadn't planned to put it on this morning, but when the metal caught my eye, it felt like my own small way of giving Sisko the finger.
Eelos didn't blindly accept anyone's words, no matter who the message was coming from. That had never been our way. We were the ones who challenged everyone—even the Prophets. If Sisko knew anything about me or my family, he had to understand that. Possibly, he was testing me on purpose to see if I really was my mother's daughter.
That wasn't something I could easily explain over a meal, though, so I simply said, "It felt right."
Harry pressed a kiss to my cheek. "I think it's lovely."
I smiled.
"So…" Harry leaned back in his seat, eyeing Tom and B'Elanna with his brows raised and a slight smirk on his face. "We missed you two at breakfast."
Tom and B'Elanna exchanged a knowing look.
"I told you they'd bring it up," Tom said.
"I still don't care," B'Elanna replied.
Tom's eyes slid to Harry, and he gave a sly smile. "We were a bit... preoccupied."
"We might be preoccupied around dinner, too," B'Elanna added.
Tom's brows rose. "Is that so?"
"Yeah, is that okay?"
"Do you even have to ask?"
I nudged Harry's shoulder. "Remember how they used to give us so much shit for being on each other all the time?"
He nodded. "Oh, I remember."
I grinned. "We should start returning the favor."
He shot a teasing look the other couple, who were still making eyes at each other. "Seems fair to me."
"Go right ahead," Tom said, finally tearing his gaze from B'Elanna's. "You can work on your material over dinner while we're having sex on a Risan beach."
"Tom!" B'Elanna hissed, although she didn't actually look offended.
I snorted. "We'll make sure and come up with something good."
Tom scooped up a forkful of rice. "You do that."
After lunch, as we pushed our chairs away from the table, B'Elanna stopped me. "Talia, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Yeah, no problem." I squeezed Harry's elbow. "You two go ahead. I'll be up in a bit."
"Okay." He pressed a quick kiss to my lips and grabbed my tray. "See you soon."
"See you soon."
Once they were gone, B'Elanna glanced around the mess hall and leaned in. "I'm worried about Chakotay and the captain."
Frowning, I scooted my chair in and mimicked her posture. "How so?"
"This morning when I left Tom's quarters, I saw Chakotay walk out of an empty room a couple doors down. I think he slept there."
"What?" I hissed, the word coming out louder than I'd intended.
B'Elanna shot me a warning look and moved closer, keeping her voice low. "He's sleeping in different quarters."
Alixia's visions cut through my mind—the tension, the bitterness that still existed between him and Janeway years after their divorce. But Alixia never showed me when the scission happened or how the fractures had started to form.
"Maybe it's just a one-time thing," I ventured, matching her conspiratorial tone. "They had a fight and needed to be away from each other."
"No," B'Elanna said. "Something's been going on for a while now. Every time I see him, he's either grumpy or checked out. He barely talks—it's all 'do this' and one-word answers. I can't even remember the last time I saw him smile." Her eyes narrowed. "Haven't you been meeting with him about some research thing you're doing?"
I nodded. "Yeah, he's helping me study the orbs and Bajoran sacred texts."
She waited for me to say more, then lifted her hands. "And? Has he been like that with you?"
The truth was, I hadn't been paying attention. I was so single-mindedly focused on killing Loran that everything else seemed unimportant—even the well-being of one of my closest friends.
What a shitty person I'd become.
"I don't know," I admitted. "I guess my mind's been elsewhere."
"Well, you need to bring it back here. I don't know what to do."
"One of us could ask him," I suggested.
She scoffed. "It won't help. He'll just get pissed off."
That was probably true, though perhaps with some tact it could still work.
"I'm not sure what else we can do other than wait and see what happens," I said.
B'Elanna sat back and crossed her arms. "You know, I really hoped you'd have a better answer."
"I'm not a magician. I can't fix their marriage, and I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do."
"No," she snapped, "but the least you could do is pay attention."
That hurt. I clenched my fists as if preparing to defend myself. There were bigger things to worry about than relationship drama. Marital discord and a cranky XO were nothing in comparison to what would happen if the Borg won the war.
Still, I should've put more effort into being present—especially with Chakotay. Once again, I was failing to uphold our agreement. I wasn't looking out for him.
If the roles were reversed, he would've already talked to me.
"You're right," I muttered, relaxing my hands. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize to me." B'Elanna sighed and shook her head. "What happens if they split up?"
I touched the ring on my finger. "They're professionals. They'll uphold their duties no matter how they feel and keep their personal lives out of it."
"You say that like it's easy."
"It isn't. But that's why they're in command. They can make hard choices for the sake of the crew and the mission."
B'Elanna pressed her lips together, looking unconvinced. "I hope you're right."
So did I.
Watching the captain and Chakotay on the bridge that afternoon, B'Elanna's observations proved to be apt. The easy banter they once shared had been replaced with... nothing. They only spoke when absolutely necessary, which was exactly once in the space of three hours. When beta shift arrived to relieve us of duty, Janeway retired to her ready room and Chakotay strode off the bridge without a word.
What had happened? How long had I been missing the signs?
Over the following two days, I made mental notes of their behavior. The level of conversation between them remained the same, which is to say barely at all. They never touched. Even Janeway, who often communicated with physical gestures, kept her hands to herself. Eye contact was rare, and when it occurred it was short-lived. No emotion seemed to pass between them at all—no love, no anger. Just tolerance. Indifference. They were uncaring coworkers and nothing more.
I also kept an ear open for talk amongst the crew about the issue. No events had been held since the Terran New Year's Eve party, and neither member of our command team socialized much anymore, so the only ones with opportunity to observe Janeway and Chakotay together were senior staff, alpha shift bridge crew, and aides. Somehow, we were all in an unspoken agreement not to discuss the issue. Not even Tom or Harry said anything.
Maybe no one else had noticed, or if they did, they thought nothing of it. Perhaps some were concerned but had chosen to hold their tongues. It was a personal matter, after all—nothing to do with the mission. But B'Elanna brought it to me for a reason, and I wasn't about to fail anyone now.
So when I sat down in Chakotay's office for another evening working on Sisko's task, I broke the silence.
"Something's not right."
Chakotay frowned. "With the research?"
I shook my head. "You haven't been yourself lately—less talkative, less social. And when you're with the captain, you both seem so… frigid."
The expression on his face turned icy, fingers curling into fists. His defenses were going up against this invasion of privacy.
I covered his hand with mine. "Tay, I'm not saying this to drag the truth out of you. It isn't my business, and it would be inappropriate given our history and my role on the ship. I just want you to know that if you need support, you have friends here. You can talk to them. And if there is something I can do—take extra shifts, maybe, give you time to meditate or talk to your animal guide—all you have to do is ask. Whatever's going on, you don't have to carry it alone."
He deflated some, though his voice was still gruff. "You're right. It isn't your business." His hand uncurled just enough to catch my fingers, and his expression relaxed. "But thank you."
"Of course," I said, giving him a squeeze before I let go. "So, where were we?"
Three more weeks passed by with no sign of Equinox. Every so often we'd get updates on the war's progress—a few Borg ships were infiltrated and liberated, Loran's collective again tried and failed to invade Krenim space, more comm nodes were built to connect us to unimatrix zero factions across the galaxy, and Queen Nessav appealed to the Federation for support. Casualty lists were a constant, and no large victories were won. But for now, the Borg were being held at bay.
As for me, life had become a great big routine—counseling sessions in the morning, sensor data reviews in the afternoon, more sessions after alpha shift. I met with the science department heads three times a week, with Captain Janeway, Annika, and the senior staff twice a week, and with Chakotay every Sunday night. Once a week I ran alpha shift on the bridge, and twice a week Harry ran beta shift. On the evenings when Harry worked, I booked time on the holodeck to practice with my tagh and met with Tuvok to hone my mental discipline. Nothing really changed.
And Loran didn't come.
It was getting old—the quiet preparations. Certainly, I didn't want Loran to attack. I dreaded that day, and the dread was exhausting. All I wanted was to get it over with one way or another. If we won, we could go home as heroes. If we lost, at least it was done. Waiting felt like the worst part, and the option of tracking down Loran myself looked more appealing every day.
But what if I left and she found Voyager while I was gone?
"I need to know what she's doing," I told Sisko when I visited him one night. The illusory temple around us held a warm, yellow glow, as did the man before me. "Alixia told me you can't see this future, but can you see what Loran is up to right now?"
"We've never explored the hive mind," he said, his voice deep and calm. "It was risky enough connecting to Annika's consciousness while she was connected to the collective. To make a true study of them would be too dangerous."
I frowned. "How? They already know about you, and they can't assimilate something that isn't physical."
"Assimilate, no. But they can learn. For now, all you need to know is that Loran still has a role to play. Do not go looking for her."
First Alixia, now Sisko. Why didn't they want me to take out our greatest enemy?
"But my tagh has an orb fragment," I said. "Why would you show me that if it isn't important?"
"It is important."
"I know. I can kill Loran with it and stop the Borg."
"You're looking for a simple solution to a complex problem," he said. "It doesn't work like that."
"Then fucking tell me what the solution is! You dragged us all out here for this. I've done everything you wanted. Every day, I'm wasting time while dreading a comm saying that Loran has taken another colony or assimilated another species. Maybe you've forgotten what it is to live within the constraints of time, but I can't wait anymore. Tell me what to do."
His eyes narrowed to slits as he prowled towards me. "I remember what it feels like to live in linear time," he growled, "and I know exactly what's at stake here. My first wife died at Wolf 359. I couldn't even bury her because I had to leave her behind. So don't you dare lecture me about losing people to the Borg. But there's only so much I can do. You have to trust me. Continue your search for Equinox. Don't let anything distract you from it."
So it was personal, then. Whatever he wanted, it was tainted by the loss of his wife. But why would that make him want to hold back?
"I don't understand," I said. "I have the weapon that could finish the war and you want me to stay away? Why?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because you need to find the answers on your own."
I scoffed. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."
"Oh, I'm quite serious," he said.
Ridiculous. This was utterly ridiculous. Why had I put my faith in any of these people? They may not have been bound by bodies or linear time, but they were still limited and flawed like the rest of us.
I threw up my hands. "Alixia wants us to abandon the war effort. You want us to keep searching for Equinox. We've been pushed one way and another ever since you stranded us here in the Delta Quadrant, but you non-corporeals can't even get on the same fucking page about what to do with us!"
"Susperia has her own agenda for dealing with the Borg, and unfortunately she convinced Alixia that her plan is the right one. I disagree."
I crossed my arms. "Tell me why."
"It's not your place to know. Not yet, anyway."
"Then why should we follow your advice instead of Alixia's? Not that it matters, by the way. You both keep bothering me, but I'm not the one who makes decisions around here."
"Captain Janeway has yet to come and speak with me. And why should she when you are the messenger?" He gestured at me. "So be a messenger."
"I don't want to be a messenger," I snarled. "I'm a counselor. You hear that? A counselor. That's all I ever wanted to be. But if it's not Section 31 fucking up my life, it's you. I'm sick of it."
"Well, too bad." His volume was rising, anger tensing the muscles in his face as if he were flesh and bone. Finally, he seemed like a real human being. "Unlike Alixia, I'm not willing to sacrifice trillions of lives because of what they may or may not choose to do once they're free. That is why you should listen to my advice instead of hers. If you want to help people, I'm telling you how to do it."
So Alixia wanted the Borg wiped out. Was it for the same reason Jen had given when I questioned her?
"It's a nice idea to give them a second chance at individuality," she'd said, "but not all of them will want it. And even those who do—they're still people. Selfish. Warmongering. With all that knowledge and technology at their fingertips… It doesn't take a genius to see how that'll turn out."
It was a good point, but did Section 31 have any right to make that call for billions of people? Did Susperia?
Sisko's voice hardened into a captainly tone as he stepped even closer to me. "So when the time comes to make a choice between Equinox and a different concern, you will stay on Equinox's trail. You will not deviate from it. And you most certainly will not go looking for Loran yourself. Do you understand?"
Gritting my teeth, I leaned in so close to Sisko's face that I could feel his hot breath on my skin. The sensation was awful, but somehow it fueled my anger. "You don't get to tell me what to do. You're not my captain and you're not a prophet. You're just another person scared shitless of the Borg and trying to figure out what to do. I'm done believing in you."
Feeling for the bond that tethered me to Tuvok, I coiled it around my mind and yanked myself out of Sisko's reach. The physical world hit me like a force field, knocking me to the deck. When I opened my eyes, Tuvok was leaning over me.
His eyebrows lifted. "Impressive. Your control over our telepathic bond is improving."
"Thanks," I said, getting to my feet.
"I am, however, sensing a great deal of anger. Perhaps we should discuss your orb exper—"
"Not now," I snapped, shoving the orb's case closed and throwing the rug over it for good measure. "I'd rather be alone."
His response was swallowed up by the sound of the door closing behind me as I stormed away.
As fate would have it, I was running bridge watch when we picked up the scent.
"Commander, I've got something," Celes announced from ops. "It's a couple days old, but it's definitely them—Equinox's warp signature."
"All stop," I said, jumping to my feet and making my way to the conn. "Tom, confirm?"
"Yep, it's their ion trail alright. Bearing three-ten mark twelve."
And so it was, right there on his console. Equinox had decloaked here only two days ago. Could they really be within reach?
"Captain to the bridge," I called, and a moment later she emerged from the ready room demanding a report. "We've found their trail," I said. "It's two days old, but it's here."
For the first time in weeks, the corners of her mouth lifted into a very slight smile. "Take your station," she ordered, and I did as I was told. "Which way did they go?"
Activating the screen, Celes projected a map and highlighted the trail in yellow for all of us to see. "It's pretty erratic for a while, but then it just… stops."
The yellow lines swirled and swooped in ways that, to anyone else's eye, might have looked chaotic. But any Starfleet pilot, tactical officer, or commander could have recognized it.
"Evasive maneuvers," Tom said.
"They fought someone here," I added.
"Can you identify the other ship's warp trail?" Janeway asked.
I pulled up the main sensor array on my console, but Celes answered first. "No, ma'am. I'm not detecting a second warp trail."
My eyes caught on something else. "There's some debris from Equinox floating around. Not much, so they definitely weren't destroyed. But they might be damaged."
"Anything from the other ship?" Janeway asked.
"No."
"Are there any star systems or—"
An alert cut her off.
"Captain," Celes said, "we're getting an urgent message from Sinoso. The planet is under attack."
My stomach dropped. No. It couldn't be true. They were safe. Sinoso was supposed to be safe.
The news barely had time to sink in before Celes' console chirped. "Gik'tal is hailing."
"On screen," Janeway said.
"Captain Janeway," Korok greeted tersely, "I assume you have received the distress signal." He only waited for the barest hint of Janeway's confirmation before continuing. "We must return and lend aid at once. Is your vessel prepared for transwarp?"
Janeway looked to Tom, who glanced over his shoulder and nodded. "We're ready, General," she said.
"Captain," I protested, though it was more of a reflex than a conscious choice. The word was quiet, fading to nearly nothing on the second syllable.
"Good," Korok said. "We will be departing shortly. Gik'tal out."
After the comm cut, Janeway turned to me. "Did you have something to add, Commander?"
Sisko's voice played in my head. "Continue your search for Equinox. Don't let anything distract you from it."
But I couldn't make the words form on my lips. Sinoso was under attack. Sam, Naomi… Grischa, Tony, and Asher… the children we'd rescued from the sphere…
Our crew and our allies. We had to do whatever it took to keep them safe. Burke and his people could handle themselves for a little while longer. They still had their cloak.
Besides, what choice did we have? Korok expected us to abide by his decision. Everyone did. It was our duty to respond to a distress call from our forces—to protect our fellow soldiers. We owed it to them. Even Captain Janeway didn't question this. If I repeated Sisko's words, would she listen?
Be a messenger.
Her gaze was expectant. Impatient.
I shook my head.
"Gik'tal has gone to warp," Tom reported. "They're preparing for the jump to transwarp."
"Match course and speed, Mister Paris," Janeway said as she marched to her chair and sat. "Engage."
