Big thanks to gaara king of the sand for all the help. Also my thanks to G0nna6of4rk1d for help with ideas and Supernova1219 whose comment helped inspire this chapter.
"I'm glad you're sleeping over. I can't remember the last time I had this much fun." Clementine said as she moved her piece two spaces forward.
"Me either. I can't remember the last time I've played with anyone…" Danielle said.
The two girls were once again playing Sorry, but they were both starting to get a bit tired.
"It's late. Should we go to sleep?" Danielle suggested as she rubbed sleep out of her eyes.
"No way. The rules of a sleepover are you have to stay up all night." Clementine said.
"Staying up is the opposite of "sleeping over"." Danielle giggled.
"True, but I don't think awake over sounds as catchy." Clementine pointed out.
"Slumber party is also a thing." Danielle said.
"Slumber party?" Clementine repeated with a smile. "I like that better."
"Me too." Danielle said. "What do you want to play now?"
"Umm… I… I have to do something… for the twins." Clementine said.
"Oh. What is it? Maybe I can help." Danielle said.
Clementine shook her head. "N-No… You can't…"
Danielle seemed a bit confused, "Why not?"
"I… I have to pump…" Clementine said.
"Pump?" Danielle was even more confused by that.
"Milk for them… I try to do it most night if their bottles get low." Clementine replied.
"You fill their bottles with milk from…?"
"From here." Clementine brought her little hands to her small chest.
"O-Oh- H-How?" Danielle asked a bit awkwardly.
"With this," Clementine grabbed the breast pump from her bedside.
Danielle studied the device for a bit. "Umm…. Okay… Should I wait downstairs…?"
"If you want…" Clementine shrugged.
"Don't you want privacy?" Danielle asked.
"Haven't had it in a long time." Clementine shrugged. "You can stay… We can just talk or something… I'll be bored anyway."
"Okay…"
Danielle made sure to turn away as Clementine lifted her shirt and began pumping.
"Danielle…" Clementine suddenly called.
"Huh?"
"Thanks for being my friend… I didn't think you would want to be…" Clementine said.
"Why not?" Danielle asked.
"Because…. I… I get on people's nerves sometimes. And… And I'm naughty." Clementine said.
"I don't think you're naughty." Danielle said.
"Carver told me I was… He still tells me I am…" Clementine said.
"Who's Carver? He must be bad…" Danielle said.
"He is bad… He… hurt me…" Clementine muttered.
"How did he hurt you?" Danielle asked.
"He… He fucked me." Clementine said.
Danielle felt sick at that. She remembered hearing dirty words like that from those bandits. "That's a bad word…"
"But that's what he called it…" Clementine said.
"You don't have to say it just because he did…" Danielle said. "…People… hurt me too…"
"Wh-When?"
"A long time ago… When I was… seven." Danielle said.
"What happened to them?"
"Some... Some of them are dead…" Danielle said. "I hope they're all dead…"
"Christa and Kenny keep telling me that Carver is dead, but… but he keeps haunting me…" Clementine said.
"What do you mean?" Danielle questioned.
Clementine frowned and answered, "He's in my dreams… Sometimes, I even hear him when I'm awake…. I know it sounds crazy but-"
"It's not crazy… Sometimes I have bad memories too… I shut down and… I need to be alone with Flopsie for a while to calm down…" Danielle explained.
"I try to calm myself when I have a bad dream, but it's not easy. Everytime I see Carver, I feel like my heart's going to explode." Clementine said.
"What does… he say to you?" Danielle asked.
"…That my babies are his." Clementine said.
"…Are they?" Danielle asked.
Clementine didn't respond.
"Clem?"
Clementine still kept silent for a moment or two. "They don't need a dad… They have me… That's enough…"
"…Okay…" Danielle said, not wanting her friend to be upset. "But maybe one day… they can have a nice daddy."
"They'll never have a daddy." Clementine said.
"I didn't have a daddy… Sometimes I wish I did…." Danielle said. "Your girls might wish for one too when they're older…"
"They can wish all they want… But I'll make sure they don't need anyone else." Clementine said.
Silence fell over the two children.
"I'm done. We can play now…" Clementine said.
"Actually, I'm a little tired… I know you said we have to stay up all night, but maybe a little nap will be okay." Danielle said, turning to her friend.
"Yeah, I guess I'm a little tired too…" Clementine said. "Let me just check on the twins."
Danielle gave a nod. "Want me to go with you?"
"Sure." Clementine said.
"Okay…" Danielle said, standing up.
She opened the bedroom door for Clementine as the other girl put her crutches on.
The two children headed to the nursery to check in on the twins. Both babies were fast asleep, as they had been the last time the two check on them. Danielle had lost count of how many times they had checked on the twins in the last hour. It seemed Clementine felt the urge to peek into the nursery every ten minutes of so.
"Why don't we sleep in here?" Danielle suggested.
"Are you sure, the twins might cry." Clementine said.
"I don't mind. Babies cry, it's normal." Danielle replied.
"Yeah… I just don't want them to wake you." Clementine said.
"It's okay…" Danielle said. "If you wanna sleep in here, we can."
"I… I do want to stay in here…" Clementine said. "If that's okay with you."
"Okay."
"But I don't want you to have to lay on the ground…" Clementine quickly added.
"I'm used to it. Besides, the carpet is soft… It's nothing compared to sleeping outside…" Danielle said. "We can put blankets down to make it more comfortable."
"Okay, let's do that." Clementine said. The girl nearly fell as she attempted to make a swift turn with her crutches.
Danielle noticed this and spoke, "I'll bring the blankets. You can stay here."
"Why? I'm okay…" Clementine said.
"I'm sure… I just, don't… want you getting hurt…" Danielle said. "I'll be quick. I promise…"
"…Okay…"
Danielle left the room to grab some blankets and pillows. Once the girl returned the two laid the blankets out on the ground.
"Are you sure you don't mind sleeping in here?" Clementine asked.
"I don't mind." Danielle said. "Let's try to get some rest…"
Clementine nodded and the two laid down to get some sleep. It didn't take long for the girls to doze off.
A sudden scream filled the bedroom, the noise quickly waking the twins and causing Clementine to shoot upright, nervous and alert.
Resisting the urge to cover her ears from the twins' cries, Clementine quickly turned to Danielle who was whimpering and shaking a bit. Clementine did her best to calm her friend down. She could see Danielle was really shaken up by what she assumed had been a nightmare.
The door quickly opened, and a concerned Christa stepped inside.
"I heard a scream, is everything alright?" Christa asked looking concerned.
The twins were still wailing. Christa went over to comfort them.
"Dani had a bad dream..." Clementine said, looking worried for her friend.
"Oh... I'm sorry, Danielle. Did you need something, sweetie...?" Christa asked.
Danielle gave a small shake of the head. She was still shaken up. "I... I'm sorry for waking the twins.
"It's okay." Clementine said. "I can put them back to sleep."
"I think they're okay." Christa said as she gave the two their pacifiers causing them to fall quiet.
"Okay." Clementine said.
"You girls try to get some rest." Christa said. "Call me if you need me."
The girls nodded and Christa made her way out the room.
"Are you okay, Dani?" Clementine asked.
"I think so… I'm sorry for waking you up and for making the twins cry." Danielle said.
"Don't be… You couldn't help it if you had a bad dream… I know how scary those can be." Clementine said.
"Let's… go back to sleep." Danielle said.
"Alright…" Clementine said. "Goodnight."
"Night…"
Danielle tried to fall back to sleep, though she was scared her nightmare would return. Eventually, however she did manage to drift off.
When morning came Clementine woke first. She decided to let Danielle sleep for a while longer. Apart from Danielle's bad dream, the two girls had fun together and they were both tired. The two were in no rush to get up.
The young girl checked in on the twins who were still asleep. She knew they would be hungry when they were awake, she checked their bottles. The twins as usual woke up to feed in the middle of the night, meaning Clementine would have to refill their bottles. It had become easier to feed Aleena with a bottle considering it didn't bother her nasal cannula.
"Knock-knock."
Clementine flinched as the door suddenly opened and looked to see Becca.
Becca noticed the girl holding the breast pump and raised a brow. "Am I interrupting something."
"I was just going to make sure the twins had enough to eat…" Clementine said.
"While your friend's in the room?" Becca motioned to Danielle.
"She… She's sleeping…" Clementine said.
"And she could wake up. How do you think she'd react to seeing you with your shirt off?"
"…Dani wouldn't mind… She knows I'm doing this to feed my babies." Clementine said.
"Dani wouldn't mind, or YOU don't mind?" Becca replied. "Maybe you are a lesbian."
"Lesbian?" Clementine echoed.
"Forget it. I'm just messing with you." Becca said. "I know you like that kid, uh… what's his name, Gill?"
"I do like Gill… But only as a friend."
"Yeah right." Becca said. "You're telling me you don't have crush on him. You're always so happy to see him."
"Why wouldn't I be? He's my friend." The child paused. "But… he hasn't really talked to me lately…"
"Why not?"
"I… I guess I made him mad… because of what happened in the park."
"Oh… Well, forget him. What you did was badass!"
Clementine shrugged in response. "…Where's Sarah?"
"Downstairs. She's been reading these medical books Sarita gave her all day. She says she wants to be a doctor."
"That's a good thing." Clementine said.
"You think? She's so squeamish I don't see that happening, but enough about Sarah. Tell me about your crush." Becca said.
"I… do like someone, but I can't say who…" Clementine said, looking away.
"Oh, come on." Becca urged.
Clementine shook her head.
"Fine…" Becca said. "…Chicken."
Clementine didn't respond.
"Anyway, I wasn't expecting you to feel comfortable whipping your chest out around other people. Even though, you're still flat as a board." Becca suddenly said.
"I have to pump for my kids. Christa said it's nothing to feel uncomfortable about. Nursing is a natural thing." Clementine said.
"So you're not embarrassed at all?" Becca asked.
"Why would I be?"
"Well, most women aren't exactly happy with their bodies after a pregnancy." Becca said.
Clementine furrowed her brows and asked, "Why not?"
"Think about it, the stretch marks, the weight changes. That stuff happens when you have a baby. And you had two… Just saying."
Clementine let what she was saying sink in. She had noticed that her body was a lot different from how she remembered it being, and there had been days where she felt uncomfortable in her own skin. Her stomach wasn't as flat as it had been, and she did have those stretch marks as Becca had mentioned.
The child found herself suddenly feeling self-conscious. Biting at her lower lip, Clementine adjusted her shirt.
When Danielle awoke, she was surprised to find Clementine was no longer in the room. She quickly noticed the twins were still asleep.
It wasn't long before the door opened, and Clementine made her way into the room with her crutches. "Oh, you're awake."
"Yeah… Where were you?" Danielle wondered.
"…In the bathroom." Clementine answered.
"Oh." Danielle stretched a bit before sitting up. "Are you okay?"
Clementine forced a smile, "Yeah. I'm good. Um… Christa made some breakfast."
"Breakfast?"
Clementine nodded. "It's oatmeal."
"Okay. Aren't you hungry too?" Danielle asked.
"N-No…" Clementine stammered. "I… I'll just stay with the twins."
Danielle frowned for a moment. "Can you at least come with me?"
"…Sure…" Clementine said.
The two girls went to the dining area. Danielle made sure to keep a slow pace, so her friend didn't have to struggle with her crutches.
Becca and Sarah were both seated at the table. Becca was eating, while Sarah was looking through a book, her bowl in front of her and empty.
"Good morning, girls." Sarita greeted them, while holding a giggling AJ in her arms.
"Morning." Clementine greeted, Danielle giving a small wave.
"How'd you two sleep?" Sarita asked.
"Okay." Clementine said with a smile. "Can… Can I hold AJ?"
"Of course-"
"How about you do that after breakfast." Christa said.
"…I'm not hungry." Clementine said with a frown.
"Not even a little bit?" Christa asked.
"No. Not at all." Clementine said.
Christa didn't buy it, but said, "Okay… What about you, Dani, you hungry?"
Danielle gave a nod. Danielle was comfortable around Clementine, but other people were another story. She couldn't help but feel a bit skittish with others around.
Danielle took a seat a bit awkwardly. She was comfortable around Clementine, but she didn't know what to think about her group members yet.
It helped that Clementine was sitting next to her.
"Well, hopefully you don't mind oatmeal." Christa said, placing a bowl in front of the girl.
"T-Thank you." Danielle muttered as she started eating.
"Can I hold AJ now?" Clementine asked.
"Sure you can, Clementine." Sarita handed the toddler over to the young girl who smiled.
"Hey, Goofball, I missed you." Clementine said as she hugged the small boy.
"I think he missed you too." Sarita said.
Clementine smiled and continued playing with little AJ, trying to distract herself from the hunger she felt as she avoided watching the others eat.
The child frowned as she looked in the mirror. She didn't know how many times she had looked at herself in the mirror that day. She took in her body's shape which just seemed wrong to her. She felt a feeling of disgust as she looked at her appearance.
Clementine didn't know how long she had been in the candle lit bathroom, but she jumped when she heard a knock at the door. "W-Who is it?"
"It's me." Danielle's voice was heard.
Clementine sighed and carefully went over to open the door.
"Are you okay?" Danielle asked.
"Yeah…. Why wouldn't I be?" Clementine asked.
"I don't know…You've just… been distant today." Danielle said.
"Sorry… I didn't mean to be." Clementine mumbled.
"Are you sure you're okay? You're not feeling sick or anything?" Danielle asked.
"Nope. I'm fine…" Clementine claimed.
"Did somebody do something to upset you?" Danielle asked.
Clementine thought on those words then shook her head. "No, Dani…."
"Did… Did I do something to upset you." Danielle asked a bit nervously.
"No… Danielle, I'm fine. Really." Clementine said.
"Okay… I just wanted to make sure…" Danielle said.
"Thanks for checking on me."
"Of course. We're friends." Danielle smiled.
"Yeah. We are." Clementine gave a small smile. "Come on, let's play a board game."
"Okay."
Clementine flinched as she felt a hand come to rest against her forehead.
Christa hummed and retracted her hand. The girl was warm but not too hot. "You're a little warm. Is your stomach bothering you?"
"No... Not really."
"Do you want to tell me why you've been refusing to eat all day." Christa asked.
"I'm just not hungry." Clementine deadpanned.
"You're breastfeeding, you can't skip meals." Christa said. "Skipping breakfast was one thing. You're not about to skip dinner too."
"Why not?"
"It's not good for you or the babies." Christa said.
"The babies are the reason I'm like this." Clementine grumbled.
"Like what?" Christa asked.
No response.
"Clementine, what are you talking about?"
Clementine still refused to answer.
Christa sighed, shaking her head. "You have to eat, it's not an option."
"I'm not hungry…" Clementine complained.
"Clem, eat, or I'll feed you." Christa ordered in a stern voice.
The young girl pouted and slowed brought a spoonful of food to her mouth. She ate nearly half her food before pushing her bowl away. "Done…"
"Thank you." Christa said. "Now take your medicine."
"I don't want it." Clementine protested.
"It's not an option. You already know this, Clem." Christa said.
Clementine frowned. "Why can't I make my own choices?"
"Because you're a child. You're need guidance and an adult's judgement." Christa said.
"I want to go see my girls." Clementine tried to change the subject.
"Take your medicine and you can." Christa replied.
The child gave no further protest.
"We're going to be staying with Kenny and Sarita starting tomorrow." Christa announced.
"Why?" Clementine asked. "I like it here."
"Because… Because I need their help…"
"With what?"
"With looking after you and the twins." Christa responded.
"You don't have to look after me. I'll look after myself and my daughters." Clementine said.
"Clem-"
Clementine interrupted her, "Can you give me my medicine now. I want to go see my girls."
"Okay, Clem. Okay."
She had waited until the moment she was sure her guardian was asleep before heading to the restroom and forcing herself to retch.
She always hated throwing up, which was ironic considering she was now forcing herself to. She kept flashing back to how sick the girls would make her during her pregnancy… specifically if she tried to eat apples.
It was hard for her to not feel bitter about what the pregnancy had done to her. To her body, to her mind…
The young girl couldn't help but recalled one day when her mother had baked cookies and offered some to Sandra when her babysitter had come over. Sandra, however refused the treat, saying she was on a diet.
"What's a diet?" A confused Clementine had asked.
"It's a limit on what kinds of things you eat and how much." Sandra explained.
"Oh...Why?" Clementine asked.
"Because... I'm just watching my figure." Was Sandra's replied, which only confused the child more.
"You have a perfect figure, Sandra." Diana said kindly.
"Thanks, Miss Diana. I'm just trying to get beach ready." Sandra said.
"So you can't eat cookies? That's no fun..." Clementine pouted.
"Well I'm trying not to eat much... Plus this is a no sugar diet." Sandra said.
"Oh... So you don't get a tummyache?" Clementine innocently asked.
"That and so I don't get fat." Sandra said.
Clementine raised a brow. Sandra was far from fat.
"Are you sure you don't want one? I helped mommy bake them..." Clementine said.
"...Well... I guess one won't hurt." Sandra said.
Clementine beamed at that.
Sandra took one of the cookies and took a bite. "It's delicious, Clem."
"Thanks, Sandra."
The child could help but wonder what Sandra would think if she saw her now. Would she think Clementine needed a diet? Sandra had by no mean been fat, Clementine didn't understand why her former babysitter wanted to diet. But if Sandra had considered herself overweight, Clementine was sure she herself was definitely fat…
Clementine felt horrified the moment she realized she was in a familiar room, in a bed that was not her own. She could feel her heart pounding with terror.
She could feel rough hands on her body, stripping her from her clothes. She wanted to call for help, but a hand covered her mouth. She knew it would be no use anyway.
She hated him. She knew it didn't matter how much she fought he would always get what he wanted…
"Open your eyes, honey." A voice whispered in her ear.
Clementine hadn't even noticed she closed them, she let her eyes flutter open, but immediately wanted to shut them again as she was met with a mirror.
She was forced to take in her body figure and the child felt sick as she saw herself with a pregnant belly. Carver rubbed his hands over her stomach.
"W-Why did you do this to me?" Clementine stammered.
"I didn't do this to you, honey. You did this to yourself." Carver coldly replied.
"Wh-What?"
"You wanted this." Carver said.
Clementine shook her head, trying to block his voice out. "N-No..."
"You let me do this to you!"
"No! I didn't!" Clementine snapped.
"Oh, you did. You just don't want to remember, honey." Carver said.
Clementine frowned, keeping quiet.
"Look at yourself."
Clementine tried to avert her gaze, but Carver turned her head towards the mirror.
Clementine could see herself, her belly swollen as it had been when she was pregnant. "You did this to me."
"No…. You let this happen. You wanted this… like the dirty little whore you are."
"N-No…"
"Yes. Honey."
"We made those babies together." Carver said. "Our babies. Our love…"
"No! Stop it!" Clementine exclaimed. "I hate you! I HATE YOU!"
"You don't hate me, honey. I'm the only one who wants you. No one else would ever want you." He laughed.
She hated how he taunted her. Whenever she hadn't done what he asked, whenever she was naughty, he would physically and verbally abuse her. He was so cruel; he completely crushed every ounce of self-esteem she had, and he clearly didn't give a damn.
Dead or alive, she hated him so much…
"No one will ever want you…"
Wrapped in blistering fear and anxiety. Clementine's head sank toward her shoulders. Shame froze her and she could feel herself shaking.
His words tortured her. All the harmful statements crumbled on top of her.
"S-Stop... Stop it!" Clementine whimpered.
"Disgusting..." Carver said. "You're a fat, disgusting little whore. No one could ever want you."
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" The small girl yelled.
Carver's stabbing voice echoed "You're nothing without me. No one will ever want you."
Clementine's eyes snapped open and she found herself trembling wildly from her nightmare.
Clementine shook her head, forcing her painful recollections to disappear back into murkiness. The gruesome images loosened their grip, but she remained guarded and tense.
She recalled hearing those words numerous times, they echoed harshly in her head. Clementine brought her hands to her ears in an attempt to suppress the noise.
Clementine felt trapped in her own thinking. She tried many times to control her thoughts but to no avail. Her mind was pushing her into a deep state of self-doubt and judgement.
No one could understand how she felt.
Clementine fought recklessly to cling to reality. She didn't want to be lost in her past. She wanted to stay conscious.
She generated a mental search for why that man had hurt her but answers never came.
Over the next two days they transitioned to the other house. Clementine wasn't too thrilled, but she didn't protest. She was glad that she at least got to share a room with her twins. She couldn't handle being apart from them for too long.
Edith continued to bring Danielle over to play. Clementine and Danielle had quickly become friends, and frequent sleepovers had become a regular thing for the two girls.
Danielle spending time with Clementine also gave Edith chance to return to her work shift. Christa didn't mind looking after Danielle while Edith went to keep watch, but she did realize that another child was more responsibly on her plate, even if she was only watching Danielle for a couple hours throughout the days, which made her grateful to have help from Kenny and Sarita.
Danielle had quickly grown to love the twins. She had been a bit hesitant when it came to holding them at first, especially Aleena, because of how fragile they were but now she couldn't get enough of them.
Now she couldn't get enough of them.
"Maybe… you can be their auntie…" Clementine said.
"Hmm?"
"The twins. They love you already." Clementine smiled as little Crystal cooed in Danielle's arms. Aleena was asleep in Clementine's arms.
"How do you know? They can't talk." Danielle said.
"I'm their mommy. I have to know." Clementine said.
"Oh… I'm still surprised… that you're a mommy already…"
"Me too…"
"Well… I already love them too." "…I'll be their auntie if it's okay with you."
Clementine smiled. "Thanks. I think you'll make a good auntie."
"I'll do my best." Danielle replied. "…Clem…"
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Clementine said.
"Do… Do you like being a mom?" Danielle asked.
"Yeah. I do. I used to play mommy with my dolls all the time when I was a little kid." Clementine said.
Danielle couldn't understand how Clementine was so calm about the situation. Being a mom and still a kid seemed so scary. "But… this isn't like playing pretend… They're real…"
"I know." Clementine said.
"I'm just… surprised… You're still a little kid…" Danielle said. "It must be scary…"
Clementine shrugged. "I'm not a little kid…"
"You said you just turned twelve." Danielle said.
"In October." Clementine said. "Yeah… I don't remember, much since I was eight, but Christa said I'm twelve now."
"…How does she keep track of the days?" Danielle asked.
"Christa said it's important to keep an idea of what month it is, she I can tell if my girls are growing right." Clementine said. "When's your birthday, Dani?"
"I…It might have passed already. Which would mean I'm eleven now… It's hard to keep track when you're always on the move…" Danielle said. "It's a few weeks before Christmas though, I always used to hope it would snow for my birthday."
"We should celebrate!" Clementine beamed.
"Huh?"
"We could have a party." Clementine said.
"I... I'd rather not. My mom and I would always just celebrate small. She worked at a grocery store. She would bring home cupcakes and we would eat it together after dinner..." Danielle smiled a bit at the memory.
"That's really sweet."
"Yeah... It was…" Danielle agreed. "Clem…"
"Hmm?"
"You're not… scared that you're a mom?" Danielle asked.
"Scared? Scared of what?" Clementine asked back.
"Of… the responsibility…" Danielle said.
"I'm always scared…" Clementine admitted after a moment. "Not of the responsibility… And not because I don't really know how to be a mommy… I'm scared that I won't be a good mommy…"
"I think you're a good mommy to them…" Danielle said. "I can't imagine how hard it must be."
"If Christa hadn't been around helping me, I don't know what I would have done…" Clementine said.
"I'm glad she's been around for you." Danielle said.
"Me too." Clementine said.
"I'll help you too… I'd like to be their auntie." Danielle said.
"Really?" Clementine smiled.
"Really." Danielle said.
"Thank you." Clementine said.
A brief silence fell over the two girls.
"Can I ask you a question now?" Clementine spoke after a moment.
"Sure." Danielle said.
"Do… you think I'm fat?" Clementine said.
Danielle was surprised by that. "Wh-What?"
"Do you think I'm fat?" Clementine repeated.
"Of course not." Danielle said. "Why do ask?"
"I…just feel like I am…" Clementine said.
"Don't be silly. You're not fat." Danielle responded.
"I feel like I am…" Clementine said with a frown.
"That's just crazy talking. You're far from fat." Danielle said.
"Maybe I am crazy…" Clementine muttered.
"If you're crazy, so am I." Danielle said. "So I guess we'll be crazy together."
Clementine gave a small chuckle. "Fine with me."
The two girls had spent the day coloring and playing boardgames and tending to the twins as needed.
They were drawn into a game of "Go Fish", when a knock came at the door.
"Come in." Clementine said.
Sarah stepped into the room with smile. "Hi, Clem. Hi, Danielle."
Danielle gave the older girl a small wave.
"Hey, Sarah." Clementine greeted.
"What are you two up to?" Sarah asked.
"Just playing cards." Clementine said.
"Can I play?" Sarah asked.
"Sure." Clementine said.
"Thanks. I'm happy you're here, Clem." Sarah smiled.
Clementine seemed a bit surprised, "You are?"
Sarah nodded, "Yeah. Aren't you happy too?"
"…I don't know…" Clementine admitted. "I liked the other house."
"Oh… Well I'm glad we're all together again… I just wish… everyone was here. Like the other town." Sarah said.
"Everyone's probably dead." Clementine emotionless spoke.
Sarah's eyes widened. "Why would you say that?"
Danielle seemed shocked by her friend's cold tone too.
"Becca said so." Clementine said.
"She…She doesn't know that… Maybe they went back to the cabin… If anyone was hurt my dad probably helped them." Sarah said.
"Your dad's dead, Sarah… Just like my parents…" Clementine said.
"He…He is not!" Sarah exclaimed.
"Then why isn't he with you?" Clementine questioned.
"Because… we just got separated." Sarah claimed.
"Fine… whatever you say." Clementine said. "I think… I'm gonna draw for a while."
"What are you going to draw?" Danielle asked, hoping to lighten the mood.
"Myself…" Clementine said. "Myself being punished. For being naughty."
"…How are you naughty?" Danielle asked.
Clementine didn't reply. Sarah and Danielle frowned and exchanged looks.
"I don't think you're naughty, Clem." Danielle said.
"Me either." Sarah said.
Clementine still kept quiet. The other girls decided to drop the subject as they continued playing cards.
A while passed before another knock came at the door.
"Come in…" Clementine said.
Becca stepped into the room, and Clementine paused what she was doing. "Hey," The older girl greeted.
"Did you wanna play cards too?" Sarah asked.
"I'll pass. I'm not trying to play with little kids." Becca motioned to Clementine and Danielle. "Edith is here, and Christa wanted me to let you guys know it's dinner time."
Clementine cringed a bit at the thought of food. "I'm not hungry." She immediately said.
"You're never hungry…" Danielle said. "Why is that?"
Clementine simply shrugged in response.
"Well, can you at least sit with me?" Danielle asked.
As much as she didn't want to, she didn't want her friend feeling uncomfortable either.
"…Sure…" Clementine said.
Chatter filled the room, the smell of canned stew was strong in the air, but all Clementine could think about was not eating. She wanted to get away from the smell. She wanted to get away from food in general.
How could anyone expect her to eat when she looked like she did.
The child was yanked from her thoughts as Christa placed a chipped bowl in front of her. The small girl sent her guardian a look before saying, "I'm not hungry."
Christa ignored her as she placed a spoon down in front of her.
"I said, I'm not hungry." Clementine huffed.
"I know what you said. But I've told you before, it's not just about you, think about the twins." Christa said.
"I always think about the twins, Christa." Clementine said.
"You need to take care of your health so you can look after the twins." Christa said.
"I know. I'm just not hungry right now…" Clementine argued.
"You have to eat something. A least a little bit." Christa said.
"Christa, you can't just force her to eat if she's not hungry." Kenny cut in.
"She needs to eat. She's nursing two babies." Christa said. "Clem, please eat."
Clementine frowned, "I don't want to…"
"Well, you have to. You're not leaving this table until you clear half that bowl." Christa said.
The girl kept her frown as she glared at the bowl. She only wished they understood how anxious it made her to eat. She dreaded sitting down to meals."
"Did you girls have fun today?" Sarita asked, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah." Sarah said. "It was nice playing cards."
Danielle nodded. She still felt nervous around the group, but she was getting used to them.
"I'm glad. It's good to see you playing, Clem." Sarita said.
"I thought I wasn't supposed to play though... Since... I feel like a grown-up now..." Clementine said.
"You're not exactly a grown-up, Clem." Christa said.
"Well... I feel grown-up..." Clementine said. "Plus... "he"... he said he made me a woman..."
Danielle cringed at that. It wasn't the same wording that the bandit used, but it was close enough.
"Well you're not a woman. You're a child." Christa said. "He lied to you."
"Okay..." Clementine said.
Danielle shifted in her seat, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
Edith noticed this and decided to try to change the subject. "How are you all settling in here?"
"We're doing okay... considering..." Kenny said.
"We were... staying at a town before we came here... But we were attacked. Most of the group got split up... I just hope the others are okay..." Sarita said.
"I'm sure they are." Edith said.
"I doubt it..." Becca huffed.
"They have to be alive." Sarah said.
"What makes you say that?" Becca asked. "If they were alive, why haven't they found this place yet?"
"They don't know where we're at. They're probably looking for us." Sarah said.
"I guess we'll see..." Becca said. "But you shouldn't get your hopes up."
"I hope they find us..." Clementine spoke up. "I hope Luke does at least..."
"It's best to be optimistic." Edith said.
"Yeah... You're right." Sarita said.
"I'm surprised you're playing too. I remember when you first got here, you didn't want to talk to anyone." Kenny said to Danielle.
"Really?" Sarita said. "Are you shy, sweetie?"
"That's one way to put it." Edith said. "She didn't say a word for two weeks when I first started looking after her."
Danielle felt a bit awkward and even more so when Kenny asked, "Why's that?"
"Well... she lost her family and a group of people who looked after her... It only makes sense that she was very withdrawn by the time she came here." Edith said. She left out the real reason why Danielle was so withdrawn.
"We all lost people." Becca said. "I lost my sister, thanks to... nevermind..."
"It's a bad world out there... Only thing we can do is hope it gets better." Edith said.
"It was my fault..." Clementine suddenly said. "What happened to her sister..."
"It wasn't your fault, sweetie... You passed out. You couldn't help that." Sarita said.
"She's right. Blaming yourself isn't going to help anything." Edith said.
"But it was my fault." Clementine said. "She got bit thanks to me..."
"It's not your fault. And if you had gotten bit, you would be dead and so would your girls." Christa said. "So be thankful that didn't happen..."
"She does have a point." Edith said.
"I am thankful... But I feel bad too." Clementine said.
"I know." Christa said.
"We should try to focus on more positive things… Which is why I was thinking, why don't we have a picnic." Sarita said.
"A picnic? Are you serious?" Becca scoffed. "I'm too old for that crap."
"You're never too old to have a picnic." Sarita said.
"But it's not warm enough outside for a picnic." Christa said. "I wouldn't want the kids getting sick."
"Perhaps not yet, but it would be nice once the weather warms up." Edith said.
"That would be fun." Sarah said.
"More like a waste of time." Becca said."
"It's never a bad idea to take time to relax. We have to take moment to enjoy life and the people we love." Sarita said.
"You get too comfortable and that's when bad shit always happens." Becca replied.
"Not always. You can't be so negative all the time." Sarita said.
"Realistic. I'm being realistic. Just cause everyone around me lives in fantasyland doesn't mean I have to." Becca said.
"I'm done. Can I be excused now?" Clementine suddenly asked.
Christa looked to see the girl had finished half her food as she had told her. "Where are you going?"
"To check on the twins." Clementine answered.
"You just checked on them not long ago." Danielle pointed out.
"I uh, I think I hear them crying." Clementine said.
"I don't hear them." Sarah said.
"I'm going to check on them anyway." Clementine stood carefully. "I'm just trying to be a good mommy."
The girl grabbed her crutches and headed off without another word.
"Is… she okay?" Edith asked.
"I don't know…" Christa sighed. "She's been off lately."
"Off how?" Kenny asked.
"Just different…" Christa said.
"I wasn't trying to upset her." Becca sighed. "When I mentioned Shel…"
Sarita started to speak, "I don't think you did-"
"You did." Christa cut Sarita off. "But something else is bothering her."
"What is it?" Sarah asked.
"I'm not exactly sure. I've tried talking to her, but she's been very standoffish. I'll have to try again." Christa said.
"Maybe if you stopped being so pushy with her, she would talk more." Kenny grumbled.
"I have to be pushy with her. You know how stubborn she can be." Christa said.
"She's as stubborn as a damn mule, but that doesn't mean that you constantly have to badger her." Kenny said.
"You don't know how hard it is taking care of three children!" Christa suddenly snapped. "Don't tell me how to raise her!"
"You weren't letting us help!" Kenny snapped back.
"Oh? So you wanna help now? You could have helped a long time ago! You should have help her before she was raped!" Christa hissed.
Danielle flinched at the word.
"Enough, both of you! There are children present!" Sarita called trying to calm the argument.
"No wonder why Lee asked Omid and I to look after her." Christa said under her breath.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kenny inquired.
"Exactly what it sounds like." Christa replied.
"The only reason Lee asked you is because he thought I was dead. He knew damn well I would protect that girl with my life." Kenny said.
"You didn't protect her very well!" Christa snapped.
"Neither did you. Are you forgetting who's care she was in when she got kidnapped by that Troy asshole?" Kenny shot back.
"If not for that meeting, she wouldn't have ever wandered off. Everyone was supposed to be helping look after her. But I was doing it all on my own!" Christa said.
"Both of you please stop, please!" Sarita pleaded.
As the argument continued the other decided to clear the room. AJ was crying at this point from the yelling.
"I'm full. Time to turn in…" Becca stood, sick of listening to the two adults argue.
"I'm done too." Sarah said.
"Sarah, Becca, can you two take AJ to the nursery?" Sarita asked.
The teens nodded. Sarah picked AJ up and they left the room.
Edith sighed. "I think it's time for us to head home too…" Edith paused as she noticed Danielle was up and heading to the door. "Danielle?"
"I… I want to go check on Clem first." Danielle said.
The little girl ran off to do so. Edith sighed once more before attempting to help Sarita calm Christa's and Kenny's argument.
Danielle checked Clementine's room first, finding the twins were asleep in their bassinet. However, Clementine was nowhere to be found. A bit confused, Danielle exited the room and started to walk back to Edith, however she paused as she passed a door, hearing someone violently vomiting in the bathroom.
Concerned, Danielle gave a knock on the door. "Clem? Are you okay in there?"
A couple moments passed before the door opened.
"Are you okay?" Danielle asked her friend.
"I'm fine…. Was just feeling a little sick." Clementine said.
"Oh… Are you feeling any better now?"
"Yeah, I'm good." Clementine said. "I… heard yelling… Are they fighting because of me?"
"It's not because of you, Clem." Danielle tried to reassure her friend.
"It's always because of me." Clementine said.
Danielle remained quiet, unsure of what to say.
"I'm sorry." Clementine said.
"For what?" Danielle asked."
"I'm sorry you had to hear that." Clementine said.
"It's not your fault." Danielle said.
Clementine didn't answer, she felt it was.
"I should go… Edith's probably waiting for me."
"Are you coming back tomorrow?" Clementine asked.
"Of course."
"Okay… I'll see you tomorrow, Dani." Clementine said.
"See you, Clem. I hope you feel better."
Clementine nodded, "Thanks."
Danielle headed back to Edith. Fortunately, the arguing had died down, but Danielle didn't care much. She was too worried about her friend.
Clementine was tossing and turning in her bed. Once again being tormented in her dreams by Carver.
The evil man had her twins, keeping them away from her. She searched around the hardware store for the babies, hearing their little cries grow longer and longer. They needed their mother.
She couldn't find them. She couldn't find them no matter how much she searched.
Panic struck her hard. "GIRLS!"
Clementine flinched awake. Her heart seemed to stop for a moment, then slammed against her chest in rapid, painful beats, temporarily driving away the memory of what had awakened her. She could feel that her pillow was wet, tear-soaked. Now fully awake, she could hear one of the twins crying.
Sighing in relief she forced her shaking body up and made her way to the bassinet which fortunately was close to her bedside.
Reaching blindly through the dark room, Clementine flinched on a small lantern which provided a bit of light.
"Shh..." Clementine hushed as she gently picked Crystal up, rocking the baby. "You'll wake your sister..."
Crystal's cries slowly started to die down a bit as Clementine rocked her.
"It's okay, mama's here..." Clementine continued to rock the baby for a moment, though the infant still whimpered. Clementine check her daughter's diaper. "Your pamper's not wet... Did you have a bad dream too? Or... maybe you're just hungry..."
She figured that could be it as she noticed the baby gnawing on her tiny hand. Clementine knew that meant Aleena probably would be waking up hungry soon as well.
Clementine wondered if it had already been almost four hours since the twins' last feeding. Had she really slept that long; she surely didn't feel like it.
When Crystal started whimpering again, Clementine decided that she should nurse the baby. As she fed the infant, she gently spoke to her. "Look, at you... You're perfect. You don't have to cry... I should be the one crying... Mommy won't let anything hurt you. Mommy will protect you forever…"
Clementine continued feeding the child and softly began humming the tune of rock-a-bye baby, until her daughter finally drifted back to sleep.
"I'm going on a diet." Clementine announced shocking the adults in her group.
"What?" Christa asked.
"I'm going on a diet." Clementine repeated.
"Why is that?" Christa asked.
"I discussed it with Promise last night. We both feel like it's a good idea." Clementine replied.
"Can you tell me why you both feel like it's a good idea?" Christa asked.
"Because, I need to lose some weight." Clementine said.
"Who told you that, sweetie?" Sarita asked.
"I just want to. It's perfectly normal for a woman to not like the way she looks after a pregnancy. I want to lose some weight." Clementine said.
"You don't need to lose weight. You're not fat." Christa said.
"I am too!" Clementine said. "From now on…. I'll only eat one meal a day."
"You don't need to diet." Christa said.
"Yes I do. I have to lose all the weight Crystal and Aleena gave me." Clementine argued.
"You've already been losing that weight." Christa said.
"You're not fat, sweetie. You're a perfect size. You don't need to diet. What's important is that you eat healthy." Sarita said.
"I don't want to eat at all." Clementine said.
"It's not negotiable you have to eat." Christa said.
"If I eat, I won't lose weight." Clementine argued. "I need to lose weight."
"No you don't." Christa sighed.
"I do. I do." Clementine chanted.
"Clementine, stop. Look at me. You are not fat." Christa emphasized each syllable.
"I am! I... I need to lose at least thirty pounds." Clementine said. "Or more."
"Clementine, come here..." Christa reached the child and hugged her. "You're not fat... Did someone call you fat?"
"...No... I just know I am." Clementine answered.
"If you wanna try dieting, go ahead." Kenny suddenly said, drawing the attention to him.
Christa shot him a glare. "Kenny-"
"I think you're gorgeous just the way you are, darlin', but I ain't gonna stop you." Kenny said.
"She doesn't need a diet. We already limit our food intake as it is." Chista said.
"If she wants to diet, let her." Kenny said. "Just gonna tell you though, diets are torture."
"Torture?" Clementine asked.
"Yeah. No point in torturing yourself, Clem." Kenny said.
Clementine took those words in, not sure what to think of them. She wanted to diet regardless… She would just have to see how it went.
Clementine did her best to maintain her "diet". Kenny and Sarita didn't think too much of the situation. The girl would eat at meals, though she usually didn't eat much. Kenny wasn't concerned he figured the girl wouldn't stick to the diet anyway. Little kids her age always spoke up nonsense.
Christa however was concerned and did her best to make sure the girl ate at least a little bit everyday. Clementine would only take a few dejected bites of whatever was put in front of her and then asked to go see her daughters.
Christa wasn't having that today. "Clementine, eat."
Clementine hadn't touched any of her food during their meal. She didn't seem interested. Her temperature was high. She was losing weight.
The group had been chattering nonstop while little Clementine only picked at her food. Sarah resisted the urge to ask her friend why she wasn't eating. She needed food to give her strength.
Clementine, eat something." Christa said.
"I'm not hungry..." Clementine muttered.
"You've been saying that everyday. You'll sit here until you eat." Christa said, putting her foot down.
"I'm not hungry right now. I'll eat later." Clementine said.
"Clem..." Christa shook her head with doubt. "Please, eat something."
"If… If I eat… will you help me with something?" Clementine asked after a moment.
"Sure. But I want you to clear your entire bowl." Christa said.
Clementine felt anxiety building in her stomach, as she slowly forced herself to take a bite of the tasteless rice in front of her.
She didn't even realize she had finished her bowl until Christa spoke up, "What did you need help with?"
"I… I wanted to do something nice for Dani… For her birthday. She said it's in December." Clementine admitted.
"Alright then, what did you have in mind?" Christa asked.
"I... wanted to make her something." Clementine said. "I don't know what though."
Christa hummed. "I have the perfect idea."
"Really?" Clementine asked.
"How about we make some cookies? Christa said.
Clementine frowned, of course it would involve food…
They began making cookies. It was much different from how Clementine would help her mother bake cookies a long time ago.
She and Christa used a skillet. The ingredients consisted of Sun-butter, applesauce as an egg replacement, and sugar.
Clementine was almost skeptical that they would be able to make cookies with the three ingredients. She was surprised that it actually worked.
Clementine had to admit that it was comforting… Being able to cook gave her a chance to be around for without eating. She had full control over the food.
She needed that control. She needed to be able to control something.
Clementine had been so happy playing with Danielle for the last few days, so Christa wasn't surprised to see Clementine's little face would light up when she heard the knocking at the door the next morning.
When Christa opened it, she was a bit surprised to see Patricia and Gill.
"Hello, we just wanted to stop by and check in. Word got around that little Leena was back home." Patricia said.
"Yeah. I'm glad we're finally home." Christa said. "Come on in."
"Where's Clem?" Gill asked.
"Right in the living room. You can play with her if you want." Christa said.
Gill nodded as he and Patricia stepped in the house.
"Gill!" Clementine beamed as she spotted her friend.
"Hey, Clem…" Gill said a bit quietly.
"Are you mad at me?" Clementine suddenly asked, looking a bit worried.
"No." Gill said. "Why?"
"Well… you haven't been hanging out with me…" Clementine said.
"I just had a lot on my mind." Gill said.
"Like what?" Clementine asked.
"My dad…" Gill muttered.
"Oh…"
"I wasn't trying to avoid you or anything." Gill said.
"Are you sure? You seemed upset at me…" Clementine said.
"I'm not. I told you I don't like seeing people play with weapons." Gill said.
"And I told you I wasn't playing… I was dead serious." Clementine replied.
Gill frowned. "I… I was worried about you."
"Worried? Why?"
"Because that was… dangerous…I thought you… were actually gonna shoot someone…and I know they're gonna try to get you back for what you did." Gill said.
"They can try all they want. But I warned them not to fuck with me." Clementine said.
Gill sighed. "Just be careful, Clem. Please."
"I will be." Clementine said.
"Good. How are you feeling?" Gill asked.
"Okay. Just tired. But I'm glad the twins are home." Clementine said.
"Me too."
"I've just been taking care of them and playing with Dani." Clementine explained.
Gill raised a brow. "Dani? Who's Dani?"
"She's my friend." Clementine said.
"Oh." Gill seemed to sigh in relief. "It's a girl."
"Yeah… Danielle's my friend." Clementine said.
"That's good. I was worried you… got another guy friend and... replaced me." Gill muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I wouldn't do that." Clementine said.
"I would hope not…" Gill said. "Sorry for not hanging out much. I just… couldn't stop remembering what happened to dad…"
"Maybe you have PTSD." Clementine suddenly said.
"What?"
"Christa told me I have PTSD. That's why I have nightmares… And flashbacks… Maybe you have PTSD too." Clementine said.
"What's that even mean?" Gill asked.
"It's… Umm… I don't know, but Christa said, some people get it after trauma." Clementine said.
"Oh…"
"I think Dani has it too…" Clementine said.
"Really? Is this Dani person nice?" Clementine didn't miss the slight hint of jealousy in his voice.
"She's been playing with me for a few days… since no one else was…" Clementine said.
"Well… I'll play with you now." Gill said.
"Okay…" Clementine said. "What do you want to play?"
"Whatever you want to play." Gill said.
"Let's play Uno!" Clementine said.
"Sure." Gill said.
"And Gill..." Clementine said.
"Yeah?"
"I missed you…" Clementine said.
Gill smiled. "I missed you too.
When Patricia and Gill had left the house they weren't expecting to see Edith and a young girl approaching.
Patricia smiled and spoke, "Edith, isn't this a surprise?"
"Hey, Patricia. How've you been?" Edith asked.
"Okay. Gill wanted to check in on Clementine." Patricia said. "Who's the little one?"
Danielle shyly hid behind Edith.
"This is Danielle. Dani, sweetie, you can say hi." Edith said.
Danielle opted to give a small wave.
"Hi, there sweetie, I'm Patricia. This is my son, Gill."
"Hey." Gill said.
"Sorry, she can be a little shy." Edith said.
"Oh, I understand." Patricia said. "Nice to meet you, Danielle. Maybe one day you, Clem, and Gill could have a play date."
Danielle frowned; she didn't know about playing with Gill.
"I'm sure Clem would like that." Edith said.
Danielle fought back a sigh.
"Alright. It's a date." Patricia said. "Come on, Gill."
The two walked away with Edith waving. Once they left Edith took Danielle's hand and led the child inside.
"Hey Christa." Edith said.
"Hey." Christa greeted back.
"Hi." Danielle said.
"Clementine's in the nursery." Christa said.
Danielle wasted no time running there. "Hey, Clem."
"Hey." Clementine said.
"I met your boyfriend…" Danielle said.
Clementine looked confused. "My boyfriend?"
"Gill?"
Clementine's face flushed. "He's not my boyfriend."
"Oh. That's good." Danielle said.
"Why's it good." Clementine asked.
"Because… boys only want one thing." Danielle said.
"Not all boys." Clementine disagreed.
"Most boys…"
"Gill's my friend. He doesn't just wanna fuck me." Clementine said.
Danielle cringed. "Can… You not say that word?"
"What word? Fuck?"
Danielle nodded in response. "I don't like that word…"
"Oh… I'm sorry."
"It's okay… I just don't think you should talk like that." Danielle said.
"Sometimes it just slips out. Sorry…" Clementine said. "Umm…" She pointed to a plate on her shelf. "I made those for you, as a birthday present. I don't know what day it is, but I wanted to do something nice for you."
"Thanks, Clem." Danielle went over and picked one up. "Are they peanut butter cookies?"
"Sun butter cookies." Clementine corrected.
"Sun butter?"
"It's made from sunflower seeds. I don't like peanut butter." Clementine said.
"Why not?" Danielle asked.
"Christa said it would make me sick when I was pregnant. Anything with peanut butter on it, crackers, or bread..." Clementine said. "I just... don't wanna risk it."
"Oh... Well, do you want one?" Danielle offered.
"Oh, no. I'm not hungry." Clementine quickly shook her head.
"Oh… Okay. Let's just save the rest for later." Danielle said. She ate one of the cookies enjoying the flavor.
Clementine nodded in agreement. Though she had no plan to eat one later. "Do you wanna play a game?"
"Sure."
"You can pick it." Clementine said.
"Okay." Danielle said. "Wanna play Connect four?"
"Sure."
Over the last few days Clementine had become completely focused on her weight. What she was eating, how skinny she was. Things shifted from friends and family to... herself. She started to distance herself, her social life was quickly changing.
She was convinced she was fat, useless, and disgusting. She thought that she would get fatter if she ate normally. Her obsession grew and she had become so paranoid that she restricted her food intake severely. In her mind she had two choices: starve or be fat.
No one could fix that she saw herself as fat.
She would compare herself to other people and she couldn't help but feel an immense amount of shame and distress each time she sat down for a meal. She forced herself to eat as little as possible.
She began to frequently check her body with her hands throughout the day. Clementine figured if losing a little weight was okay, losing a lot of weight would be better.
She restricted her food intake more and more and continued losing weight. She felt good. For once she felt in control. By focusing on not eating she was able to forget her anxiety, forget all other feelings.
She would get hungry, but she was getting used to the dull ache she felt after going hours with an empty stomach.
She was getting used to the burning in her throat that she felt each time she made herself throw up.
It became like an experiment to see how long she could go without eating or drinking anything.
Maybe if she didn't eat breakfast, she didn't need to eat lunch or dinner either.
She knew she was lying to herself and everyone else when she said she wasn't hungry, but she couldn't make herself eat.
Just the thought of food made her sick. No one understood how she felt.
No one really noticed.
Clementine thought it was crazy that the people closest to her, didn't even realize she was slowly starving herself.
Clementine suffered in silence. She was increasing becoming more and more isolated. She had no energy to play with her friends.
Even when Gill and Danielle came by, Clementine found herself so distracted as her mind raced with negative thoughts about herself. She always worried that her friends were judging her and felt so self-conscious around other people.
With her twelve-year-old fantasy of what friendship should be, she had hoped she, Gill, and Danielle would be best friends. However, that wasn't the case. Gill and Danielle didn't argue, quite the opposite actually, they competed with each other all the time for her attention. But Clementine didn't have the energy to give it to them.
Nor did she had interest in playing, she was too preoccupied with trying to avoid gaining weight. And she was happy with how quickly she was losing weight.
For days she had eaten scarcely anything at all. She would constantly force herself to vomit. It made her feel better afterward.
She concentrated on throwing up. She didn't think about anything else. The more she restricted her food intake, the more she would continue losing weight.
She felt good. For once she felt in control. By focusing on not eating she was able to forget her anxiety, forget all other feelings.
"Girls, dinner's ready." Christa let the children know.
"Oh… I'm not hungry." Clementine said.
Danielle frowned at this. "You have to eat…"
"I know… I'm just not hungry right now." Clementine said.
"Clem, we've talked about this." Christa said.
"No we didn't. You talked about this." Clementine said. "I've told you already, Promise and I are on a diet. You keep trying to force me to eat, but I keep telling you I'm not hungry."
"You have to eat Clem. How many times do we have to have this conversation?" Christa huffed.
"We don't have to have this conversation." Clementine said.
"Yes we do." Christa said. "You're putting your health at risk. And I cannot allow you to do that. I won't let you hurt yourself by not eating."
"I'm not hurting myself. This is what I want! No one ever cares what I want." Clementine said.
"You have to eat, or you'll die. That's how it works Clem. You eat you live. You don't… you'll get very sick. Honestly, I can't stand to see you like this." Christa said.
"Like what?" Clementine asked.
Christa just frowned, not offering an answer. "I'm bringing a doctor."
Clementine wanted to protest but she knew it was no use.
True to her word, Christa had spoken to a doctor who visited the house.
Clementine resisted the check up at first but with Christa's urging allowed the doctor to look her over.
"You've lost weight since I last saw you." The man said.
"That's good, right?" Clementine asked.
"Well… it's not exactly bad. But I heard that you haven't been eating lately. Why is that?" The doctor questioned.
Clementine shrugged. "I'm on a diet."
"A diet?"
Clementine nodded.
"It's okay to want to lose a little weight, but you don't have to avoid food all together. Besides you're in an okay weight range." The doctor said.
"I'm still fat from being pregnant. I want to make myself skinny." Clementine said.
"And you can. With exercise and good eating habits." The doctor said. "You're not fat though."
"I don't like food." Clementine said.
"Why don't you like food?" The doctor asked.
"It makes me sick." Clementine said. "And it makes me sad."
"How does food make you sad?" The doctor questioned.
"I don't know… It just…does…" Clementine said. "I wish I never had to eat again."
"Unfortunately, that can't happen. People need food to live. You do know that. It gives our bodies energy. And makes it so you can play with your friends during the day." The doctor said.
"I don't need to play. I need to take care of my twins." Clementine said.
"Well, in order to do that you need to take care of yourself too." The doctor said.
"I know…"
"Can you promise me you'll do that?" The doctor asked her.
She didn't want to promise because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep that promise. She didn't want to be a liar. "I… I'll try."
"I hope so… I'm gonna hold you to your word." The doctor said.
Clementine nodded.
"I'll check back in, in a few days. You two take care." The doctor said.
"We will. Thank you…" Christa said.
"You're welcome." The doctor said. "You be good now, Clementine."
Clementine frowned wondering if she had been naughty. "I will…"
"Clem, can I ask you something?" Danielle asked as the two sat together coloring in a coloring book.
"Sure, you can." Clementine said.
"…Have you been sick lately?" Danielle asked.
"Hmm? What would you think that?"
"I just, hardly see you eat. You're barely ever eat." Danielle said.
"I'm just… hardly ever hungry." Clementine said.
"You always say that. How come you're never hungry?" Danielle wondered.
"I'm just not hungry in the mornings." Clementine said.
"Or in the afternoon, or evening?" Danielle asked. "Come on, Clem. You hardly ever eat."
"I do eat. It's not like I'm starving. Why are you asking me this?"
"Because I'm worried. And it does seem like you're trying to starve yourself." Danielle said.
"I'm not starving myself. What do you know?" Clementine scoffed.
"I know that I'm worried about you." Danielle said, frowning at her friend's sudden anger.
"Well, don't be!" Clementine said before storming off.
The rest of the day it had been awkwardly quiet between the two girls. Danielle couldn't help but feel bad.
"Clem, talk to me, please." Danielle begged.
"What's there to talk about?" Clementine asked.
"Are you okay?" Danielle asked.
"Why wouldn't I be?" Clementine questioned back.
"I… I don't know… You've been acting different lately." Danielle said.
"How so?"
"We hardly play anymore…. We don't really spend much time together." Danielle said.
"I'm sorry. I've just been busy lately. Taking care of the twins and all." Clementine shrugged.
"But you don't play even when you're not taking care of them." Danielle said.
"I know, I'm just focused on more adult things right now." Clementine said.
"Adult things? You're still a kid, you know." Danielle replied.
"I'm not a kid. I haven't been a kid for a long time." Clementine argued.
"…Do the adult things include that list you made in your sketch book." Danielle questioned.
"Actually yes. I'm using it to keep track of my diet." Clementine stubbornly replied.
"Why are you on a diet? I still can't understand that. You're not fat at all." Danielle said.
"To lose weight." Clementine said.
"So you're starving yourself to lose weight?"
"I'm not starving myself. I told you already." Clementine groaned.
"You always say you're not hungry." Danielle said.
"Because I'm not! That doesn't mean I'm starving!" Clementine snapped.
Danielle flinched a bit, "I'm worried about you, I know you told me not to, but I can't help it."
"Why can't you?" Clementine scoffed.
"Because you're my friend, Clem. I care about you. You're my best friend, my only friend. I don't want anything bad to happen to you." Danielle said.
Clementine softened her tone. "Nothing bad is going to happen to me, Dani. I'm sorry I worried you. And I'm sorry I haven't been playing with you much, but we can play now?"
"Are you sure?" Danielle asked.
"I'm sure. What do you wanna play?"
"Can we play Sorry?" Danielle asked.
"Sure." Clementine said.
Danielle gave a small smile and stood. "I'll grab your crutches."
"Thanks, Dani." Clementine stood only to be hit by a sudden wave a dizziness.
Danielle grabbed her friend's crutches before turning to her. A look of concern crossed her face as she noticed her friend had her eyes screwed shut and a hand clutching her head. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"I… I don't know… I just got dizzy all of a sudden." Clementine said.
"Do you want me to get Christa?" Danielle asked.
Clementine shook her head, "N-No. I'm fine…"
"You sure?" Danielle asked as she handed over the crutches.
Clementine gave a small nod.
Danielle furrowed her brows. "Maybe you should rest."
"N-No… I… I wanna play Sorry."
Danielle was concerned by how slurred the girl was speaking. "We can play after you rest."
Clementine shook her head. "I…said I'm fine, Dani… I'm…f-"
Danielle's eyes widened, "CHRISTA!"
Clementine groaned as she awoke, trying to force herself into sitting position.
"Take it easy, Clem." Christa gently pushed the girl to lay back down.
"What happened?" Clementine asked.
"You passed out." Christa answered.
"Passed out?" Clementine echoed.
"Yeah. You're a bit warmer than usual. Why haven't you told me you were feeling sick. Is that why you haven't had much an appetite lately." Christa asked.
"Oh… Yeah…" Clementine said. "Yeah. I think so. I didn't think it was anything serious... Just a cold."
"You wouldn't be passing out if it wasn't serious." Christa said. "Just let me know if you feel any worse. I'll go get the doctor."
"I'm fine. I just... need some rest."
"Alright, rest then." Christa said.
"Wait… where's Dani?" Clementine asked.
"Edith came to pick her up a little while ago." Christa said.
"Oh. How are the twins?" Clementine asked.
"They're fine. Don't worry. You just take it easy and rest." Christa said. "Kenny and Sarita are helping look after them."
"I can't take it easy… I… I need to take care of my girls." Clementine said.
"You need to rest… You're exhausted and sick. The twins will be fine." Christa said.
Clementine frowned but nodded.
"I'll check back in on you later. Try to get some sleep."
"…Okay."
Her friend looked exhausted, weakened. Danielle offered the girl a small smile, trying to hide her look of worry. "Hey… How are you feeling?"
"Okay…" Clementine spoke in a gentle voice.
Danielle knew Clementine's quietness had nothing to do with disinterest, her friend just didn't have the energy to carry on a conversation. "You don't seem okay…"
"I'm fine, Dani…" Clementine whispered.
"You're pretty far from fine, Clem. If you're fine why did you pass out? Are you sick?" Danielle asked.
"I'm not sick."
"Christa said you were. Why would you be passing out if you're not sick?"
Clementine sighed, "I don't know... But believe me, I'm okay."
"I can't believe that." Danielle said. "Tell me what's wrong.
"Nothing's wrong."
"That's not true. Please tell me. I wanna help you." Danielle said.
"Help me how?" Clementine inquired. "By running and telling Christa?"
"Telling what?" Danielle said.
Clementine answered before she could stop herself. "That I've been making myself throw up!"
Danielle's eyes widened. "You've been what?"
"N-Nothing... Forget I said anything…"
Danielle frowned, but decided not to comment. "I… I'll let you get some rest, Clem."
Clementine didn't offer a response.
Danielle made her way from the room, leaving the door cracked. She went to find Christa, fortunately she didn't have to look far as the woman was sitting on the couch.
"Christa, can I talk to you?" Danielle asked.
"Sure, you can. What is it?" Christa asked back.
Danielle nervously bit her lip debating on what to say. "It's… about Clem."
Christa straighten up. "What it is? Is she okay?"
Danielle simply shook her head. Clementine was definitely not okay. "Clem… Clem told me she's been forcing herself to throw up…"
Christa was shocked to hear that, but it did explain why Clementine was losing weight and getting so sick suddenly. Christa decided the rest of the group should know about this.
Everyone gathered in the kitchen as Christa spoke. "You all know, Clementine's not doing well."
"Of course not. She never eats anything." Kenny huffed.
"I know…" Christa muttered. Her speech, when it did come, was matter of fact, her voice surprisingly steady, but alert and a bit fearful. "I think she has anorexia."
"Anor-what?" Becca asked.
Christa had to remind herself that Sarah and Becca were probably just starting middle school when the apocalypse broke out. She couldn't expect them to know what terms like "anorexia" meant. "It's... an eating disorder."
"I thought you had to be super skinny to have an eating disorder." Sarah said.
"What's wrong with losing some weight? Most woman want to after they have a baby." Becca said.
Christa furrowed her brows and asked Becca, "Did you tell her she was fat?"
"Huh?" Becca asked.
"Did you tell Clem she was fat?" Christa repeated.
"Of course not. I just… said I was surprised that she was worried about how much her body changed with the pregnancy." Becca said. "I didn't mean anything wrong by it."
"Look, no one's to blame here…" Sarita spoke up. "What we need to do now is figure out how to help Clementine."
"Ain't it simple. We just get her to eat." Kenny said.
"It's not simple. I've been trying to get her to eat, and she's been throwing it up behind our backs." Christa said.
"Maybe she's just been sick." Kenny said.
"She's making herself sick!" Christa said. "She forces herself to throw up."
"Maybe she's just sick of the food you feed her." Kenny grumbled.
"You're not taking this seriously!" Christa snapped.
"Of course, I am! I care about Clem as much you do!" Kenny snapped back.
"Then why are you taking this so lightly?" Christa inquired. "Eating disorders are a big deal!"
"Please stop arguing. Clementine hates when you guys argue…" Danielle piped in.
Christa sighed. "Okay… We need to figure something out. Clem needs help. And we all need to support her."
"Which means we shouldn't argue…" Sarita said. "Or blame one another. We just have to help her get better."
The others nodded.
When Gill dropped by Becca answered the door and simply told him Clementine couldn't play today.
"I know… Mom told me she was sick, so she said I should bring some soup." Gill said.
"She is sick… But it's not a cold." Danielle told him.
"What is it then? Is she okay?" Gill was getting worried now.
"She… She's been making herself sick?" Sarah spoke.
"How could she make herself sick?" Gill asked.
"She… She hasn't been eating… And when she does, she… makes herself throw up…" Danielle said.
"What? No way. Why would Clem do something like that?" Gill asked.
"She thinks she needs to lose weight." Danielle said. "She kept calling herself fat."
"Clem's not fat. She's perfect…" Gill trailed off blushing a bit.
"You like her, don't you?" Danielle suddenly asked.
Gill paused a moment before speaking, "Is it… wrong if I do?"
"I guess not…" Danielle said. She didn't know how to feel about it though. She had a hard time trusting guys.
"Do you think I can see her?" Gill asked.
"Probably… She's sleeping right now."
"Oh… Well, I don't want to disturb her…" Gill said. "Just give her this for me." He handed Danielle the can of soup.
Danielle took the soup but arched a brow. "She's doesn't have a cold…"
"I know… It's just a gift…" Gill said. "She can eat it when she feels better."
"I'll give it to her." Danielle said.
"Thanks."
Clementine had been on bedrest for two days and Becca couldn't feel more guilty. Still she couldn't bring herself to see the younger girl. Everyone else would sit in the room and talk to Clementine throughout the day, but Becca avoided doing so. Clementine was sick because of her, that was all she could think about.
Becca sat on the couch; face buried in her hands. She could hear the twins' gentle coos and they were in their baby rockers not far from her.
"Are you okay, Becca?" Sarita asked.
"No… I feel like an asshole…" Becca sighed as she moved her face from her hands.
"You've done nothing wrong, sweetie." Sarita said.
Becca opened her mouth to speak but stopped as Christa entered the room. "How's Clem?"
"She's still resting." Christa said.
"How is she feeling?" Becca asked.
"She's okay… I got her to eat a little bit." Christa said.
"…This is my fault…" Becca mumbled.
"It's not your fault, Becca…" Sarita said.
"It is. If I hadn't said anything to her, she would have started starving herself." Becca said.
"It's not your fault; eating disorders are complex illnesses. Her mind and body are not well. One person doesn't cause an eating disorder. There has to be another component. Clementine has anxiety and is depression-prone… Not to mention, Clementine has faced a lot of trauma…" Christa said.
"I just don't understand why she would do this to herself." Becca said.
"It's the same reason why she was cutting." Christa said. "Eating disorders are more complicated than just not eating. It's her negative thoughts and feelings that fuel the damaging behaviors. Restricting food is used to feel in control. She thinks she's in control but she's not, anorexia is."
"So what do we do?" Becca asked.
"We just got to be patient with her and help her get better." Sarita said.
"We should hold an intervention." Christa said.
"An intervention?" Becca asked. "Like they do for people hooked on drugs?"
"It doesn't always have to involve drugs…" Christa said. "Interventions are supposed to help people realize that their living a damaging lifestyle. The people who love them help them see that."
"She's not going to want to come to an intervention." Sarita said.
"I know she's not…" Christa said.
"I… think I have an idea…" Becca said.
The two women looked to Becca.
"Sarita… remember how you wanted to have a picnic?" Becca asked.
"Yes…" Sarita waited for her to continue.
"Maybe we could do that… tomorrow…" Becca said.
When Clementine woke, she felt her heart drop as she noticed the twins were no longer in their crib.
Slowly getting up she grabbed her crutches which were leaned on the wall. She made her way out the room. The house was so quiet, she was nervous. Where did everyone go? Had they all abandoned her?
"C-Christa?"
No answer.
The girl continued through the house until she came to the living room. She was surprised to see the group gathered in the living room. Edith and Danielle, as well as Patricia and Gill were there.
A blanket was laid on the ground with different foods on it, set up like a picnic.
"What's going on?" Clementine said.
"Oh, we just thought it'd be nice to have a picnic." Kenny spoke up. "We were waiting for you to join us."
"I'm not hungry." Clementine said.
"We know you are, sweetie… You just don't want to eat." Sarita said.
"That's not true! I do want to eat, but I can't!" Clementine snapped. "None of you know anything! None of you give a damn about me!"
"We do care about you, Clem. That's why we want to help you." Sarita said.
"I don't need help." Clementine said.
"You do need help. You're starving yourself." Christa said.
"Telling me to eat isn't help!" Clementine exclaimed.
"I know, Clem. Believe me, I know…" Christa said.
"Then… why are you doing this to me?" Clementine asked, feeling tears fill her eyes.
"We're only trying to help you, Clem…" Christa said. "You're killing yourself…"
"I…I'm not." Clementine said.
"You are, Clementine. You are and you know it. Do you really want to leave your little girls? Your babies?" Christa asked.
"N-No… I don't want them to grow up without their mommy…" Clementine said.
"None of us want that. They need their mommy." Christa said. "You're not just hurting yourself. You're hurting us too..."
"The pain will be too much for me if you die." Clementine said.
"You're in a dark place, but it will get better. You just have to fight, Clem." Christa gently said.
"I'm tired of fighting…" Clementine sniffled.
"You have to keep fighting for your girls. You have two little girls to take care of, to protect. To teach how to be strong just like their mommy." Christa said.
"I don't feel strong." Clementine said.
"You're the strongest person I know." Christa said. "You have your whole life ahead of you, but you're throwing it away, I can't let you do that. If you're strong enough to starve yourself, then you can be strong enough to eat."
Clementine's gaze fell to the food. She could already feel her heart pounding.
"Can you eat something? Just a little." Sarah asked her.
Clementine frowned.
"One bite… We had this picnic for you." Becca spoke up.
"I c-can't…" Clementine choked.
"We made you cookies…" Danielle said.
Clementine felt as if she was hit with dejavu. "I…"
"Gill and Christa helped me." Danielle said.
Gill gave a nod.
"Just one bite…" Christa urged.
"…Okay…" Clementine couldn't help but remember that day with Sandra. Clementine accepted one of the cookies and hesitantly took a sing bite.
"We're not gonna push you to eat anything. But how about we just sit together?
"It wouldn't be fun without you, Clem."
Clementine looked around. "Okay."
"Sit near me." Danielle took her friend's hand. Clementine obliged.
They continued their picnic, enjoying each other's company.
It was relaxing and peaceful. They talked, joked, and laughed. Clementine even nibbled on a few crackers.
"Look!" Sarah pointed to the window and the others looked over. Snow had begun to gently fall as they watched from the window. AJ was giggling in Kenny's lap. The twins were fast asleep in their rockers. And for the first time in a long time Clementine felt completely at peace.
Clutching her friend's hand with her head laid on Gill's shoulder Clementine soon drifted to sleep.
Christa noticed this and gave a small smile. She knew there would be ups and downs, bad days and setbacks, but moments like this gave her reassurance that everything was going to be alright.
