Chapter 250: Accepting Reality

It's been a week since the funeral. I still haven't seen Seth, but Sam and I tried to make things normal as possible. Sam would go off to work with the guys, and I stay home or go to a local coffee shop to work online. Sometimes Sam goes to work later, so he would make breakfast and lunch for me, so I don't get overwhelmed with cooking for the both of us all the time. I appreciated that thought. The guys are trying to still cope with Harry's death in their own ways, so that is why I haven't seen them lately. It might take some time for the guys to come around to the house again where we can eat at our usual hang out in the weekends. Sam would also let me eat dinner alone to train Quil and catch up with the pack. I didn't mind eating for dinner alone occasionally. The pack still patrol, but not as frequently or excessively liked they used to. It's good to see that the pack can actually live their lives again.

Cooking isn't my greatest joy, and I do it because I have to. Then, to constantly cook for me and someone else, it eventually gets to me. I appreciate that even before I verbally say that I'm getting tired with cooking to Sam, Sam is already up and going in the kitchen. I see that Sam is getting better at reading me and my body language. I'm still learning on how to read Sam. Sam usually have a neutral expression and goes deep in thought at times. I learned to wait on Sam to tell me what's on his mind just as he waits on me as well unless I really feel something is off through his emotions.

Sam made breakfast one day. After I was done eating and I saw that Sam was almost close to finishing, that was when I finally talked about my panic attack during the funeral and what Old Quil and I spoke on that day. Sam listened attentively. He had his hands together on the table as he listened. He was very deep in thought, and he didn't show any reaction as I explained what happened. It was hard telling Sam because saying it out loud, it just reminds me of how less control that I have in my life and makes what happened even more real to me. The fact that I am going to suffer along with Alegria's memories randomly and just push myself through it without triggering my own memories…It's not easy to accept but I have to live with this..fact whether I like it or not. I guess I didn't process it completely like I've thought, but..I also feel less tense now that I finally told someone. Old Quil didn't count because he heard mostly from others. Anyhow, I didn't realize not saying it and keeping it my mind was weighing me down than I thought. I didn't mean to not tell Sam immediately, but I just..wanted to pull myself together and process it on my own first before telling Sam or anyone in general. Maybe..I also needed to say it out loud to actually process it completely.

I ..honestly forgot about that.

When I was doing therapy..back in my own life, my therapist would try to tell me my life and traumas and put it together into a long story. In the beginning, I would just say anything that comes to mind. I would ramble, going from one memory to another and etc. Then, with the help of my therapist who helped put all my thoughts and experiences together in one cohesive picture, I was able to slowly process what I went through and even move on from them. Of course, there were times when I cried, expressed my feelings regarding what I went through. Sometimes the memories would back when something triggers those memories, but I wouldn't fall into despair and deep depression that slowly destroys my building self-confidence and personality. Together with my therapist, I realized the way I can cope the best is saying my thoughts out loud or putting them into paper. It helps me to visualize what I have been thinking on my own so that I can cut off the negative thoughts and to show that I was just going in circles at times.

Since I am still trying to adjust that I had died once, I forgot that it's one thing to keep running through what happened in your mind and another thing, to say it out loud to someone …I wonder..if it's harder for me recollect my memories from my past life because I am inside another body. It makes sense though. It's easier to remember things when it's triggered by your five senses, but for me, I guess I have to work a little harder to remember things. Nevertheless, I am glad I finally told Sam. Now I remembered and know how good it feels to finally speak my mind, I am not going to hesitate with opening up to Sam next time. I can talk to Sam. He's my partner, my lover, imprint, and mate. I can be transparent with him as he has slowly been transparent with me.

Once I finished saying everything, I simply stared at the table. I didn't want to look at Sam because I knew if I did, all the tears would come back to me. I was tired of crying about myself. I was tired of feeling pity for myself. I don't want to be resentful. Even though logically I knew, my feelings haven't caught up just yet. I jumped when I was immediately pulled into hug from Sam. I was so deep in thought that I didn't notice he sat next to me. When I felt his loving embrace, all of my hard work to keep it together just went out the door. I started sobbing loudly. Sam held me tighter when I started sob.

I sobbed, "it's not fair, Sam."

He hummed.

"W-why do I have to go through so much just to live again?"

Sam stayed silent. He probably didn't know what to say in this situation. Who would? There isn't a manual of how to adjust to another life. All of the fanfics, webtoons and stories that I read so far, the female character adjusted pretty quickly over time. Yet here I am. Still sobbing about my life when I should be grateful. Sigh. Am I being too immature? I'm not as strong as those characters.

I'm just me.

Sam finally spoke. He gently pushed my curls from my ear, and he whispered close to my ear, "you're doing the best you can and that's all it matters."

He continues, "despite of everything you had went through, you are still here with me…I know..it's hard, but I thank the spirits every day for you.." I felt tears building up slowly again. "I thank them for your warm heart..your strength..thoughtfulness..and courage.."

Each time he added what he is thankful about, he gave me kiss on my cheek down to my neck.

I heard Sam paused, swallowing thickly, " I know..I didn't make things easier for you when you first came. I was an ass. I came onto you too forcibly and tried to use imprinting to justify my actions.."

I interrupted him, "but I didn't even tell you who I was. I held back who I really was from you."

I felt Sam shake his head, "regardless, it was still wrong."

He added, "I know you'll be okay. When it happens, I be here with you through her memories and panic attack. It'll hurt and sucks for a while, but I won't let you experience them alone..ever again regardless what's going on with me..No matter how many times you experienced them and cry about what happened, I don't mind listening to them all. I just want you be happy and live because you're worth it and you deserve it."

We stayed silent as Sam held me in his embrace. I was letting what he said sink to me, and somehow, I drifted off and fell asleep on his shoulder. I woke up with smelling food from the distance. I sluggishly got up from bed and walked to the kitchen to see Sam making lunch for me. He was grilling some chicken on the stove and when he heard me walk in, he gave me a big smile.

I smiled automatically and he asked tenderly with worried eyes, "Did you sleep okay, hon?"

I nodded and went by his side, Sam took a day off from work to stay with me, so I wouldn't feel lonely after having an emotional moment with him. I appreciated the thoughtfulness. We spent the whole day, going out to the local café and La Push beach. We actually ran into Jared. He took Kim out to the beach with little Amelia. They wanted to take a break from the usual routine. I let Sam go talk with Jared while I stayed with Kim. Kim and I updated each other on our lives and talk about how the funeral was for us. It was good to see Kim, and every time I see Amelia, I see her growing bigger and bigger.

It was starting to get late, so we all decided to grab dinner together just the five of us at a local diner. It wasn't the same as the one in Forks. It felt more Quileute. Thankfully, they had a English menu, so I was able to pick and order what I want. The diner was mostly elderly people. I didn't really see people from our age, but from the looks of the diner and the decorations, it's a family-owned restaurant even dated back to the late 1800s. I was amazed. We sat at a booth that was back of the restuarant for Kim's comfort and Amelia. It gave us some privacy from the rest of the people from the diner. From the knowing looks of the waitress and the cook who came by to give respect to Sam, I guess they too are the know of the secret. It got me thinking that maybe there are more people who knew the secret than I assumed to be.

Huh. It's interesting. Then again, I read the novels mostly from Bella's point of view. She really didn't get to know the pack nor the people in the reservation as deeply than I am getting now. It's nice to see and experience the tribe in a different light and perspective.

Alegria didn't get to adventure around the reservation. She was going through a lot emotionally. The loss of her mom and finding out the truth of her 'lavish' lifestyle came a cost of her mother. Then, meeting a grandma that she never has met until after her high school graduation just to have Grandma Eva immediately taken away from her. She didn't really tried to get to know the reservation, nor the people have tried to reach out to her either which pushed her more into loneliness and depression. The only person she really talked to was Grandma Eva. It's sad to know that she got a bad image from the tribe and died alone not knowing how much more there is to the Quileute reservation. Even though Alegria herself stated that she is happy that she committed suicide and don't have anything else to look forward in life, if she had known how much the reservation offers would she still committed suicide? It's a regretful thought, but since she already crossed over to the spirit world, she will never know.

While we were waiting for our food, Jared said joking, "you're acting as if you never came here before."

I responded awkwardly, "y-yeah.."

Some memories passed through my mind. I saw that Alegria never came to the diner. She has seen it when she passed by it, but she never got the courage to go in. Also, she didn't want to make effort to socialize with others.

Jared had a very confused face, and he exclaimed dramatically, "really?! You never came here?"

He was about to say something else until Kim cut in. She said quickly while eyeing Jared with her glaring eyes, "That's okay! You're here now to enjoy with us. I hope you like it here."

I nodded trying to move on with the conversation, "yeah. I'm excited with what I ordered."

Sam didn't say anything, but he rubbed my hand to comfort me. He knew I was anxious with responding this question. Beside that awkward moment, I had a good time at the diner in the reservation. The guys as usual, ate a lot, but Jared didn't let Sam and I pay for the meal. It was his treat to us, so it was nice gesture from Jared. He cracked some jokes and made us laugh. Then, we got the chance to hold Amelia. When Sam held Amelia, he held her with such gentleness and with a low purr to rock her to sleep. Once she fell into deep sleep, Sam gave her back to Kim. Thankfully everyone finished eating by then. We took it as a sign to leave and go home, so we all went to our separate ways.

Author's Note:

This chapter was partially angst and also a bit of fluff. It has been a lot of angst lately, so I wanted to lightened things up. The story is now going to move forward. For awhile, it got stuck on Harry's Funeral. I'll try to make a chapter once a week or at least once every week and a half. I work full time now, and I usually get home tired. I only have weekends to truly focus on my writing. Before, I was part time, so that is why I would post 2-3 times a week. Now..it's hard with work, and I'm sorry.

I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Thank you for the comments. I made the changes that I needed. I think I got them all. If I miss something, let me know, and I'll try to fix it as quickly as I can.

See You Guys Soon!