Chapter 26 - The Goodbye
Kurt snuck out of Blaine's room when he was sure Blaine was sound asleep. It was hard to tear himself away from Blaine, hard not to fall for the temptation to stay and hold Blaine all night, but he figured it was for the best if they didn't wake up in the same bed together. Blaine might have the same terrified reaction as he'd had when he woke up that morning in Kurt's apartment after having fallen asleep on Kurt's couch, and if Burt found them in bed together there would be numerous questions and assumptions and Kurt wanted to avoid all of that. It was just better for everyone this way.
The following morning when Kurt got downstairs to eat breakfast the house was quiet. It was almost eleven so Kurt knew his dad and Carole weren't in bed, and that could only mean they weren't at home. He started to make coffee and looked through the fridge to see what it offered for breakfast.
"Good morning."
Kurt jumped at the voice, closed the fridge and turned towards the doorway. He hadn't heard the approaching footsteps over the sound of the coffee machine. Leaning against the doorframe with his arms loosely crossed stood Blaine, dressed in black but still managing to look soft. His hair was tousled from sleep and his eyes shone brightly.
"Good morning," Kurt answered, and took in the gorgeous sight. A sight that made him all warm inside. "Slept well?"
"Yes, once I finally fell asleep. Thanks for staying with me," Blaine added with a warm smile.
"Of course," Kurt said, feeling that warmth everywhere inside. He cleared his throat. "I was just preparing breakfast, why don't you take a seat and it will be ready soon."
"Can I help instead?"
Kurt nodded and side by side they worked together in the kitchen, making scrambled eggs with bacon and hot oatmeal with milk and blueberries. It was nice, the small talk they made and the occasional bumping into each other. Even if Kurt knew Blaine well by now, this was still new and exciting somehow. They were stepping into new territory in their relationship and being in Blaine's presence made Kurt's pulse flutter.
When the food was ready, they carried their plates, bowls and mugs into the living room where they sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. The volume was turned down low and both of them pretty much ignored the TV.
The sky outside the big windows facing the garden was gray and gloomy, but inside the Christmas lights in the tree lit up the room. The blankets they had left on the floor the night before had been neatly folded and placed back on the arm rest. Blaine picked one up and spread it over his lap as he snuggled up in the corner of the couch.
"How are you feeling today?" Kurt asked when the most urgent hunger had been satisfied with a few spoons of oatmeal and some bacon.
"Good. Better." Blaine put down his bowl on the coffee table and picked up the mug of coffee instead. "Moments like last night happen every now and then, I know they do and I know they will pass, but still I'm not prepared to tackle them in a good way yet. I crack and I break down and I feel like shit for a few hours, if I'm lucky, or a few days." Blaine took a sip of his coffee and Kurt did his best to push down the guilt that came with knowing he was the trigger this time. When Blaine lowered his mug, he looked peaceful. "I don't know how you do it but talking to you always makes me feel better. You make everything better."
Blaine put the mug back on the coffee table and Kurt watched the motion because suddenly he couldn't look at Blaine's face.
"Really?" Kurt asked as his eyes flickered around the room. Things had been said the night before, things Kurt didn't know if Blaine had meant. It was easy to say some things in the dark when it felt hopeless and desperate, another to mean them in the daylight.
When Kurt's eyes eventually, inevitably, landed on Blaine, Blaine sat there, leaning his elbow against the backrest of the couch and his head leaning against his hand, with a soft look on his face. "Yes," he said when their eyes met. "Life seems brighter, easier, when you're around."
Kurt felt himself smile. Maybe there was hope.
"Life is better with you in it, too."
He reached out his hand to Blaine, not knowing if he would accept it, but the urge to be connected with Blaine was so strong he had to take a chance.
Blaine laced his fingers with Kurt's, warm skin against his own and nothing had ever felt more right. Blaine moved closer to him and Kurt put his arm around Blaine's shoulder, pulling him into his side. Blaine relaxed against Kurt and leaned his head on Kurt's shoulder.
"I don't want you to leave," Blaine said with a quiet voice. "Can't you stay here?"
"I have classes tomorrow," Kurt said, though he wanted nothing more than to stay.
"Can't you do them from here? Ask your professor to put up a camera in the classroom or something?"
Kurt traced light patterns with his fingertips on Blaine's arm. "I wish I could."
Blaine's hair tickled Kurt's neck when he settled in closer to Kurt. Kurt listened as Blaine sighed and he really didn't want to go back to Florida. He wanted to be where Blaine was and support him in whichever way he could. Blaine wasn't stable and if Kurt made him feel better, then wasn't here where he should be? It sucked that life kept them apart.
"I texted my therapist earlier this morning and made a new appointment for tomorrow," Blaine said, pulled his legs up and formed himself into a ball next to Kurt. "I know you have to go back but I also know it's going to suck when you're gone."
"Then it's good you made an appointment. All I want is for you to feel better, too. And if there's anything I can do while I'm in Florida…"
"I know, you're just a phone call away, and I appreciate that, but there are some things I need to fix on my own. There are things I haven't told her yet, things I haven't told anyone because I haven't been ready to deal with them, but I think I am now. I'm tired of feeling like shit, Kurt. I want to be free of it."
"Are there things you haven't told me?" Kurt asked. He was a little surprised, he thought Blaine had confessed everything to him.
"Yes." Blaine inhaled heavily, almost a deep sigh. "There are things I'd rather not share with you, you've heard enough. But I hope by talking about them with her it can chase away some of the demons in my head."
"Blaine… I wish there was more I could do," Kurt said as the feeling of being insufficient returned. What horrible things had Blaine been through?
"You have done more for me than anyone else, Kurt, and you being you is more than enough."
"But you are going to call me after I've left, right?" This worried Kurt more than he'd liked to admit, that when he wasn't here Blaine would decide that talking to him was too hard. "Even if you don't feel like talking, we can be quiet on the phone together. No matter what the hour."
"Yes." Kurt could hear the smile in Blaine's voice and that eased his worry some.
"Promise?"
Blaine sat up and looked at Kurt. "I promise. I told you part of the reason why I couldn't talk to you was because it made me feel guilty about how I had treated you. The other part was because of how I still feel about you. I never thought it was possible for there to be an us again and talking to you just reminded me of how much I had screwed up and how much I hated myself for it. I tried for a while, pretended that hearing your voice didn't affect me. Pretended I was okay and that you weren't in my every thought if I relaxed enough to let them wander freely. But I was never okay, and I thought if I didn't talk to you I'd get over you."
"So it was your decision and not your therapists to stop calling me?" Kurt asked, confused.
"I talked about it with her, and she encouraged me to do what I felt was best for me, but the decision was mine. I tried so hard not to think about you that I focused more on getting over you than I focused on getting better. But things are different now, aren't they?"
"They are," Kurt agreed and smiled. He thought about how much they'd shared with each other over the weekend, how being in each other's presence compared to being on the other side of a phone made a huge difference. They hadn't figured it all out yet, it would take much more time, but it was a start.
"Now I'm ready to focus on myself and on getting better."
Kurt looked at Blaine and met his gaze. His eyes were a warm hazel, and they were shining with a new glow. "Good," Kurt said as his heartbeat sped up. Blaine's gaze was intense and like a magnet. The attraction between them felt stronger than it had in a very long time and Kurt could barely look at Blaine, but he couldn't look away either, mesmerized and fascinated by the sudden change in energy between them. Blaine's eyelashes fluttered gracefully before he looked away. When he looked up again just seconds later, they were just as intense.
Too intense. Looking into Blaine's eyes was too intense and had Blaine ever looked as attractive? His lips were pink and luscious and when he absentmindedly bit his lower lip time stopped. A memory of devouring those lips arose and Kurt lost himself in that memory for a moment, but not for long because the thunder in his heart reminded him of Blaine sitting right there, so close, looking into his soul.
"What's your favorite color?" Blaine asked.
"Brown," Kurt answered even though it was green. He blinked, surprised by the unexpected question. "Why do you ask?"
"You know almost everything about me, but I don't know nearly as much about you," Blaine answered. "Like your favorite color."
Kurt let out a laugh. "You're cute, do you know that?" He was okay with the change in subject. They always, always, ended up in deep, heavy conversations and though they were needed, they also needed light and fun moments.
"Not as cute as you." Blaine smiled and he laid down with his head in Kurt's lap.
It was unexpected but Kurt found no reasons to object. With Blaine's eyes somewhere on the Christmas tree, Kurt could look freely (safely) at Blaine and memorize every line and dimple for the days ahead when Blaine wouldn't be this close. Blaine's skin was smooth except for the dark, short stubble on his cheeks, his eyebrows had a funny triangular shape, and his hair was soft and curly. Kurt already knew all those things, but he still took mental pictures to remember.
Kurt twirled a lock of Blaine's dark brown hair around his finger. It looked so soft, he couldn't resist. But then he remembered what Blaine had told him about intimacy. "Is this okay?" he asked, "Me touching you?"
"Yes," Blaine hummed, "more than okay."
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so you have to tell me if I do."
"This is fine. Hugging you or holding your hand or things like that, that's not a problem. It's the more… physical stuff I don't know if I'll be okay with."
"Okay," Kurt said and almost regretted asking because suddenly it got serious again and he liked it better when Blaine smiled instead of the tense lines now appearing on his forehead. "What more do you want to know about me?"
"Tell me about young Kurt Hummel," Blaine said, his face softening again. "What was it like to grow up in Lima, Ohio? What did you like to do? Who were your friends? Things like that."
"Okay," Kurt said, surprised again by Blaine. Kurt thought Blaine would ask questions more in line with his first one, like his favorite food and favorite movie, but Blaine was unpredictable today.
Kurt told Blaine about his life growing up. He told him about his hobbies and dreams, his favorite memories of his mom and how his life changed when he started high school and accepted that he was gay. All while stroking Blaine's hair between his fingertips.
Sometimes Blaine looked up at him and their eyes met, he would ask a question or make a small comment, but most of the time Blaine was quiet and looked at the tree. It didn't matter to Kurt. They were together even though they weren't together. They shared a connection, a bond that no one could break.
Except for Burt who caught them by surprise when he walked into the living room. None of them had heard him approach but when he made his presence known, Blaine sat up quickly and created a distance between himself and Kurt. Kurt didn't understand why but perhaps it was just old habits, 'fear of being found out', only there was nothing to find out. Despite the interruption, Kurt felt optimism. Blaine was coming back to him. One day. And Kurt would wait for however long it took.
Later, Burt pulled Kurt aside to ask him if there was something between him and Blaine again. "He has changed since you came home. He's… less troubled in your presence. I mean, he puts on a smile and is always friendly and chatty with customers and the guys at work, but whenever we're at home there's a… how do I phrase this… a gloomy aura around him, I guess. He's friendly and chatty here too, but he also pulls away from us and spends a lot of time on his own in his room. But when he's with you… I've never seen him smile like he does when he looks at you."
Burt had noticed the bond between them. He'd never really seen them together, nobody had, except for that goodbye hug outside Kurt's apartment in Florida.
"I love him, and he loves me, but no, there's nothing like what you mean between us. He's got too many unresolved issues he needs to work on."
"But you're hoping." Burt's words weren't a question, and they weren't enthusiastic either.
"Of course I am, I'm in love with him."
"Just be careful, son. I believe you are good for him and that you being here for him really helps him, but I'm not as sure he's good for you. He comes with a lot of baggage, Kurt." The worried wrinkle between Burt's eyes told Kurt his dad had given this a lot of thought. "I don't want you to get hurt or hope for something that might never be."
"I know there are no guarantees for the future and I'm okay with that. But he is good for me, too, Dad. He makes me feel special. If I make him smile, he makes me smile even more, and it's like…" Kurt tried to find the right words to describe the bond between them, but those words didn't exist. "I've never felt this way about anyone," he ended up saying instead.
"You're still young, you haven't had that much experience with love," Burt tried to reason.
"Didn't you say you asked mom to marry you after knowing her for six months when you were twenty-two? How much experience with love did you have before that?"
"Are you thinking about asking Blaine to marry you?!" Burt asked as his face turned pale.
"No! Of course not. But just as you knew mom was the right one for you, I know Blaine is the one for me. So I'm not giving up hope. Never. But no matter what happens between us, if we end up together or not, I'm always going to be there for him. Always going to be his friend, because that's what he needs the most."
"I've raised you well, son." Burt's voice was thick with emotions as he placed a steady hand on Kurt's shoulder. "You've always been smart, smarter than me. And it's not that I don't like Blaine, I just want you to be careful with your heart. It's so easily breakable."
"Blaine wouldn't intentionally hurt me and I feel safe giving him my heart. But I appreciate you looking out for me, Dad." Kurt took a step forward and wrapped his arms around his dad in a tight hug.
Burt's arms found their way around Kurt, too. He'd never been the kind to shy away from a hug. "I love you, Kurt," he whispered.
"I love you, too," Kurt whispered back.
Carole prepared something for them to eat and then the moment Kurt had tried not to think about all day had arrived. It was time to go back to Florida. When Blaine offered to drive Kurt to the airport, no one objected. Kurt talked too much in the car, he hated the uncomfortable silence that was the alternative. Blaine was too quiet, too much in his own thoughts, and perhaps they were both thinking about the inevitable moment when they would have to say goodbye to each other, only handling that thought differently.
The airport was busy, filled with people flying home after spending Thanksgiving with loved ones. The line to the check-in counter was long and moved slowly. Blaine stood next to Kurt, insisting on holding his bag. The bag in which Kurt had stuffed away his scarf and gloves. They weren't needed in the mild fall weather of Florida. Kurt didn't want to leave. Ohio was his home and all the people he loved were there, why should he travel somewhere else? To a place he didn't care for all that much… There were knots in his stomach now, tight knots, and a lump was forming in his throat.
After check-in it was only the security control left and Blaine couldn't follow him past that point. This was it.
"Do you have everything you need?" Blaine asked when they stopped just before the line started.
"Yes." Everything but you. "All set."
"I guess this is goodbye then."
"No," Kurt said. "Never goodbye. This is just 'see you later'. I'm never saying goodbye to you."
Blaine hung his head and then he spoke in a quiet voice. "Fuck, Kurt… don't talk like that… can't we have an easy goodbye?" Blaine looked up again and his beautiful hazel eyes were filled with sadness.
"I'm sorry," Kurt whispered. "I don't know how to make this easy because I don't want to leave."
Blaine shut his eyes. "I'm going to miss you," he said when he opened them again.
"Me, too," Kurt answered, took a step closer and wrapped his arms around Blaine in a tight hug. Why was saying goodbye so hard? They'd see each other again for Christmas in less than a month, but still this felt like saying goodbye for much longer.
"Thank you for everything this weekend, for being honest with me," Blaine whispered. "I know what I want now, and I know what I have to do. I promise I'll work hard on getting better." His arms found their way around Kurt, too, and he hugged Kurt without a care who saw them.
"There's no rush, Blaine. I'll still love you no matter how many months or years this will take."
Blaine pulled back his head, just a little bit, their faces still very close, and looked into Kurt's eyes. Blaine's eyes were intense - sad and exhilarated at the same time. "I love you, too, blue-eyes."
Something happened in Kurt's head when Blaine called him blue-eyes, time stood still and everyone and everything around them ceased to exist. There was only him and Blaine, his pounding heart, and Blaine's face so close he could feel his breath on his lips. Kurt was turned on in the most inappropriate way, but could he really be blamed for it? There Blaine was, sexy as ever, with eyes so intense Kurt could barely breathe, looking straight into his soul, telling him that he loved him.
Kurt acted on instinct, didn't plan or think when he moved his face just a little bit forward, because that was all it took, until his lips graced Blaine's. Feather-light and trying he pressed his lips against Blaine's while his blood soared in his veins. He wanted to be Blaine's in every way possible, emotionally and physically. He moved his hands to Blaine's face, cupped his cheeks and pressed his lips firmer against Blaine's.
Blaine didn't pull away, but he shifted his face so his lips no longer touched Kurt's, and gracefully removed Kurt's hands from his cheeks. "I can't…" he whispered so quietly it was barely audible, leaning his forehead against Kurt's. "I'm sorry, Kurt…"
"No, don't be." Kurt was thrown back to reality, to the hectic, crowded airport in an instant. People were rushing past them, ignoring them, eager to get through the security control and onwards to their gates. Kurt couldn't look at Blaine, mortified by his own actions, so he focused on the people around them instead.
"I'm the one who's sorry," Kurt continued. Fuck! How stupid was he? Blaine had told him so many times, he needed more time. He knew Blaine wasn't ready for this.
Blaine ignored Kurt's hurt feelings, or maybe he just wanted to heal and comfort them, and pulled Kurt closer again. "I'm the one who's a mess, not you," Blaine whispered. "You don't have to apologize."
Kurt relaxed in Blaine's arms, even if his heart still stung, and let himself be hugged by Blaine. He'd been keeping it together all weekend, been strong so Blaine could be weak, but in that moment, he felt as though he was falling apart.
It was both so easy and so difficult to stand there in Blaine's arms. But hadn't it always been like that - both easy and difficult to be with Blaine? Easy to be swept away but difficult for his heart to follow along emotionally. Always a roller-coaster. Always being pulled in and pushed away. Like all those nights Blaine had shown up at the diner, but never waited outside for him. Or when Blaine had confessed to liking him and wanting to see him again, but then he changed when his friends showed up.
Except for that one night on their date. When everything had been easy and beautiful and amazing. It was a memory that still made Kurt all warm inside. That's what he wanted again. That's what he could have if he was patient and gave Blaine the time he needed. It would be hard to know they both wanted each other but the timing wasn't right. He would probably doubt if waiting for Blaine to heal was the right decision, several times, but in the end it would be worth it. Because Blaine was worth it.
"I don't want to let go," Kurt whispered.
"You have to. Or you'll miss your flight."
"I don't care." Kurt sighed, feeling himself falter and falling for the temptation to stay. "This is stupid. I don't have to go back to Florida. I can probably finish the last weeks of the semester from here, I'll just talk to my professors and-"
"Kurt…" Blaine pulled back again, further this time, and looked into Kurt's eyes. "I don't want you to go either, but…" Blaine closed his eyes, inhaled slowly, and then opened them again. "I have to do these first steps on my own. Without you."
Kurt took a deep breath, too. "I know…" It had been a silly wish to think he could stay, but how could he leave? Kurt pulled himself together. "Okay. I'm going now." He let his arms fall to his sides from holding around Blaine. "Goodbye, Blaine."
"See you later, blue-eyes," Blaine answered, letting go of Kurt, too.
Kurt had to smile at that. "See you later."
And with a quick kiss on Blaine's cheek, Kurt turned around and walked to the line of the security control. Beyond the security control Rachel would be waiting for him and he would cry in her arms.
