Notes: If you remember the warning I put out at the beginning of this story (mention of rape), this is the chapter where it happens. Like I said, it's not described in any greater details, but it's there... It's a long chapter with lots of talking and you will learn all the details to Blaine's secret life. Prepare yourself for an emotional roller coaster ride, and perhaps a tissue...
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Chapter 17 - The Truth
In the week that followed Kurt's confrontation with Blaine he did his best to put Blaine out of his mind. He knew, with time, he'd get over Blaine. He knew it wouldn't always hurt to think about him and maybe he would even forget this short chapter in his life and only vaguely remember Blaine when he heard someone mention the name Blaine on TV or the radio. He wasn't there yet, their time together and the image of Blaine with that man in the car were still too fresh, but he would get there, and he might as well pretend he already was.
To keep his mind 'Blaine-free', Kurt had to fill his time with activities. He couldn't write on his novel. He had written so much of Blaine into that story it was simply impossible to write anything now. Instead, he reached out to people he knew in the city. He spent a night in the town playing pool with a few friends of friends. He was invited to a girl's night at one of Santana's friends and spent the night drinking wine and doing makeovers. Boys were a forbidden topic, which suited Kurt perfectly.
Kurt spent more time on the phone than he had the past six months, catching up with friends from back home. He learnt all about Tina's plans for her move to Providence to study at Brown. Rachel told him all about her travels around the world with her boyfriend. Well, now ex-boyfriend as they had broken up somewhere between France and Italy. She'd found new friends to travel with and her around the world trip had not been spoiled. Now she was preparing to move down to Florida to join him as they had originally planned. Kurt wasn't sure how he felt about that, he was both happy and not. The past year he had grown without her and though it would be nice to have a familiar face around, he also liked being on his own.
Mercedes was the one Kurt missed the most. Even if they had grown apart some that final year of High school, she was the most sensible of his friends. She'd spent the year in LA but was now back in Lima over the summer and worked at a record label in Columbus. She missed him too, being in LA on her own was tough but she'd made friends and a boyfriend. Quinn was a model student at Yale, at least on the surface. She told him about all the crazy things that went down behind the scenes at her sorority. Things that made Kurt blush.
Kurt didn't tell them about Blaine. It still hurt too much just thinking about him, Kurt couldn't imagine what talking about him would do. So he said nothing, at least not now. One day when his heart wasn't so broken, he'd tell them. They didn't ask either, only Mercedes came with a gentle question about boys and then he told her the truth - that he had no boyfriend.
Kurt did what he could to push Blaine out of his head, but somewhere he failed. Maybe he spent so much time actively not thinking about Blaine that unconsciously he thought a great deal about him, because slowly, without Kurt realizing it at first, something changed within him. Yes, he was still angry and he was still hurt, but with time he would be okay. He had his friends, his dad and Carole, people who loved him and cared about him. Blaine had no one.
Sure, Blaine had his friends too, but they didn't even know he was gay. Nick knew, of course, he knew all of it, but he was too afraid of Blaine closing himself off again to do or say anything. Kurt was the only one who could talk to Blaine, the only one who could help him. What Blaine was doing was both illegal and dangerous. He could get hurt, seriously hurt. Blaine needed these men's money (or he thought he did) and that put the men in a power position where they could do just about anything to him.
What kind of person was Kurt if he just stood by and did nothing? If he didn't try to help? He wasn't sure Blaine would listen to him, but he had to try. No one else would and everyone deserved to have at least one person in their life who tried for them. And even if Kurt didn't feel like being that person after what Blaine had done, he reached out.
Blaine didn't answer any of Kurt's calls or texts. It worried Kurt. Even if he tried to be rational and tell himself that Blaine was just avoiding him because of what Kurt now knew about him, Kurt couldn't get the notion out of his head that something had happened to Blaine. Like an accident - the way Blaine had driven off in that rain was too fast and careless, and something might have happened. Or maybe one of the men Blaine met had hurt him in some way. Or something equally bad or worse. Once those thoughts were in his head, Kurt couldn't stop thinking about it.
The mixed emotions he had for Blaine - the broken heart and the anger, combined with the worry and the fear that something had happened to Blaine – kept him awake at night. At work he was tired and unfocused, and soon his days just seemed blurry.
When he still hadn't gotten a reply from Blaine in over a week despite numerous texts and calls, he called in sick at work and got in his car. He simply couldn't sit around and do nothing. Instead he did the only thing he could do - he drove to the marina. It was a Tuesday afternoon and Kurt had no idea what Blaine did during the days or if he'd be at home, but he had to try. Someone had to try for Blaine.
Kurt's heart was beating out of his chest when he walked down the boat slip that led to Blaine's boat. He was worried and wanted to make sure Blaine was okay, but at the same time he was nervous about seeing Blaine again. He wasn't sure how he'd react, if he still felt things for Blaine or if the jitter was just not knowing how Blaine was doing.
Blaine wasn't home. The boat was empty, and Kurt was completely at a loss of what to do. A dread, worse than he had felt before, rose within him. If Blaine wasn't at home and he didn't answer his phone… something could have happened to him. But how could he find out what? The only person he knew who knew Blaine was Nick, but after their night together Kurt wasn't keen on calling him. But maybe he had to, despite the awkwardness?
He sat down on the slip next to Blaine's boat while gathering courage to call Nick. It shouldn't be such a big deal, it was for Blaine's sake. If Blaine had been in an accident of some kind, he wouldn't forgive himself for not reaching out just because it was a bit awkward for himself.
Kurt picked out his phone from his pocket when he suddenly heard a surprised voice behind him.
"Kurt?"
Kurt quickly turned his head in the direction of the voice and there he was. Blaine. Kurt looked him up and down. There were no visual bruises or cuts and all of his limbs seemed intact. Relief washed over Kurt. Blaine was okay, at least he didn't look injured. Kurt stood up and threw himself in Blaine's arms.
"You're okay," he whispered.
Blaine awkwardly hugged him back. "Yes, why wouldn't I be?"
That's when anger took over and Kurt pushed Blaine away. "Why haven't you answered any of my calls or texts?!" he yelled out.
Blaine looked taken aback and a little confused at Kurt's sudden outburst. "I've been sick the past few days. I kind of caught a bad cold from driving around in the rain for hours after…" Blaine mumbled. "After we last met. I haven't had the energy to get out of bed until today."
"You could have answered one of my texts!"
"I was going to, I just had to get some food first, I haven't eaten in days," Blaine said and Kurt only then noticed the McDonalds takeaway bag in Blaine's hand. Blaine looked at him curiously, tilting his head slightly to the side. "Why are you here?"
"I was worried something had happened to you!"
"I didn't think you cared. I thought I disgusted you." Blaine's words were hard, and Kurt found them unfair. He was there after all, wanting to help. But he took a deep breath, telling himself that yelling wouldn't get Blaine to listen to him.
"I care enough to worry about you when you disappear like that," Kurt said, looking at Blaine with calm eyes. "Can we talk?"
"Is that necessary? Nothing you have to say will change anything between us, right?"
"Please, Blaine. I called in sick and drove all the way out here to make sure you were okay."
"Can I at least eat first? I'm starving."
Kurt nodded an affirmative yes, and Blaine invited him to board his boat.
It was a nice day in early August. A few clouds dotted the blue sky and the sun warmed Kurt's skin in just the right way. Some of his worry had disappeared when he realized Blaine was okay, but some was still there as there was still so much he needed to say and he knew it wasn't going to be easy.
They sat down outside by the seating area at the stern of the boat. The table was small and wooden and the chairs were hard and slightly uncomfortable. Blaine placed the McDonalds bag on the table and dug into his food. Both were quiet as Blaine voraciously ate his hamburger and fries.
"You have to stop," Kurt said when he couldn't stand the silence any longer.
"Huh?" Blaine said and looked up at Kurt. "I know I shouldn't bolt my food, but I'm starving, and I only have a few fries left anyway."
"You have to stop doing what you're doing with these men," Kurt clarified when Blaine didn't understand what he meant.
Blaine stopped eating and watched Kurt through narrow eyes. "If you came here to lecture me, you can leave again."
"Don't you know that what you are doing is dangerous? You can get into trouble or you could get hurt! There are STDs and… and… don't you have more respect for your own body?"
"I'm not naive, Kurt," Blaine said as if Kurt was the naive one. "I didn't start doing this yesterday, I know exactly the risks I'm taking. I've had a few mishaps, but I've learnt my lessons and make sure those mistakes are not repeated."
"Mishaps? What kind of mishaps?" Kurt's voice came out horrified even if he tried not to sound like an overprotective mother.
"Kurt. Please." Blaine talked to him in a superior voice that seemed to say I'm not gonna sit here and tell you the shitty things I've been through.
Kurt took a breath and looked out over the Marina. It was buzzing with activity on this fine summer's day, and it was calming somehow. Kurt realized he needed to change how he approached Blaine. Lecturing him wouldn't get Blaine to listen.
"How did this all start?" Kurt asked in his most non-judging voice.
Blaine was quiet for a long time and his eyes were focused on something far in the distance. Kurt was beginning to believe Blaine wouldn't answer him at all when Blaine suddenly started telling him.
"It was just after my parents had died. I was living here on this boat, trying to process what had happened. I was alone and lost with no clue what to do with my life or how to live it without them in it." Blaine looked down at his almost empty food containers and Kurt couldn't take his eyes off Blaine.
"Then one day the harbormaster came by and demanded my rent, said I was two months behind on my payments. Paying rent wasn't something I'd thought about in my sorrow, but I knew I had to because this boat was my home. I told him I had no money but that I would find a job and if he could give me another month, I would get him his money. He grumbled something about not being a lending institution, that if he let me wait with my rent soon others would start asking the same favor and he wouldn't collect rent from anybody. He said he'd already looked through his fingers for two months because of what happened to my parents and he couldn't keep doing that. But in the end, he agreed anyway because I promised him he would get his money.
"I started looking for a job, applied for anything I could find, but no one, absolutely no one wanted to hire me. I couldn't even get a job as a cashier working night shifts at the gas station. When one month had passed the harbormaster came back. It was like he knew I wouldn't have the money because he didn't argue with me, just said there were other ways I could pay my rent. When I asked how, he said…" Blaine stopped to take a deep breath before he continued. "He said that if I blew him, he could consider that as my rent payment."
Kurt gasped. He didn't mean to but somehow he didn't see this coming. The harbormaster was clearly in a position of power and he had taken advantage of Blaine. Of seventeen year old Blaine.
"I was appalled by the idea of course. Why would I do that? But then he said that either I paid, or he'd go to the authorities and soon my boat would be confiscated. He had legal rights to do that because there was a lease signed. I'd be homeless. I would lose one of the few things I had left from my parents. I figured it wouldn't be so bad. One blow job for one month's rent, I could do that. I had no other option. So I did it. I got down on my knees and I just did it. I threw up after he'd left, feeling so disgusted by myself and what I'd done."
Kurt wanted to say something, but what could he say? The harbormaster was a pedophile and a criminal. Blaine had been a child in the eyes of the law at the time. It made Kurt furiously angry, still he couldn't find the words to say. Blaine, however, kept talking. It was as if he couldn't stop now that he had opened that gate.
"He came back a week later. Wanted another blow job, laughed and said that did I really think one blow was enough for a whole month's rent? So it became a weekly thing and I started going to his office instead. My boat was my home and it felt defiled when he was there."
Kurt suddenly remembered something. "That night when I came here to find you, when I went to Joe's and found your friends, Nick said you'd just left because the harbormaster came looking for you and that he wanted to talk to you about that month's payment. Did you…?"
"Yes," Blaine confirmed, still without looking at Kurt.
"So when you said you'd fallen for me and that you wanted to be my boyfriend you'd just…"
"Yes."
Wow… Kurt couldn't wrap his head around that thought. "How could you…?"
"What do you mean?" Blaine asked.
Kurt couldn't believe Blaine didn't see how sick the situation was. "You… blow him," Kurt could barely get the words out, "and then you kiss me. And in between you drink to forget."
"But it's two different things," Blaine said, still not understanding Kurt's point of view. "What I do with him, that's not me, that's Devon. With you it's me, my heart and my feelings."
Devon? Was Blaine really that naive? "Blaine… it's still you and your heart."
Blaine shook his head vigorously. "No, it's not," he stubbornly refused to agree. "When I'm with them, I shut everything off and just do what I need to do. There is no me or my heart involved."
Blaine seemed so stuck in his own way of thinking and Kurt didn't know how he'd get Blaine to see how twisted it all was. Of course his heart was involved. Even if Blaine had made himself believe he wasn't affected by what he was doing, he was, he just didn't see it.
"How did it go from you entertaining the harbormaster to pay for rent to you meeting up with other men?" Kurt asked instead. He still couldn't take the words in his mouth to say that Blaine blew the harbormaster to pay for rent.
"It's only been for a few months, since the beginning of the year maybe. He had told a friend about me and he was willing to pay me for the same favors. I said no. I didn't want to do that, but right around the same time I had started to hang out with my friends again and he'd seen us together at Joe's. He threatened to tell them if I didn't agree to meet with his friend. I had no choice, they couldn't know, so I met up with his friend. Then one turned into three and then more."
"So the harbormaster is your pimp?" Kurt spat out, his feelings now coming out as anger towards the harbormaster.
Blaine shrugged.
"What the fuck!?" Kurt stood up, ready to go find the harbormaster and punch him or something.
"Sit down," Blaine ordered, looking up at Kurt for the first time. "It won't do any good."
"But he can't do that, it's illegal and-" Kurt had so many different emotions bubbling inside of him, that he couldn't articulate words to say what he wanted.
"I'm twenty-one, Kurt. I'm an adult, I make my own choices. Please, sit down again."
"But this can't be your choice, Blaine," Kurt said and sat down, moving his chair a little bit closer to Blaine. He looked into Blaine's eyes, pleading with his own.
"It's not a choice. I don't have another option," Blaine said calmly.
"Of course you do! There is always another way."
"No there isn't. If I don't do this, I don't have a place to live and I'll lose my friends. I'll have nothing."
You'll have me, Kurt didn't say. He thought it, but he also thought that it wouldn't be enough for Blaine – to have one person, an almost stranger, in his life. Not that he thought Blaine's friends would turn their backs on him, but Blaine certainly believed they would.
It felt like a hopeless situation. Kurt wanted to help, but he didn't know how, and Blaine didn't want any help. How did he help someone who didn't want help? Kurt had never been in a situation like this before. He was too young to know the laws and what Blaine rights were and what he could do. All he knew was that he wanted Blaine to want to stop doing what he was doing, to walk away from it on his own free will. But Blaine didn't see how he could do that.
Kurt decided then to be the person Blaine could always turn to, the one who would always listen without judging, because Blaine wouldn't talk to anyone else about this. Even if it ached in Kurt to look at Blaine, knowing what he knew. Even if he knew his heart would crash when he got home.
"Why did you start using the name Devon?" Kurt asked, wanting to know more even if every piece of information made him hurt a little bit deeper.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore, it's exhausting and I don't understand why you bother with me," Blaine said, sounding so, so tired. "I disgust you and you clearly don't agree with the way I chose to live my life."
It's not your choice! Somebody else chose this for you! Kurt wanted to scream, but he knew it wouldn't do any good, so he went with a different approach.
"Because I care about you," Kurt said and placed his hand on the table in front of them, palm facing upwards. "And I worry you might get into trouble or get hurt if you continue on this path."
"Why do you care?" Blaine asked hesitantly and with the same hesitation put his hand in Kurt's.
"Because, despite everything that has happened, despite how you made me feel, I still have a heart. You've ended up in a terrible mess and what kind of person would I be if I just turned my back on you?" Kurt said and folded his fingertips around the hand in his. "I want to be your friend. Someone you can always turn to and talk to. I know your secret and I'm not running."
Blaine looked down at their joined hands, stared at them, and then back up at Kurt again. His eyes were moist as he squeezed Kurt's hand. "Thank you," he whispered and suddenly Kurt was close to tears as well. Blaine looked away, cleared his throat, and let go of Kurt's hand. "There was an incident," he began. "One man got a little bit too interested in me, found out where I lived and started to show up here almost every day, flashing his money and demanding I perform my services then and there. It scared me, not knowing when he would show up or if he'd want me to do more than I was willing to do. To make a long story short I found out his wife's phone number and threatened to call her and tell her everything. It scared him enough to back off. But after that I started using my middle name to make it harder to find me if someone else tried."
"And it makes it easier for you to detach yourself from what you're doing, by pretending it's Devon and not you," Kurt stated.
Blaine shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know..."
"Just like you're doing now when we're talking about it. You pretend it's not a big deal, that you're just doing what you have to to get by, but inside this must be affecting you."
Blaine said nothing.
"It's okay to put up walls, you kind of have to, I get that, but you don't have to with me. I'm not leaving you."
"Why aren't you? I'm not normal. I'm damaged goods, Kurt. You should run as far away from me as possible."
"It might be easier for you if I did, then you could continue to pretend this isn't destroying you or that this isn't a big deal, but I'm not going to. Everybody deserves to have someone in their corner. Someone who won't give up believing in them."
Blaine was visibly moved by Kurt's words. Even if he didn't say anything and didn't look directly at Kurt, Kurt saw it in his eyes and in his posture. Blaine's eyes were welling up and though he tried to hold it together, a single tear fell down his cheek. Blaine was quick to wipe it away.
"There was one man once who," Blaine said, staring down at his hands that he nervously wrung together in his lap, "wanted more." He stopped, balled his hands into fists and cursed silently to himself. Whatever it was he was about to tell Kurt it was difficult for him and a big knot formed in Kurt's belly. What did this man do to Blaine?
"What happened?" Kurt asked gently.
Blaine cursed silently again, and then he took a deep breath. "What I do for these men's money are blowjobs, nothing else. I don't let them touch me and I don't kiss them. Never let them kiss me."
"You let me kiss you," Kurt said, remembering asking for a kiss in the water that first night they met. "You didn't know me, but you still let me kiss you."
A small smile tugged at the corner of Blaine's lips. "You've always been special, Kurt, I've been trying to tell you that. Remember how I hesitated?" Blaine asked and Kurt nodded. He remembered thinking there could be a million reasons for that hesitation but that he didn't question it because he was dying to kiss Blaine. "Remember what a terrible kisser I was? Because I had never really kissed someone until I met you, not someone I wanted to kiss anyway. Kisses are intimate, they mean something to me. Just like you..."
Kurt felt moved. He felt special. He so desperately wished things in Blaine's life were different because they could have been good together. They could have created something beautiful, the two of them together, and it tore Kurt apart that they couldn't have that. That they couldn't be a normal couple.
"When you say you saw me kissing that man, I didn't," Blaine continued, the smile that just fluttered across his face quickly fading. "He kissed me and I pushed him away and got to business directly. I would never do it in such a public place, but he was new and he scared me. When you do what I do you develop a thick skin and a fierce attitude. I'm in control all the time because I have to be. Most of them are scared, closeted middle aged men who've only had fantasies about someone like me. They're easy to deal with. But some men aren't."
Blaine paused and took another deep breath before he continued. "One man took me to a motel room in the outskirts of the city. He was nice and chatty in the car and I thought that this will be easy, but once the motel door was locked, he changed. I went for his pants, like I always do, but he grabbed my hands and pushed me down on the bed. I tried to kick him off me, but he was too strong. He kissed me and…"
Blaine stopped again, tears falling down his cheeks. Kurt had never felt this helpless, this upset and broken for someone else. He'd never wished he could take someone's pain away as much as he did now. He knew what Blaine was going to say next, but he wished he was wrong. He reached out and put his hands on Blaine's, hands that were trembling, and squeezed them. Held them and comforted as much as he could without overwhelming Blaine.
"I'd never had, you know… penetrative sex before, but he…" Blaine choked up again.
"You don't have to tell me anything more, Blaine. I understand and I'm so-"
"But I want to," Blaine interrupted. "I need to tell someone."
"Then I'm listening," Kurt said even if it tore him apart to listen to Blaine's story. But no matter how difficult it was for Kurt, it must be a hundred times worse for Blaine who had to live through this.
"He forced himself on me. He tied my hands together and flipped me around and I did nothing to stop him. I just let him do it, didn't protest, just lied there and let him do it."
"Oh, Blaine…" Kurt was crying now too. It was just so horrible and unfathomable, and Kurt didn't know what to say to Blaine. So he hugged him, wrapped his arms around Blaine and hoped it was what Blaine needed. Blaine leaned into the embrace and sniffled against Kurt's shoulder. "You have to go to the police."
"And tell them what? That the man whom I accepted money from for sexual favors actually had sex with me?" Blaine said with incredulity.
"But he forced himself on you, he has to pay for his crime."
"Kurt, I don't even know his name. It won't do any good to go to the police now. I just want to forget about it. Please don't make a big deal about it."
Kurt held him a little tighter, not wanting to argue with him right then. He had to help Blaine, but what could he do? Should he let Blaine move in with him? They barely knew each other, wouldn't it be uncomfortable for them both and put a lot of strain between them? They were boyfriends who'd just broken up and Kurt's heart was still healing from that. To have Blaine around every day wasn't going to be easy, but on the other hand he couldn't let him stay here with the harbormaster just a small distance away.
"I have to get out of here, Kurt," Blaine said and sat back and dried his tears. "I can't keep doing this, I hate it. I'm scared every time he wants me to meet someone new, scared of what they'll do or want me to do to them. It's breaking me. But the only way to get away from here is if I have money… It's a fucking vicious circle!"
"Move in with me," Kurt said without hesitation. He hadn't seen Blaine like this. He was either cocky and confident, or sweet and loving. Now there was fear in his voice.
"Thank you, Kurt, that's really kind of you but I can't move in with you."
"Why not? My apartment may not be big, but we'll make it work. You can't stay here, Blaine. Just take your most important things and leave with me right now." Kurt was suddenly eager and with no hesitation.
"No, this is my problem to solve, not yours. Besides, things between you and me aren't exactly uncomplicated," Blaine reminded him. "I don't want to cause you any more problems than I already have."
"You're not safe here, you said so yourself," Kurt said, ignoring the fact that Blaine was right. "As long as the harbormaster knows where to find you, you will never get out of this."
"That's why I need the money to get away. As long as I'm still in this city, he will find me, I know he will. Besides it would still be too close, and I would look over my shoulder every time I went outside. I can't live like that."
"We'll figure out a way. This ends now, Blaine," Kurt said firmly.
"Don't be starry-eyed, blue-eyes."
"I'm not, I'm trying to help."
"Why? Why aren't you freaked out by this? Why haven't you given up on me already? You're supposed to hate me now."
"My dad once told me to not throw myself around like I don't matter, because I do matter. And so do you." Kurt took Blaine's hands in his again to emphasize his words. "We're in each other's lives now and you matter to me regardless of what's happened between us."
Blaine's eyes were moist again when they met Kurt's. "My answer is still no. I really appreciate what you're doing, but it wouldn't be enough." Blaine applied gentle pressure to Kurt's hands and ignored the tears that formed in the corner of his eyes and trickled down his cheeks. Kurt let go of one of Blaine's hands and wiped away the tears with his thumb. Then he placed his hand in Blaine's again. Blaine smiled at him. "And, as I'm already baring myself to you, I still have feelings for you, Kurt. Feelings that definitely won't go away if I move in with you. Feelings that you don't reciprocate. Right?"
It was a question that sought confirmation but also carried hope, hope that was in his eyes as well. Kurt should confirm, he should tell Blaine that because Blaine had lied to him, he was over him, that it had killed all his feelings for Blaine. But that would be a lie. Kurt wished he didn't still feel things for Blaine, it would be easier, but behind the lies and things he was doing was a sweet, sensitive and soulful person. Someone Kurt had fallen for. There was a reason Kurt had come here, beside the fact that he wanted to help Blaine out of this.
The kiss took Kurt by surprise. Even if he was silently looking at Blaine, he didn't see it coming. First he did nothing but Blaine's lips on his stirred something inside him - a memory, a time when everything just felt right - and he kissed Blaine back. He let himself get carried away for a second and was transported back to the bench where Blaine had said he'd fallen for him and they shared a kiss so sweet and soft it overpowered everything else. But the moment Kurt parted his lips and his tongue connected with Blaine's another memory came over him. Blaine, in a car, kissing another man, and suddenly the kiss felt all wrong.
"I can't do this," Kurt said and pulled away from Blaine.
Blaine looked at him, puzzled and pleading, his fingers sliding in between Kurt's. "Yes, you can," he said almost begging.
Kurt shook his head.
Blaine's shoulders sagged and he deflated in front of Kurt. "I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." He looked away and tried to withdraw his hands but Kurt didn't let him.
"Blaine," Kurt said, took a deep breath and waited for Blaine to look at him again. "I still have feelings for you too, but I can't kiss you without seeing you with that man in the car. I can't be with you if you keep meeting up with these men. I can't be with someone who isn't only mine."
"But I love you, Kurt," Blaine said almost desperately. "I only want to be with you. They don't matter to me. I'm not me when I'm with them, you know that."
I love you, Kurt. The words went straight to Kurt's heart, planted a growing seed in there, but it wasn't enough.
"I know you think of it as this is Blaine and that is Devon," Kurt said while his heart was falling apart, "but to me you're the same person. I can't separate you like that. Besides, I know you're leaving as soon as you can, and I don't see how I fit into that plan. I'm really sorry, Blaine, but I have to protect myself first."
"Don't be sorry," Blaine said. "You're right. I know I'm too damaged for you."
"Don't be like that. If things were different…" Kurt started, but didn't finish. There was no use at this point because things weren't different, and they wouldn't change.
Blaine said nothing after that, just stared at their joined hands. Kurt said nothing for a long time either. He'd used all of his arguments and it still wasn't enough to get through to Blaine, but every word spoken hurt inside Kurt. Everything he learnt about Blaine today made him ache. He'd never felt more powerless. He'd tried everything he knew to help Blaine, but it hadn't been enough. It hadn't changed anything. Blaine wasn't going to stop and he was still leaving.
"Where will you go?" Kurt asked after several minutes.
"I don't know," Blaine shrugged. "To LA maybe, to my brother."
"But I thought you said he didn't care about you?"
"Maybe I'll go somewhere else. It's not the where that's important."
Only that you get away from here.
"Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to be my friend, someone I could turn to and talk to?" Blaine asked.
"Of course," Kurt answered.
"Even now, after all this?"
"Yes." He might not be able to be Blaine's boyfriend but he wouldn't abandon him now.
"Thank you."
"But there's something I need to tell you," Kurt said, knowing Blaine might not want to be his friend after he'd told him. But Blaine had been completely honest with him and Kurt couldn't sit there with one gigantic secret and call himself Blaine's friend.
"What is it?" Blaine asked and bit his lower lip, making him look utterly adorable.
Kurt closed his eyes, steeling himself, before looking directly into Blaine's eyes. "I slept with Nick."
"W-what..?" Blaine said confused before the words sank in.
"It was after I'd seen you with that man and I was upset and angry and-"
"What the fuck?!" Blaine tried to pull back his hands from Kurt's, but Kurt held on to them, refusing to let go.
"It didn't mean anything, I was just-"
"Let go of me, Kurt." Blaine said firmly and Kurt did. Blaine stood up and backed away from Kurt. "You slept with Nick?! What? Nick isn't gay! Why did you sleep with..?" Blaine was so confused and upset and Kurt could see the wheels turning in Blaine's head.
Fuck. Kurt had forgotten about the minor detail that Blaine didn't know Nick was gay. He hoped this wouldn't put Nick in a peculiar position.
"He is and he's been flirting with me," Kurt said in his defense, even if it was a weak one, "and he was just there and I was upset and drunk and it just happened. I'm sorry, Blaine, but it meant absolutely nothing and I haven't seen him since."
"It just happened? How the hell did it just happen?!" Blaine was steaming, spitting out the words. "You knew exactly what you were doing!"
"It's kind of the same as you've been doing to me," Kurt defended himself. An eye for an eye. It made them even.
"I never did any of what I did to hurt you, but you! Nick is my friend and you slept with him to get back at me! It's nowhere near the same!"
Kurt's belly twisted. Blaine was right in a way. It was the same and it wasn't. The action was the same but Kurt's reasons were different from Blaine's, Blaine was right about that. Kurt knew Blaine wouldn't like what he had told him, but Kurt hadn't expected him to react so strongly about it.
"How dare you sit there and say you want to be my friend? Get out of here! Get off my boat! Leave! Now!"
"But Blaine, let's talk about-"
"NOW!"
"You're being unreasonable," Kurt tried to reason with him.
"I'm being unreasonable? This is why I don't let people into my life, Kurt. They always find a way to hurt me, it's just a matter of time! You're no different from anyone else." Blaine's face was an untouchable mask of steel, his arms crossed over his chest. "I don't want to see you again. Leave my boat."
Kurt stood up and took a few steps towards Blaine, but Blaine backed away, stretched out his arm and pointed towards the boat slip. Kurt didn't know what else to say. He had hurt Blaine, let him down and nothing he said would change that. Kurt stepped off the boat, hoping that with a little time this would simmer down, and Blaine would find it in his heart to forgive Kurt.
"I'm still here if you need someone to talk to. Just give me a call and I will always make time for you," Kurt said when he was on the slip looking back at Blaine.
Blaine said nothing, his eyes on the ocean and not on Kurt.
-x-x-x-
Notes: Everybody ok?
I don't know why they just keep getting into more problems the more they try to sort things out... Let me know what you think about this chapter!
