Chapter 24 - The Confession
It was getting darker, but the sun was still visible just above the Lima skyline, painting the sky pretty in soft pink and peach colors. Kurt was glad he hadn't kissed Blaine. It was too soon, kissing him would have been a mistake. Blaine's tone had been flirty for sure, but that didn't mean he wanted to kiss Kurt. There was a reason why Blaine hadn't wanted him in the end and Kurt didn't know if Blaine had forgiven him for sleeping with Nick. They still had a lot to talk about and it was time to change the subject away from kisses.
"How are you doing?" Kurt asked. "And I don't want the glossed over version you might tell my dad and Carole, or your friends because it's easier that way. I want to know how you're really feeling."
"Why would you think I use a glossed over version with them?" Blaine asked.
Kurt shrugged. "Maybe because you aren't very good at letting people close? Or because you don't like to talk about what happened. At least you didn't before. Now it might be different. We haven't talked in a while."
"No, you still know me well, Kurt. Better than anyone. That hasn't changed." Blaine took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Most days are okay, some are even good, like today. But some are really bad."
"Bad how?"
"Some nights I have nightmares about men following me and forcing me to perform for them. Some days there's guilt and shame for what I did. Some days there's just a lot of self-loathe and disgust when I think about how I lived. Those days I want to lock myself in my room and never come out…" Blaine grimaced and Kurt felt so bad for him. "But thanks to my therapist those days are fewer and longer apart," Blaine continued. "There's a lot to process and I know it will take time before I'm well again, but it's frustrating. I want to be okay now!"
"You will get better, Blaine. But you have to let it take time. It has to be baby steps," Kurt tried to reason.
"I know, that's what she tells me too, but that doesn't mean that's how I want it to be." Blaine balled his hands into fists, digging his fingernails into his palms.
"Thanks for telling me," Kurt said and squeezed one of Blaine's hands to make him relax. "I'm not going to pretend I understand what you're going through, but I want to be there for you. If you'll let me."
Blaine smiled briefly and remained quiet for a beat before he spoke again. "Part of the reason why I couldn't talk to you anymore was because it made me feel worse."
Kurt's stomach clenched. He wondered why he made Blaine feel worse when all he was doing was trying to be a good friend and be there for him.
"Every time we talked, I felt guilty about what I'd done to you. It still makes me sick to my stomach. That I thought it was okay to be your boyfriend and still keep seeing these men. I should never have gotten involved with you in the first place because I knew I couldn't free myself from them, they would always be there. I needed to escape, and I wanted to feel some sense of normalcy, but it was never fair to you and I should never have let it go past that first night."
"I'm glad you came back to see me, or you might still be in that mess," Kurt answered truthfully. "But I'm also glad I got to know you because you are an amazing person, Blaine. I was mad at you for how you weren't honest with me, but I have already forgiven you. You should too."
"It's not that easy. It's tied up with everything else and I'm not there yet where I can forgive myself for any of it. I know, baby steps, but when you don't see the end and all you want is for it to be over, baby steps are frustrating," Blaine said and pulled his coat closer around himself. It was getting colder now that the sun was setting. "How can you just forgive me for that? It's unforgivable."
"Because I know you didn't do it to hurt me. Yes, it was hard to fathom how you could be in my apartment and kiss me goodbye like you wanted to devour me and then just a few hours later you kissed someone else and went down on him when you'd told me you wanted to take it slow with me. It felt like my feelings for you and what I thought you felt for me weren't real. I felt like a fool and that you were only playing me. But I know it's never black or white, and I believe you believed you could separate Blaine from Devon. That the actions Devon did had no impact on what Blaine felt and did. And I believe you felt you had no other choice than to be with these men."
"But that still doesn't make it okay."
"It didn't feel okay at the time, and I thought that hurting you back would make me feel better. Which of course it didn't. But at some point I just realized that some things you just have to accept for what they are and put them behind you, because if you don't they will consume you." Kurt said, and then without beating around the bush he continued. "Have you forgiven me for sleeping with Nick?"
Kurt held his breath waiting for Blaine's answer.
"I don't know…" Blaine started. "I get that it was a direct consequence of my own actions, but I still have a hard time being okay with it. Nick is my friend and…" He paused and contemplated. "I think it would have been easier to forgive if it wasn't someone I knew. You both say it didn't mean anything and that there are no feelings between the two of you, but I still feel betrayed. And at the same time, I don't feel like I'm entitled to that feeling because of what I did to you. It's just a mess of thoughts and feelings in here," Blaine said and touched his head and the part of his chest that hid his heart.
Kurt's heart sank. He had hoped that time would have healed this wound, but these months hadn't and maybe Blaine would never be okay with it. Kurt couldn't falter Blaine, his betrayal was on a different level than Blaine's. More personal. More intentional. Kurt had never regretted a one-night stand more. He didn't know how to make Blaine see beyond what had happened and maybe it didn't even matter. Maybe it was too late. Maybe Blaine had already moved on.
Kurt sat quiet with his own thoughts and looked into the distant. He became aware of how cold it had become and was glad for his gloves, hat and scarf. The hot chocolate had gone cold in his mug, but Kurt still drank it. In the corner of his eyes, he saw that Blaine's hands shivered as he poured himself some more chocolate. Blaine hadn't brought any gloves, or a hat for that matter, and if Kurt was cold Blaine must be freezing.
Kurt untied his scarf and wrapped it around Blaine's neck. "You look cold," he explained as Blaine looked up at him with questioning eyes.
Blaine hugged the mug with his hands to warm them. "Don't you need it yourself?"
"I'll be ok, I have a turtleneck sweater and these," Kurt said and held up his glove covered hands.
"Thank you," Blaine smiled. "This is nice. It's getting chilly."
"Maybe we should return home?" Kurt asked. He didn't feel like they were finished talking, but there was always later and he didn't want Blaine to catch a cold.
"I kind of want to stay and watch the sunset, if that's okay with you?" Blaine said.
"Won't it be difficult to drive down again in the dark?" Kurt was worried about Blaine finding the way in the dark. From what he understood Blaine had only been there once before.
"The bike has a headlight, we'll be fine," Blaine assured him.
"In that case I would like to stay, too." Kurt trusted Blaine. If Blaine wasn't worried about the dark, Kurt wouldn't worry about it either. "You should wrap the blanket around you though, so you don't get any colder," Kurt suggested. He stood up so that Blaine could take the blanket and fold it around himself.
"Let's wrap it around the both of us because I don't want you to get cold either," Blaine said and held out one corner of the blanket to Kurt.
They ended up wrapping the blanket around their legs so that they were still sitting on it as well. The blanket wasn't big, and they ended up huddled close together. Blaine's leg touched Kurt's as did his arm and it felt nice and normal somehow. Like it wasn't a big deal for them to be that close.
"So, it got kind of heavy before," Blaine said. He still trembled slightly from the cold and Kurt hoped he would get warmer soon. "I didn't mean for our little excursion to become that."
"We didn't really resolve everything between us before you left, so I'm glad we got the chance to talk about it now."
Blaine drank from his hot chocolate and while lowering his mug he turned to Kurt. "I will forgive you and Nick one day, but I'm not just there yet."
Kurt nodded. He understood. "For what it's worth, I am sorry. It truly didn't mean anything to me. He was just there, and I was shocked and felt like my heart had been ripped out, and I know that's not an excuse for cheating on someone, but it just kept playing on repeat in my head, the image of you and that man, like a never-ending horror movie." Kurt swallowed down the lump in his throat. "I don't even remember exactly what we did, but I know I woke up regretting it immediately. It was a shit move, and I don't want to blame the alcohol, but it didn't make me think clearer exactly. I didn't talk to Nick for weeks after it happened, not until I couldn't find you."
"I know," Blaine said slowly as if he was still taking in what Kurt was telling him. "I'm sorry, too. We both made mistakes and we both handled what happened in a bad way. But I'm glad we can be friends now, at least I hope we can, because I think I will need you to get through this." Blaine placed his hand on Kurt's. "If that's okay with you?"
"I never wanted out of your life," Kurt said and wished he didn't have his gloves on. "So, when I get back to Florida, I can call you? It won't make you feel worse? Because I don't want that."
"Talking to you today has helped a lot. Knowing that you have forgiven me is huge for me and I've realized that not talking to you is worse than talking to you. If you don't call me, I will call you." Blaine let go of Kurt's hand and nudge his shoulder with his own, and the tension in the situation disappeared.
Kurt smiled and nudged back. He was actually okay with that. He might not be getting back together with Blaine, but they were in each other's lives and they shared an understanding for each other. Kurt felt closer to Blaine than he did to anyone else in that moment and that meant more to him than anything else.
"Okay, let's leave the heavy stuff behind for a while," Blaine said. "How is it down there in Florida? How's college? Any new boyfriend?"
Blaine's questions were casual and innocent, but Kurt couldn't help but to let out a small laughter that sounded more like a snort. As if that last question wasn't a loaded one.
Blaine looked at him with a small crinkle between his eyebrows. "What's so funny?"
"Oh, nothing," Kurt deflected. "Florida is fine, a bit too warm, but I'm getting used to it."
"I miss the sun and the warmth," Blaine said. "Ohio is freakin' cold!"
"You haven't seen cold yet," Kurt laughed. "Just wait until it's January and there's two feet of snow and you have to use a shovel just to get from the house to the car."
"I'm equally terrified and excited!" Blaine's eyes sparkled with enthusiasm and Kurt shook his head slightly at the inner child in Blaine shining through.
"College is good," Kurt continued, "and no new boyfriend."
"Why not? You're an attractive guy, guys must flock around you."
Kurt let out a short, quiet laughter again. "I think you already know the answer to that," he said, hoping he wouldn't have to say the reason out loud. He knew it wouldn't lead to anything. Blaine hadn't forgiven him for Nick, and Kurt telling him how he felt about him wouldn't change that.
Blaine looked like he might understand but couldn't quite believe it to be so.
"How about you? Any boyfriend?" Kurt asked quickly to change the focus from himself, but also because this was the question he'd been wanting to ask for several weeks now.
"No. I need to focus on healing myself before I can even think of being close to someone else."
"What about Alex?" Kurt had to ask.
"What about him?" Blaine looked uncomprehending.
"I thought there might be something between the two of you. You seem close."
"Really?" Blaine seemed surprised that Kurt had come to that conclusion. "Alex is one of the very few people I have gotten to know since I moved here, but there's nothing like that between us. Sure he asked me out once in the beginning, but I'm not in the state to date anyone."
"But if you were, would you want to date him?" Kurt asked. He knew he should stop, be satisfied to know Blaine wasn't dating anyone, but somehow it wasn't enough. He needed to know if there were any feelings there from Blaine's side even if he wasn't acting on them.
"Would it bother you if I did?" Blaine asked.
"It would," Kurt admitted. Even though his heart was beating out of his chest, Kurt knew he wanted to be honest with Blaine. Maybe it was the fact that Blaine wasn't dating Alex. Maybe it was Tina's and Rachel's voices in his head telling him to let Blaine know how he felt. Maybe it was something else or all of the above.
"A lot actually," Kurt continued. "These weeks not talking to you or hearing your voice has been hard for me because…" He paused and took a deep breath. Blaine's eyes were on him, though Kurt couldn't look at Blaine right then. He felt too exposed. "Because I'm still in love with you."
"...you are...?"
Kurt still couldn't look at Blaine, but he moved his head slowly up and down in a nod.
"After everything that happened between us, I was sure you'd moved on," Blaine said contemplatively.
"I tried, but..." Kurt shrugged. He didn't know how to explain it, because everything in him had told him it would be for the best to let go and move on. But his heart had refused. "I don't know if telling you this is the right thing to do," Kurt continued. "You should focus on healing yourself and get better and not think about me, or about guys in general, but I wanted you to know."
Kurt wanted Blaine to know in case there was the slightest chance Blaine still kept some feelings for Kurt, beneath the self-loathe and feelings of betrayal. "I hope this doesn't make things weird between us."
"No, of course not. I just… I can't tell you what you want to hear, Kurt."
"It's okay, I don't expect you to. Like I said, you need to focus on you and nothing else. I just don't want to keep secrets from you."
"I don't understand," Blaine said and looked at Kurt with his head slightly tilted. "After all that went down this summer, all you know about me…"
"And yet, that's how I feel."
"But I'm damaged, Kurt. How can you be in love with someone like me?"
"Just because something isn't perfect, doesn't make it any less worthy of love," Kurt said, hating the way Blaine was putting himself down. "You have so many beautiful sides, Blaine. So many good qualities. The question is how can I not be in love with you? All that was ugly, that was Devon and he's out of the equation now. He's not coming back and what's left is you, Blaine," Kurt said and placed his hand on Blaine's arm.
"You said I couldn't separate him from me, that we are the same person."
"Maybe I was wrong," Kurt said and let his hand fall to his lap again. "I once thought of Devon as crude, cocky and confident and Blaine as heartful, humble and honest, but I would like to add vulnerable, kind, thoughtful, lovable to that list. And sexy. Especially when he's blushing," Kurt added and smiled at Blaine's reddened cheeks. Blaine looked down at his hands, but Kurt could still see the bashful little smile on his lips. "Look, I know we're not getting back together or anything, but you are worthy of being loved so don't question how I can be in love with you."
"I do question your sanity, just a little bit," Blaine said and looked up at Kurt. His smile was warm and in his eyes Kurt found all the reasons why he loved Blaine.
"Come," Blaine said. He stood up and held out his hand to Kurt. Kurt took it and stood up too, wondering what Blaine was up to. Blaine pulled him into a tight hug and whispered 'thank you' close to his ear.
Kurt hugged him back, held on to him without ever wanting to let go. He was glad he'd decided to tell Blaine his feelings. Just because nothing romantic would come from it, it didn't mean nothing would come from it. Kurt felt closer to Blaine than he had in months.
"Look!" Blaine suddenly exclaimed and let go of Kurt. "It's snowing!"
Kurt looked up at the sky and small, soft snowflakes landed on his face. He'd been so absorbed in their talk he hadn't noticed the dark clouds rolling in behind them. Blaine was looking up at the sky, too, his face beaming and he held out his hands to catch the falling snowflakes.
"Let's pack up and drive home before it gets worse," Kurt said. Darkness, snow and winding gravel roads was a combination Kurt didn't want to experience.
"No, let's stay a little longer," Blaine said. "This is so beautiful." He didn't take his eyes from the sky and his smile just grew bigger and bigger.
"You look like you've never seen snow before," Kurt laughed.
"I haven't, not in real life," Blaine said and started to spin around as the snowflakes grew thicker and thicker. Snow dotted his hair and coat white, and he looked like the happiest guy alive.
"Never? Really?" Kurt asked. Growing up with the cold, harsh winters of Ohio, it was unreal to think that people his age had never seen snow before.
"I've lived in Florida my whole life, there's no snow there," Blaine answered. "My parents didn't have the money to take us on vacations."
Blaine kept spinning around, looking like a little kid - a happy kid that had been waiting all summer and fall for the first snow of the season to fall.
Kurt fished out his phone from his pocket, wanting to document the moment. Kurt took photos of Blaine with his face towards the sky with his arms stretched out. Blaine with his tongue out to catch the snowflakes. Blaine smiling from ear to ear as he made his first ever (tiny) snowball. Then he threw it at Kurt, and Kurt could do nothing but laugh. Blaine's genuine happiness was contagious. Kurt put his phone away and collected some snow of his own and threw it back at Blaine. Blaine laughed and wrapped Kurt up in another hug. And in the excitement of it all he kissed Kurt on the cheek, so very close to his lips.
Both Blaine and Kurt froze the moment Blaine's lips left Kurt's skin and Blaine dropped his arms from Kurt's shoulders. It was only a kiss on the cheek in a moment of happiness, it didn't mean anything of course, but that didn't stop Kurt from feeling that kiss all the way down to his toes.
"Ehm…," Blaine mumbled. "You're right, we should probably drive home before it gets worse." He started to collect the mugs and thermos and put them in the backpack, suddenly in a hurry to get out of there.
Kurt understood. He put his hand on Blaine's arm, stopping him mid-action. "I know that was unintentional," he said calmly. "Don't worry about it." Kurt could tell that Blaine was worrying, and Kurt didn't want this innocent kiss, which was, in all honesty, more of a peck than a kiss, to mess up the connection they had rebuilt today. No matter how much he actually wanted to kiss Blaine.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to… it didn't mean… I was just so happy and…"
"I said, don't worry about it. Okay?"
"Okay," Blaine said and relaxed. "But maybe it's still a good idea to go home?"
"I think so, too." Kurt picked up the blanket that was covered in snow, like everything else around them, shook it, folded it, and handed it to Blaine. "Let's go."
Kurt jumped up behind Blaine on the bike. He wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist, leaned his chest against Blaine's back, his chin on Blaine's shoulder and dreamed of a summer's day when everything was new and exciting, and the only thing he knew about Blaine was that he was flirty and alluring and about to take Kurt somewhere for sex.
Things had been easy then, before it got complicated. Before there were real feelings involved and before hearts got broken. But they were healing, and maybe they could heal together now.
