AN- and now for the thing you are all clearly reading for… more light-hearted Slice of Life!
Bah! Who cares for that silly 'war to the death' thing anyway?
Chapter 9
I was on a date with what appeared to be three other beautiful women… or at least that is what an outsider would observe. One guy with three attractive ladies of very different types of appeal crowded around him, showering clearly undeserved affection upon him. In truth, I was being dragged around shops by two (three?) superpowered ladies and being forced to try on whatever things the tyrants demanded while undergoing the pain of seeing my own modest bank account grow ever smaller and smaller through the purchase of their own goods, while a fourth waited at home for our return like a petulant teenager grounded by their parents.
It had been an… interesting journey so far, to say the least.
("What do you mean I need money!?" Hissed Medea while she looked at a cute skirt. "And how are these flimsy pieces of paper legal tender? Where's the gold? I'm a princess!"
"Yes, but even they have to pay!" I countered. "How did you not know this, since you would have needed to go shopping to get all the ingredients to make all those things you've created!?"
She gave me a sheepish look. "Don't be mad, but I might have taken them without asking? It was an emergency, you see! Who knows when we would need those potions!")
("Fufu, these suit me, wouldn't you agree?" Boudica demanded my opinion while posed in front of a mirror, a cheerful giggle clearly upon the tip of her tongue. I was perfectly happy to offer my opinion on most things- I just wish she wasn't demanding me to do so while inside the Japanese equivalent of Victoria's Secret.
Even as she spun in the mirror, I could see the various women there giving me the evil eye, and felt my lifespan shorten immensely.
"Don't you think it's… inappropriate, perhaps indecent, me being here?" I hissed.
She smiled. "That's preposterous. Why, I'm still clad in clothes, am I not?"
"Yeah, but those are under garments." I pointed at her skimpy red bra and panty set- the ones she wore well.
I truly despaired at her confused pout, and knowing waggle of her hips. "I don't see the problem. Be glad I'm not naked. Celtics do prefer going into battle nude, you know, so be glad I'm garbed in anything at all."
My glare was supersonically potent. "But this isn't battle, is it!?"
"Do I just not look pretty enough in this?" she sulked, completely missing the point.
Palm, meet face.)
(The clothes store. A normal one this time. A great dilemma has just occurred. Two signs stand before me- 'Men's Section' and 'Women's Section'.
Unfortunately, Lily had seemed to inexplicably vanish while my back was turned, and now I had no clue which of the two they had chosen to shop in.
And part of me feared I would never know.
"Oh wait. Saber can literally be any gender they want at any given time, so why the hell would I think that knowing where they shop actually solves anything!?")
So yes. Interesting, for lack of a better description.
"Are you okay? You look… distressed." Medea said with an innocent look. "Like you're about to cry out to the gods in horror… or something."
My expression was resigned- it really was. Some Servants eat a ridiculous amount, and some just like a lot of clothes. Either way, Servants are a very expensive Familiar to maintain, and bring other problems besides. "I think I'm just starting to understand just how culturally diverse people from different points in history really are."
Boudica cooed at me. "There, there, there. Aren't you just precious? Honestly, it's just as difficult for us to be in this modern time. Imagine waking up in a world vastly different to the one you know, with nothing but vague references to help you. I must admit, I have learned much about you and your culture too, today." She shook her head sadly. "To think that the attire I consider normal is seen as shameless here. Really?"
"Well yippee. We've had an excellent bonding exercise, all round. Admittedly a horribly expensive one, liable to bankrupt me, but an overall productive experience. I think I have just one problem here…"
Saber smiled, and titled their head meekly "Which is?"
"Why am I the one carrying all the bags!?" Because really, even the weakest amongst us, Medea, was still ten times stronger than me!
Boudica giggled. "Didn't you know? If there is one universal thing across our times, it is that men always carry the shopping. And we can hardly break character or drawn attention to ourselves by carrying them ourselves, can we?"
"I don't know about that. We're already getting quite a bit of attention, aren't we?" I muttered to myself, thinking of all the death stares I've been receiving since the day began.
"Yoo hoo!" a voice called out. A familiar one- one that automatically made my heart start to beat faster. There, I saw her, waving out to me with a smile that could kill. Mata Hari was as beautiful as ever; something that the modern clothes she wore failed to mask. A pale sweater and tight set of jeans- honestly rather restrained, considering what she wore this morning. And yet, even so, I couldn't help but notice how those jeans hugged her hips and clung to her delicious legs, and how the sweater brought out the colour in her-
"F-fuck it! Didn't even take a sentence!" I lamented with a huff and a sudden spin, so I wouldn't have to look at her.
I heard a distinct thud. I was ninety percent sure that Saber had just facepalmed. "You really do have a weakness to her, don't you?"
"It's not my fault!" I hissed at the ambiguous looking person, blushing a deep crimson. "Clearly Mata Hari was created with the conceptual Origin of 'being James Branson's Kryptonite'."
The Assassin Class servant sighed loudly. "I'd hoped the clothes would dampen it. I'm honestly not even trying to do anything at this point."
"Wh-what are you doing here?" I was eventually able to splutter out, looking at her out of the corner of my eye. "Didn't we leave you behind?"
She gave me a level look. "And you didn't think I was just going to wait there, did you? I'm sorry for before, but grounding the espionage specialist and information gatherer extraordinaire isn't exactly a smart move either, is it?"
Boudica frowned, taking a step closer. "Where did you get those clothes? We didn't leave any money."
"Do you really want to know?" she said, batting her eyelashes suggestively.
Medea sighed. "We can all guess how you got those clothes, you harlot."
Assassin turned to her with a pouty look. "Now, just what do you have against me? I can guess why Rider over there isn't exactly fond of me, but we've barely spoke, have we?"
The Caster sighed, deep in thought. "I don't know. I just… I think I find your loose sense of love and affection offensive, maybe? Love is a big thing to me, considering my history and what not. I… I still love Jason, I think. Even though I know how it turns out, I can't help it."
"The heart wants what it wants." I whispered to myself, though it must have been louder than I expected, as everyone turned to look at me.
"Indeed." Caster spoke, mournfully. "It's tragic, really. Those emotions were forced upon me, but I cannot regret that love. But you, Mata Hari? I don't know you, but you seem… loose. Seductive and short lived… love to you is as cheap as a wink and a kiss… and that bothers me. It bothers me seeing you play with people like that. No. It bothers me seeing you play with him like that."
At that last comment, I flushed. It was honestly kind of sweet of Medea for her to defend me- that her main reason for disliking Assassin was because she felt slighted on my behalf. It… honestly meant a lot to me, to know that Medea liked me enough to want to see me hurt.
"I can't blame you for your opinion." Assassin said quietly, clamming up on the matter faster than a child caught hand-deep in the cookie jar. "You don't have to like me, I suppose, but trust in the fact that I don't want to hurt our Master."
Medea sized her up for a moment more- boring into Assassin with her cute glare. Finally, she blinked, and broke away. She wasn't happy, but she was satisfied for the moment.
"Perhaps we can move along?" Lily dryly said. "We're making a scene."
"Indeed! That's what I was here for, after all! I did some scouting, and found an excellent venue at the food court I wish for us to try!" Mata squealed happily. "If there's one thing I'm happy about being a Heroic Spirit, it's the fact that I can eat whatever I want now without gaining any weight!"
"… wow, what a mundane utility of superhuman power." Noted Boudica, before a grin stretched itself across her face too. "Fufufu. You make a good point. A girl has got to watch her figure, but we should enjoy ourselves too, sometimes."
I looked up to the roof of the shopping centre, and sent out a quick prayer to whatever deity was out there. "Hi God, are you there? Or maybe Jesus? Root, Akasha, are you listening in? What about Zelretch? Really, whoever is out there. It's me, James. I have a teensy tiny request. Please, oh please, let me summon a male Servant next. Like, a combat capable Servant would be nice and all, but I would really prefer a guy. I'm in desperate need of some more testosterone, and I still don't know if Saber counts or not."
XXXXXXXXXX
"Here you go! Two Double Cheeseburger Meals, one Big Wac Meal, one Chicken WcNugget Meal and a Spicy Chicken Wrap! Enjoy!" exclaimed the perky cashier lady at the blatantly copyright infringing establishment my Assassin had chosen for us. Because it had to be WcDonalds.
"You know what they call these in France?" I casually asked, as once again I was forced into the strict gender role of our world and bid to carry to dinner to our table.
"No, what?" Lily asked me, suddenly looking far more interesting.
"A Royale with Cheese. While the Big Wac is le Big Wac."
Saber was not amused. "I kind of expected something more when you brought this up."
I rolled my eyes, sighing audibly as we approached a long thin table. There was a huge gap on one side of it- perfect for the five of us to sit there. "Remind me to get a copy of Pulp Fiction to show you sometime. Lovely film. I still have no clue why the fuck it actually exists, mind you, but lovely all the same."
Then, we sat down, and I handed out our respective meals. I was midway through unwrapping my double cheeseburger and had a straw jammed into my mouth before I realised that sitting across from me were three people I did not expect to see there.
Ilyasviel Von Einzbern, the legal loli Master with Yandere tendencies.
To her right, Shirou Emiya, the dumbass who had more Swords than sense.
To his right, the Servant of the Sword, Saber, motherfreakin' Arturua Pendragon herself.
And there, behind Ilyasviel, was the feeling of another Servant- clearly in his Astral form. Hercules- though he was largely unnoticeable amidst the presence of the others.
They were both clearly in the middle of a lunch date, with Saber and Berserker as an escort. Ilya was frozen midbite- half a dozen fries sticking out of her mouth as she clocked onto what was happening too.
Then, almost in synch we both put down our drinks (She slowly finished swallowing her massive mouthful, whereas I put my burger to one side), and then we wiped away at our eyes in unison- as if to blink away a very unusual daydream.
Nope- I'd still accidentally walked in on a lunch date between two enemy Masters.
Slowly, deliberately so, I turned to Mata Hari, whom chuckled nervously while she spun a loop in her luscious hair with one finger. "In my defence, she hadn't been here when I first scouted it out?"
I sighed loudly. "Worst. Servant. Ever."
"H-hey! That's uncalled for!" She protested.
With that, I turned back to the other two Masters, who could only stare. "And in my defence," I began. "this was completely accidental."
Ilya nursed her head, almost despairingly so. "Do I want to know how you just so happen to have four Servants that clearly shouldn't exist, especially since I already know of all seven Servants that have been summoned… or am I going to regret it?"
"Probably the latter." Was my confirmation. "Honestly, the lot of us are just a headache in the making."
"Am I wrong in assuming that the reason why that priest sent out Familiar's to inform us to visit the church is something to do with this?"
"Yes and no." I said, with a wish washy hand motion.
"Y-you! You're the transfer student!" Shirou stuttered, finally keying into who I was. "What are you doing here? And how does Ilya know you!?"
I gave him the deadest look imaginable. "Are you braindead or something? How did you not instantly figure out I was a Master the moment I walked into your classroom? Mysterious transfer student shows up EXACTLY when the Holy Grail War is taking place, has clandestine meetings with both Tohsaka Rin and Matou Shinji, both Masters in their own rights, and then sods off never to be seen again. How is that not suspicious!?"
"H-hey!" Shirou growled back at me. "Don't treat me like I'm an idiot! It's not like I saw a Servant with you or anything."
"Except I did have a Servant with me!" I told him.
"I didn't notice!" he cried.
Despairingly, I turned to Ilya. "Honestly, Einzbern, you have your work cut out for you."
She gave me a look of appreciation, followed by confusion, as if she couldn't imagine how we were getting along so well, or why we seemed to be such kindred spirits. "Yes. I think I do have my work cut out for me, with my little brother here."
"Shiro-" Saber of Blue cut in, suddenly reminding us all that she was here. "what will you have me do? An enemy Master has appeared before us, and his forces outnumber our own."
"Fucking hell Saber, chill out." I grumbled. "We're not here to fight. This is literally the last thing I expected to find when I went to get a cheap takeout burger."
Ilya looked pensive- and pressed her index fingers together awkwardly. "Shirou said that this was the kind of things siblings did."
Great. And now I felt guilty for getting in the way of a rare moment of bonding between the two 'technically not blood-related' siblings. Really, it was a surprise to see Ilya spending time with her step-brother as opposed to trying to murder him- but good on her.
"Look, howsabout a truce?" I finally popped the question. "I'm hungry, and there isn't exactly another free table large enough for five. We didn't come here to fight, and neither did you. So, let's just eat our damned burgers, not murder each other at the end of it, and then go our separate ways?"
Shirou looked to Ilya- clearly the little girl was wearing the pants, here. "Fine." She huffed. "I'll be gracious and allow you to eat with us here. Next time we meet though, I'll kill you and all you're stupid Servants. Just so you know."
Boudica smiled grimly. "Let's just say that we have a thing or two to say to that, but we'll leave that until we meet upon the battlefield."
And so began what was likely the most awkward meal in the history of the Grail War. This was not the Feast of Kings… but perhaps the Meal of Mutually Accepted Improbability.
"Hey Einzbern, could I have some of that ketchup?" I asked her, gesturing to the various sachets scattered before her. "We forgot to pick some up on the way to table."
"No!" She snapped childishly, pulling them closer to her side of the table.
"How about those napkins? You have oh so many…"
"I said get your own!" she hissed.
XXXXXXXXXX
At the end of the meal, we had made no agreements with Ilya or Shirou. Honestly, it was a miracle that nobody stabbed anyone. It was awkward as hell, I endured chips without ketchup, and actually had to get up again for napkins. The food was eaten, the farewells said, and then we suspiciously watched the other leave as we pointedly walked away from each other in opposite directions, damn the fact that we both needed to walk the same way.
"Well, that was a fun meal." Quipped Medea. "Really productive."
"Oh, I don't know about that." Mati Hari said, mirth in her tone. "No need for that sarcasm. We may not have spoken much on the War, but there is always information to be found."
"You noticed it too then?" The Chevalier chipped in.
In turn, the spy smiled a pretty little smile that set my heart a pounding. "Those two… it's pretty clear that they've made an alliance, isn't it?"
XXXXXXXXXX
Bedtime. It had been a fun enough day (If fun was a synonym for exhausting), but I was glad it was over. We'd done all the mundane shopping we needed, and then returned to the hotel for us to try and spend what time in the day we had left productively.
For me, that meant cracking open those tomes and working at my Familiar Sight spell- the one I still hadn't been able to get working.
Meanwhile, Medea returned to her Item Creation skill- using her newly purchased (As opposed to stolen) regents to start making superior items. She had promised me something special in the future, and damn it, she was going to deliver!
My other three Servants had far less they could do- but it was pleasant to have them around.
But now? Now it was a time for bed, and I dreaded it.
"Sweetie, the bed isn't going to bite you." Drawled Mata Hari from behind me, draping an arm around me casually that I automatically batted off. "I mean really, are you that scared?"
"Yes." I admitted, as I continued to look at the bed, so as not to look at the one I'd likely be sharing it with. "For one thing, the bed is far too freaking small. For another, you'll be on it."
She sighed. "You really don't like me, do you?"
"It's kind of the opposite, really." I liked her too much now. I hated how little effort it took her to get under my skin, and just how frequently my mind moved to picture her. I'd never experienced infatuation this strong, and I detested the fact that my normally sharp brain was dulled by this. I'd never claimed to be smooth with the opposite gender, but Mata Hari left me in such a state every time we talked that I could only feel embarrassed by the end of it.
"It normally is." She admitted. "Well, you don't have to worry about me sleeping on it, anyway."
"Why. Not soft enough for you?"
Her laughter was like songbirds on the wind. "Don't be silly. Let's just say I've slept on worse beds… and not slept on enough too…"
"I can hear flirting!" Saber's voice shouted from the bathroom. "Stop it!"
Mata Hari groaned in a rather unladylike way. "I never realised how annoying it is to find someone immune to my charms."
"Look on the bright side, I find it terribly annoying to not be."
"Yes, yes, I get it already. Boo hoo, the horrible lady unfairly seduces her Master, etcetera, etcetera." Cue the eyeroll. "But telling me to stop being attractive is like telling a fish to stop swimming!" she complained, before she was eventually able to calm herself down. "But anyway. You don't need to worry about me sleeping with you, because I'm going out."
"Out?"
She smirked at me. "Indeed. Its time I started 'earning me keep', as it were. For an Infiltration specialist, I've hardly flaunted my talents, have I?"
"Good luck then." I said, with no small amount of relief. At least I now only had the normal fright that came with sleeping with two (Three?) women on the same bed.
"Many thanks, Master." She replied, dryly. "I'll be sure to see what I can find out about the other Teams. I can't promise you much, but I'll certainly be able to make a start. You'll be the first to hear about the arrival of the Reds. I can promise you that."
She went to leave- but my hand found itself grabbing her own, without me even realising.
"Oh?" she said, with a false look of shock. "Have you changed your mind after all?"
"No- not that." I snapped- though my red colouring told her that I'd likely been considering it. "But… I just wanted to tell you to be careful, is all. I don't dislike you enough to want you dead. I'd much rather you telepathically deafen me in my sleep so I can wake up and use a Command Seal to bail you out, than I would want you to stay silent and die alone."
Again- the dry look returned to her face. "Your worry is appreciated. Don't worry. I'll stay safe, and be back to get you all flustered in the morning before you know it, hmmm?"
"I said no flirting!" Saber shouted again, from the next room down.
"Geez- how long does it take Lily to use the bathroom." I complained under my breath- while Assassin laughed as the only one close enough to hear.
"And we weren't flirting!" Assassin called out in return. "It's called banter."
"Ohhh- is that what they call it nowadays?" Saber was not amused. "Be gone, scarlet woman!"
Mata Hari's cute little eyebrows scrunched up in irritation. "Fine, fine. I'm going, okay~" and then she was gone, slipping into her Astral form and already well on her way to start scoping out the town with her own unique set of skills.
I looked at the spot where she had once been, and shook my head clear. I hoped that she would return; I was honest enough about that.
"Here's hoping this isn't a long night." I said quietly as I slipped into the bed and waited for the inevitable awkwardness that was going to arise.
