Chapter 25 - The Tree

Kurt lingered in bed on Saturday morning. He'd stayed up late the night before just talking to Blaine, his dad and Carole, and having a genuinely good time. After he and Blaine returned home, Blaine had been a different person than on Thanksgiving Day. Blaine wasn't tense and quiet with them all present, but eagerly and with great enthusiasm told Burt and Carole about his first encounter with snow and how amazingly beautiful it was. Burt and Carole laughed at his passionate descriptions, and Kurt felt all warm inside. Had he ever seen Blaine that happy and excited?

Blaine had driven them slowly and safely down the hill and all the way home, and though Kurt hadn't been scared he had held on as tight as he could. He knew he wouldn't get many chances to be that close to Blaine again during his weekend in Lima. When they arrived home, both him and Blaine were both covered in white, and Blaine had helped Kurt brush the snow off his coat. It was a friendly gesture, but Kurt would be lying if he said that every touch of Blaine's hand on his arm or back didn't send shivers through his body.

Kurt had thought he was in love when he returned home to Lima, but now he knew. His feelings for Blaine were deeper and bigger and revolutionary and he had no idea how Blaine felt about him. Kurt understood that Blaine couldn't date anyone, and he fully supported Blaine in that decision, but if things were different… Was Kurt someone Blaine wanted to date again? Or had his feelings cooled in step with the sinking temperatures of Ohio? Was there a chance somewhere in the future when Blaine was feeling better, or should Kurt kill the hope he was carrying in his heart? Kurt wanted to know but was now even the right time to try to find out?

Those were the thoughts keeping Kurt in bed that Saturday morning. He told himself to just let it be for now and be satisfied with knowing that Blaine knew how Kurt felt. If Blaine was ever ready he'd know where to find Kurt. If he wanted to be with Kurt. Blaine still wasn't over Kurt's mistake with Nick, and he hadn't answered Kurt's question if he wanted to date Alex. But even if those things were resolved in Kurt's favor it could be years until Blaine was fully healed. Should he put his love life on hold until then?

Finding no answers, Kurt decided to get up and face the day. Ponder he could do in Florida but spend time with his family and Blaine he could only do here and now. They were all already up and greeted him good morning when he entered the kitchen. Breakfast was filled with conversations and jokes and laughter. It was like it had always been the four of them there. It was easy and natural, and Blaine fitted right into their family.

After breakfast, when Kurt had told his dad and Carole that he and Blaine would clear the table and take care of the dishes, he asked Blaine if he wanted to go with him when he went to see his friends from High school. Tina had texted him the night before, letting him know they were meeting up for coffee at the Lima Bean and that if he didn't bring Blaine she'd be upset with him. Which was her way of saying 'please bring Blaine, I'm dying to meet him'.

Blaine hesitated with his answer and it was clear something bothered him. "How much do they know about me?"

"They know what happened between us this summer and why you're living here now."

"You told them?" It sounded like Blaine didn't approve of it.

"They're my friends, Blaine. We talk about everything. They're my support system when I need it and when you were gone and didn't want to talk to me, I really needed them."

Blaine deflated in front of him. "Of course…"

"What are you hesitant about?" Kurt asked softly. "That they will judge you from what I've told them?"

"Yes," Blaine admitted.

"They won't," Kurt assured him. "They're not that kind of people. They trust my judgement and if I don't judge you, neither will they. Besides, they're the ones asking to meet you." Kurt placed a reassuring hand on Blaine's arm.

"I just feel like my past will haunt me wherever I go, that no matter how much I try to move on it will be all people think about when they see me."

"Then you should come just to challenge that theory and see that it won't always be that way. I think it will be good for you." Kurt really wanted Blaine to go with him. He wanted Blaine to get to know his friends and get along with them the way that he did with Blaine's friends. But also because his time at home was limited and he didn't want to have to choose between spending time with his friends and spending time with Blaine.

Blaine agreed to go and a few hours later they borrowed Burt's car and drove into Lima center. Rain had turned the snow into slush and riding Blaine's bike didn't seem like a good idea. When they got to Lima Bean, Kurt's friends were already there and he introduced Blaine to Tina, Rachel, Sam, Mike and Artie who had all returned home for Thanksgiving.

His friends were welcoming and chatted away like Blaine had always been a part of their group. Blaine relaxed minute by minute and soon he not only listened to them talk but also joined in in the discussions.

After the Lima Bean they all went over to Artie's house to watch a movie. They usually ended up at Artie's because in his basement Artie had set up a movie room with a projector and a screen together with a killer surround system. And, as always, they paused the movie midway to fill up on snacks and drinks, and to use the restroom if needed.

It was during this break that Tina pulled Kurt aside. "Are you sure you two aren't back together?" she asked.

Kurt had filled her in on the details during their texting session the night before.

"Yes. Why do you ask that?" Kurt wanted to know.

"Because you practically haven't left each other's side the whole day. At Lima Bean you stood in line together and you ordered for him. You sat next to each other on the couch there and now he's sitting between your legs on the floor."

"That's because I'm the only one he knows. Don't be silly, Tina. You know he's not ready to date anyone."

"And you keep glancing at each other all the time," Tina continued as if she hadn't heard what Kurt just said.

"He was nervous to meet you all, he was worried you would judge him because of his past, so I just make eye-contact to make sure he's okay," Kurt explained. He'd been doing that throughout the afternoon and whenever Blaine returned his look with a smile, Kurt relaxed knowing Blaine was having a good time.

"Oh, but Kurt, it's not only you looking at him, he glances at you, too, when you're not looking at him. And just before he used your knee as a pillow, leaning his body against your leg."

Kurt had no explanations for that, but he knew it didn't mean what Tina was insinuating it meant. Blaine was just relaxed and comfortable with Kurt and with the others. If Blaine had been interested in Kurt, he wouldn't show it that openly. Kurt remembered too well how upset Blaine had been when he was outed to his friends and how he wasn't comfortable with openly displaying his affections. So if Blaine was leaning against Kurt, that was a sure sign there were no feelings of that sort present.

"Blaine and I are only friends, no matter what you think, Tina." It hurt a little to come to that conclusion, but he also knew it had been silly of him to hope for more.

"Mmhmm," Tina said and the fact that she didn't believe him was very evident in her tone.

Kurt was just about to tell Tina to stop when she interrupted him. "And here he comes," she said and winked at him.

Kurt looked up and there was Blaine walking towards him. Kurt met his eyes and got a smile in return. Why would his heart not stop fluttering?

-x-x-x-

"Your friends are nice," Blaine said in the car home from Artie. "Sam is funny, Mike is cool and Tina is extremely chatty. I think she asked me like a hundred questions today."

Kurt laughed. "She's also very nosy."

"I think she was just trying to make me feel welcomed."

Kurt knew that wasn't the whole truth, there was no one more nosy than Tina Cohen-Chang, but he'd let Blaine find that out by himself eventually.

"Anyway," Blaine continued. "Thanks for making me go today, I had a really good time."

"I'm glad you decided to come with me, I liked having you there." They never really got to spend time like that the past summer – hanging out with friends and just being together around other people. It was nice and ordinary, and Kurt hoped they'd get a chance to do it again soon.

When they got inside the house, after sprinting across the driveway through the rain, Burt and Carole greeted them with eager faces and bubbly voices.

"You're acting weird," Kurt pointed out. "What are you up to?"

"We have a surprise for you in the living room," Carole said. "Come."

Carole put her hands on Blaine's shoulders and guided him into the living room while Burt did the same with Kurt. There a big, beautiful Fraser fir was placed in the corner where they usually put the Christmas tree. It was tall and big, so tall and big it almost touched the ceiling and one of the armchairs had been moved to the side to make the tree fit.

"Wha… why…?" Kurt mumbled. "It's like two weeks too early to take in the Christmas tree."

"Last year Carole and I had to decorate the tree ourselves because you were still in Florida," Burt said.

"And it didn't feel right," Carole filled in.

"So we wanted to do it with both you and Blaine present this year," Burt continued. "Who cares if it is 'two weeks too early'? Who gets to decide that anyway? We think this is the perfect time to decorate our tree." Burt put his arms around Carole's shoulders.

"What do you think?" Carole asked and beamed at Kurt and Blaine.

"I think it's perfect! I love it!" Kurt exclaimed and clapped his hands. "I was bummed you guys decorated the tree without me last year."

"Come, Blaine. The ornaments are in that box," Carole said and nodded at the big cardboard box beside the tree. Blaine hadn't said anything since they stepped inside the house, but it wasn't until then that Kurt noticed how quiet he'd become. Carole seemed to have noticed though and was now trying to include him in their enthusiasm.

"This seems like a family tradition, maybe I shouldn't-"

"Don't be silly, Blaine. You're a part of our family now," Burt interrupted him. "And as a part of this family it's mandatory to help with the Christmas tree decorations. No escaping and no excuses."

"Okay," Blaine answered as a shy smile spread across his lips. "Thank you."

The cardboard box contained every Christmas tree ornament Kurt and Burt had used since Kurt was a baby. Some his mother had picked out, some were added when Carole moved into their house. Every year they bought one new ornament to hang in the tree and so their collection grew each year. Last year Kurt had bought an ornament in the shape of a palm tree wrapped up in Christmas lights to symbolize his time in Florida. He'd brought it with him when he came home for his Christmas break and it had been the last piece to decorate the tree last Christmas Eve.

This year it was the first ornament Kurt picked up from the box. He gave it to Blaine. As the newest addition to their family it only seemed right he hung the newest ornament, which also represented the place he was from. Blaine looked like he was about to object, but then decided not to and accepted the palm tree ornament from Kurt. He found a branch and hung it there with grace. Kurt looked at the tree and at Blaine. He loved this moment, it was one he looked forward to each year, and this year, this Thanksgiving, he found he had one more thing to be thankful for.

The palm tree was soon followed by more ornaments. Each one had its own meaning and special story and Kurt told as many of them as he could to Blaine. Some stories were filled with laughter, some with tears. Blaine took them all in and laughed and cried together with them. It was a special moment and Kurt was happy to be able to share it with Blaine. He hoped this wouldn't be the only Christmas tree decorating moment he'd get to share with Blaine, but he also didn't know Blaine's plans for the future or how long he planned to stay in Lima.

Once in a while Kurt found himself looking at Blaine while he hung something in the tree. Blaine fitted so perfectly into their family. Burt and Carole already adored him and he them. Why couldn't things be different? It could have been perfect. It could have been the most magical year in Kurt's life. But it wasn't, and Kurt looked away before Blaine could catch him looking.

When the box was empty and the tree was full, it was unanimously decided by Kurt, Burt and Carole that Blaine would be the one to add the new ornament to the collection this year. Blaine tried to protest, of course, saying it was their tradition and he couldn't possibly interfere with it, but it had been decided and the jury wouldn't budge an inch on their decision. Blaine had no choice but to accept.

Later they ate dinner and played games together. Kurt was happy and his heart was filled with love and he didn't want the night to end. Or the weekend. Thinking about going back to Florida tomorrow afternoon put a damper on his mood, so he put that thought out of his mind as much as possible.

Somewhere around midnight they were all tired and decided to call it a night. They took turns in the bathroom and said goodnight to each other. Alone in his room, Kurt felt restless and sleep seemed far off. He wanted more time alone with Blaine before he flew back. Today they'd spent all day in the presence of others, and although it had been a great day, Blaine always seemed most relaxed when it was just the two of them and that was when they connected and spoke openly and honestly. Kurt thought about going to Blaine's room to see if he was still awake but discarded that idea as quickly as it popped up. Blaine was probably already asleep.

Kurt picked up his phone from the nightstand and started to look through the pictures he'd taken of his friends that day. Blaine was in most of them, and he was glad he'd taken them so he could look back and remembered what a good time they'd had, and how easily Blaine had gotten along with his friends.

Kurt thought about what Tina had insinuated and mentally shook his head at her. It was a silly thought and Kurt knew better than to believe in it. Still he couldn't help but wonder if… but no, he wouldn't let his mind wander there. Blaine had clearly said he was focusing on himself and on getting better.

Kurt looked through the pictures again, focusing only on Blaine. He looked carefree and happy in most of them, and in some his smile made him glow and Kurt felt something warm in his chest, something not many other people made him feel, and would it really hurt to go up and see if Blaine was still awake and wanted to talk some more? He was only home for such a short period of time, wouldn't it be stupid not to try to make the most of that time? If Blaine wasn't awake Kurt could simply tiptoe back to his own bedroom and no one would even know he had been there.

Kurt got out of bed, and in his pajamas, he padded across the hallway to Blaine's room. The door to Blaine's room was left ajar and when Kurt carefully leaned forward and peeked inside he saw that the room was empty. That was strange. Why wasn't Blaine in his bed? Had something happened? Kurt listened to sounds from the bathroom, maybe Blaine just needed to use the toilet, but the house was quiet. Today had been good, right? Not only to Kurt, but Blaine seemed to have enjoyed it, too. Or? Kurt didn't want to assume anything bad, but with their history Kurt's brain still started to make up scenarios.

With quiet steps, Kurt declined the stairs to the ground floor of the house. He saw that Blaine's shoes stood in the hallway and his helmet hung in its usual place, which meant he hadn't driven off somewhere. That, at least, was a relief.

The kitchen was dark and empty, but in the living room the Christmas tree lights had been left on and Kurt's eyes lingered on the tree before he saw him. Blaine sat there, on the floor with his knees pulled up and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He, too, was looking at the tree.

Kurt took a blanket from the couch, wrapped it around himself and sat down next to Blaine. "Hi," Kurt said. "What are you doing?"

"Looking at the tree," Blaine answered.

"Can't sleep?"

"No. Too many thoughts running through my mind. What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep either."

Blaine nodded slowly. "The tree looks beautiful."

"It does," Kurt agreed. The tree might not look beautiful to outsiders, some might consider the non-standard ornaments as tacky, but to Kurt and his family the tree was filled with memories. "What thoughts are keeping you up?" Blaine might have attempted to divert Kurt with the tree but Kurt didn't let himself get sidetracked.

"My mom and dad. Decorating the tree reminded me of them and I missed them today," Blaine said with a tear-filled voice. "My life before they died. My friends. You."

"Me?" Kurt asked with curiosity.

"Yes. Mostly you," Blaine said. "I've been thinking about what you told me yesterday, and, Kurt, you need to forget about me. Move on and forget."

"W-what?" Kurt stuttered, confused and surprised. "No. Why do you say that?"

"Spending time with you and your friends and your parents today made me realize how normal and well-functioning your life is. Mine is everything but, and I don't want you to get pulled down any deeper into my mess."

"Normal is boring," Kurt said. Where did this come from? Yesterday Blaine had said he needed Kurt to get through, and now he wanted Kurt to forget about him. It didn't make sense. "I don't want normal."

"Normal is good. Normal is what you should strive for, and that's why I'm telling you to let me go."

"No. I'm not letting you go, Blaine. Never. Remember when I told you that I would always be there for you? I meant that. No matter how dark and messy it gets, I'm not walking away. I'm not forgetting you."

"Please, Kurt," Blaine said, his voice sounding tormented. "Don't argue with me. Please just let me go."

"I don't understand, yesterday you said you needed me and now you're telling me this. What changed between then and now?"

"I don't fit into your life. We can never have that sort of normal relationship. I can't be what you want me to be."

"I get that you don't feel the same way about me that I feel about you, but that doesn't mean that we can't be friends or that I can't look past that. You can't push me away, Blaine. I'm not letting you."

"You're wrong."

"About what?"

Blaine didn't answer.

"About what, Blaine?" Kurt pushed. "Because we can be friends, we are friends. And I don't want you to be anyone but yourse-"

"That I don't feel the same way about you that you do for me!" Blaine cut him off. Then he shut his eyes hard. "Fuck..." Blaine said between his teeth."I shouldn't have told you that."

"You do?" Kurt asked unbelievingly. "But what about Alex? And Nick?"

"What about them?" Blaine said, confused and a little irritated. He shook his head. "Forget I said anything, it doesn't change anything."

Kurt sat quiet, taking in what Blaine had just told him to forget. "You're right, it doesn't change anything. I'm still not letting you go."

"Kurt, don't you understand? I'm broken and you can't fix me. I can't be with you."

"Maybe not now, but you are going to get better, Blaine. You just need more time."

"No, Kurt. Time won't heal my scars, there are too many demons living inside of me, tearing me apart. Loving me is a losing game, don't you get that?"

"Don't talk like that. You are so beautiful, Blaine, inside and out. Loving you, I feel like I've won."

"How can you love someone like me? I'm spoiled."

"You're so much more than what those men did to you. You can't let them dictate who you are or who you'll be in the future." Kurt was on the verge of getting angry at Blaine, but he stayed calm and patient. Tonight was obviously one of the bad days Blaine talked about having.

"It's not them, it's what I allowed myself to become. It has fucked me up. I don't know who I am anymore." Blaine's eyes were shiny with tears. "I just want to go back to being sixteen and start over, make sure my mom and dad never got in the car that day and then everything would be different."

Blaine was crying now, tears flowing freely down his cheeks, and Kurt's heart broke in two. He felt helpless. All he wanted to do was to help Blaine, help him understand that though it might seem dark now there was light at the end of the tunnel. Things always seemed the darkest right before it turned around. But saying that to Blaine wouldn't change anything tonight. Instead he slid his fingers through Blaine's, hoping Blaine wouldn't pull away.

"I wish I could turn back time for you, but I can't and maybe I don't really want that either if I'm being selfish, because then I probably wouldn't have met you."

"It would have been better for you," Blaine muttered, but to Kurt's relief, Blaine made no attempt to withdraw his hand.

"Blaine," Kurt said with slight admonishment. "I know everything about you, and I'm still here, still in love with you. Despite all of that. And if you feel the same way about me then there's no reason why we couldn't be together. Not now, I get that that's not possible, but one day. Even if it won't be normal or whatever it is you think I should have."

"Oh, Kurt…," Blaine sighed. "No. I can't, it wouldn't be fair to you."

"I think that's for me to decide." Why was Blaine so unrelenting about this? Why wouldn't he let them have the future they could have? Kurt didn't understand, if they both felt the same way, why was Blaine pushing Kurt away?

"I want to be with you so badly," Blaine whispered, almost as if he was afraid to say it out loud, "but I don't know if I can. Not as your boyfriend. I… I don't know if I'll ever be able to be intimate with someone again."

Oh… Kurt hadn't thought about that. Right up until now he hadn't even thought there was a chance for him and Blaine to be together again.

"See, you haven't thought this through, what it means to be with me," Blaine said when Kurt remained quiet. "Let's just forget this. I told you from the beginning I'm not boyfriend material and this proves that you're not prepared to deal with this complete package. That's why you should let me go." Blaine made an attempt to get up from the floor but Kurt held on to his hand and stopped him.

"I might not have thought about everything. Ten minutes ago I didn't even know how you felt about me," Kurt said and tried to gather all the thoughts in his mind and find the right thing to say to Blaine, but they were spinning too fast and he didn't know where to start. "Maybe it will get better with time?"

"But what if it doesn't?"

What if it didn't? Could Kurt see himself with Blaine if sex was out of the picture? It felt shallow to even think that thought, but realistically sex was part of a relationship and Kurt didn't want to be flippant about this and say that it didn't matter to him.

"I don't know what will happen in the future, and neither do you, but I do know what I feel for you. I'm not gonna lie, sex is important to me in a relationship, but not as important as you, Blaine." Kurt stroked his thumb over Blaine's knuckles. "Let's take it one day at a time, baby step by baby step, and see what happens."

"I don't know… It doesn't seem fair of me to keep you around when I can't promise you it will work out in the end."

"That's a promise no one can make in a relationship. You know where you start but you don't know where you'll end up. But that's a risk you're willing to take to get a shot at being with the person you love."

Blaine leaned his head on Kurt's shoulder and Kurt could finally feel Blaine relax and let down his guard. Blaine mumbled something that might have been an 'okay', but it might also have been something else. Kurt exhaled for what felt like the first time since he sat down next to Blaine. He had won this battle against Blaine's demons, but he had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time they surfaced.

"What we have, our connection, has always been special, right from the very start, and it's going to stay that way. We'll get through this together, Blaine. You and me."

Blaine lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed the back of Kurt's hand. "I love you so much," he whispered, his voice cracking with emotions.

"I love you, too."

Kurt leaned his head against Blaine's, his vision blurred by tears he couldn't keep back any longer. Happy tears mixed with sad ones, his heart filled with so many different emotions, but right now most of all love for Blaine. He wanted to kiss Blaine so badly, they loved each other and it could have been magical, but it would have to wait until a day when Blaine was doing better, and Kurt was okay with that. He got to sit there with Blaine, holding his hand and look at the Christmas tree they had decorated together. It was more than enough.

"I'm tired," Blaine said quietly.

"Maybe we can sleep now," Kurt agreed with a yawn even though he could have stayed in that exact spot the rest of the night, and even though he wasn't sure at all he'd be able to sleep.

They got up, left the blankets in a pile on the floor and went up the stairs together, hand in hand.

"Good night," Kurt said in the hallway between their rooms.

"Ehm…" Blaine hesitated. "Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?" he said while looking down at the carpet. "I don't feel like being alone and I… uhm… I'll feel better with someone here."

Kurt placed a finger under Blaine's chin and tilted his head till they made eye contact. "Of course," Kurt said, relieved he didn't have to leave Blaine just yet.

Kurt followed Blaine into his room and sat down at the edge of the bed while Blaine crawled under the covers.

"Good night, Blaine. Sweet dreams." Kurt stroked Blaine's back over the covers. "I'll sit right here until you fall asleep."

"Can you hold me, Kurt? Just for a little while?"

Kurt said nothing, just climbed onto the bed and laid down next to Blaine. With the cover between them, Kurt wrapped his arm around Blaine. "Like this?" he asked.

"Thank you," Blaine answered and placed his hand on top of Kurt's, lacing their fingers together. "The demons always seem further away when you're near."

-x-x-x-

Notes: So, there it is. Neither really got over the other and during the weekend all those feelings has surfaced. Blaine still has a way to go, but with only five chapters left (and an epilogue, which I'm still working on...) things are about to change soon – because I did promise that happy ending :)

And now it's Christmas time, my favorite holiday of the year! I wish you all a Merry Christmas and I hope you're having a wonderful and peaceful Christmas time!