We see the dump truck arrive in an alley way. "We're here." The drivers of the truck stop next to a brick house. Deadpool begins to exit the vehicle. "Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage." The drivers don't seem to mind. Once he's out of the vehicle, it drives away. "Seltzer water and lemon for blood," he yells at them. We then see him approaching the house. He then turns towards the audience. "Some kinds of anger can't be banished." He grabs a towel and wraps it around the top of his arm, which is starting to grow a new hand. "Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered." He's clearly angry. "That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. And I share that home with someone you've met. The blind hooker girl from the laundromat, LeShawna."


We have a flashback to the day Duncan met LeShawna at the laundromat. "God, I miss cocaine."

We then cut towards Duncan's location. "Her." He then realizes something and gasps. "Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break. That's like… 16 walls."


We cut back to present day. "She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's blind, and a girl, and a hooker, and I think she's in love with me." We see him enter the apartment where we see an automatic vacuum cleaner is running and Lee is building a cabinet, despite being blind. "Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too."

"Who is that?"

"Who else, genius?"

"Duncan! Hey honey, welcome home, bad boy."

"Smells like dried cum in here."

"Yeah. I had an orgy while you were gone. You should've seen the face of the guy I fucked. He was a hoot."

"How could you have seen it?"

"Someone described it to me. I wanted to punch him in the nose for lying to me, but someone beat me to the punch, pun intended."

"Whatever." Duncan slips into some rubber sandals. "So comfy."

"Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs."

"You mean my big rubber masturbating shoes?"

"Yes, I know. Downside of being blind, I hear everything in this duplex." Duncan falls to the ground, clearly ashamed of losing his prize.

"Sit on a stick."

"Bactine?" She asked him.

"Yeah." He then removes the towel, showing his handless arm. "The bactine should do it. How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA don't assemble itself."

"You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal."

"Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal." He sighs. "No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen."

"Screw please," she asked him.

"Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been hours."

"You'd be surprised."

Duncan looks disturbed. "Pretty grossed out."

LeShawna finishes the Kullen. "Ta… da." She sits down. As soon as she does, the thing falls apart, which we all saw coming. "I wish I never heard of Craigslist."

"And I quote: 'Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands. Or would you rather I build the IKEA and you pay rent.'"

"Why such a douche this morning?" LeShawna asked Duncan.

Duncan gets up to face her. "Let's recap. The cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today…" He remembers his hand's been cut off. "Arm." He then stands up and grabs a unicorn stuffed animal. "Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back, and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo." He walks past Lee and let one rip. "Hashtag, drive by." He enters the other room and begins doing some naughty shit.


We cut to Al arriving at a secret location, his motorcycle in literally on fire. We see Heather and a couple goons giving individuals sedatives and loading them up into crates. When Al enters, Heather looks shocked at his bloody features.

"Found out who our friend in the red suit is." Heather looks intrigued.

We then cut to her sewing Al's wounds. "Fucking Duncan Wilson. I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that. I only wish I healed the same." Heather finishes bandaging up Al. "Still, we'll put him out of our misery. On our terms."

"Right," Heather said dubiously. "And when he heals?"

"He can't. Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker." Changes into a new shirt, which is the same as his old one. "I like a challenge. But he's bad for business." He takes the match out of Heather's mouth. "Now let's go find him." They proceed to leave to go looking for Duncan.


We cut to later in the evening where we see Duncan resting while LeShawna grabs some kind of medication.

"Tylenol PM?" she asked.

"You can stick that where you stuck the Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now." He sighs and places his baby hand onto LeShawna's cheek. "But I appreciate the gesture."

"Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?" She asked.

"About the size of a KFC spork." Duncan answered.

"Yeah. I get why you're so pissy," she said. "But your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman and tell her how you feel."

"What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand."

"Looks aren't everything," she told him.

"Looks are everything," he said. "You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?"

"Love is blind, Duncan," she said.

"No," he said. "You're blind."

"So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?"

"No. I'm gonna wait till this hand plows through puberty and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan." He places his legs onto the table. "In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand." LeShawna proceeds to leave the room.