AN- what's this? An update? So soon? How can this be?

Heresy. Dark sorcery. It is the only answer. In truth, I won a Holy Grail War, and I wished to finish this story. The Grail said 'I dunno, sounds rather unfeasible', and so all we got was this chapter.

Also, small edit necessary. Apologies if you got a message twice

Enjoy? And please remember to check out the Tv Tropes page that really needs filling in? Pretty please, with a cherry on top?

Chapter 23

Countless blades poked their sharp pointy ends through the various portals leading to his vast treasury. "I am afraid to say this, foolish child, but your your Fate was sealed the moment that goddess breathed the same air as myself. Your war ends here. Now. With me."

Now, I'd been in some shitty situations. Some REALLY shitty situations. Hell, nine out of ten of them were in this war, in fact.

And then there was this level of bullshit.

Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, incarnated Archer Class Servant of the last war, with a Gate of Babylon poised to fire on his command. Apparently out of mercy; most definitely pissed off by the existence of a goddess I somehow summoned through sheer fucking luck. (apparently BAD luck considering this outcome).

If we fought, we would undeniably die. Even with Ereshikgal and Scathach, I would most certainly die. There was no changing this fact. Under these circumstances, if things came to a fight, we were all going to die.

So all I had to do was somehow find a way out of this mess that doesn't lead to death. Easy, right?

"So your grudge lies solely with Ereshikgal?" I asked quickly before the swords started flying. I needed to stall this out somehow! "Could this situation be resolved by removing her from the situation?"

"O-oi!" Sorry Rinface!Ereshikgal. Had to give it a shot. I'd feel terrible about it, but I'd likely do it too.

"At this point, as amusing as it would be to have you personally gut your own ally, no."

"Eh. Can't blame a guy for trying." I tried to play it off, coolly, while inside I was anything but calm.

["Student, you need to be very careful right now. Not even I can safeguard you with certainty."] Warned Scathach. I respected that warning, I really did. Heck, I didn't NEED to be told that I needed to be careful, no more than a man midway though a 50 ft fall needs to be told that the landing is gonna be a killer. But I was also tired, pissed off, and really aware of just how precarious our situation was.

Important fact was that we weren't dead yet, and that Gilgamesh was apparently happy to let me talk.

"Welp, in that case then, we're all pretty fucked." I tried to be as lackadaisical as I could be. Uncaring, casual, really. Can I be direct in this? "Is there any way of us leaving this mess with most of our heads intact?"

Giglamesh laughed. "Of course not. Though, I certainly see where this is going. Please, go ahead! Try to persuade this king to change his mind, and perhaps I may stay my hand!"

"In that case, I will." I bowed my head respectfully, then sent a generic catch all messages to all my Servants before I did the stupidest thing that I had ever dreamed of doing. ["Guys, I'mma gonna do a dumb. Don't interrupt me. Blend into the background, so all his focus is on me. Then, prepare for the worst."]

"Honestly, I'm surprised you're doing this." I began my pitch, the beginnings of a smile on my face. "After all... you'd have to be a fucking idiot to think that this was anything but a ridiculously terrible decision."

Never before had I seen a face shift so drastically in so short a time. An open face, inviting and amused – now straight and scowled. A button had been pressed. A line cross.

"You dare?" his voice was quiet, the warning implicit, the consequences real and serious. Before a face like that, I wanted to curl up in a ball and plead for mercy. I wasn't going to though. I wasn't done yet.

"If I'm gonna die anyway, then what do I have to fear?" I bluffed. "So yeah. Gilgamesh, you are being a fucking, short-sighted idiot."

He clapped his hands together in satisfaction and the number of portals leading to the Gates of Babylon tripled. "Before, it was a matter of business. Can't have such filth polluting my garden. Now though, this shall be a pleasure."

"Go for it!" I threw my arms wide, stepping forwards. "Do it! Don't let your dreams be memes! DO IT!"

And then, for a second, I thought he would. But he didn't. The swords poked out, his hands were trembling in rage, but he didn't act. He was going to let me finish digging my own grave before he buried me in it.

"You are being an idiot..." I began, cautiously, now trying to explain my insult. "because if you kill me, then this war becomes REALLY boring. I mean really, have you seen the direction this is going? If you step back and look at this whole mess from a narrative direction, it all makes so much more sense!"

I cleared my throat, putting on my best 'announcers' voice. "A mysterious Master with unknown origins and motivations - gatecrashes the final Holy Grail War! With powers unknown he summons his own Servants, subverts the rules of the ritual, and forces an Apocrypha scenario. He shanks his way through the competition, suffering no causalities, emerges only from his base to devastate his enemy, and is capable of controlling a team of seven with no difficulties what so ever, while every other Team needs Seven Masters to match him. Isn't it obvious Gilgamesh? If this war of yours is a source of entertainment, little more than a play to watch and pass the time... then I am the main antagonist!"

That, was the argument I was going with. Not a moral one. I couldn't appeal to that. I had nothing to give him that he didn't already possess. The only appeal I could make was to his boredom. Because I made things interesting.

"The original seven Servants and Masters was pretty damn boring. Generic af. Just by being here, we have 15 more Servants and 7 more Masters! In sheer quantity of new content, that is a lot! My existence forces the other groups into teams to oppose me. Thus causing interactions that wouldn't normally happen. Oh so much lovely drama. And do you know what happens if you kill me?"

Here, I leaned forwards, almost conspiratorially. "Everything falls apart. Without me, either my Servants all fade away from the absence of my mana, or maybe one or two of them survive. Then, that leaves Red VS Blue. Blue is divided, spent and in smaller parties. Red is still united. Red beats Blue. War over. Boring. Just think of the consequences of killing me! There is nothing worse in fiction than an antagonist being killed off anticlimactically at the midway point!"

Gilgamesh's face was still, unchanging. His eyes betrayed none of his thoughts concerning my words. However, he chose to speak. "Continue."

He was listening. This might actually work. "Kill us, and you lose a fuck tonne of interesting viewing material. Think of all the unresolved plot threads! Saber of Red and my Boudica will never be able to have a climactic face off, not even considering the interesting dynamic between Saber of Blue and Boudica! Then there is Medea the Elder versus Medea the Younger! Heck, consider the grudge match brewing between me and Caster of Blue! Then we have Cheavalier d'Eon, whom bounces off Henri Sanson. Henri Sanson versus Scathach! This is all just off the top of my head! Fundamentally, there is just one goddamn reason you should let us live.

Because I summoned Ereshikgal, an absolute enemy of yours. An absolute powerhouse. The Big Fucking Gun. I am setting myself up as the final boss, not just to the other teams, but to you too. So don't kill me for such petty reasons, when you have so much more to gain in letting us go!"

That was my pitch. My argument. To an ordinary soul, it would be a ridiculous answer. But to Gilgamesh? To someone who considered himself untouchable and this high-stakes death tournament as popcorn flick, then an appeal to his sense of boredom is actually the best way to go!

The silence following my pitch continued for a good thirty seconds as Gilgamesh left me to sweat, his crimson eyes burning into my own, not looking away or even blinking. Finally, the moment ended, the king blinked, and seemed to have reached a decision.

Click. With a snap of his fingers, the Gates of Babylon shut off.

Had we...?

"Here." The King of Heroes spoke simply. A smaller Golden portal opened up directly in front of me, and I followed the unspoken command, holding my hands out. From within the depths of his vault, a small purple bottle slipped out and landed on my open palms. "Drink it."

I looked at it for a moment. This was a suspicious setup if ever I'd seen one. I looked up at the King. He wasn't joking. It was a command. I looked to my Servants, and the general consensus there seemed to be 'well, you sure did get yourself into this mess, eh?'. Well, if I was going to die anyway...

I twisted the top of the potion, took a sniff of something foul, then swallowed the small amount of liquid within three short gulps. It tasted of honey and vinegar, and something vaguely minty.

"That," began Gilgamesh after I finished my drink. "was a poison. One of the worst within my vault. One so deadly that not even little miss pancake over there could treat it." Said 'little miss pancake' could only offer a splutter of protest. It seems that even in deadly situations, A-Cup Angst is a serious ailment. Then, a second golden gate opened, and a small transparent vial filled with blue liquid landed upon his open hand. "And this is the antidote."

"King of Heroes, where are you going with this?" Scathach asked seriously.

"You have one week." he stated, simply, tucking the vial into his inner coat pocket. "One week to entertain me. To scheme and fight and bleed. If you wish to set yourself up to oppose me, then feel free. One week to fight with everything you have. When that week ends, I will come for you. There will be no running away. The poison prevents that. You will fight me with everything you have just for the chance at this antidote, and you will fail."

Gilgamesh, the most OP Motherfucker, turned his back on us and started to walk away. "Your death was assured from the moment you dared to speak out against your King. Your execution has merely been... delayed. In addition, I will be taking him." He pointed to the silent Waver beside me. Shitpots, he wasn't going to let me keep him. "I respect his King too much to allow him to be disrespected like this."

With that, the King of Heroes slowly slipped away into the night, taking along the Master I had no choice but to give to him, leaving behind five Servants and one dumbstruck Master. And there was now only one thing to do... collapse and finally let the realisation of what the fuck I'd just agreed to sink in.

"Oh my god, I was not in control of that situation!" I fell to my knees and buried my head into my lap. "Dear god, was I not in control of that situation! Fucking hell, we're not dead!"

It was as if a trigger had been switched. Battle!Mode Servants quickly flip-flopped back to normal, letting the stress of the day out.

"How are we not dead!?"

"That, Master, was dumb!"

"At least we're alive."

Scathach approached me... and gently bopped me on the head. "That was a reckless negotiation tactic... albeit an effective one. Congratulations."

"Ummm... thanks, I guess?" I muttered, forehead still pressed against the floor. I was just grateful to have lived through this night.

Now, there was just one thing left to resolve. The the bomb left to slowly tick-down to detonation finally exploded. "That... is... it!" Ereshikgal yelled, stomping her foot hard enough to crack the earth. "What exactly is going on here!? More Servants than THREE Grail Wars! Too many Masters! Servant stealing! Gilgamesh of all people apparently fully incarnated! What in the Nether World was THAT negotiation! What. Is. Going. On!?"

I couldn't help it. I laughed. It started off as a slow trickle, before it doubled down and left me choking on the floor. "You know what? It is a very long story."

XXXXXXXXXX

To say that Mata Hari had worried over us like a terrified Mother Hen was an understatement. By now, she'd hit Defcon-1 on the scale of mother-henning. She'd been scared senseless once she felt out bond break, and even its reconnection hadn't soothed her. Frankly, we were all a little scared. Today had been a bad one. Arguably a disastrous one. I was just glad that we were all alive (albeit one of us now working the enemy).

"Ah. So that's what's happening." Ereshikgal nodded her head in understanding, now far more outwardly majestic now that she was sitting upon a throne she'd pulled out of nowhere and had a little more understanding of the situation. We were all sat down for an emergency 'catch everyone up to date' session, drinking tea that Boudica had made for everyone. By now the tea was drunk and my throat was hurting from trying to explain everything that had happened: from the nature of this war, to my presence as a Self Insert, to the things that I knew on a meta level.

"Do you have a bit more of an understanding now?" asked Boudica kindly.

"I do." The blonde nodded her head. "I admit that half of this sounds like nonsense, but I don't sense any falsehoods here. I have seen enough evidence of oddness from this already strange summoning to believe your words."

"Thank god for small mercies." a look of mild amusement from the actual goddess.

"On the topic of oddness, your majesty, how were you summoned?" Trust Caster to use her background as a princess to try and treat the goddess with due respect while also cutting to the heart of the matter.

Ereshikgal's face narrowed. "You know, I don't fully understand myself. A goddess should not be summonablr through a system such as this; even I can fully acknowledge this. Even in a lesser state such as this, to be brought forth in a land beyond the Age of the Gods... the odds are unlikely, to be blunt."

"I have suspicions." admitted Scathach from her spot away from the main group, cupping a coffee as opposed to a tea. "Perhaps if we share our suggestions, we may be able to reach some kind of an answer."

"Hmmm..." the blonde tapped her chin thoughtfully. "The fact that you reached me is impressively enough. The only reason I even considered answering was curiosity at just how a summoning request was even able to get to me. I certainly didn't go out of my way to pave the path for my manifestation – that all occurred on your end. You even prepared a fitting vessel for me, at that."

"A vessel?" asked Mata Hari.

"Yes." Lancer answered this one. "A goddess cannot be summoned. A Servant container simply cannot encompass the might of a deity. You are closer to a Pseudo-Servant, aren't you?"

"Shishou, answers please?" What the fuck is a Pseudo-Servant, and what bullshit Nasuverse property do I have to blame for its existence?

She rolled her eyes. "A Pseudo-Servant is fundamentally a deity utilising a human vessel to manifest."

"So the reason why you look like Tohsaka Rin..." is because she actually was Tohsaka Rin, or at least was using Tohsaka Rin as a base. Oh my. I had an Ereshikgal zombie piloting a Tohsaka meat suit. "How much of the actual Rin is in there with you? Did you just overwrite her, or..."

"Tohsaka Rin makes up about 25 percent of me. I believe that it mostly her personality that has been integrated." Ereshikgal noted. "Typically a Pseudo-Servant should be more a fifty-fifty split, but that's what happens when you use a corpse as a vessel, you know?"

"A corpse? She was dead?" Rider queried. "We didn't kill her."

"Heck, I wasn't even trying to use her as a vessel to summon you." I admitted. "I was improving the summoning technique at the temple, and just hoping whoever appeared would be able to tip the balance."

"Y-you weren't even trying to summon me?" I didn't know whether to feel saddened at the look upon her face, or amused by it. Something about this Goddess just made me want to see how embarrass her more...

"This does seem to largely be an accident." admitted Scathach. "We'll leave aside the Rin issue for now. Inquiries concerning how she came to die and what happened to her Archer can occur later. We can conclude a few things though. Firstly, James' summoning method has less safeguards or restrictions than the Grail. The fact that I was called proves that. Secondly, enough circumstances exist at the temple to help explain why Ereshikgal might have been a valid target."

"And what were those? I admit I am quite curious." spoke up Saber.

The teacher listed them of one by one. "The site was a temple, and James didn't try to define a circle. He just poured out as much power as he could. He effectively used the entire temple as the confines as his circle. This is how we can say that Tohsaka Rin's corpse was used as a catalyst and ultimately a vessel for the summoning."

"I am also a goddess." Ereshikgal reminded us. "A temple is a worthy symbol for calling for aid upon those with Divinity." In my summoning, I had focused on my need for aid above all else, after all.

"Factor in my Gate of Skye, and the entire land was bathed in energy coming from the Land of Shadows."

"That could serve as a catalyst for reaching my Nether World!" I couldn't help but smile. Scathach and Ereshikgal were really bouncing off of one another right now. One would suggest something and other other would fill in the details.

"There may have also been a matter of compatibility between James as a Master and you as as a Servant."

"Hmm... I'm not so sure." The goddess of the underworld admitted. "Certainly, I wouldn't be here if we weren't compatible. I feel that isn't all of it though. In terms of vessels, I feel that this body would be better fit for Ishtar, and that circumstances in the summoning twisted it towards me. The fact that the vessel was already dead may have been the final factor in myself, an Underworld Deity, appearing."

"In short," the two of them spoke together. "the odds of a summoning is actually quite high!"

"Is it odd that the two of them look like quite the kindred souls?" Rider leaned over to whisper to me, mischief in her tone.

"No. I ship 'em." I whispered back and we both laughed.

"O-oi, why do I feel like I was suddenly disrespected!" protested Rinface.

"Yes, I myself feel rather objectified." frowned Lancer.

"Ah, Lancer, you shouldn't frown like that!" Assassin all but tackle glomped the woman. "I for one think that your interactions together are adorable too, so don't feel too bad!"

"This is my life now." I groused. "Typical harem antics and shenanigans."

But with that, I suddenly remembered the one presence that should be here, naturally causing problems and requiring active attempts to subdue her. Berserker should be here. It just doesn't feel right for her not to be.

"I'm going to bed." I quietly announced. Suddenly, I wasn't really in the mood for playful banter. "I'll ask only one thing before I turn in. Archer, are you willing to help me, to work with us, despite the nature of this war and your Summoning?"

Ereshikgal answered my seriousness with some of her own. She gave me as honest a smile as she could manage. "Yes. I don't have any present issues with you at the moment, so I will accept you as my M-Master."

"Thank you." I told her sincerely. "Tomorrow we can try and sort this clusterfuck out. God knows I need to visit that damned Ruler in the morning, and now we need to figure out how to deal with Caster of Blue, and what to do about Gilgamesh, and, and-"

"Shh." Saber shushed me. "Pondering on things won't help you rest. Tiredness is the only enemy you need to worry about now. Even with an actual Hassan now in play, you have no reason to fear. Your reliable Servants will protect you."

Well, there is that. "Cheers, Saber. Night all." With that, I went to the sole bed in the warehouse and threw myself under the covers, not even bothering to change. I just felt so damn tired. I fell asleep to warm presences around me, the amusing splutterings of a certain Tsundere goddess, and music akin to a lullaby.

I just wish that I'd had a peaceful slumber.