(Theme Forty-One) Marriage Counseling Part Two

(As Prompted By) Zippy Saboteur

"I don't need counseling," Mai says sternly, stopping walking in front of the door. Zuko pulls on her gently and she does not move. "You all need counseling. They are horrible and mean. You are traumatized. I am the only sane person in this family."

Zuko is not sure how to respond to that. Azula makes a scoffing noise and Ty Lee rolls her eyes. Mai gives them both a smoldering glare. Ty Lee looks away sharply, with birdlike movements, but Azula simply stares back, and Zuko steps between his wife and her two best friends before anything escalates.

"I told them we would go with them, Mai. I keep my promises," Zuko attempts, hoping she will see reason where Azula and Ty Lee will not.

"I have never kept a promise in my life and I don't intend to start now," Mai replies sharply, knowing it is an exaggeration and not caring.

"You should have told me this before we got here," Zuko sighs, trying not to scream in frustration. It was hard enough getting them all across the city to partake in family counseling, and now they stop at the door. "You're acting as maturely as our daughter. How does that make you feel?"

"I'm not moving." Mai crosses her arms and assumes defensive posture. Zuko takes a deep breath to avoid cringing. Ugh.

"I'm not moving either," Azula says brightly and Zuko groans.

"Well, I would say I wasn't moving, but then I'd just look like I was copying the smart girls," Ty Lee whines and Zuko simply does not know where to begin.

"You are all coming inside," Zuko says, wondering when he became a father of four, "and you can leave if you hate it. I was really hoping we could make history by being the first immediate family in the royals not to kill each other. Think of it that way. Making history."

"So, if we hate this therapy thing, we're allowed to kill each other?" Azula cocks an eyebrow, looking intrigued.

"No, Azula," Zuko says in a tone of absolute exasperation.

"That's how I heard it. Let's go inside." And with that she seizes her fiancée by the wrist and walks into the quaint little building.

"I'm hiding behind you when they come for us," Mai says bitterly to Zuko before following them.

Zuko looks, his face contorted with frustration and concern, at them walking away. Well, at least he got them to go inside, for better or for worse.

And so, he follows, in hopes that this will not fail miserably.


The problems arise as soon as they are in the beautiful red building. It is adorned with pink and gold, and kitschy decorations and baubles. The incense is far too fruity for Zuko's tastes, but that is not the problem; the problem is Azula expression as soon as the woman opens her mouth to introduce herself.

"Are you married?" Azula asks the counselor before she can speak, clasping her hands atop of her legs.

"What?" the woman inquires, looking startled. Usually, sessions like these start out silent and uncomfortable, and she has to drag anything out of the clients before any progress can be made. But the royals have all seated themselves and started silently assigning blame to each other.

"Azula, don't harass her," Zuko interjects but she simply shrugs. This was a terrible, terrible idea and he is only just realizing it. Decisions at three in the morning simply should not be legal. At three in the morning he has terrible decision making skills.

"Well, I just want to know if you're some failed matchmaker or a person with a legitimate relationship. I mean, that's a valid question," Azula says, with a faint smile and small shrug. "Let's see─"

"Azula, I will send you to prison if you finish that sentence," Zuko says abruptly and even Mai has a shocked expression. "I will do it. No one will argue."

"I'll escape."

"I will chase you. I will hunt you down." Zuko looks incredibly serious and Ty Lee seizes Azula's hand as if to protect her.

"Some job you did last time. I actually got so bored of hiding that I had to surrender. You never were good at hide and seek. Or tag. Or, well, anything."

Ty Lee interrupts, "I thought you surrendered because you loved me and didn't want me to be a fugitive."

"That too," Azula says, shrugging again. She seems to be enjoying this, making her the only one. Mai simply stares at the window, contemplating escape. "And also the soul crushing boredom."

"Can we leave, Zuko? I've decided I hate it," Mai says softly, before the counselor has even introduced herself.

She is altogether stunned. Even the most tense of families and couples she have dealt with have not simply erupted the moment someone pointed out there was a problem.

There is a brief silence as Azula, Ty Lee and Mai all three look pleadingly at Zuko. He fights the urge he also has to run away as fast as possible and shakes his head. Fixing this family is important to him, and he genuinely intends to do so.

"Ugh," Mai groans, returning to studying the window. "Look, I don't want either of them knowing any of my secrets, because they'll exploit them. They do not need to know anything about our marriage. It will only get me more cruel nicknames."

"That was only one cruel nickname, and I have never told any of your secrets. She just tells me. I have always valued your privacy," Azula purrs and Mai inhales sharply.

"It is Ty Lee. You're right," Mai agrees and Zuko grimaces.

"Okay, Mai, you also told Azula all of my secrets. All of them. That's why I braided lice into your hair," Ty Lee says sweetly and the counselor has officially lost any ability to do her job.

"Did you tell each other my secrets?" Azula whispers, looking afraid to intervene but too curious to help herself. "Did I win our friendship?"

"Friendship is not a competition," Ty Lee declares and Azula recoils slightly. "You can't win at friendship. That's why we have no friends!"

"That's not true. We have Mai... and Zuko... that's two friends. Some people have no friends," Azula says cheerily and Ty Lee's eyes flicker in a fashion that makes Zuko slide back on his chair slightly. He no longer wants to be associated with this three in the morning decision.

"Mai and Zuko are not my friends! Well ─ they are, sorry, Mai and Zuko ─ but I had all kinds of friends that weren't my immediate family."

"If they were such great friends, they'd still be friends with you regardless of who you were marrying," Azula says coolly, tilting up a single palm.

That is it for Ty Lee.

"They're still my friends! I just have to meet them in secret like they're some kind of drug dealers because they all are too scared to be around you!"

"I am very nice to people who you like," Azula protests.

"You are very nice only when you want something," Ty Lee says, her eyes narrowed on Azula like a target. But Azula does not squirm like Mai and Zuko are.

"That's not true. I'm usually far crueler when I want something," Azula answers in a sing song tone that has Mai certainly Ty Lee is going to harm her.

"Don't call me a liar!" Ty Lee screams and the counselor is unsure if she has lost already or has her work cut out for her.

"I didn't. I just said that you say lots of things that aren't true," Azula replies with a small, self-satisfied smirk.

"I'm going to strangle her." Pause. "I'm sorry, Azula."

"It's alright. I know you only said it because you knew it would hurt me most."

Silence. "Look, we did therapy, can we leave now?" Ty Lee asks, batting her eyelashes at Zuko.

"No, because you said you're not friends with me," Mai says, peeling her eyes from the window. "We're going to stay for this whole session now."

Azula scoffs and snarls, "Oh that's petty and immature. Zuko was right about you behaving an awful lot like your toddler."

"My toddler behaves an awful lot like you," Mai snaps and Azula shrugs. "Two days ago, I brought her breakfast in bed to be nice to her and she hesitated for a moment and asked me what I was trying to get out of her. Then I told her she wasn't allowed to play with you anymore and she cried hysterically and said she loved you more than me."

"That's so sweet of her," Azula croons as the counselor opens her mouth and quickly closes it.

But Zuko should have known that getting them in an isolated room and saying there was a problem in their relationships would make them defensive. He is only grateful that Azula has yet to make their therapist cry or quit her job, which is, incidentally, why he stopped taking her to therapists.

"Does she..." occurs to Zuko as Ty Lee is screeching something at Mai, "does Izumi go to Azula if we die, Mai?"

"I don't think so. Do we have a will?" Mai replies and the shift in tension leaves Azula and Ty Lee and moves to Zuko and Mai in a flash.

Silence. "I didn't... finish it."

"You didn't finish our will? So help me, your mother will try to steal our baby." Mai's voice has gotten very quiet, which Zuko, Azula and Ty Lee know means she is incredibly angry.

"Well, if I were to write it, I would likely send her to my mother," Zuko says and Azula cringes at how he just fucked himself.

"Zuko, she hates your mother. She thinks your mother hates her and comes home crying when she visits her. How could you not notice this? Ugh. Your issues with your mother are so disturbing. All of your problems are because of her." Mai is only getting quieter, and quieter, and her nose redder, and redder.

Azula interjects, "That's what I've been saying for years but nobody listens."

"Did you tell Izumi mother hates her?" Zuko snaps, now seeming more livid than the three women.

"Why would I do that? When people ask about my mother I tell them she died in childbirth because that's what I like to pretend," Azula says, smirking. Zuko clenches his fists and tries to keep from burning something to ashes. "That's my ideal world. Without our mother, my life would be blissful. She even admits it."

"She is pretty terrible to Izumi," Mai murmurs and Zuko gives her a heart wrenching stare of utter betrayal. "Izumi says she loves her other kids better. But she also does try. She's just not very good at it."

"You know, this brings me to my point," Ty Lee declares loudly, in a tone that succeeds at making everyone pay attention to her. "Azula, I want to have children with you and have a real life and if we can't even make it through a day without coming close to murdering each other... I just don't know."

The feeling of the cramped room shifts entirely. Mai is intrigued by what Azula's response to that could be, Zuko is simply glad the heat is no longer on him, and the counselor is startled that this family is making more progress on their own than they would be if she was coaching them through it.

"There are reasons why we want to marry each other, evidently," Azula says, trying to maintain a distance from the impact of Ty Lee's declaration, but her chilly tone is warmed over. Ty Lee has struck a nerve that has nothing to do with trying to hurt Azula in their fights.

"I really love you. It's completely ridiculous and crazy and probably just a really bad idea, but I really love you," Ty Lee says, making everyone but she and Azula beyond uncomfortable.

"I'm well aware," Azula says and Mai scoffs at her. "Alright, the feeling is mutual. And we probably ─ and know that I am serious about this ─ think we should try to work through these little flaws before we sign each other over for life."

"That's all I want," Ty Lee says, nearly swooning.

The absurdity and instability of Ty Lee and Azula never ceases to amaze Fire Lord Zuko.

Their lips touch. The counselor cocks an eyebrow in confusion and Mai turns to Zuko.

"I am never forgiving you for this. And so help me, you're writing our will."

"I don't get a warm, fuzzy, happy ending?"

"People who force other people into marriage counseling don't get happy endings," Mai says dryly.

Zuko tries to kiss her and she turns away, making his teeth graze her cheek.

Close enough.


"We will be so good now, Zuko," Ty Lee says shrilly as soon as they get back to the palace, clinging to Azula's waist. Azula nods in assent, forcing a smile with her entire mouth, not just half of it. Zuko does not know if he should be happy or disconcerted.

"Please don't make us go back," Mai sighs and Zuko feels a twinge of guilt. "I don't think that poor woman will let us back. But don't try."

"I think you made some, er, progress," Zuko says before excusing himself from the room as quickly as possible.

Azula and Ty Lee are left alone, Ty Lee still clinging to Azula.

"I hate shrinks. I've had so many. More than any human needs," Azula purrs, studying Ty Lee for a moment. "Do you really want children with me?"

"I want a lot of things with you, Azula. If I wasn't serious, I wouldn't do something this reckless and totally ridiculous. Leaving the life I carefully built, abandoning all I hold dear, marrying the least stable person who ever lived, joining the craziest, most horrible family in history..." Ty Lee lists, trailing off to stare at Azula's lips.

"I still think I'm an incredible catch," Azula purrs, and she kisses her fiancée before Ty Lee can protest or list reasons why she is the one making the sacrifice.

"You have your moments," Ty Lee whispers, kissing Azula again. "That was a horrible experience. But we lived through it together, and I think we're stronger as a family now."

"Ugh. Stop being so positive." They think for a moment that they are going to break out into yet another screaming match, but they wind up doing quite the opposite.

Quite the opposite.