Chapter 90(orphan)
(Author's note, dear guest reviewer who wrote, "Why is this degenerate shit the only thing that gets regularly updated, wew," I would say that firstly I don't know why other works are not being updated more regularly, and second I would question how shamelessly self entitled you are to rudely insult my completely free story, whilst bitching to me about why you don't have other completely free stuff handed to you on a platter. Why don't you create a profile of your own and write your own damn stories if mine is so shit?, either that or pay actual money for the books that Black Library releases all the time. I might be showing my age a bit but I would personally recommend reading Gotrek and Felix books.)
Chaos Champion of Slaanesh Wendy Sevenson was feeling distinctly nervous as a Leman Russ battle tank loudly rumbled towards her. What fresh hell was this?!
Wendy had been bribing the police like crazy to make them leave her alone, but now it looked like the fucking PDF ARMY was coming to investigate now!
Waiting trucks in the traffic jam were scrambling out of the way of the approaching tank, and men were running away in a panic. This did not bode well...
Wendy fearfully stood her ground, and the tank rumbled to a halt in front of her warehouse.
The tank was a brutal thing, battle scarred with bullet dents, crumpled in places from past terrible explosions. The paint job was in a terrible state, the tracks old and worn from long use.
It was the average variety of Leman Russ battle tank, the sort with a turret battle cannon, a forward heavy bolter, and two side sponsor heavy bolters, with an old and worn out looking heavy stubber on a pintle at the top hatch of the turret.
Wendy flinched as the top hatch opened, and a man in civilian clothing poked his head out of the hatch?
"How much can I get for this tank?," the man in the tank asked enthusiastically.
"You people are UNBELIEVABLE!" Wendy exclaimed in shock.
"How much?," the man pressed.
"That depends on WHERE you got this tank! What if someone NOTICED this thing driving all the way here!" Wendy exclaimed indignantly.
"It is just an old damaged tank waiting to be scrapped for parts in a scrapyard a few districts away. I figured you might find a use for it helping the Imperial Guard fight the Eldar?," the man explained.
Wendy sighed in relief, it wasn't stolen from the local military just a scrapyard!
"I can give you 100 thousand credits for the whole tank," Wendy offered.
The man squawked in shock at the amount and agreed instantly.
Wendy quickly had the tank driven through the web way gate by her heretic servants, and gave the man 100 thousand credits in a bag.
The tank would be of little use in Low Commorragh, but the armies of chaos could never have TOO many tanks. It would be simply parked inside the Nightmare Asylum vehicle holds with their other tanks, better to have too many surplus tanks than too few, even crap like this could be useful in a battle one day.
The customers gradually recovered from their shock, and resumed buying endless truck loads of cabbages from her in cash.
The local gold market had been hit with a MASSIVE oversupply recently thanks to Wendy, and very few traders would buy it anymore, as they couldn't quickly sell it. Fortunately Wendy had cabbages as a backup commodity to sell for cash...
Temperis was a hive world under heavy Ork blockade from orbit, too strong for the Orks to defeat on the ground, and protected from orbital bombardment by potent defences like void shields and laser lance batteries to shoot down incoming bombs. The Orks couldn't defeat them (yet) in a standard fight, so they were instead starving the planet to submission with an orbital blockade.
In a situation like this, food was a PRECIOUS commodity indeed, and Wendy could charge outrageous prices and people would actually pay them. At least... She COULD if Adolf and Herman would LET her!
Well... Wendy was still making 20 credits per cabbage, the maximum Adolf would let her sell them for, just enough to still afford weapons when selling the cabbages by the thousands of tons each day. She was doubtless saving millions of lives by selling such huge bulks of the food, aiding and abetting the Imperium of Man!
Wendy pushed this horrific thought from her head, don't think about their politics, these were PEOPLE she was feeding. Wendy felt a strange feeling of moral satisfaction at the thought of saving so many people from starvation, it felt nice...
***...
Temperis imperial citizen Donald Obama was tired as he finished his meagre meal of strange black cabbage.
Donald was a night shift worker at a local lasgun factory, and had done a gruelling shift at work last night, just utterly exhausted.
Donald's kitchen was an utter mess, with the sink full of putrid soapy water that he kept reusing over and over again, weeks and weeks of soap scum and rotting food scraps floating in the turgid water. Donald had to admit that he really was a complete slob, probably why he didn't have a wife...
In the sink right now was everything he had used to prepare and eat his meal tonight, all soaking just under the putrid scummy surface. On the very top of this submerged pile of kitchenware was the revolting chopping board he had used to slice the cabbage, currently dotted with tiny little black chunks of raw cabbage that hadn't made it into the cooking.
The night period of the overhead lighting was ending now, and brighter overhead lights were blinking on in a bright glare to simulate daylight. Donald blinked as this bright light flooded his kitchen through a grimy window in front of the sink.
Donald yawned and went straight to bed, not bothering to shower. Like any self respecting slob he could happily go even an entire week between showering, having no women to impress or wife to nag him.
Donald's loud snoring filled the tiny putrid apartment flat.
The putrid unhygienic sink sat still and stagnant under the direct light from the outside overhead lights. It wasn't as bright as direct sunlight, not even close, but for the extremely efficient black photosynthetic pigments of a plant from the death world Tygo's Omega, it was more than enough.
The tiny little chunks of Tygo's Omega cabbage were quite happy with the nutrient rich stagnant puddle of water they found themselves in, and tiny hair-thin black roots began growing out of the cabbage chunks, greedily drawing in this bounty of putrid nutrients.
The light bathed over these black chunks through the turgid water, and thin black tendrils grew up out of the chunks, reaching eagerly towards the life giving light.
The tendrils flattened into black leaves, stretching and growing, poking up out of the water and absorbing ever more light. These black photosynthetic pigments were FAR more efficient than the wasteful green pigments of most plants, the black colour absorbed every single spectrum of visible light, and a few invisible spectrums too, getting the maximum energy possible from the light.
This efficiency allowed these budding plants to grow FAST, really REALLY fast, and the bigger they grew, the more light they absorbed, allowing yet faster growth.
Within the first hour, the few dozen small new plants had a distinctively "cabbage" shape, and they got bigger and bigger by the minute.
Soon the cabbages were competing for space and light, the outermost cabbages slowly but surely being pushed out over the kitchen bench around the sink, roots lengthening frantically to remain in the life giving filthy water.
The cluster of cabbages expanded so much that one fell over the edge of the sink bench rim, dangling from it's tangled roots, held up by the weight of all the other cabbages, roots desperately growing longer to not lose the water.
The dangling cabbage lowered to the floor on lengthening roots, now in a shadow, and it's leaves lengthened desperately to find the light again, getting even bigger than the others in the process.
The sink cabbage patch grew and grew, spreading out to colonise the entire small kitchen bench wherever it got light.
By the mid afternoon the entire lit part of the kitchen floor was colonised as well, the cabbages now absolutely gigantic and beginning to open and flower.
By late afternoon the sink water was completely drained dry, and desperate roots steadily spread out over the floor and walls in an extremely thin carpet, searching for more water.
Just before Donald woke up, the roots had found the tiny bathroom shower drain, and the roots greedily pushed down into the wet pipes, following the water and spreading roots through the entire building!
Donald got quite a shock when he woke up to find his home full of roots and his kitchen now an overgrown cabbage garden!
Once the initial shock wore off, Donald Obama was extremely happy. He would never be hungry again!
***...
Wendy was VERY annoyed when the demand for her cabbages abruptly ended!
Damn stupid super fast growing jungle death world crops!
Not ONLY had everyone started growing the things in their own homes, but cabbage roots had now so COMPLETELY colonised the sewer systems, that every last drain pipe and street grate had unwanted cabbages growing out of them wherever there was light!
The Temperis famine was most DEFINITELY solved now, and cabbages were so abundant that few people would even buy them for any price!
Wendy sat sulking at her desk in front of her rented warehouse, completely devoid of customers wanting to buy stuff from her. She still had plenty of people wanting to SELL weapons to her, but she was running out of cash to buy anymore! Stupid free market black market economy!
The street in front of her warehouse was empty of trucks now, just eerily silent and empty. Black cabbages partially covered in ash grew in scattered dense clusters out of drain grates along the street, just free for the taking!
The local gold market had completely collapsed from Wendy's oversupply, the cabbages of course were worthless now, and she wasn't sure what else she had to sell.
Maybe it was time to leave Temperis now?, she certainly couldn't afford the warehouse rent for much longer with her cash running dry.
Wendy sighed and got up, she had gotten a LOT of weapons at least, maybe not as many as she wanted but still enough to maybe prolong the web way wars long enough to find a new source of guns. She had achieved something at least.
Wendy had already laid off her local hired workers for lack of cash, and had only her loyal Nightmare Asylum heretics left. She had no reason to stay.
Wendy gathered Adolf from inside the warehouse, and together they sadly trudged back to say goodbye to Herman and Eva, walking past annoying patches of cabbages on every single street.
Wendy irritably kicked a cabbage in front of her as she walked, hating the stupid things for ruining her plan, the plans of chaos ruined by CABBAGES of all things!
Wendy and her husband glumly entered Herman and Eva's hab block building.
"What is that SMELL!?" Adolf gagged, immediately exiting the building again.
Wendy took a sniff of intense raw sewerage, and swiftly followed Adolf back outside!
The pair steeled themselves and ventured back inside the building, braving the terrible smell.
The staircase was literally RUNNING with a trickle of waste water!
Endless lines of partially trampled small cabbages grew on every single step under the feeble light of the single watt staircase ceiling globes, vile waste water trickling over their roots, growth very slow in such dim and feeble light.
Adolf and Wendy exchanged a glance, and then very carefully trod only on the cabbages as they ascended the flooded stairs.
At the first floor they saw people openly emptying buckets of wastewater and sewerage into the public hallway?!
"What the hell are they doing?!" Adolf exclaimed.
Wendy thought about it and had the answer.
"The cabbage roots in the sewerage pipes... The pipes are all completely clogged up with roots! The toilets can't flush!" Wendy explained grimly.
"Oh sweet Emperor!" Adolf exclaimed in utter horror.
The pair carefully used cabbages as stepping stones all the way to the 11th floor, and then gazed hesitantly at the hallway. The hallway had cabbages BUT, those cabbages had buckets of filth hurled over them, just as filthy as the floor...
Wendy and Adolf walked VERY carefully along this hallway, and knocked hesitantly at Herman and Eva's door.
Herman opened the door for them, but seemed rather grim and taciturn at the moment.
Wendy couldn't really blame him...
***...
Adolf felt rather emotional as he said his goodbyes to his parents, he had been so busy that he hadn't spent that much time with them, and much of the time he had spent with them had been marred by tension around Wendy.
The hab block flat his parents lived in was an overgrown mess of cabbage roots and clogged drains, with an entire FOREST of cabbages growing up out of the TOILET!
Adolf didn't want to leave them in such a state, but he wasn't even sure what he could do to stop this!
Wendy was currently sitting in the sitting room, drinking a cup of water as she talked to Adolf's parents as Adolf looked in the overgrown bathroom and fretted about the state of it.
"We are going to the toilet in buckets now..." Adolf's father was explaining to Wendy.
"At least you won't starve now," Wendy offered sympathetically.
"I guess you are right, we should count our blessings," Dad allowed.
"How will we ever survive without plumbing?," Mum fretted.
"Why don't you just turn all the lights off?, the entire city could turn off the lights. Plants can't grow without light," Wendy suggested.
Adolf was astonished, he hadn't even thought of that! Wendy was a GENIUS!
"But how could we see without lights?, How could YOU see next time you visit with those ridiculously dark sunglasses?," Mum dismissed.
Wendy touched her sunglasses thoughtfully and removed them.
Wendy instantly squinted and hissed in dismay, obviously completely dazzled, and put the sunglasses back on.
"I think I could actually take the sunglasses OFF, if the lights were dimmed considerably." Wendy quipped back aristocratically.
"What's wrong with your eyes?, it's not even bright in here?," Mum pried.
"I live in the dark, I grew up in a VERY dark place, so dark that my day sight never developed properly. I can see perfectly in the dark," Wendy said honestly enough.
"You are an enigma, I don't like all the secrets you have," Mum said rather impolitely.
"Mum! That was rude! Wendy was secret about MEDICAL conditions, she is an extremely private person," Adolf defended his wife.
"I am just speaking my mind openly, I want no more secrets by my daughter-in-law," Mum firmly demanded.
"What do you want to know," Wendy asked carefully.
"What weird stuff are you involved with with my son?," Mum asked bluntly.
"(Sigh), Fine. If you really want to know I am Adolf's Dominatrix in our own personal sex life, I tie him up, spank him, sit on his face, is THAT honest enough for you?," Wendy said without a hint of shame.
Mum squawked as though struck!
To Adolf's surprise Dad burst out laughing.
"Oh dear oh dear, you are a randy pair aren't you. It's fine, if that's what you enjoy then honestly it's fine," Dad chuckled reassuringly.
"I also have a female sex slave that I purchased who shares my bed, AND a second girlfriend on the side too! And Adolf and the two women call me "Mistress" while I spank them! I have sex with all three of them!" Wendy bluntly admitted!
Mum wailed in horror!
Dad laughed and patted Wendy on the back?!
Adolf was getting distinctly mixed messages here..
"If that's what you want to do then that's fine, though I am not sure I like the thought of a poor slave girl being forced to do these things..." Dad said distastefully.
Adolf shook his head reassuringly.
"It's consensual Dad, Octavia the slave girl is the biggest slut I have ever seen, like a nymphomaniac or something. She likes it, in fact Octavia spends most of her personal free time periods having kinky sex with random people, she REALLY likes having sex," Adolf reassured his father, blushing as he did so.
Dad held his hands in front of his chest curiously about Octavia, looking to Wendy's breasts.
Adolf held his hands exaggeratedly far out in front of his own chest to indicate that Octavia had HUGE breasts.
"Did you...?" Dad quietly asked Adolf.
Adolf shyly nodded.
"Nice..." Dad quietly said and subtly hi fived Adolf in respect.
Mum was stammering, completely scandalised.
"Adolf's safe word is hajsnip", Wendy added nastily just to upset Mum.
"What about the words carved into your face?," Mum insisted accusingly.
"If you MUST know, my sex slave Octavia carved them with a knife during kinky sex. The words are not entirely... Family friendly, I keep the scars covered with makeup, as I am sure you understand," Wendy stated half honestly.
"You are a PERVERT!" Mum spat in disgust.
"Yes, and I do perverted things with your son EVERY, SINGLE, NIGHT!" Wendy said gleefully.
"You MONSTER! You led him astray!" Mum sobbed.
"Mum that's not true, I already knew how Wendy was when I romantically pursued her. Wendy resisted me for a time until I finally wooed her successfully. I knew what I was getting into," Adolf admitted embarrassedly.
"I am a kinky perverted rich dominatrix, and I love your son with all my heart. I am married to Adolf and pregnant with his child after a LOT of sex with him, like just an entire week of nonstop fucking! I honestly couldn't walk!" Wendy pressed with merciless glee.
"Well, you certainly can't say she is hiding anything NOW can we?," Dad soothed Mum.
"I... I guess so... Oh why couldn't you just be a NICE and CHASTE noble girl, rather than... THIS!" Mum lamented.
"Chaste noble girls don't get pregnant to commoners," Wendy quipped.
Dad burst out laughing.
"Too true, too true. Given the circumstances leading to the elopement, it should have been obvious that Wendy was no,.. Virgin," Dad replied.
"But does your father know you are such a brazen slut?," Mum asked numbly.
"Mother-in-law, almost the ENTIRE nobility of the Imperium are a bunch of brazen sluts and perverts. The facade of propriety is just a mask. So long as we don't get pregnant out of wedlock, we noblewomen are free to carry on like complete whores!" Wendy explained gently.
"Do you even LOVE Adolf?," Mum asked horrified.
"Yes... Yes actually I do. I really REALLY love Adolf... He is a kind and gentle man, he loves me no matter what and is an incredible man. I do genuinely care about him, so much... I really love my husband," Wendy said with surprising tenderness.
"You do?," Mum sniffed.
"Yes, I really REALLY do love him, you have my promise that I love him. I loved him enough to personally leave my palace and spend all this time in this ash choked place, loved him enough to bring my business to this place and help break the famine... (Stupid cabbages), I really do love your son," Wendy said sincerely.
Mum calmed down slightly at these words, and actually gave Wendy a hug?! Adolf was amazed.
"Well that is something. I can sort of understand why you are so secretive after all I have learned. You are not the daughter-in-law I would have chosen, but we don't get to choose such things. I am just relieved you are not like a chaos heretic or something," Mum reconciled.
"Not ugly enough to be a heretic woman, no hook nose or warts." Dad laughed.
"Yeah, that's true. Women this pretty are never heretics, only a servant of the Emperor can look so lovely," Mum agreed fondly, reassured now.
"Just a kinky noblewoman with a good heart," Dad added.
"I honestly worry about that sex stuff all the same, is that really a good thing to be doing?," Mum admitted.
"They are young, they will grow out of it in time," Dad reassured her.
"Yes, I guess you are right. How old are you anyway Wendy?," Mum asked.
"Oh, over 300 years old," Wendy replied honestly.
Mum and Dad snorted with laughter.
"How old really?," Dad asked.
"It's impolite to ask a lady her age, but I will say that I am over 30," Wendy replied seriously.
"Really?, but you look so young!" Mum exclaimed.
"How old did you THINK I was?," Wendy asked curiously.
"I honestly thought you were about 19 years old," Mum admitted.
Wendy laughed and happily said, "well I shall take that as a compliment."
For a while the lighthearted banter continued.
"When will you visit again, are you going to have the baby here on your due date?, When is the due date anyway?," Mum asked seriously.
"Um, the due date?, Not sure?," Wendy hedged, counting on her fingers.
"We will let you know when we find out the delivery date," Adolf hedged.
"Will you have the baby here?," Mum pressed.
"No, probably not, I will have it on a ship, avoids pesky born citizenship complications that way," Wendy replied.
"Oh I didn't even think of that. Yes I guess that would be a problem for a planet hopping shipping noble," Dad exclaimed with apparent understanding.
"We will hopefully visit after the baby is born," Adolf suggested, looking at Wendy.
Wendy hesitated and then gave a little nod of consent to this request.
"Just make sure the plumbing is fixed by then, I don't want my baby getting sick," Wendy allowed.
"Will we ever meet your father?," Dad asked curiously.
"Never in a million years I'm afraid, he is rather a snob," Wendy apologised.
"What will he think of Adolf," Dad asked instantly.
"If I play down how poor Adolf is and pass him off as something important, my father will very grudgingly accept him. I am thinking of having Adolf promoted to merchant navy lieutenant or something similar, to let my father save face," Wendy lied convincingly.
Dad seemed to accept this and the conversation moved safely to a different topic.
***...
