Chapter 245: Goodbye Harry Part 3
Warning: suicide, self-harm, depression, panic attacks. Read at your own discretion
AN: (bolded italics are Alegria's memories. Italics are Ale's memories. I hope this distinction brings some clarity.)
I looked around the recreation center. There were so many people pacing here and there, trying to sit up the funeral. I didn't think so many people would show up today, but then again, Harry was a known council member in the reservation. It makes sense if hundreds of people came today. I wasn't sure where to go, so I started walking around. Checking each room to see if I can find Kim. I couldn't find her. Where is she?
Then, when I saw a picture frame of Harry with stands of flowers next to the frame, I was thrown again to another memory.
'Abuela Eva. I'm back.' The moment that I muttered those words, I started to weep bitterly. I knelt in front of her grave with me in my graduation gown as the wind blowing me so hard that I almost lost my cap. I had won honors, medals for my achievements, but I have no one to share them to. I had no family to congratulate me when I walked up the stage during my graduation ceremony. I had to drive back to the reservation in my gown alone. The whole drive back to the reservation, I was hurting. The more I thought about it, the more the anguish starts to eat me more and more.
But, I finally did yet, why do I feel so empty? Shouldn't I feel happy? I accomplished what I wanted. However, all I feel is sorrow and pain. I cried and wallowed in tears. No one would've dared come to the cemetery at this time and day, so I can cry without shame. The more I cried in the cemetery, the more I felt my deep loneliness.
I staggered and held onto the door frame. I felt sweat dripping down on my face. Why am I feeling the memories so intensely? I knew Grandma Eva's death put Alegria to the edge, but I didn't think it was this bad. I underestimated the impact. Funerals are so closely attached to her terrible memories that any reminder of the funerals, I am feeling her emotions and suffering as if she was still here. I guess it is because I am inhabiting her body, so I am relieving her memories. I don't know if I would be able to stand straight during the funeral ceremony. Since the funeral ceremony is going to be grand, it might be long.
Would I be able to tolerate it? Slowly, I started to get scared of myself. I need to get out, move somewhere..anywhere.
I was by mother's grave that was beside Grandma Eva's grave. I can never reclaim my mother's ashes back from Houston, or else I would be caught and be tortured to death just like mom. All Grandma Eva and I could do was to give a tombstone for mom. When things get tough, I come here and cry in front of the grave.
What is the point of achieving greatness in life if I have no one to share it to except the dead?
"It's time to go." I heard Chief Billy muttering quietly behind me. I didn't even flinch from his voice. I stood there, looking at the covered grave. Grandma Eva's cast was finally in the ground. Everyone had said their goodbyes, but I felt cold and weak. I had no strength to walk away.
I gasped out of the memory, and when I was back in reality, I winced from the sharp pain coming from my head.
I-I can't do it. The more I keep falling into these memories, the more it gets harder to come to reality and the more pain and suffering that I experience from these memories. I looked around frantically to find a place to hide. I have seen people giving me concerned expression, then I saw the sign of the girl's bathroom.
Perfect!
I can go wash my face and try to calm myself down. I staggered my way into the girl's bathroom. I went towards the first sink that I could and clenched onto it with dear life. I saw how I went to check how I look by the mirror, and I saw that my face was pale and sweaty. I looked so ghastly that now I am getting more concerned by the minute. With trembling hands, I tried to splash water in my face. I got my shirt, but I didn't gave a damn at this point. I was just desperate. I dried my face and I tried to calm my breathing by breathing slowly.
In and out. In and out.
I tried so hard not to think about what Alegria had suffered. However, the moment I thought about it, I was thrown into another memory.
When is the end of this suffering? I keep facing death again and again. If death wants me that badly, then so be it. I have nothing to lose and nothing else to live for. I had fulfilled my family's wishes, and I am so damn tired. I just want to rest again. It seemed like since Abuela Eva died, the more and more anguish has been eating me alive. I was able to push through after graduation, now I am submerged in it. I have no more strength to fight this battle anymore.
Then so be it. I had enough.
I felt tears falling down my face. All of this agony, I couldn't hold stop it coming in waves. I was feeling her feelings. Who wouldn't cry from the sheer torment that Alegria felt? It was like something exploded inside of me. I started to sob more and more. I was crying for her and for myself. I started to panic. It was like I was losing control of her memories.
No. I slapped myself across the face. I can't panic now. I need to fight against this or else I would lose myself into her memories.
I can't do it anymore. I want to rest. The idea of suicide has become more and more pleasant by the day especially when I live in this big, empty home all alone. I'm reminded every day of the family that I lost as I live in this house. All of my memories with Abuela Eva, it only torment me even more.
As I continued to relieve her memories, the more panic and terror started to really sink into me. I no longer feel control of myself. I felt myself collapse on the ground in the bathroom. I push myself against the wall, and I put my head between my knees.
I was feeling helpless and terrified of my body. I just want it to stop These aren't even my memories, so why I have to face the consequences of them. Fuck. Maybe I should just let it come to me and grit my teeth through them. Maybe that way, it would finally stop. I tried to rationalize through my erratic thoughts and feelings. The way I positioned myself, it made the experience much worse. It feels like I was losing air in my chest. Oh, no. Am I hyperventilating?
I was hit another memory.
The rope was rubbing tightly around my neck as I was dangled up on the air. I didn't think I would struggle even to death. I thought I made the rope less spacious enough, so I would die instantly. Nothing has gone as I want and even when I am dying, things are not going to plan.
I struggle as more and more of my bodily function starts to lose strength. I could feel my lungs slowly collapsing. Despite of the severe pain that I am experiencing, the more excitement that I feel.
Yes! Finally, I will be free. I can see mi mama, papa y abuela Eva. I closed my eyes with tears dripping down on my face as I let out my last breath.
I screamed in agony.
I'm suffocating. I cant breathe! I can literally feel the rope around my throat. Am I actually feeling this or is this all my head? I don't know! I lost sight with what was the memory and what was reality. I started to scratch my throat, desperate as I cried desperately to find release from all of this torment. I felt something dripping down in my hands.
I don't know, I just feel this urge to keep scratching. I want this tight pain in my throat to go away. Am I still in the memory or back in reality? Whatever it was, I just want the pain to go away. I can't breathe!
I don't know what's going on around me. There were too many noises, voices and it just edged me further into the deep hole that I was falling into. I feel like I was falling more and more by the minute, and I can't find the way out.
Am I going to die? Again?
No, I want to live! I felt something warmed grab hold of my hands, and whatever it was, it like a shot of energy went through my body. It scared me enough that I could inhale a breath into my constricted lungs. I was gasping loudly to breathe in air, but I couldn't see whats in front of me. I still see everything blurry whether it is because I am reliving a memory or my eyes were clouded from crying , I don't know.
All I know was that I don't want to die. I-I don't want to die again.
I was running back to H-E-B. I had forgotten my wallet back at the cashier. It was raining heavily, and I was running back with an umbrella in my hand. I heard loud screeching from the distance with horns blaring loudly towards my direction. I turned around to see and I saw the white dodge heading straight for me. Because of the heavy rain, I couldn't see the driver. It was coming for me so fast that I didn't have enough time to jump out of the way. I was immediately slammed against the truck. I felt myself being thrown few feet up in the air with my umbrella being dropped out of my hand. When I fell, I was slammed against the concrete. I was thrown into the ground so hard that I felt wetness from the back of my head, and I knew I was losing blood. I was shivering not from the rain but from the shock, and I couldn't get up.
I felt helplessness overwhelming at that point. I wanted to scream, yell for help, but I couldn't use my throat. All air was sucked out of my chest and when I tried to suck in a breath, I was immediately struck with pain in my back. I felt myself losing consciousness when I vaguely hear the truck getting closer to me then
Everything went black
I screamed in pure agony. Tears were running down on my cheeks. I feel my throat getting sore from all the screaming. I want to stop screaming, but I couldn't. I had to let all of this out or else I would continue to hurt myself. I could feel hot warm hands holding me by the shoulders tightly, trembling. I didn't realize there were many people around me and people calling for my name.
I just couldn't snap out whatever I was in. The pain and suffering of dying. It was my first time remembering the day I die and the day Alegria died. I don't know whose pain I was feeling, but I was feeling everything all at once.
It was just too much. Too much. I can't process it all.
It was like I was facing the total darkness when I and Alegria died. That scary darkness. I never want to experience that again. It was so terrifying, cold and lonely. Looking into that darkness, It felt like my mind was splitting. The more I keep replaying that black void, my mind feels like its splitting even more now. No matter how much cried and scream, I couldn't escape this tremendous terror, agony, and fear.
I cried, "make it stop please.."
I continue to wail tearlessly. I cried so much that I couldn't produce anymore tears.
I said hyperventilating as I clutched my hair tightly with my hands, "I don't want to die."
I didn't know if someone was there or not, but I cried, "I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die. Why. why me? why I had to suffer? Why everyone left me? Why did I have to leave everyone?"
I sobbed even more then I felt like I was push against someone's chest. Instead of comfort, I felt my anxiety increase tenfold. I felt like I was being suffocated again. All of the anxiety, I can't resolve it my own. It needs an outlet. I immediately bit down on whatever was in front of me hard. I could feel it was warm. I felt my hands held tightly by something very warm and huge. It prevented me from clenching my hands so tightly that my nails would dig deep into those hands.
Then, I froze. I heard many gasps around me. It got quiet around me. My head started to pound so hard to the point that I somehow starting to notice my surrounding. Within the cloudy vision from my tears, I started to gain some clarity of my environment.
I blinked rapidly, and as I continued to blink; I was able to realize what's going on around me.
I'm..in someone's embrace. There were multiple people standing few feet away from us. I still couldn't really make out who is who just yet. My jaw started to ache from me biting widely onto someone's chest. I slowly pulled my mouth out and my mouth taste bitterly of salt. I felt nauseous immediately, so I threw up on the person's lap. I was dry heaving, when I felt a hand going through my back and someone saying something in Quileute above me. I guess I was throwing up from all the panic and anxiety.
When I lost the strength to even dry heave, I went limp in that person's lap. I was still breathing very shallowly, and my ears were ringing, so I winced in pain. I felt so weak that it takes all my strength to stay conscious. I leaned against the person's chest, and when I got the whiff of their scent, I knew immediately it was Sam.
Sam.
Knowing its him, it brought a small light of relief and peace.
I croaked, "..S-sam?"
I heard him murmur through his light sobs, "oh thank the spirts, you're back. I'm here."
I sobbed tearlessly, "oh, Sam.."
I feel so tired, guilty, ashamed. I don't know what I was feeling more of.
He shushed me tenderly almost like he is trying to reassure himself as well, "it's okay. It's okay. Let's not think about it anymore. I'm here."
I responded tiredly, "okay.."
He pat me gently on the back, "go rest, hon. I be here when you wake up again."
I nodded sluggishly as I drifted off into a deep, long sleep.
Author's Note:
Heavy stuff. Maybe because of the holidays or seasonal depression, but I am writing more during the holidays.
I wrote this with some experience of panic attacks, self-harm tendences, so if someone got triggered, I am sorry. I hope you find the support you need during this tough time.
Thank you for the kind comments! Its reassuring to see a comment at leasr every so often. It keeps me assured that I haven't lost the audience.
