Note:

This is the T-Rated Version of this story. If you wish to read the M-Rated version, please visit my profile and choose "Dear Death, I quit" or copy this story-ID behind the FF Link in your address bar: s/13906226/1/Dear-Death-I-quit


Prelude

"Name one universe you do not want to end up in under any circumstances." Death had ordered the dead soul.

Naïve as he was, the young man had answered honestly and with vehemence as fierce as the raging flames of hell. "Naruto."

Now that he was staring at his reflection, he was sure this was the biggest mistake he had ever made.

Because looking back at him was not his former body, but the face of his most despised anime protagonist.

Uzumaki Naruto.

So, he did the only sensible thing.

He shrieked and threw his chair at the deity responsible for his plight.

It had been the wrong reaction.


The Transmigrator wants to quit

"…and this was how the Shodai Hokage founded Konoha. Naruto! Are you listening?!"

The called boy yawned unenthusiastically and did not even bother to look up from his current project. "No," he answered shortly, uncaring of his teacher's infuriated appearance.

Iruka's right eye twitched at the child's blatant disregard. "This is your last year! You will not be able to graduate if you keep this up!"

He got a very disinterested "So what?" in response.

Iruka's left eye twitched. "What are you even doing?!" he demanded sharply and marched up towards the inattentive child and stared at the assortment of strange objects on his desk.

"Fly tying," Naruto replied flatly. "But it's getting rather difficult since I've run out of ostrich feathers." He paused to look at Iruka. "Can you please move, sensei? You are blocking the light. I can't see the cord."

That was too much for the chunin. He bent forward and snatched the hook out of Naruto's hand. "I am confiscating this." He narrowed his eyes. "Now I want to see a perfect henge from you. Get going."

Naruto blinked. "Fine."

"Well?" Iruka demanded when Naruto showed no signs of moving.

"I am done."

Iruka stared at him.

Naruto had not changed at all. He had not even made a single hand sign.

"And what have you supposedly done?" he inquired drily.

"I transformed into myself," Naruto replied flatly. "You just don't see the difference."

Iruka took a deep, calming breath. "You will stay here for the rest of the day and revise what you should have learned already.No skipping it this time," he added in a warning tone. "If I see you even look at the door, I'll tie you to your chair. Got it?"

Naruto shrugged. "Fine. Can I have my fly back now?"

Iruka twitched. "No. Now out with you. It's time for your throwing practice."

Naruto wordlessly walked off.


"Uzumaki. It's your turn now. Throw!"

"Yes, sensei," Naruto answered obediently. He raised the kunai, bent his wrist and...

...threw it down.

It met the ground with a loud 'clang'.

There was a moment of silence as everyone stared at the dropped weapon before Mizuki raised his head to stare at the child. "Uzumaki! Why did you throw your kunai to the ground?!"

Naruto looked from his angry teacher to the weapon and back again, an expression of blank confusion on his face. "You told me to throw it, sensei. So I threw it," he answered simply.

His teacher glared at him. "Yes, at the target. Not down."

Naruto blinked. "Then you have to give clearer instructions, sensei. I won't know what to do if you don't specify your orders. "

Mizuki fumed. "Pick it up and get back in line!"

Naruto obediently picked the weapon up and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" Mizuki demanded sharply when he saw the kid head towards the academy gates.

"I am going to find a queue to line up in. I heard the bakery has a nice long one."

Mizuki's hand twitched toward his pouch. "Get back right now! I order you not walk through these gates!"

"But there's no line here, sensei!" Naruto called back and casually walked up the academy walls, intent on getting himself some nice sweets from the local bakery.


It was a short excursion.

Naruto had barely paid for his big bag of assorted sweets when he got intercepted by two animal masked men.

"Uzumaki Naruto," the bulkier of the two began, "Hokage-sama wishes for an audience."

Naruto opened his bag and fished out a rice cake. "Does he not have enough of you guys around to watch whatever he's doing? I thought being Hokage is a busy job, but it seems he still has time enough to start a career as a performer."

The ANBU twitched. "Let me rephrase that: Hokage-sama has ordered us to bring you to him. Will you come quietly?"

"Let me think for a moment," Naruto chewed thoughtfully on his rice cake. "No." He smirked. "I believe, I am a screamer."

They stared at him.


The Third sighed and threw a disappointed look at the uninterested young boy two ANBU had just picked up from the local bakery. "You disobeyed your teacher. Again. He told you not to leave, yet you did."

"He said not to walk out of the gates. I didn't." Naruto shrugged carelessly in the masked man's grip and munched on his chocolate cornet.

It was vaguely impressive that he still managed to look so nonchalant while being held up by the back of his shirt.

"That did not mean that you could climb over the walls instead." The Hokage threw him a disapproving look. Naruto ignored it with practiced ease. Why should he care what a strange man with a weird hat thought?

He hated this universe and had zero interest in becoming some kind of misguided, overenthusiastic savior.

Or whatever else original Naruto was supposed to be.

He had no idea since he had quit the series after the first three episodes, fed up with that Naruto kid's attitude and the other characters' idiotic behavior.

One of these idiotic people was still staring expectantly at him.

Oh, right, he was supposed to answer. Too bad he really did not feel like it.

So he stayed quiet.

The old man sighed.

Naruto thought he looked more than ready to retire.

"Do you not want to be Hokage one day?" the Third tried again when his first tactic failed to make the child look suitably chastised.

He failed again.

Spectacularly.

Because all he got was a short: "Not interested." It sounded rather muffled since Naruto was still chewing on his sweet.

Naruto had zero intention of getting involved with this world. He wanted to go back to his reality.

Where things made sense.

Naruto had lived a nice, comfortable life when he still had been Andrew, the fashion designer with a passion for fly tying.

And speaking of fashion design.

He swallowed his bite and turned around to glance at the ANBU holding him up. "You do realize that this bandage-wrapping style is so last season? It's cross-wrapping that's in these days. And you really need to find some higher-quality trousers. Those cheap things you wear are already getting frayed at the hem. By the way, could you let me down now?"

The ANBU responded by tightening his grip and lifting him up even higher. Naruto clicked his tongue. "Touchy, huh? Oh well, if you want to keep running around like this it's not my problem." He shook his head. "Some people are really beyond help."

The man stiffened.

"Naruto!" The Hokage suddenly cut in, sounding both tired and frustrated. "Did you even listen to anything I said?"

Naruto's answer was immediate. "No."

The Third closed his eyes. "Take him back to the academy," he ordered the ANBU weakly. "Make sure he doesn't run off again."

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" the ANBU replied swiftly.

Naruto stared at him. "Oh, so you can speak! I thought you were mute in addition to being badly dressed!"

The ANBU twitched.


"I am returning your student to you, Iruka-sensei."

Iruka looked from the impassive ANBU to the child dangling from the man's fist and back again.

He was not sure if he really wanted to know, but his curiosity still won over his rationality. "Why is he wrapped in bandages?"

"Apparently cross-wrapping is fashionable these days," the ANBU replied flatly and dropped the mummified child into Iruka's arms.

Iruka removed the cover from Naruto's mouth.

"Hello, sensei," the child greeted him. "Can I have my fly back now?"

Wordlessly, Iruka replaced the bandage. "Fashionable," he agreed calmly, "Indeed."