Chapter 231: The Trip to Seattle Part 1
I was honestly excited. Besides the one momentary freedom at the diner in Forks, I haven't gone outside of the reservation. Even though I have Alegria's memories for reference, it is totally different from witnessing it in person. I had my purse and my medications in case I start feeling soreness in my casted leg later on. I even brought my Prozac. I was hoping to run into Sue to ask if she suggest that it will be okay for me to wean off from the Prozac. But, I didn't get the chance to ask her because I wasn't sure what to do.
I know it was affecting the imprinting bond between Sam and I..but the more I am getting on my feet, the more it's naturally coming back to us..If I keep taking Prozac, would I be stopping what it should be occurring naturally? I mean…I am bound to life with Sam, so it's not wise to keep stopping the inevitable..It would be selfish of me to keep taking it if I don't have to, but do I want to? It took a lot of convincing from my counselor when I was suffering from severe depression before I came here. the major reason that I was able to finally decide to wean off from it is because I had a good support system.
But, here?
I guess I can call Kim a friend, and I have Sam by my side. I don't want to be codependent, but..maybe I am overthinking this and not being confident again. I was so deep into my thoughts that I got startled when I heard Sam saying, "anything on your mind?"
He was still driving, but he was giving me occasional glance towards me with an concern expression. I laughed nervously said, "there is another part of the dream that I haven't told you about, and I am not sure what to do to be honest."
I told him the last thing that Alegria said before she left. Sam's expression didn't change the whole time that I was explaining it to him. Once I was finished, he remained quiet. I hang my head low. I didn't dare to look at him in the eyes. Honestly, I just felt shame. So much shame. I talked so much about trying to move on with Sam, gathering up courage to start living again, but here I am, wrestling whether to continue to take my depressant or not.
I added to clarify myself, "I..am conflicted not because I want to resist the imprinting pull or to deny you Sam..It's just that..I..I know what it is like to be severely depression and when I finally gain some happiness..It is like when I finally tasted good things in life, it makes me fear the bad things even more because..I don't want to lose it….I finally got this open, vulnerable with you Sam, and I .don't want to lose it because I couldn't handle myself..I..I don't want to overestimate myself then fall into depression again because I was off from the antidepressants. It took..time for me to get used to not being on it and not to depend on it too, so I have an idea how to wean myself off from it from past experiences. But, I also..want to experience..this imprinting bond between us too, Sam. I guess ..to sum up, I don't trust myself that I be able to catch myself if it does happen without hurting you again."
What Sam said next surprised me. He said, "All relationships have their highs and lows. There will be times that..I might accidently hurt you because I am still human despite of what I am and what imprinting entails. There will be times that you might accidently hurt me too, but Ale. It's not like I will abandon you the moment you slip up."
Shit. This is making me cry. There were tears building up in my eyes, and I wiped them away.
He said tenderly, "even though being my mate specifically…there are some responsibilities entailed. However, all I want for you is to just be yourself, and I love you unconditionally. You don't have to work for my love, and I know you love me too..you aren't there yet to say it out loud, so don't feel pressure to reciprocate how I feel towards you to me."
I couldn't trust my next response, so I nodded mutely or else, I might start legit cry. However, he is right. I..am starting to love Sam more and more. Maybe by the end of the day, I would be smitten by him because of who he is not just because of the imprinting. Who knows. Even after ..my suicide attempt and being put on Prozac, there are still some closeness and attraction building between us.
So, I decided to try it for the next couple of days.
I finally lifted my head up and asked, "Sam?"
He responded, "yeah?"
I pulled out my Prozac bottle, and I passed it to Sam. Sam glanced at it curiously, and I asked while looking at him, "would you mind..holding this for me until I absolutely need it? I don't trust myself that I would hold myself back from taking it whenever we hit a minor problem in our relationship."
Sam smiled kindly with warmth and affection in his eyes, "of course."
As he gently took the bottle from my hand and rubbing my hand with his thumb. I really wanted to hug Sam, so I asked shyly, "Can I get closer to you?"
He gave a half smirk and said, "you don't even have to ask."
With one hand still on the wheel, he stretched his other hand towards me. My expression brightened up, and I unbuckle my seatbelt to scoot closer to him. He wrapped his arm around my waist as I wrapped my arm around his back (Well as much as I can since he is pretty huge. My fingers barely reached the other side of his waist.) and I laid my head on his chest. I gave out sigh of contentment and closed my eyes.
I heard a deep rumble in his chest, so I knew he was purring in contentment. I then said, "is there anything that you want to ask me?"
He hummed, "..before you told me everything, the stuff that you told me about you. Which one was you telling me about yourself or Alegria's. I know you didn't lie to me, but I would like to..uh..differentiate?"
I nodded, so I explained which personal information was actually me and which information was hers. I think it gave some relief to Sam to know majority of everything that I have told him about me was me or else it would look like I was setting him up to be with Alegria than me. I also asked him to tell me more about himself since he knows more about me than I knew about him.
It took a while, but he was finally able to tell me his childhood after Joshua left him and his mom. His experiences in school. The things he used to get himself in trouble with the guys (including Jared and Paul) when they were small. The times that he fell asleep through the Elder's time of telling the legends through bonfires. The times that he got high with the guys back in high school, but then got caught by Old Quil because they forgot to shower before meeting him.
Then, he told me about how it was like being Alpha in the beginning. The awkwardness between Jared and Paul because they grew up together, so their friendship was put to the test for a while. They argued and fought, but with guidance from the elders, they were eventually able to figure out how to still be friends despite Sam being their Alpha.
I was in awe of how real Sam is. I never seen or notice this side of Sam from the series. I actually really don't know Sam like I thought I have, but it was nice to see that there is some depth to Sam. I don't know to explain it, but to know more about Sam in this way, I feel like I am getting to know in ways that others don't. Paul and Jared knew Sam before they all phased, so they knew the pre-Sam. The others, they only know him as their Alpha. Unlike all of them, I am getting to Sam as a person. Not just someone who imprinted on me or the Alpha, but as an individual.
I could tell that it made Sam really happy to see how interested that I am about him. I was at first apprehensive about asking about his past, but he was readily open to tell me. I don't know if it is because of the imprinting, but it seems like he didn't mind it. He is still stiff, but not in a stiff that he is unapproachable. I feel like I could approach him a little easier if that makes him.
We also talked about what we should do once we get to Seattle. I thought about getting lunch, go to Ikea, stores like Fiesta, H-Mart, Daiso, and then to the mall. We could also get dinner at the mall as well. I wanted to go those stores specifically to get some ingredients and condiments that I would definitely not find in the reservation nor in Forks. Sam was down to explore these stores, but I wasn't sure if Seattle had them. When it came to lunch, I suggested we could try get Korean BBQ. Some of them are all you can eat and with Sam's appetite, I thought it would be fitting. Sam was apprehensive to try it out, but he was willing for my sake.
We finally arrived at Seattle. Thankfully, we were able to find a Korean BBQ place in Seattle. Sam put on a black t-shirt and jeans and with shades in case his wolf spirit starts appearing, it won't freak people around us. We got a booth because Sam is too huge to be sitting in of those stools. The Korean waitresses were at first intimidated by Sam, so they mostly talked to me. Sam had no problem with that since he doesn't know what do, but I did. They automatically gave us forks, but I used chopsticks instead. Not to show off or anything, but it didn't feel right to be using a fork in an Asian restaurant even though I know they wouldn't judge us for using a fork instead. I showed the side dishes to Sam. I let him try Kimchi, fish cakes, seaweed, and their salad. He actually liked it. At first, he coughed a little when he tried Kimchi, and I covered my mouth to hold myself back from laughing at him. Sam growled playfully at me, and I assured him to not be self-conscious about it. It took me awhile to get used to Kimchi as well.
Sam was amazed of how at ease as I was with ordering and using chopsticks. He was looking around carefully, and many of the guys, avoided looking at Sam. Even though they are human, maybe they know instinctively to not mess with Sam. It was interesting to see that. The servers were trying to grill the beef for us, but when they saw that I was flipping them with ease. They looked at me surprise with their cute gasp, "omo~"
I laughed along the waitresses, and Sam ate the bulgogi, pork belly, and etc. He was amazed. I showed him to dip them in sesame oil, their other sauces, and he was just devouring them. I ate until I was so stuffed from the meat.
Sam asked, "how do you know about Korean BBQ? You're clearly not Korean. I just can't wrapped my head around this."
I told him that in the future, KPOP, Kdramas, social media like Youtube would open doors for people to get curious about Korean culture. There were times that it got to an extreme like people having yellow fever, toxic Korean Stans, and etc. I assured him that I am not one of those people. I lived close to Chinatown back in Houston, so I was exposed to different Asian cultures. I had Asian friends who showed me Korean BBQ and they were nice enough to show me how to use chopsticks and explain patiently to me what each thing was in Korean BBQ. I told him how America is going to be more of a melting pot as he listened attentively. I explained that as America is becoming more diverse, it is important to be aware of some customs and mannerism from each culture so that we don't misunderstand them nor upset them out of ignorance. Of course, there will be times we might forget and do things in ignorance without malicious intent and by accident, but we need to continue to educate ourselves regardless of if we have friends from different cultures or know 'a lot'.
He was very deep in thought based on the expression on his face. He was frowning slightly, looking at the distance and tapping his finger lightly on the table when the waitresses were kind enough to give us milk teas on the house. They were so intrigued by how open we were eating their food, and they asked us to spread the word of their business. I smiled kindly and nodded.
Sam was still deep in thought when we left the restaurant and started heading to Ikea. I went back to the same position that we were in on the way to Seattle. I just felt comfortable snuggling up in his arms.
I finally asked, "what's on your mind?"
His jaw clenched, and I said quickly, "oh..if you don't want to talk about it. It's okay."
He shook his head lightly with his eyes still fixed on the road. He said, "No, it's not that. It just..I came to a heavy realization of how much we really don't know the outside world.."
I nodded, waiting for him to continue his statement.
He continued, "because…of our history and how we were treated by..the white men, it took a very long time for the tribe to be open with the white men. It wasn't that long ago when there were disputes with people marrying outside of the tribe and being disowned for it. It's not as bad now, but you know there are always those few people who still have the old mentality.."
I replied slowly, "yeah.. what's your concerned?"
He responded, "..we are still kept to ourselves and we welcome outsides now, but with what you explained to me about how much things are going to change..I don't think it will benefit us to continue to be exclusive, but at the same time, many of the youth are forgetting about our history or simply don't care. If I somehow by some miracles get the tribe to be more open, would I be pushing for the future generation to abandon our culture for the multitude of cultures that the people need to be educated on?"
I stayed quiet for awhile because this is a sensitive topic, so I need to tread this carefully.
I said, "..it is human nature to forget certain things about the past, and there are some things that taught in our culture that simply cannot be applied to modern day time. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that we don't take what is good and helpful and adapt them to our environment. We can do that. Adapting to our environment doesn't mean we have to forsake where we came from and what we were taught. We can integrate both cultures, and how it looks for each person is different. It may not look the same for everyone. Our culture will always be part of us no matter how much we deny it, but it's up to us on how we make of it. There is so much we can do to educate people and stress for them to not forget about where they came from, so it is up to them how they make of it. If they aren't interested, then that is on them. It won't be our fault because we did what we can…"
"However, if their children are interested and want to get to know where their parents came from, then we can make it accessible for them to show and to teach them. You can still give them classes on the culture and language of the Quileute, then supplementary classes on the outside world and how to balance what we are taught and what we are exposed to into our day-to-day life. That is probably something you and the council can figure out, Sam."
He was quiet for a long time. Sam still kept on driving until he finally reached Ikea. Once he stopped, I looked up and he was looking down with a weary expression. he caressed my cheek gently. My face was a little flush from his behavior as he put some of curly hair behind my ear.
He said with a small smile, "how is it you know what I needed to hear?"
I shrugged and said with a half-smile, "maybe it is because it's something that I had to deal with. I was raised by a Colombian mom, Salvadorian dad, and a Venezuelan stepfather. I was born in the U.S, so my identity and culture were something I had to wrestle with. Like what does being a Latina means to me? What does being American means to me? How do I integrate both into my life? How do I see myself? It took a long time with therapy and educating myself, but I was able to come into realization that I want to be known as both Latina and American. Just because I don't relate everything in both cultures, it doesn't make me any less of a Latina nor an American. I am who I want to be known as whether people like it or not."
When I said it out loud, my eyes widened in realization. Sam gave me a worried expression as I realized that I have forgotten about this. If it wasn't for me bringing this topic up with Sam, then I would've kept on going with wrestling with what does being an imprint/Alpha's mate and an transmigrator. It also goes along with what Sam said earlier that I just need to be myself. I am who I want to be.
That is what I am going to do. I make those titles my own whether the council or others like it or not.
I felt like another burden was taken off from my shoulders. I feel..at peace. Well, more at peace technically. I said with teary eyes, "I-Its nothing. I just realized something very important about myself and it helped me not to be so stressed about what I need to do…It's like you said..I just need to be myself."
Sam smiled, "Yean…Want to go in?"
I responded excitedly, "Yeah!"
Author's Note:
I am going to end the chapter here. I might add in the second part today or tomorrow. I was on fire on this chapter, and this chapter came very easily to me.
I know..bringing up topics about culture may be sensitive to people, and it might trigger some people. If any of you guys disagree what I say about integrating cultures, then you guys can hold onto those thoughts. I am not here to indoctrinate you or anything. You guys have the freedom to disagree all you want, but all I ask is to be respected as I will try my best to respect you too.
Also, warning. It's just a story. If you need to take your medications, then consult with your counselor/psychiatrist/ doctors. Don't just stop taking them. It might lead to consequences that you don't want to experience, and it might push you back in your recovery. There is no shame with taking medications either. If you need them to stay healthy emotionally and physically, then keep on taking them. Only you and the professionals know what you need. I know there is this..negative light with therapy and taking medications for mental health, but I promise, you won't get that here. If I happen by accident, please let me know kindly and I will fix the story.
How do you guys like how Ale and Sam interacting? It's a bit heavy and fluffy at the same time. I haven't forgotten about the Cullens or Bella, you guys will seem them in few chapters from this one.
Enjoy!
