A/N: Alright, so there's a chapter coming up that deals with more...explicit things. If any of you don't want to read it, and want signs placed in so you can skip it, just let me know so I can ensure it's in.
Thank you everyone so far for all of your reviews, follows and favourites! It means the world and I love hearing from you. Please keep reviewing! We almost hit 200! On that note, this is a large chapter (which I was convinced not to break up by ) and a lot happens. Tell me what you think.
Also, a quick note if you're interested: there are two one shots posted on my tumblr that take place in the AoS universe. They're from Four's point of view and Eric's. You can find the link in my profile.
Enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-One
It feels like I can barely breathe. The events of that night reply in my mind constantly. I've been lucky so far, burying myself in my work far enough that I've been able to avoid Riley and Eric. There hasn't been a need to go back to Dauntless and I am eternally grateful for it. I can't face Eric. Not after that.
I should have said something, should have denied it. I couldn't though. Not when he was staring at me like that. Not after I had wanted him.
I should know better, but I am Erudite and Dauntless; he is intelligent and dangerous enough to intrigue both sides of me. He wants me and I am curious enough to let him have me and it's terrifying. I can't let it happen. No good can come of it.
"Amelia." I am pulled from my thoughts, panicking for a second at the sound of Jeanine's voice. I calm myself down just as quickly, turning to look at her. She stands in her office door, looking as impressive and stern as always. "Come inside."
I grab my tablet and follow her, ignoring the tightness of my chest. As she sits down in her chair, I take a seat across from her. My hands are steady as I wait. Luckily, she has never been one to dance around the point.
"I want you to arrange for volunteers from the other factions to come in for testing." She's watching me carefully, her gaze steady behind her glasses.
"Alright," I say carefully. I open up my tablet, ready to take notes. "Is there any particular excuse you want me to give them for coming in?" Her next words send my stomach plummeting. "I am certain you'll think of something satisfactory." She straightens in her chair and smiles at me. "You're learning more each day, Amelia. I know that you'll prove yourself a valuable asset, one that will exceed my expectations. I want you to head all of the testing on the volunteers. Make sure everything is done properly and that they come in. Gregory and his assistants will assist in the testing. Send me your plans for approval before initiating them. Am I understood?"
Fear settles in the pit of my stomach, but I nod. "Yes, ma'am." More responsibility and more duties that will only help her to find and destroy people like me. Genetic anomalies. A sudden thought occurs. There may be some good in this. "Ma'am?" I ask, catching her attention. "Will this project affect my work at the laboratory in Dauntless?"
"Of course not. Our work in Dauntless is one of the highest priority." She leans forward, resting her elbows on her desk and clasping her hands together. I feel like one of the specimens under her microscope. "I would, however, have you draw back on your duties of assistant and focus on our goal." I stare at her in surprise. Draw back from duties? "You want me to...stop being your assistant?" It feels as if the world is shifting under my feet. My chest tightens. Being her assistant is what has saved me so far.
"I am not incapable of managing my own schedule," she says, her voice tight at the assumption. Before I can reel back, she continues. "You are one of the few I trust with this and you will work directly under me as usual. Amelia, you have proven yourself well so far and have the capability to go far beyond the boundaries of others in Erudite. It is time you show that."
I am left speechless. Despite my utter fear of the woman, she still is the leader and highly respected for her intelligence and she is praising me. It doesn't feel right. "Thank you," I say finally.
She nods in response. "This will be a gradual change, to acclimate you to your new position. I will inform you of a replacement." I can only nod. "That is all."
"Thank you," I say again, automatically before rising and leaving her office.
I manage to make it to my desk, stopping myself from collapsing into my chair. How did this happen? In the span of a week, everything has changed. All of my plans, everything that I did to protect myself, is getting pulled out from under me. I am left floundering with choices that are not my own. How will I know if she becomes a danger to me before it is too late? And what exactly will working under her consist of? What will she have me do?
I take a deep breath and try to shove down the panic that I feel. I can do this. Human beings are adaptable creatures and I should be able to work this out. I just need time and a plan.
It doesn't take long before I figure it out. It's a decision I was already planning on making, which is the only concession I can give myself. I am not giving into him. I'm not. This was my choice when I first put it into motion. I already know he won't take it that way but it's the only option I have. I can't refuse Jeanine, and that alone puts me in close contact with Dauntless. The only thing that can be moved is the very thing that Eric demanded of me. I need to end the engagement.
I do not have the time to schedule a meeting with Riley. My days have become busier than usual and what little free time I have is bound to be filled with the arrangements for the volunteers. Arrangements that I still need to make. The stress of it all feels overwhelming and it is only during the supposed time I have for lunch that I make my way to Riley's office. The sooner the better. Not only will this relieve some of the pressure but it will also be for Riley's own good. I cannot trust Eric and his threats. I can't have more blood on my hands.
I find Riley in his office, sitting behind his desk. His glasses are surprisingly not obscuring his face when he looks up as I knock. He grins widely, standing up and coming towards me. He kisses my cheek as he approaches.
"Amelia! To what do I owe this surprise."
"I have to speak with you. Do you have a moment?"
"Of course," he motions me to the chair before going back to sit behind his desk. It's a subtle show of power. "Is this about the tests?"
"In a way." I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am doing this for me, no one else. "I want to break off the engagement."
The pleased expression on his face melts off into a disbelieving stare. "What?"
"I want to end the engagement."
"Why?" He's not happy. I can see the tension in his body and without his glasses it is easy to see the hard glint in his eyes.
"Because I choose to," I say. My patience is running low and it is only years of experience that keeps my expression calm. The answer isn't one he wants, but I can't tell him the truth. I can't tell him that this was always my plan; that I cannot deal with him and Eric. I won't play with his life in my hands. "I am not in a position to marry anyone at this time, and I am even less inclined to marry someone who demands my attention and gets upset when my work takes precedence. It's over." I make to stand when his hand slams against his desk, startling me.
"That's bullshit." The swear takes me by surprise. I would have expected a reaction like this from Eric, not him. He leans forward over his desk. "You and I are well matched, Amelia. We are the highest ranked in our positions. It's logical." He takes a deep breath and seems to settle back into his chair. "I understand that your work is important, as is mine, which is why I thought that having this expedited would be beneficial to both of us. I can wait."
I stare at him in shock. He is undermining my decision. Any ounce of respect I hold for him disappears. My eyes narrow at him, his words running through my mind again. "I once warned you, Riley, that my work came first. You have not respected that, the same way you did not respect my family when they had you for dinner. I will not waste my time with someone who – "
"But you will for a Dauntless?" His words are like ice. He sits across from me, looking smug. "Let's face it Amelia, the only future here for you in Erudite is with me. I am the best choice." Fury burns through me. I do not have to take this. Not from him.
I stand up suddenly. "Perhaps," I snap, "if you're so determined to have someone of status you should have proposed to Jeanine herself." He looks shocked, not expecting my outburst. I feel as if I am going to scream. I can't stay here. I channel my inner Jeanine, hoping that the tone of my voice cuts through him. "You are not my only option. Do not contact me again about this." I turn and leave, pausing at the door. "If you'll excuse me, I have work to do."
Ignoring his protests, I leave. There are enough people around that I am confident he will not follow. I am not ready to go back to Jeanine though and my feet carry me outside to the courtyard. The chances of finding it empty are slim, and I content myself that the few people that are there are quietly studying, or simply passing through. I sit down at the nearest bench and just try to breathe. The engagement was over. Finally.
The news doesn't fill me with relief though. Instead, I just find myself tired. It's only one thing out of the way. I have to inform my family about the change in my status. There is the new work with Jeanine...and at some point I will have to deal with Eric's interest.
"Ms. Elswood? Are you alright?"
I look up at the voice. Standing before me is a nervous looking man, one whom I don't recognize. It's not surprising that he knows me, but his approach is unusual. He fidgets as I look at him, glancing around him as if he is afraid of the shadows jumping out at him.
"Do I know you?"
He swallows. "Not...quite. I'm a friend of a friend. You just looked...out of sorts." His words strike a chord in me. I don't have any friends, not like his tone suggests. I peer at him, trying to figure out if I know him.
"Who are you?"
"Issac. I'm sorry if I intruded. I just...I thought it best to check. Excuse me." He turns to flee.
"Wait!" I call out but to my surprise, he ignores me. I watch as he heads back into Erudite's building and disappears. A friend of a friend? Who on earth would...it strikes me so suddenly that I nearly recoil in shock. Eric.
Eric has an information source; one that I had known was in the education sector. If Issac was it, that explained his reluctance to give me his full name and why he looked terrified of approaching me. I stand up quickly. It would not be hard to find Issac and gain the truth of the matter. Then I could end Eric's information source, and perhaps he would grow tired of his interest in me. It was unlikely, but I could hope. It would be another thing that I wouldn't have to worry about. I move back to Erudite. I could no longer tarry and waste precious time. I have work to do.
My search for Issac is relatively easy. There is only one by that name, in his age range, in the education sector. I take note of the location of his office, and his teaching hours. The timing has to be precise to corner him. I can't have him run from me, but I also need to ensure no one else will listen in. If I can catch him at during his office hours, and keep him there, it will be my advantage. In the meantime, I have to figure out a way to bring in volunteers from all the factions, without giving the true reason away.
The question plagues me. There is no honest way to bring them in, and to ensure that they actually come, the lie will have to be good. There is only one way to get everyone involved, and if it's done right, with few questions. I need to aim at their fears, particularly their fears for their health and their families. With that in mind, before I can stop myself, I type up a memo informing that all those who had have frequented The Hub in the last few days need to come in for generic health testing as a precaution due to an unprecedented gas leak. My throat feels tight as I send it off to Jeanine for approval. It is surprisingly fast that it returns to me with few edits, suggestions and the demand that it be sent back for final approval.
I try not to think as I make the changes. Every character I type is another one that helps seal someone else's fate. Oh god. What am I doing? Am I really willing to go this far, to bring in people for testing? The answer comes swiftly, a resounding yes. I can't let myself doubt this. I am doing what I need to. I am doing what I can to survive, and it is not my fault if others are not smart enough to do the same. Instead of relieving me, the guilt sits thick in my throat. I can't back down now.
I wait until Issac is settled in his office before walking in. He looks up, and I watch as panic darts across his face. He stands up, looking ready to run.
"Ms. Elswood! What – what are you doing here?"
"Sit down, Mr. Kava," I demand. He lowers himself slowly back into his chair and I stand on the other side of his desk. There's no need to sit. I won't be long. "This ends now."
"I don't know what you mean? What ends?" He looks confused before glancing around, as if expecting Eric to jump out from behind a bookshelf. I take a deep breath and try to relax.
"Don't play me for a fool, Mr. Kava. I know very well that you have been informing the Dauntless leader Eric of my activities." I lean forward, hands on his desk. He leans back, as if trying to retreat. He looks scared. Good. "That ends now. I don't care what he's threatened, if I hear another word of you telling him about me, you're life at Erudite will get exceedingly difficult. Am I understood?"
"You don't understand!" He exclaims, panicked. "You don't know what he'll do!"
"I don't care," I snap. "You have a choice. You can end it, and let me deal with the fall out, or continue to act as his informant and see yourself Factionless. Then you will have to deal with him without the protection of Erudite."
His mouth moves as if attempting to speak but no sound comes out. I nod, a sick feeling of satisfaction sits in me at his expression. "I've made my point. The decision is yours," I say before turning and leaving his office. I can only hope that it's enough.
I am close the the exit when I hear his voice.
"Amelia!"
My entire body stiffens at the sound and I take a deep breath to steel myself against the oncoming assault before turning around. Riley is storming towards me. I sit behind a mask of indifference as I nod to him. "Riley."
He stops when he's finally in front of me, close enough to touch. "We need to talk."
"No we don't," I say. "I've said all I have to say."
"Well I haven't!" he snaps. "You're being illogical."
I have to clench my teeth to keep myself from reacting. "I am not. I will not subject myself to the possibility of a lifetime of your ego. Excuse me." I turn to leave but his arm reaches out and grabs me. His grip is tight, holding me in place. I have had enough of people touching me without my permission. I look back at him. "Release me this instant." He doesn't.
"Listen to reason, Amelia. You and I both know that Erudite would prosper with our union."
"Perhaps," I grind out, "you did not hear me. Let go."
"Not until we talk this out." His grip tightens and I inhale sharply at the feeling. He moves closer, his voice lowering. "We can work this out."
"You're hurting me," I say tightly. "If you do not release me in this instant I will see you and your reputation destroyed."
"By who? Your Dauntless pet?"
My eyes narrow. "You forget to whom you speak, Riley Givens. I am Jeanine's assistant and one word over the cause of my distraction and your danger to me will see you thrown to the very bottom of Erudite's hierarchy. Do not presume to test me. Let go."
His hand releases me instantly but I already know it's going to bruise. His eyes are hard, but he's taken my words to heart for now. "This isn't finished," he says. "We will speak of this."
"No," I say. "We won't. Go back to work." I turn and leave. He does not stop me but the ache in my arm is a reminder of the confrontation. I knew he would not take the news of the end of the engagement well, but I had not expected his persistence. It didn't matter. I could take care of it. I didn't lie when I threatened him. I would do what I had to...I always have.
Dauntless is the first to be tested. The approved memo was sent out earlier, and the demands for testing have increased. It is a lot to schedule. Luckily, Jeanine is dealing with the leaders over the reasons that the supposed leak happened, the possible effects of it and how to ensure it never happens again. This leaves me overlooking the lab and watching as various Dauntless members are to be situated in chairs and scanned while doctors ask questions.
I wait at the entrance of Erudite for the Dauntless and it doesn't take long to see them jumping from the train before making their way over. People mutter, moving out of their way as Eric leads them towards me.
"Amelia," he says, looking far too pleased to just see me.
"Eric," I reply before looking over the rest of the Dauntless. "Thank you for coming. If you'll follow me." The Dauntless follow without question, and Eric falls into step beside me when I turn and lead them into the building.
"Heard about the engagement," he says lightly. "Shame it didn't work out." I ignore him. I will not dignify that with the response that he's looking for.
It is not far to the laboratory, and despite my lack of answering, Eric has yet to demand my attention. When we enter, the doctors stand to greet me. Gregory walks up to me first; the same assistant that accompanied him and Jeanine when they worked on the Dauntless boy follows him.
"Amelia," Gregory says as he steps closer. I raise my eyebrows at the familiarity. We are not close enough for the use of my first name, especially since I am usually referred to by my last name. Eric catches his attention at my side though and it is only the assistant that notices. "I'm glad you could make it," he says to Eric. I am surprised his voice doesn't falter.
"Is everything ready?" I ask.
"Oh, yes. We have individual stations prepped for the general assessment and the machines are set and ready for the scans."
"How long will it take?" Eric asks. His face is calm and any previous amusement is erased in the sight of others.
"A couple of hours," Gregory answers. "Give or take."
Eric nods before turning back to his followers. "Listen to the doctors and do what they tell you. Go!" The Dauntless scramble forwards and I nearly step back in surprise. Gregory stutters as he orders them to sit in various sections. Once I see that everything is in order, I move to the side and open my tablet. I need to check on the scheduling for the other factions.
Eric moves and follows me, standing close enough that I can practically feel him. I focus on the tablet, looking over the notice that the leaders will be present when the people of their factions are tested. Another stress. I can only pray that Jeanine will be there with them.
"Did he cry?" he asks. The laboratory is busy and loud enough to cover his voice. I add in the final times for the volunteers into my schedule, determined to not react. "Did he demand why?" he leans down, his lips next to my ear when he finally asks. "Did you tell him how close you were to fucking me?"
I turn to face him, jaw clenched as I see that smirk on his face. I gave him exactly what he wanted. My eyes narrow. "I ended the engagement for my own reasons, not because of you."
"That's bullshit," he says. He looks at me like I'm an idiot.
"Despite what you think, you do not control everything that I do. And in regards to that kiss? It didn't mean anything," I say slowly. "Surely even you can recognize a simple biological reaction to your physical demands. What did you expect?"
His entire demeanour changes, and the serious look in his eyes strikes alarm within me as he moves to stand closer. He grabs my arm, hitting the same spot where Riley had the day before. I can't stop myself from flinching and crying out at the pressure. His hand drops instantly.
"What happened?" His voice is hard, and I look up to see him staring at my arm. I shift, turning away to face the room again.
"It's nothing."
"That wasn't fucking nothing." He grabs my wrist, turning me back to face him as he tries to shove the sleeve of my jacket up.
"Stop it!" I try to push his hand away. "I said it was nothing."
"Amelia." The way he says my name sends shivers down my spine. It is a dangerous tone. "Show me."
"There's nothing to show."
"Really?" he asks, raising his eyebrows. He presses a finger in the exact spot of the bruise, causing me to automatically try to pull my arm from his grasp and nearly drop my tablet.
"Ow! Stop it." I glare up at him, but he merely stares back. Why does he even care? It shouldn't matter.
"What happened?" he demands again. Fear runs through me for a second. He's already threatened Riley and despite my dislike of the man, I won't have his blood on my hands.
"It's none of your business, alright?" I try to pull myself out of his grip, but it doesn't give.
"The hell it isn't. Who the fuck hurt you?" His thumb is stroking the inside of my wrist, and he's staring at me looking ready to hunt down the perpetrator and avenge me. If I wasn't certain he was out for blood, I might be tempted to let him. I won't though. His attention, his reaction, doesn't make sense. Yes, the evidence points to his obvious attraction to me, but it's illogical. He shouldn't care this much. Not about a bruise.
"I never said anyone hurt me. I said it wasn't your business, which it's not."
He leans close, his face inches from mine. "Don't fuck around with me, Amelia. I know an injury when I see it. Tell me what happened."
I stare back at him. "No."
He inhales sharply. "Who are you protecting?"
"There's no one too protect." I take a deep breath and try to calm the emotions that seem to run rampant in me every time I interact with him. It's all anger and fear. I won't let myself consider anything else.
"Ms. Elswood?"
Eric drops my wrist and I look over to see the assistant that works with Gregory standing there. She looks between the two of us before her gaze settles on me. "Forgive the interruption, but Dr. Fisher is asking for you." I've never been so thankful for Gregory in my life. I nod at her and turn to Eric.
"Excuse me." I turn to leave, but Eric grabs the wrist of the arm that's not injured. His grip is soft, yet unrelenting. He moves forward to speak low enough that the other woman can't hear him.
"I will find out Amelia." His thumb traces over my pulse point and I have to force myself to not react. I glance back at him.
"Good luck."
Gregory keeps me occupied enough to keep me away from Eric. He is very concerned over the Dauntless and, according to him, a respectable young woman of Erudite should not be forced to mingle with the brutes of Dauntless. If only he knew.
The Dauntless shift with impatience as they wait for the last scans to be completed. There are murmurs between them, but as I look up to see what's happening, Eric has glared them into silence. Once the final Dauntless jumps from their chair, Eric walks up to Gregory and I.
"Well? Are they going to live?" He says snidely and I look at Gregory who is staring at Eric with a trace of fear in his eyes.
"Um, well, I have to go over all of the results more...in depth, but yes," he nods. "They look fine. We'll let you know if anything is wrong."
"Amelia knows how to reach me," Eric says. "Send word through her." I try not to argue. He is aiming for a reaction, especially after the argument earlier.
"If that's all," I say to Gregory. "We should let the Dauntless return to their faction. Where they belong." My voice gets hard at the end, but Eric just smirks at me. I force a smile. "If you'll follow me." I motion him forwards, amused suddenly at the change of position between us, and walk back to the doors. Eric falls into step beside me and I can hear the other Dauntless following.
I keep my pace quick, desperate to see them out of Erudite. The sound of my heels is muffled under the thundering of their boots. The Dauntless do not know how to walk quietly. Eric has yet to say anything, and it makes me increasingly nervous. Nothing good happens when he is silent.
We finally make it back to the entrance, and I watch as Erudite's scatter and watch. I stop outside the entrance, as does Eric. The Dauntless exit but wait, watching their leader.
"Thank you for coming in for testing," I say to them. My voice is calm and professional, a state I wish I felt. "You will be informed of any irregularities found." The Dauntless nod, and I hear some of them offer their thanks, but all of them watch Eric and Eric's eyes are still on me. He makes a signal, something with his hand that I don't catch and the Dauntless run into the wind, heading towards the train tracks. They cheer as they run, but Eric doesn't move.
I nod at him. "Eric," I dismiss, before turning to head back inside my faction. His arm grabs mine, careful of the bruise on it. I still.
He steps forward, but doesn't turn me to face him. Instead, I feel his back against mine and his lips against my ear. "I will find out."
"You can try," I reply. I don't attempt to face him, but I can see people staring from inside Erudite. Oh god. I turn quickly, desperate suddenly to send him on his way. He barely steps back and his hand remains on my arm. "I know about Issac, Eric." There's a brief look of confusion in his eyes before I elaborate. "I know who your informant is. I have already spoken to him and it's over."
He laughs suddenly but there is nothing kind in it. He looks amused when he looks down at me.
"Impressive."
My eyes narrow. There's something else. He doesn't say anything though. Instead his hand relaxes it's grip, slowly trailing down the skin of my arm until he touches my hand. I pull it back quickly.
His eyes harden and my breath catches in my throat at the sight. "I'll see you soon, Amelia," he says. It sounds like a promise. Before I can say anything else, he turns and runs towards the train tracks. I stand there and watch, curiosity overtaking me, as the train comes forwards. The Dauntless run next to it before pulling themselves on to it. The force and speed required to do such a thing is impressive. In moments, the train is gone and I am left standing alone in the entrance. I turn and walk back inside Erudite, ignoring the stares I can feel on me. The rumours are only going to get worse.
The days pass without any sign of Eric. It is one thing I am grateful for as the rest of the factions come in for testing. Jeanine makes herself present, keeping the attention of the three representatives as I ensure everything runs smoothly. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to deal with them myself. Candor makes me nervous. They always have. I am strung tight enough already. I cannot have one of them recognizing any signs that I am faltering. Amity and Abnegation just continue to confuse me. I do not understand how they can still strive for peace and continue to be selfless. They do not know the truth of the world otherwise everything would be different. I'm certain of it.
The message demanding my presence comes in early in the morning, before I am ready to leave for work. The sight of it causes my stomach to sink. The last time Jeanine demanded my presence like this, she had the Dauntless boy in for testing. I get ready quickly, ignoring the tightness in my chest as I head to Erudite. Let me be wrong.
The building is silent. The sound of my heels echo through the halls as I make my way to Jeanine's lab. The scans don't bring up the usual worry they cause. Instead, I am more afraid of what I am about to find beyond the door. The door slides open without a sound and I walk in slowly. Jeanine is standing next to Gregory and as she turns to look at me, I can see one thing clearly. Vera is sitting opposite them, strapped to a chair.
"Ah, Amelia, good of you to join us," Jeanine says before turning back to face Vera. I nod and walk up slowly. My throat feels tight. The closer I get, the more I can make out the tracks that the tears have left on Vera's cheeks. Vera's eyes cut to me sharply. "As you can see – "
"Ms. Elswood!" Vera cuts Jeanine off, pleading as she looks at me. "Amelia, please! I didn't do anything! I didn't –" Gregory strides forwards and covers Vera's mouth, effectively gagging her. She's crying harder and everything in my screams at me to run. Jeanine looks at me though, waiting for me to respond. I can barely breathe as I step forward. This wasn't just some Dauntless boy whom none of us knew. This was an Erudite. This could be me. The thought sits thick in my throat, weighing down my words. As sorry as I am, I can't react with anything less than an Erudite response that Jeanine expects. I am saving myself. She should have done the same.
I step forwards and look at Vera. She seems so young. "You have to understand," I say softly. I sound patronizing even to myself. "What you are is a danger to us all. Your sacrifice will help save us. Surely you can understand that?"
Her eyes widen at my words and she starts crying harder. I can't watch. I turn to face Jeanine who is looking at me with approval in her eyes. I feel sick. "What do you have planned?"
"We're going to go slow. We don't want to lose her like our last subject," Jeanine says. I open the tablet at her words. Notes will be necessary. "She is to be kept sedated when not undergoing testing where her mind needs to be active. I want full scope blood work done, as well as MRIs and EEGs. Her physical health must be monitored during this process. Once that is complete, we will start the testing of the serums, continually scanning her for any changes to her biometric system. I want full reports on everything. Understood?"
My fingers speed over the tablet and I nod. "Yes, ma'am."
"Good. Clear my schedule. Most of my time will be spent here. I expect you to take care of any inquiries, as well as any emails or demands for my time. Send me only what is necessary and requires my attention. I am not to be disturbed." It is an order and one I will gladly take. Anything to keep me out of this lab. "During this time I want you to return to Dauntless. Take technicians and see to the equipment there. There have been issues cropping up on our systems here." Her words still me. Return to Dauntless? I haven't heard of any issues but I slowly nod. I will not defy her. Not now.
"Yes, ma'am," I say.
"They should expect you tomorrow afternoon. That is all." Jeanine moves away from me, going deeper into the lab.
I had steadfastly refused to look at Vera, especially since she fell silent, but as I look after Jeanine, I cannot help but see her. She is unconscious, slumped in her chair and held up only by her restraints. Gregory stands next to her and when I look at him, he gives me a smile and a nod. I nod back automatically. This is all my fault.
I leave the lab, feeling as if on autopilot as I reach my desk without thought. The feeling suddenly overwhelms me, and I am forced to flee to the nearest washroom. It is thankfully empty. I lock the door quickly and slump against it. I cannot breathe. It feels as if my chest is being crushed by the weight of my guilt. What have I done? It is because of me, because of my actions and information that Vera sits up there. Better her than me, but the thought does nothing to relieve the pressure of the obvious panic attack.
I forced in a deep breath, counting slowly as I exhaled. I could handle this. I had to. There was no alternative. I tried to stop my hands from trembling. Oh god. I can't do this. I focused on my breathing, counting slowly each time to try and regulate it. When I finally felt like I could breathe again, I stood up. I did not have the luxury of regret. Not here and not now. Vera could have saved herself. I gave warning. It is not my fault. Despite how many times I tell myself that, the weight on my chest never lifts. I do not believe it.
[tbc]
