Chapter 10 – The Talk
The gravel road at the end of the marina trailed north along the coastline. The coast was mostly rocks and pebbles with the occasional sandy patch. Trees and bushes grew tall and wild on the other side of the road, shielding the road from traffic and houses. It was dark out by now, but a full moon shone down on them lightning up their way.
They walked in silence until the road twisted right and they could no longer see the marina behind them. The bay Blaine had mentioned was calm tonight, with only minor ripples where the water broke against the shore. There was a wooden bench next to the road, overlooking the bay, and that's where Blaine led Kurt.
"So," Kurt started when they'd sat down. He'd had plenty of time to figure out what he wanted to say on their walk there.
"Before you say anything," Blaine interrupted. Blaine was sitting so he faced Kurt, one leg bent on the bench with his foot tucked under the other leg and his arm rested against the backrest. "I want to apologize for what happened the other night. It didn't cross my mind that anyone could walk in on us and when they did I… I freaked out and my mind just froze. I couldn't think and I couldn't look at you because I was so scared they would see it in my eyes, how I feel about you."
The honesty in Blaine's words took Kurt by surprise. Blaine had seemed less than enthusiastic when Kurt showed up, but maybe that was only his walls coming up. Blaine risked getting hurt, too. It wasn't only Kurt's heart on the line.
"I understand why you reacted the way you did, I do, Blaine. I've been there too, scared that people will find out that you're not who they thought you were. I know I was harsh and maybe I overreacted, but it hurt that you wouldn't even acknowledge me being there. I felt so close to you when you said that you liked me, but then when they showed up, I was like nothing to you and… well, I felt so unimportant."
"You're not nothing to me, Kurt. Please believe me when I say that." There was a pleading, sincere look in Blaine's eyes and it went straight to Kurt's heart. "I was too much in my own head to think about how you felt and I know that's a terrible excuse, but it's the truth. It was never my intention to hurt you or make you feel less than what you are, and I am truly sorry for making you feel that way."
This was Blaine being honest. This was the Blaine Kurt had fallen for and he couldn't pretend he was unaffected by Blaine sitting next to him, being real.
"I do believe you, I just…," Kurt wanted to believe him. He did believe him, but there were things he wanted to understand, questions that needed answers, before he could completely put it behind him. "Maybe I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened and put that together with the person I was getting to know."
"Ask me anything and I will try to explain," Blaine offered then.
"I guess what I don't understand is that you flirted with me openly at the diner for everyone to see, and then I find out you haven't told you're friends you're gay," Kurt said, starting from the point where things got confusing so that he could try to understand Blaine's point of view. "Why haven't you told them? Nick said you've known each other since you were fourteen."
"It's none of their business who I like." Blaine's tone was hard, and it didn't feel like he had meant what he had said about 'ask me anything'. It made Kurt curious and a little confused.
"But they're your friends."
"So?" Blaine was completely uncomprehending as to why that should matter.
"They care about you. They're the closest thing you have to a family."
"I don't have a family," Blaine snapped, and Kurt realized it was the wrong thing to say.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. But please make me understand, Blaine. What do you think would happen if you told them?"
"Why does it matter? It's my decision who I decide to tell or not."
"Yes, of course it is." Kurt felt Blaine getting defensive and he needed to change that. Blaine wouldn't talk to him if he felt he was being questioned. So Kurt approached it from a different angle. "I'm okay with you not being out, it doesn't matter to me, but I want to understand why it's such a big deal to you. Because I want to understand you. Because I still care about you," Kurt added. He wanted Blaine to know this wasn't an interrogation or a push for him to come out, that his feelings for Blaine were still there. Because they were, that was clear to him now.
The words made some of the tenseness in Blaine's shoulders disappear and he seemed to contemplate what to say before he answered Kurt. "I'm a private person, I don't find it easy to open up to people."
Kurt furrowed his brow slightly. It wasn't a description he felt matched the Blaine he knew. "You've been open with me. You've told me how you feel about me, and that first night you told me about your parents, and we sat and talked for hours."
"I know…" Blaine contemplated. "I guess it's easier with strangers you don't expect to see again. If that makes sense?"
Kurt nodded. It did, somehow.
Blaine sighed then, a quiet sigh that seemed to be him surrendering and lowering his walls. "I'm scared they will look at me differently if they find out, that they will treat me differently," Blaine admitted. "I'm scared some of them won't talk to me at all, that they'll think I'm weak."
"Being gay doesn't make you weak." Kurt was firm on this point. He'd been considered weak by some ignorant people in high school, and he had believed them for a while, but with help from his real friends and his dad he had come to understand that he was strong, and they were the ones that were weak.
"I'm not sure everyone agrees…"
"Do you really want those people in your life?"
Blaine took a deep breath then. "I just don't want them to say things about me behind my back, I couldn't handle that. You are right when you say those guys are my family. They're all I've got, they're the only ones that care about me, and I don't want to lose anyone because of who I like. It's easier to just let things be."
Kurt thought about Nick. Nick who might be gay too. Did Blaine know about him? Did the others? They couldn't know though, could they? Because if they did, this wouldn't be a big deal to Blaine. Those guys should really learn to communicate better, Kurt thought to himself. He couldn't ask Blaine about Nick though, he would never out anyone, even though he wanted Blaine to know that there would be at least one person who wouldn't turn his back on him if he decided to tell his friends.
Neither would Kurt.
"They're not the only ones who care about you." Kurt placed his hand on Blaine's on the backrest, trying to convey his feelings with the simple gesture. Blaine looked at their hands and then at Kurt.
"Do you think there's a chance for us to work this out?" Blaine asked, looking at their hands again. "I don't know how to tell them yet, but I'll figure out a way if it means not losing you."
"I would never ask you to tell anyone unless you want to, that's not what this is about," Kurt said. "This is about us, you and me, and I just needed to understand."
"And do you?"
"I think I do."
"And?" Blaine asked, expecting eyes on Kurt. He threaded his fingers through Kurt's, connected their hands and pressed his palm to Kurt's. Blaine's hand was warm and soft against Kurt's and the touch made his heart beat faster. He'd missed Blaine's touches.
Kurt wanted to say yes. Yes, I want to give us a chance. His feelings had never gone away and here when it was just the two of them, with his fingers laced with Blaine's, it was easy to get carried away. But he couldn't yet.
Blaine must have noticed somehow that Kurt hesitated. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked." He pulled away his hand from Kurt's and with his eyes on the ocean instead of Kurt, he crossed his arms.
"Blaine…" Kurt contemplated what to say, how to put his feelings into words that weren't too much or too little. "Okay, I'm going to be honest with you." Kurt untangled Blaine's arms and took his hand back in his own. He stroked his thumb across Blaine's knuckles while gathering courage to continue.
"I'm very attracted to you, both your outside and what's inside, but I'm scared, too. If we start something, I need to know that you won't hurt me again or ignore me when we're around people. I also need you to know I can't pretend I don't expect things. It wouldn't be just to get off every now and then, I want more than that. Maybe I'm asking for more than you can give. Maybe it's too soon to talk about more when we've just met..."
Kurt felt like he was asking for too much, that he couldn't ask these things from Blaine so soon. He worried that Blaine would think he was too intense and coming on too strong, but he needed to be real with what he felt because he hadn't before when he agreed to Blaine's conditions despite wanting more than Blaine could offer.
Kurt could tell Blaine took in his words before he answered, and when he did answer, his words felt wise and mature.
"I want to promise that I won't hurt you, but I don't think anyone can promise never to hurt someone else. We don't know what will happen down the line…," Blaine paused for a few seconds and looked into Kurt's eyes. "All I can promise you is that I won't hurt you intentionally, and that I won't ignore you in front of my friends. Because I do want to give us a chance."
Kurt offered Blaine a smile. This was what he needed from Blaine - him being real. There was always a chance of heartache in any relationship, but if both were willing to try, then that was all anyone could ask for, right?
"I'm going to be honest with you, too, Kurt. I've fallen for you. Completely and helplessly. If I could stop it, I would because this is going to be complicated. My life is complicated, and I don't know how this will work. I've never had a boyfriend before, or a girlfriend, never wanted one, but with you… I can't even explain it." Blaine paused and moved closer to Kurt.
"All I know is that I like how I feel when I'm with you, and I want to keep feeling that way. But you should know that I'm bound to screw up. More than once. Probably more than once a week, but I can't walk away from how I feel about you without trying. I understand if I make you wary and if you question if this is worth it, but if you give me a chance, I will be the best boyfriend I can." Blaine took another moment to breathe and to let his words sink in with Kurt. "I know I'm not the ideal catch, but if you'll have me, I'm yours, blue-eyes."
Kurt looked Blaine in the eyes, eyes that shone like dark amber in the moonlight, and leaned in a little bit. "You are worth it."
He pressed his lips against Blaine's, in a kiss so sweet and soft it felt like a warm summer day. Blaine had opened his heart to him, and Kurt was moved. He believed Blaine's feelings for him were as real as his feelings for Blaine, and he was happy and in love and it was the best feeling in the world.
Blaine pressed his mouth harder on Kurt's, his tongue pushing between Kurt's lips to tangle with Kurt's. Everything in Kurt tingled and the flutter in his belly was so palpable Kurt could swear there were actual butterflies in there. He could taste the faint aroma of whiskey on Blaine's tongue and the image of Blaine downing two shots flitted through his mind but disappeared just as quickly when Blaine sucked on his bottom lip and made everything else seem unimportant.
"Is this really happening?" Blaine asked when they pulled apart to breathe.
"You were the one that said boyfriend," Kurt said out of breath and a little dizzy.
"I don't know what that word means to you, I don't even know what it means to me, but yeah." Blaine smiled as if the truth of the situation just hit him. "I just want to be with you."
"I'm yours, baby," Kurt said, grinning happily.
"You're mine…" Blaine said as if he tasted the words to see how they felt on his tongue.
They kissed again, on the bench under the moon, with the sound of the ocean gently rocking against the shore, and with no one else around. They would have to keep their relationship a secret, but it didn't bother Kurt. As long as he had Blaine, and as long as they kept being honest with each other, he would be perfectly fine.
Blaine moved his hand to cup Kurt's cheek, deepening the kiss, and Kurt inhaled sharply. The kiss made his toes curl, and he closed his eyes to let it consume him for a little bit.
The kiss almost ended more than once but every time one of them chased after the other, not able to get enough of the intimate moment. This was a kiss between two people who could have easily given up and moved on more than once, but who couldn't walk away from how they felt without trying one more time.
Once they finally broke apart, Blaine leaned his forehead against Kurt's and breathed heavily. A smile spread across Kurt's lips, he couldn't help himself. Blaine had certainly come a long way since their first kiss. Now he kissed like a dream and Kurt simply couldn't get enough.
Kurt told Blaine his thoughts and Blaine let out a sweet laugh and said he'd had an excellent teacher. He then laid down, his head resting in Kurt's lap and his eyes gazing up at Kurt's. Kurt couldn't resist running his hand through Blaine's hair, twisting his curls around his fingers. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, the two of them being there together.
"How did you know I was gay?" Kurt asked. "That first night at the diner?" It wasn't something he had thought about before, but maybe it was thinking about their first kiss that brought out the question.
"I didn't," Blaine smiled. He looked happy, happier and more at peace than Kurt had seen him before. It made Kurt euphoric somehow.
"You just took a shot?"
"I liked what I saw and thought I had nothing to lose. Figured the worst that could happen was a brusque no or a slap to the face. I actually didn't think you'd go with me."
"I remember thinking you were sexy and innocently beautiful at the same time. It was a moment I couldn't let slip me by."
"You think I'm sexy?" Blaine smirked.
"And innocently beautiful," Kurt corrected him playfully. "But yes, I think you are very sexy. The motorcycle is a plus, too. The combination is kind of unbeatable. I can't wait for you to take me on another ride."
"You only want me for my wheels then," Blaine said with feigned disappointment.
"Ah, you figured me out."
The playful tone between them was easy and Kurt loved that they could be that. He leaned down and placed a light kiss on Blaine's lips. Sitting back up again he laid his hand on Blaine's chest and through the thin fabric of Blaine's black t-shirt he could feel the beat of his heart.
Kurt was happy. All the worry and the stress and the not knowing what was happening in these past weeks were gone. They were finally on the same page, finally open and honest and real with what they wanted, and Kurt felt immensely lighter. He knew this was the right thing, taking a chance with Blaine, and he was so glad he decided to drive here tonight and hear Blaine out. Happiness was bubbling inside him and he couldn't stop smiling.
"I need to get you a helmet," Blaine said as he placed his hand on top of Kurt's, lacing their fingers together.
"No, I need to get myself a helmet." Kurt almost added that Blaine didn't need to worry about it with the rough financial situation he was in after his parents death but stopped himself at the last second. It would have been insensitive and with the money Kurt had found in Blaine's cabinet it might not even be true.
He should ask about the money, because he didn't understand why Blaine had them, but he didn't want to bring it up right then. He was done with serious conversations for tonight, he just wanted to stay in his happy bubble together with Blaine. He would figure out a way to ask Blaine about them at a later point, who knew they might not even be Blaine's. Maybe he was just keeping them safe for one of his friends?
"I can go shopping with you though," Blaine smiled, oblivious of Kurt's thoughts.
"Are you planning a date for us?" Kurt smiled.
"It's only shopping, don't get ahead of yourself. Do you have any plans after you get off work tomorrow?"
Kurt shook his head. "But I don't get off until ten." He wasn't deterred by Blaine not wanting to call it a date. Blaine had wanted to take things slow, Kurt assumed that was still the case. He could live with that. As long as Blaine called himself Kurt's boyfriend, Kurt didn't need to label anything else.
"I know a place that doesn't close until midnight."
"You know a place…" Kurt said incredulously but couldn't stop smiling. "Of course you do. Okay, let's go shopping tomorrow."
"I'll wait for you in the parking lot."
Kurt leaned down and kissed Blaine again, and through Blaine's shirt he could feel Blaine's heartbeat pick up. It made him smile into the kiss.
"Is it corny of me to be stupidly excited about this?" Kurt asked.
"Nope, but it's very cute. Just like you."
Kurt blushed a little at that. He'd never been called cute before. He'd been called ugly more times than he cared to remember. He'd been called classy and handsome and even sexy by one guy (but that was just right before Kurt brought him over the edge and Kurt didn't really think the guy had meant it). But none of those times carried the same meaning as Blaine telling him he was cute.
"Can we stay in this moment forever?" Kurt said, twisting another lock of Blaine's hair around his finger. "I'm just so happy here with you."
"I like that thought," Blaine beamed back. "No work, no friends, no outside world, just you and me."
"About your friends," Kurt said and the moment he said it he felt Blaine stiffen a little in his lap. "You don't have to rush telling them, not on my behalf. I know you said you'd find a way, but don't worry about it yet. Let's see where this leads us before we bring anyone else in."
"Are you sure?" Blaine asked, relaxing again. "I know I'm asking a lot of you."
"You're not, Blaine, really. I just want to spend time with you and get to know you. Everything else is kind of unimportant."
"I don't know if I deserve you."
"Hey, none of that, Blaine. I know you want to take it slow. I know what I'm getting myself into and I'm okay with that."
"Are you sure," Blaine said and sat up, their hands separating in the process. "You said you had expectations."
"All I expect from you is that you are honest with me and that you tell me if something bothers you or doesn't feel right." Kurt wanted Blaine back in his lap, back to smiling and being relaxed. Now Blaine had created a distance between them, and Kurt didn't like it. He moved closer to Blaine on the bench, so their thighs connected. "And you can expect the same from me. Because I want us to work, too."
Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt's, kissed him so delicately and with all the words he didn't know how to say.
Kurt's heart beat steadily, racing just a little. The swoop in his belly and the want he felt were the things that took over, the things that had him straddling Blaine there on the bench. Kurt was in love, he wanted Blaine, wanted to be close to him. Blaine breathed heavily into the kiss as Kurt pushed his tongue between Blaine's lips and deepened the kiss.
"God, you drive me crazy," Blaine panted as he leaned his forehead to Kurt's.
"That was my plan all along," Kurt said hoarsely and ground his hips down on Blaine's. He was turned on and a little desperate.
"Oh God…," Blaine moaned. "This isn't a good idea, blue-eyes. Not here."
"Why not here?" Kurt rubbed against Blaine again, his want only increasing by the second.
Blaine stilled. "I can't believe I'm saying this." He closed his eyes. "I still don't think we should rush this. Besides, you deserve more than a quicky like this."
"No, no, I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I want you here, like this. I don't care if we're on a bench somewhere. I'm the guy who went with you and let you blow me against your bike, remember?"
Blaine groaned but still didn't move and Kurt realized he might have missed the point.
"But taking it slow is still a good idea." Kurt moved off Blaine's lap and sat down next to him again. His body protested. His veins were filled with desire and his nerve endings were on fire, but his mind knew he needed to listen to Blaine and not make the same mistake he did on the boat.
Blaine pressed his fingertips to his closed eyes, hiding his face in his hands. "I've never done this before, been with someone I care about, and I just want to do this right," Blaine explained.
Kurt reached over and removed Blaine's hands. "You are," he reassured. "I'm the one who's too eager."
Blaine looked at him with the softest eyes and something inside Kurt just melted, but then Blaine's phone went off and he had to look away. Blaine fished it up from his pocket, looked at the screen and with a grimace so small Kurt wouldn't have noticed it if he wasn't studying Blaine's face, Blaine pressed ignore and put it away again. Kurt ignored the interruption and focused his attention on Blaine, but when the call was followed by a text and another small frown Kurt had to ask.
"Someone seems eager to get your attention."
"It's just Nick wondering where I went since I'm not at the boat," Blaine said.
"He cares about you, you should be thankful," Kurt said, curious as to why Blaine sounded so annoyed. "You have really good friends."
"It's mostly Nick. I don't know why but he's always checking up on me, making sure I'm okay." Blaine suddenly seemed distant and fidgeted with his phone between his hands. "I guess that's my cue to go back." Blaine stood up. It seemed the text had reminded Blaine that his life stretched beyond the two of them.
"Okay," Kurt said even though he wanted to object. He wasn't ready to part from Blaine so soon and he wasn't ready for Blaine to change into the guy who worried more about what his friends thought than how Kurt felt.
Kurt stood up too. This was what their relationship would be - moments together that could end as soon as reality came knocking on the door. He might as well get used to it. It didn't mean he had to like it or that he didn't wish it wasn't like that. But he accepted it. Besides, this was just the beginning he told himself and put on a smile.
Kurt asked for Blaine's number and then they walked back towards the marina. They held hands and talked but it was still as though Blaine's mind was somewhere else. Kurt had to stop and pull Blaine in for a kiss to have his full attention. Only then did Blaine relax.
When the marina got into sight Blaine let go of Kurt's hand and when they reached the entrance of the marina Blaine created a physical distance between them by walking a few steps to Kurt's right. Kurt wanted to pull Blaine in for another kiss when they stopped beside his car, but he could feel how tense Blaine was. They were too close to the public, the risk that someone might walk by and see them was too high. Kurt swallowed down the feelings of disappointment that threatened to take over. This was okay. They were fine. Just because Blaine couldn't hold his hand didn't mean all the things he'd said to Kurt weren't true.
"I'll wait for you in the parking lot tomorrow, okay?" Blaine said softly. "I can't wait to be alone with you again."
"Me too," Kurt said. "And just so you know, I would really like to kiss you goodbye. I know we can't, but you should know I want to."
Blaine let out a small, frustrated sound.
"It's okay," Kurt said, wishing he could take Blaine's hand and reassure him. "We'll have more time tomorrow. Just you and me and then we can spend all night kissing if you want to."
It was the right thing to say because it made Blaine smile again. "I will hold you to your words, blue-eyes." Kurt smiled too, how could he not? "I guess this is good night." Blaine started to walk away, first backwards but then he turned around and left Kurt standing there watching him as he disappeared down the boardwalk, wishing it was already tomorrow.
-x-x-x-
Notes: Finally they're on the same page, right? Let me know what you think!
