Being Selfish
I stopped in my tracks as I was leaving my house, there on my front porch was Jane. She turned her head, holding out a coffee. I smiled, walking down to sit next to her. I took a moment to sip on the coffee and feel the warmth between my hands. The rain brought the morning to be filled with fog, and the street lights were still on. I wasn't supposed to get to work till later, I just couldn't sleep when my mind was not going to stop.
"I don't know why you were left alone last night, but I needed to make sure you were okay with my own eyes."
"Thank you, I appreciate that."
"We are heading over to question Alyssa the best friend again, I'll come to check in when we return." I lifted my head to look at her, she was staring straight ahead.
"You don't have to check in with me Jane, be safe that's all I ask." I watched as she took a sip of her coffee, reaching over to squeeze my knee.
"I meant what I said Maura, your my life. I will see you later, Ma will have your breakfast ready at the cafe. Give her a kiss for me." She got up from where she was sitting, walking down the path to her car.
I sat on my porch thinking about the last 24 hrs, I have never been more confused. Was Jack right, does Jane pull me in only when she needs me, or maybe she thinks she is going to lose me. If I am her whole life, then why does she keep me so far away. I take one more breath, making my way to my car to start another day.
"Alyssa, can we have a moment of your time?" Frost asked her as we caught her just coming out of her class.
"Of course, what can I help you with?" I looked around for an empty spot, this wasn't a discussion to have in the open.
"Is there somewhere private we can talk?" She nodded, leading us into an empty classroom.
"Did you find out anything more about what happened to Jenna?"
"Her professor gave us a Journal she wrote in, hoping it would help us. It led us to believe she did have an interest in someone, that someone is you."
"No we were just friends, that's all." I watch as her eyes gave her away, and so did her posture.
"You weren't, you were more. Alyssa please just tell us the truth, we need to know. What you tell us will not leave this room, but will be included in our investigation." She got up from her seat, walking over to the window.
"I never wanted her to hide for me, but I wasn't ready to come out. Her parents wouldn't have cared, but mine would. My parents would have taken everything away from me, including my tuition money. We agreed to just be friends outside, and be intimate behind closed doors. I don't have a roommate, it worked for us. I didn't want her parents knowing just in case it got back to my parents. I was terrified."
"Why didn't you report her missing?"
"I honestly didn't know. When I was with my family we never talked, like I said it terrified me that they might find out. I didn't want a text, call, or even face time to be heard and my parents to find out. You know how hard it is to be gay coming from a catholic family. They accept everyone else, but they can't accept their blood." I nodded, walking over to her.
" Did she have any plans when you were away, told you if she was going anywhere?"
"Unless it was with me she never went anywhere. I heard stories about her past, and even saw photos. That person died when her sister did. All Jenna ever did was sit in her room, or be with me. She hated going to parties and being out around people, but she did it for me. I didn't want to be stuck inside, and she didn't want to keep me inside."
"Did she have anxiety or something about being around people?"
"She was comfortable in small groups, but large groups she wasn't a fan of. I asked her what happen since she use to be so outgoing growing up, but she never gave me an answer. She told me about all the parties she would go to, sports she played, friends that grew up with her, but now she just wanted to be alone."
"How did you meet her?"
"Group project. We were assigned partners last year." I looked over at Frost, we were hitting another dead end.
"Alyssa would there be any guys who would be jealous of your relationship, or would want you guys apart?" She thought for a second, then shook her head.
"No one knew about us, as far as everyone knew we were best friends."
"Do you have any friends that are part of any rescue services, maybe a firefighter?"
"I have a couple of friends who are in school for paramedics, but no firefighters."
"When was the last time you spoke to Jenna?"
"The day I left, she spent the night in my room. Far as I'm aware she stayed in my room till I was to return. She said she wanted to be close to me while I was away." I nodded, walking over to Frost.
"Thank you for everything,"
"Detectives?"
"Yes?"
"I would tell the whole world that I loved Jenna if it meant I could have her back. Please find out who did this to my love."
We walked out into the hall, hearing Alyssa let out a quiet sob. We both were quiet as we walked toward our cruiser, not knowing what to say to each other. I placed my arms on top of the roof, taking a minute to collect myself.
"Frost we have nothing. She is going to be another cold case, and I don't think I can accept that."
"Let's go back to the station, and regroup with everyone. Somebody knows something, but maybe just like Alyssa there is a reason why they won't talk." I nodded, taking one final look around before slipping into the car.
"Jane?" I was on my way to the elevator, Jack was sitting outside of the café.
"Go ahead Frost I'll meet you up there." He looked over at Jack, then back at me. Nodded then carried on.
"Can we step outside?" he asked, I didn't say anything just turned to go back out where we came in.
"Make this quick Jack, I have shit to do." Walking over to lean against a cruiser that was parked out front.
"I know we haven't been on the best terms, and to be honest I have the right not to feel comfortable with you. I'm not here to discuss the past, I need you to think about the future. We both love Maura, but you are being selfish. I can give her the life she dreams about. I want to marry her, have a family, and make her happy. I can't do this when you pop into her life when you feel the need to want her for a moment. She isn't something you can play with Jane, then shove her away like she is a toy. She is the most amazing, wonderful, genuine person on this earth. Every time you come back into her life you are being selfish. You get what you need from her, then push her away to pick up the pieces that you have torn off of her. She will never fully love me or anyone, not as long as you keep pulling her back to you whenever you get fucking lonely, scared, or have an attachment issue with her loving someone besides you. All you will ever bring her is torture, just so you can have her when you want her. Please Jane let her go, let her be loved by someone who truly loves her, who wants all of her. Let us be happy."
I smirked, he had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. I pulled away from the car I was leaning against, walking over to come face to face with Jack. He was a little shorter than me, the same height as Maura. I could tell he hadn't had much sleep or even had a shower. The cologne he would drench himself in was replaced by the smell of whisky.
"If I was being selfish, you wouldn't be in the picture Jack."
Enjoy Living. Keep it Simple. Have Fun
