A/N: I know it's been forever since I've updated this story, and I wouldn't blame anyone who's given up on it by now. All I can say is I'm sorry and thank you to anyone who is still reading for sticking with me. Life has been crazy and still is, so I can't promise super fast or regular updates, but I will write at least one more chapter for this one before I write any more for my other Criminal Minds story. With that said, it definitely won't be anywhere near as long before the next chapter. Rest assured, I have this story completely planned out and fully intend to finish it. I'm building up to another angsty story line that I'm really excited to write. I've actually already written parts of it, but I wanted to include some fluffier chapters in between, and writing fluff is apparently not my strong suit. Every time I've tried to write this chapter, I've really, really struggled. I've had other versions of it written that I scrapped completely. This is not what I originally planned to write at all, and I'm still not very happy with it, but it does set things up for the next couple of chapters.
Chapter 39
Emily took a sip from her glass, savoring the familiar taste of pinot noir as she willed the alcohol to calm her nerves. There was no reason to be nervous…and yet, on some level, meeting with Steve alone would always make her nervous. Maybe it shouldn't, but it did. She couldn't help but feel like she must have done something wrong for him to request a sit-down. Maybe she would always feel a little like she was walking on eggshells with the adoptive father.
They'd come a long way since the ugliness with Jeremy Sayer. The first time they really did anything resembling co-parenting was when they agreed that Hannah needed to talk to a professional about what happened with Jeremy. Hannah wasn't sold on the idea, and Emily helped talk Hannah into it, but ultimately Steve didn't really give Hannah a choice.
Unfortunately, Hannah was just as stubborn as her birth mother and must have decided that her parents could make her go to therapy, but they couldn't actually make her talk to her therapist. Hannah was too polite to ignore her therapist's attempts to engage her in conversation, but she settled for one-word answers whenever she could and, somehow, managed to go to three separate hour-long sessions without saying anything of substance. It wasn't until the therapist asked for Emily to join Hannah's next session that Hannah finally started to open up.
Emily secretly agreed with her daughter when it came to therapy. She had no desire whatsoever to tell a complete stranger her innermost thoughts and feelings, but wasn't that exactly what she wanted her teenager to do? If she wanted Hannah to talk to the therapist, then Emily knew she was going to have to set a good example by talking to the other woman herself. The things she did for her kid…
The therapy session ended up being surprisingly therapeutic for mother and daughter. Emily talked about her own feelings when she found out Jeremy was in the house with Hannah, when she saw that he had a knife to Hannah's throat. As she relived it, Emily's terror played out across her unguarded face. She wanted Hannah to know that she wasn't alone in her fear. Emily was afraid, too. It had been enough to make anyone afraid.
Guilt over what happened was another thing they had in common. Emily couldn't help but feel guilty that Hannah was having nightmares because of something that never would have happened if not for Emily's job. The mother hated knowing that her daughter was having a hard time and not being able to do anything to fix it. And, in her hasty attempt to reassure Emily that what happened wasn't her fault, Hannah had unwittingly admitted to everything she was feeling in front of the therapist. It was a breakthrough moment; and, after that, the therapist was actually able to get somewhere with Hannah's therapy.
Emily suspected that the therapist may have spoken to Steve about her relationship with Hannah at some point. Lately he had been much more supportive of Emily being a mother to Hannah. He was still the one who made decisions for Hannah, but sometimes he asked what Emily thought. When he did, he seemed to value her advice. He was letting go of some of his parental duties and allowing Emily to help. Granted, he only asked for her help when it was something that he just flat-out didn't want to do or, more rarely, when it was something that he couldn't do for whatever reason. He was perfectly happy to let Emily help when Hannah needed a dress for the winter formal at her school. Typical, Emily thought with a roll of her eyes. What guy wanted to go dress shopping with a teenage girl? Not that Emily was complaining. It was her pleasure to take her daughter shopping. Steve even invited Emily over the night of the dance, but Emily wasn't sure if that was because he was trying to be nice or because Hannah needed help with her hair. Either way, Emily got to help her daughter get ready for the dance and take pictures.
That was back in February. It was now the beginning of April. Emily took Hannah for a few days at the end of March when Steve's mother was hospitalized with a broken hip. That was the only thing Emily could think of that Steve might want to talk about. Hannah was back home with him now, and, as Emily waited for Steve, she thought back and tried to think of anything that could have happened while Hannah was with her that might have upset Steve.
There was nothing. No homicidal stalkers this time. No breaking curfew. No late-night parties.
Steve hurried into the Italian restaurant where they agreed to meet and looked around frantically. Emily lifted one hand in a friendly wave to get his attention, and seconds later he was sitting down across from her with an apology for running late.
"How's your mother?" Emily asked politely after waving off his apology. She knew what traffic was like at that time of day.
Steve rolled his eyes and shook his head before offering Emily an exasperated smile and an explanation. "She's out of the hospital now. She's at my sister's, driving her crazy."
His mom had a walker, but she would need physical therapy before she could go back to her own house. She needed too much help to live by herself, but she didn't think she needed help and was fighting Jill and Steve on everything. He was just glad Emily had been able to take Hannah while his mom was in the hospital. He didn't know what he would have done without Emily.
"My mom manages to drive me crazy all the way from Europe, so I can only imagine," Emily said sympathetically.
Steve gave a surprised laugh at the description as he tried to remember what Hannah had said about Emily's mother. "Hannah said she's an Ambassador?" He phrased it as more of a question than a statement.
Emily nodded in confirmation. "She's posted in Italy."
"Let me guess, she was posted in Paris at some point when you were growing up?" Steve said knowingly. "That would explain why Hannah's the only kid in her French class who has an A. She has an unfair advantage with you helping her," he added with a sly smile, clearly unbothered by the fact.
"I'm just glad I can help," Emily said sincerely. The conversation was friendly enough so far, and Emily tried to relax. It didn't seem like Steve was upset about anything. But she was still dying to know what this was about. She couldn't remember the last time he requested this type of sit-down. They usually communicated with text messages or phone calls. She gave him a questioning look. "When you called, you said you wanted to talk to me?"
"Sarah and I, we, uh, we wanted Hannah to go to my mom if– if we both died," Steve began somewhat awkwardly, not really sure how to start this conversation.
With his mom's recent fall, Steve knew it was time to revisit what would happen to Hannah if anything were ever to happen to him. His current will named his mom as guardian in that event, but his mom wasn't as young – or as healthy – as she was when Steve and Sarah had made that decision. Rationally, he knew that his mom was no longer the best suited to take on a teenager.
Steve wasn't planning on going anywhere any time soon, but he was nothing if not practical; and, as a lawyer, he understood how important it was to keep his will up to date. In the eyes of the law, he was Hannah's only living parent. When he thought about who he would want Hannah to live with if, God forbid, anything happened to him, Steve kept going back and forth between his sister and Emily. Because he was feeling so torn between the two women, he really tried to think about what Hannah would want, and he had a sneaking suspicion that she would want to live with Emily. He also knew that the fourteen year old didn't really understand what it would be like to live with Emily full-time. Emily's job required a lot of travel. She already had to cancel plans with Hannah on more than one occasion because she got stuck somewhere for work. Hannah took it in stride, but she also had Steve there to fill in any time Emily couldn't make it. That wouldn't be an issue for Jill – Jill was a stay-at-home mom. Steve knew Jill was a good mom, but she wasn't Hannah's mom, and she never would be. Emily was. Well, she was Hannah's birth mom anyway. Sarah would always be Hannah's mom, but Emily had quickly become a second mom to Hannah. Steve knew that right now Emily was getting the best of both worlds. Emily got to experience the joys of parenthood with Hannah without all of the responsibility. Would Emily even want to have Hannah with her all the time? It would mean less of the fun parts of parenting and more of the hard parts – more saying no to Hannah when she was begging to stay out late and using her big doe eyes to their full effect, more grounding Hannah when she missed curfew, more putting up with Hannah when she was pouting and moping around the house because she didn't like being grounded. Those things weren't very much fun, but Emily certainly hadn't shied away from the less fun parts of parenting so far. She wasn't doing it halfway. She was all in. In his heart, Steve knew Emily would step up if it ever came to that, but in his mind, he still had doubts – namely, would Emily really be able to take care of Hannah with her work schedule and how much she traveled? In a lot of ways, Jill was a more logical choice, but his gut told him that he had to give Emily a chance…the same way Emily gave him and Sarah a chance to be parents almost fifteen years ago. God, it was hard to believe Hannah would be turning fifteen that coming summer. She was growing up so fast. Anyway, in a weird way, it felt right that he give Emily this chance.
For her part, Emily was shocked, but she didn't show it. She just went very still, her hand closing tightly around the stem of her wine glass while she kept her gaze on Steve's. She thought she knew why he wanted to talk to her now, and her heart skipped a beat as she waited anxiously for him to continue.
"But my mom's not as young as she was then. I think it's probably time to update my will," Steve said with a rueful expression. "I know Jill would take Hannah if my mom couldn't, but I think Hannah would rather live with you. I haven't said anything to her yet," the adoptive father went on to assure his daughter's birth mother. "I wanted to talk to you first. With your job, I didn't know…I know you have to travel." He gave her a searching look as he tried to gauge how she felt about the request.
"If I needed to, I could take a desk job," Emily told him to address his concern, careful not to come across as too eager. Her heart felt like it might burst at the idea that Hannah could be hers, but at what cost? Emily knew Hannah would only really be hers again if Steve died. It was a sobering thought that effectively acted as a buzzkill for any momentary happiness Emily might have felt. Hannah already lost one parent – her adoptive mom. Emily didn't want Hannah to lose anyone else. No. She was honored that Steve was even considering giving her the enormous privilege of taking care of Hannah should anything happen to him, but Emily hoped it never came to that.
"I can't ask you to do that," Steve started to backtrack guiltily. He didn't really expect Emily to offer to quit her job and wasn't quite sure what to say.
"You didn't," Emily said. "But you're right. With what I do, it would be hard," she acknowledged. "But there are other things I could do for the FBI…things I could do from Quantico."
She had always had greater ambitions of eventually taking on a leadership role – or rather more of a leadership role than Unit Chief of the BAU. As Unit Chief, she still traveled with the team and worked cases. But Section Chief…Section Chief rarely traveled. She felt a prickle of annoyance as she remembered the few times Strauss traveled with the team. No one wanted her there. Cruz left them alone for the most part, trusting the BAU to do their jobs while he handled the politics. Emily thought there had to be a balance somewhere between Strauss' heavy-handed approach and Cruz's hands-off approach. Emily never liked Erin Strauss, but she always had a grudging respect for her. Strauss was the first woman to ever hold such an esteemed position. In fact, when she died, Strauss had still been one of the only female Section Chiefs in the Bureau. There should be more women in positions of power in the FBI, and Emily liked the idea of being one of them. She liked mentoring younger women like Jordan Todd and Ashley Seaver.
Emily knew that a leadership role wasn't the only way she could do that. She always enjoyed speaking to classes at the FBI Academy about profiling. She knew the hours would be normal for teaching, and there would be no travel. She could even help the BAU if they ever needed help. After all, she would still be with the FBI.
Emily knew how much she would miss her team if she left the BAU. She missed them when she was hiding in Paris until Doyle was caught. She missed them when she took the management role with Interpol. They weren't just her team – they were family. For a long time, they had been all she had. That wasn't the case anymore. Now, she had Hannah in her life. And she had Hotch and Jack. Emily had people to miss when she was away, which wasn't something she had ever really had before. She didn't like missing out on any of the time she had with her daughter. She had already missed so much of Hannah's life. She didn't want to miss anything else. She wanted to be there for Jack, too. He was a good kid, and he was so young when he lost Haley. Maybe that was why he was happy to have Emily around so much. There was never any jealousy about the time Hotch spent with her. On the contrary, Jack wholeheartedly approved of their relationship and had even encouraged it, offering to spend the night at a friend's house on Valentine's Day weekend so Hotch and Emily could be alone. Neither adult was very comfortable with the offer, but it was sweet of him to try to give them time alone anyway.
The more she thought about it, the more it felt right to Emily that she would walk away from the BAU to be a full-time parent to Hannah and be able to be there more for Jack. Obviously, she wasn't going to do that right now, but if she had to, Emily knew she would do it.
After assuring Steve of that, they talked through logistics while they ate. It was a hypothetical scenario, but one that could happen and one that they needed to have a plan for. Losing Sarah made Steve very well-aware that anything could happen. He never would have expected to suddenly be a single dad to a pre-teen – now teenage – daughter, and yet here he was. To be fair, having Emily in Hannah's life now made him feel a lot less alone. Slowly but surely, he was entrusting more and more of the things that he knew Sarah would have done to Hannah's birth mother. He was completely out of his element when Hannah went to the winter formal back in February. He had no problem with it when Emily took over dress shopping and helping Hannah figure out what to do with her hair and all of the other…female things that came up. He would have thought that all Hannah needed was a dress, but apparently she needed a wrap, some kind of a special purse that Hannah informed him was called a clutch, shoes, and jewelry, too. If he didn't know better, he would have thought his fourteen year old was going to a fancy ball instead of a high school dance in the school gym. He still thought they went way overboard, but Emily - and even Jill – assured him that Hannah really needed all of that stuff. It was crazy! When he went to dances in high school, all he needed was a tux! Women, he thought, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. Still, he had to admit that Hannah looked very nice. When he saw her all dolled up, he was just glad she didn't have a date. He wasn't ready for his little girl to start dating yet. Luckily, she went to the dance with a group of her friends – and they were all girls, thank goodness. If he had it his way, Hannah wouldn't be dating until she was thirty. He said that, but he knew it was wishful thinking. Whenever Hannah did start dating, Steve would be more than happy to let Emily give their daughter the talk. There were some things that were definitely better handled by Hannah's birth mother.
As they talked, Steve became more and more convinced that Emily was the right choice for this. His nieces and nephews went to a different school that was closer to where they lived. With Emily, Hannah would be able to stay at the same school she attended now. Emily had always been really good about upholding the rules he had for Hannah and generally seemed to think they were good rules. That would all serve to give Hannah consistency and ensure there was minimal disruption to her life if anything ever happened to him.
Confident in his decision, Steve told Emily that he would talk to Hannah about it and then get with his lawyer to update his will.
A/N: First of all, really, really thank you to everyone who is still reading. I didn't want to say this at the beginning in case it ruined this chapter, but I did want to offer more of an explanation for why it took me so long. Although this was not my plan for this chapter, I did always plan for Steve and Emily to have this conversation. He was always going to name Emily as guardian if anything should happen to him. My original plan for this chapter was to write out the therapy session that I briefly described with Emily and Hannah, but I really didn't like anything I wrote for that; and, honestly, it felt too repetitive because we already know how both of them felt about what happened with Jeremy Sayer. At one point, I also planned to include a chapter with Emily helping Hannah find a dress for the dance, but it was going to be prom instead of winter formal, and she was going to be going with an older boy. Spoiler alert - I still plan for that to happen eventually, but not now. When I went to write it, it just didn't feel right to me. Hannah is only a freshman (9th grade). I personally didn't know any freshmen who were asked to prom when I was in high school, but I did know some sophomores who went to prom. In the U.S., prom is typically for juniors and seniors only, so a lower classman would only be able to go if they were asked by a junior or senior. I really felt like Hannah was too young for that right now. I've tried really hard to write her as a realistic and believable fourteen year old girl. Depending on interest, after I finish this story, I might do some one-shots in this universe where I could potentially write missing scenes like the therapy session and the dress shopping. In the meantime, I ended up using this chapter to try to move things forward in this story. We've moved from winter into early spring. There are some fluffier moments I want to write before I move into the next angsty story line. I have a few things in mind like Emily's first Mother's Day with Hannah, for example, and I wanted to get to that point. If you were hoping for Emily and Hannah moments and were disappointed by this chapter, I can tell you that the next few chapter will be very Emily/Hannah focused. Again, I'm sorry for how long this one took and I know it's not my best, but thank you for sticking with me if you're still reading.
