Naruto lounged on the nice fluffy grass and munched happily on his apple. It was a slow day today because he had skipped his training yet again.
Not-Izuna was perched on the branch across him and eyed him with an expression of deep disapproval, clearly displeased with his uncaring attitude.
Naruto ignored the glare with practiced ease and continued chewing through his fruit when he was suddenly struck by a brilliant idea. "I've got an idea!" he announced unnecessarily and jumped up. "It's brilliant! It's cool, absolutely -"
"Disturbing," Not-Shodai finished once Naruto had laid his plans out. "Idea rejected. Strongly."
"I concur," Not-Izuna snapped, "I will not allow you to do that."
"As if I cared about your permission," Naruto snorted and smiled cheerily at the two birds. "But if you don't like it, you can always stop me. I guess I'd be hard, though, with you being birds and all. Huh. I guess Death can be really helpful sometimes."
Oops.
Naruto realized his gigantic mistake the moment the words "Death and helpful" escaped his lips.
There was no way Death would not…
Yup.
He was right.
Naruto dashed off.
But he did not get far.
Two twin blurs suddenly appeared at his sides, grabbed his arms, and threw him to the ground.
Not-Shodai and Not-Izuna towered above him in their human-shaped glory. Neither of them looked particularly pleased.
Naruto being Naruto reacted to the situation in the only appropriate manner.
He started rambling about their lack of fashion sense. "Aw, Izuna, your fur coat got even dirtier. Did you wash at all while you were a bird?"
Madara snickered at the disgruntled expression on Tobirama's face. But his humor was quickly replaced by a fierce scowl when the child continued. "And Not-Shodai, your hair looks like a bird-nest. Did you even think to groom yourself?"
This time, Tobirama seemed to be rather amused.
"You think this is funny, Senju?" Madara snapped.
"You have no right to complain, Uchiha. Your laughter did not escape me."
"You two sound like an old married couple," the brat cut in, "Are you sure you are not secret lovers?"
Tobirama's momentary amusement evaporated immediately.
A look of mutual agreement was shared between the two hostile clan members. Madara leaned down and pulled a fishing line out of the child's pocket, unrolling it with deliberately slow movements.
"I believe," Tobirama's voice sounded ominous as he held the boy in place. "We are completely capable of stopping you."
"I refuse to stay here," Madara snapped and glared at the leaking faucet.
Naruto's answer was swallowed by the rag in his mouth.
"What did he say?" Madara turned towards Tobirama. The man lowered himself on one of the two chairs and tilted his head. "I have no idea."
Madara ripped the gag out of the boy's mouth. "I said: Good, because I haven't invited you anyw- oomp."
The gag was shoved back in.
"Nothing important," Madara concluded. "Well, Senju" he demanded and crossed his arms, "Why are you still here?"
"I already told you. Death has sent me to keep an eye on you. I shall have to remain here as long as you do," Tobirama replied calmly.
"So, I am stuck with you and that impudent brat?" Madara snarled.
"Trust me, Uchiha. I am just as pleased as you are about this."
Both men ignored the tightly bound child to their feet, too occupied with glaring at each other.
Naruto thought they really looked like a married couple – or a pair of cats throwing a hissy fit.
Somehow, he doubted this comment would be appreciated, though. He used their distraction to spit the cloth out again and attempted to crawl towards the door.
If the two of them were busy arguing, he could still implement his utterly brilliant, and absolutely genius plan.
The floor below him felt somewhat light, and was that the tabletop he was crawling past?
How did it end up being so low?
He looked down.
How did he end up so high?
Following a hunch, he turned his head and looked directly into the red eyes of a very unimpressed Not-Izuna.
That was when he realized that he was dangling from the man's grip and flailing around midair.
"I am starting to believe that Hiruzen had the right idea when he put a leash on you," Not-Izuna commented flatly.
Naruto threw him an innocent "Who-me?" look that would have failed to convince a blind lizard. Since Tobirama was quite capable of sight, it worked even less.
He pouted and glared at the ceiling. "Thanks, Death! You are really helpful!" Naruto threw a hopeful look at his companions, but they did not change back.
"Just what's so bad about my plan?" he demanded when Death did not deign to answer and looked from one man to the other.
"What's so bad about it?" Not-Shodai snapped, "I'll tell you what's so bad about it!" he whirled around and fixed Naruto with a gaze that was so fierce that Naruto absently checked his clothes for any signs of scorch marks. "You are already causing enough trouble on your own. I don't want to deal with more versions of yourself running around!"
"You will not be learning the Shadow Clone Technique," Not-Izuna agreed. His voice sounded like polished steel. "This is final."
Naruto huffed. "Fine," he grumbled. "It's a stupid technique anyway. I mean, who comes up with a name like Shadow Clone? If that's a testament on how feeble those clones are, I'm really better off not learning it."
Not-Izuna tightened his grip. "It is a strong and effective technique," he snapped, "and way superior to any normal clones."
Naruto stared at him. "Geez, you sound like it was invented by your lover. Hey, did Not-Shodai make it? Or did you invent it yourself because no one wanted to do you?"
The man's grip became almost painfully tight.
"Remember, Senju!" Not-Shodai offered helpfully, "you can't kill him."
"Perhaps not," Not-Izuna replied grimly, "but I can still discipline him like the unruly child he is."
"So you two really are an item!"
The temptation had been too great.
Naruto absently wondered if the murderous look on Not-Shodai's face was something to be concerned about, or if the icy expression Not-Izuna showed warranted some consideration.
He came up with a "Meh," to both questions.
"That's it," Not-Shodai snarled. "I am done being kind."
Naruto whined as he sat on his sore behind and watched with growing horror as Not-Izuna fished his bag of hard-to-get ostrich feathers out of his pocket and held it over the crackling flame in Not-Shodai's hand. "No! Not my feathers!"
Not-Shodai smirked at him.
Not-Izuna's face was expressionless. "If I lower this bag, they will ignite immediately." As if to prove his point, he undid the cord, pulled a single, beautiful feather out and held it into the flame.
Naruto could only watch as the fragile beauty in front of him was swallowed by hungry red.
He whimpered and struggled against his tight bonds.
Not-Shodai's smirk became even more pronounced. "What do you think, Senju? Should we burn it?" The flame in his hand burned a bit brighter.
"I wonder," Not-Izuna replied, non-committingly, and pulled out a second feather, holding it just out of the flame's reach. "His actions do merit the punishment." He lowered the feather. The tip charred.
"You already walloped me hard enough to stop me from sitting for days," Naruto whined. "At least have mercy on the feathers!"
"Mercy?" Not-Shodai repeated lightly, before asking in a conversational tone. "Do you know what our clans used to do with enemies who asked for mercy?"
"We destroyed them," Not-Izuna replied serenely and lowered the bag.
Naruto screamed. "WAH! Death! I am sorry I broke your chair! Please help!"
Suddenly there was a flash of light and the terrifying shapes of Uchiha Madara, and Senju Tobirama changed into a panda and are tortoise with a ...stick?
Naruto had the sudden uncanny feeling that he had just interrupted Death's movie night, and he stared at the sharply written "Took you long enough" appearing on the mysteriously steamed window.
The deity had forgiven him! Hope blossomed in Naruto's chest, and his eyes sparkled with giddiness. "Can I go home now?!" he asked excitedly.
The letters changed.
Too much paperwork.
Naruto's hopes shattered into nothingness, and he exploded. "You lazy, annoying deity! I hope all your precious chairs break!"
There was a long moment of damning silence as Naruto's curse echoed through the room, and before he could even think 'Oh, shit', the two men were returned to their previous human forms. Death had not even bothered with any dramatic effects.
Senju Tobirama fixed him with a very flat look and summarized everyone's sentiments in a single, pointed sentence: "Child, you are a complete and utter fool."
Behind him, Uchiha Madara nodded in agreement.
Of course, this was the moment Sable jumped through the window.
He took one look at the tied-up boy and calmly walked over to inspect the bonds. "I do not know who put you in this state, but if I ever find it out, I shall gift them a bouquet of thank-you flowers – and perhaps enlist their services in subduing you. These knots are expertly done."
He grabbed Naruto and threw him over his shoulder. Naruto whined. "Ah – Please be kinder, Sable-sama! My butt is already sore."
"Is that so?" The ANBU remained unimpressed. "Then I shall make sure you have ample time to fall on it."
Madara grinned. "I like that man."
Tobirama snorted. "Of course you would. Now, kindly get out. This wardrobe is not big enough to hold both of us."
