I need a fic that is a bit more miserable at the moment. Lol. No one worry, life is fine. I just need something that allows me to vent certain energy out.
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Part Two
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Scarlett and Rhett returned home with the children. It was time she didn't have to waste, but she didn't want to leave them as Rhett had left her. Not feeling so alone and distraught. Ella had always been such an odd little creature, Scarlett had never quite understood her oldest daughter, but Wade.
Wade had been her baby once; in a way the other children never had been. Wade had loved her as Rhett loved her and then seen through her just as Rhett had. He had seen the worst in her and turned away. He had once wanted her arms more than anything, but she had driven him into Melly's. He had simply been too much for her to handle along with everything else.
The little baby that had started off on the periphery of her life, but had slowly made himself front of center, her ever present companion for the first few years. There was fear in his eyes as he was told about his aunt being gone, the fear that all he had left was Scarlett.
She wanted to take him in her arms just as she would have when he was a toddler, wanted to promise him that his Mama would fix it, that she would take care of it. She didn't want to lie to him though, she had no idea how she would do that. She didn't want to see the look in his eyes expecting her to fix it.
They made their way upstairs to the fourth floor and the daytime nursery that adjoined the small school room. She had unconsciously organized their large house so that it could have housed a dozen children over the years. Now it would only ever be the home for two if it could even be called a home.
She looked at Rhett carrying Ella. With his domineering size and her diminutive one and how Ella was buried into his neck, she didn't look much older than four, rather than the little girl who would be seven in a few short weeks.
Scarlett wondered how Rhett could leave her, leave the little girl whom he had been carrying since she was just a month old.
How had he missed how the children loved him, how had he missed how she had loved him? The children had at least been able to say the words. Every moment he gave them a minute of his time, they had clung to him.
As they entered the room, Beau was sitting on the floor with a blank expression on his face, there was a toy train in front of him that he was ignoring.
Prissy ran into the room and hugged Dilcey, that was how families were supposed to grieve.
Scarlett watched as Wade ran to Dilcey and Prissy as well and was enveloped in their hug, Prissy then pulled them all down to Beau's level and he was brought into the fold.
Ella didn't let go of her stepfather. Scarlett noticed Ella's thumb in her mouth, Scarlett had been sure she had broken that habit before Bonnie was born. Scarlett forced herself to bite back her automatic reply and not rip her hand from her mouth. Scarlett understood what her daughter was feeling, she wanted to wrap herself in Rhett's arms and hide from it all.
Instead, she laid a hand on her daughter's back, thankful Ella would at least have this for a bit longer.
"I have to go," Scarlett spoke softly.
Rhett nodded, "I'll stay with the children."
"Thank you," she whispered back. "Will you come to the house?"
"Perhaps, it depends on the children."
Scarlett nodded. "Send for me if you need me," Scarlett almost smiled, knowing Rhett would never admit such a thing.
She said departing and weak words to the children, she wanted to linger in the doorway and watch Rhett settle onto the floor with the children. He wouldn't care about his impeccable suit today, he truly never did, not when it came to them.
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Pork had told her where Rhett and the children were the moment she entered the house. He had brought them by the house earlier. He hadn't forced Ella to walk or look at Miss Melly laying out, Scarlett had watched all the old hens be captivated by what a good father Rhett Butler still was, despite the fact that his only remaining children were his wife's. In a matter of days, they would all be happy for him for walking away from her. No matter how many visits, he would always be the man smart enough to walk away from Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler.
Scarlett stopped by the dining room before heading upstairs and overfilled the small goblet with brandy so it was difficult to lift without the liquid spilling. She had promised herself one glass and she was surely not going to break that promise with the children awaiting her.
She put the glass down and headed off towards the night nursery on the same floor as the rest of the bedrooms.
She could hear him as she softly treaded down the hallway. He was reading, he had a beautiful voice and he never faltered over any of the words. He was always patient to answer questions if a child didn't understand something. He paused for them, he brought them up to speed, he never left them pages behind in the story. Meanwhile he had left his wife back in 1866.
The children saw her immediately and left their various spots to run to her. All three had certainly hugged her before and often, but not like this. Not with relief that she had returned to them, that she too wasn't gone.
She wanted to weep, she knew she was doing it wrong as Rhett was by her side, he gave her an accusing look as she returned his greeting, she knew he smelt the brandy on her breath, "Did they save me supper?"
"I believe so, Suellen and Mammy will be arriving on the morning train."
"Good," Scarlett nodded.
"I will retrieve them from the station myself, I cannot imagine Suellen will-"
"She will be lost and miserable in minutes," Scarlett smiled. "I am going to eat something, I'll be back as you're being tucked into bed," the informed the children, thankful to have an excuse to escape them.
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It was late in the evening, the children were asleep and Rhett hadn't returned downstairs after the children had gone to bed. Not that Scarlett was listening with the door slightly cracked in the dining room.
He hadn't descended the stairs again unless he had slipped down the back staircase.
No. Instead, she had spent the evening with another old friend, although newer than Rhett, brandy. It was another old friend that she realized she would also be losing.
As the long afternoon had drawn on with Scarlett thinking about how it could have all been bearable with just a few nips. She was already aware before the look he had given her when she had joined him and the children that she couldn't keep drinking. Not with everything how it was. Rhett had been able to drink himself into oblivion this summer because he had given up. Scarlett didn't get the option to give up, she never got the option to give up. To give up would be to be one of them. Scarlett had entirely too much to do and if she allowed herself to go too far, she could lose it all.
Last summer Melly had taken care of Rhett, while Scarlett took care of the children, the household and her business. Scarlett did not want to even think about how Rhett's finances were handled during that. He had been nasty and cruel the one time she had worked up the nerve to ask.
Scarlett wondered how her entire world could have just been swept away yesterday. How her life had been a house of playing cards.
She had been so sure that she and Rhett were doing better, they had finally been behaving like a family again. She had been sure that the time wouldn't be long off when Rhett would come to her again. They would have more children. She would have kept having children so he would stay home with them. You could travel with one child, but two or three. No, you couldn't easily do that. And Rhett wouldn't want to be far away when they were babies.
She had still wanted more children after she lost the baby, but Rhett hadn't even wanted that one. Scarlett scoffed suddenly realizing those years of unlocked and ajar doors were for naught, he would have never come to her unless she begged. The night of Ashley's party had been a fluke because his ego had been so badly damaged by the gossip regarding her and Ashley.
With her glass lingering on her lips, she thought about how unfair it all was. Intimacies with Rhett had been enjoyable, unlike her experiences with Charles and Frank. The first year, she had barely missed it, it was so tied in to having another child. That second year, when Rhett drank too much and he had started to become more cruel than clever. The thoughts of resuming intimate relations had been few and far between.
After that night though…After that night, she missed him.
Quite frankly it embarrassed her how often she missed him and it.
The depraved acts they had engaged in, acts one should never do with a wife.
Her husband had made her into his whore and she liked it.
He had been powerful that night in a way she had only ever caught glimpses of.
She existed in a world of weak men and then there was Rhett. She had never had a choice in being drawn to him. Oh, she wanted to crush him a bit all those years ago, she had wanted to be the one with the power, but was that really so wrong? She just wanted to know she had the power. It was decidedly cruel of him to hide that from her all these years.
She wondered what he thought she would have done with it. Used it to destroy him? Likely not because then she would have been without him.
Used it to get things from him? He had given her carte blanche. Her businesses had thrived during their marriage, she hadn't needed his help with them.
She smiled thinking of his groans that night, she was pretty sure he had whimpered at one point. As she had done things that wives most certainly did not do, things she had been instructed to do by her husband. She wondered if it was because then women would have a taste of men being at their mercy.
She shot to attention as she realized the door was being pushed open, but she hadn't heard anyone approach.
"Shouldn't you be crying into your pillow over your dearly departed friend? Or do you think the mourners won't be able to tell why your eyes are bloodshot, trust me they can," he took the decanter from in front of her to fill his own glass.
She glared at her husband and took another sip of her glass, "How do the girls at Belle Watling's place not have a baby every year? You said Mamie Bart's-"
Rhett paused at her impulsive question. There was something almost sweet about it. It reminded him that she was still young and there was still time for her. It reminded him of the young woman he had married and not the shrew she had become. "Where did this line of questioning come from?"
Scarlett seemed to suddenly sober a bit, "It was just a foolish question Rhett." She didn't want to think about all the babies Rhett could have made during their marriage with those girls. She almost made a remark about that, as she realized what she had said, needing to save face. That would most certainly not have been kind.
"Planning your tryst with Mr. Wilkes already, I certainly admire your planning Mrs. Butler, I will not be turning a blind eye to-"
"That baby was yours Rhett and you know it."
He looked as if he had been kicked and he knew it, he hadn't been able to hide his reaction. He also saw it in her eyes, the hurt. Oh yes, he had hurt her over the years, and every time he had, he had ended up hurting himself and in that case their child. "I was not implying that it was not. I was simply addressing the elephant in the room that I will not be fathering any more of your children."
"My children or children in general," she looked at him with a raised brow and he could see fire lurking behind those green eyes.
"Both."
"I don't suppose this involves a vow of abstinence," Scarlett offered up.
"It most certainly does not my dear."
"Are you going to continue to be obtuse or are you going to answer my question?"
Rhett with his perfect nonchalance, "And what question-"
"There are a list of words I want to call you right now."
"Miss Melly's deathbed promise," Rhett almost tsk-tsked Scarlett.
"I know I'm a self-centered person Rhett, but for just a moment can you stop bringing up Melly while I am trying to have a conversation with you?"
Rhett hated himself for the fact that he wanted to laugh.
Her eyes looked at him expectantly.
He refilled her glass, poured another for himself and sat. "There are devices-"
"What sort of devices?"
He fought back his smile again, not sure if he was revisiting the past or if that girl hadn't truly been gone all this time. "Devices that the man wears."
"How-" Scarlett began and then paused.
Rhett was sure she had more questions, he was also sure they weren't coming out of her mouth without the rest of the bottle of brandy going into her. "There are also items that can go into women and things to use afterwards, surely you've seen the advertisements in the paper."
"They hardly explain what anything is, sounds more like snake oil or a miracle tonic."
Rhett did laugh slightly.
"Why didn't we ever-" Scarlett's brain caught up to her mouth and she paused mid question.
Rhett paused and leaned back, taking another sip.
"After Bonnie-" Scarlett wanted to make sure that he knew that she had never regretted her decision, or well his decision to have their daughter, it may have been his decision, but she had loved their daughter.
"You chose to keep a chaste bed, my sweet."
"You told me we wouldn't have babies and we were barely married a year when I had Bonnie. You never even mentioned-"
"You wanted me out of your bed Scarlett, let's not rewrite history."
"I wanted to not have a waist the size of Mammy's or Aunt Pitty's. You promised no children, but you never used any type of devices before or after."
Rhett let out a barking laugh by accident. "It was hardly appropriate Scarlett, you were my wife, not a lady of the night."
"A wife that didn't want a baby every year."
"I did my best to-"
"I don't think you did Rhett. And then you most certainly did not want to stay in my bed or you would have suggested-"
"Tell me Scarlett would you have-"
"Yes."
"I didn't even-"
"Put things into me, yes Rhett. I would have. Would it have been crass and likely mortifying, yes. I have had three children Rhett, I cannot imagine it would have been worse than what has come out of me."
She slid her glass towards him for a refill.
"I'm not sure if I should refill this or cut you off."
"I need to make sure I do not recall those words coming out of my mouth, I at least need the memory blunted."
He chuckled and filled the glass. He waited until she consumed half the glass before continuing on. "Has the memory blurred?"
"Unfortunately not," she said taking another sip.
"Shall I distract you?"
"Please," she took another sip.
"What brought about this line of inquiry?"
She glared and finished the glass, "That hardly helps," she sat the glass down and pushed it towards him.
"I answered your question, the kind thing to do would be to answer mine," he filled the glass and then held it out of her reach.
"I suppose my mind has been trying to catch up to what has happened over the last, feels like a month, but it has barely been a day."
He pushed the glass towards her, "Miss Melly's unknown and lost pregnancy."
Scarlett's eyes widened, "Do you think she and Ashley used those-"
Rhett stifled a laugh, "Of that I am not sure. Perhaps not seeing as how good and honorable-"
"Oh stuff it," Scarlett took another sip.
"So if you weren't thinking of Miss Melly's pregnancy, was it my arrival that made you think of lustful urges?"
Scarlett rolled her eyes. "Rhett," she looked at a clock, "28 hours ago, I expected we would have more children. Your numerous declarations," she shook her head, "I am hardly responsible for my mind trying to wrap its head around everything you dumped on it in a twenty-minute period."
"If you want more children my offer of a divorce-"
"Will never happen," she took another sip.
"The offer is there whenever you want it."
She turned her attention back to her glass.
"I thought you didn't want any more children," he took a sip of his.
"I imagine I just wanted to enjoy life for a while Rhett. Hardly seems like a crime to actually have fun, especially since that had been the majority of your argument for marriage." She took a sip, "What was it, 5 months of fun, maybe 6 before Dr. Meade said I was expecting?" Another sip, "Five months in seven years."
"So you've finally had enough fun to be a mother?"
"No, Rhett. I imagine it was more after three years of marriage to you, I gave up on the concept of fun, a baby would at least love me."
He could hear her calling out again as she lay in her bed losing their baby and then struggling to recover. He had to refill his glass to drown out the memory. "What about your waistline?" He made sure have a nice subtle mockery to the words. After he had been evicted from their bed he had overheard all the talk about Miss Scarlett not being able to get cinched to her satisfaction, he had seen the massive dressmaker's bill arrive and a flurry of new dresses that spring.
She shrugged and took another sip.
"You banished me from our bedroom."
"I don't know what to tell you, after a month or so it didn't particularly matter," she shrugged.
"You could have informed your husband."
"I most certainly did not want you back in my bed after how you behaved, and I most definitely did not want more children then."
"So what changed?" Rhett wasn't quite sure why he was continuing their conversation, he had said everything he had to say last night. Her words felt as if he was repeatedly being stabbed, but it was oddly nice to know he could still feel. Not a lot, just enough to know he was still alive.
"I don't know," she answered truthfully, "I just knew I was glad for the first time to be expecting a child. That I foolishly thought that a baby could make me happy that you would come home and be happy, that you would stay. I thought things could just be easy for once," her eyes closed briefly at the thought. She had thought the same thing in the years before Bonnie's accident after she returned from Tara, she had thought the same thing in the last few months. Odd how she thought things going easy meant that they were going well.
"This summer Dr. Meade told me the only way to save you was with a new baby, I would have made my waist as big as Mammy's to make you happy again. A baby every year had once seemed horrible, but I guess I hadn't actually known horror." She paused and took another sip, "They don't tell you that when you're young. I had three little brothers. I remember sitting on the bed next to my mother with the last one when he was born and I knew he would die just like the two before him. He'd learned to say Mama the week before he died. I always knew that children died. I just didn't understand before Bonnie that was why parents had so many children. You need things to live for." She seemed unnaturally sober and somber for how much brandy she had consumed, "I am sorry for that Rhett. I am sorry I didn't give you more children when you could still bear to love things."
"You gave me Wade and Ella," he offered.
"You had loved them at the start, hadn't you? You're nice now, their uncle not their father. I suppose I did that. The moment I forbid you from my room, you left this house. You were only here because of Bonnie after that."
"I am their stepfather Scarlett."
"You had almost been their daddy though, hadn't you. You'd wanted to be and then you just walked away," her eyes closed in pain. "I should go to bed, time to cry into my pillow, so the mourners think I have a soul." As she pushed out of her chair, so did he, "Do you suddenly have manners?" she questioned.
"You're hardly in any condition to take the stairs without supervision."
Her heart twisted and ached yet again. She walked towards the back staircase without a word, fearful if she opened her mouth she would begin to cry and never stop.
Thanks for reading!
