Notes: Another chapter? On the same day? Yes, why not :) This is a short chapter written from Blaine's POV and it begins right where the previous chapter ended so it makes sense to post them together. I felt it was important at this stage to give a glimpse of Blaine's thoughts in all of this, and to perhaps give a little insight into his life.
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Chapter 11 – The Lie
Some things you have no say in, you don't have a choice in the matter, it's just a fact and you can't change it no matter how much you might want to. Life had taught him that. Blaine hadn't chosen the life he was living. He'd had no say when someone decided to get in a car after drinking too much and crash said car into his parents' car. He hadn't chosen an older brother who wanted more than this city could offer and who left him alone to deal with the aftermath of their parents' death. He had no say when the bank took everything they owned and didn't care he was left with nothing. He had no choice when he realized he was gay.
Blaine had no say when his heart decided to belong to Kurt. It was a fact. Something he couldn't change no matter how much he wished he could.
Blaine waited until he heard the engine of Kurt's car and the sound of tires move against asphalt and become distant before he turned around to see that Kurt was really gone.
He hated himself for lying to Kurt, but he had no choice. He looked at his phone and saw the text still there, unread. It wasn't from Nick, but that wasn't the lie he despised himself for. Nick was only a convenient name he used to cover up the truth. To cover up that part of his life he hid from anyone close to him.
The letter 'H', his designation for the person who wanted his attention tonight, stared back at him from his phone like an angry scarlet letter. He hated H, but H was just one of many. H was his ticket out of there. At least in part.
Blaine walked with heavy steps and an even heavier heart back to his boat. Kurt wasn't part of his plan. Kurt was just supposed to be a distraction, someone to take his mind of all the shitty things going on in his life. He wasn't supposed to like Kurt, even less fall in love with him. But Kurt had swept him off his feet with his gentle ways and his earnest affection. Blaine hadn't been prepared and he had let his guard down that night on the beach. He didn't do that anymore. Not until he walked into a diner by chance and found a man who left him without a say in the matter.
Now Kurt wouldn't leave his thoughts even when Blaine tried his hardest. He knew going back to the diner was a mistake, taking Kurt to his boat an even bigger one. And now, becoming Kurt's boyfriend… it wasn't even on the scale. He would regret getting attached when he left, but he needed something bright in his life. Something to chase away the darkness.
Kurt made him feel alive. Blaine hadn't felt alive since his parents died and his descent into darkness started. But he was getting out, he just needed more money before he could set his plan into action. It would take some time still and during that time he would allow himself to feel what it was like to love and be loved for a little while.
Back at the boat Blaine fetched his helmet and the keys to his bike. He looked at his phone again. Thirty minutes had passed since H had called him. Blaine wondered if it was too late to call back, if he'd missed his opportunity. He could have stayed with Kurt, ignored H, but once he saw the H and the text Tonight? on the screen he couldn't ignore it and couldn't stop thinking that Kurt could never find out.
If he would have stayed, Kurt would have noticed something was different and would have questions about it. Blaine didn't know what to answer. He'd have to come up with lies to tell Kurt though for moments when the darkness came wanting his attention again in Kurt's presence. Because some of those times he would choose Kurt even if it meant prolonging his time here.
It hadn't always been like that. Before his parents died Blaine's life had been completely different, it had been bright and happy and filled with laughter, but they left him with an empty hole too big to fill. They left him with darkness and no money and circumstances led him on a road that seemed to hand him easy money. There's no such thing as easy money though Blaine found out soon enough, but he was already in too deep by then. He didn't know another way out but to leave this city and never look back.
Blaine hated himself for what he was doing but needed the money. No one would offer him a job - he, a lonely seventeen-year-old with no experience in anything. This job required no high school diploma or prior experience. But every time he met up with H or one of the others it chewed away at his self-respect and self-esteem, leaving him a little more hollow every time.
He would rebuild his life when he left, get an education, a job, and start his life over the way it was supposed to be lived. He would throw away his phone, leave everything behind, including his friends. Including Kurt. It was the price he'd have to pay for a fresh start. It was the price he was willing to pay. It wouldn't be easy, Blaine didn't expect that, but it was the only way. Or H and the others would haunt him for the rest of his life.
Thinking about his friends and about Kurt, especially about Kurt, made everything in him ache. He tried to be strong, but Kurt made him soft. He'd had another chance to put an end to the thing growing between them tonight, it would have been the wise thing to do, but being with Kurt wasn't a choice Blaine had a say in. Kurt cared enough to come back, cared enough to expect things from him, not many other people in Blaine's life did that. At least not expect good things from him.
Blaine wished it was tomorrow already so he could be with Kurt again. He wanted to hold his hand and kiss him all night like Kurt had promised. Blaine hadn't known kissing someone could make your soul fly until he met Kurt. He didn't want to screw it up, but he knew he was destined to. Taking things slow was a way to protect Kurt, to not let him get too attached or fall too deep. Kurt would thank him for it when he left. Blaine was already in too deep, too attached. Leaving Kurt would be a nightmare, it would break his heart into a million little pieces that would never fit together completely again, but he had no choice. Leaving this place would be a relief.
Blaine pushed the thoughts away. He couldn't be thinking about Kurt now. He'd see Kurt tomorrow, he would give him his whole attention then, but right now he couldn't have Kurt on his mind. Walking towards his bike, Blaine pressed dial on his phone and waited for the line to connect. His self-hatred rose to a new level and he could taste disgust in his mouth. Soon it would be over, he told himself. Soon he would get out of here.
"Hello?" The person on the other end of the line answered.
"Hi, it's Devon," Blaine said.
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Notes: What mess has Blaine gotten himself into? Let me know what you think!
